A/N: There is a single swear word in this chapter, just so you're aware :)

Chapter 47

Already, the house was becoming filled with cards and flowers and chocolates. All four adults had taken time off work to mourn and compose themselves so their co-workers- particularly from Ismere- were all sending their condolences.

After breakfast not long after Matt had left for the supermarket run, Arthur's phone rang.

"Hi, Morgana, everything ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just calling to check up on you all. How are you doing?"

"We're getting there," Arthur said, "It's hard."

"I was thinking of coming over to help out, what do you think?"

"Matt and Freya are organising the funeral tomorrow, we'll let you know when it is."

"I meant before that. Is it not difficult with the twins?"

"A little bit but we're coping."

"I'll come over, I don't mind. Stay nearby, take the girls off your hands if you need, come over to cook or clean or keep you company."

"I'll talk to Freya," Arthur promised, "Thank you for the offer."

"Of course. How's Merlin?"

"He seems a bit better today but I'm not sure how much he's hiding. He's definitely more reserved than usual, though. Isn't talking to anyone, really."

"Is he eating?"

"Yeah, yeah. He's not stupid, he's just in shock."

"Arthur, how did it happen?"

"I don't know. We brought her back from the waterfall and she seemed fine. Healthier than she has been in a long time, at least. And then Freya and Matthew went to take her back to the care home and Merlin and I stayed here with the twins. A few hours later, Matt was calling to tell me she was dead. Apparently he'd left the room to talk to one of the nurses and Freya had nipped to the bathroom. They'd left Hunith sitting in her chair by the window. But when they got back-" Arthur's voice failed.

"They don't know why?"

"No idea. I mean, it was bound to happen at some point but we all thought she'd at least make it to Christmas."

"And Merlin's happy to stay in Ireland?"

"I haven't talked to him about it yet. I just assumed he'd want to stay until the funeral."

"Ok, well keep us up to date."

"Are you at work?"

"We're on our way in."

"Give everyone our love."

"Of course. Let me know if you need anything."

"Will do, speak to you later, Morgs."

"Love you, bro."

Arthur had just put his phone down when Aithusa started yapping downstairs and Freya called for him with panic in her voice. Arthur sprinted down the stairs, miraculously not falling over or losing his balance at any point, and burst into the living room.

"What's happened?" he demanded.

"Panic attack," Freya said. She was sitting beside her brother with her arms around him. They were both crying but Merlin's entire body was shaking and he wasn't breathing properly.

"It's ok," Arthur sat on Merlin's other side and pulled him into his chest. "Could you get Aithusa out, please?" he asked Freya. As soon as she stood up, Killi jumped and took her place, resting his head on Merlin's lap.

Arthur took Merlin's hand, placed it on his own chest and put his hand over it. "Come on, Merls, match my breathing."

As soon as he thought Merlin would be up to it, Arthur guided him outside to sit down in the fresh morning air. It was cold, so Arthur wrapped Merlin up in a few coats and hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry," he gasped, "It's just the memories."

"I know," Arthur rocked him gently, "We don't have to stay here."

"No, I want to, for Freya."

"Ok. But if you change your mind, we can leave at a second's notice, alright? Don't torture yourself."

Merlin nodded, "It doesn't feel real."

"I know, gorgeous, it's awful."

"I want her back."

Arthur hugged him and kissed the top of his head.

"Don't ever leave me alone," Merlin begged.

"I won't."

For the next few days he was more then true to his word. They were scarcely even in different rooms. Arthur barely ever went more than a few metres away from Merlin and would rush over at the smallest of signals. Watery eyes, a small sniffle, a waver in his voice. Merlin lapped up Arthur's affection happily but pushed away anyone else's stubbornly. If Freya even tried to ask how he was, he'd cut her off and change the subject.

A few days before the funeral, Morgana and her family and Gwaine and his family arrived in Ireland. They were staying in a hotel nearby but stopped off at Freya's on the way to check on everyone.

Morgana, Leon, Belle, Luke and Benjamin arrived first. Apparently the baby had been amazingly well behaved for the journey. Gwaine, Percy and Eira were about forty minutes behind them having stopped at a service station in Ireland to get Eira some fresh air. She'd hadn't been a fan of the ferry and the last thing any of them wanted was a seizure or fit in the middle of a motorway so they'd stopped so she could calm herself down before continuing.

Freya and Matt were delighted to meet Benny and Morgana even sat with the twins so they could hold him.

"I thought it might cheer Merlin up to see him, is he here?"

"He's upstairs," Arthur said, "I'll take you up."

They left everyone else downstairs and headed up to the spare room. Arthur went in first to check Merlin was awake and happy with Morgana coming in. Then he called for his sister who entered quietly. Benny was asleep which they'd all found funny seeing as he'd been awake for most of the car journey. It would have been annoying if he hadn't been so well-behaved but because he didn't cause any trouble, it was easier to see the irony. Besides, lots of new faces, feelings and sounds might have been overwhelming for him. Morgana had explained he liked the car because it didn't tend to involve much change in surroundings.

"I've got a baby here who's missed cuddles from his uncle," Morgana said, "What do you think, squid?"

Merlin already had his arms out to take him. Morgana smiled and carefully passed Benjamin over to Merlin who cradled him happily.

"We found out he's at least partially sighted in one of his eyes," Morgana sat on the edge of the bed, beaming at the sight of Merlin with Benny, "And he has full hearing in one ear, too."

"He looks so happy," Merlin noted.

"We're not sure how he'll settle somewhere new," Morgana admitted, "He's used to home now, all the noises, the smells, the people there. We want to try and keep everything as normal as we can for him."

"When's everyone else arriving?" Arthur asked.

"A couple of days. They're just making sure the office will run smoothly without us."

Morgana didn't dare take Benny off Merlin until he was ready. It was obvious how much it had helped him to hold the baby and talk to him gently and Benjamin was in no distress so Morgana was happy to leave them until the doorbell rang, signalling Gwaine's arrival and disturbing the baby. Normally she'd have trusted Merlin enough to let him calm his nephew down but he looked disturbed by something so Morgana carefully took her son back.

"Are you coming down to see everyone?" she asked kindly.

"When everything's calmed down and they're not all so excited."

"I'll bring him down in a bit," Arthur promised, "Is Benny alright with the barking or do you want me to take the dogs out for a walk to shut them up?"

"He's used to Vilia just could you try to calm them down a bit? There are lots of people and lots of noises downstairs, he won't like it."

"Of course. I'll be back in two seconds, Merls."

"Where is Vilia?" Merlin asked before Morgana could leave.

"Dog-sitter. She wouldn't do well on a long car journey."

Merlin was getting himself dressed when Arthur returned to the room. "Do you want a hand?"

"I'll manage," Merlin said determinedly.

Arthur watched him change and then held out his crutches. "The kids have all settled and the dogs are shut in the kitchen. You want to come down?"

Merlin nodded, "I don't want Belle asking questions, though. I know she means nothing by it but-"

"Morgana will keep her distracted."

Gwaine was delighted to see Merlin despite him not feeling his best. For some reason he was feeling unsettled with lots of people in the room so Morgana let Merlin hold Benjamin after she'd fed him. That way he could focus exclusively on the baby and block out everything going on around him that might be overwhelming. Arthur sat with him and glanced over occasionally but he was taking part in the conversation which was weirdly cheerful.

"Merlin," Freya said to him quietly, "I'm going to make drinks, will you help me?"

Merlin nodded, passed Benny to Leon and stood up. He and Freya made his way through and put the kettle on, keeping the doors shut so the dogs had to stay in.

"I'm scared Freya," Merlin admitted, "I've only been to two funerals before. I didn't do anything at Uther's, I was only there for Arthur. And at Gaius' I didn't make a speech, I played the piano. What if I say something dumb or embarrassing?"

"You won't Merls."

"I'm not a public speaker."

"That's not true. We've all seen the video from America."

"That's different. It wasn't this important. This is for mum."

"She's hardly going to complain if she doesn't like it."

Merlin scowled at her and stroked Killi.

"Have you planned what you're going to say?" Freya asked.

"Not yet."

She sat down with him while they waited for the kettle to boil, "When I went to dad's funeral, barely anyone was there. Not even you. Mum was the only one to speak because Will and I barely knew anything about him. She was too upset, too in shock to make much of a good speech but it was still touching. At Will's funeral there were more people. Still not loads, still not you, but good few. And once again, the speeches were naff. We were heartbroken. It was probably impossible to understand what we'd even said because we were crying so much. I didn't go to Gaius' funeral but I'm going to guess nothing anyone said was too great there either.

"What I'm saying is it doesn't matter what you say. How many jokes you put in, how many times you tell everyone how great she was. None of that makes a difference to the fact you're there and you love her and she loved you. No one cares how deep and meaningful the words you say are. No one."

"I do. I wasn't here for her while she was going through the worst parts of her illness. I can't mess up her funeral."

"You don't have to say anything."

"Of course I do!"

The kettle flicked off and Freya stood up to sort everything out. Merlin suddenly had an idea and stood up too, "Do you need me?" he asked.

"No, I'm good. You ok?"

Merlin nodded and went next door, "Arthur, can I have your help?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine. Come with me though, please?"

"Of course." Arthur excused himself from his conversation with Leon and Matt. "What's happening?"

"I know what I want to do for mum's funeral."

"Yeah? And we need to sort it right now?"

Merlin shrugged, "I want you to tell me if it's a good idea or not."

He led Arthur upstairs then down the hall where there was a door which Merlin unlocked and opened.

"I thought this was a broom cupboard."

Merlin grinned. "Go up, I need to lock the door again."

"Up?"

"The ladder, Arthur."

Arthur peered in and, just like Merlin had said, there was the ladder. "Can you manage?" he checked with Merlin.

"Sure. When you get up, the light switch is on your left on the wall behind you."

"Ok."

Merlin watched Arthur go up, then shut and locked the door to the cupboard before taking a few deep breaths and following his husband. He hadn't been up since before he'd moved to England probably over fifteen years ago. Getting up the ladder was a huge arm workout for him. With only one leg, all the leverage had to come from the arms. Arthur helped him up into the room but he stayed facing the wall for a few seconds.

"Merls, what is this room?"

"It was Will's bedroom," Merlin said without turning around.

"But there are four rooms downstairs," Arthur said in confusion, "Why didn't he have one of those?"

"Freya's room was the biggest one. It basically had a cot and all the baby stuff in it for years from when they got it ready for me until Freya didn't need it. So while Freya was in that room, Will and I shared so there weren't three rooms for mum and dad to run between through the night when we needed. So of the four rooms downstairs, one was Freya's, one was mine and Will's, one was mum and dad's and the other one was a play room. Then when they started to think about letting Will have his own space, dad was going to convert the play room. Long story short, Freya threw a fit about the idea of all her toys being moved so we chose the attic instead. Will loved it."

"Why don't you turn around, gorgeous?"

"Because it's a lot. I haven't been up here for so long. And it has memories of everyone. Will used to live here, dad made it all for him and all of our old stuff is up here. Just give me a minute."

Arthur walked away from Merlin to look around while Merlin worked up the courage to turn. When he did, Arthur was sitting on the bed, looking at a photo. "You were so cute."

Merlin smiled and came over with tears in his eyes. "That was Will's birthday. Open the frame."

Arthur did and a multitude of photographs fell out. Merlin gathered them up and ordered them, "This is the day he was born when I first met him." The picture showed the two boys sitting in a garden with their father. Merlin was on Balinor's right knee, holding his baby brother. "Obviously it was dad's birthday too. Mum had us recreating it every year." He quickly flicked through three more pictures of the three boys sitting in the same positions in various gardens. "This is the first one with Freya. Apparently mum and dad argued for ages about whether she should be in it or not because it was a 'boy's thing'. Eventually they decided that they'd take two- one with and one without. Will chose the ones with her to have in his room."

He showed Arthur two more photos before hesitating, "This- the first without dad."

Arthur wrapped his arm around Merlin, "You can see how sad you are in your eyes," he noted.

Merlin nodded and went through the remaining thirteen photos, "This is the last one. I left for England. We missed his nineteenth but we were going to do another one on his twentieth because dad would be back. But obviously-"

"Why are they all in the same frame?"

"Will would keep them on a rotation. Change it to the next one once a week."

"It's cute."

"Yeah," Merlin put all the photos back.

"So why did we come up here?"

Merlin stood up and crossed the attic to a series of boxes. "In these are every piece of artwork, every letter, every card, every drawing we ever did for mum and dad as kids. I thought I could find some of Will's and read them out at mum's funeral."

Arthur smiled, "That's a really nice idea, Merls."

"Except, there are probably hundreds of pieces of paper here to go through. They're kind of ordered. Mine are right at the back, Will's somewhere in the middle and Freya's nearer the front. Could you help me choose?"

"Of course."

They had a wonderful time looking through everything. Most of the time they were laughing, but occasionally Merlin would get overly emotional and tear up over something.

"Could we look through some of your old stuff?" Arthur asked once they'd been through all of Will's boxes and selected a few things to use at the funeral.

"Tomorrow?" Merlin suggested, "We've been up here for a few hours already and there are guests downstairs. Also it's erm- it's hard."

"Of course we can do it tomorrow," Arthur said easily.

"There's so much stuff up here I can show you," Merlin offered, "Photos, diaries, old toys."

"Only if you're up to it."

"I like it," Merlin said.

"We'll come back up tomorrow, then."

Merlin smiled, "Could you take these down?" he held out the papers, "I need my hands."

"Of course."

"You know that skylight?" Merlin nodded to it as they stood and headed over to the ladder in the corner.

"Yeah."

"That's how Will used to sneak out. He'd move a box or a chair, open the window and climb out onto the roof then then lower himself down."

"So how did you know he'd gone?"

Merlin shrugged, "Instinct. Sometimes I'd hear him, other times I'd see him. The rest of the time I just knew. Had a feeling."

Arthur started descending the ladder and waited at the bottom to help Merlin. Then they re-joined everyone downstairs.

"Your tea's cold," Freya said, looking at the mugs on the coffee table, "Where were you?"

"Just upstairs," Merlin said, "I needed a time out." He sat beside Gwaine and Eira so he could talk to Eira about how she'd been and what she'd been up to.

"I need to take the dogs for a walk," Arthur announced after about half an hour, "Anyone want to come?"

"Eira, do you need some fresh air?" Gwaine asked her and she nodded in response.

"Belle, Luke?" Morgana stroked her children's hair.

"I'm tired," Luke said.

Morgana looked at Freya apologetically, "Is there anywhere he can have a nap?"

"Of course. These two need one too. Come on, you three." Freya picked up Rose, took Luke's hand and nodded to Briar to come as well.

"I'll help you," Morgana offered, lifting Briar onto her hip.

"Merls, are you coming?"

"No, I might copy the kids, I'm pooped."

"You haven't done anything."

"Hey, leave him alone, Pendragon," Gwaine slung his arm around Merlin's shoulders, "He's going through a horrible, emotionally exhausting time. The man needs his beauty rest."

"Shut up, Gwaine," Merlin laughed.

"So I try to stick up for my friends and still get bullied," Gwaine shook his head, "Insane. Come on, princess, you need some shoes."

So Gwaine, Percival, Eira, Leon, Belle, Arthur and Matt got ready to go out with Killi and Aithusa who were delighted at all the attention they were receiving.

Merlin sat on the sofa, cradling Benny while he slept soundly and they waited for Morgana and Freya to come back down.

When Morgana did return, she apologised to Merlin, "They'll have cot set up at the hotel but he likes to feel like someone's holding him all the time. Feels safer in someone's arms or in a smaller travel seat or something. Covered on three sides. All squidged up. There's nothing here to replicate that unless we take the seat out the car which is a faff."

"I don't mind," Merlin said genuinely, "I like having him."

"He likes you," Morgana sat beside him and tickled Benjamin's tummy. Merlin made to pass him over to her but she shook her head, "You keep him. He's calm."

Merlin couldn't hold back a smile.

"How've you been, squid?" Morgana asked, "I'm not fussing, I know you don't like people asking all the time. I'm just asking."

"It's ok," Merlin assured her, "Arthur's probably told you I've struggled. Everywhere I look in this house there are about a hundred memories with her. She was such a constant, for every tiny thing I ever needed. She was there in a flash. For her to just vanish like that, especially on that day- it was awful. I think I want to go home though, after the funeral. I can't be here any longer."

"You do what you need, ok? There are no rights or wrongs through things like this. Everyone's here to support you."

Merlin nodded tearfully, "I knew it was going to happen but-" he broke off and tried to hold back tears.

Morgana hugged him, "Every single one of us wakes up every day and we see your book on our bedside table or your photograph on our wall or your picture on our phone lock screen, we feel lucky to know you. Genuinely, to be able to speak to you every is like a blessing."

"What's boosting my ego got to do with my mother's death?" Merlin asked.

"Because you've been through shit Merlin. I know you know, I know I don't need to tell you. But before the fire at Camelot we all already loved you. And now after everything, for you to still be as kind and caring and amazing as you were before is so-"

"Don't you dare say inspirational."

Morgana laughed but then became serious again, "You've never done a single bad thing in your life. Not once. Arthur barks on about everyone being allowed a mistake or whatever but you've never done anything to make any of us even slightly dislike you. Freya's known you all of her life, Lancelot's known you most of his. You spend every second of every day with Arthur. You've never even said a bad word or complained behind someone's back. You never have anything bad to say."

"I'll ask again, what does this have to do with the fact my mum died?"

Morgana smiled, "There's not a person I know who wouldn't take every problem you have off your shoulders to make you feel better. You've lost so much and all we want is for it to get better but it just drags on and on constantly. What we love so much is that no matter what happens to you or how long it takes, you never let any crappy experience change who you really are. You're upset by the tiniest of things happening to the people you love and you still try to help everyone through it. You never go 'Oh, she cut her leg? That's happened to me loads'. You care. About everything and everyone."

"Actually," Merlin cut in with a little smile, "I don't have a leg to get cut so-"

Morgana hit the back of his head a little, "I'd do that harder but you're holding my son," she threatened.

Merlin smiled.

"Anyway, what I was saying. You're allowed to be upset by this, no matter whether we were expecting it or not. It's a good thing, squid. We all love you for it."

"Thank you."