NOTE: Don't do drugs kids. Also, I have a map of how I'm gonna do the movies going forward, so don't worry.
Chapter 46: Dragon Fool Z Kai
(cut to Kame House, where Master Roshi, Yamcha, Bulma, Oolong, Puar, Krillin, and Maron are standing back as Gohan is consulting with Chi-Chi)
GOHAN: Mom... (camera takes shots of each of the characters' shocked faces) This is an intervention. We love you. We all support you, but your manner of raising me has been too strict, and too harsh.
"Oh my god, he said it," Lucy gaped.
"I think she's been raising him just fine. I taught Natsu the same way she raises him and he turned out just fine," Erza justified.
The mages turned their heads to the shivering Dragon Slayer, and doubted Erza's words.
GOHAN: Like my new tutor.
(cut to flashback)
TUTOR: (while cracking whip at Gohan's back, while Gohan is studying) LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! ARE YOU LEARNING YET?
"WHAT KIND OF MOTH-" Lisanna and Elfman quickly cut their sister's rant off.
GOHAN: (turns around) I don't know. Did Caligula get his comeuppance?
TUTOR: GOOD! IT'S WORKING!
(the Tutor continues to whip Gohan's back more)
TUTOR: LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN!
Mira's muffled screams of rage terrified most of the mages.
"Sis, it's not actually hurting him!
"He's too MANLY to be hurt by some whip!"
She listened and heard her sibling clear enough to calm down. However, she still wanted to rip the "tutor" apart.
(Gohan sighs)
GOHAN: I know that you love me. But it seems your only way of expressing it, is theoretical math, and organic chemistry.
Lucy sympathised with Gohan. Remembering how her father was before he changed.
GOHAN: So please, put the tiger mom back in the cage, and then maybe, Dad will come home.
"I think he'll come home if he smelled her cooking," Gray said.
(Chi-Chi slaps Gohan, knocking him out)
"WHAT KIND OF MOTH-"
[OPENING SEQUENCE]
(however, the opening sequence is immediately cut by a caption displayed in white on a black background, displaying "DBZ ABRIDGED KAI II.9")
(scene changes to Kami's Lookout)
KRILLIN: And that's why we're on The Lookout, but it kinda seems like you've got another thing going on.
(camera shows the Spice Boys)
"Wait, I thought Po-I mean the scary creature of darkness beat these guys," Millianna questioned.
"Must be a type of what-if," Freed shrugged.
SPICE: We are the Spice Boys. So stop, and move over. Because we are about to spice up your life! I am Spice.
"Very creative," Gajeel said, sarcastically.
VINEGAR: Hey. Name's Vinegar.
"Just like Garlic Jr.'s last henchmen. They're named after things that you put on food," Natsu thought back to the other guys.
TARD: And my name is... (pauses, face morphing to an embarrassed expression) ...is Tard.
"Um...You wanna repeat that?" Rouge raised an eyebrow.
KRILLIN: Excuse you?
TARD: Like "mustard"! Come on, guys! Please don't make a big deal out of this! It's cultural, okay?
"You could just say "Mustard" and avoid all of the confusion," Sting pointed out.
VINEGAR: Pfft, I shorten Vinegar all the time, but you don't hear me calling myself N-
"WOAH!"
SPICE: Vinny! Dammit, you're going to get us all in trouble again. Don't make us kick you out like we did with Baby Spice.
(flashback to Baby from Dragon Ball GT, AKA Baby Spice)
BABY SPICE: Whenever I get out of town on business, I like to do my research on where I'm going. What are the local hot-spots, the bar scene, the age of consent; make the best of my time, y'know?
"He looks like some evil baby doll," Yukino described.
"I think I had one like that before," Lisanna thought back to her childhood.
(cut back to present)
ENEMA: And I'm Enema.
(cut to a scene from the movie Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi)
ADMIRAL PIETT: It's an older reference, sir, but it checks out.
"Too old for me to understand," Romeo said.
(cut back to Kami's Lookout, to where a figure is walking out of the building)
KRILLIN: (off-screen) Wait. Is that...? (figure reveals to be Garlic Jr.) Garlic Jr.! Weren't you trapped in another dimension never to escape?
"He was, and still no answer to how," Levy frowned.
GARLIC JR.: Yes. I escaped.
"Yep, that explains it all," Levy gave up.
KRILLIN: Oh no!
GARLIC JR: Quite. And now, I've captured Kami, and released the Black Water Mist upon the planet. (holds up a glass container containing Kami)
"At least they didn't kill him," Juvia sighed in relief.
"That means, Piccolo is all good!" Wendy cheered.
KAMI: (muffled) It's actually something Popo's been fermenting for a couple hundred years. He says it's great for vape pens and butt chugging.
Visible disgust rolled throughout the guildhall.
"I didn't need to know that information," Laxus glared.
"None of us did," Makarov gagged.
GARLIC JR.: Ew.
"Even the villain agrees," Makarov said.
SPICE: And now, with the help of the Makyo Star, we're going to wipe out all of the Earth's defenses.
GOHAN: Please, we got Piccolo, and he'd beat up Second Form Frieza. What are you gonna-?
(camera views Piccolo struggling with Spice, growling like a dog)
"PICCOLO ISN'T OK!?" Wendy screamed in worry.
"He looks worse than usual," Mira tried to hide her smirk.
"Is he on some type of drug?" Gildarts asked, confused at the sight.
GOHAN: Oh great. He's on bath salts too. (Piccolo continues growling like a dog)
"So he is on drugs!" Gildarts, cheered at being right.
"We should be way more concerned about that," Rouge sweatdropped.
ENEMA: Time to get the shit out! (tackles Gohan, knocking him out)
"GOHAN!"
KRILLIN: Gohan!
(Tard punches Krillin in the gut, long moment of silence)
KRILLIN: Fuck! (passes out)
"KRI-Yeah that seems normal," Lucy sighed.
TARD: You and I are gonna have a real gas.
KRILLIN: (recovering) The long-term effects of mustard gas on soldiers in World War II was horrific. Why would y-?
"I don't think he meant something as awful as that," Carla winced.
(Tard grabs Krillin's head, then slams it into his knee, then the other, then the other, eleven times before kicking his face, knocking him down)
"You were that offended by the joke!?" Yukino gasped, horrified.
KRILLIN: (grunts in pain) AW, FINALLY! (lands on the ground)
TARD: By the way, it was World War I.
"Yeah, but the sequels are remembered more," Levy brought up.
KRILLIN: (recovering) Right, I know. You just, like, you start saying "World War", and you kinda want to say "II". Y'know, it's like with Terminator. Everybody knows there's a first one but everybody's always talking about the seq-
(Tard fires an energy wave at Krillin, electrocuting him)
"Thank god, somebody cut him off," Laxus smiled.
KRILLIN: WAUUUUUGH! (faints)
GOHAN: Krillin! Oh my God, are you okay?
"He's been through worse," Gajeel, waved the concern off.
KRILLIN: Man. I'm glad we skipped this the first time.
"Oh, so this is an extra," Levy realized.
GOHAN: Well where's Vegeta? He can help us.
"He's in space and he would help kill you," Lily explained.
KRILLIN: Apparently, he went out to space to find your dad.
"He was that lonely," Gajeel mocked.
(cut to Vegeta on another planet)
VEGETA: Alright. I've checked everywhere except for the planets Yardrat and Vampa. Wait a minute... Am I floating in space? Man, (chuckles) it's a good thing I'm in a part of the galaxy where there's air.
"THAT EXISTS!?" Levy shouted.
(cut back to Kami's Lookout)
ENEMA: (towards Tard) So I told the bitch, "Don't worry! Once I'm all up in your guts, you're gonna feel fresh and clean!"
"Ewwww!" Meredy gagged.
GOHAN: HAAAAH! (fires an energy wave at Enema)
ENEMA: HOLY SHIT! UUUUUUUGH!
(Gohan's energy wave catches Enema, who disintegrates)
"Good kill, brat," Minerva laughed.
TARD: Enema! Noooo! (turns to Gohan) I mean, we actually hated him, so I'm not really heartbroken over it, but I've been using his HBO Go account, and while I'm not into Game of Thrones, I'm really enjoying Silicon Valley-
GOHAN: (fires an energy wave from midair at Tard) HAAAUGH!
(Gohan's energy wave catches Tard)
TARD: FUCK! (disintegrates)
"And you can watch your shows in hell," Bickslow laughed, maniacally.
KRILLIN: Holy shit, Gohan. Did you just kill two people?
"I'm pretty sure he's killed Frieza soldiers. This shouldn't be a surprise," Laxus shrugged.
"Yeah, he was going to kill an enemy at some point," Freed agreed with his idol.
"That doesn't make it right," Erza disagreed.
GOHAN: (fiercely, powering up) I now have a taste for blood! (flies down to Garlic Jr.)
"Don't you always, my sweet child," Mira supported Gohan's bloodlust.
GARLIC JR.: Why are you like that, though?
VINEGAR: Spice, release the cokehead.
"Please, don't do that," Lucy begged.
SPICE: Sic 'em, boy! (releases Piccolo)
PICCOLO: RAUGH-!
(fourth wall break, as the "video" pauses)
(camera pans a view over Kaiserneko sitting at his computer, working on the script for "Garlic Jr Kai")
The mages were unprepared for the sudden fourth wall break. Taking in the appearances of the show's writers
KAISERNEKO: (turns to his cast crew) Guys, what should we do with this scene?
LANIPATOR: (rises from his seat, high on cocaine, speaking rapidly and growling) We-should-do-a-"Dodge!"-joke! We haven't done one in forever. People f-f-f-fucking love them, and we made the goddamn shirt! WE FUCKING DO IT! (slams his fist on his cocaine, spraying white powder all over him)
"Is that cocaine!?" Carla shouted.
"Everything suddenly makes sense now," Freed laughed a bit.
"Back up a minute...they made shirts? I want one," Natsu whined.
"I can make you one," Mira offered and the dragon slayer bounced happily. Mira was then bombarded by other offers for shirts to be made(Which she happily agreed to).
KAISERNEKO: (shakes head) Maybe? I don't know. Kurt, what do you think?
(Kaiserneko and Lanipator turn to Takahata101, who is drinking wine from its box. Takahata101 puts a thumbs-up in agreement)
The mages laughed at the scene.
KAISERNEKO: Alright. "Dodge!" joke it is.
LANIPATOR: (cheering) FUCK YEAH! (knocks the wine box from Takahata101's hands, who retaliates by slapping Lanipator across the cheek) DAUGH!
The laughter increased even more.
(cut back to the Lookout)
PICCOLO: DODGE! (punches Gohan in the face)
Mira's laughter ceased immediately.
"That's the third time he's been hit in the face this episode," Lisanna whispered as to not draw her sister's attention.
GOHAN: (flying from the blow) AUGH! (lands on hard ground)
(Gohan is hardly able to recover)
GARLIC JR.: Good. Now choke him. Choke the shit out of him!
"No! Don't choke the shit out of him!" Wendy refused.
"Language!" Carla reprimanded. Wendy puffed her cheeks in defiance, which made the white cat glare at her.
(Piccolo grabs his hands around Gohan's neck)
GOHAN: (straining) Harder...!
"Woah!"
"Woah!"
"Woah!"
"Woah!"
"Woah!"
"Woah!"
"Woah!"
"Woah!"
"Woah….I don't get it," Natsu shrugged. Everyone forgot their shock to facepalm at his words.
PICCOLO: (surprised) Woah!
GARLIC JR.: (surprised) Woah!
VINEGAR: (surprised) Bro!
SPICE: (surprised) What?!
KRILLIN: (surprised) Jesus, what?!
"Our reactions exactly," Gajeel responded.
GOHAN: (straining) Fight it... harder, Mr. Piccolo...!
"Oh, thank God," Everyone released a breath of relief.
PICCOLO: (relieved) Oh. Thank Kami.
GARLIC JR.: (relieved) Oh good, good. Back to the choking, then.
"No no, that's still pretty bad," Levy said.
PICCOLO: Nah. It's weird now. You made it weird, Gohan. (releases Gohan, then kicks him away)
"He has been around Krllin a lot," Gray pointed out.
PICCOLO: Now I'm hungry. (picks up Krillin)
"Stop eating people!" Lucy screamed.
KRILLIN: Wait. Wait! WAIT!
(Piccolo chomps on Krillin's back)
KRILLIN: (sexually aroused) Mmmm...!
The mages burst into laughter at Krillin's face.
KRILLIN: (gets thrown out of the Lookout by Piccolo, falling) Yeeeeeeeeeeeee...t!
GOHAN: Please, Mr. Piccolo! Don't let the Black Water Mist control you!
"It's not. He's just on drugs," Macao said.
SPICE: No, no. We gave him cocaine. Did you not hear us?
"No, he didn't," Juvia answered.
GOHAN: ...Wha-?
SPICE: It's a spice.
VINEGAR: Spice of life.
"He's not wrong," Wakaba agreed.
"Don't do drugs kids," Everyone looked at the fourth wall at the same time before turning back to the screen.
KAMI: (muffled) Mr. Popo leaves it lying around. I made French toast the other week, and it was a bad time. Well at first, it was a good time. Very productive day, but then... it wasn't.
"Sounds like every sunday morning for me," Gildarts responded.
"Sounds like every hangover for me," Cana downed more beer.
GARLIC JR.: ...I want some coke-toast.
(Piccolo swats Gohan in front of Spice and Vinegar)
GARLIC JR.: Alright, Piccolo. Make like an anti-vaxxer and murder this child!
"Aaaaaannnnnndddddd he ruined it. He ruined it and I'm no longer interested," Minerva spat.
SPICE: Getting a little heavy-handed with the social commentary, aren't we?
VINEGAR: Art should be controversial, man.
PICCOLO: Actually, hold on. Wanna see something gross?
"Yes," Romeo answered.
GARLIC JR.: I don't really do gross.
"Your face is gross," Meredy said.
(Piccolo squeezes his neck, spurting purple fluid)
"Ewww! Is that his blood!?" Yukino gagged.
"Yes, that's his blood," Lucy answered, also disgusted.
GARLIC JR.: Oh God, guy, what are you-?
(Piccolo squeezes his neck more, spurting out more purple fluid)
GARLIC JR.: Oh-Oh no-No-No don't-I-I can't-I can't do gro-
(Piccolo does two hard squeezes to his neck, squirting out a lot of purple fluid)
GARLIC JR.: I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up!
"You and me both," Lucy's face turned green.
(a stream of purple fluid is bursting out from Piccolo's neck, having Garlic Jr. vomiting)
GARLIC JR.: Blaaaagh!
SPICE: Hey, Vinny? I think the coke's worn off- (gets kicked by Piccolo, being knocked back)
"And that means Piccolo is back!" Wendy pumped her fists.
PICCOLO: (growling) More! I need more!
"Or maybe not," The girl chuckled nervously, lowering her arms.
SPICE: Alright, man. Jesus. I-I'm sure there's more around here somewhere-
(Gohan tackles Spice to a horn on the wall, impaling him)
"JEEZ GOHAN!"
"Suddenly, I'm interested again," Minerva grinned, happily.
PICCOLO: NOOOOOOO! MY COCAIIIIIINE!
"There are more pressing matters than your coke addiction," Mira said.
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo, I've had one intervention today, and I will NOT have another!
"And that one ended very well," Lily said.
VINEGAR: Ugh. Okay, this place is killing my high. I'm out. (stands up to leave)
"He may be the smartest henchman ever," Gajeel laughed.
(camera shows Garlic Jr.'s disappointed face, as sounds of footsteps and a door opening and closing can be heard)
GARLIC JR.: ...Are you fucking me right now?! (fists soften) You know what? Fine. I'm a strong independent demon who don't need no henchmen.
"Then why have them in the first place?" Evergreen asked.
(Garlic Jr. powers up with a Mario power-up sound effect, then jumps in front of a surprised Krillin)
GARLIC JR.: (deeper, more fierce voice) Imagine my shlong in this form!
"NOPE! I DON'T NEED THAT IMAGE!" Lucy screamed.
KRILLIN: (aroused) Mmmmm...!
"STOP GETTING AROUSED!" Lucy screamed at Krillin.
GOHAN: Oh, God. He's giant and immortal! There's literally no way to defeat him!
"Unless he summons the one thing that can beat him," Jellal said.
GARLIC JR.: That's right, fuck-boys! Now behold...
(a huge spot in the sky, revealing an abyss in the rift)
GARLIC JR.: ...the terrifying abyss that is the Dead Zone!
The sounds of multiple facepalming could be heard.
GARLIC JR.: For banishing me before, you shall suffer that same gruesome fate forever! And... (eyes widen) Wait... Did I...? I just did it again, didn't I?
"Yes! That's why you think before doing it!" Erza directed her eyes in Natsu's direction. The Dragon Slayer shivered in fear at the feeling of irritation aimed at him.
GARLIC JR.: I literally just did the exact same thing that got me an L last time! What am I doing? This is exactly what my therapist told me not to do!
"I'm really happy to hear you got therapy," Lisanna clapped.
KAMI: (having somehow escaped) We're very happy of you for seeking help.
GARLIC JR.: I'm doing it for me, but I appreciate the support.
"Good job," Wendy smiled.
GARLIC JR.: Anyway, nobody move. Nobody do anything. I'm going to close it up, and then I'm going to let my immortality wear you down, and-
(Garlic Jr. gets a bullet lodged into his forehead, causing him to faint and become sucked into the Dead Zone again. Camera pans to reveal Alucard, who is holding his two guns)
"WAIT WHAT!?"
ALUCARD: Kept you waiting, huh? (roster shows Alucard posing with the caption "Alucard Goes For a Walk!" with the Super Smash Bros. Ultimate theme playing)
"SO COOL!" The immature members yelled. Rouge admired Alucard's attire and presentation.
(cut to Goku's house, where Gohan is sleeping at his desk)
"Huh...are we sure that apple didn't have permanent effects?" Levy asked, concerned.
GOHAN: (wakes up) Uhh! (sits up at his desk) What did I just watch-I mean... dream? Wow. I certainly wouldn't like and subscribe to that. Or hit the bell icon to stay updated with notifications. Definitely wouldn't check out any either.
"Woooooow."
(Gohan is suddenly lashed in the back by a whip)
TUTOR: NO SLEEPING DURING YOUR LESSONS! (continues lashing at Gohan) LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN! LEARN!
"WHAT KIND OF MOTH-"
[ENDING SEQUENCE]
[STINGER]
CARLEEN MORRIGAN: Hello. You're listening to ZPR. I'm Carleen Morrigan, and tonight, we're joined by Vinegar, author of this year's bestselling novel: The Fault in Our Makyo Stars. Now, in this book, you refer to yourself as "The Big Dumb Stupid One". Why is that?
"Ooohhh! Book interviews!" Lucy and Levy squeal.
VINEGAR: Because at the time, that's the role I made for myself, y'know? Or rather, allowed other people to make for me. Too often, we fall into the preconceptions laid out by society, because we don't know anything else, right? That's what this book is about. It's about changing who you are, and hopefully, those around you.
The Fairy Tail mages all smiled at Vinegar's words. It was always nice to see a villain turn over a new leaf.
CARLEEN MORRIGAN: And do you feel bad about all the people you massacred in your conquest throughout space?
VINEGAR: (sighs) To paraphrase Alexander Pope, if I may: "To err is demon; to forgive, divine." And I believe we are not the sum of our past mistakes, but rather the direction of our future.
Gajeel, Minerva, Laxus, and Jellal took those words personally. Gildarts thought back to when he didn't know Cana was his daughter. Unhappy over the years that he missed, but happy to be here for her now. Lucy thought back to her dad and how much he changed before his passing.
CARLEEN MORRIGAN: Wise words from not a big dumb stupid man. Thank you, Mr. (bleep).
VINEGAR: Oh wow. Um... It's "Vinny", actually.
"Vinny is a great guy," Makarov spoke, and everyone else agreed with him.
Chapter End