A/N - Notes at the bottom. Thanks for your patience xx
Elsa only knew of the events that happened that day because of the full story Kristoff gave her on multiple occasions, sometimes out of anger, sometimes to educate her. She knew what had happened, in great detail. Anna's life was severely endangered, but she didn't actually sustain any injuries. She dodged death. "I know you made it. And so does everyone else that was there."
"But I don't know," she muttered. She gasped, startling her sister. "What if I hit my head?"
"You're fine, Anna," she told her, almost desperately. "You weren't physically injured that day. You got lucky. I promise: this is real. This is all real."
She stared at her helplessly for a moment before nodding her head. She didn't believe her. This can't be real. This life she's living; it's too much. None of it makes any sense.
Elsa sighed. She felt alone in the room, despite sitting so close to someone she would've once considered her soulmate. They were best friends; sisters; inseparable. But their bond was broken. "Aren't you looking forward to your future? Doesn't that ground you? You're having a baby. And you're getting married. It's all happening this year."
Anna furrowed her brows. Motherhood. Marriage. She looked up at her sister with confusion; "I can't."
Elsa wasn't sure what to say. "You...can't?"
"How could anybody love me?"
She wasn't sure where it came from, but suddenly, it hit her. In an instant, Elsa understood everything. And it was so much more, and yet so much less, than she could've ever imagined. "I know what's wrong."
She felt alone. It was a kind of loneliness she'd never felt before. Even if someone was speaking directly to her, she felt as though she was the only one in the world. She'd been having nightmares. Terrible nightmares. They seemed to start without warning. She was losing her grip on reality more and more each day. Her brain was attacking itself. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't comprehend her own thoughts.
Other people were starting to become aware of it. She would talk to them about conversations they never had. She'd remember events that never happened. It frustrated her before it scared her.
But one conversation turned her fear into defeat. She'd lost all motivation. She'd mentioned to Kristoff the incident in which she met him as a spirit, and he convinced her to live. He didn't recall this ever happening. She pushed and pushed, but nothing came. He couldn't understand her. "Maybe it was a dream," he'd told her. It wasn't reassuring.
After that conversation, she gave up. She no longer knew what was real, and what wasn't. Although she wanted to talk to Elsa about it, she couldn't seem to find her anywhere. She knew she'd never be able to build up the courage, anyways.
But Elsa had the answers. She said so herself. And Anna still needed to know what was wrong with her head. Elsa had left her; told her she'd be right back. Anna waited, and waited, but her sister never returned.
She'd seen her in passing around the castle, but their work often got in the way of them being able to converse. She figured they'd be able to catch up eventually, but it was frustrating. Then she'd feel guilty; Elsa was handling her duties for her. She should be grateful.
That's why Kristoff wasn't around, either. He was working. Running a kingdom.
And so Anna was alone.
She'd sit for hours holding her stomach, talking to the only thing she was certain of. She knew she was going to be a mother. And that meant Kristoff was real. Which meant she wasn't entirely alone.
She took a breath of relief, relaxing slightly. She had no thoughts; her mind was empty. She knew she was a shell of who she once was. She couldn't remember that person, though. That girl. The naive one. The one who wore her heart out on her sleeve. The one who trusted effortlessly.
The thought of who she used to be made her feel sick. She couldn't trust anyone now. She couldn't trust herself.
Her mind trailed back to that night she spent alone in that cave. Her clothes were drenched; they weren't even fully dry by morning. She'd spent the night curled up, shivering from the cold and from grief. She'd barely slept. How could she? She knew, in that cave, that she was to return home to the ruins of her kingdom. To take the crown of yet another fallen loved one. To grow up entirely before she got there. No more immaturity; no more games. She had to be a woman now. And she had to prove it.
It didn't go like that though. She didn't go home alone. She was missing a huge part of herself, but she had family. It had to be enough.
Maybe they really are all dead.
She'd consciously avoided asking Kristoff if Elsa was alive. She wasn't prepared for the answer. She didn't want to know what was real. She had more control if it was all in her head.
She remembered Elsa waking up in Ahtohallan. She remembered watching her climb her way to safety. Her journey along the way. How she found the same spirits that guided and blocked Anna. It confused her. Where did those spirits go? She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Silja. She'd occasionally hear Astrid's laughter, but she hadn't seen her in a while.
It made her heart race. Was she insane? Her hands grabbed at her hair as her panic set in. Was anything real? Did she ever have a family? Was she born like this?
She vomited. It startled her; she managed to miss the bedsheets, and then regretted it. The carpet was harder to clean. She wanted to sob; maybe to scream. She was making herself ill.
No. She's pregnant. She sighed, sitting up, wrapping her arms around her stomach. Hormones were making her anxieties worse. She knew it. Everything was a mess.
As she sat there with herself, she noticed for the first time how big her stomach was. She knew she'd have to be due soon. There's no way she could get any bigger. But what was she to do with a baby? How long until she started questioning its existence? What if she had a blackout and harmed it?
She couldn't believe her thoughts. She wasn't a danger. Was she?
She'd never felt so trapped before. She was exhausted; like she'd been running around in circles, despite sitting still for hours. She wanted this baby out. Maybe that would be her cure.
Labour scared her. Birth. The pain. She didn't want to think about it. Maybe she'd get lucky, she thought. Maybe she'd die naturally. Kristoff would care for the baby. He'd be a better parent than her. He could put all his love and attention into raising this new life. And Anna could watch comfortably from above. It's more ideal.
She felt the tears on her cheeks. She didn't want to die. She wanted to be as she was. She missed thinking life was difficult; when it was easy. Before it became impossible.
Grief. Loss. These feelings hadn't left her. Maybe Elsa really is gone.
She felt a pain in her core. A pain caused by facing a reality she wasn't ready for. She wasn't ready to let her go.
I'd love to let you go; you're all that's on my mind.
She was sobbing, though quietly. She didn't know what to do with these feelings. She didn't even know what she felt. I can't live like this.
Memories were running wild in her mind. It seemed to happen in a flash. She could remember when they were little; the adventures they went on. The river they played by; the stars they'd count. She remembered the first time they'd met as grown ups. The conversations they'd had over those three short years they spent together. She could see Elsa's smile. Hear her laugh. Feel her lack-of-warmth. The most comforting cold. The most familiar embrace. Her best friend. Her first love. Her other half.
She stared blankly; her eyes defocused. She's gone.
And I didn't get to say goodbye.
She didn't know what to do with herself. She was helpless. Defeated. But she knew what she had to do.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It was time to let go.
"You didn't sleep at all last night, huh?"
Her eyes shot open; head whipping towards the door. Her heart felt like it was ready to stop beating. Let me die.
"Are you all right?" Worry began to seep into her tone. Her question went unanswered.
Anna put her face in her hands; fingers clawing at her skin. "Please make it stop."
Elsa didn't know what to say. She put the cup of cocoa she was holding onto the dresser, then climbed onto the bed and pulled her sister close. "You're gonna be okay, sweetie. Just hang in there."
"You told me you knew." She sat up, rubbing her eyes. "You never told me what you knew."
Elsa cupped the younger woman's freckled, puffy cheeks and looked into her eyes. She spoke, but Anna heard nothing. It frustrated her. She tried to speak, but couldn't. Was she dreaming?
"I think we're losing her."
Kristoff's voice snapped her out of her daze, but it seemed as though she'd missed about three minutes of time. Astrid was standing just behind him, looking at Anna with desperation.
"I don't understand anymore," Elsa admitted sadly. "One second she's there, and the next...I have no idea where she is."
"You're not real," Anna told her directly. "Please leave me. You can't keep-"
"She thinks I'm dead," Elsa interrupted, turning to Kristoff. "She won't listen anymore."
He seemed to be at a loss for words. They'd talked about "letting her go" but neither of them knew what that meant or what was involved. They'd agreed to let her decide for herself.
Elsa turned back to her sister. She tucked the woman's auburn hair behind her ears and smiled warmly at her. It was forced. She spoke softly. "It's up to you now, Gingersnap. You have to take control."
Kristoff's words went straight into her heart; something, in that moment, she'd never forget. "Du kan velge en egen vei."
Anna felt like sobbing; like screaming. She needed someone to pull her out of her own mind. But she was starting to think that wasn't an option.
The same lines had been repeating in her head for months. Like an obsession.
She disassociated. She was aware of it this time. She faded into her own mind, blocking out her physical surroundings. Maybe it wasn't about Elsa. Maybe it was about Anna herself. She took a deep breath.
I have to let you go.
But I love you more and more than you could ever know.
A/N - Thank you for all of your feedback via last Author's Note... I read all of your words, and I'm so thankful.
Aside from an "unhappy" ending, I was also worried about people finding things "inconsistent." I don't know how many reader's noticed, but we abandoned timelines a long while back. There is no concept of time anymore, and this is deliberate. There will also be a lot of unanswered questions. A lot of abandoned storylines. I'll explain the purpose behind this story at the end, and why I decided to write it. No more than 3 more chapters, then we'll wrap it up.
Sorry for the delays in updating... I'll try to have the next one up within 10 days or so.
Take care, loves. xx
(ps - "du kan velge en egen vei" is my saviour. it's funny how a phrase can get you through so much. it means "you can choose your own way.")