Reckless Surrender :: Chapter Forty Six

Hope fumbled with a coffee lid on her to go cup at Java Cafe. The hot liquid spilled onto her hand, burning her in the process. She jerked her hand away by reflex, and accidentally spilled coffee down the front of her shirt.

"Dammit," Hope growled, a little more loudly than she intended. She threw the cup down, spilling more coffee on the floor. Her hands shook in frustration and embarrassment. She took a calming breath, refusing to look at all the eyes that were landing on her.

"Hope?"

She didn't want to hear her name. She inhaled lightly, trying to gain her bearings. When she opened her eyes she saw the face of her concerned cousin.

"Hey," Jennifer greeted softly, "Are you okay?"

Hope attempted a smile, "Hey. I'm fine."

"Rough morning?" Jennifer asked as she handed Hope a towel from the barista behind the counter, and attempted to help Hope clean up the mess she'd just made.

Hope exhaled, "More like… rough month…."

"Month?" Jennifer stared at her, "What is going on?"

Hope's hands still shook. She squeezed them in fists in an attempt to stop the movement.

"How about I get us a couple of herbal teas and we can sit down and talk about it?" Jennifer offered as she watched Hope's hands shake, "Sit down."

Hope bit her lip. She should go to work. That's where she was headed. That's where she was always headed. She resisted the impulse to drown herself in work and caffeine and took a seat. Jennifer joined her shortly after with two steaming cups of lavender honey tea. Hope inhaled the soothing aroma.

"So," Jennifer eyed her, "Spill."

"Bo wants to get married," Hope began without hesitation, "I told him I'm not ready. Now he's withholding sex. So, I work all the time and drown myself in caffeine."

Jennifer almost choked on her first sip of tea, "He's using sex as a weapon?"

Hope's left thumb mindlessly rubbed the spot where her wedding ring should be, "I guess you could say that."

"Hold on," Jennifer's eyebrows furrowed, "Why don't you want to marry him?"

"Why does everyone act so surprised by that?" Hope raised her voice defensively, "Look what happened the first time!"

Jennifer swallowed once, "Umm… you were married for 27 years and had three beautiful children."

"And then we ruined it by being stupid," Hope replied quickly, "It was over, just like that. For what? 27 years and three beautiful children didn't matter then….What will change it now?"

"Hope," Jennifer sighed, "You don't think you both learned from your mistakes?"

Hope shrugged, "Yes… I do…"

"Then what?" Jennifer questioned, "You don't marry him because you're scared?"

Hope's eyes stung with tears, "The divorce was just so hard Jen."

Jennifer squeezed Hope's hand, "You can't not marry the man you love because you're scared it's going to end badly. If you're scared it's going to end badly, why are you with him at all?"

Hope pressed on the inside corners of her eyes to keep the tears in, "Because I love him."

"And..?" Jennifer questioned, waiting for more.

"It's harder to live without him," Hope whispered.

"Bo loves you Hope," Jennifer smiled, "A series of unfortunate events and miscommunications led to a tragic divorce. That's not going to happen this time."

"You don't know that," Hope argued. Her arms crossed defensively across her chest.

"Don't let it," Jennifer challenged, "Put the work in. You can't control the events that happen to you, but you can control how you communicate with your husband. Look what the two of you have been through since you've been back together."

Hope rolled her eyes. Jennifer was right. So was Bo. She ran a hand through her hair in frustration.

"You need to talk to him about it," Jennifer encouraged, "Quit telling him you're not ready and tell him why you're scared."

Hope nodded, "He knows I'm scared."

"Because he knows you better than anyone else," Jennifer smiled, "Let him make an honest woman out of you."

"He's so arrogant," Hope growled. Her mood changing, "He thinks I need all the sex. Well, I went way longer without it when we broke up in the first place. Two can play this game. I'll win."

Jennifer almost laughed, "Will you?"

Hope's jaw dropped, "Of course I will."

"You don't look like you're holding out too well," Jennifer giggled and bit her lip.

"Because every night I'm in the same bed as him. He walks around naked in the bedroom. He's teasing me. Constantly. The way he kisses me goodnight." Hope sank back in her chair exasperated, "A whole month of this stupidity."

"How does he do it?" Jennifer wondered out loud. She dunked her tea bag.

"He's been spending a lot of time at the gym," Hope almost smiled, "He acts like it's not bothering him, but I know better."

"He has a point though," Jennifer shrugged, "You're the one who's always saying the physical aspect of your relationship has never been the problem."

Hope glared at Jennifer. She hated it when her own words came back to haunt her. She contemplated the truth in her statement.

"You said you forgave him," Jennifer reminded.

"I did," Hope agreed, "I do."

"You love him," Jennifer reiterated.

"Of course I do," Hope replied.

"Then what's the problem?" Jennifer shrugged, "Marry the man. You're already living together. You share children. You two belong together."

"Is it that simple?" Hope questioned. Fear constantly nagged at her. She didn't want history to repeat itself. All she knew was that they couldn't continue their relationship this way, "I don't know what to do."

"Marry him," Jennifer encouraged, "Don't waste your second chance. Cherish your love together."

Hope's eyes flooded with guilt as she looked up at her cousin, "I'm sorry…."

Jennifer shrugged lightly, "Don't be… It sounds silly, but I think about all the times I pushed Jack away when I should have embraced every last second I had with him…" She swallowed once, "But that's not how life works. You never know when the one you love will leave you for good. You deserve to make the most of what you guys have for the rest of your lives."

Hope's eyes stung, "You're right."

She couldn't imagine Bo not being in her life. Jennifer squeezed her hand.

"We don't work apart," Hope whispered.

"You're allowed to take it slow," Jennifer replied, "With your recovery and the case, do you think you need more time?"

Hope bit her lip and shook her head, "Bo has proved himself time and time again." She sighed, "I'm just making excuses because I'm scared, but I know deep down that Bo is the man for me. He always has been. I can trust him implicitly."

Jennifer smiled brightly, "Then you know what to do."

Hope stared at her naked left ring finger and nodded, "I do…"