A/N: Warning: This is a very sad chapter :(

Also I've just finished writing this story which was quite sad but I am working on a new story already which is exciting. There are probably about 7, maybe 8 chapters left of this so don't worry you've got plenty left to read, including some Merlin whump.

Chapter 46

Hunith died in mid-November. The very day that marked the anniversary of her younger son's death. It had started off as it did every year on that day. Merlin barely slept because of the nightmares, Arthur barely slept because of Merlin barely sleeping. It was a solemn morning as they tried to push aside their memories of Will to get the girls up and dressed without causing a drama. Merlin stayed in bed for as long as he dared. Freya made an exception to the 'no dogs upstairs' rule so her brother could have some cuddles with Killi.

Merlin only got up for the arrival of his mother who seemed to be in brilliant spirits given the day. She spent the morning recalling old memories and playing with the twins. Merlin was stubbornly avoiding all contact with his family and had offered to cook lunch, meaning he spent a few hours in the kitchen not in the living room with everyone else.

"Merls, why don't you go and speak to everyone?" Arthur came into the kitchen and got himself a drink, "Your mum's in a really good mood."

"When she's in a good mood it's too easy to convince myself she's getting better," Merlin said, "And she's not. She never will be."

Arthur put his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "The twins want you to play with them."

"I'll come after lunch."

"We're going to the waterfall after lunch."

"This evening, then."

"I can finish lunch," Arthur offered.

"Arthur," Merlin looked at him pointedly

"Ok," Arthur surrendered, "How long?"

"Ten minutes."

"I'll let them know."

Merlin nodded and returned to the food. A few seconds later, Hunith appeared in the doorway, leaning heavily on her walking frame.

"Mum!" Merlin fussed immediately, "You should be sitting down! Here," he pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and helped her sit down.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" she asked.

"No, I'm fine."

"Well I'll keep you company, then."

Merlin returned to the counter and continued preparing lunch.

"Is everything ok, sweetie?"

"It's a difficult day," Merlin said.

"Of course," Hunith smiled, "Merlin, you and Freya make me proud every single day. I know it's been difficult since I got sick but I don't want you remembering me as some old, sick lady who couldn't look after you. It's because of you that Will and Freya were raised well and became such amazing people, I know that and I regret not being a proper mother to you when you needed me to be."

"You were, mum. You're the best mum anyone could have ever hoped for. Besides, even if I did help with Will and Freya growing up, someone had to raise me," he smiled.

"And didn't I do a good job?" Hunith motioned for him to sit beside her, "I'm so proud of you, Merlin."

Merlin grinned, "You're the best mum ever."

"I do understand why you don't like coming to see me," Hunith said, "I know it can't be easy to see me like this,"

"You're my mother, I should be there for you."

Hunith took his hands, "Listen to me, Merlin. This is difficult for everyone. But I won't be here for much longer. It's you that's going to live to deal with what happens and I'll be happier knowing you'll manage than if you were making it unnecessarily difficult for yourself. I want you to be ok and I know you love me and you care for me. So you're not to feel bad about not doing enough, ok? You've done more than enough for me since before you could walk. Promise me, Merlin. Tell me you won't feel guilty."

"Ok," Merlin hugged her, "I love you mum."

"I love you so much, my beautiful boy."

When they went to the waterfall, the twins toddled alongside Merlin holding one of his hands each. Freya and Hunith were at the front, setting the pace which was, obviously very slow and Arthur and Matt were at the very back talking quietly to each other.

"Uncle Merlin?"

"Yes?"

"Why is everyone so sad?" Briar asked.

"Because on this day lots of years ago, something really bad happened and every year we're reminded of it."

"What happened?"

"Erm," Merlin choked on his words, "We lost someone we all cared about very much."

"Can't you find them again?" Rose's innocence almost made Merlin smile.

"No. Sometimes you lose someone forever and they can't come back again."

"Oh. Will that happen to us?"

"Not for a very, very long time."

"Will it happen to you?" Briar asked in terror.

"Eventually. But it's not something you have to worry about for ages and ages."

Thankfully the conversation moved away from death pretty quickly and they were soon standing at the top of the waterfall. Matt and Arthur were each holding onto one of the twins tightly just in case they tried to run off and ended up tumbling down into the rapids below. Hunith and her children weren't quite as near to the edge of the fall as they usually would be just because her balance wasn't good at all.

"You both know I'm going to be joining Will and your dad soon."

"Mum!" Freya protested.

"No, it's true. But I feel so lucky that you both have the most brilliant people around you to look after you than I better could. Please continue to live your happy lives, even without me. I'm so proud of both of you and you don't need me anymore. I promise, it'll be ok."

They spent a considerable amount of time at the waterfall before heading back to the house. Matt and Freya were going to drive Hunith back to the care home and leave the twins in the capable hands of their uncles. But an hour after they were meant to be back, Merlin was becoming panicked and Arthur was starting to feel on edge. Just as he was about to call and check on things, his phone rang. Merlin looked up sharply, abandoning the game he'd been playing with the twins and he watched closely as Arthur answered the phone. His face went from concern to devastation in a matter of seconds. Merlin knew what had happened before Arthur even said it.

"Girls," Arthur cleared his throat a bit, "It's time for a nap before dinner. Go upstairs, please, I'll be up in a second."

"Where's mummy?" Rose asked.

"She'll be home in a bit," Arthur promised, "Go on, upstairs." He watched the girls traipse out the room sadly and then approached where Merlin was sitting, "Merls-"

"Don't say it," Merlin was struggling to take proper breaths already, "Please, no."

"Gorgeous, I'm so sorry."

"No," Merlin repeated in shock.

"What do you need?" Arthur asked, swallowing back his own grief.

"Check on the girls," Merlin choked out, "Give me a minute."

It was clear that the twins had picked up on the fact something was wrong. They were nervous and quiet, doing exactly what they were told without hesitation.

"Uncle Arthur has something bad happened?" Briar asked.

"Everything's alright," Arthur said with a smile, "Get into bed."

When he got back downstairs, Merlin was nowhere to be found. On the kitchen table was a note saying he'd gone for a walk but there was nothing to say how long he'd be or where he was going. Arthur sighed. Usually he'd go after him and talk everything through with him but with the twins upstairs, Arthur couldn't leave them alone. Especially when he didn't know how long he'd be out. Freya and Matt would be another few hours at least. There was lots to sort out at the care home, apparently.

So with nothing else to do, Arthur sat down at the kitchen table and cried. It was a horrible, horrible feeling to lose the last possible person you'd able to call a parent. He was heartbroken and grief stricken. It was only a slight relief that Freya and Matt were dealing with the worst things and he and Merlin didn't have to.

After about half an hour when he'd managed to compose himself, he sent a text to his friends' group chat to let them know what had happened. There were several heart-felt messages of condolences and everyone asked after them.

'It hasn't sunk in yet,' Arthur had typed, 'Merlin's gone to clear his head.'

'By himself?' Gwaine asked immediately.

'Yeah. I'll let you know when he gets back.'

When the twins woke up and came downstairs, Arthur was still the only adult in the house. He'd sat on the sofa with the dogs who'd also both sensed something was amiss and were clinging to Arthur's side like limpets.

"Is mummy still with granny?" Rose asked.

"She'll be back soon," Arthur said, "Are you hungry?"

He prepared some fruit and milk for the girls and sat down with them to try and keep them entertained until someone returned to help him. When Freya and Matt did return, both their eyes were puffy and red and they both looked broken.

"Has Merlin gone upstairs?" Freya asked in a tiny voice.

"He went for a walk hours ago, I-"

"Go and find him," Matt said, "We'll speak to the girls. Did you say anything to them?"

"No, I didn't think you'd want me to."

They all hugged each other tightly and cried some more before Arthur pulled on his shoes and left without even grabbing a coat. With Killi's help, he found Merlin in the little cave by the waterfall where Matt had done the carving. He was sitting on the floor with his knees tucked up to his chest and sobbing. He looked so much like a child that it broke Arthur's heart.

"Hi, gorgeous," Arthur croaked as Killi padded over to Merlin and nuzzled him.

Merlin looked up. Arthur had seen Merlin through some truly awful things. His entire body burned and broken, his head cracked open, in the midst of fits and panic attacks, deep in comas, exhausted and weak. But through all of those times there had been a bright determination in his eyes, even if it was hidden by grief. Now, that spark was gone and Arthur didn't think it was down to the dim light of the cave. "You didn't need to come, I was just on my way back," Merlin said.

"You've been gone nearly four hours, Merls. It's going to get dark soon."

"Oh."

"Are you ready to come back?"

"I don't want to see Freya," Merlin said.

"You can go straight to bed," Arthur said easily, "I'll make an excuse, they'll understand, given what's happened."

"Ok."

"You're not as upset as I thought you'd be," Arthur blurted out.

"Sorry to disappoint."

"No, no. It's just- you don't have to hide your feelings, gorgeous. Your mother just-"

"I know what happened. And of course, I'm upset. It just doesn't feel real yet."

"Come on," Arthur held a hand out, "We can talk about it when we're somewhere warm."

Merlin took Arthur's hand allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and then immediately collapsed into Arthur's embrace, entire body shaking with sobs. Arthur melted and held him tightly. Neither said a word they just stood and cried and trembled until Arthur pulled Merlin out of the cave into the fresh air.

"Take some deep breaths," he comforted, following his own advice, "You're ok."

Killi jumped up and put his paws on Merlin's hips. Merlin's hand drifted down to stroke him half-heartedly.

When Arthur did manage to get Merlin back to Freya's house, he took him and Killi straight upstairs and settled them both on the bed before heading back down to talk to Freya. She was sitting on the sofa with Aithusa, looking through a photo album and crying softly.

"Did you find him?" she sniffled.

Arthur nodded, "How're you doing?"

Freya tried for a smile, "I need some time. Matt's taken the girls out for a bit."

"Did you speak to them?"

"They don't understand. Oh, it's an awful day. A wicked, wicked day. Anniversary of Will's death and the fire, now mum's gone too. I don't know how I'll cope."

"It's going to be alright," Arthur said comfortingly, "Is there anything you need?"

Freya shook her head, "I prefer to be alone in times like this."

"Of course. Let me know if you change your mind, I'll be upstairs with Merlin."

"Thank you."

Arthur took the stairs two at a time and handed Merlin his sleeping pills, "Here. Rest for a while."

"I can't. The nightmares. And now-"

Arthur hushed him soothingly and sat down beside him. Killi flopped over their legs.

"I'm not going anywhere," Arthur promised, "I'll look after you."

"I miss her already," Merlin's voice quivered.

Arthur got two pills out of the packaging and held them out to Merlin who took them with a shaking hand. With Arthur's help, he swallowed them both and sank into Arthur's arms.

"You're trembling," Arthur said.

"I can't help it."

Arthur pressed Merlin's head against his chest over his heart so Merlin could feel and hear the beating. For the half hour before Merlin's body became completely limp, Arthur muttered reassuring words into his ear and rocked him gently like a baby. It was only once Arthur was completely sure that Merlin was sound asleep that he considered closing his own eyes. The past few nights had been difficult because of Merlin's nightmares. They kept him and therefore Arthur awake long into the night and several hours into the morning. Last night they'd been so violent and vivid that they had Merlin vomiting in the bathroom for most of the night, effectively waking the rest of the house too.

The next day, Merlin was a mess. He was sick and deeply shaken. Not one word parted his lips all day. He wouldn't eat or drink or even let Arthur comfort him. If his husband tried to get into the bed and cuddle him or kiss him, Merlin would turn away or curl up into a ball. Arthur and Matt were largely responsible for keeping the house running and the girls occupied. Freya wasn't up to much either but Matt informed Arthur that so far, she was faring better than Merlin.

For the first two or three days after Hunith's passing, nothing happened. The dogs weren't walked, groceries weren't bought, showers weren't taken. But then Matt and Arthur took charge and started to get everyone else back on their feet. Merlin had been asleep for a full day. Arthur checked on him regularly, made sure he wasn't dehydrating and his breathing was alright. But it seemed like he just really needed the rest and Arthur was glad he had some escape from everything.

"How's Merlin?" Matt asked one morning when they were preparing breakfast for everyone. The two men had found comfort in each other during the past couple of days. They were stubbornly keeping themselves composed for their loved ones but found support between them. They'd shared tears together for their lost mother-in-law, helped each other through difficult moments, took over looking after Briar and Rose.

"He's still sleeping."

"He must have been exhausted."

"I always knew it was going to be difficult and I was terrified for it to happen. But this is just-"

"We'll get through it. Freya and I are sorting everything out tomorrow with the funeral and to go through the will and other arrangements. Once we've had our goodbyes, it'll be a case of getting through the grief."

"Easier said than done."

"I know. Arthur I've been through this. I lost my dad to dementia and on the same day Freya was sentenced to three months in prison. I had to get through the mourning without her and I vowed that when she lost Hunith, she wouldn't be alone for it like I was. We can get them through this, I know we can."

Arthur nodded, "If Merlin ever decides to stop being lazy."

Matt smiled, "Is anyone coming over for the funeral from England?"

"They all want to be here," Arthur said, "The problem is the kids."

"What about them?"

"Whether to bring them, or leave them with someone at home."

"The children shouldn't stop anyone from being here when they want to be," Matt advised, "Let them all come. We have another room here in anyone wants to stay with us."

"I'll talk to them once a funeral's been planned," Arthur said, "I'll go and tell Freya that breakfast's ready. See if Merlin's awake for some, too. Are the girls down?"

"Yeah, I've got them watching tv to stay out the way. Awful parenting, I know, but at this point-"

"Don't worry about it," Arthur smiled, "I'll be two seconds."

Arthur went upstairs, poked his head around Freya's door and helped her out of bed so she could go downstairs. When he entered their room, Merlin's eyes were flickering and twitching so Arthur sat on the edge of the bed and stirred him.

"How are you feeling?" he asked gently, pleased when he placed a kiss on Merlin's forehead and he didn't flinch or recoil.

"Empty," Merlin said, "I can see her everywhere, all through the house."

Arthur stroked his hair soothingly, "You slept all through yesterday."

Merlin looked at gun blearily, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be silly. Do you fancy coming downstairs, the dogs are dying to see you? They've been whining at the baby gates for a day now."

Merlin nodded hesitantly.

"It'll be ok," Arthur assured him, "I'm not going anywhere, ok?"

He helped Merlin to get out of bed and pull a jumper on then supported him all the way downstairs. He was feeling a little queasy so wasn't quite as confident with hopping as he might usually be. Freya was delighted to see him up having not actually seen him since before Hunith had died.

"Where are the dogs?" Merlin asked as he collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Matt just took them out side for a toilet run," Freya brought him over a fresh cup of tea.

"And the girls?"

"Having their breakfast next door. Do you want anything to eat?"

"Just a little bit of cereal, please."

"Of course."

"I'll do it," Arthur said, "Freya, sit down. Merls, there's some bacon and eggs if you fancy something hot?"

Merlin shook his head, "No thank you."

"Alright. Freya, what do you want?"

"I can get it myself," she protested.

Arthur sent her a stern look.

"Let him do it," Merlin whispered, "He likes being able to do things for people when something rough is happening."

"A bacon sandwich please, with ketchup," Freya requested, feeling weirdly like she was in some sort of restaurant.

"Where do you keep your ketchup?"

"Bottom drawer under the cooker."

Arthur got everyone's breakfast ready and joined the others at the table just as Briar came in holding two empty plates. "Mummy, I'm thirsty."

"What would you like?" Freya stood up.

"Please can I have some apple juice?"

"Of course you can. Does Rose want anything?"

"Apple juice too."

While Freya was pouring the drinks, Briar ran up to Merlin and hugged his leg, "Are you feeling better?"

Merlin smiled, "A little bit."

"Good."

When Matt returned, both the dogs immediately started barking and jumping up at Merlin who flinched and looked panicked.

"Oi!" Arthur yelled above the noise. He stood up and moved to the corner and called the dogs over, "Sit down here and be quiet. Aithusa, sit. Good girl. Stay. You ok, Merls?"

"They just gave me a fright."

Matt came into the kitchen from the living room, "Sorry about that, I didn't know you were up, Merlin."

"It's ok. They're just happy."

Matt made his way to the counter to get himself some breakfast, stopping on the way to kiss Freya's cheek.

"Matt and I are going to be out for a lot of tomorrow," Freya said when they were all sitting down and eating, "Do you want us to take the girls to nursery so you can have some time to yourselves?"

Arthur and Merlin shared a look before Arthur replied, "If that's alright. They'd probably be better looked after there than with us at the moment."

"That's fine, we'll take them and pick them up," Freya said easily.

"I also need to go to the shops today, we've not got much food in," Matt said, "I'll take Briar and Rose to get them out the house."

"Let me give you some money," Arthur offered, "We've been here for over a month now, intruding on you."

"No, don't be silly. You're barely costing us a penny compared to double trouble through there."

"At least for the dog food if nothing else," Arthur insisted.

"Alright. But really, you're not intruding it's nice to have you here."