Chapter 45
Steve cried silently for about ten minutes and Danny let him.
He didn't know what to say anyway and letting Steve finally get it out was probably the best way for him.
Danny had expected a lot, but never that his best friend, his "crazy-ninja-SEAL" and "I-see-a-way-out-everywhere-leader" would be afraid to leave his new comfort zone, because he doesn't feel safe anywhere else.
That only shows what kind of damage the siblings had done to him. The open wounds and bruising had healed, the neurological impact seemed to be temporary, but Danny wasn't sure about his mental health at the moment. Having nightmares was one thing, but being scared to go outside was a totally different story. They needed to talk to Dr. Braddock asap.
"I am sorry Danny." Steve suddenly said.
"Don't be." Danny answered softly.
"Not for crying. For not telling you earlier. I…I just thought I can overcome this until…until I would get discharged," the SEAL tried to explain.
"Why didn't you tell Dr. Braddock?"
"I don't know. There were so many other things. I thought the nightmares were more important, I…I thought I had more time."
"Okay. I'll go to his office in a minute, ask if he has an emergency spot open. Do youi think you'll be okay when I leave now?"
Steve nodded.
"Yeah, I am good. I just can't be outside."
Danny returned ten minutes later.
His assistant said there is no open today, but she will explain the situation to her boss. He might come by after his last patient. She'll let us know."
"Thanks Danny."
Dr. Braddock came by right before dinner. Steve and Danny explained the problem to their psychologist and he suggested to start a "practical therapy" the next day, meaning getting Steve to leave the house- starting with being in the courtyard and expanding the range step by step until he could be out in the open.
Steve was reluctant and had his doubts, but he knew he needed to overcome this or he would be afraid and house-bound for the rest of his life.
Although he had agreed to the plan eventually, he was still overwhelmed by his feelings and felt anxious about it all.
His sleep was restless, he had a few nightmares and woke up to every noise there was.
He got agitated and worked himself up even more when he couldn't fall asleep again.
At around 2 am he pressed the call button and asked for a sleeping pill.
He fell into a deep slumber and didn't wake up until 10 am. He had missed breakfast, but Esther knew what had happened during the night, let him sleep and reserved his tray for later.
When Steve woke up, he couldn't eat anything though. He felt rested after the deep sleep, but was too troubled to bring anything down.
When Dr. Braddock arrived, the trio went downstairs.
When they reached the automatic doors that led outside, Steve tensed up, the fingers of his right hand held tight to the armrest of his wheelchair and his heartrate quickened even more than before.
Dr. Braddock made him relax and breathe deep and evenly.
When Steve loosened the tight grip and has his heartrate under control again, Danny wheeled him outside. They stopped a few yards away from the exit.
As soon as they were outside, Steve's eyes started to scan the area – the windows, the few balconies, the entrance on the other side, the trees.
Danny crouched down in front of him.
"Hey, look at me. It's okay and it is safe. And breathe, come on."
Steve looked at Danny, tried to find some comfort and reassurance and he calmed significantly.
Then someone above them closed a window with more force than necessary. Steve almost jumped out of his wheelchair and he would have done it if his legs had been strong enough for that. Instead, he first pulled Danny towards him and then pushed him to the floor, hitting the armrest with his right arm in the process. But he didn't feel it right away, adrenaline pushing his system beyond pain.
Dr. Braddock appeared in his sight "Commander McGarrett! Look at me! You are not in danger. You hear me? You…are…not…in…danger. It was just a closing window. Commander McGarrett!"
Steve's eyes shot up "Yes, sir!"
"It was a closing window. No danger."
Realization sank in.
"Oh, god. Danny! Did I hurt you?" Steve asked concerned and looked at his friend who was already on the way up again.
"No. No, you didn't. I am fine." Danny reassured.
"I am sorry. I am so sorry. I thought…I just thought…" Steve stuttered.
"I know. And it is okay. But there is no need to protect me. I can take care of myself. And there is no danger anyway." Danny said calmly.
"I said I am sorry." Steve repeated.
"I know you did. I just wanted to reassure. Are you good?"
"Yeah, yeah. No danger. Got it. I am good."
"You think you can sit here for a few minutes?" Dr. Braddock asked.
"Yeah, sure."
"Where are you going?" Danny wanted to know.
"Getting some ice for commander McGarrett's wrist."
"What happened? Did you rebreak it?" Danny asked concerned. He hadn't noticed that Steve had hit his wrist, because he had been busy to cushion his fall.
"No Danny I didn't. I just hit it, okay? There is no need to be worried." This time it was Steve who reassure Danny.
They both looked at each other and had to smile.
"Looks like we both have our own issues with anxiety and fear," Steve said. "Let's work it out."
When Dr. Braddock returned with the ice, both men were still smiling.
"Looks like the situation is kind of under control for the moment," the doctor said. He put the ice on Steve's wrist were a small bruise already started to form and continued "Let's enjoy the sun then."
They actually managed to stay outside for two hours before Steve showed his first signs of being tired.
Thankfully, there hadn't been any more "attacks", but he just couldn't sit anymore. They returned to Steve's room in silence.
When the SEAL was lying in his bed again, Dr. Braddock told him how impressed he was how long Steve had managed to stay outside and that he had been able to do it at all after that first initial shock.
Two weeks had passed since the first little tour outside. Dr. Braddock had made sure that Steve got another psych session added to his schedule – now he got three: one to talk, two to go outside. To distract him a little, they even did some talking when they were outside. The last trip had taken them about ten yards away from the main entrance. The next plan was to cross the street the day after tomorrow.
The other two therapies had continued as well, but there was little progress.
Steve still couldn't hold anything with his fingers. Sometimes they were easier to open and close for him, but other times they were so stiff again that he wasn't able to do much of anything.
He could walk a full staircase now without his legs starting to tremble, but the walking still looked like shuffling or limping. He couldn't bend his knee right. It wasn't stiff or anything but it refused to make the right movements.
The ankle was so instable that he still needed the brace. Two days ago, he had almost tripped, because the leg hadn't completely come with him. Thankfully, Connor had caught Steve before he could fall and thankfully, Danny had been out to talk to Rachel about something he didn't want to talk to her over the phone.
And yesterday Dr. Lexington had approached the two friends again to tell them that the delay Steve had been granted, because of the "sudden change in his mental state" had come to an end now and that he needed a decision concerning Steve's further medical care until today 3 pm. He was very sorry, but Steve would be discharged next week. He asked the two men of he needed to repeat the four options Steve had, but it wasn't necessary.
Now Steve and Danny sat together in one of the three lounges to talk about everything.
"I know it is a hard decision to make, but we need to make one today. And I know you have thought about everything more than once since Dr. Lexington had told us the first time. Do you have any favorites or maybe one or two options you don't want at all?"
Steve sighed.
"I think I don't want to go that rehab-center."
Silence after that.
"What about the rest?"
"I don't know."
Silence again, but Danny could see that Steve was thinking and he waited.
"I'd like the SHSTC because I can keep my therapists…"
"But?"
"But is only for four weeks. If the none-progress continues…I have to go to another facility and I don't think I want that," Steve admitted.
"I understand that," Danny said sympathatically.
"Staying in the hospital sounds good, but…I still have to change the therapists…I don't know Danny. I think I just need to draw it by lot." Danny felt that it was very difficult for Steve to make a decision, that he was totally indecisive.
"What about going home?" he asked.
"I'd like that…" Steve slowly answered.
"But…?"
"But…I…I can't."
"Why not? You are still worried about an another attack?"
"No…yes…but…but not as much as before. I think…I hope…I can do that." Steve said reluctantly.
"But…?"
"But…I know…I know you will be the one who is going to stay with me…and…and I…I think you've done enough already. You have your own life. Or better you had one before all this. And I want you to go back to it."
"And?"
"Nothing "and". You can't go back to your life when you have to babysit me. Isn't that reason enough?"
"Not really. I have something in mind. But I have to know if this is the only reason for not wanting to go back to your house."
Silence.
"Steve?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I want to go home Danny – more than anything, but I am not sure if I can handle it."
"I thought I heard you say you hope you can manage."
"It's not about the attack Danny."
"What is it then. Damn it, Steve! It's like pulling teeth! Just talk to me. That's what we are here for." Danny told his friend being a little annoyed.
"It's everything Danny. I know you said you want to be by my side through it all and…and I still appreciate that very much. I don't know where I'd be without you. You've said this isn't about repay and you want to do all this, because you are my friend and if the situations were reversed, I'd do the same. But Danny I am robbing you of your life, your daughter – she is your everything and she is growing up so fast. I don't want you to regret that later – but you will.
And what…what about shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, creaming my back…I don't even know of the wheelchair fits through the doors and I can't…I just can't walk around the whole day. I am still not strong enough for that, the stairs…I…I" Steve worked himself up again.
"Steve! Babe! Stop! Calm down and breathe. If this is all you are afraid of, I can assure you that none of that will be a problem."
"But…"
"No buts. Please let me explain."
"Okay. Okay." Steve nodded.
"You are not robbing me of my life. I think I've said this before: you are a big part of my life, so that part just gets even bigger. I've also told you that the team is going to support you as well. Your wheelchair fits. I've already had a look at that."
"Why? When…Danny?"
"Shush. I am gonna cream your back – you have to do the front yourself though. I'd like to take over your bedroom for as long as the stairs are too risky for you, because I have to sleep somewhere and I won't take the couch again. You take the guest room for that said time…Now comes the tricky part, but there will also be an easy part. So, listen okay?"
Steve nodded again. He didn't know what to say anway and just looked at his friend.
"Samantha would like to join us for dinner three to four times a week. Her daughter is staying with her father for a few months. We will all cook together – I am sure you can at least set the table." Danny smiled.
"When…when did you plan all this?"
"I had a lot of time when you took your naps and when I took my breaks. I did some stretching and running, so I don't get too rusty and it actually helped to clear my head and think about everything. So, what do you say?"
"…Okay." Steve answered after a few seconds.
"Steve please, I…" Danny started to explain again.
"I said okay, Danny."
"Yes?" Danny asked surprised. Not because Steve had said yes, but because it had been so easy to convince him.
"Yes," the SEAL confirmed.
"That is great. And it gets even greater. Now comes the easy part: I've talked to Rachel two days ago. Grace will be at your house three to four times a week – for the next three months."
"For real?" Steve's eyes lit up and he smiled broadly.
"For real." Danny answered.
"…I think we've made our decision." Steve smiled even more.
"Yes, we did." Danny smiled as well.
They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"You knew I was going home before I knew, right?"
"Yes, I knew. Because I know you, Steven. It's your house, the beach and the ocean. This is your home and it will ever be, doesn't matter what is going to happen. You will always return, because you belong."