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Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own characters...

She Will Be Loved

Chapter 47: Forward

By Love Ink

Angela sat in the corner of the SAMCRO clubhouse bar as a party raged around her. Try as she might, Kozik hadn't let her get out of going. He didn't want her anywhere near Oakland again, and he wasn't about to miss church followed by the usual Saturday night party to stay at home with her again. He practically dragged her to the clubhouse, insisting it would be good for her to get out more since she'd spent the last week or so working and going to the widow's group. Juice hadn't come home yet. Apparently, after SAMTAC was done with him, they made him go to the Olympia charter and after that, he was headed to the one in Joliette on his way back down. He wouldn't be home for another week. It was bittersweet having him gone all the while knowing he had once had feelings for her. Might still. Still...it was giving her a chance to heal on her own without the temptation of jumping into things with him. And she really was healing. She was starting to feel like herself again, and she relished in it.

She still didn't want to be at a damn SAMCRO party, though. She did her best to blend into the background, go unnoticed. It seemed to be working since no one approached her except for the new hang-around behind the bar who gave her a beer and then left her alone. "You meet Half-Sack?" Jax asked, leaning against the bar beside her and nodding to the young kid.

She raised an eyebrow at the name. "Half-Sack?" she repeated curiously.

"Don't fuckin' ask," he said on a chuckle.

"Where's your girl?" she asked, taking a sip of beer and looking around the room for Wendy. She didn't mind Wendy that much. The girl played dumb, but Angela got the feeling she was smarter than she let on. They'd hung out a couple times, and Wendy was always cordial. It seemed hanging out with Jax was a great way to earn dirty looks and rude comments from any girl who saw them together, no matter how platonic their relationship was. Wendy didn't seem to mind at all; in fact, she'd said being friends with a girl with absolutely no benefits was good for Jax.

"Bathroom," he replied, his blue eyes scanning the room. "Piney mentioned stepping down again. Bobby hinted I'd be getting the patch. They seem to think I've grown up a bit."

She snorted, rolling her eyes at them. "Sure, you have. What are they basing that off?"

"Me getting back together with my ex-wife."

Angela choked on her beer, coughing and sputtering as she tried to clear her throat. Jax slapped her on the back as he chuckled at her reaction. "I'm sorry," she said, wiping at her mouth. "Ex-wife?"

"Yeah. Didn't I tell you?"

"No. No, you forgot to mention that," she replied, staring at him in disbelief. She couldn't believe Jax Teller had been married before. He wasn't that much older than she was; when had he gotten married? "Holy shit. I...don't even know where to start with that."

Jax shrugged a shoulder. "I was heartbroken after...my ex left, and I...Wendy and I got together. And it was fast and fueled by a lot of booze and for her, drugs, and my buddy, Ope, was marrying his girl, so I thought I should get married too. So I did. In Vegas."

"Bet your Mom loved that," she said on a laugh.

"Yeah, she wasn't thrilled, but she liked the idea of me settlin' down with someone who was more...club oriented. Thought we'd give her grandkids and shit."

Angela bobbed her head in understanding; she knew how that went. Her mother had been complaining about not having grandkids for years. "Is that where this is heading now?"

"Dunno. We'll see what happens with the patch," he said on a shrug.

She scowled at him, shaking her head. "Don't do it for the patch, Teller. Nothing good will come of it."

He winked at her. "We'll see," he said, clinking his beer bottle against hers before disappearing back into the crowd.

"Moron," she muttered under her breath. She picked at the edge of her beer, scoping out the party for someone to talk to or at least play pool with. Glancing at the table, she frowned again. Nevermind. The pool table was currently occupied by dancing Croweaters with Sons shoving dollars into their underwear. "That's gonna fuck up the felt."

"Keep tellin' 'em to stop it. Re-felted that thing like thirty times," a voice drawled beside her. She jumped a little, turning to find Gemma Teller leaning against the bar beside her. Gemma smirked at her, swirling around the drink in her glass. "Surprised you're here and not with your little Mayan brownie."

Angela had done her best to stay far away from Gemma for the past weeks; she didn't want to explain what happened to her. Didn't want to go through the whole messy thing with her. "Nope. I am here," she repeated, taking a long pull of her beer and wishing it was something stronger. Gemma looked at her like she was the dumbest person alive, and she shifted uncomfortably. "I don't really know what you want me to say."

"How 'bout you explain why you're at a SAMCRO party when your man is probably partying it up with the Mayans?"

"I am here because I want to be," she lied, giving Gemma a nervous smile. "Big party. Good time. Fun stuff."

"Because you're clearly enjoying it so much," she stated sarcastically. She narrowed her eyes at her, tilting her head to the side. "You're not after Jax are you?"

She snorted in amusement. "No, not at all," she replied, shaking her head. "I'm here because...oh fuck, oh fuck..."

At that moment, the door opened and Marcus Alvarez walked in with a few of the other Mayans...and Esai. She felt her whole body tense at the sight of him. The area around his nose was still a little green from where she'd hit him, a small bandage across its bridge. She ducked her head, hoping he hadn't seen her. "What the hell?" Gemma murmured, leaning in closer to her. She grabbed her arm, practically pulling her away from the bar. "C'mon, undertaker. Keep your head down."

She let her pull her into one of the dorm rooms in the back, none-too-gently. The door slammed behind them. Angela's chest felt tight as she struggled to catch her breath. "Fuck, oh fuck...what the fuck is he doing here?" she exclaimed, raking her hands through her hair.

"Hey, hey, easy undertaker. Sit down and breathe!" Gemma said, watching her with her hands on her hips. "They're probably here for club business."

Angela didn't listen to her just started pacing the room. "Shit, shit. Why didn't Koz say anything? Of course the one night I come to this shit show..."

"Watch it," Gemma interjected, a stern look in her eyes. "What the hell happened? I thought you two were together!"

"We were," she replied miserably as she sunk down into the desk chair. She let her head fall into her hands with a groan. "I broke up with him."

Gemma chuckled, a hint of surprise in her tone as she said, "No shit. You broke it off with him?"

Angela nodded in response, wiping a hand over her face. "Uh-huh. Like a week ago."

"Why?"

She wrinkled her nose in disgust when she remembered the texts on his phone. The lies he tried to tell her. The lies he continued to spew through voicemails and text messages. "Because he's a fuckin' cheater, and I'm not some stupid high school girl anymore that'll just let that happen."

"This gonna fuck things up with the club?"

Angela felt her stomach turn; she hadn't even thought of that. "What? No! Of course not! I mean...I don't think so. I didn't even..."

"Uh-huh," Gemma muttered, looking down her nose at her and making her feel about two feet tall. "You're lucky Alvarez ain't dumb enough to stoop to that level just 'cause his little boy got his feelings hurt."

She nodded slowly, raking a hand through her hair again. Yeah, Marcus wasn't that dumb, but his son was a whole other story. "Fuck," she muttered under her breath. "I can't...I can't go back out there."

"Yeah, you can," she replied, her hands on her hips. "You're gonna get up and get back out there. Show him you're not afraid of him. He did you wrong, and you're hiding from him for no reason like a goddamn coward. Been told how strong you are, but I don't see it."

Angela gave her a half-hearted glare, rubbing a hand over her face. "I don't want to talk to him."

"So don't. Pretty sure Kozik won't let him anywhere near ya."

"Definitely not," she said, hating the way her hands were shaking as she messed with her ring. Gemma was right; she had nothing to be afraid of. No reason to hide. She had done nothing wrong. He was the one who had fucked up. Taking in a deep breath, she sat up a little straighter. "Y'know what? You're right. I'm not afraid of him. Not anymore. We're adults. We can handle this like fuckin' adults."

"Good. Now get out there, undertaker. Don't give him any goddamn attention."

Angela sucked in a deep breath as she got to her feet. She squared her shoulders, doing her best to look tougher than she felt. "All right. Let's go before I lose my nerve."

Esai hadn't seen Angela when he first walked into the clubhouse, though he'd seen her car in the parking lot. He had a sick sense of hope she'd see him, see the bruise still lingering on his face, and run to him. Tell him she was sorry for hitting him, that she made a big mistake, but she was nowhere in sight. He headed into the small little room the Sons used for their church, knowing he just had to stand by the door. It was unusual for the Sons to allow anyone into their inner sanctum, but they needed to talk business and needed to do it somewhere secure. He noticed the idiot prospect wasn't there and wondered if Angela was off somewhere with him. The thought alone made his blood boil; no way was he going to let Angela go off with that idiot Son. It wasn't going to happen.

He half-heartedly listened to what his father was talking to Clay and the rest of the Sons about. Catching only that there was a surplus of guns coming next month, and whatever warehouse SAMCRO had wasn't going to be able to hold all of them without risking being exposed. In the meantime, the surplus guns were going to be stored in Happy's mother's basement...Angela's family's basement, somewhere the Sons deemed as secure due to its close proximity to some lady named Vivica who lived next door. He didn't give a shit where they stored them. He didn't really care about any of the business side of things as long as it put money in his pocket, he had other things to worry about.

The meeting was finished fairly quickly and Clay invited them to stay for a drink. He could tell by looking around the room that they weren't truly wanted there. Asking them to stay wasn't meant to be taken seriously, and his father knew it. The Mayan President headed out first, the rest of the Mayans following slowly behind. Esai scanned the clubhouse as he went, stopping in his tracks when he saw Angela sitting at the end of the bar.

She looked hot as hell in her black, loose Led Zeppelin shirt that he knew was cropped and showed off just the perfect amount of her caramel skin. Despite not being able to see her lower half, he was willing to bet she was wearing her black jeans with the ripped knees and either her black boots or her pristinely clean Adidas All Stars. Large silver hoops dangled from her ears and that damn lotus necklace was around her neck. He hated that necklace. He'd known her ex had given it to her. That she touched it when she was feeling sad or thinking of him...which he'd caught her doing a lot when they were hanging out together. He'd thought about asking her to take it off but knew doing so was likely to make her mad and making her mad brought her closer to leaving him. He had to be sensitive to her needs. She'd lost her boyfriend, and he had to adapt to that if he wanted to keep her. And he had. He'd been so good in the beginning, avoiding all the sweetbutts that tried to come on to him and being faithful. It was one moment of weakness that had fucked it all up. A moment of weakness he couldn't stop repeating.

He crossed the room to her, cognizant of the way her shoulders tensed when he neared. He had almost gotten to her when someone stepped between them. "Don't even think about it," said a blonde, older Son he had seen hanging out with Angela's cousin several times. Cosmo, or something. He knew Angela loved the man like a family member, but he never bothered learning too much about him.

Esai ignored him and tried to walk around him but another Son stepped in his way. The blonde with the longer hair. Son of the founder. Jax. "Yeah, not happening," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It's fine," Angela's voice said from behind them. They didn't budge, and he watched in mild amusement as she kicked the back of the younger one's knee, making him jerk down a bit.

He turned on her with a scowl. "The fuck?"

"I'm okay. I've got this. Just...go away. Both of you, please," she encouraged, shooing them away with her hands.

Begrudgingly, they both stepped away but didn't go far. He was pretty sure they could still hear them. Angela crossed her arms over her chest, raising her eyebrows at him expectantly. She wasn't going to make this easy on him like he'd thought she would. "Angelita," he started, nodding to her in greeting and feeling like a complete moron. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, kiss her, but he couldn't. Not in front of her two blonde bodyguards.

"Esai," she replied, squaring her shoulders a bit.

"I um..." he scratched at the back of his neck; he honestly didn't know what to say to her. "I called you."

"I know."

"You didn't answer."

"I didn't want to."

Esai started getting frustrated with how slow this conversation was going, how guarded she was. He'd known her since she was twelve years old! Things had never been this weird between them. "Right," he muttered, shifting a bit. "Just wanted to talk to you."

"There's nothing more to talk about," she shot back.

He could feel his father's eyes burning a hole in his back and knew he disapproved of the whole interaction. Whatever conversation he wanted to have with Angela should be done behind closed doors, not in the middle of a crowded clubhouse, especially when she wasn't backing down. It was making him look weak. He stepped a little closer to her, knowing the two blonde idiots had also stepped closer. "Just want to fuckin' talk. Think you owe me that."

"I don't owe you shit," she spat back, her voice low and angry.

Out of habit, his hand reached for her arm to grab her, but his father's voice called over those noise of the clubhouse. "Esai! Vamos!" he ordered.

He dipped his head closer to Angela, feeling a little triumphant when she flinched back a bit. "This ain't over."

Angela stepped away from him, anger in her dark eyes as she glared at him. "It is. I'm done, E. You messed up. There's nothing more to talk about."

Esai hid his surprise with a smirk. He wasn't used to this strong version of Angela. She'd been such a mess when she'd first come back for New York. Weak, vulnerable. But that was not the version of her standing in front of him right now. This was an older, stronger woman, and he didn't quite know what to do with her. He was turned on by her strength, though. Wished he could grab her and take her back to some dark corner and have his way with her. He took a step away, winking at her. "We'll see about that, Angelita," he said before turning to join his brothers as they walked out of the clubhouse. He was going to find a way to get her back. He just wasn't sure how yet.

Angela let out a long breath as she watched Esai leave, a feeling of unease in her stomach. We'll see about that, he'd said. What the fuck did that mean? The party continued on around her, it had never stopped. Not a single person but Koz, Jax, and Gemma seemed to even be aware of the little confrontation. She was grateful for that, though. She didn't want to draw any more attention to herself. Once the Mayans were gone, Kozik leaned over and kissed her temple. "Proud a ya, kid," he murmured before disappearing into the crowd.

Jax slapped her shoulder. "Kicking was unnecessary," he muttered, elbowing her side.

"Shut up," she muttered, elbowing him back. He winked at her as he walked away, clearly going to find Wendy. She shook her head at him before turning to find Gemma there, arms crossed over her chest, watching her down the slope of her nose. Unimpressed. "I um..."

Gemma didn't say anything, just walked towards her with a frown. "Now that's how shit gets handled," she said, taking a step closer to her. "Stay away from Jax."

"Oh no. I'm not...we're just friends."

"You're 'just friends' with Juice too, aren't you?"

Angela scowled at her, hating her logic. "I don't do blondes."

"That's right. Like 'em nice and brown don'tcha? Keep it that way," Gemma said before walking away.

Angela leaned over the bar, nodding to the hangaround behind it. "A shot of tequila. Please. Actually, make it a glass. On ice."

A rough chuckle was heard beside her. She turned to find an older man in a jean cut. She stared at his weather-worn Vice President's patch for a moment before looking up at his face. He gave her a smirk and lifted a bottle of Patron. "This might be a little smoother," he said before shouting for the hangaround to give him two glasses of ice.

"Thanks," Angela said, watching as he popped off the cork and poured to decent glasses of tequila for them. His was almost to the brim of the glass.

"Piney Winston," he introduced himself.

"Angela Ruiz," she replied, clinking her glass against his and taking a sip of the liquid. "That's so much better than the plastic bottle shit behind the bar."

Piney chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Always happy to share with a pretty gal," he said with a charming grin.

She took another sip to keep from laughing at his smooth talking. "I appreciate it," she countered awkwardly.

His blue eyes looked her over for a moment. "You're Victor's little girl, aren't you?"

Angela's brows furrowed together as she tilted her head to the side. Her father, Victor, died when she was three; she'd never had anyone refer to her as "Victor's little girl". Yet this older man seemed to know him somehow. "I um...yeah, I am. Did you...did you know him?"

Piney nodded slowly. "Good man. Chico tried like hell to get him to prospect," he explained on a rough laugh. "But your old man refused. Said he wanted to set a good example for his kids. Hap and a little girl he had on the way."

She smiled a little. "I had no idea."

"Not surprised. He didn't want you anywhere near us," he explained on another chuckle. "Chico wasn't allowed to see you with his cut on. He would always forget to put it back on when he came back, and we'd all give him shit for it."

"Took me forever to realize Cheeks was a Son too. I never saw him with a cut on, 'n' Hap didn't wear one around me until after Chico died," she explained on a frown. She stared into her tequila glass, feeling a little sad as she thought of the two men she'd lost. She missed them both terribly.

Piney nodded a bit, staring into his own glass. "Both good men. Gone way too soon."

"Yeah," she croaked, bringing the glass to her lips and finishing it off with a grimace.

He put some more in her glass with a smirk. "It was nice meetin' ya, Angie. Keep away from those Mayans. Ain't gonna do you or us any good."

"Y-yeah, 'course," she said on an awkward nod. He gave her a nod back and left without explaining further. She sighed softy before glancing up to where the hangaround was wiping down the bar. She needed some type of distraction or else thinking of Chico, her dad, and Esai was going to send her in a downward spiral. "Half-sack, huh? How'd you get a name like that?"

"Yep," he replied, nodding his head. "Lost a testicle while fighting over seas."

Angela raised her eyebrows in surprised; that was not what she was expecting. "No shit?"

"Yeah, still works and everything, though. I can show you if you want," he said with a flirtatious smile.

She laughed, shaking her head quickly. "No, thanks. I'll take your word for it," she said, finishing off the tequila. She smiled as the alcohol buzzed through her veins. "One more of the cheap stuff."

Half-Sack grinned, filling pouring about a shot's worth into the glass. She lifted it to cheers him before downing the tequila quickly and grimacing at the taste; it definitely wasn't as good as what Piney had given her. Pushing away from the bar, she made her way through the clubhouse searching for some air. With a smirk, she climbed up to the roof knowing Jax was too distracted to go up there, so she'd be alone for once. With the constant body guard following her around, it felt like she hadn't been alone in a long time.

She breathed deeply, enjoying the fresh night air. It was just starting to get cold, and she loved the feeling. Loved the idea of having a winter with no snow for the first time in years. She'd missed California winters. Taking a seat, she watched the party going on beneath her and then set her sights on the stars. Her mind went back to the last Christmas she and Raj spent together where they'd sat in the backyard with Juice looking up at the stars. She'd felt content then. Loved. She missed that feeling. "Hey Rajah," she said, letting out a long breath as she did so. Her bottom lip started trembling as tears filled her eyes. It'd been awhile since she had a conversation with him. No matter how one sided it was. The girls at the widow's club encouraged it, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to do so. The tequila buzzing through her veins made it a little easier though. "Miss you. I dunno what I've been doin' lately. Who I've been. Esai was...he was a moment of weakness. He made me feel...good but also like shit. I was weak to give into him, but I'm not weak...right? You always said I was strong, and that's why you liked me. I think lost sight of that."

A breeze blew her hair into her face, making goosebumps rise on her arms. She shivered a bit, though she took it as a sign that he was there with her. Listening. If she closed her eyes, she could picture him there beside her, leaning into her, his dark eyes earnest as he listened to her, head tilted to the side, a wavy lock of hair in his face. So fucking handsome. Her Raj. "But I think...it's time for me to start letting you go, so I can...live again. So I can stop making stupid fuckin' decisions and be...me again."

She swallowed hard, breathing in deeply and letting it out slowly. "I won't forget you. Promise I won't, and I'll always love you, but I gotta move on, and I hope that's okay with you."

Out of nowhere, a mylar balloon in the shape of a heart floated through the sky, overhead. She watched it sail over the clubhouse, smiling when she saw it was silver. Raj always said silver was his favorite color, something she'd teased him endlessly about, insisting it wasn't a color since it wasn't in the rainbow while he begged to differ. Seeing the silver heart now felt like some kind of sign. Like he was telling her he was okay with her moving on. As stupid as it felt, she blew a kiss to the balloon. To Raj. "Thanks, Raj. Love you."

She smiled at herself for the silly little act, but in reality, a weight had been lifted off of her chest. She didn't need to feel guilty anymore. Despite the mistake she'd made of getting back together with Esai, everything was going to be okay. It was time for her to start healing and moving forward with her life.

Her thoughts drifted to her father and her Uncle Chico. Taking to Piney had brought them to the forefront of her mind. Chico used to say her father's favorite saying was "Pa'lante!" Every time something would go wrong, he shout it out loud, throwing a fist into the air. Chico had explained it was slang for "para delante" or 'straight ahead or forward' and that her father believed in always pushing forward, moving past the bad and pushing forward to the good. With a sigh, she stood and inhaled deeply. "Pa'lante," she whispered to herself before heading back towards the chaos of the clubhouse.

Coming up next: Juice comes home... ;)

As always, let me know what you think!

~Love Ink