Chapter 46: Doubt
As all the evenings before Eren goes with Levi to his bedroom. He knows he is old enough to sleep alone, had done it for years and still it made him feel warm inside. It´s like in the beginning where Levi was to afraid about his safety to let him alone or even before as they shared body hear in the dark forest. Eren know that he had frighten Levi with the whole crystal-sleep-thing.
Hanji had asked him if that ever happened before, it didn't. And he wasn't sure why it happened after the fight with Reiner. He was tired, more exhausted then ever before in his life. But a few hours of rest in the sun would have done it too. What would have Levi done when he had slept longer, for weeks or months, even years. Would he have waited at his bedside when he woke up? Would he have given up on him and buried him like Eren did with the forever-sleeping people? Or would he have moved on and forgotten about him when ten or twenty years had passed. Eren hoped for the letter, he wouldn't wish for Levi to be sad forever. The look in Levi´s eyes told him that his wish would be unanswered. Levi would have waited or die by protecting him from whatever would come to take him away. Not a happy thought.
He has a lot of not happy thoughts since he woke up. Eren uses training to distract himself from it but there is no helping in the nights when he lays awake next to Levi, his soft breathing and the warmth his body would radiate. He knows what kind of feeling it is. It´s called regret and he felt it many times before. As he was lonely and alone in the forest, when he saw the little ones fighting and loosing. When he carries their broken bodies away to safety to give them a place to rest. For not being fast enough, not strong enough.
But there is another feeling too and it took him a while to understand it, guilt. Eren felt guilty for killing Reiner, he had never killed a human before. He even ate him. Eren´s body shattered by the thought. Reiner had been his friend. He would still call the blond giant a friend but it appears as if they were his enemies. Reiner, Annie and Berthold. Three teenager he called his friend. Who he trained together, fought together, slept together. They are his enemies because they knock down the wall and let the titans in, because they help killing humans.
Was he really better then them. He killed Reiner to protect Levi, do they protect something. If so, why won´t they talk to him or Erwin or anyone. They are shifter like him, other then titans they can talk and argue and understand with others. Why won´t they do that.
"Eren. Where are you?" He looks up and finds Levi watching him. He must have called Eren before. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?" Eren shakes his head. He isn't nervous about going outside or being the little piece of cheese in a mouse trap (thanks for that Hanji, a picture Eren will never forget again). "Can you tell me what is wrong?" Could he tell Levi, what would he tell him anyway. What is his problem, where does all the doubt come from?
Levi sits down on his bed and after a few seconds Eren follows. They lay down together and like in the forest Levi pulls him closer, hides him from the cruel world that could hurt him. "I don't want to kill Berthold or Annie." In a whisper the words find their way out. Eren hadn't understand that it was this thought that hold him in it´s dark grip. He doesn't want to kill his friends.
"You don´t have to." Eren wants to protest but Levi stops him. "You don't have to kill them. You don't have to fight them, if you don't want to. I know that killing isn't something that should be easy and the only relieve I can offer you is that you saved me as you killed Reiner. If you hadn't fought that day I would be dead. I´m sorry you had to kill for me but if it is any help I´m glad to be alive." It´s not really helping but it doesn't make it worse.
"You wouldn't stop me when I get up now, leave and return to the forest. Deserting." Eren feels a chuckle in Levi´s body.
"I would go with you and help you get the horses ready." Eren smiles. Like in the forest, together or not at all. "You remember it, right. In the forest where it was only us and you ask me to take you with me to the wall. I ask you now, if you leave take me with you." Eren would like to cry how had he deserved this man in his life. "I would have died that day we met, I was ready, more then willing to finally leave this life, but you gave me a new purpose and I will stay by your side until the end. You are my family." Eren feels the kiss on his forehead.
"Okay." Eren whispers back and before one of them could continue their whispered conversation Moonlight choses this moment to find her place on the bed. After Eren had returned to the castle she had taken it very personally when she isn't allowed in the room with Eren, training was an exception.
"I see my bed is a cat bed, again." Levi grumbles, he doesn't mind because Eren loves his cat but the hair … sometimes could change the sheets daily. Sadly, Erwin wouldn't allow it. Too much laundry.