Folks, I'm going to warn you now, this is going to be a heavy chapter. The topics of suicide and questionable consent are going to feature pretty prominently, and I have done my best to handle these topics with all the seriousness that they deserve. So if you are troubled by such things then please prepare yourself however you need to.
Chapter 44: Her Father
I feel like normally, were one to be told that something had happened to their daughter, the normal reaction would be to drop everything and run. I consider this, very briefly, but reject the idea for several reasons.
Firstly, I want to make sure I know everything I possibly can before going in. After all, I can't help but feel like this situation, whatever it is, wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so in the dark on what's been happening with my daughters lately. So before I go bursting in to Cordelia's room to confront the situation directly, I want to ensure I know as much as possible.
Secondly, I can tell at a glance that Cordelia also needs the time. She was barely keeping it together by the time I opened my door, and still looks to be on the verge of panic. The fact that Severa is in Cordelia's room is telling. To be precise, it's telling me that whatever the fuck is going on here, I will almost certainly need Cordelia's help with this. Whatever happened to Severa, she chose to show herself to Cordelia in spite of the resentment there. No way in hell that's a coincidence.
Thirdly, and far less critically is the simple fact that I am not in a fit state to go running down the halls like a maniac. I am, despite Maribelle's excellent medicine and Gaius' efforts to alleviate the issue, fairly hungover. That's just what happens when you drink as much as I did after a lifetime spent with only minimal interactions with alcohol. Honestly I'm surprised I can even remember what happened last night.
Speaking of which, "You've been drinking." I note, stepping out into the hallway with her. It's clear to see from the redness of her eyes and how she needs to lean on the wall for balance.
Cordelia shoots me a glare at that. "I am hardly alone in that regard. Perhaps you forgot after spending so much time drinking out on the balcony, but there was a party last night."
"Observation, not a judgement." I hold up my hands defensively. "Just… didn't take you for the type."
"Perhaps I have felt the type lately." She replies sullenly. At my alarmed look she backpedals hastily. "I didn't mean that. It's the headache talking."
"Fucking hell, I hope so!" I reply, feeling horrified. "Cordelia, please tell me you aren't-"
"I'm not." She replies immediately. "I swear to you Ben, that isn't- this is not a habit. I just thought… this one time I would go with the flow of things." She raises a hand to her head with a pained expression. "And I do believe it will be the last time."
"Well… good." I say, still feeling uneasy as I lock up my room.
"…I'm sorry for worrying you." She replies in a small voice.
"You don't- I can't- Look, just… just don't worry about it, alright." I sigh, running a hand through my hair uneasily. A part of me wants to tell her she shouldn't have to apologize to me, but I decide in the end that such a statement would only serve to deepen the gulf that currently exists between us. "Just… please, take care of yourself, okay?"
Cordelia responds with a muted nod at that. I find myself longing for that all too brief time when I could hold her. Reassure her that things would be alright.
Well. Doesn't matter. As wonderful as it felt to hold Cordelia in my arms, I still believe things needed to go the way they did. I love Cordelia, and for a while she felt the same way about me… but not for the real me. Not for the monster that caused her so much pain and grief. I don't know if I'll ever have another chance with her… but it's better than to be with her without her knowing what I'd done.
So rather than hold her, I simply gesture down the hallway. Let her lead the way back to our daughter.
It's a bit of a walk from my room to Cordelia's. Basilio gave the women of the Shepherds far better accommodations than the men. A joke at our expense, or so he claimed, though I personally suspect the man just has a soft spot for the fairer sex after taking in Olivia. The women are all in a completely different area of Basilio's castle as a result, at least a five minute walk away. More than enough time for Cordelia to explain what she knew about Severa's situation.
This is because Cordelia unfortunately knows very little.
"The end of my night was rather hazy, I'm afraid." Cordelia confesses ashamedly. "I remember seeing Severa, but only barely. All I can say for sure is that… before I started drinking I didn't see her at all. And when I woke up this morning I was in my own bed… and Severa was curled up in the corner of my room. I tried to ask her what happened but she wouldn't react no matter what I said to her."
"Damnit." I sigh, rubbing my head to try to alleviate the headache I can already feel worsening.
"You seemed to have an idea what was going on when you first came to the door?" Cordelia says, looking over to me hopefully.
"Barely." I grimace, "Diana's been talking about some 'stupid plan' Severa's apparently had, but whenever I've pressed her for answers she just keeps telling me she'll take care of it."
"We may have to involve her if Severa refuses to talk to you." Cordelia muses.
"I'm starting to think I should have been pressing her for answers a long-" I stop a moment, hearing something in the distance. "What was that?"
Cordelia and I fall silent a moment.
And a moment proves all it takes to hear the sound of screaming.
Hangovers be damned, we break into a sprint. I swiftly pull ahead of Cordelia, still being a better runner than her by far, especially with the recklessness of my pace. There's no elegance to my movement, no semblance of restraint. I crash into the walls from sheer momentum as I round the corners, clawing my way forward and bulldozing through anyone and anything unfortunate enough to get in my way.
The source of the noise is made clear as I round the final corner and see the hallway ahead filled with most of the women in the Shepherds, as well as several members of Basilio's staff. They're crowded around an open door, most looking as though they had been woken by the noise and came to investigate, dressed in sleepwear and robes. All of them are crying out in panic, held back from interfering with whatever is going on inside only by the narrow doorway.
The screaming coming from inside is frenzied, accompanied by furious shouts that I easily identify as Sully's. As for the screams, one voice I can't place, but the other is clearly Severa's.
I make my way through the crowd, ignoring Lissa and Sumia's attempts to speak to me. Instead I push my way to the door, intent on seeing what the fuck is going on for myself.
I freeze in surprise as I look into Cordelia's room. It looks like a damn tornado blew through, with furniture and clothing scattered about. And at the epicenter of this storm is not just Severa, but both of my daughters. And from the looks of it they're doing their best to kill each other. Even as I watch Diana has planted herself on top of Severa and is throwing punches at her head, screaming incoherently all the while. Severa for her part is kicking furiously, trying to dislodge the smaller girl while she keeps up her guard, snarling like a damn animal.
"What the fuck!?" I exclaim furiously, rushing in without a second thought. "What the hell are you doing Diana!?" I reach down to try and pull the girl away, but that proves a stupid decision. With the two girls both flailing like crazed lunatics, I rapidly find myself battered the moment I try to approach. Diana nails me with a backhanded punch to the jaw and an elbow to the ribs. And Severa catches me with a kick to the inside of my leg that comes far closer to my groin than I care to reflect on. I stagger back with a wince, catching myself on Cordelia's bed with a muted cry. The girls keep on fighting, so focused on each other that they don't so much as notice me.
"Those kids of yours hit harder than you'd think from looking at them, huh?" Sully notes conversationally from next to me, sporting a bloody nose and a split lip.
"What the flying fuck is going on here Sully?" I snap furiously.
"Hell if I know, they were like this when I got here!" She protests defensively. "I'm just a dumbass who nearly got her teeth kicked in trying to stop them, same as you!" She gestures back to the brawl, where Severa is now twisting Diana's head to the side by a handful of her hair.
"Right. Enough of this!" I growl, getting back to my feet. "We drag them apart, knock some fucking sense into them if we have to, and sort this shit out after!"
"Sounds good to me." Sully nods, spitting out a gob of blood as she gets to her feet and rushes in. The two of us push our way into the fight, grab a couple of arms each, and drag the two girls apart as they continue to kick and scream at each other.
"Alright, that's enough!" I cry as I drag Diana back. "Both of you!" I look back and forth between the two, still screaming, still valuing volume over coherency, and decide to remind everyone who has the loudest voice around here. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Everyone goes quiet at that. The girls blink in surprise, as if only just now noticing that I'm in the room. And then start yelling at me, presumably about how terrible the other one is. If Sully and I didn't still have them by the arms I'm quite sure they'd be pointing fingers at each other like children.
"Hey! HEY! What did I just say!? Quiet! Both of you!" I drown them out again.
"But she-"
"No!" I snap. "No, it's my turn to talk, you've both proven yourselves completely fffreaking incapable!" I remember at the last moment that angrily yelling curse words at your kids is pretty unacceptable regardless of circumstances. "Now listen up! The two of you are going to sit here. Quietly. You're going to take some deep breaths and calm down instead of acting like wild animals. And you're going to stay quiet until everyone has been healed." I give the crowd gathered outside a look at that, and nod in approval as Lissa and Maribelle snap out of their shock and run to get their staves. "And then, once everyone is healed, I will allow you both to tell me what the hell is going on here. One. At. A. Time."
There's a commotion from outside, and I see Sumia hurriedly run off. Cordelia must have caught up. A few moments later I'm proven right and Cordelia appears in the doorway, still gasping for breath. She can only stare in shock at the state of her room, not to mention everything she kept here. It must be a horrifying sight for someone who always keeps her things so neat.
Before she can enter though, Lissa pushes past her. The princess runs immediately to Severa, who came off the worst by far in that fight. Maribelle enters a moment later, and I let Diana go so that she can get the same treatment.
"While I have you here, I'd like to thank you for your help this morning Maribelle." I say as Maribelle puts her staff to work.
It takes her a moment to realize what I'm referring to, but she gives me a composed smile. "It was hardly any trouble. Really, you should be thanking Gaius, I never would have thought of it on my own."
"I intend to. Probably what I'd be doing right now if this hadn't happened." I frown. "By the way, would you be able to get any more of that prepared?"
I nod towards Cordelia at that. She looks to be in poor shape, her hands seemingly attempting to bore into her skull through her temples as she takes in her destroyed room forlornly. Maribelle nods thoughtfully, "Ah yes, she was drinking quite a bit at the end of the night. I'll take care of it as soon as I've finished here."
"Thank you kindly."
"You're quite welcome." Maribelle smiles warmly, her staff moving to me as she speaks. "You know Ben, you seem to be looking much better today than you have of late, in spite of everything. Whatever you and Gaius spoke of last night, I daresay it did some good for you."
"I think you're right." I make to nod in agreement before remembering that that's a stupid thing to do while a healer is tending to your face. "He's… he's a hell of a friend."
"He certainly has his moments," Maribelle replies, "For a hooligan."
Diana gives Maribelle an alarmed look at that, though she remains dutifully silent. I give her a questioning look, but she immediately schools her face back into something more composed. "Thank you, Lady Maribelle." She says, seemingly intent on ignoring me.
"You're quite welcome, darling." She says, with a warmth that rapidly becomes fiery as she continues, "Just see to it that this does not happen again! Regardless of circumstances it is always the duty of any young lady to remain dignified and composed. Should I see you two rolling about like wild animals in the future I have half a mind to let my parasol sort you two out!"
"Yes Lady Maribelle." Diana answers, abashed.
"Good." Maribelle gives a pleased nod, before whirling to face Severa. "And that goes double for you, young lady! As the older sister you are expected to set a good example."
"But she-" Severa starts to protest, but falls silent at the warning look I give her. She crosses her arms, leaning back into her corner of the room. "Fine."
Maribelle's eyes narrow, but she apparently decides to leave the matter to me from here. She heads for the door, stopping only to pat Cordelia on the arm. "I'll be back shortly with something to help with that headache, Cordelia."
"Thank you." Cordelia groans absentmindedly, the poor woman still looking overwhelmed. Hopefully Maribelle doesn't take too long. It seems abundantly clear that the situation is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. We haven't even begun to figure out what was wrong with Severa, but if whatever she did has Diana this upset… well let's just say I feel like I'm about to defuse a bomb here. Fitting given the current state of the room.
Which means the first thing I should do is make sure I don't have anything to distract me. "Alright everyone, I think it's best if we deal with things more privately from here. Just me, Cordelia, and the kids." There's a few confused looks from everyone present at that, so I elaborate, "Her room, my kids. Seems fair to me."
Sully looks between the two girls dubiously, "Sure you don't want me around in case they…" She makes a vague pantomime that I take to represent attempted murder.
"I think I have things under control from here. Thanks though." I nod, clapping her on the shoulder. "Couldn't have broken this shit show up without you."
"Ha! Anytime. Made for an interesting wake-up call if nothing else." Sully grins, walking out the door and shooing the onlookers away. "Alright everyone, you heard him. Let's leave Ben to sort out his own family drama."
The others are reluctant to leave, but once Sully has pushed them back from the doorway I close it up and leave the crowd to sort itself out on its own. Leaving me alone with three distressed women and no clue what's going on. Yikes.
Of the three, Diana seems to be the most composed at the moment. She sits on the bed, watching me nervously as I survey the room in silence. It's a sharp contrast to the hysterical fury with which she was attacking Severa mere minutes ago.
Severa is equally silent, but far more sullen about it. She's sitting in the same corner Cordelia left her in earlier, in the very back of the room, hugging her knees and glaring straight ahead. The way she's sulking over getting in trouble tells me that Diana is almost certainly the one responsible for starting that fight. When Severa knows she's messed up she tends to double down rather than pout about it.
Noisiest in the room is Cordelia, who seems to be on the verge of a full meltdown as she looks around her ruined room. The girls really did do a number on her things. At some point while fighting they seem to have somehow tipped Cordelia's trunk over, and from there nearly all of her clothing was stomped on, tangled up, and tossed around the room. And Cordelia is staring at it all trying to make some sense of it in her head, and just isn't in good shape for that kind of organization job at the moment.
Not in good shape for the conversation that's about to happen either. She was in rough shape when she came to get me, and seeing all her stuff get trashed seems to have been the straw that broke the camel's back. When she starts picking clothing up off the ground I move to her side and try to intervene as best as I can.
"Hey. You should just leave that for now, okay?"
"But…" Cordelia looks around the room forlornly.
"I get it. I really do. But as much as I want to help you fix all this, it's not the right time. You know what we need to be doing next."
She stares down at the shirt in her hands. Nods slowly. "I do. I'm sorry."
"Not your fault." I pat her reassuringly on the arm. "It's been a shit morning for everyone."
She puts the shirt aside, fingers brushing against a torn seam forlornly. And I suddenly recognize it. It's the same shirt she wore all those months ago on our shopping trip; the blue one that contrasted so nicely with her hair. Hopefully that's an easy fix.
"Alright." I say, looking back to the girls. Diana is still watching me, though her nerves seem a bit more settled. And Severa… Severa is now watching us too. And her expression is… oddly triumphant. "You look rather pleased with all the damage you've caused. I certainly hope you realize that what I walked in on is nothing to be proud of."
Severa flinches at that, gaze focusing straight ahead once more. And Diana's head snaps to her furiously. "Don't you even think about it!" I raise my voice sternly. "I will not tolerate any more fighting. From either of you! Do I make myself clear?"
"But she-!"
"That was a rhetorical question, Diana." I cut her off. "You will have your turn to talk, but only if you prove that you are capable of listening. Just listening. Not reacting. Not attacking."
Diana doesn't speak in response to that. She just nods shakily, clenching her nightgown in her fists as she stares forlornly at the floor.
There's a knock on the door at that point, which Cordelia moves to answer. As she steps away I turn to Severa speaking in a lower voice so that those at the door can't hear me. "As for you, Severa. It's past time that this vindictive behavior of yours stops. I realize you have a complicated history with your mother, but that doesn't excuse this attitude. Cordelia nearly had a panic attack worrying about you this morning, running halfway across the castle to find me, and this is what she's repaid with?"
"That wasn't…" Severa protests weakly, before falling into a sullen silence.
I look back to the door and see Cordelia taking some of Maribelle's medicine, before prompting Severa to continue. "It wasn't what?"
"I didn't do this on purpose, okay? It's not my fault! I didn't want to fight in here! It only happened because she came running in here yelling like a lunatic and attacked me!"
Diana remains silent, her hands twisting further into her nightgown.
"I'm just as much a victim as Cordelia is! I was minding my own business! She's the one who punched me!" Severa exclaims, getting more heated by the second, "I didn't do anything wrong!"
"YOU LIAR!" Diana screams hysterically, jumping to her feet, "YOU HORRIBLE, ROTTEN LIAR!"
She tries to lunge at Severa, but I throw myself in the way before she can get far. The end result is me holding onto a thrashing twelve year old as she struggles to start round two of this insane deathmatch.
"Ben?" Cordelia says in alarm, having re-entered the room. Maribelle isn't far behind her, holding an empty drinking glass in one hand and her staff in the other.
"I've got her, it's okay!" I reassure them, grunting as Diana's elbow clips my head. "Augh, well, mostly okay!"
"I'm not lying!" Severa shouts back at Diana, seemingly confident that the smaller girl won't be able to reach her this time. "You're just a brat who can't mind her own business! I didn't do anything to you!"
"LIAR! LIAR, LIAR, LIAR! YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF! YOU TRIED- TRIED TO-" Diana hiccups for breath, collapsing into my shoulder. "UWAAAAAAAAH"
Her scream of anguish is stark contrast to the silence that has fallen over the rest of the room.
I feel suddenly ill. Like I've just started drinking again and it's gone right to my head. The room feels like it's spinning beneath me. The only thing keeping me from falling onto all fours and gasping for air is the sobbing girl in my arms. Instead I just stay there, holding Diana's head with one hand, rubbing circles on her back with the other, more out of reflex than any conscious desire to comfort her. I simply can't find the focus to do anything.
It takes entirely too long for me to react to Diana's accusation beyond stunned silence. I finally think after a moment to look up, to where Cordelia and Maribelle are still standing. Cordelia shares the same horrified silence as I do. Maribelle on the other hand looks torn between the feeling that she's intruding on something deeply personal right now, and her desire to help in some way.
And finally, I find the strength in my legs to turn myself around to face Severa. I think for a moment to ask her for the truth. It's a mistake, surely. I'm going to find out that Diana was just severely misunderstanding something…
That frail hope dies when I see the guilt in Severa's eyes. "Sev… you didn't…" I whisper.
"No! I… It's nothing like you're thinking." Severa waves her hands frantically. "This is… it's all just Diana taking things out of context!"
"Then what. Is. The correct context?" I say firmly, looking on sternly as Diana continues to wail into my shoulder inconsolably.
"I was… I was just…" Severa starts, but hesitates, eyes moving towards Cordelia and Maribelle.
Maribelle winces at this, placing a hand on Cordelia's shoulder. "Right, Cordelia dear, I think we should be leaving now."
Cordelia shrugs the hand away without so much as a glance, "I'm staying."
Maribelle looks between Cordelia, Severa, and I with pain in her eyes. "I sympathise Cordelia, but this is hardly the time to be intruding with ill-timed good will! This is clearly a family matter!"
"She is family," I say, turning back to look Maribelle in the eye. "Maribelle, the situation is too complicated to explain right now, but please trust me when I say Cordelia has every bit as much right to be here as I do."
Maribelle blinks, taken aback, looking between the rest of us once more. "You're quite certain? Well, of course you are, that's hardly something…" And finally, Maribelle seems to find her footing, back straightening as she nods to us. "Very well then. I would not wish to intrude. Should you find yourselves in further need of my abilities, do be sure to tell me."
I nod once to her. And Maribelle nods back, making the gesture look ten times more dignified than when I do it as always, and turns to leave the room, her pace quickening as she reaches the door. And if, once the door is closed behind her, I hear the sound of distressed sobbing coming from the hallway, I silently promise myself to never speak of it.
"Alright then." I say weakly, turning back to Severa. "We're now back at the part where you tell us exactly why Diana is convinced that you attempted suicide last night." Diana flinches in my arms at the blunt choice of words, and I run my hand gently through her hair in apology.
"That's-! I didn't! I didn't try to kill myself… I just…" Severa's protests get weaker by the second, as her gaze falls to the floor. "I… last night was the night."
"What night?" I ask, waiting for this to make sense.
"It was the night that I was… that, well…"
Cordelia gasps in horror. "No… Severa, you didn't!"
"Didn't what?" I look to Cordelia, surprised that she seems to have understood what Severa is working so hard to not say. "Will somebody please tell me what's going on here?"
"Last night was the night you were conceived, wasn't it?" Cordelia asks, looking very ill.
Severa flinches at that, before shakily nodding her head. "Yes. The night Chrom and Sumia announced their engagement was the night when…"
I finally give in and fall at that. It's all I can do to aim myself backwards onto the bed. Diana clings to me the whole way, forcing me to gather her into my lap as she shakes. And as Diana's sobs renew in intensity I stare blankly into space, already feeling at my limit.
She didn't just try to kill herself.
No, her goal was to make it as if she was never born.
"So… that's why you were in my room this morning." Cordelia muses, "You brought me there last night, to make sure I wouldn't make the same mistake as… oh!" She flinches suddenly, as if struck, and looks remorsefully up at Severa. "Oh Severa, I didn't mean…"
"Yeah, you did." Severa says bitterly. "Whatever. Not like that wasn't the whole point."
I can only stare. If I try to do anything more than holding Diana at the moment I know for a fact I'm going to cross the line into total panic attack. I feel the need to withdraw from this. Process. Come back once things have stopped being so overwhelming. But the other part of my brain is telling me that every second counts here. My kids need me to be okay right now. And I don't know if I can be but I have to try and hold it together anyways.
Cordelia doesn't seem to be holding up much better, looking more and more horrified by the second. "No… Severa. Tell me you didn't do this because of what happened with my future self."
Severa glares balefully at Cordelia at that. "Don't flatter yourself. I didn't do it for you! I did it for-" She freezes at that, cutting herself off, but the way her eyes flicker to Diana and I is telling. Diana isn't even looking at Severa, but from the way she goes suddenly still in my arms I can tell she realizes what Severa was about to say.
"You think I wanted this?" Diana says quietly. She starts to turn back towards Severa, eyes sharpening, but stills as I place a hand on her head.
"Why is it… that you think Diana's life would be better without you?" I ask quietly.
Severa looks me in the eyes, speaking with all the defiance she can muster, visibly fighting herself to get the words out, "I'm the reason everything went wrong. I'm the reason you and mom couldn't be happy together."
I don't understand… "I… but… that doesn't make sense. You mean, because Cordelia… and your dad?"
"Cordelia… and you." Severa replies. "It was always you."
I feel as if my heart has stopped. "But… you said that… that Cordelia got drunk and… and… with some guy…"
"She did. You were the guy."
Cordelia looks over at me, eyes wide with shock.
"You're lying."
The words are out of my mouth before I can even think about it. And now Diana and Severa are staring as well. "No. No, you have to be lying. What you're talking about is- that's rape. That's fucked up. I would never. I would never." The last words come from my mouth in a furious snarl.
Severa flinches away. Diana as well. Cordelia turns to me, raising her hands placatingly, "Ben I think you should-"
"I am NOT A RAPIST!" I explode in a panicked yell. I jump to my feet, unable to think of anything other than flat out denial. I wouldn't. There's no way. That's the sort of thing monsters do. Animals. This can't be true-
"I believe you." Cordelia replies immediately, cutting through the haze in my mind. She places her hand on my shoulders and forces me to face her. "Ben, look at me. I believe you. I know you wouldn't do that to me. Or anyone else."
It's the conviction in her voice that calms me more than anything. I gasp for air, still feeling short of breath, but the feeling of drowning vanished as quickly as it appeared.
"Though this begs the question of what exactly did happen?" Cordelia says, looking back towards Severa.
"I… don't know for sure, okay?" Severa says defensively. "It's not like I was there. But… I was told it was just a dumb accident. You both got drunk and… then you had me." She becomes very quiet at that point, burying her head in her arms. "And… then you held it against each other for the next four years."
"What?" Cordelia stares on in shock.
"You weren't together when it happened." Severa says, so quietly that we have to strain to hear her. "I… I think you were interested in each other, but nothing had… When the accident happened, Mom felt like something had been stolen from her. And she took it out on Dad. She just cut him out of her life. And tried to keep me away from him too."
Cordelia clutches her hands to her chest, looking pained as Severa recounts this. I know the feeling. My heart is pounding in my ears so loudly I'm amazed I can hear Severa at all. "It didn't work though, did it?"
"No." Severa raises her head to look at me, eyes shining with tears. "Not after I found out."
It wasn't the thunder that woke her, that fateful night all those years ago. No, the thing that woke Severa from her sleep was the sound of her mother yelling. For a child who had always seen her mother as somebody warm, and calm, and capable, the anger in her voice was far more terrifying than a force of nature could be.
And through that fear, a certain sense of morbid curiosity rose. A childlike desire to know. What was going on? What made her mom so upset?
And so, she opened the door. And saw him.
It was his presence that she remembers more than anything. Despite being drenched by the rain, despite being flushed from drink, he was imposing. Sodden hair hanging limp around his shoulders, eyes hidden behind the gleam of his glasses lenses, lit only by the flickering fireplace. And with a frame that seemed to fill not only the doorway, but the entire house.
Severa saw this, and stepped back towards her room in fear, causing the door to creak on its hinges as she brushed against it.
And it was like a spell was broken. Two pairs of eyes moved to her at the sound, widening in shock.
And the man that had frightened her seemed to transform before her eyes. It was as if he shrunk, no longer filling the house, becoming just a sad wet man standing in the rain. And his eyes, she could see them now. Not cold, and terrifying as she first thought. No, the eyes she saw were like nothing she had ever seen before. Loving and warm, like her mom, but filled with a desperate yearning.
He never spoke to her. And left not long after, her mother cursing him as he vanished into the dark and the rain. But it didn't matter. What little she saw of him was enough to fill Severa with the unshakable idea that there was something- no, someone- missing in her life.
And she would let nobody, not even her mother, stop her from getting him back.
"After that night I did everything I could to find out more about him. Watching and listening mostly, I couldn't exactly do much else as a two year old." Severa says, rolling her eyes. "All my memories of early childhood are just… searching. Trying to figure out who he was. Why he looked at me like that. And the whole time, you were trying to stop me." She gives Cordelia an accusatory look at that, causing Cordelia to flinch.
"Like I said, it didn't work though. You were a general in that life too." Severa says, turning back to me. "And mom was taking over as Wing Commander. You both worked with the same people, so it didn't take long to figure out who my mom was always trying to keep me from. Took me even less time to realize that you were my dad. Once I started feeling like you were important it didn't exactly take a genius to realize that was why I didn't have one.
"So I came up with a plan. Lucina was just starting sword training with Kjelle, now that they were four. I still had a few months to wait, but I demanded they let me join in. That was the easy part, I think the Exalt liked seeing his daughter and her friends swinging practise swords around, even if we were years from being able to do much of anything with them. The hard part was making them give me a different teacher. I didn't want Stahl, I wanted my dad. And I told them as much.
"Everyone was upset about that. Mom tried to tell me I didn't have a father. But she didn't count on you being there," She starts to tear up as she continues, "You were always there. Once I started watching for you I realized it. You couldn't help yourself. Always had to be watching, even if it meant hiding from mom to do it. You were on the far side of the courtyard that day, standing in the shadows by the wall. So I pointed at you. And told them all again, 'I want dad to teach me.'
"It took mom forever to agree. But she gave in eventually. I think you two had to spend a bunch of time talking about it, because she stopped getting as upset when you were around. And the time came for me to get my chance to train with my dad…" Her gaze drops back to the floor, voice getting quiet enough that Cordelia and I have lean in to hear her. "The session lasted ten minutes. We had barely started when it was announced that Ylisse and Regna Ferox would be mounting a counter-offense against Valm. I guess Frederick and Basilio finally kicked them out of Ferox or something. I remember you looked like you wanted to murder the messenger who told you about it." She laughs bitterly at that, "Small comfort."
That seems to be as far as Severa's willing to go. She falls silent, unable or unwilling to explain further. Eventually, Cordelia and I share a look, and knowing that there's still much more we need to know to unpack this situation, decide to prod further. Cordelia looks over at our daughter, and tries to prompt her to continue. "And… what happened after that?"
"We don't know most of it." To my surprise it's Diana who answers, still curled up nearby on the bed. "You never wanted to talk about those days. Valm was… bad, for the Shepherds. It was a short war, but it was brutal. A lot of people died. Basilio. Panne and Virion. Vaike. Frederick. And…" She looks up at Cordelia sadly. "You died in one of the last battles."
Cordelia pales, but remains silent as Diana continues. "It was a sniper. They shot you out of the air. You… weren't supposed to be fighting that day, but you insisted. You had missed most of the war already…"
"…Because I was pregnant with you, right?" Cordelia says quietly.
"What?" I blink in confusion. "That doesn't…" I trail off as I see Diana nod timidly. "…What?"
"I see." Cordelia says quietly.
"I don't!" I say, looking between the two in shock. "How could Cordelia be your mother? If everything else you two have told us is true we couldn't stand each other!"
"Well I guess you got over it at some point!" Severa snarls, getting to her feet. "Because Diana isn't just my half-sister, and unlike me she wasn't a damn accident!"
"Severa-" I try to speak, but she cuts me off with a furious glare.
"No! Enough dancing around the damned issue! You want to know why I did what I did? Fine! I'll tell you! Anything to stop this stupid re-enactment of my miserable waste of a childhood! I made sure I didn't exist because I know that I'm the reason you two were miserable for five years! Because if you two didn't get drunk and fuck like a couple of idiots you would have been happy together! And she," Severa points an accusatory finger in Diana's direction, "Is proof of that! The moment you two went off to another country, the moment I'm gone from your lives, all of a sudden you're a happy family! But you never got the chance to stay that way!"
Tears stream down her face as she continues to glare defiantly at us, "If I was never born, you two would have been happy together! If I was never born, Diana would have grown up with a mother instead of just a useless older sister like me who could never live up to her memory! If I was never born, if I never existed, I would never have RUINED YOUR LIVES!"
"That is BULLSHIT!" I explode, taking a furious step towards her, before Cordelia stops me. "No, I won't just let her say that garbage and do nothing about it, Cordelia! Severa, if anyone else spoke to me like that about you I'd kill them! So why the fuck would I ever let you get away with it?" Severa starts to turn away as I protest, and I feel my blood burn even hotter. "Severa, look at me. You look me in the eyes right now! I have something to tell you and I am going to make sure you get the message if it kills me!"
She turns back to me, tears still pouring down her face, and I feel my anger sucked away in an instant, as if the strength has suddenly left my body. Cordelia suddenly goes from holding me back to holding me up as the horror I feel clutches at my heart. Horror at the hopelessness and fear in Severa's eyes. She's been hiding this from me. The whole time I've known her she's felt this way, and I didn't realize. How could I have failed so completely? How could she not know how I would feel about this? How I feel about her?
I need to help her. I need to set this right. And as I try to find the words to help Severa, I find myself remembering last night. The words one of my best friends said to help me. "Severa. You are… the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I… before I became your father, I thought I would live my whole life never amounting to anything. Back in my own world, I was nobody. I lived each and every day believing that the things I wanted to achieve in life would never be in reach for me. That I would work a dead end job for the rest of my life and die alone and unloved. And despite that, when I came to this world, when my life got turned upside down, all I could think about was going back. That… that my life was so worthless, that I was such a blight on things, that I needed to get out of here as soon as I could. Because if I didn't, I'd be dragging this world down, this place where all these great people I knew from stories were fighting and adventuring and being heroes. I didn't belong here. This was a story about good, brave people. Not people like me.
"The only reason I began to think differently, the reason I started to want to be like the other Shepherds, was because of how you cared about me. It was because you looked up to me that I began to think better of myself. To think maybe I could be worth something. Like the me of your world was worth something to you and the other children from the future. If I hadn't met you, if I hadn't become your father, I'd still be trying to claw my way back to the hollow excuse for a life I came from."
"What are you talking about?" She protests, staring at me in horror and confusion. "How could you think you're not worth something? You're worth so much more to people than I am! You're… you're my dad!"
"And you're my daughter." I answer without hesitation. "My precious daughter who apparently takes after me a little too much. I… never dreamed that you and I were alike in this regard. The thought never crossed my mind once. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I couldn't see how much you were hurting. But now that I do know, I want you to understand. I love you. You gave my life meaning. And I can't imagine living my life without you. So… please."
I find my strength again, pulling away from Cordelia and taking a step towards my daughter. I meet her eyes, even as tears have begun to pour down my face. And I speak as clearly as I can, even as my voice shakes with emotion, "Please, don't ever say I'd be better off without you again. Please do your best to value yourself the way I value you. And don't ever do something like this again. Let me keep being your dad a lot longer, okay?"
And as I make this final, desperate plea, the defiance finally seems to fade from her eyes. She takes a few stumbling steps forwards, throws herself into my arms, and begins crying in earnest. "I'm sorry dad! I'm so sorry!"
"I'm sorry too." I reply. And the two of us just… hold each other for the next few minutes. And cry until we don't have the energy for it anymore.
Once we've done that though, and Severa looks like she's starting to feel a bit better, I pull away. Because there's still one more thing that needs to be dealt with.
"Diana." I watch as the girl flinches at her name, and let out a weary sigh. "Diana, I'm not mad at you. I know why you did what you did, and I think I understand."
She looks up at me, gaze wary. And I smile sadly at her as I continue, "You're still having trouble seeing me as a father, aren't you?"
Diana blinks in shock, her expression rapidly turning mortified, "What?"
"It's okay!" I reassure her. "I understand. I really do. I may share his face, but I know that the man you remember and I are two different people. Since coming to this world we had completely different experiences, so it's only natural. But even so, I want you to know that-"
"You're wrong!" Diana cries out vehemently. "It's the opposite! You're… you're both different in some ways, but you're the same in so many more. I do see you as a dad, that's not why I kept secrets! I just…" She trails off hesitantly, and says in a much more meek voice, "I didn't want you to be upset."
"Ah, geez." I grimace, taking in her despondent face. "Diana, I wouldn't have been upset with you for telling me. And I wouldn't have been upset with Severa for wanting to what she did. I'm upset with myself for not seeing that this was going on, yes, but that's not your responsibility to fix. I may be a few years shy of the dad you knew, but I'm still a grown adult. It's okay to rely on me more. You should be relying on me more! I don't want my daughters to be protecting me from the tough stuff. I want to be able to protect you instead."
"I don't want to be protected, though!" Diana insists. "The whole reason we came back here was to help you all. To make sure our families could be happy."
"Well that's not how anyone in the Shepherds would even dream of looking at it." I counter. "There may only be a few Shepherds who know about you kids right now, but I know when we found out about what you've been through we all had the same thought. We want you kids to live happily. We want to give you the family that you lost. To finish growing up in a brighter world, with a brighter future."
"That's right." Cordelia says immediately. "I've felt from the moment I met you both that you should have a chance to… to be children. That people your age should never have been forced to grow up so fast."
"And the same goes for Chrom." I continue. "We all want you to be happy. We all want to spare you the horrors you suffered from in that other future. So… trust in us. Work with us. Especially with things like this. We want to be there for you just like you're trying to be there to protect us. So… let's all try to support each other."
"Which, for the record? Means you don't attack people." Severa snarks from behind me.
"You were being an idiot!" Diana protests. "I had every right to be angry!"
"Diana, I understand why you're upset." I interject firmly, "But I don't ever want to see you act like that again. What you need to remember is that people don't do or think the things Severa did unless they're already hurting. A lot. Hurting them more is never the right way to respond."
Diana becomes very contrite as she takes that in, fidgeting uncomfortably. "Okay. Severa… I'm sorry for punching you. And trying to put you in a chokehold."
"Yeah, well… it's fine." Severa grimaces. "I'm sorry for being an idiot."
I feel a little better as I watch the two of them. This won't fix things completely. Not by a long shot. But hopefully with this I'll be able to help them along. I look over to Cordelia, a relieved smile on my face. She smiles back, but she seems… distracted. As I try to settle things she's moved to the far wall of the room, watching things from afar.
I'm about to ask her what's wrong when a knock comes on the door. I share a look of confusion with Cordelia, and she moves to answer.
To my surprise it's Maribelle and Sumia. The two of them are standing at the door, both looking worried. Maribelle in particular still has eyes red from crying, though as she meets my gaze I see a little of the fire has returned to her expression.
"Hello everyone!" Sumia says with as much cheer as she can muster. "We're sorry to interrupt. We just wanted to check in since it's been a while, and-"
"I made hot cocoa." Maribelle says, sending me a pleading look. There's guilt there, the knowledge that she's overstepping by returning after hearing what she did. But she's come back anyways. Couldn't help herself. As much as she doesn't want to interfere, she clearly couldn't bear to just stand by and do nothing.
So she made hot cocoa. Which is… actually kind of a big deal in this world now that I think about it, chocolate is not exactly easy to come by. "Uhh… wow." I blink in surprise as the weight of Maribelle's gesture sinks in. "You know what, I think that's exactly what we could use right about now."
Maribelle's eyes brightens with relief, though she keeps her expression carefully schooled. "Wonderful. I'll have some brought up to you immediately."
"Actually…" I look to Cordelia, then to the room. "I think we'll just send the girls with you, if that's alright? These two could use a break. I'll just stay a bit to help Cordelia clean up."
Maribelle and Sumia look to Cordelia, who nods after a moment of hesitation. "That sounds good then!" Sumia says cheerfully, beckoning to Severa and Diana. "Come on you two, a nice warm drink should help you both feel much better."
It takes a little encouragement to get the two moving, but Maribelle is leading the two of them down the halls before long. Sumia hesitates a moment longer though, looking to me. "Ben, I just want you to know before I go: if you hurt her again I will break you."
I take in her expression. It has all the gravity of a person mentally preparing themselves to commit a necessary evil. Yeah, she'd feel bad about it but she is still deadly serious right now. So it is with equal seriousness that I reply, "I won't hurt her."
Sumia looks me in the eyes a few seconds longer, and nods, seemingly satisfied. Then hurries away to catch up with the others, leaving Cordelia to get the door.
And then it's just Cordelia and I. Alone together. In her room. And the part of my brain still madly in love with this woman begins internally screaming.
Thankfully I'm not letting that part of my brain anywhere near the controls at the moment, so I manage to keep a relatively straight face as I turn to Cordelia. "So… I guess first thing we should do is make sure nothing else is damaged, right?"
"I thought you wanted to talk." Cordelia looks at me in confusion.
"I… do. But I don't really know what to say at this point. So I figure I should at least make myself useful until I do." I shrug awkwardly, before a thought occurs to me anyways. "Oh! Uh, I guess first thing I should say is… don't feel like anything has to… change between us now."
"Change?" Cordelia raises an eyebrow.
"Like, I don't want you to feel like anything has to happen because of what we heard. I know you're not exactly… fond of me at the moment. And I've been trying to work with Chrom to make sure nobody feels obligated to start a relationship because of… future stuff."
"Because we have two children, you mean."
"Uhh… yeah." I grimace. "This probably sounds arrogant or something, doesn't it. Or like… look, I'm not saying I expected you to think that way about me. I just… wanted to… set the record straight, I guess. Just because we need to work together on this, doesn't mean we need to… be together, you know?" No matter how much as my idiot brain still wants us to.
"I understand." Cordelia replies, looking away and beginning to gather clothing.
After a moment or two I decide to do the same, gathering clothing and making two piles on the bed. One for damaged, and one for undamaged. The first pile is relatively small, thank goodness, but having to put anything there feels terrible.
The two of us work in silence for several minutes before Cordelia speaks again. "Do you really think we need to work together?"
"What?" I straighten up and look over to her.
"Do you really think I'll be any good to those girls?" She asks quietly, staring at the blue shirt from earlier. "Wouldn't it be better if I kept away from them?"
"What." I stare in disbelief, my face hardening.
"You don't need me. I should just keep away from those girls." Cordelia looks up at me, expression grim. "I've done too much harm already."
"What are you talking about? You can't just avoid them! You're their mother!"
"I'm not their mother though, am I?" Cordelia snaps. "I'm the villain in Severa's life! And Diana doesn't even know me!"
I can only stare in shock at her exclamation, and she takes the opportunity to continue. "In all of Severa's memories of me, I'm nothing more than an obstacle. The person standing between her and the parent she actually wanted. I stood in her way. I lied to her. You meant more to her than I did and you didn't even speak to her! It's everything I was afraid of before, I acted out of spite and my daughter suffered for it! I really was just an awful mother to her all along!"
"And I let my daughter think that the world would be better off without her for twelve years!" I retort, "I completely failed to see how hurt she was all that time. That's not on you! She's hurt because our future selves both fucked up! We made a mistake, we didn't talk about it until it was too late, and… and… fuck." I groan as my words start to sink in. "…And now I'm here about to repeat the same damn mistake he did."
"What?" Cordelia blinks in surprise.
"Bottling things up. Wallowing in my mistakes. Refusing to move on. Throwing myself a goddamn pity party instead of trying to fix things. It's just like Gaius said." I look over at Cordelia, feeling horrified. "If things continue like this, nothing will change. It'll be just like that past life."
"I don't understand, what are you talking about?" Cordelia stares at me in bewilderment.
"Cordelia, you want things to go as well as they can for Severa and Diana, right?"
"Of course." She replies without hesitation.
"Then we don't have to be together, but we need to work together." I plead. "If those two are going to get the life we both know they deserve, it's going to take both of us. Because I'm not half the parent you seem to think I am. And you matter so much more to them than you think you do."
Cordelia frowns, looking unsure. "But… I don't…"
"I know." I reply. "I broke your trust. I hurt you. I can't ask you to just start trusting me after the mistakes I've made. So tell me this instead: what can I do to earn your trust again?" How can I make things right?"
It doesn't take Cordelia as long as I would have thought to come up with an answer. "If you want me to trust you," She says thoughtfully, gaze lowered, "Then I want you to make sure that what happened with the Pegasus Knights never happens again."
She looks up, meeting my eyes. "If you want to earn my trust again, then you need to tell Chrom everything."
This reveal is one that I have been both looking forward to and dreading. I've been planning it from the moment I introduced Severa to the story, but when the time came to actually write it out, I found myself terrified that I might mishandle it. So let me be clear: my intent is not to paint Cordelia as the villain in this situation. The hurt Cordelia feels at what happened to her is fully justified. If it looked like she was painted in a negative light, that's because Severa is an unreliable narrator. She is an unruly and very troubled teenager acting off of memories from a time she can barely recall. There were choices made that aren't the best for Severa on both sides of the argument, but Severa was never around to see them for obvious reasons.
Next point: it could be argued that Severa's actions are meaningless due to what's going on between Ben and Cordelia. And this is true to a certain extent. Severa believed that she was stopping Cordelia from having sex with Ben when she interfered with her the previous night, but the fact is even if she hadn't done anything nothing would have happened between them. She doesn't know this because she's been hiding away preparing herself to go through with the act, but everyone else is aware on some level that she didn't really change anything that wasn't already changed. But none of them are considering this at the moment because the intent of the action is still there, and that is what is truly upsetting. Diana isn't angry because Severa stopped herself from being born, but because she made the attempt to stop it in the first place.
I hope that this all came through in the chapter, but I wanted to clarify here just in case. Because I recognize that these are serious topics and that mishandling them could cause genuine hurt to them. And if you have been upset by this in spite of my best efforts I would absolutely appreciate it if you let me know. Disheartening as it may be to know I've fallen short of my intentions as a writer, I want to make sure I can live up to those intentions for next time. So please leave a review and tell me whether you feel I've succeeded or think I should have handled things better, and I'll take it all into account for next time.
And in the meantime, here's the good old discord link for all of you. Please feel free to come join, I've been getting lots of people for my new Pokemon fic, but I'm still looking to recruit on the Fire Emblem side of things too!
discord .gg/9XG3U7a