The trial began as soon as the main hall was restored.

Stannis Baratheon, flanked by his hand and his red priestess, stood at the side of the hall. His stature was ramrod straight, and his face was passive. He gave nothing away regarding how he felt about the trial—about her.

Meanwhile, Edd stood behind Caitie at the very back of the room. He had barely said two words, refusing to make eye contact as he helped her hobble down to the main hall. She tried not to let him know how much it hurt.

In front of Caitie sat Ser Alliser at the head of the main table. His demeanor stayed neutral, but there was a glint in his eye, which told Caitie exactly how much he was enjoying himself.

At his side was Janos Slynt and the First Steward, Bowen Marsh. Beside them, Othell Yarwyck, One-eyed Joe, and further out, Maester Aemon. He was the only one who smiled at her.

Caitie had barely left her quarters—or her bed, for that matter—since their conversation in the library. It seemed safer cooped up in her room, with Ghost guarding her door. That was what she told herself, anyway.

"I do not see why this trial is necessary," Maester Aemon said, calling her back to the present. "Lord Commander Mormont was very specific in his wishes—"

"Lord Commander Mormont isn't here," Thorne said. "I am acting commander. Under my command, treason will not go unpunished."

Treason, Caitie repeated in her mind, trying to keep her fury under control. Grenn was dead because Ser Alliser, in his arrogance and hatred, had refused to seal the tunnel. He had killed six brothers, and yet, he accused Caitie of treason.

"She's been a great help to the Watch," Yarwyck argued. "I don't relish the thought of a girl here, but if we can make an exception for that Wildling woman, we can make an exception for her. Send Caitie away, if you want. But a trial is for men of the Night's Watch—not women."

One-Eyed Joe scoffed. "Bah—you're being too soft. This girl was under my command. Unlike the Wildling whore, she lied to us all. A trial is the least we should do for her."

Caitie didn't look at him. One-eyed Joe had always been nice, if a bit cranky. They never spoke much outside of her stable duties, but she thought he'd respected her.

Obviously, his respect was reserved for those with dicks.

Instead of focusing on Joe, Caitie looked back to Thorne. The acting commander raised an eyebrow at her. It was a taunt. "Caitie."

She steadied herself and met his gaze.

"What's your name?"

She furrowed her brows. "You just said it."

"Your real name, girl," Janos Slynt snapped. His nose was scrunched up with disgust. Caitie only barely restrained herself from killing him with her bare hands.

"Caitie is my real name," she said.

In her peripheral vision, she saw Stannis's eyes narrow ever so slightly.

Slynt glared. "You lie—"

Thorne held up a hand to silence his second-in-command. Evidently, he had more important reasons to hate her beyond her name. "You are accused of disguising yourself as a man; of dishonoring the Night's Watch; of whoring your way into a brother's bed—"

"What?" Caitie interrupted before she could stop herself. Everything else she had expected. But… they couldn't know about Grenn—there was no way.

Thorne's smirk became more pronounced than ever before.

"I was Lord Commander of the city watch in King's Landing," Slynt said, sneering. "You think I wouldn't notice when Brother Grenn snuck into your quarters in the middle of the night?"

Caitie could feel Edd's eyes on her. It took all her willpower not to turn around and see his reaction.

"You defiled our halls—"

"Your halls?" she cut Slynt off as she raised her voice. She almost brought up how he'd hidden away in the larder while Grenn had sacrificed his life, but she didn't think it would help her situation.

"While you were in King's Landing," she said instead, "I was beyond the Wall fighting for the Watch."

It was the wrong thing to say.

"Silence," Thorne snapped.

"Do you have any evidence of this, Lord Janos?" asked Maester Aemon.

Slynt sneered at him, his jaw twitching. "You'd take the word of this woman over me?"

"I shall take that as a no."

"The brother who saw them died in battle, but he—"

"Lord Janos, unless said brother can rise from the dead and tell us what he saw, it is not evidence."

Caitie wasn't listening. Her mind was too busy racing. The night of the battle, Grenn had heard someone outside her door. She'd been too focused on following Sam into the library to realize that someone had been following her.

She should have known the whole time—Mole's Town. If Sam was right about Jon's popularity, then Slynt would look for any way to eliminate his allies. He'd probably started following Caitie more closely, trying to find proof she'd broken the rules. He had found out her identity, instead.

"It does not matter." He turned his sneer back towards Caitie. "I know the truth: you seduced Grenn, whored your way into his bed, and used your wiles to make him break his vows."

Caitie clenched her fists. She was a lady of the North, a descendant of the First Men, and a hero of the Night's Watch. She did not appreciate being called a whore—especially by Janos Slynt.

But Caitie kept quiet. She took deep breaths, trying to calm her temper. She had promised Sam she'd keep her temper under control, and she'd be damned if she broke it. At least not without a great deal of effort, first.

"You've dishonored the Night's Watch," said Ser Alliser. "Dishonored me and my brothers."

"I dishonored them by fighting with them—saving their lives?" she asked, spurred to defend herself. "They're my brothers, too."

"They are not your brothers. Do not speak of the Watch as if you are a part of it."

"But I am a part of it," Caitie said. She tried to keep her voice even, but it was difficult. Castle Black was her home—the Night's Watch was her family, and the men in front of her were trying to cast her out. She clenched her jaw and tensed her shoulders to keep her fury under control. "I've fought and bled for the Watch just as much as everyone else here."

Thorne scoffed. "Would a man of the Night's Watch disobey orders or seduce his way into his brother's bed?"

"I didn't seduce Grenn," she ground out.

"So he willingly broke his vows to lay with you?"

"No," she said. "That's not… nothing happened between us. We were friends, nothing more. He didn't even know my identity."

It hurt to say, but she would not allow Grenn to be remembered by the Night's Watch as dishonorable.

"And what of your other friends—Lord Snow and Sam the Slayer? Did they break their vows with you?"

"They didn't know about me, either," she lied. "No one knew before the battle."

"And why should I believe you?"

Something in her snapped, and Caitie exclaimed, "Because I've risked my life for the Watch more times than I can count—I've saved more lives than I can count!"

"You should never have been here to begin with, you treasonous bitch," snapped Slynt.

"Enough." All eyes in the room turned to Maester Aemon, even the king and his advisors. "Until the choosing, there will be no more deliberation. Only the lord commander may decide what to do with Caitie—"

"Her name is not Caitie," Slynt spat. "I don't know what your name is, girl, but Caitie is the name of a black brother—which you are not. I'll enjoy watching your head roll into the dirt when you are found guilty."

The image was vivid in her mind: Ser Alliser as Lord Commander, of black brothers escorting her to her death. But the worst was the idea of kneeling on the stump, with her hands behind her back, waiting for the sword to dislodge her head from her neck.

"Lord Janos," Maester Aemon warned. He nodded at her. "Go, Caitie, you're dismissed."

"Wait," said Thorne. He stared down at her with his cold, blue eyes. "I may not be able to give you justice until I'm Lord Commander, but I'm confining you to quarters. Try to leave, and I'll throw you in the dungeons with the Wildings until the choosing. Are we clear?"

"Fine," she muttered. She knew the threat—disobey and get tossed into a cell with Wildling men who would just love to fuck a Westerosi girl.

"Edd," Thorne said. "You were friends with this girl. What have you to say about her… dishonesty?"

Edd's answer was immediate. "She's a disgrace to the Night's Watch. She dishonored me and my brothers." His voice was laced with disgust.

"That's good to hear." He nodded at the door. "Go on, escort the lady to her quarters."

Everyone at the head table laughed, with the exception of Maester Aemon. Edd grabbed Caitie's arm and hauled her away, neither saying a word.

She eyed Edd warily, but he refused to look back at her. He promised he would never hate her. Apparently, she wasn't the only liar at Castle Black.

Would he still hate her, she wondered, if she and Grenn had been honest about their relationship? If he thought they'd broken Grenn's vows, then she didn't think so.

Edd led her down the hallway to her quarters, just gentle enough not to re-injure her still-healing ribs.

The moment they were both inside, he shut the door and turned to face her, frowning with worry. "You all right?" he asked.

Caitie's jaw dropped as she realized the truth. "You said all that on purpose. You made me think you hated me on purpose!"

"Oh, don't be dramatic," he said.

"Dramatic!" she exclaimed. "You said I disgraced the Watch!"

"Aye, I did. And you should be thanking me."

Caitie scowled at him. "Thanking you," she repeated, still scowling.

Edd rolled his eyes. "Long as Thorne thinks I'm on his side, he'll let me guard your door. I can let Sam and Jon see you. I can even sneak you some ale."

"Well, that's just lovely," she said, "but it doesn't change that I'm fucked—well and truly fucked."

"Aye, you are." Edd's face grew serious. "You and Grenn—was it true?"

Caitie bowed her head, holding off from speaking for as long as she could before she admitted the truth. "It was."

"He broke his vows?"

"No. He did not break his vows," she said, emphasizing every word. "There's nothing in the Black that prohibits sex."

"Hmph—tell that to Thorne."

"I don't care about him. He's set on executing me no matter what. But I do care about you. Do you think I should be executed and Grenn posthumously dishonored?"

"'Course I don't. Can't believe you'd think that." He sighed. "I always knew he was in love with you. Showed on his face every time he looked at you."

Caitie blinked, trying to prevent the tears in her eyes from falling. "I loved him, too," she whispered.

"Aye, I know. Showed on your face, too. I'm sorry you lost him."

She stared down at her wrists. "I wish he was here. He'd know exactly what to say about the trial, about lord commander, about my brothers—all of it."

"You still blaming them?"

"Shouldn't I?"

Edd rolled his eyes. "You were their little sister—they wanted to protect you. I'd have done the same for my brother."

"You would flat-out lie to him like mine did to me?"

"If I thought it'd keep him alive. You've got a little brother, too. You'd do whatever you could to keep him safe, right?"

Caitie would. But she wouldn't lie to him about something so important, either. It wasn't an "either-or" situation.

She had no desire to argue about her brothers' motives just then, so she searched for something to change the subject. "Have you ever thought about trying to find him—your brother?"

Edd shifted from foot to foot. "We didn't part on good terms; he wasn't happy when I took the black."

She furrowed her brows. "I don't think you ever told me why you decided to join the Night's Watch."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "If I tell you, you can't laugh."

Caitie didn't think she could ever laugh again. "I won't, I promise."

He thought for a moment before he spoke again. "I dunno if you ever met Yoren, but he's the one who recruited me."

She knit her brows together. "Was he the one who liked to tell jokes about throwing recruits off the top of the Wall?"

"So you did know him."

"He escorted me from Mole's Town to Castle Black."

"Ah yeah," Edd said. "Yoren always liked to pick up the new recruits when they came through Mole's Town. Said they could do with some jokes before they had to deal with Thorne."

"Well, he wasn't wrong," she said. "So, how did he recruit you?"

Edd grimaced, and Caitie realized he was embarrassed. It was a strange sight. But he still answered the question. "He told me women could never resist a man in uniform, conveniently leaving out the part about the vows."

Despite her promise, Caitie burst into giggles. She clamped her hand over her mouth, but it was too late.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!"

"I-I'm sorry," she wheezed. "But you bought that?"

He crossed his arms and grumbled. "I was young and stupid. Didn't know there were vows involved. Besides, my mother always said the Night's Watch was important. After she died, I figured it was the least I could do to honor her."

Caitie stopped laughing at the admission. "I'm sure she'd be proud of you."

Edd snorted. "Mother didn't get proud. She got annoyed, angry, or amused."

"So she was essentially you, but a woman."

He considered this. "Worse than me. She once chased me out of the keep with a frying pan 'cause I glued my brother's hair to the wall. Had to sleep out with the dogs for two days."

Caitie laughed at the image. "Didn't you say when she died, the whole bed shook?"

"You remembered that conversation?"

Of course she remembered the conversation—in fact, she remembered it too well, because she'd gotten herself into a jealous fit over Grenn.

The laughter was gone; the pain returned at the memory of him. He was so close to her, and yet, she couldn't touch him. She had watched his body burn. He could never return to her.

Thankfully, a knock on her door distracted her. Edd furrowed his brows and went to see who it was.

"How is she?" Sam asked. Caitie saw him crane his neck to see over Edd's shoulder.

She sighed. "I'm facing execution, Sam. I think you can guess."

Edd moved to the side, allowing Sam to rush into her quarters. Gilly followed him, Little Sam in her arms.

Sam sat down beside Caitie on the edge of her bed. "Are you all right? What happened?"

"I'm confined to my quarters until the choosing. If Ser Alliser wins…"

"Then she's fucked."

Gilly fixed her gaze on Edd, glaring. "She doesn't need to hear she's fucked, Edd."

"Well, it's true."

"I don't care if it's true. It's a horrible thing to say."

He rolled his eyes and muttered, "Sorry."

"It's all right. I said it first." She turned back to Sam. "But you really shouldn't be here right now. I told Ser Alliser no one knew who I was. If he thinks you did—"

"He could accuse Jon and I of breaking our vows."

"He already accused Grenn," Edd said.

Sam's face paled. "How did he—"

Caitie cut him off. "Because I was an idiot. He's had me followed for a while now. I think we can guess when it started."

Mole's Town. This all started because he suspected her of leaving Castle Black.

"Gods be good," Sam breathed. "So that's how he knew."

Gilly handed Little Sam to his namesake, so she could sit beside Caitie and take her hand. She raised her chin. "Well, he can't accuse me. I'm not leaving you to deal with this all by yourself. I'll do whatever you need me to."

Caitie sniffled, more grateful than ever to have Gilly around. "Thank you, Gilly," she said.

"Olly?" Sam asked suddenly. "What are you doing here?"

Caitie and Gilly both looked up. Sure enough, Olly stood in her doorway.

"Jon asked me to check and see if the trial was over."

It seemed Jon had anticipated how it might look if he barrelled into her quarters the way Sam had. To think at one point, Caitie thought him naïve. He could be scarily perceptive when he wanted.

Olly cleared his throat. "Are you… okay?"

Briefly, Caitie considered lying. She didn't want to burden a child with her problems. But it would be condescending to keep the truth from him, especially considering what he had gone through.

"No," she said, "not really."

"It's not fair. You killed tons of Wildlings. I saw you." Olly said this as if it were something of which to be proud.

Caitie wasn't sure she believed it, though. Killing Wildlings hadn't saved Grenn, Pyp, or the forty-eight others who died. If anything, it was what had gotten them killed.

As much as Caitie hated Mance Rayder—as much as she wanted to blame him for Grenn's death—the Night's Watch refusal to admit they had lost the war played a large part. Both sides were too proud to make peace with each other, and they'd all lost loved ones because of it. She had lost Grenn because of it.

It was a fight that should never have been fought, with a cost that wasn't worth it.

But she couldn't say any of this, so Caitie only forced a smile that she was sure didn't reach her eyes. "Go on and get Jon before Ser Alliser catches you here. If you want to be a brother of the Night's Watch, you'd best stay on his good side until the choosing."

Sam eyed Gilly. The two seemed to have a silent conversation in a matter of seconds.

"I'll go with you," she said when it was over.

Olly stiffened as Gilly came to stand beside him, but he didn't protest as he led her away.

"Edd, could we—" Sam started.

"Aye. I'll be outside."

Once Edd had gone, he turned to her. "How are you, truly?"

"I'm such an idiot, Sam."

"Oh, no," he said, "of course you're not. You're not perfect, but no one is perfect."

"There's a difference between being perfect and being plain stupid. I just happened to catch a lucky break. If Slynt's lackey had been able to testify, I don't think even Maester Aemon could have stopped Thorne and the others from executing me."

"Ser Alliser wasn't going to kill you," Sam said surely. "He couldn't without losing votes for the choosing."

"What do you mean?"

"If he tried to execute you, now that everyone knows the lord commander allowed you here, he would lose the support of those who followed Mormont."

Caitie considered this. "Then why have a trial, to begin with? Just to humiliate me?"

"No," Sam replied. "He can't allow you to roam the castle, either. He needs to show his followers he's trying to have you executed; otherwise, he'll lose their support, too. Really, he just wants you safely out of sight."

"What he wants is my head on the chopping block. And once he wins, he's going to get it." She rubbed her temples, trying to ward off her newfound headache. It didn't work. Her head pounded on.

"Please don't say things like that."

"Why not? It's true. I'm going to die. It's only a matter of when. I should have died during the battle with Grenn, but I didn't, so here we are."

"Oh, Kitty... I know it's hard," Sam said, "but you have to keep going—keep trying. It's what Grenn would want."

His words had the opposite effect from what he'd intended. Caitie gaped at him, her cheeks flushing as rage coursed through her. How dare Sam tell her what Grenn would want. He didn't know anything about what Grenn would have wanted.

Not that it mattered anyway. Grenn was dead. There was no point in wondering what he would want. How was it helpful to remind her of the fact?

Caitie almost said all this, but she managed to stop herself before she lost her temper at him. She didn't want to lash out at someone she cared about and who was only trying to help. She'd been there before, and she refused to be there again.

"I need a moment," she said, choking back the bile rising in her throat. "Please?"

"I… All right." He pushed himself up and walked towards the exit, but just before he got to the door, he stopped. "I wish I knew the right thing to say—to make it better."

Caitie's heart squeezed with a mixture of love and guilt for being upset with him. "I think the only thing that would make it better is seeing him again. But, Sam… thank you for trying."

"You're welcome."

As soon as he put his hand on the door handle, it turned. Jon popped his head into her quarters. Ghost maneuvered his way past his master to curl up in a ball at Caitie's feet.

"Well?" Jon asked.

Sam looked between them. "I'll… let you two talk."

As he left, Jon took his place on the bed beside her. "What happened?"

"I'm stuck in my quarters until the choosing," she said. "And as soon as he wins, Thorne is going to execute me. If Slynt gets his way, it'll be a beheading."

She felt clammy and light-headed at the thought; a mixture of rage and fear.

Slynt had hidden away in the larder while she had fought, but somehow, he got to judge her.

Ghost whined and laid his head on her feet. It helped, but only a little.

"I already knew about that," Jon said. "What did Sam say to upset you?"

"How did you—"

"I'm observant."

Caitie snorted, shaking her head. "Of course you are." She took a deep breath. "He told me that I have to keep going because it's what Grenn would want for me." The words spilled out before she could stop. "But he doesn't want anything. He's dead, and he's not coming back."

The ache in her chest was so sharp she could scarcely breathe.

"You don't think what he would have wanted matters?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm saying... I'm saying he isn't here to want things. I know what he wanted, but what he wanted died with him." She took a deep breath to quell her tears. "The 'would have' is irrelevant."

"I don't know what Ygritte would want for me," Jon admitted. "She'd probably want to kill me."

"She shot you with three arrows. I think it's safe to say she would."

Jon snorted before the atmosphere turned back into a melancholy silence. "I close my eyes, and I see her lying there in the courtyard," he said. "As long as she was alive, I could hope for… I don't know."

"A future you knew you could never have," Caitie said.

"Aye."

She allowed her eyes to wander her quarters. "Everywhere I look reminds me of him—of the things we did or the things we didn't get to do. I expect him to be there, and he's not." Tears fell before Caitie could stop them. "There's just this wave that washes over me again and again. It knocks me off my feet, and when I try to stand up or push it back..."

"It consumes you."

She nodded. Jon had put it perfectly. It was an all-consuming wave of sorrow, knocking down every other emotion in its path. She wasn't only grieving Grenn's loss. She was grieving the future she might have had with him. It made everything worse.

Caitie didn't want to let the sorrow consume her, but she didn't know how to keep it at bay. All she wanted was to go backward, but she couldn't. She could only move forward, where all that awaited her was pain and death. "It feels like it's going to drown me."

"Me too," Jon said. "I wish I knew how to stop it."

Caitie swallowed the lump in the back of her throat. "I do, too. I think it's just a matter of time. And a lot of ale," she added as an afterthought.

He snorted. "Ale's your answer to everything."

"That's because ale is the answer to everything," she said. "You just refuse to acknowledge the truth."

Jon didn't look convinced. "I remember when you couldn't bring yourself to drink the ale every night. You had to drink tea."

"Don't ever speak of that again." She pointed a finger at him. "Edd can never know. Never."

When Jon chuckled—a genuine one—for the first time since the battle and, after a period of glaring, Caitie joined in, laughing until her ribs ached, and she had to force herself to stop, she realized something; or perhaps she remembered it from the night after destroying Craster's Keep.

"It's not all sorrow," she said. "That's the answer."

"What?"

Caitie took a moment to collect her thoughts before she answered him. "I miss Grenn so much it physically hurts. I'm sad and scared and angry because the good people died and the bad people lived. They'll never have to deal with the consequences while I'll be dealing with the consequences for the rest of my life. I know you feel the same way."

Jon stared at her without saying a word, waiting for her to continue.

She took a deep breath. "But... we're not alone. We still have the memories of the people we love. We have a castle full of friends—Sam, and Gilly, and Edd—and each other. As long as we have some joy in our lives, grief can't consume us entirely. It'll get better."

"You believe that?" Jon asked.

"I think I do," she said. It was a surprise, even to herself. "I know it isn't going to just go away. It might never go away. But I'm going to survive it, somehow. We both will."

As soon as she said it, a new thought occurred—one she didn't share: she wasn't going to survive it.

She wasn't going to survive at all.

This chapter is brought to you courtesy of WandaVision, four different energy drinks, and a boatload of sleep deprivation. Seriously, I had a ton of writer's block trying to write this chapter. WandaVision helped. A lot. If you've seen the show, you can probably tell where it inspired me.