Notes:

I am so very sorry! I know this chapter is all over the place but… it just… I tried to make more sense of it and clean it up but I don't know… nothing worked so this is what you get… let me know if you're confused or if it made no sense or… just let me know… not sure what happened here… my brain was just…

Chapter 47

I can't turn back now 'Cause you've brought me too far you're my only reason you're my only truth

Sara

"Malcolm somehow found out about William and told Damien about him. He even went to Central City to get him." Ollie's confession took her by surprise and pissed her off at the same time. Of course Malcolm played a part in ruining Ollie's life. Of course Malcolm wouldn't care about an innocent child, he hadn't cared about his own son after all and used his daughter to kill her.

"Had I not spared Malcolm's life after I found out he was still alive, after he had… after you… if I'd done what Nyssa and Laurel demanded of me, if I'd killed him back then, William might have never been kidnapped and I might not have had to give him up. But… I knew then that I should just do it, that I'd regret it if I didn't but I just… I couldn't do it, Sara. Not even for you." She could hear how difficult it was for him to talk about the events after her death, she could hear his voice breaking towards the end and she wished she could've spared him this pain, wished she could take it from him but she knew that nothing she did or said would ever take the anguish her death had brought him away. Not even her presence now. It was a memory that was forever branded on his heart. The pain may dull with time, but it would never disappear. She squeezed his hands in silent comfort, hoping it would help him, before pulling them away, so she could use them to get rid of some of the nervous energy coursing through her body.

She tried to calm her erratic heart and regulate her heavy breathing. She closed her eyes and started some of the mental exercises the League had taught her while processing everything she had learnt in the last few minutes. It had been a lot. Knowing that Malcolm had played a huge part in all of this was a lot.

Malcolm had always been a selfish bastard, at least for as long as she had known him, so the knowledge that he was more than that, that he was an actual psychopath came as no surprise to her. What she couldn't understand was why he was still alive. Even now. Even after what he had done to Tommy. What he had done to Thea. And especially now, now that she had learnt he had played a role in William's kidnapping. More than that.

He had been the reason William got kidnapped.

Malcolm was the reason Ollie's baby boy had been put in danger. Malcolm was the reason Ollie had given up his son. Malcolm was the reason Ollie had gone through and was still going through the hell the absence of his son in his life was causing him. It almost seemed that Malcolm was responsible for every bad thing that had ever happened to them, starting from the moment they had come back home… so why the hell was he still alive? Ollie had killed others for less.

She focused her mind back to the presence and turned her eyes to her husband, studying him intently. He was looking towards the floor, avoiding her. He looked remorseful, and there was a lot of self-loathing in his face. And a lot of pain in his eyes. Her eyes strayed from her husband's hunched over form to the picture on the coffee table next to him. A picture of Ollie and Tommy, taken at Tommy's 21st birthday party. Her eyes moved back to Ollie, she sighed.

Of course. Tommy.

Ollie spared Malcolm because he was Tommy's dad. Because Tommy had called Ollie a murderer because Tommy hadn't approved of Ollie killing people. But Tommy hadn't known all the facts. Tommy hadn't been aware of what was going on. Tommy hadn't known the truth. And fact was, Tommy wouldn't have stood for any of the things Malcolm had done to Ollie. To them. He would've been horrified. He would've understood. Had Tommy known then what his dad would do in the future, he would've reacted differently to the revelation that Ollie was the Hood. Had Tommy known all the facts, everything that was going on, everything that had happened to Ollie, what had led to him putting on that Shado's hood, he would've understood. He may still not have approved of killing, but he would've understood. Now she just needed to make Ollie see that.

Which was the hardest part of all.

To her surprise, Ollie not only listened to her intently, but she was pretty sure she was getting through to the most stubborn person on the planet on a very sensitive topic. She could see the wheels turning and let him change the subject once he knew she was done. He listened, and he seemed to contemplate what she had said. It was far more than she had expected to get from him.

The direction he was going intrigued her, especially when he wanted to know what her sister's question on whether Tommy had known about their involvement had made him think of. The amused, challenging look on his face spoke volumes. There was really only one thing that made sense given the subject of the matter.

"Spring Break." It was a statement. The week the three of them had spent together was the only event that made sense given the subject. Tommy had known that Ollie and she had been screwing during that week because the hotel room had not been the only thing the three of them had been sharing during Spring Break of 2006.

"Spring Break." He confirmed, and they both enjoyed a brief moment remembering one of the craziest weeks of their lives. Well, the good kind of crazy. They had a lot of bad crazy weeks after that. But this had been a good kind of crazy. It had been just her and her two boys.

The mood quickly changed back to the serious note it had had before, as she knew it would. When Ollie continued his explanation.

Sara wasn't surprised when Ollie told her that Tommy had been hurt when he had learnt about their affair and the fact that they hadn't told him about it. And she would lie if she said that the thought of telling him hadn't crossed her mind.

She had wanted to tell Tommy so badly.

She had wanted to talk to someone about it, about her feelings about what was going on with Ollie and her and she had wanted that person to be Tommy. She had wondered what his thoughts on the matter would be so many times. If he thought there was any chance at all that Ollie would choose her over Laurel, as preposterous as it might have sounded. She wanted to talk to Tommy about how bad he'd think things would be if people were to find out about Ollie and her. And what he would've thought about them. If he'd been able to forgive them for destroying everything with their selfish actions.

If he'd understood, if she'd told him she knew that what she was doing was wrong but that she couldn't help it… because she loved Ollie and he was the only thing in her life that made sense to her. And she couldn't give that up, she couldn't give him up, not as long as he still wanted her.

She wondered if Tommy would've understood, if he'd forgiven her. If he'd drawn her into his arms, as he used to, hugged her close and told her it was okay, that it would be alright, that at least the three of them would be alright, that there was nothing Ollie and she could do to change that… she'd never know, she'll never know how Tommy would've reacted had she confessed to him. Had she trusted him with their secret.

She'd never know now, not unless Ollie and Tommy had talked some more about it and her husband decided to share even more of his private conversation with his best friend with her. It was alright if he didn't want to either. She'd love to know Tommy's thoughts though, but she respected it if Ollie decided he wanted to keep those moments and conversations between him and Tommy.

Oliver

Oliver swallowed hard, holding on to his wife's hands a little tighter, remembering his best friend. Remembering that moment, that one moment when Tommy absolved him of his sin. Of the sin of bringing Sara with him, of not being able to protect her. Of letting her down.

"Ollie, Sara's death wasn't your fault. It was an accident. No one could've known this was going to happen. It wasn't your fault. I never blamed you for what happened to her. And I never will. You didn't know this was going to happen. And I know, I know you did everything you could to save her. Stop blaming yourself for something that was out of your control. It wasn't your fault."

Tommy's voice was so earnest, soft and understanding, yet there was no question his best friend firmly believed everything he was saying. He knew Tommy was trying to help, that he meant well, that his words were meant to comfort him, especially after the harsh words both Laurel and Quentin had thrown at him during the last couple of their encounters, but his words achieved the opposite, actually.

They made him furious.

All he wanted to do with every fiber of his being was to yell at good-intentioned Tommy. Yelling that Tommy was wrong. So very, very wrong. That Sara's death was his fault. That her death had been no accident. That he had been the one who had given Anatoly the order to blow up the Amazo. That he had been the one insisting they try and get the supposed cure to help Slade. Even after everything he had learnt about the Mirakuru and its effects. After he had been made well aware of the fact that Ivo was a manipulative liar. Even after Sara had warned him and begged him not to repeatedly. He had been the one not listening to Sara, again. He had been the one who had broken his promise to his Pretty Bird. He had promised her he would get them off of the island and back home and the moment, the moment he had had the chance to do just that he hadn't. He had ignored her desperate pleas. He had been too stubborn, too proud, too selfish…

His pride had been his downfall and Sara's ultimate demise.

She had paid with her life for his mistake. Sara's death was his biggest failure.

He could've saved her. He could've just got her out of the cell and ran. They could've jumped ship, swam to the submarine and headed back home with Anatoly. Like she had asked him to. They could've been home years ago. Sara should've been his first priority. Her life should've been his first priority. Making sure she was safe should've been more important than the very slim possibility of maybe saving Slade. Sara should've come before Slade. It seemed he had been doomed to make the same mistake over and over again until it was too late to change the outcome. To change his ways, change his mindset. Change his priorities.

He had always made the same mistake.

Taking Sara for granted. Not making her his first priority. Always making her come at least second to everything and everyone else. God, it hurt. Thinking about her hurt so fucking much. Sara had been everything, she had meant the world to him and he had been too stupid to realize it when it would've made a difference, meant something. When it mattered.

His ignorance had cost Sara her life.

His mind focused back on the man in front of him, his best friend, his brother, and the urge to scream and rage at him returned with a vengeance.

He just wanted to scream that he was wrong, that he was a killer and Sara's blood would forever be on his hands, that he would never be able to wash it off, because it was his fault, that her desperate cry of his name was still haunting his dreams almost every single night. That sometimes he could even hear her scream his name in desperation when he was awake.

Slade had known what he had been too stupid and ignorant to realize at the time. What he still wasn't willing to admit to himself.

"Poor Sara. How many times you going to watch her die?... I'll keep my promise! I'll take away everything and everyone you love! Sara was only the first! She was only the first!"

What was the point now of admitting the truth? It wouldn't change anything. Sara was gone, forever. And her loss already hurt too much. He wouldn't be able to handle the dark abyss her absence from his life left after admitting the truth of his feelings for his Pretty Bird to himself.

He wanted to yell at Tommy, letting him know that there were moments he could hear and see her clearly, even knowing it was impossible because she was dead but her ghost was forever haunting him and most of the time he wasn't sure whether it was a curse or a blessing. And he knew, he knew there were a lot of issues that came with that and he probably should get some professional help, but there was a huge part of him that didn't want her to go away. He missed her so much and anything, anything was better than not having her in his life at all, even an image made up by his own mind. Which was probably a clear sign that he was finally going insane, or maybe he had already gone insane years ago… he just couldn't seem to care.

He swallowed hard, trying to swallow the urge to scream and rage and all the other emotions he was feeling with it and get a hold of himself.

It wasn't Tommy's fault.

He didn't know… he couldn't know. Not ever. The truth could never come out. The truth of his guilt, of the role he played in Sara's death, was a burden he would have to carry alone until his dying day, no matter how much he wanted to share it. How much he wanted to let his best friend know, confide in him. Tell him that Sara had lived longer than they thought. That she had been with him for an entire year. That she had been one of the reasons he was here today. Alive. He wanted to tell Tommy how strong their Tweety Bird had been, how amazing and smart and how she had saved him. Repeatedly. How she hadn't backed down and refused to let him go on a suicide mission alone. Helping him even while knowing he was wrong and it might as well be their death sentence. He wanted to let Tommy know just how proud he would've been of her. Of all the hardships and pain she had endured. He wanted to let Tommy know so badly… but he couldn't.

He had a promise to keep. It was the least he could do for her. It was the only thing he could do for her now.

Fuck! This hurt. Knowing that the one promise he had made her and the only one he had actually kept was the one he had made while they talked about what they would do if they didn't make it, the one that led to him lying to everyone.

"And if I don't make it... Tell my family that I died on The Gambit. Let them remember me the way that I was." He could recall everything about that moment, her voice, the look on her face, as if it were happening this instant.

He understood why she had asked it of him. Why she had wanted that… he wished he would've told her that the woman she had become was so much more amazing and awe-striking than the girl she had been. He should've made sure that she knew nothing that had happened to her, nothing she did would ever change the way he felt about her. Who she was to him. How much she meant to him. Her determination to save him, to help him, to get them off of the island was a level of devotion and loyalty he hadn't known anyone could show towards him.

And he repaid it with letting her down, breaking his promise and leading her to her death.

He had made his Pretty Bird a promise, and he would not break that last one. This was all he could do for her now, and he was sure to honor her last wish. No matter the consequences or anguish this lie was causing him. He deserved everything the burden of that promise brought with it.

It was his fault that he has to keep it after all.

"You're wrong."

It was all he could say, all he could do. He could see in his best friend's face that he disagreed, that he didn't understand, but how could he. He was missing all the facts, and he always would. He took a deep breath and one last look at Tommy before turning around and walking away. Letting his best friend stand in the sitting room alone while walking up to his room. He needed to be alone. He couldn't do this right now. He couldn't deal with this right now. He couldn't face Tommy right now and keep his promise to Sara. If he stayed with Tommy he would break, he would break under that intense, compassionate look his best friend was giving him, he would break under the immense pressure the lie was putting on him. He had never been good at lying to Tommy. There was nothing he hated more than lying to Tommy. He felt like his neck was breaking under the pressure of keeping up the lie, one more push from his best friend and the dam would break and he'd tell him everything... but the one thing he couldn't do was break that last promise he had made Sara. So, all he could do was walk away. Walk away and hope that Tommy wouldn't bring it up again, at least not until he felt he could handle the conversation without breaking his promise.

May, 16th 2016

Sara

Sara walked into the gas station in order to pay for the gas Ollie was getting and get some more water. She walked up to the register when she noticed the date on the calendar on the wall behind the counter. No, that couldn't be right.

"Excuse me. Is that the right date? Is this today?" the sales clerk looked at her as if she had lost her mind, and she wondered whether or not he had understood her. She had automatically used English given her surprise instead of the native tongue of Zulu Ollie and her were steadily improving in.

"Yes, today May sixteen." He confirmed in broken English.

"Oh." Sara looked at the calendar for another couple of minutes before gathering her thoughts and looking around the small shop she was standing in. There wasn't really anything in here that she could get for Ollie, not that she was the gift buying type, not that she had bought him anything for his birthday in years… if ever. She walked through the store again, picked up some cake that looked very dry, but it was the best she could do, a couple of cans of cheap beer, and just as an afterthought contemplating the items behind the counter while standing at the register and looking around one more time hoping to maybe notice something she hadn't before that's when her eyes fell on the condoms behind the counter and she contemplated whether she should get a couple, just because… it was Ollie's birthday after all. And she was determined to give him something and make it somewhat special. Maybe? It was the first time that they knowingly spent a birthday together in a good ten years too, so… better safe than sorry, right?

She was just about to pay for everything when Ollie walked into the store. She guessed she had been in here for longer than she had thought.

"Hey. Everything alright?" He walked up to her and put his left hand on her left shoulder, which led to her automatically leaning into him and seeking comfort in his body. She had gotten used to him, his presence and the physical contact he provided over the last couple of weeks they had spent together. He was the only person she trusted herself around right now. She tried to avoid being around people if Ollie wasn't with her. She'd do the occasional gas station shop like this one alone, but she preferred him with her. Ollie moved his hand from her shoulder down her back and stopped at her waist, drawing her into him and bending down to kiss her temple.

His actions led her to believe he had assumed she had taken this long because she was struggling with her bloodlust. This, exactly this was what he did whenever he noticed her struggling and coming close to slipping. And she appreciated it. So very much. She appreciated him and everything he has and was doing for her. She could never repay him for all the things he had done for her, all the things he continued to do for her… which was why she wanted to make today special for him.

He took his wallet from her and handed the sales clerk the money, stopping midway when his eyes landed on the same calendar hers had been stuck on just minutes earlier.

"Huh." His reaction was similar to hers.

"Happy Birthday, Ollie." She turned her head towards him and looked up into his face, catching his eyes while placing one of her hands on his cheek and softly smiling at him.

"I didn't even realize…" He returned her smile but looked deep in thought.

"I didn't either, I'm sorry." She felt so bad for forgetting the day the most important person in her life had been born.

"What are you sorry for?" He sounded so bewildered and confused it broke her heart. He seriously didn't understand why she was apologizing for forgetting his birthday. God, what had they done to him?

"For not remembering your birthday, that makes me a lousy friend, I don't have anything to give you…" she clarified, since he hadn't understood why she would apologize to him for exactly this.

"Don't be silly Pretty Bird, I've got everything I could ever have wished for. I got you back this year and I finally get to spend my birthday with the wo… with my most precious and cherished… I get to spend it with you. That's the best present I have ever gotten. There is nothing more I could ever want for my birthday, Sara." She bit her lip and felt her eyes tear up at his heartfelt words that touched her very core, especially the way his voice sounded, so earnest, full of emotions and slightly hoarse. But his eyes, the intense look in his ocean blue eyes was what really got her.

"Ollie…" her voice broke after that one single word, that one word that meant the world to her.

She wasn't sure who made the first move or how they've ended up kissing passionately right in front of the sales clerk or for how long until the man cleared his throat to get their attention. They parted after another couple of minutes, not letting anyone rush their first kiss in nearly three years. They kept eye contact after for a long time, just basking. Ollie was the one who broke it first, but pulled her into his side to keep her close. He gathered the bag with their purchase but made no move to walk away, looking passed the sales clerk for a moment, seemingly contemplating something. He moved his eyes to her face for a moment before moving them back to what he had been looking at before, her eyes following his. He pointed passed the man in front of him at what he had been looking at, and the sales clerk handed the box to him with a grin on his face.

Ollie handed the man the money and put the box of condoms in their bag, before they said their goodbyes and left the store, still arm in arm.

Oliver

Sara shared another look with him, and he was sure they were thinking the same thing. It had never been anything that had crossed his mind until now. Sure, they had shared beds, and they had the tendency to fall asleep in each other's arms or cuddle in front of the fire... but that was as far as their physical contact went. Taking it further had never even crossed his mind until just now... the condoms had been an impulse buy, but they had opened that door just now, even if only slightly. It was still open. The option, the possibility, was there now. So better safe than sorry, right? ... the last thing they'd need right now would be a baby.

They walked out of the store arm in arm and stopped right next to his bike. He turned towards her, moving her in front of him, so she was in between the Ducati and his body, facing him. He lifted his hand and softly placed it on her face, tracing her features, just taking her in. Burning the way she looked into his memory; her gorgeous eyes a strikingly clear blue, that was only intensified and highlighted by the brown, dark green background of their surroundings and the deep blue color of the sky. The sun was being reflected from her long blonde hair, making it appear almost golden, the freckles on her face were more prominent given their constant exposure to the South Africa sun.

God, she was so damn beautiful.

He had missed her so very much. He had missed this so much. He softly trailed his hand down the side of her neck and around until he reached the back of it, softly pulling her closer while bending down and capturing her lips in another slow, lazy kiss, just enjoying kissing her and taking his time getting reacquainted with her mouth. He could spend the rest of his life kissing Sara and it would be enough, it would be all he needed to die a happy man. God, he had missed this; the familiarity of her mouth, the way she responded to him, one of her hands holding on to his hip, drawing herself even closer to him while the other one had found its way up his arm and all the way up until it had ended up buried in his hair. The hand that wasn't still on the back of her neck was moving from her waist, to her lower back and came to rest on that perfect ass of hers, pulling her even closer into him, so there was no space left between them. God, he needed her.

Oliver had lost all track of time. Just letting himself get lost in his Pretty Bird's intoxicating presence.

They got back on the bike to be on their way and even though nothing really changed, things between them felt different. Almost as if... he wasn't sure, but almost as if for the first time since she's been brought back to life, they let themselves feel the way they feel towards each other. Sara was holding on to him the same way she had hundreds of times before and yet, and yet it felt different. For the first time since she showed up in Star just a few days after his phone call, it felt like it used to, back when Sara had first come home. It felt right. Like it was supposed to be. Just Sara and him. Together. Just for a moment he had a vision of what life could be like... if he and Sara would give it another shot... but as sudden as the vision appeared it was gone and it would only be months in the future when he recalled that moment and realized that the night he and Sara had spent together several hours after that had not been the moment that would change his life forever. It had been that one brief moment he let himself believe, let himself picture the life he could've had... had things turned out differently, had both made different choices.

And just for a second he let the realization that that imagined life was what he wanted more than anything else.

Something he'd push back into one of the farthest corners of his mind, not to be revisited until that horrible argument they would have seven months later. And remembering that realization was what scared him to death. He had a shot at that life now… was he really going to let it slip through his fingers without even trying to stop her, to make her see just how much she meant to him, how much he wanted her in his life. How much he wanted his future completely intertwined with hers. He wanted that life he had envisioned so fucking much. Was he really going to let her go without a fight again? Was he doomed to repeat his mistakes over and over again when it came to Sara? Was he doomed to just stand there watching her leave his life?

Had he learnt nothing?

More than ten fucking years and he was still the same idiot he had been before the Gambit sank when it came to Sara. Still not making her his first priority, still not making sure she knew what she meant to him. Still not fighting for her. Still too much of a coward to tell her just exactly how he felt and what he wanted. Nothing was going to change, not unless he made it. He knew in that instant that this was his last chance, the last chance to make things right, to change the outcome, to change their fates.

It was now or never.

Notes:

Okay, so I have never been to South Africa and I have no clue wether gas stations and gas station shops look like that or sell what I wrote they would. I also don't know how the gas station situation is in the middle of nowhere in South Africa. I apologize for everything I got wrong, I looked some stuff up but not everything because I had a really busy week and still wanted to write and post this chapter and not spend all of my free time researching gas stations in South Africa.

Again, sorry this is all over the place... my brain was already in a weird place when I started writing this but like 2/3 in I learnt that my mom's in the hospital, they don't know what's wrong yet and won't until at least tomorrow, so... yeah, I'm not sure about this one but finishing it actually helped me from stressing myself out so... yeah... might rewrite it at another time when my mind is fully functioning again.

So here's my weekly Arrow Season 5 rant, lol:

Hate the "let's get a new Canary" storyline the way they did it. Hate even more how they once again stole from Sara's story. "Woman in black attacking attackers" = "she's a kick ass woman who appears out of nowhere and saves crime victims" and surprise, surprise she's a Meta with a canary cry... seriously? They should've had Sara in CC during the explosion and given her the cry, they could've easily done it. Her mom lives in CC, she wasn't in Starling during that time and having her check up on her mom would've made perfect sense...she did carry around the canary bombs... I swear one day I'm going to rewrite Season two...

I have several issues with all of that... one Sara is Arrow's OG Canary and I don't care what anyone says, it's a fact. Two when did Laurel become the perfect vigilante? And when did the Canary become her legacy? Sorry everyone but it was established as early as Season one if Arrow that the Canary was Sara's story. It was her bird. I'm going to die on this hill! Three no mention of Sara at all through all of this. Oliver wants a Canary? The perfect Canary, he'd at the very least ask Sara if she were up to coming back and helping him.

I don't want to keep watching this... it gets worse and worse... how is that even possible? And I repeat what I've said before with Prometheus and Vigilante there is too much going on with Evelyn, Black Siren and Tina Boland/Dinah Drake it's Canary overkill and she's too on the nose. You killed the perfect Black Canary in Season 3's first episode for shock value and to push toxic Olicity. You killed the replacement just when she was starting to be good in her role as vigilante, again for shock value and to further toxic Olicity and now you're just pushing some random woman in our face that just happens to have all of the necessary skills to be BC... except there is no personal history between her and Oliver and no reason why we would/should care about her. They should have just brought Sara back... have flashpoint give her the canarycry and be done with it. I swear, logical storytelling... flashpoint giving Sara the canarycry would've made so much more sense than changing Sara Diggle into JJ... oh... suddenly having an idea...

And Oliver just reveals his identity to a woman who made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with them and used to be a cop?! WTF! No, just no! He would never!

Ah... Helix... I might actually do it... even though... hate that stupid hackavist backstory for Felicity... but hmmm... moght be able to work it in. And surprise, surprise Felicity is keeping secrets and information from Oliver...again... aren't we a huge hypocrite?

I did sort of like the Talia parts in Russia, their conversations were really good.

And one last thing:
Laurel would've wanted Ollie to bring Sara home as the Canary.

Chapter titles is from the song "I need you" by LeAnn Rimes.