Summary: Ginny found solitude writing in a diary.
Rated: T
Genre: Angst
Warning Tag: Reference Possession and Obsessive Thoughts and Behavior
What Was Lost
September 2nd 1993
This morning I opened you and was struck by an icy fear at what I saw. It looked exactly how I remembered his handwriting, but after I calmed myself and forced to open you and look again was when I knew it was an imitation of his penmanship in you. What scares me about it now is that I don't remember writing it at all, but I somehow knew it was my own hand that did it.
Am I losing my mind?
I was compelled to flip a few pages back and skimmed through my entries only to find that I had written in his handwriting once before as well. They both were very similar sayings, and looked so much like the sophisticated cursive that he wrote that I grew so accustomed to seeing at every opportunity on parchment… in my mind… awake or asleep.
My little witch.
That's what they both said. Is it possible that he is still here with me? Only alive in my subconscious where I am not aware of his presence?
I'm not sure if I am afraid to find out or not. Should I be excited? I should tell someone at least, right? But I don't know if he would like me to. He never liked it before when I tried.
His power is what I find myself searching for most in my mind and magical core. I felt like I could do anything with his hand guiding me, teaching me, learning about how my magic worked…
It was like having a friend—a tutor—that only I knew existed within the pages of an enchanted book. It was exactly like that, actually. He showed me so much, helped me learn my potential and handle my magic better than any normal first year should. I learned some spells even seventh years could barely grasp.
For some reason I favored the Bat-Bogey Hex as my defense weapon. The older girls who dared to tease or harass me are now the ones who avoid me entirely in the corridors when I pass them by, and it gave would-be bullies a second thought when they heard through the grapevine of what I'm capable of.
October 31st, 1993
My marks on practical magic have never been better, but my potions have become subpar without him whispering behind my ear on how to make them just right. Professor Snape doesn't seem to care about the sudden lack of superior performance from me, he probably thought it was first year's luck, or that I was simply cheating. Snape is impossible to impress, and even he thought so, too.
Maybe that was what I was doing—cheating.
Yet I felt quite smart while I brewed near perfect potions with him. It seems like I really didn't learn, however. It makes me angry, it makes me miss him. His help was useful—valuable.
Professor Flitwick did like my charmed bats for the Halloween Feast. He would've been so proud of me.
December 31st, 1993
If I write his name will it help him come back?
Everytime I try I find myself completely unable to. I can't say his name out loud, I can't make myself write it down.
Is this what they call healing?
I know it is his birthday today. I spent the last one in the diary with him. It made me very tired. I think I slept almost an entire day away instead of helping my mom with New Year's Day supper. It was very draining, like my very magic was being siphoned away whenever we connected that way, but I don't regret doing it… not really.
No one should be alone on their birthday.
He did try to kill me, though. I should tell myself this more often. He almost killed me…
But I had already touched the darkness by then… and I find myself trying to touch it again.
January 14th, 1993
Sometimes I like to think that a spot in the back of my mind where I can't reach is where he sleeps. He can't hear my calls for help, and I can't rifle my way to him through the thick darkness. I like to still think he is here with me…
I want to keep being his little witch, his vessel to my power. I want him to keep guiding me and showing me who I could really be.
Why did he want to kill me?
Was I not good enough for you?
I miss you.
Originally Written For:
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments)
Word Count: 750
Originally Written: April 2019