POV:

I kept my eyes focused on the ceiling, tracing each line and each dent with my eyes. I wanted my mind to be empty, to be clear of thoughts. But I kept thinking back to Jordan, and what happened in the bathroom, wondering if the whole thing was my fault. Wondering if I had somehow made an even bigger mess of the situation I was already in.

I mindlessly scratched my arms, feeling the soft fabric of the bandages A constant reminder of what I had done.

Thinking about Jordan only brought guilt into my body. I had the feeling that whatever happened to her was exactly my fault. I knew it had to be since she was the one who found me in the bathroom, she was the only one who stayed by my side when I was practically dead. I never thought I would be the one to find her collapsed on a bathroom floor, tears streaming down her face and screaming. The whole ordeal just made me feel horrible inside, but I couldn't stop thinking about it, it wouldn't leave me head, no matter how many times I tried to clear my mind and focus on something else.

"I can't help but think it's all my fault," I said to Dr. Sherman who was sitting in the chair next to me. She had her usual yellow pastel scrubs on and the clipboard sat on the table. She never really wrote anything in it, as a matter of fact, she never actually used it all. I just thought she had to carry it around, or maybe she did have something important on it. Either way, she never used it.

Dr. Sherman's eyes looked up thoughtfully. "Well, whatever Jordan saw, it was very traumatic for her. Now, she's not my patient, but given the situation that you described, it might be an early development of PTSD." I was about to speak, but she spoke over me. "Now, it's nothing to be worried about. Usually it can be treated with no problem.

Now, what caused it is another mystery. There are certain triggers that usually cause it to appear. An example would be veterans with large sounds or flashing images. But in her case, it seems to be the bathroom, like, the actual bathroom." Dr. Sherman sighed. "But there's really no way of me knowing, she isn't my patient after all. I'm just going off of my knowledge of the disorder and your description."

"She saw me in the bathroom. That's what she sees every time she looks into a bathroom. She sees me lying on the floor covered in blood," I said, feeling the increasing guilt swallow me up.

"Yeah, that would be a traumatic experience."

I chuckled to myself and sighed. "I guess its my fault then."

Dr. Sherman's face contorted into one of anger. "Seriously Alex!?" She threw her hands on the table with a loud bang. "Stop saying everything is your fault! You aren't responsible for the emotions of other animals! You aren't responsible for what happens to them!"

"But it's my actions that causes them to feel like that! How am I supposed to feel when my best friend freaks out every time she so much as even looks at a bathroom because she saw her friend dead on the floor! How am I supposed to feel?!" There was silence as Dr. Sherman stared at me intently. "Tell me!" She slumped into the chair sighing and rubbing her head.

"This is one of those situations where I don't have the answer," she said.

"I'm sorry," I said with my head low. "I shouldn't have acted like that."

Dr. Sherman shook her head and smiled. "No, it's good that you have that natural reaction to defend yourself. It shows that you're healing, even if it's just a little bit.

Caring about other animals is one of your greatest qualities. But sometimes you can go overboard and begin to second guess yourself and your actions, blaming everything on yourself. Sometimes we don't have control over things that happen with other animals, especially ones we care about. We just have to be there for them when they need us the most."

I folded my hands together. "I just make everything so complicated, don't I?"

"No, you're just an animal whose had bad things happen to him. Your situation isn't complicated, quite simple actually. You're depressed from past experiences, you've repressed your feelings. You've been hurt, you're frustrated, and life isn't going to relent. However, you've made quite a bit of progress, even if we haven't gotten to the root of the problem, but I think we both know what that is."

"You're talking about how I hate being a wolf."

"Right. There's nothing you can do to change that, and I know accepting it is hard. So, what can I do to make it easier for you? Wolf to wolf."

I thought about it for a second, then responded, "I don't know anything about being a wolf. So tell me, what's it like?"

Dr. Sherman chuckled. "That's the first time somebody has asked me that question. Most kids I meet with already know everything about their species, even if they've grown in a household where their species does not match the ones of their parents. But you, you're interesting because of your parents. It's no shock to me that they didn't really teach you anything about being a wolf, let alone a canine."

"Well...they tried, but it was hard for them to explain to me. So I spent most of the time...not knowing. I mean, I know we wag our tails, etc. But there has to be something more, right?

Like, for example. Do I have to eat meat?"

Dr. Sherman smiled. "No, you don't. You can live your life on the substitutes the world provides. Meat does alter your body and increases muscle mass, so you would get bigger, but no, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to." I breathed a sigh of relief, a massive weight being lifted off my chest.

"Ok, what about the urge to eat herbivores?"

"...have you had that urge?"

"No-but I'm scared I might!"

Dr. Sherman sighed, her eyes hinting at repressed pain. "Repressing our instincts is something we have to do. Some animals have had great success at it, and even have relationships with herbivores. But not everybody is like that. I can't determine whether you will go feral or not, but my prediction is that the chances are low. You certainly don't seem like the animal to eat someone, but it's usually the ones that seem less suspect."

"Ok...um...what about pack mentality?"

"Pack mentality?"

"Yeah, you know, where a bunch of canines chase after something and the rest follow, even if they don't know why they're following...bad example."

Dr. Sherman laughed. "No, that's not really a thing, well, maybe. I've never experienced it."

I sighed. "I just don't know how to act as a wolf."

"Well, that's also the part I can't really help you with. Most studies have shown that wolves tend to be sociable and outgoing, they also slouch to accommodate for heights, which you don't seem to do. Maybe that's a reason why most animals are afraid of you. You stand at your full height, so you do look imposing."

"So...I should slouch? It's not that comfortable."

"You don't have to do anything different, just be you."

"That's kind of hard to do."

Dr. Sherman rolled her eyes and stood up. "You definitely are the weirdest wolf I've met. But being a wolf isn't the worst thing in the world. Sure, we are generally not liked by the public because of the wolf stereotype, there's really not a whole lot we can do about that. And ignoring it is pretty hard, but-and I hate to say it, you get used to it. Doesn't mean we like it, but that also doesn't mean we have to conform to it. Like I said, just be you."

I don't know how to be me.

"How am I supposed to 'be me'?"

Dr. Sherman shrugged and looked off to the side. "I'm sure somebody you know could help you out with that question. I'll cya tomorrow!" She gave me a toothy smile, her teeth completely clean and white, then she left.

Call someone who could help? Jordan was suffering from PTSD, Nathan…I didn't know what he was doing, and Dalton? As much as I did want to see him, he still brought back this horrible feeling inside of me that I couldn't get rid of. It wasn't sympathy, it wasn't guilt...and it wasn't hatred. It was more like this sinking feeling every time I saw him. I didn't know if he was going to attack me...or kiss me. It was so convoluted and weird.

But I did miss Steven, a lot. The thought of him brought happiness in my chest. It brought me feelings that I didn't even know I could feel anymore. I missed him so much, I just needed to see him. But last time I saw him, I left him on the roof...alone. That definitely wasn't something a good friend would do, definitely not something a best friend would do. I wondered if it would've played out differently if it was Jordan instead, if she was the one who asked me to hangout on the roof and we both fell asleep.

Was it love? Was love the emotion that filled me up when I thought of Steven? It couldn't have been, since I felt different around Jordan, and I knew I loved her. It was different from the warm feeling I got when I looked at Jordan. It was hot, freaking burning, like the sun was just expanding and threatening to engulf me in its heat. I thought I was going to die each time I thought about him.

I was never into guys when I was little, I wasn't really into anybody. I kept to myself, only stealing glances from animals which I thought were attractive, but those were few and far in between.

My fingers shook as I held my phone out, desperately wanting to dial Steven's number, but putting it down and groaning to myself. I wanted him so badly, so why was I freaking out over it?!

There was a surge of confidence in my body and I took a deep breathing, dialing Steven's number. But all that confidence, all that bravado was gone when Steven picked up and said "hello" with his perfect voice. His voice that sent shivers of excitement up my spine.

"Hey Alex!" Steven said excitedly. "It's been waaaaay too long.

God, it felt like my whole face was on fire, my tail wouldn't stop thumping against the bed, it was loud too.

"H-hey Steven." My breathing increased so much that I was panting.

"What do you need?"

"I-I was wondering if you wanted to...come by the hospital today."

"Today?" There was some shuffling in the background. "Sure! I'm not too busy, I'll just have Nathan do my homework."

"O-ok...I'll cya then!"

"Bye Alex!"

I threw my phone across the room, panting from the amount of heat in my body. Everything felt like it was on fire, and it was just one phone call. I was scared to think what would happen to me when I actually saw him. Was I getting Steven withdrawals? It honestly felt like it, because there was no other emotion that I knew could describe the amount of anxiety and happiness I was feeling. I practically squealed with excitement, finally being able to see him.

I took a couple deep breaths to calm down my rapid heart, to finally calm down everything in my body that was screaming at me to stop feeling this way. It's not like I could help it, my body just wanted Steven.

Oh God, this is such a weird feeling.

I laid in my bed, panting and staring at the ceiling, just waiting for Steven to arrive. It was past lunch, which meant he still had a couple more hours in school, a couple more hours that I didn't have the patience to wait for.

Hours later and there was a knock at the door. My heart practically jumped out of my chest from the thought of Steven coming in, but it was just Dad, the emotional high fading as he walked in and smiled. "Hey, how are you doing?" he said.

Anxiety rose in my throat as I tried to speak. I was constantly thinking about Steven and how I felt towards him. I was scared to tell Dad, I was scared to tell anybody for the fear of what they would say. I didn't even know if I loved him or not, everything just felt so weird and I had no idea what I was feeling.

There was no way I was going to tell Dad that though. He always thought I was into girls, it was kind of the standard, right? What would he say if I told him I liked guys? Did I even like guys? The only animal I actually liked was Steven. It felt like my whole body was melting, and Dad just stared at me blankly.

"Are you ok?" he asked, setting down his briefcase and undoing his tie. My mind was set on Steven, Dad seemed to just fade out of view, and I could feel a tightness rise in my pants, which I quickly covered with the white hospital sheets.

Dad gave me a confused look, but ignored my weird behavior. "Jesus, it's freezing in here."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Wolves like it cold."

"Right, sometimes I forget you're a wolf." I don't think that comment was supposed to be rude, but it still stung a little bit. "How's your day been? Any progress with Dr. Sherman?"

"Not enough," I mumbled.

Dad sighed and sat down on the couch. "You'll get there eventually, at least she seems nice. I've read a bunch of stories where the psychiatrist is just a horrible animal. Makes me happy to see that you like her."

I swallowed hard, knowing I had to tell him Steven was coming over. As much as I hated it, I was still a goody-to-shoes and hated lying to my parents, even though I did it a lot when I was little. Being truthful just made life easier, plus, when I needed to lie, it always seemed genuine. "Hey, Dad?" I said, my voice cracking from the words. His eyebrows raised and I continued. "Is it ok for Steven to come over?"

There was a silence in the room, deafening and horrible. Dad just looked at me with a confused expression. "I don't see why not? You know, you don't have to ask me that question. You're seventeen, almost an adult. I don't care who, or when you hang out with your friends." He shrugged his shoulder. "Besides, they all seem nice and trustworthy, and that Jordan girl is really cute."

"That's...really creepy to say Dad," I said with a giggle.

Dad shot me a stern look and rolled his eyes. "Ugh, I regret saying that."

I couldn't help but smile at the deer that sat in front of me. The deer that hated me for a good portion of my life, the deer that resented me and wanted nothing to do with his son. Yet here he was, cracking jokes and making the room more lively. As much as I hated to think that it was my attempted suicide which changed him, I was glad it did. I missed the Dad who cared about me, who actually loved me. It was a nice change of pace, one that I knew wasn't ever going to change.

Would he accept me if I really was gay? Would he care? Would he change and return to the Dad that hated me? No, I needed to be willing to trust him that he wouldn't change, that he would stay the loving Dad that I always wanted him to be. But that trust had been broken so many times, bruised and battered. There was no way I was going to tell him how I was feeling for the fear of being hated again. The little voice inside my head told me I needed to tell him, I just couldn't keep it pent up anymore.

But I couldn't bring myself to do it, each time I opened my mouth to say it, nothing came out. It was just a jumbled mess, and I spun those words into a conversation starter just to avoid asking the question. As much as I loved Dad being different, I just didn't trust him enough with this little secret. But when was I ever going to trust him again? I would have to talk to Dr. Sherman about it later.

"So, when's Steven coming over? I don't think I've actually met him," Dad said.

"O-oh...uh...he didn't really specify a time."

Dad stood up and stretched out his arms, breathing a sigh of relief. "Well, I'm gonna grab some dinner for us. Text me what you want and I'll bring it up." I nodded in response and began texting Steven, asking for confirmation if he was coming over. Of course, he said yes, which didn't really do anything to stop my marathon of a heart.

Dad texted me a couple minutes later about dinner, I wasn't really hungry, but I figured I would just save it for later to heat it up in the microwave Mom bought me a couple days ago. Cafeteria food wasn't the best in the world, so they would bring me microwave dinners. Not the best, but certainly better than whatever the vegetable mush was in the hospital cafeteria.

I got out of the bed and walked to the bathroom, staring at my depressing reflection. The sunken eyes never left, never stopped looking dark. Sure, they were a dark grey color, but that didn't stop me from thinking they were just black. My grey fur was still its normal color, if not a little bit longer than before, and the white on my face was clean, despite haven't showering in a while. I took a whiff of my shirt and cringed from the smell, having a wolf's nose sometimes didn't have its benefits.

Then I thought back to when Jordan found me without my shirt on. That was a horrible situation to be in, I couldn't even smell her standing there, I didn't even hear her come in. It was weird to think that she saw my body, I wasn't comfortable with the idea, but I wasn't inherently terrified of it. If we were to be best friends, there were some parts that I needed to accept. I needed to be ok with that part of my body being exposed. I still didn't like it.

Sorry Jordan.

I took a quick shower, hoping I would smell a little bit better. At least I didn't have to have a nurse in the room with me to make sure I didn't cut my wrists again. That was the worst part about being in here. Dr. Sherman did her best to give me privacy, before that, the nurses insisted on helping me out with everything. That included changing in and out of clothes, I wouldn't do it unless Dad was in the room, and even then I made them turn their backs.

I dried off with the towels which made my fur poof up and I sighed. No amount of fur dryers were going to fix my cursed genetics, I would just have to wait for it to go down. In the meantime, I ate the food Dad brought over while I was in the shower and nervously flipped through channels, trying to do anything I could do to stop my mind from thinking of Steven.

Minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like days.

Until there was a loud knock at the door which literally made me jump.

Steven came in with a backpack on, a smile on his face and his brown fur soaking up the light, making him shine like the sun in the dark hospital room. He looked around the room, my hands were shaking underneath the sheets. I've never felt this way before, so I didn't understand what was going on at all.

Steven set down his bag and slumped into the chair, making a loud audible sigh. "School is the worst," he said. "The dorm room gets really lonely without you there to spice it up. Dalton still comes back late with scars, he says it's his wrestling classes, but I don't think you're supposed to get scars from that.

Nathan joined the audio visual club with Jordan, they're working on her campaign for Student Council president. And I sit...alone."

I walked over and sat down next to him. "Sorry," I said. "I'm doing my best to get out of here, but they want to keep me longer for...cutting my wrists again."

Steven laid his head on my shoulder. "They tell us not to talk about it, but I really wish you wouldn't do that."

I looked down at the bandages on my arms, the pain never actually going away. "Yeah...me too."

All the happiness, all the joy he brought me was gone, destroyed by one single look at my arms. I hated it, I hated what I'd become. The thought tickled at the back of mind, telling me the pain would go away with one swift slice across the arm. But I shook them away, I was supposed to be spending my time with Steven, and I was going to do just that.

Although I didn't know the emotions that well, I still knew a subset of love. I still knew what it felt like to feel and experience love. And I knew I was feeling it when I looked at Steven, his eyes glistening from tears that threatened to come out.

"Each day I ask myself 'why didn't I look harder? Why didn't I pay more attention?' I know you might hear that a lot from Jordan, but-" a little breath of air escaped his mouth. "God I wish I just paid more attention! I hate feeling like this! I hate feeling useless and worthless and pointless and-and horrible every second of the day! And of course I can't blame you because you're going through the worst of it and we're not supposed to say anything. We're supposed to suck it up and pretend you're ok, pretend nothing is going on." He burned his snout into my arm. "But I can't keep going around the school pretending to be this happy dog, pretending to be this animal that I'm not!"

I never knew the true extent of his feelings. Much like me, he hid them as well. He wasn't completely wrong about his personality though. He was a kind, sweet, and a happy dog. He cared for other animals, regardless of species or gender. I hated to think that was all ruined because of what I did. I screwed up him, I destroyed him.

"I'm sorry," I said. I mean, what else could I say?

Steven pushed off of me, staring at the floor. "No! Stop saying you're sorry! You have nothing to be sorry about!" He turned to look at me, tears streaming down his face and wetting his perfect fur. "I just hate thinking that I could've stopped all of this, that maybe you wouldn't be suffering!"

I hugged him tightly, feeling his tears wet my shirt. In moments like these, the only thing I knew what to do was hug them. It was on instinct, if I saw someone I loved, I hugged them. It never really made the pain go away, but it was the only thing I knew how to do. I liked to think that it did take away some of the pain, even if only a little.

"I'm doing better, really," I said.

"Y-you sure?" Steven said, sniffling.

I pulled away to look at his face. I wanted to kiss him, I really wanted to kiss him. I had never thought of it before. But when I looked at his tear stained face, the emotions that flooded onto his face. I wanted it all to end with a kiss.

But I knew I couldn't do it, I couldn't bring myself to kiss him, no matter how hard I wanted to.

The relationship seemed to move too quickly, we had only met at the beginning of the school year, the end of august. Kissing him now seemed too soon. I wanted to go out on dates with him, watch movies together and do things couples did. I didn't want it to start so quickly.

Maybe I just wasn't ready for a relationship with a guy, maybe I just wasn't ready for a relationship at all.

I showed Steven the bandages on my arms. "These will heal eventually, I'll be able to take off the bandages and return to school. I promise, I'm getting better. It's been a long hard road, but I'm going to get to the end."

I'm going to do it, for you.

Steven wiped his eyes and laughed. "God, you really know how to make me cry, especially since you left me on the roof last time." It made my heart melt to see some sense of joy returning to his face. "Sorry about crying."

"It's ok, we all need to release the emotions at some point...bottling them up only gets you in my situation."

Steven smiled, his beautiful, perfect smile, his eyes still glistening from the residue of tears. "Thanks, you're the only true friend I've had."

Friend?

My heart stopped for a second. I didn't think of him as a friend anymore, I had taken that thought and removed it from my mind. But did he only think of me as a friend?

Steven looked around the room. "Do you mind if I spend the night here? I just...I can't sleep at the school anymore. Between Jordan's feud with Brittney and the silence of the dorm room, I just can't take it anymore."

"Sure you can! I'll get the nurses to bring extra blankets. The couch isn't the most comfortable, so I hope that's ok." He looked off to the side and lowered his head.

"I was hoping I could just share your bed."

I took at a glance at the hospital bed which barely accommodated my size, let alone fit two carnivores in. Sure, Steven isn't the biggest German shepherd, but both of us crammed together in the tiny bed seemed less than ideal. We had done it before, that was probably the best sleep I've ever gotten, but doing it again… I didn't know what to do.

He seemed to sense my hesitation and quickly corrected himself. "Oh! That's ok, I can just sleep on the couch, no big deal."

I sighed and sat on my bed, patting next to me. He walked over embarrassed and laid down next to me.

The emotions were back again and my heart started to race, my breathing becoming rapid. I didn't feel like this when I slept next to him last time, so what was happening?!

Steven turned on his side, and his tail began wagging against my chest. "Sorry," he said, holding his tail. Then mine began to wag side to side.

Our tails know our true feelings.

I shut off the lamp, staring into the darkness, my carnivore eyes adjusting. Everything was crystal clear. The sounds, the smells, all of it was enhanced by the silence of the room. I could hear Steven's breathing, the chirp of crickets outside. My heart pounded in my ears and a tightness grew in my shorts. I quickly turned over and only thought about sleep, only thought about things that made me depressed so it would go down.

Eventually it worked, and I felt my eyes growing heavy, Steven's light snores next to me.

For the first time in...forever, I felt happy.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine.