"God, yes, I'm close," Sara screamed with eyes tightly shut and knuckles turning blue while her fist clutched the mattress as tightly as her power could yield. Sweat coated her brow and trailed down her temples on both sides. Her lower lip was turning purple due to previous kisses and over-biting. Her breaths were loud and exhausted. Her chest heaved. Her back was arched and her legs were widely spread with her wife's left hand pushing the left leg apart while her tongue and right hand worked on what's between the meaty thighs.

"You've been saying that for the past two hours," Tegan said with audible breaths. She and her wife exchanged a quick glance at one another. Tegan's brown locks were damp and disheveled and her face was red with heat and her wife's thick juices. "I'm getting really tired."

"No, no, I'm really close." For fear Tegan might pull away, Sara's grip left the sheets and took a hold of her wife's hair, pushing her down on her cunt as she squealed lightly. "Right there, keep doing that."

It really had been two hours. Tegan was not even exaggerating. Tegan's orgasm needed less than eight minutes to be met but Sara's was just not happening and both of them didn't understand why. Tegan had switched from fingers to tongue to strap-on (which was bad and needed too much lube every few minutes), back to fingers and tongue and Sara was still trying.

Sara's loud moans and heavy breaths gave Tegan the false alarm every few minutes. Whenever she thought she was about to get her orgasm over with, Sara lasted longer and longer. It was just tiring and she hadn't even been in the mood to do that lately but she forced herself to do it. She didn't mind when Sara did it to her, but it was too much work doing it to her. Selfish, maybe, but her body hadn't been the same since birth and she tried to understand why but couldn't. She couldn't even tell Sara, too.

It's not like Sara couldn't guess it. Sara tried to seduce her with clothes, with words, and with actions, but the only person Tegan was attracted to was herself. She was only attracted to Sara when Sara was fucking her. Sara's body made the whole thing quicker. She could just stare and admire as she was getting fucked…but doing it to someone? No, it was becoming a chore. She was selfish but she was also tired.

Maybe because the babies made her tired. Maybe they took all her time. Or maybe Sara just lasted for too long and wanted too much sex and wanted it proper and nice like the days before they had kids and Tegan had neither time nor energy for that.

But she had to force herself. Sara was her wife and she deserved sex, too.

Also, Sara took it too personally when she couldn't cum easily. She would sulk and, sometimes, cry after it. She didn't want Sara to think she was the issue.

"Can you…" Sara took a deep breath…"Can you come up and kiss me while doing that with your hand?"

Tegan departed from her thoughts and nodded with a sigh. They both didn't smell so nice but that was the last thing on her mind. Sara's body was warm and red. She began kissing her slowly while she pushed but Sara's moans disturbed the kisses. She decided to kiss her body instead. It was such a beautiful body that she truly loved but couldn't feel it within her to show it that love. She kissed the jaw, the neck, her upper chest. She descended down to her breasts and planted soft kisses maintaining eye contact with the slits above. She rolled her tongue against a hard nipple and immediately felt the clench around her two fingers. Finally.

"Yesss," screamed Sara so loudly. "Just do that…keep doing…" She didn't even have to finish. Her orgasm was finally happening. It was strong, too. Her legs shook and her juices gushed out of her making her wife finally smile as she pulled away from the sticky body and sat up, waiting for the high to vanish so that she could pull out.

"Finally," said Tegan and wiped her two damp fingers on the sheets below Sara's spread legs. Sara's eyes were still closed and her breaths were loud. "Was it at least good?" Despite knowing, she still asked.

"Yeah, yeah," Sara nodded with a slight smile. "I'm sorry I took too long." Sadness was transparent in her voice. Tegan felt guilty for making her feel bad.

"No, it's fine. I mean I came too quickly." She gathered her hair in her hand and yawned. "We should wash up."

"At least it was better than last time." Last time was three days before. Tegan came in less than two minutes. Sara was shocked and she felt embarrassed but she didn't care. She was horny. "Oh, my God," moaned Sara.

Pulled away from her thoughts, Tegan watched as her wife attempted closing her legs. She squinted in pain and her brow was furrowed. "Are you okay?"

"I can't close them, Oh, my God, Tegan." Her moaning sounds were those of pain. Tegan tried to help her but Sara screeched. "I think I pulled a muscle. My left hip." Tears ran down her eyes slowly. She puffed and breathed and it reminded Tegan of herself when she was in labor.

"Okay, wait. Let me help you sit up. You've been in this position for two hours; of course you're in pain." She pulled her legs down despite Sara's agonizing scream of pain. "I'm so sorry," she whispered while pulling her up. Sara clutched her arm as tightly as she had been the sheets beneath her. Tegan groaned at the hurtful grip but mouthed another apology and kissed her wife's temple. "It's fine, granny, you're getting old."

"Shut up," Sara said with tears running down her face. "I'm really hurt."

"Oh, shit." Tegan bit her lower lip and got out of the bed. "I'll help you to the bathroom. You're a mess."

"Please, I just wanna lie down." Sara was crying pathetically. Her wife wanted to laugh so hard at her runny nose and mess of a face.

"Hot water will help. You probably pulled a muscle." Sara nodded as her wife put her arm around her and slowly pulled her up.

"Oh, God, no, my hip." Sara moaned and cried again.

"It's fine. Move 'em legs. Just move them."

"I'm moving," Sara cried loudly. "I fucking hate this body."

"Shhh." Tegan rubbed her arm softly and got her inside the bathroom. "Okay, let me help you sit so that I can get the water to be warm."

"I have to pee," Sara said through tears.

"Okay, sit down." When Sara looked hesitant, Tegan sighed and helped her down on the toilet. "Pee."

"Don't stare." Tegan grinned and turned around, messing with the showerhead.

"Why can't we just have nice sex and chill after it ever?" Sara said irritably.

You call what happened nice? She shook her head to herself. "We had nice sex and chilled after three days ago. That was nice." It was horrible. Her vibrator time was much better than that boring shit. "I'll change the sheets. Be right back." She walked out leaving the door ajar.

"When Scarlet shat on the bed afterward because her diaper was too big? Yeah, very nice." Tegan guffawed from outside as she changed the sheets.

"Told you not to get them a bigger size. They seem bigger but it's just cheeks and thighs. Their asses are the same size."

"But the current size keeps giving them a rash." Tegan sighed. "Okay, come help me."

"Here," Tegan entered again after a minute.

She put one hand beneath Sara's armpit and the other around her waist. "Stop staring at my tits," Sara said insecurely. She always felt ugly when Tegan stared at her or at any body part she owned for too long.

"I was not," Tegan said with a grin. She stared only a little bit but Sara had noticed. "I was admiring their beauty."

"Fuck me, Jesus, this isn't right." Sara hissed at the pain when Tegan pulled her up.

"Get the lord's name out of your mouth when you curse like that, please," Tegan teased. It made Sara laugh through tears. They both knew Tegan was imitating Evelyn's words to her daughter. Sometimes her prudishness and innocence were missed around the house. They loved poking fun of her in secret. Or when she got too excited talking about her girlfriend and suddenly started talking about sex like a teenager. Sara would make her stop immediately but it was endearing to see her so happy and proud. Sometimes Tegan wished she was near because Scarlet loved her so much. Rose still barely knew her because she was barely conscious of her surroundings after the surgery. Evelyn did stay till mid January and then left right after but Rose still barely knew her. And Scarlet now also forgot about her. It's been a month after all.

Sara relaxed under the hot water but she was still moaning a little bit. She took deep breaths with each attempt of movement and Tegan continued rubbing her thighs. "Let me wash you like you wash me. Let me take care of you." A sense of satisfaction met Tegan's guts at the thought. She didn't understand why. She felt in control and she loved it. She grabbed Sara's loofah and lathered it with Sara's coconut body wash.

"You're enjoying this," Sara remarked calmly after a little bit of rubbing from her wife. "Washing me like I'm Rose or Scarlet."

Tegan could only laugh and nod. "It's making you relax at least."

"Yeah, it's helping a lot." Sara took a deep breath and lifted her wife's face. She kissed her quickly and Tegan giggled then returned to the scrubbing. "Maybe shampoo now? You don't want it to get cold on us."

"Okay."

The hot water helped, but the moment her wife lifted her feet and put them on the mattress, a loud cry of pain came out of Sara's mouth. Her tears rushed back to her immediately and Tegan hissed with apologies.

"What does hurt exactly?"

"My left hip," Sara said through sobs. "I pulled a muscle…it used to happen a lot after the miscarriage…I mean after I gave birth. I think because I had put too much pressure on…"

"Okay, okay, don't continue." It was agonizing watching her struggle with her memories and physical pain. "I'll get you my heating pad, okay?" Sara nodded quickly. They were both in their towels and Sara's feet felt like ice cubes while she shivered in the cold even though the room was warm enough.

It didn't take Tegan long to bring the warm heating pad to her wife. Sara hugged it before putting it against the pained area. "You're cold?"

"Yeah, a little." Sara sniffled. She tried sitting up and winced with the movement.

"It's fine, I'll help you with your clothes." Tegan's hair was super wet. She didn't want her to catch a cold.

"Just get me a t-shirt. Nothing else."

"No panties?" Tegan wondered while holding her wife's bright blue thong.

"No," Sara whispered. "I can't move."

"Shit." Tegan walked over to the mattress and handed Sara her favorite large white t-shirt. "I'll get you your robe, too."

"Thank you. Get dressed please; it's cold."

Tegan disappeared in the bathroom. She did feel cold. She began blow-drying her hair, hoping her body would get some of that warmth. She moisturized and put some deodorant then walked back to the room. Sara was staring at the monitor on her bedside table. "They woke up?"

"Scar's awake," Sara said. Tegan walked into the closet to get dressed. "But I'm not sure what she's doing."

"What is she doing?" Tegan asked while pulling her black underwear up.

"I think she's trying to stand?"

"Shit, no." She pulled her sportsbra down and walked up to the nightstand in a hurry. Scarlet was on her knees on the mattress, hands clutching the bars. "What if she falls?"

They both squinted at the screen as they heard their baby mumble and squeal the loudest she could. "Now Rose is up," Sara remarked, watching her other child move on the mattress.

"She was waking her up, wasn't she?" Tegan sighed and walked back to the closet to fetch her pajamas. "Should we start putting them in separate rooms?" Tegan hated it when Rose's sleep was interrupted because it had been hard getting her to sleep lately. She faced a couple of issues with sleeping and eating after the surgery. Digesting solids was hard which made her rely heavily on her mother's milk. It also made Scarlet call for it and demand it. Tegan was more exhausted than ever. Rose's sleep was always bothered and uncomfortable that Tegan spent the nights crying post surgery. She just wanted her to be okay again. Movement was so light but whenever she saw her sister move about the room, she was encouraged to follow, which doctors applauded and recommended.

But, God, when they both woke up it meant too much work because they would be hungry and Tegan knew they were probably hungry because their last meal was more than four hours before.

"She sat up," Sara said. "You shout get to them."

"Yeah." Tegan left and Sara watched as her wife entered the nursery. The babies squealed and screamed. Scarlet stood up immediately. It made the mother watching gasp and the one in the room run to her right away. Tegan picked the older twin and looked up towards the camera. She sighed and shook her head, knowing her wife was watching. Sara laughed a little. She walked up to the other crib and picked the younger twin. Sara didn't like it when Tegan did that. The babies weren't so small. Scarlet, specifically, wasn't small at all.

"Did you see that?" Tegan said the moment she entered with both girls in her arms.

"It scared the shit out of me. Thought she was gonna jump out of the crib." Tegan let go of Scarlet, who immediately sat up next to her resting mother, then sat down putting Rose on her lap.

"She was so quick." Tegan was examining Rose as she usually did whenever the baby woke up. Scarlet wanted that attention, too. She continued staring at her mother while whining slightly. "Come here. Let me see your diaper. I couldn't even check it." She put Rose down on the mattress and picked up her sister. Scarlet squealed in joy as her mother made sure her diaper was clean. "All good." She kissed her a few times like she'd done her sister moments before then put her down. Sara observed silently.

Scarlet crawled towards her sister and the mothers watched attentively. Usually they were careful because the older twin always tried to get her sister to interact by bothering her. When Tegan changed for Rose in front of Scarlet after the surgery, the latter screeched in tears and wails. At first Tegan didn't understand it until Evelyn pointed it out after a few times the same reaction had been met. They never thought Scarlet could be so sensitive and nice towards her sister. How would a baby understand what those stitches were?! But Scarlet was the nicest baby.

The babies mumbled a few words to one another until Rose began to cry. Tegan knew it was a cry for food. Scarlet looked at her mother with her big eyes when Rose cried and her face grew red.

"Yes, I'll get her, Soosie." Tegan picked up the younger twin while the older one watched. A cry of need escaped her mouth when she saw her mother's breast and her sister nursing. She moved her fists as she moaned for attention.

"Come here, Scar," Sara announced. "Come to mama. Come to me." Sara called softly, patting her tummy because Scarlet loved sitting on it while playing with Sara's face.

"Yes, go to the Sara mommy. I'll feed you next, baby. We gotta learn sharing."

"The Sara mommy," Sara tittered as she picked up her kid and made her sit on top of her stomach with both legs on each side. "Hey there, my little pumpkin," Sara spoke in her baby voice. Scarlet commenced her attack on her mother's face right away. Her tongue escaped her lips as both hands squeezed and pinched. The cunning giggles escaped while Sara squirmed. Her left hip was on fire and her cheeks were being destroyed. Against her will, her tears ran past her tired lids. It had been such a long day. She had taught five classes and sat through two meetings. When she got back home, she heated up the dinner and ate with her wife. Then the terrible sex took most of the time. She truly thought she would come and take a nap but her cursed body decided not only to ruin the intercourse but also her plans for rest. Then her kids woke up and now her face was being played with.

"Hey, Soosie, leave mommy's face alone, baby." Tegan pushed both tiny hands away. "Sare?" Sara nodded through tears. Scarlet's full body fell on her mother and both arms wrapped around her. "Aww, she's such a sweet child."

Sara kissed the baby's head and laughed a little. "I'm sorry, Soosie, but the Sara mommy has an achy body today." Scarlet lifted up her head. Her big green eyes stared at her mother's matching ones. She lowered her face against her mother's cheek and attempted kissing her. Tegan gasped in delight. She gasped too loudly making Rose sit up. "Oh my…"

"She kissed you," Tegan screeched. "She kissed you."

"She loves me," Sara wept. "I thought she never loved me."

"Shut up. She just kissed you. She never even kissed me. She only cares about my boobs."

Eventually Sara fell asleep for a few minutes when Scarlet was taken away from her to be fed and Rose sat next to her on the mattress staring at the closed eyes. But Stacy's phone call woke her up right away despite Tegan picking up.

"Yeah," she heard her wife mumble as her mind swayed her between slumber and consciousness. "I don't know," Tegan said. "It just happened all of a sudden." Tegan sighed. "After it yeah…No, she can't move and she's been moaning in her sleep. I'm not sure she's aware of it."

The pain was too strong. She wasn't aware of the moaning but it seemed that she had been doing it with each tiny movement.

"It's fine. Just come over." Tegan sighed again. "Maybe she'll feel better."

She opened her eyes and rubbed them. She met her wife's and Tegan shrugged. Scarlet was still hooked onto her chest.

"Stacy?" Tegan nodded. "She knows about this issue."

"I know," Tegan said. "She told me it used to happen a lot when you put too much pressure on yourself."

"It's been a very hard day. I stood up for too long and I'm stressed out." Tegan nodded. "How long did I sleep?"

"Fifteen minutes." Sara picked up her other baby and put her on her stomach, too. Rose just stared without any movement. "She played with your hair the whole time you were asleep."

"Aww, I didn't feel it," Sara spoke in her baby voice again, eliciting a tiny giggle from the shy baby. "I wanna eat those cheeks."

"I'm glad they're growing. She seems so skinny next to her sister."

"Well, her sister is too big for a ten-month-old baby."

"That's mean," Tegan said gravely. "Don't say that about her."

Sara looked at her for a second then mouthed an apology.

"Don't be that type of mother, please."

"Okay," Sara said.

"Do you want me to stop feeding her? What do you want?"

"Nothing," Sara said with a sigh. "Can we not? The pain I'm in is killing me."

"No, I just wanna know what's up with you and your constant criticism about her weight."

"Nothing," Sara screamed. "It was a joke."

"It was no…" Tegan cut herself off upon hearing their friend's call from outside of the room. "Fuck you," she mumbled but her wife only rolled her eyes.

"Here you are," Stacy said. "What happened?"

Tegan's face was too red and angry to explain. She was swallowing her tears. Her heart drummed quickly inside her chest. Her grip was too tight on her daughter.

"Long story short, it took me two hours to orgasm and when I did and was about to relax and put my legs down, I realized I couldn't and I'd pulled a muscle." Stacy grabbed the baby on Sara's stomach and held her against her chest as she nodded.

"So same thing that used to happen with Jack." Sara nodded. Her lower lip was bitten. Her eyes were teary, too.

"When?" Tegan asked.

"After she gave birth," Stacy answered.

"Whenever we tried to have sex after, I'd get a muscle cramp and it would just ruin the whole thing." Tegan nodded. "But then it stopped."

"But it happened when we slept together, Sara. It always happened." Stacy couldn't comprehend Sara's warning looks.

"I'm sorry I thought you stopped sleeping together years before Jack?" Oh…she wasn't supposed to say that. She forgot. Fuck, what an idiot. "When was the last time you actually slept together?"

Sara just sighed and gave up. "It happened a few times after Jack."

"Weren't you married?" Tegan asked the other woman with a furrowed brow.

"Yeah," Stacy said. "I mean…on papers." She chuckled.

"When was the last time?" Tegan repeated the question, her tone angry and confused.

"When…" Sara couldn't continue.

"When I visited in 2013…a year before you guys…"

"You had Ella…" Tegan chuckled in disbelief. "You cheated on your…"

"I was technically separated and I was in love with her. I took what I could get. You'd do it, too. She wasn't with you and she needed someone beside her. Don't make a big deal out of it when you and Emy did the same. Grow up." Stacy hadn't ever scolded Tegan after that time in Sara's living room years before and, God, it felt the same.

"I didn't tell you because…I don't know…it wasn't even that good…"

"Yeah, it was the worst." Stacy laughed it off. "And you don't have to worry; I'd rather die than sleep with her now." She smirked at her best friend.

"Oh, thank you," Sara said sarcastically. "It seems that it's the case with everyone now." She smiled at her friend until it hit both Stacy and Tegan who she meant. Tegan looked at her for a second then left the room immediately.

"Was that necessary?" Stacy asked.

"Maybe it was." Sara shrugged. "She hates sleeping with me."

"And your nerves are killing you during it and the result is this?" Sara shrugged again. "You two are literally killing each other like that. I'm just going to give you a warning, Sara. If you don't act like a grown up in this relationship, it won't last."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Sara asked through freshly falling tears. "I'm tired of living like this. We're literally good one second and the next we're yelling at each other." She hiccupped and sniffled.

"You should go to therapy," Stacy said. "This is not good."

"No," Sara said. "I'm trying everything with her. Literally everything." Sara's tears were too heavy.

Stacy paused for awhile then finally spoke, "You were yelling at her when I came."

"I wasn't

"You were," Stacy said. "I heard it."

"You know, you should leave. I am too tired for the blame game."

"I'm your best friend and I can see something seriously wrong." Sara nodded and sniffled. "Your wife has depression. Please be careful."

"I suggested therapy to her and I am trying but she isn't," Sara said. "I can't do more than that."

"Do you guys like…sit and talk? Like a married couple?" Sara nodded. "Not yell at one another or joke or force yourselves to have sex when you two aren't into it, but actually talk. Just talk." Sara remained silent. "Just try to talk for once without yelling…you gave me that advice; I don't know why you don't follow it."

"She doesn't…" Sara hiccupped again. Stacy's brows were furrowed. "She doesn't love me the way I love her."

"Are you serious?"

Sara nodded. "She's not attracted to me like that…" Stacy laughed. "Please don't laugh."

"She wouldn't have gotten jealous about me sleeping with you before you dated her. She wouldn't have done all of this for you. Postpartum depression is a disaster, Sara. It literally ruins someone's whole life."

"It's been ten months. The girls are almost a year old." She took a look at Rose whose eyes were fixed on her mother's teary ones and her hands clutched Stacy's sweater.

Stacy sighed. "Sometimes it just takes too long." She lowered her head to kiss her friend's forehead. "How about you fall asleep and I'll talk to her?" Sara nodded. "After that you should talk. Please." She nodded again. Her daughter mumbled something and pointed at her. "Yeah, mummy's tired."

Tegan's eyes were widely opened as she sat on the navy couch in the living room. She stared at the ceiling above her with a frozen stature. Scarlet was playing on the floor and when Rose spotted her, she began to push herself down to get to her. The twins squealed at one another, demanding to be close. Tegan zoned out of her thoughts and stared at Stacy as she put the baby down on the floor and moved about in the spacious place.

"You fed them?" Tegan nodded. "Do you have pumped milk?" Tegan nodded again. "Good." She grabbed two bottles of beer from the mini fridge. She handed Tegan hers and sat down next to her.

"But Sara doesn't let…"

"Sara's asleep and since you've fed them and have milk for them, I think you should drink and relax." Tegan took the bottle and took a sip. "And Sara isn't your boss, Tegan. You're your own person."

"I know," she whispered.

"I'm sorry I kinda yelled in the room." Tegan chuckled. "Sara loves you, you know." She nodded. "Do you love her?"

"I know she thinks I don't love her as much as she loves me. She told me before. Is that what she told you?" Stacy nodded. "God." She sighed. "I'm just tired?" She bit her lower lip. "I don't know why I feel this way, but I can't seem to…I don't know. I don't have any energy to do anything. I'm always tired. I always feel like…it's pointless…" She took a deep breath so she wouldn't cry but a gasp left her lungs.

"Tegan, cry," Stacy said gently. "It's fine. Please do it. I promise I won't say anything to her. I want you to express it."

"You will say it. You're her best friend."

"Not this," Stacy said. "She won't ever understand it…and telling her that she doesn't will just…" Tegan nodded. "You know. She's sensitive about it. But it's not healthy that you're just…in your own world. You're locking these emotions up and we can all see you're suffering." And that made the water fountain erupt. Tegan's tears gushed out and weeping took over her whole body. "Tee…" She cried loudly and sobbed with soft gasps and a shaking body.

Her daughters noticed it and stared in utter shock. Scarlet began to crawl towards her and Rose followed.

Stacy's arms wrapped around her. "Let me give you a hug," she whispered and squeezed the small body tightly. "It's fine. Cry it all out. Cry."

Scarlet screamed and pushed herself up while using her mother's knees for leverage. Tegan pulled away noticing the baby standing while staring at her. "Look."

"She's worried about you." Tegan picked her up, kissed her cheek and then put her down. Rose was staring at them from her place on the floor.

"What is it that's bothering you?" Stacy asked when the kids began to crawl together once again. "You have to talk about it."

"I don't feel like I am myself. I feel…like my life isn't mine. I feel like…I'm lost…just…a shadow that lives day by day…nothing more. I wake up, I feed, I have the worst sex ever, I eat, I sleep."

"Routine?" Tegan nodded. "Have you talked to Sara about it?" She shook her head. "Why?"

"She…I don't know. She's always busy and, honestly, I don't blame her. She's trying to keep a roof over our heads and people at work are assholes."

"Yes, but she's your wife and she's worried, too."

"She hasn't asked," Tegan said.

"She told me she has suggested therapy." Silence. Tegan looked at the muted television for a minute then nodded. "Okay?"

"Therapy means they'll get me back on antidepressants. I'm feeding and I don't want to stop. Antidepressants make me feel like shit as well."

"It's just your…"

"My problem is that I feel useless." Stacy nodded. "Like I'm nothing. Like I'm no one. Like time doesn't exist."

"I mean…postpartum depression can really be the worst ever."

"I'm not sure it's postpartum, anymore." Stacy wrinkled her brows. "Maybe it's just me…something in me."

"My depression lasted four years, Tegan. Until I moved here I was suffering. It's just that when it happens on top of other issues in life it just drags on. It just…takes over your whole life when it's just not dealt with and the responsibility…God…" She sighed. "Nobody would understand it but a mother."

"I feel like a machine," Tegan said. "I love them but I don't love how they make me feel." She bit her lip to punish the almost falling tears. She felt like she shouldn't say this. "And then there's the sex," she said with a lowered voice. "It's so bad." She took a deep breath. "I just hate…"

"Look, the problem of the sex is that…she's not going to…you know…come quickly." Tegan chuckled. "And you need techniques. You need to get her to…you know…" The younger woman side-eyed her. "Look, I know her problem. It's been like that since ever. It's not something that's recent. When she's nervous, she doesn't come. It's who she is. Then she puts too much pressure and her body starts cramping…it's nothing new."

"And the migraines." Stacy nodded with a chuckle. "And the talking in her sleep and the anxiety attacks and I honestly just can't take all of this."

"Maybe you two should talk about it, about why she feels like that and you feel this way. It's not healthy to just…"

"I'm tired of talking," Tegan cut the friend off. "I just want…I don't know what I want but I'm just tired." Stacy sighed. "Even sex is shit now so I just don't want to bother anymore."

"I honestly don't know what to tell you, Tegan. I just want you to get what you want and to feel better because you're hurting yourself." Tegan shrugged. "I'll leave now, but I think you two should just talk when she's awake. Talk…not fight."

"Yeah, we'll see how that goes on her end," Tegan said sarcastically.

"She promised me she'll try so if she doesn't just tell me."

"Can you not tell her about the sex thing?"

"She already knows," Stacy said while wearing her parka. "Give her an Advil when she wakes up because these usually last a day or two until she can walk again."

Tegan lay down on the carpeted floor when Stacy left. She let her babies use her face and body as a toy as they roamed around her. She stared at the ceiling and began doing what she loved to do the most: imagining a different reality.

She closed her eyes and pictured herself in Sara's class in 2013. In the back. Nobody saw her. Nobody knew her. She eyed the professor as she went on and on and on about something Tegan didn't care much about at that time. Her sheer shirt hid ecstasies Tegan could only imagine. Her fit grey trousers hugged her thighs…so full…so inviting. When she smiled, her ears got red and when she moved, her fringe fanned her face. Her dark red jacket was falling down her shoulders with sleeves pulled up as she explained enthusiastically. Her neck looked delicious. Tegan fell in love with her. She was beautiful. She wanted to go back. When she winked at her, Tegan felt herself slipping down inside her seat. Her heart drummed and her lower abdomen cramped with excitement. She wanted her at that moment. She wanted her professor. She wanted that woman.

She had lost her.

Was it a kink?

Maybe Sara had changed.

She opened her eyes when she felt Scarlet's favorite toy mapping her face. Scarlet loved a yellow toy car so much. Whenever she saw her mothers lying down, she dragged the tires on their faces and giggled. Rose stared in bewilderment and put her hand out, mouthing inaudible sounds of her need to take the toy.

"Soosie, give your sis the car." Of course Scarlet couldn't understand that. "Don't you have one like it?" Rose's voice was getting louder. "You're not gonna fight over this, are you?" Tegan sighed and sat up. Scarlet cried as her dreams of making her mother a street were betrayed. "So dramatic. No wonder you're my children." Rose joined the cries and they both sat beside their mother crying the loudest they could while she blankly stared at the cartoon on the television.

They eventually calmed down. Remnants of hiccups followed from Rose merging with remnants of guilt from the tired mother. Minutes later she was called to the room. A loud cry made her rise up from her place on the floor and run to the room.

"What? What?" she exclaimed horrifically.

"I'm gonna pee…help me to the bathroom…my bladder," Sara said as she squeezed her eyes shut and groaned in pain. "I can't take it."

She held her hand and pulled her up. Sara was able to walk but she limped and cried whenever she stepped on her left foot. Tegan helped her sit on the toilet and crouched down in front of her. She pushed her hair off her face and wiped her tears. Their eyes conversed in silence. Sara's ears were red. Tegan's heart drummed.

"I'll get you underwear," Tegan whispered. She stood up to find her two girls on hands and knees at the entrance of the bathroom. "God, I forgot about you two." She laughed to herself as her two girls looked up. Sara tilted her head to the side to watch them. "They followed me."

She helped Sara back to the bedroom and put her kids there. Noticing they both smelled terrible, she picked up Rose first and took her to the nursery to change for her. When she returned, Scarlet was already climbing up on Sara's torso and kneading her face. "Her hobby is playing with your face."

"She's discovering." Rose was put down and Scarlet was taken away to get changed. A scream, of course, was the result of interrupting her facial navigation.

When Tegan returned, Scarlet had a pacifier in her mouth and Rose's body rested on her mother's torso. She gave Sara the other pacifier and left the room once again. Sara wished her wife would join her in bed. Maybe they would talk like Stacy had suggested. She wanted to talk.

Tegan came seconds after handing her an Advil and a glass of water. "Thank you," Sara said. Tegan nodded. She sat down on the mattress. Scarlet threw herself at her arms immediately. She put her down on her chest the way Rose was lying on her mother's body because she knew jealousy ran in the family and the two sisters always wanted to do the same things.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Not very good," Sara answered quickly. "Physically and emotionally."

"What do you mean emotionally?" Tegan asked.

"I feel like I am…not loved." Tegan chuckled. "Please listen to me."

"I'm listening," she said coldly.

"Do you feel anything towards me?" Another chuckle. "Please."

"You really shouldn't be concerned about my feelings, Sara. I love you and you know it. I just don't love the way you treat me sometimes…the way I feel when I'm with you."

"That I yell?"

"Not only yell…it's…the condescending way you treat me…as if I'm still one of your students." Tegan took a deep breath. "You didn't even treat me that way when I was your student. You smiled, you flirted, you blushed…I felt good when I was around you. Now I feel…stupid…immature…just simply empty."

"Wow." Sara nodded. "I make you feel all of that."

"I know it's…subconscious…you don't mean it." Sara nodded quickly. Few teardrops fell from her eyes. "But it hurts badly. I feel so inadequate sometimes."

"I am truly sorry," Sara said through tears. "The last thing I want is to make you feel this way."

"I should have told you…talked about it." Sara nodded again. "I know I haven't been the best…person to be around."

"No, no…" Sara sniffled. "You have postpartum and I am aware of it and I haven't been…"

"I don't want to go to therapy," Tegan cut her off. She knew where her wife was heading. She was aware what Stacy had told her. "Therapy is going to hurt me more now. Antidepressants are going to stop my milk and make me feel numb…maybe even hate the girls the way they made me hate everyone around me."

"Do you…" Sara huffed. Her irritation was directed towards herself.

"Do I?" Tegan questioned. She tried to get her finger away from Scarlet's mouth, as her daughter had spat the pacifier and took a hold of her finger with her mouth. The girls were teething and everything to them was a teether.

"Breastfeeding, Tegan. You like to do that?" Sara asked nervously.

"I know you think I'm turning into your mother but our babies are ten months old not five years old." She chuckled but it was that sarcastic annoyed one. "I want to feed as much as I can and Rose needs it."

"I know, I know." Sara huffed again and fanned herself. Those hot flashes were beginning to conquer her body. "I meant…it doesn't make you feel the way you feel?" Tegan shrugged. "It could be?"

"It might," Tegan admitted. "Sometimes…yes…it does..." Rose was dozing off so Tegan snapped her finger in front of her. If she slept then, they wouldn't have a night's sleep. "Wake up, Rosie. Don't sleep. Sara, put her on the mattress. Make her sit up."

Sara obeyed and Tegan removed the pacifier. The baby cried immediately so Tegan put her sister next to her and began snapping her fingers at them. "Shhh…shhh…play. Come on…play." Sara continued watching without any movement…just silent observation. "Okay, back to the point…yes, it's exhausting and sometimes I hate myself because of it but they need it." Sara nodded. "I know you hate…"

"No, don't continue please," Sara cut her off with a sudden movement that made her moan in pain. "Fuck…God."

"Don't," whispered her partner.

"Look, I really don't care if you breastfeed or not. On the contrary, I do want the best for them…I am just concerned about your mental health because I know how nerve-wracking and time consuming it is. Also, it's your body. It's literally your body. I know I'd still be feeding them, too."

"Like you said, it's my body so I'll be the one deciding when I think it's right time to stop." Sara nodded. She couldn't say much. Maybe she had been so mean that her wife felt the need to answer so aggressively. "As for the sex…don't interrupt," Tegan said when Sara's mouth opened. Sara nodded. "I don't feel like I can have sex every time you want it."

"Okay," Sara said.

"Aren't you going to ask why?" Sara chuckled. "It really isn't you."

"It's me," Sara said. "I'm not a turn on…I know…I don't always…I mean I take forever to come and…"

"I don't have it in me to have sex. I can't…I am tired. So tired." And that's why they needed therapy. Not just her, Sara concluded. Both of them.

"I understand and respect your decision." Tegan nodded. "If there's anything I can do about that…"

"I want you to give me time and be patient with me." Sara nodded.

A pause clouded the distance between them. Their kids were both playing with the few toys Tegan had previously put on the mattress. A hand touched Tegan's forearm and a soft caress made her close her eyes. "It took me years to be comfortable with sex again," Sara said. "Don't feel bad."

"Don't cheat," Tegan whispered timidly. Sara hadn't known it was that serious. Tegan's quest was a cry for help and she could feel it.

"I might use my fingers and a couple of toys but cheating?" Sara chuckled.

"You cheated on Jack with Stacy…" Sara laughed loudly. "I thought you never cheated."

"Jack and I were technically separated. I wanted to hurt him, too. He'd cheated on me dozens of times. He just didn't care so…"

"I'm sorry you had to go through such a traumatic experience."

"It paved the way to having you and them." They both looked at the preoccupied babies. Scarlet looked up and handed Sara the doll she had just broken on her own then made her way towards her sister's. "So I'm thankful," Sara whispered, eyeing the babies' interaction. She tsked at Scarlet. "Don't."

"Soosie, that's not yours." Scarlet screamed at her sister and when Rose looked up with her innocent eyes, Scarlet giggled. Rose giggled, too. They both fell down on the mattress giggling.

"That's…" Sara joined the laughter.

"These babies are on drugs, I swear."

They made up with a kiss. Tegan initiated it. She pecked her wife's lips and left the room. That was good, she thought. At least they talked. She didn't have it in her to talk more. She wanted to just sit with her thoughts or watch something.

Sara's stomach had been growling the whole time they were talking so she got her the chips she had been hiding from her and a can of beer. Sara's eyes opened widely in extreme joy but it wasn't only her eyes. Scarlet's identical ones also sparkled as she clapped her hands together. Tegan blinked and cursed under her breath at the fact her own biological kids looked like their adoptive mother more than her. Sara's family genes were too strong apparently. She had to search all the cousins in the family and they all looked the same…even Audrey who Sara had previously insisted looked nothing like them. She, in fact, looked like Sara's older sister just because she was taller.

Sara couldn't eat in peace because the babies wanted whatever she put in her mouth. Though she tried her best to give them some crumbs they wouldn't choke on, they just demanded more.

"We have chips addicts in this family," Tegan remarked as she cleaned the crumbs off the mattress after she finally put the two in bed. Sara's eyes were closed tightly because of the pain she felt. "Don't go to work tomorrow."

"Of course not," Sara said after a deep breath. "You think I'd let Jack see me this way? He'd know immediately and he'd imagine it…me during sex…" She stopped talking when she noticed Tegan's critical eyes on her. "What?"

"Why do you care what Jack thinks?"

"I just get embarrassed. He'll imagine me having sex with you…"

"You know, I'll throw these away and wash up and I have a couple of questions about Jack when I come back. Don't sleep."

How could she sleep? She felt the thrill of jealousy. How unhealthy but how she longed for it. Tegan being jealous of Jack or Stacy is everything she craved. It fed her the poisonous need she longed for. Tegan loved her. Tegan was possessive. She fucking loved the toxicity her relationship with Tegan birthed.

The lights were turned off, leaving the lamp next to Tegan's bed the only source of soft light in the dimmed bedroom. Tegan squeezed herself next to her wife's aching body and sighed loudly.

"Ask," Sara said with closed eyes. How was she so sleepy when she had spent the day asleep? "I'm listening."

"Do you think Jack still has feelings for you?" Sara laughed a little. "I'm serious."

"What do you think?" Her eyes opened and shifted towards her wife's focused ones.

"Yes," Tegan whispered. "Which is why he's single, I assume."

"Nah." The older woman tsked and smiled. "I'm just not his anymore so I'm more tempting to have."

Tegan opened her mouth to say something but cut herself off and hummed. She stared at Sara's fresh face and roaming eyes and inspected.

"Maybe he does have some feelings for me…or some longing for the past when we first met but Jack has a serious commitment issue." Tegan nodded. "He's single because he loves sleeping around and can't commit. I tried so hard with him but…"

"What about STDs or like…"

"No, he has his women. Like a few women he sleeps with."

"Ahh." Tegan smirked. "You know some of them." When Sara smiled, Tegan gasped. "Who?"

"He sleeps with some TA at uni."

"Fuck off." Her voice was loud and a giggle escaped. "How'd you know?"

"I can tell through the looks." Sara sighed. "He also sleeps with unhappy married mothers mostly. Or rich newly widowed bimbos." Tegan mouthed a wow and marveled at what Sara had just said. "He just usually has, like, five women around and then someone he loves or like would love to be with or is with but he's too attracted to different pussies to stick to…"

"Do you still have feelings for him, Sara?" Tegan interrupted…only because of the bitterness in Sara's words. Those wounds hadn't healed.

"I of course don't." Sara laughed. "I just feel…betrayed sometimes." She groaned a little when she shifted around. "Why couldn't he love me enough to stay when we promised that during vows? Was it my mental state? My inability to procreate? My body?" When her wife's hand touched hers and squeezed, Sara smiled. "At some point I believed he hated how my vagina looked."

"Sara," Tegan said in bewilderment but her shock was accompanied with laughter. "Who cares what a vagina looks? Vaginas are different and…"

"You do," Sara interjected. "You told me."

"I was stupid. I hadn't seen vaginas before."

"Was mine your first?" Sara asked with furrowed brows. "Like…real-life vagina."

"Yes…other than mine? Yes. Whose vagina would I have seen?"

"You're so cute." Sara's hand reached for a cheek to pinch it, making her wife giggle.

"Well, I saw mum's but…"

"Thank you, I'll stop you right here." Tegan laughed again and pecked the palm that was caressing her cheek. "You don't have to worry about Jack being around."

"I'm not worried. Just curious." Sara nodded. "I also wonder…" She hesitated and blushed but Sara couldn't see it at all. When Sara hummed, she continued, "If…if I happened to show up in your life and you were still married to him…would you have…like…fallen for me?" She bit her lower lip as her heart drummed.

Sara looked ahead as she contemplated the question. She hadn't ever thought of something like that but it was a question she should have pondered.

"Hard question?" Tegan answered eventually.

"I've never thought of it," Sara admitted. "I suppose I can answer this in different ways." Tegan hummed. "If I was in love with him still and he was with me and we had no issues, I don't think I might notice someone else. I would have admired you maybe…admired the beauty and all…but not fallen." Tegan nodded. "If I was still in love with him and he was cheating but we were still together, yes…I might have…fallen and eventually…cheated."

"You were still in love with him when we were together."

"When I met you…when I started to flirt…I was…yes. First time you stayed over a year before and I kissed your cheek, I realized…I realized I didn't love him any longer."

Tegan's face was on fire. She wanted to cry because Sara remembered such intricate details that her mind couldn't even recall. "I can't believe you remember this."

"I remember everything about you," Sara whispered. "You're my sunshine."

How do you love me so much when I bring you so much misery?

"And you're my protection."

"Protection?" Sara questioned.

Tegan laid her head on her wife's shoulder and hummed. "I feel safe when I'm in your arms…like I don't have to worry no matter how terrible my anxiety is."

"Aww, babe." Sara kissed her forehead, hearing a soft hum from her wife.

Rose woke up twice through the night which wasn't strange. Since the surgery, her sleep had been troubled. She would need changing and food through the night and sometimes she would stay awake despite her mother dozing off on the rocking chair. That was one of those nights.

Eventually, Tegan held her in the sling and snoozed in the chair while she stared at her mother and played with her face. Tegan woke up past dawn to find her asleep with her thumb in her mouth. She carried her to her crib and checked on Scarlet who was asleep on her stomach.

She walked back to her bedroom and found Sara in heavy sweat through her slumber. She woke her up to give her some water but Sara cried immediately at the pain.

"You're worrying me." Sara shook her head. "It hadn't ever happened to you when…I mean…"

"I hadn't had my legs widely open in the same position for more than two hours since birth."

They slept again and both woke up to Scarlet screeching at nine. Sara groaned and reached for her phone to inform the university she wasn't going. Tegan left the bed to begin her daily routine as a mother. Scarlet's cries had woken her sister up as well.

Tegan washed for them, changed their diapers and clothes then put them down on the floor of her bedroom so she could help her wife move to the bathroom.

Sara moved better than the night before. She just had to support her body lightly.

She helped her change to comfy sweats then took time for herself in the bathroom and changed her clothes before moving the two babies and her wife out to the living room. She put the twins in their chairs to prepare their morning meals. She knew Scarlet would scream for her tits but she was going to try her best to distract her because she felt sore and tired. She also prepared breakfast for her and Sara while the latter watched the babies upstairs. She knew Sara wouldn't be able to go down so she took the plates up with her and prepared some coffee while Sara talked on the phone.

"No, it's just a migraine," she said. "Don't worry about it. I'll be alright tomorrow. I just couldn't feel my head when I woke up and I thought I wouldn't be able to dri…Scarlet, no," She scolded when the oldest twin was trying to put her index finger in her sister's nose while her sister whined and cried.

"God, Scarlet, what the fuck," Tegan said, walking up to her to remove the hand. "You're disgusting with your facial inspection."

"She was trying to insert her finger in her sister's nose," Sara said to the person on the phone. "Babies are so weird. She spent ten minutes yesterday trying to get her hand inside my mouth." Sara laughed. "Oh, yeah, Ella used to do that."

Was it Stacy? Tegan furrowed her brows. But why would she lie and say it's a migraine?

"Yeah, I remember." Sara sighed. "Okay, yeah, you should go. My coffee's getting cold, too, so I need to…Yeah…Goodbye. See you tomorrow."

"Who was that?" Tegan asked the moment Sara left her phone and adjusted the heating pad around her hip.

"Jack."

"Of course," Tegan mouthed with a chuckle. Her face was grabbed with one hand…so quickly and suddenly she screamed. "What the…

"Come here, my little jealous angel." Sara tickled while her wife squirmed and laughed. She began kissing her cheek a number of times while Tegan laughed and laughed.

"Stop it," Tegan said through laughter and tears. The babies were watching with wide eyes and Rose smiled and laughed happily while Scarlet stretched her hand out with whiny objections. "Stoppppp," Tegan repeated. "My face's full of your spit." Sara stopped with one last kiss. Both of their faces were red but Tegan's cheek, especially, was bleeding with heat. "I thought you couldn't move, you liar. You just want attention." Sara's head went back as she cackled.

"I literally pulled your face up to me. I didn't even move." And, yes, she wanted attention.

They lazed around in the living room all day. Tegan did move a number of times but kept coming back to take a few breaks and join Sara's binging of old shows they both enjoyed. When Scarlet spilled the bowl of food on the floor with a loud malicious 'Uh ohhh' which she had learned from her mothers, Tegan had to use the hoover to clean the whole living room. She had to run the dishwasher and unload the dishes from the day before. She had to clean hers and Sara's bedroom and then the nursery. After, she followed one of Sara's easy grilled chicken recipes until she was able to rest one last time. The moment she sat, Scarlet began crying in her walker as she moved her hand in search for her favorite food.

"No, God," she said with a whisper.

"Give her to me," Sara said. "I'll calm her down."

"No, she wants the boobs. She didn't have them today." She gave up to her baby's needs. Handing Rose to her mother, she grabbed Scarlet to feed her while Sara played with Rose and let her play with her.

Before their nap at one, Tegan made them sing the alphabets with her.

They didn't sing it. They just hummed and clapped while she did. It was a mental exercise, she told Sara. She was trying to teach them how to speak because most babies said their first word at ten months old but her babies couldn't even say mommy or mama.

"They say uh oh very well," Sara said.

"That's a sound."

"But they understand when to use it."

"Of course they do." Tegan laughed. "Babies are not stupid, Sara." Sara hummed in admiration. Her wife was a better mother than she could ever be and it really didn't bother her but she hadn't ever expected it.

When they napped, Tegan felt the urge to touch herself only because she was used to do that every day at that time. She felt her clit calling for her. She squeezed her legs together and sat uncomfortably in front of the boring TV screen hearing mundane news she didn't care about. If she could just get that vibrator. God, why did Sara have to stay home? She could do it.

In the bathroom.

Alone.

She could tell Sara she needed to use the bathroom. She wouldn't even take long. God, but she wanted her porn and her time and her comfort zone. Sara would notice.

She stared at her silent wife and back again at the TV. In the middle of her sigh, the doorbell rang and the only person she could expect would be Stacy except that she was at work and when she called earlier, she didn't mention visiting.

She got up slowly and walked down the stairs to open the door.

A crying Stevie met her. Not crying. Weeping. Heavy tears and audible breaths and gasps. "Stevie?" she said loudly with a gasp. Her heart drummed.

"Don't tell mum I'm here. She doesn't know. Please, don't tell her." She wiped her eyes and cried more as Tegan pushed her inside.

"What happened?" she asked as she hurriedly grabbed a tissue to hand it to the crying teenager. "Are you okay?" Thousands of terrible scenarios danced in her head.

Stevie just shook her head and hiccupped. Tegan's brow was furrowed in confusion and fear.

"Did someone hurt you?" Stevie nodded. "Who?" Tegan asked loudly. "Is it…"

"Morgan," said the teenager with a hiccup.

"Who's Morgan?" Tegan was struggling to get an answer and Sara was calling from the floor above.

"The girl I…" She didn't continue and just cried. Thank God, it's not a boy. Because Tegan's mind travelled to distant places and imagined horrific scenes.

"Sara's here," Tegan pointed out. "Is it okay if we go up and you tell me what happened or do you not want her to know?"

"I don't care," Stevie said. "As long as mum doesn't know."

"Alright, come with me. Don't worry, honey. Everything will be fine." Tegan pitied the teenager. It was probably rejection from a crush. She didn't recall Stevie dating anyone. She did mention having a crush on someone. Maybe bullying? God, that age was the worst and she hated it. She remembered every detail of it.

Stevie hid behind her when she walked up and Sara greeted with furrowed brows.

"It's fine, Stevie. Sit down on the couch you want."

"What' going on?" Sara asked as she stared at the red-faced girls crying unstoppably.

"Some girl called Morgan hurt Stevie and she doesn't want us to tell her mum." She gave that look to her wife who understood her immediately and nodded.

"It's alright, Stevie," Sara said sweetly. "Sit down and talk to us." Stevie nodded and wiped her nose with the back of her hand again despite holding tissues in them. She took a seat next to Sara's seated form and her eyes met the heating pad on Sara's hip. "Excuse this. I fell on my hip yesterday." Tegan blushed from the end of the room when Sara said that.

"Here you go. Drink some water and calm down. I'm sure everything will be alright," Tegan said upon handing the teenager a water battle then squeezing herself next to her. "Is it okay if I sit beside you?" Stevie nodded quickly. Sara was watching. "Okay, wanna talk about it?"

"She…" Hiccupped the teenager.

"It's okay. Just take a deep breath and talk when you're ready," Sara encouraged. She took the water from her shaking hand and put it on the shelf beside her.

"We were in the talking stage," Stevie said. "Morgan and I." The wives nodded. She wasn't looking at any of them. She just looked down at her hand.

"Wh…what's a talking stage?" Sara asked. "I'm old."

"Sara?" Tegan gave her a look.

"We didn't even have a talking stage, how would I know?" Despite everything, Tegan wanted to laugh. They really just u-hauled immediately.

"It's…um…like we're dating but not officially. Like we both like each other and all but it's not yet official…I mean I haven't been official with anyone. Like I just went on dates with girls and we kissed…like normal kisses and that's it. But…umm…Morgan…" A tear fell from her eyes and her face turned very red. "She started to…like…to pressure me into…you know…getting close and I'm not ready."

"Huh?" Sara asked but Tegan's lips were parted in realization.

"Did she do anything to you?" Sara felt lost.

"No," said Stevie. "Well…"

"What happened?" Tegan asked, her face turning pale in color. Stevie shrugged. "Tell me, please." She felt like her mother when she had discovered her relationship with that much older girl. God, she didn't even remember her name.

"I am a bit lost," Sara said. "What happened?"

Stevie looked up at her and stared into her eyes. "She told me I'm not worth it because I'm not ready for the things she wants…and then she made fun of me on Instagram and all her friends laughed and liked the post and she keeps on shading me."

"So nothing happened," Tegan said with a relieved sigh.

"What things, Stevie? Sex?" Sara asked bluntly.

"Yes…sex things." Sara sighed. "It made me feel so uncomfortable but now I'm so sad and I miss her."

"No," Tegan exclaimed strongly. Both Stevie and Sara looked at her twisted brows. "Don't feel angry. She pressured you. This isn't supposed to happen. She shouldn't."

"Tee, calm down." Sara winked at her when the teenager wasn't looking. "Stevie, may I ask a few questions?" Stevie nodded. Her tears were still running and her eyes were bloody red. "Okay, if you don't want to answer, that's fine."

"It's fine."

"She's the same age?"

"She's a junior."

"Of course," Sara said and Tegan shook her head in disbelief.

"She really does like me…she's just very…honest?"

"What does that mean?" Tegan asked.

"Like…she kept asking me about really uncomfortable things."

"Like?" Sara asked. Stevie shrugged. She was too embarrassed to say them.

"I can…" Stevie sighed and pulled her phone out of her pocket. "I'll let you read the messages."

Sara took it apprehensively. She wasn't sure whether she should read such private messages or not. Tegan rushed to her side to read as well. They both gasped with widened eyes at the details they read. Tegan's heart accelerated and her face shifted colors to that of spring flowers in their garden.

"This is harassment," Sara said calmly. "She's harassing you." Stevie stared at her blankly. "She shouldn't text you like that. She shouldn't ask for these things." Stevie's crying returned as shame overclouded her. "No, honey, look at me. It's not your fault."

"But I love her."

"Shit," mumbled Tegan.

"Honey, are you sure?" Sara was softer, kinder. Stevie nodded. "She shouldn't ask these things. Love isn't about sex, Stevie."

"What is it about then?"

"You said you're not ready?" Tegan wondered loudly.

"And she's not and shouldn't be. You're too young for this unless you're ready and you are not." Stevie nodded. "I don't want you think lesbian love is just about sex and all lesbians are hypersexual like that. Maybe Morgan is…like that…maybe she feels that way towards you but, honestly, if she liked you so much she shouldn't do this and shouldn't post about it on Instagram when you called her out on it."

"She can't take rejection," Stevie justified. "And she knows I like her." Sara sighed. "I didn't tell her I love her, but I do. I just don't want her to ask me about these things. I feel uncomfortable and I have no experience and she probably knows because she kept asking me if I touch myself or not."

Tegan and Sara looked at each for a moment and then back at the teenager. "She shouldn't ask you when she knows you're uncomfortable. She shouldn't keep on insisting to teach you how women have sex when you didn't want to know."

"I do want to know but I was just scared." Dealing with kids was hard. Whenever they said something, Stevie said something that contradicted what she had previously said.

"You told her you didn't feel comfortable," Tegan pointed out. "That should have stopped her."

"Did that ever happen to you?" Tegan nodded. "Really?" Sara's face and neck both turned red as her heart drummed beneath her chest and her shame crawled up to her body.

"When I was sixteen," Tegan said. "Kind of the same thing." Sara's accelerated heart slowed down. Her breaths calmed. It wasn't her. Right…it was that other woman.

It wasn't like she was any better.

"How do lesbians have sex?" Stevie asked bluntly. "I know how… by fingers but I don't know anything else." Both women stared at each other again. They had talked about that before. How awkward it might be when their kids asked them if they ever did that and what they would tell them. But Stevie was old enough to know. She was fourteen and probably knew so why the question?

Then Tegan remembered how she barely knew anything at her age.

"Well…" Sara pursed her lips. "It's not much different than straight sex. You see…there's the oral part."

"Huh?"

Tegan's eyes widened in embarrassment at Stevie's utter confusion.

"You know…oral…like…"

"Oh…yeah…" Stevie blinked and looked down. "I guess I've heard about that…I just never watched porn."

"Don't," Tegan rushed to say. "Please don't. It's not nice." Stevie nodded. "Good."

"What about toys?" Now it was Sara's turn to have her eyes widened. "Some of my friends told me they use a lot of toys."

"I mean…everyone uses toys but I guess they're talking about umm…the fake penises and…" Stevie was nodding with red blotches on the side of her face while Sara stuttered. "If the couple wants to use that, they can get one. It's not necessary, however." Stevie nodded again. "Don't think about these things right now."

"How do I know I'm ready?" she asked and looked both women in the eyes. "When do I feel it?"

"You'll know, trust me," Tegan said with a sigh and a stealthy wink at her wife. The teenager saw it, but put her head down immediately. "You'll be able to know."

"No matter with whom, you'll know. It could be a lover or a friend…preferably someone you love and trust."

"Thank you," whispered Stevie. "I should probably head home. I texted mum I'm going to spend time with Scarlet and Rose so she wouldn't know."

"They're napping," Tegan said. "They took it a bit late today."

"Maybe wait a little bit till your eyes are dried out," Sara suggested. "Wash your face?"

"Yeah."

The moment Stevie left to the bathroom, Tegan stared at her wife with an amused smirk. "What?" Sara questioned.

"You're so good at this," the younger woman whispered. "Honestly, for a second I wished you were my mum when I was sixteen. Instead, I got yelled at and drama was all over the place."

"Well, your mum is dramatic," Sara said with a snicker.

"Shut up," Tegan said jokingly as she laughed.

Tegan continued thinking of the whole situation even when Stevie left. The text messages she read made her feel very uncomfortable and so scared. Maybe it was normal for teenagers to text like that but it wasn't for her. She wondered if Sara would have done that. Sara was already having sex with Stacy at fourteen so she shouldn't be surprised. She felt ill at ease the more she remembered. She texted the teenager and made sure she was alright.

When her kids woke up and demanded attention during their play time, she stared at both of them and wondered what she might do if somebody harassed them like that. How would they even know it was harassment? Stevie didn't. She just felt uncomfortable. What if her daughters didn't feel uncomfortable? What if one boy did that or even a girl…or someone older…way older…like Sara did to her. But she was nineteen. It was different. She wanted Sara. She seduced Sara. She pursued Sara.

It was different.

"Sara?" she questioned as her overwhelming thoughts flooded her brain. Sara hummed from her place on the couch. Her eyes were closed as she lay down, holding the heating pad closer to her pelvis than her hip. "What if someone manipulates our kids? Like harasses them like Stevie? Someone says these words to them."

Sara opened her eyes and looked at her wife for a second then at the two girls playing with their LEGO set. "Somebody will," she said. "It happens to almost every teenager. We just gotta warn them and talk to them. We gotta make them trust us." Tegan sighed. "It happened to you." She nodded. "Maybe not as young as Stevie and not as sexual, but that woman was harassing you."

"What about you?"

"Me?" Tegan nodded. "I was a nerd, really. I just slept with Stacy and the drama I had at home was enough. At 17 I lost my virginity to a guy and then I moved out at 18 and met Katina."

"So it didn't happen to you."

"My dad was abusive and my mum was crazy," Sara said. Tegan frowned. "Don't worry about it now."

Stacy visited after her shift was over. She held a box of donuts which Tegan squealed upon seeing. Her kids rejoiced, too. Either because she was happy or because they knew it was food.

"How are you two today?" She sat down next to Sara's lying form, forcing Sara to put her feet on the floor and sit up with a loud wince. "Still in pain?"

Tegan handed her a cup of coffee upon request and Sara looked at her wife with pleading eyes. "You had three."

"Migraine," Sara whispered.

"Ugh." Tegan rolled her eyes and walked to the coffee machine again.

"Your hip?"

"Better," Sara answered with a groan. She grabbed the mug from Tegan's hand. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Tegan sat down on the floor next to her kids again and handed both Stacy and Sara glazed donuts then grabbed a nutella one for her and her kids. Scarlet was going to jump on the box but Stacy snatched it away. Scarlet looked up at her with wide eyes and a frown.

"Hey, Soosie, look," Tegan called with a nibble in her hand. Scarlet was distracted and the upcoming storm of tears was halted. She opened her mouth and Tegan pushed the bite in it. Rose stared and opened her mouth, too. "Okay, here's your turn."

"They're not gonna let you eat," Sara said.

"They shouldn't have too much for that, though."

"I know." Tegan sighed.

"Don't give them so much chocolate but dough is fine," spoke the nurse. Tegan nodded. "How's your vagina?" Tegan's eyes widened and looked back at Stacy. Her wife's face was beet red. "Wait…I…"

"It's fine," Sara said, glaring at her friend.

"Is that why…" Tegan gasped. "Your limping and the heating pad and the wincing…was that your hip?"

"Yes," Sara exclaimed with a laugh. "I just felt some pain down there, too. I'm really fine now."

"I always say shit I shouldn't say," Stacy whispered to herself as she chewed and hummed. The couple looked at her and rolled their eyes simultaneously. "Anyway, Tegan, Emy wants you over tomorrow."

"She told me," Tegan said. "It depends on this one." She pointed at Sara. "If she can go to work or I have to babysit her again."

"Ha, ha…funny." Sara rolled her eyes but the two women laughed at her reaction. "I'll go to work," she said. "Go to Emy's."

"Stacy's." Stacy cleared her throat. When Sara furrowed her brow, she added, "It's technically my place."

"Whatever," Sara said.

"And we're having dinner together, you and I," suggested Stacy. I have a short day tomorrow so after you finish we're meeting up at the new Italian place behind the university.

"What about…" Tegan began.

"You and Emy will have dinner together, too," Stacy suggested. "I guess, maybe, we need this...alone days with our friends?" She raised one brow at Tegan and the younger woman nodded understandably. Stacy took it upon herself to straighten what she and her wife were slowly bending.

When Stacy left, the married couple didn't say much to each other. Tegan put the babies to bed then helped Sara with her nightly routine then got herself ready for bed.

"Does my face look bad?" Sara asked all of a sudden when Tegan turned off the lights.

"Huh?" She was checking her social media accounts when Sara asked that.

"My face…compared to when you first met me…it has changed."

"Well…yeah," Tegan said. "But you don't look bad."

"But I aged," Sara insisted. The sound of disappointment and sadness rang in her voice.

"I mean…to be honest, barely. When I compare you to Stacy or Dana, you seem way younger than them…especially when you look all neat and have makeup and all?"

"Oh so you love that." Tegan chuckled. "I looked at myself in the mirror when we were moisturizing and the difference my face has from yours is just..."

"Well, I'm fourteen years younger," Tegan said. "And I look ten years older with the state I'm in."

"What state?" Sara asked a bit too loudly. Tegan sighed. "Tell me," she whispered. "What do you feel?"

"Tired," she simply said. She yawned. "Go to sleep. We both have to wake up early."

…

"The shrimps are all ready and the crab salad is really good. All you have to do is heat the food." Emy nodded and immediately earned a kiss upon her brow while she was chewing her omelet. "I want you to talk to her. Not about what's going on…like talk…like old times."

"She doesn't even talk." Stacy sighed. "She just slouches and her head would be elsewhere while the babies wreak havoc around the place. That's what happened when I was at her place last week."

"I know." Stacy pouted as she puffed the smoke from her cigarette. "Okay, maybe do something fun? I don't know? Watch a movie?" Emy laughed.

"What's fun for me when we are together, Stace?" Stacy hummed as she contemplated her partner's question.

"Well…sex." Emy's eyes widened. "Not the type of fun I meant, Emily." Stacy guffawed. "We like to eat…"

"Each other out," Emy continued and Stacy shrieked with laughter.

"I don't know…what do we do?"

"We go out?" Stacy nodded. "We gossip about people and play some poker together."

"Oh, yeah." The nurse took a sip of her coffee before inhaling the smoke again. "Teach her that…maybe she and Sara could do something other than yelling at each other."

"She hates it. I tried." Emy sighed. "She likes to gossip a bit so I'll try with that."

"Hi, girl," Ella screamed from afar as she entered the room, stomping her tiny feet on the wooden boards with her hair swaying as she clutched her stuffed unicorn and walked towards the seated women.

"Hi, girl," her mother greeted happily and with a high pitch at her daughter's enthusiastic morning greeting. "Good morning, girl." She picked her up and put her on her lap, giving her the morning kisses while the child laughed and squealed. "How was your sleep?"

"Very good," Ella exclaimed with excitement. Emy was smiling at her reaction. "I dreamed that us…you mummy and Emy…umm…uh…Tegum and Sasa, Rosie and Soosie, all of us…we went to the beach…all of us."

"Ohh, that's nice," Stacy said and winked her partner who blushed slightly. "We should do that in the summer."

"Yes…and then we ate a lot of candy and had chocolate milk and then Soosie wasn't crying much…and she didn't take my food like she always does." Emy cackled while her partner laughed softly.

"That's such a nice dream, Ella," Emy said. "We all wish Soosie wouldn't eat our food."

"She always does it. She crawls up to my food and takes it even though she has Tegum's milk but she wants more."

"Soosie's naughty," Stacy said then kissed her daughter's cheek.

"Yes, that's why I will marry Rosie because she loves me and always smiles and gives me her food too even though it's yucky…but she also gives me her toys."

"Good job. How about you go to the bathroom so you wouldn't pee your pants and become naughty like Soosie?"

"Okay, girl," Ella shouted and hopped down, stomping her feet once again away from the kitchen.

…

When Tegan arrived at her friend's house, her daughters had already been crying since before. "They fought about a toy," she explained as she put them down on the carpeted floor. "Then Sara got very angry at their screaming and yelled at them."

"They're babies," Emy said in wonder, her mouth agape at the constant crying.

"I know…that's why I yelled at her and then she yelled at me and she had a migraine and they wouldn't shut up. They cried all the way here and I don't even know why. Scarlet took Rose's toy even though she has one. I gave Rose her toy and she pulled it away and started crying. Rose started crying, too."

"Birth control," Emy mumbled and Tegan eyed her with a grin.

"Wait till you see how my right nipple looks. You'll inhale all the birth control in the world." Tegan handed each her bottle to calm them down then sat on the couch next to her best friend.

"Thank God I'm a lesbian and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want another kid. Ella's like having five children." Tegan sighed and put her head on her friend's shoulder. Her babies fell down on the pillows Tegan put for them on the floor and assuaged their own cries with their milk. "They're cute when they're calm, though," whispered Emy. "So peaceful."

"When they're calm," Tegan said. "It's rare." She yawned. "I love them, though. They make me happy."

"Really?" Emy sat up, shaking Tegan's head off her shoulder. "Happy? Not sad? Not…"

"What did Stacy tell you, Emy?" She knew Stacy wouldn't shut up. She knew it, God. Such an idiot.

"To be honest it's a more of a collective observation more than her telling me anything." Tegan chuckled. "I know you too well," Emy said seriously. "More than Sara, maybe." And that' what bothered Tegan the most. Sara didn't know her as well as Emy or Jeremy or Stacy did…and Stacy only met her after Sara. "When you were upset because of Sara…you know…with the mind games and all…" Tegan nodded for her friend to continue. "Yes…when you were upset, you did this…you sulked…you dissociated, you isolated yourself." Tegan remembered too well. "Now you're doing the same."

With a lopsided smile, Tegan's eyes watered. "I can't help it," she whispered as she choked up on her words. "I just feel…tired."

"Because of the responsibility?" Tegan nodded. "Sara doesn't help?"

"She does," whispered the other woman.

"And?"

"I don't know," whispered Tegan.

"I am here for you," Emy said. Her blue eyes searched the hazel ones. The two women were nineteen and eighteen once again in their dorm rooms. "I am always here for you, Tegan." Tegan hugged her. She embraced her tightly. A groan left the woman's voice. Her shoulder still hadn't healed. She also still limped and needed a cane when she walked.

But that's all that Tegan wanted to hear…nothing more. She didn't want a lecture. She just wanted someone to tell her they were there for her. She just wanted a hug.

…

"So it's my treat today and I'm ordering the steak that you like but you're too cheap to order yourself." Sara guffawed loudly as her head went back. Stacy took away her menu and grinned merrily.

"To be fair, I used to order it all the time but the financial responsibilities make me stingy when it comes to going out." The nurse nodded understandably.

"I don't really blame you. Remember my state a year ago?" Sara nodded with a faint smile. "Do you think Tegan going back to work would help?"

"Thank you," Sara mumbled to the waitress who filled her glass with the Rose' that she loved so much. "Umm…I do think so actually but I'm not quite sure it's the right decision."

"Why?" Sara knew why they were out. She wasn't an idiot. Stacy wanted to investigate and lecture and Emy was probably doing the same.

"She's still breastfeeding, first of all."

"I worked and breastfed," Stacy refuted the point.

"They're two," Sara said with a shrug. "She doesn't seem ready. She's too attached to them by the way…and they to her."

"But her mental state," Stacy remarked. "What's happening to her isn't good, Sara."

"I know, trust me. I truly know." Sara huffed and stared out of the foggy window in the dimmed restaurant. She wanted to collect her thoughts before answering. "If she wants to go back to work, I wouldn't mind for sure but…" She paused and took a deep breath then continued, "I honestly don't think she's ready. I don't understand what's going on with her and she doesn't help me understand it."

"Yeah," Stacy said simply. She just listened.

"I don't even understand her or her needs," Sara admitted carefully and washed her guilt with a sip of wine right away.

"You guys talked, right?" Sara nodded. "And?"

"No point, really." Sara chuckled. "I promised her I wouldn't yell and I would be nicer…and then I yelled at her this morning…I just did…I don't know why..." Sara felt ashamed of herself. Her tears fell as she watched her friend's disappointed gaze. "The kids were crying and I had a really terrible migraine so I kind of scolded them…" Stacy was shaking her head. "I know…I know…I…" She took another deep breath and grabbed a tissue to wipe her tears. "She told me not to yell at them so I yelled at her…I told her to let me the raise them the way I see fit because I was their mother, too."

"Wow." Stacy mumbled as Sara took one deep breath after the other. "Are you having a panic attack?" she asked hurriedly, her hand reaching the water bottle. Sara nodded, trying to breathe through tears. She truly didn't want to make a scene. "Take a deep breath. Shhh." She handed her a glass of water. "Grab my hand." Sara listened and obeyed. "Squeeze it…squeeze it…shhh." She did as she was told. "It's going to be fine." Sara nodded, more tears fell. Gladly the restaurant was half empty. A couple of waiters were alarmed but nobody noticed. Sara closed her eyes and took one deep breath before opening them again, forcing a smile on her face. "It's fine, love. Tell me what's bothering you."

"I think I yelled because I felt defeated…because of the way she said, 'Don't yell at my kids' as if they're not mine, too. The way she just used that possessive pronoun…" More tears fell. "And I feel like I am not a good mother. I don't have the instinct that she has. I am not as connected as she is."

"Aww, Sara." A sigh escaped the nurse's lungs. "It's not that, honey. Don't you remember yourself when Rose was sick just a month ago?" Sara nodded. "Babe, it's not that…it's just…you're putting too much pressure on yourself and you two are having some conflicts right now. It makes everything just so…tensed up."

"I miss spending time with her before the babies, do you know that?" Was that regret? Did she regret having them? Wanting them? Cajoling Tegan to have them? God, she felt stupid.

"Why don't you do that now? Are they the problem?" Sara nodded. "I do understand this part. I mean, Ella is kinda of a hindrance when it comes to spending time with Emy but we make it work."

"Ella's almost six and she's just one person."

"Of course, yes." Stacy mumbled a quick thank you when the concerned waitress put the plates in front of her and her best friend then asked the crying woman if everything was okay. "She's fine. We're just opening our hearts to each other." Stacy laughed a little bit. "Just gals being pals."

Sara twisted her brows at the cringey words her friend said. At least that made her smile. "That means lesbians fucking…do you know that?"

"I mean…aren't we?" Stacy chuckled. "Just other people."

"Yeah…you." Sara sighed and so did her friend.

"Okay, while we're having this delicious meal, I want you to tell me what type of things or activities you and Tegan love to do together."

Sara thought as she chewed the meat. She wondered what Tegan was eating. She didn't like red meat much but she hoped she was having something delicious, too. She hoped she was happy. She missed her. She loved her. Why didn't Tegan love her back the way she did? "We don't have a lot in common, to be honest."

"It's really fine. Neither Emy and I…but we enjoy doing some things."

"Like?" Sara wondered.

"Well, other than just having crazy sex…" Sara rolled her eyes. Her ears turned red immediately. Typical Sara. "Yeah, other than that, we love playing cards…like poker. We love smoking together, having a drink…or coffee while talking shit about people." Sara's laughter was loud. She couldn't help herself.

"You corrupted the girl."

"Honey, she's already corrupt. Biggest shit-talker in town. She could win the trophy. I come in second place."

"Wow, Stacy." Sara shook her head in amusement.

"Yeah…I mean simple things. We love to go out on dates but Ella can be a pain in the ass so we don't always get to do that. We like to shop together. Especially lingerie because we're perverts."

"Okay, I got it." Sara nodded.

"Now tell me," Stacy urged with a full mouth.

"We used to love having crazy sex time, too, but now she doesn't want to have sex with me..." Stacy opened her mouth but Sara immediately cut her off, "Before you say anything, she actually told me that two days ago. She told me she doesn't want to have sex with me these days because she's just not into it." Stacy showed no reaction. "That's when I suggested therapy but she just doesn't want to even though, by the way, I know she masturbates like crazy on her own. She thinks I don't know but the idiot doesn't clean her browser history and her Google account is logged in on my computer."

"Okay, other things?" Stacy said calmly. "Forget sex for now."

"Umm…well, we love watching movies and shows together. I guess that's something we really enjoy because we get to talk shit about actors and then it leads to talking shit about people and that's when we're peaceful and like cracking jokes…but with the babies and their schedule…it's just…"

"We can work on that…make a schedule for it."

"I like reading and she loves when I read out loud for her."

"Aww."

"Shut up." Sara blushed intensely. "We also really love cooking together but we haven't done that in awhile." Stacy smiled. "We also love going out on dates and I know she wishes we do that but yeah…we can't even find a babysitter."

"Okay, so you do have many things in common," Stacy pointed out with a vibrant grin.

"I guess," Sara mumbled.

"As for the sex and the masturbation, I think it's normal." Sara furrowed her brows. "Okay, so you're her first."

"Yeah," Sara said.

"Emy told me she didn't really have normal teenage years. She didn't experiment and, you know, fool around or anything."

"Right," nodded Sara while chewing.

"She's just discovering her body. I don't think she did that when she was a teenager. Emy hinted at her not knowing shit about masturbation when she was eighteen. Imagine?" Sara scoffed. "You don't know?" Sara shook her head. "You never asked her?"

"Ask her when did she start doing that?" Stacy nodded. "No…it's personal. She never asked me."

"But you told her about us…we started doing it before."

"Yes," Sara said. "But that's sex…it's different."

"It isn't," Stacy argued.

"It is." Sara shrugged. "And, anyway, she can experiment with me like we did with each other."

Stacy tittered. "Uh…yeah, we were fourteen and clueless and we still managed to fuck ourselves every day on our own…twice and three times a day for some of us." It wasn't just her ears which were red; Sara's entire face with her upper chest flamed with heat of embarrassment as Stacy reminded her of her past. "It's just normal. She didn't live her teenage years and her hormones are probably raging. Also, a lot of women after birth get to have this thing about their bodies…like they only wanna have sex with themselves and discover the changes. Give her time." Sara nodded. Those were Tegan's words. That was her request.

"You're right," Sara said with a sigh. "She did ask me to give her time."

"That's great." Stacy shrugged and took a sip of her wine. "This is so good." Sara hummed in agreement. "As for the other activities, I understand two babies at this age are just too much responsibility and this is what's bothering her and making her feel so exhausted but good news is that your babies actually sleep and have a schedule and that's brave, smart, and mature of her to do because most mother, including me, fucked up with their firstborns. Remember Ella?"

"Oh, God, yes…nightmare."

"She never slept." That's correct. She never thought of it. At least her babies slept. At least they knew when they needed sleep and when they needed food. Tegan was really doing the hard job while she was out at work or sulking at home. "But yours do," continued Stacy. "So when they do, take advantage of that time and watch a movie you two like…or even something she likes. Sacrifice every once in awhile so that she can learn to do so, too."

"I mostly have work and the only time I can do it is when the house is quiet."

"I understand this, but your marriage is also something you need to work on, Sara." The other woman nodded. She hated being given advice, but that was her best friend and she had a point in everything she was saying. "Try, Sara, because one day you might not be able to try." Sara's ears perked up and she lifted her head at Stacy's last words. What had Tegan told her?

"What do you mean?"

"It's clear what I mean. One day you might not even find her next to you and you might regret it. When people have too much, they would just leave." Sara nodded quickly. "Don't cry," Stacy said as the tears made their reappearance in Sara's eyes.

"I can't imagine her leaving."

"She won't." Stacy laughed a little. "I'm just saying that you shouldn't get things to that point." Sara nodded. "And as for dates, they should really be part of your lives at least once every two weeks."

"I wish," Sara said.

"You know Emy and I can babysit, right?" Sara nodded. "Also Jack." Stacy raised an eyebrow but Sara's eyes widened. "He babysits Ella whenever you guys can't."

"Tegan will kill me. She gets jealous."

"Seriously?" Loud laughter came out of Stacy's mouth. "She really doesn't have to." Sara shrugged. "Oh, God. You two are the same." Sara smiled sheepishly. "Tell you what, Valentine's Day is in three days, right?"

"I guess." Sara never cared about it. It was just stupid. Tegan didn't show any interest, too.

"Are you planning something?" Sara shook her head. "Well, Emy and I are going out. We wanna try this new lesbian bar and we're very excited." Sara's envy swam inside her stomach. She knew Tegan would love this. Just going out, having a drink, feeling carefree, laughing, dancing, feeling like you have no responsibility, going back home, having sex…good sex…crazy sex, sex on the floor, sex in the kitchen, sex in the living room. Waking up the next morning, you remember nothing but that's alright because you don't even have to. You're hung-over, but that's fine because nobody's waiting for you, no kids, no job, no responsibilities.

"That seems wonderful," Sara said. "You guys will enjoy it."

"But we actually thought about asking you to join us." Sara's eyes lit up.

"Join you?" Stacy nodded. "But the babies."

"That's the thing. Jack will babysit. He said yes about Ella so why not?" No…her out with her wife while her ex husband who broke her heart would be babysitting her and her wife's kids…on Valentine's Day?

Why did the idea sound so sweet? So vengeful…so beautiful…creamy. Yes, she wanted it.

"I mean…that sounds wrong," she said instead. "I don't think he'd do that for me."

"He literally doesn't care, Sara. I will talk to him. Plus, it's such a good way to have some sweet revenge." Stacy thought the same as she smirked. What if Tegan didn't agree? Those were her babies, too.

"You'll have to convince Tegan." Stacy nodded. "She hates him."

"I mean Emy is supposed to tell her but I'll do once we're back." She grinned. "So is that a yes?" She sat back in delight as her plan began to shine in the back of her head.

"I guess it is," Sara smiled shyly. She would really love this. She wanted it. She knew Tegan did.

...

Indeed, Tegan did. When they were back home, Tegan told her how much she truly wanted that. She didn't care that Jack was babysitting as long as he didn't annoy or hurt the babies.

"Can I borrow a dress from you?" Tegan also asked the next morning.

"A dress?" Sara was surprised. Scarlet was on her lap and Sara held the milk bottle for her even though the baby was fully able to do that on her own.

"Yeah," answered her wife coyly. "Something new."

"Sure. You can borrow whatever you want. If you wanna buy one, you can do that."

"Nah, I just wanna wear one of your short black dresses. You know, the simple ones. I like them."

"They're all yours, babe." She looked down at her baby holding her own hand holding the bottle. She smiled a little and kissed her head.

…

They decided that Jack would babysit at Sara's place only because the two babies felt comfortable in their beds and their space. Ella was old enough to be okay anywhere. Sara dictated to her ex what he should do and when to do it and he listened earnestly. Tegan felt insecure in the dress in front of Jack so she put on her long black coat before telling him about the baby's meals.

Stacy picked them up and drove them to the bar.

"I pumped a good portion, I'm drinking tonight," Tegan informed her wife.

Sara hesitated but before saying anything, she eyed Stacy's glare from the car's front mirror. "F…fine, but you'll probably have to pump and dump in the morning."

"I told you I pumped enough. Like for today and tomorrow. Don't worry." Sara nodded.

First few minutes were full of hesitancy and awkward glances at the happy, dancing couples around. Emy and Stacy seemed carefree and ecstatic as they hummed and talked and laughed. Stacy didn't drink but one glass and Emy decided she would follow her steps. Tegan found herself drinking one glass after the other to ease her nerves. It had been so long.

Surprisingly, Sara did so, too. One glass after the other and one cocktail after the other, they were both young again. Not that Tegan was old; she just always felt like she was.

When Tegan whispered if her partner wanted to dance, Sara's mind lit up with the idea. They hadn't ever done that…in public…to fast music. They didn't even know what they were doing but when Tegan moved her body the way she had once done in senior prom, Sara followed along. Sara had more skills but Tegan seemed more confident which was so ironic for their friends to watch.

"What the fuck is happening?" Emy whispered as they watched the couple sway with their foreheads touching and their hands on each other's hips.

"They're too drunk, I think," Stacy suggested. "But leave them alone and let's smoke before they get back and Sara gives us shit about it." Stacy reached for the pack in her purse and Emy did so, too. Stacy handed her partner the blue lighter and watched the couple lose themselves in the music.

Dancing eased them and a few more glasses made them laugh and hiccup and flirt with each other. Sara's hand moved about Tegan's legs, raising the dress up in front of their friends as they whispered and stole kisses. Stacy felt concerned when she told them to stop being so sexual and they both laughed it off.

"Maybe we should leave," Emy said when Sara began kissing her wife's neck in public. "They're gonna have sex here."

"I don't understand them, I swear." Stacy sighed. "Yeah, we should."

Leaving was even harder. Sara and Tegan laughed too loudly as they waited for the car. Stacy had to apologize to anyone standing close and the valet guy. She shoved the two of them in the backseat and huffed loudly when she got into the car. They were still laughing and whispering.

"They're saying really…dirty things," Emy noted. Stacy chuckled. "Sara is."

"I can tell." She glared at her friend through the rearview mirror but Sara's loud chortle was the response.

"Chill, we're just having fun," Sara said and Tegan giggled.

Stacy drove home, not noticing that Sara's hand was in her wife's underwear as they sat closely and giggled. Tegan shoved her face in her wife's neck and muffled her moans and laughter until Emy was able to notice when she heard the lewd words they were exchanging.

"Open your legs," Sara whispered. "More."

"They'll know," Tegan answered. "Unbutton your shirt," Tegan asked. "I wanna look at your tits." She bit on her lower lip when her wife entered her. "Yes," she moaned. Emy's eyes widened. "Show me your boobs," she said again. Emy's ears perked up. "I love them."

"Touch them but I can't show anything. They'll notice." Emy looked at her partner who was too zoned out with her cigarette to notice. "I'm not even wearing a good bra, you can feel them." She looked at Stacy again.

"They're…" Stacy nodded quickly. "Stop them?"

"I can't do anything about it now because they're already fucking and they know we know," she said loudly and casually and both women burst laughing. "Shame on you guys," Stacy said angrily. "Not in my fucking car…around us."

"Don't worry, nothing's getting on your seat. We're…" Sara paused. "That's it?" she whispered and Emy watched as her friend nodded. "Wow." She had never felt so embarrassed. She just wanted to get back home.

"Wait until I get Jack out to get them inside. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want him to see her like this," Stacy said. Sara and Tegan were singing terribly and loudly to the music on the radio, completely wasted and without a care in the world.

"How are we gonna leave them like this?" Emy asked as she and her girlfriend looked at the way-too-happy couple.

"We're not. We're sleeping over. They officially can't mother tonight."

"Oh, God," Emy whispered. She hated taking care of babies.

Stacy had to tell Jack the truth. She couldn't lie to him. Your ex is super wasted and she fucked her wife in my car…in my backseat and I know she doesn't want you to see her like this because we both know when she gets that wasted it means she's the unhappiest person on the planet and she's trying to forget her pains.

No, she didn't say that, but Jack could tell.

"She's kinda a bit too drunk. I mean, you know, they hadn't had fun since ever so we allowed them to set themselves free but, you know, she kinda hates when people see her that way so…"

"I understand," Jack said with a polite smile. A smile that knew too well what was happening. "The three kids are asleep. Ella slept immediately, Rose did so, too, but there is the other one that just gave me such a hard time. She cried herself to sleep after looking everywhere for her mothers."

"Ugh, yeah, that one is so high maintenance." Stacy sighed. "But thank you so much. Seriously. You're such a great friend." They both hugged before she let Jack leave from the back door.

When she got back to the car, both women were whining about having to pee while still laughing, daring each other to make it to the bathroom. Stacy was seriously scared one of them would actually go in her car, especially knowing Sara's bladder barely coped with so much drinking. She let them get to the house with loud laughter. They raced each other upstairs as she and her partner stared at each other blankly.

"Now what?" Emy asked as she slouched on the couch.

"Now we get to the guest bedroom and fall asleep because I am traumatized." Emy sighed. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No, no. I really had fun but I expected…" She didn't even have to say it. "Stacy laughed a little."

"We could ruin their mattress, it's fine. They ruined my car." Emy wrinkled her nose. "I can't believe I just sat there hearing Tegan moan knowing what was happening."

"Or the fucking tit talk." Emy fake-gagged.

"Let's go up, babe."

That was the worst idea. When they went up, the couple's bedroom door was open and the scene was everything they had not imagined. Tegan's spread legs with Sara's head between them greeted them. They both gasped and Stacy closed the door with her heart racing.

When they reached the guest bedroom, they both collapsed on the mattress with loud laughter. Emy held her chest as she laughed.

"Do you still wanna ruin…"

"No," Emy exclaimed. "I don't think I'll sleep after this." Stacy snorted. "Did they even pee? Tegan was still in the dress."

"I don't wanna know anything to be honest." She sighed contently. "You realize if their kids woke up, we'll have to mother them?"

Emy sighed, too. "I know. Fuck."

"Well, at least they're having sex. That's what they want."

…

In the morning, when Sara opened her eyes due to the incessant urge in her bladder, she was on the floor with aching bones. Her left hip was on fire. Not again. Her back, too.

She was naked.

"The fuck?" she said loudly as she sat up. Sharp pain greeted her between her legs. She winced a little. Her wife was naked, too. In her dress, next to her. Bedroom floor. "Tegan?" she questioned as she took a look at her surroundings. A harness and that flesh-colored dildo were on the floor next to her wife's body.

Tegan groaned in return.

"Tegan," she said again.

"What? What?" Tegan said, waking up. "Wh…" She sat up slowly, wincing, too. "What the…" She eyed the dildo again. "What happened?"

"I don't…remember?" Sara said. Her bladder cried. "Shit, I have to pee." She stood up quickly but the sharp pain stopped her. She took a deep breath, feeling not only pain but an itch so familiar yet so strange.

"Are you okay?" Tegan asked. Her head was drumming. Where were her kids? What happened? She stood up to follow when she realized her wife was struggling to get to the bathroom.

"I think you fucked me last night," Sara said. "The pain is just…" Sara cried. That was the first and only time Sara cried because sex was painful…if it was true she had fucked her the night before.

"I don't remember a thing," Tegan whispered. "Weren't we out?" Sara nodded. She sat on the toilet and relieved her bladder. She looked up at her wife's make-up smeared face. "Did we have sex?"

"Obviously," she said with a sharp breath. Tegan's neck was full of hickeys. Tegan's breasts were oozing milk. She looked down at her own chest. Her right breast had a huge hickey. She looked down between her legs and remembered something she had neglected the day before when she was getting dressed. "Tegan," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I think I have a yeast infection," she said with a bitter lip, looking up at her wife. "I have probably given it to you." Tegan's lips parted but then she nodded. "I'm sorry," Sara whispered.

"We had sex…when we were super drunk that we don't even remember it."

"I'm sorry," Sara said again.

"No. It's my fault. I wanted to get drunk." Sara wished she hadn't gotten drunk, too. She just wanted to let go of her thoughts. "I feel like I'm gonna puke."

…

They showered and got dressed without saying much. Their heads ached so sharply. Tegan watched the babies with Stacy through the monitor the whole time she was still in the bedroom. Sara said they both needed Monistat and Tegan nodded. They left the bedroom together to find Stacy with the twins, Ella, and Emy in the living room. The two women looked at them as if they had committed a felony.

"I woke up in a…"

"Ella, can you get me a glass of water?" Stacy interrupted with a question.

"Oh, my God, me, too," Tegan said. "Please."

"Okay," Ella sprang up with enthusiasm and left to the kitchen.

"Listen, you, two, you're taking my car and getting it washed. You're paying for my next therapy visit because I didn't take you out to have you fucking in my car or to see your face in her cunt or to have your disgusting baby squeeze my boob five hundred times throughout the night thinking I have milk. Let alone the constant crying from her and the agonizing screaming I heard from you." The last you was directed towards Sara.

"What?" Tegan asked in shock, face red, eyes watering. Sara's were just wide open. "We did…what?"

"You heard me," Stacy said. "Thank you, my love," she said to her daughter with a bright smile then glared back at her best friend. "You fucked my Valentine," she whispered. "Literally."