Chapter 48

"My mum was the best person I've ever known. I never looked at other kids at school and wished for my mum to be more like theirs or thought she should be there for us more. She was perfect just as everyone here knows. I was lucky to be able to spend time with her before she died. But erm- on the same day eleven years before mum died, we lost my little brother, William. And I was thinking the other day that Will was dead before mum even knew something had happened. There was probably about an hour between Will taking his last breath and my mum being phoned. So obviously, she never got her goodbye and neither did Will. So I tried to figure out what the best way for them to have their goodbyes would be. Because I got mine and I'm not going to stand in front of you and do it again or tell you all something you already know perfectly well.

"We found these in the attic a few days ago. Hundreds of letters and pieces of… I don't want to call it art, but it's the best we could do as children. These ones are letters and cards that Will made for mum. We tried our best to read and translate everything so it could be understood and I thought I could read a few out. We think this one is from when he was about eight: 'To the best mummy in the world. Happy birthday! Here is a picture I drew of everyone at school- the ugly one is Merlin and you're the pretty one. Love from your favourite son, Will.' Here's the picture, too."

Merlin held it up. He was standing in front of probably nearly one hundred people at Hunith's funeral, trying to stop his leg from shaking with nerves.

"There's me," he laughed, pointing, "The ugly one. Then Freya, the tiny splodge at the bottom. And Will with mum. As you can see, it's a very accurate representation of us. Another letter, here from when he was just learning to write. It doesn't say anything except, 'To mummy, I love you, from Will.' This one 'Mummy. Happy Christmas. I want you to know that this year I asked Santa for you to be happy so you can look after us forever because you are the best mummy ever and no one else is good at cooking. Please be here forever. From Will.'" Merlin was trying not to get too emotional but tears were welling up in his eyes, "Will was a trouble maker but he adored mum with all his heart. Now, obviously I know this isn't Will's funeral, it's mum's. I only thought that- well- there are people here in this room who mum hadn't seen for decades before she died but her own son can't be here. That's not fair.

"I didn't go to my father's funeral. Or my brother's. I chose not to be at dad's, I wouldn't have been able to cope and I was physically incapable of going to Will's. I always didn't think I'd manage to come here. But I found this last card. I still remember making it when I was six for mum and dad's anniversary. I asked my teachers at school to help. So I found Will and asked him what he wanted to say and told my teacher so she could write it out. Then I copied it, letter for letter, so it would be spelt perfectly. It said, 'To mummy and daddy. Happy wedding anniversary. Thank you for being the best parents we could hope for. We hope you're happy and together forever. Love Merlin.' And then I wrote Will's message, 'One day I want to find someone perfect to love like you love each other and be with them for the rest of time.' He wrote his own name and when we got home, I put my hand over Freya's and made her hold a pen so it was like she was writing her own name.

"I'm just going to repeat what Will said, 'One day, I want to find someone perfect to love like you love each other and be with them for the rest of time.' He wasn't even twenty when he died. By that point dad had left, come back and then died. Look, I don't want to make my husband's head bigger than it already is but Freya and I are both married to amazing, amazing men. Will never even got a proper girlfriend.

"What I'm trying to say in my usual, insanely contrived way is that when I was small, I had a brilliant family of five who were always close and were always there for each other. One by one, Freya and I have watched our family members suffer then die but we still have the most beautiful families around us. It's hard to watch anyone you love be in pain but for every person there is around you struggling, there are dozens more to help. Mum is going to be missed and she'll never be replaced and it'll be so, so hard to move on. But she had people around her who loved her, too. That's all we can ask for in life."

"It was dumb, it didn't make sense, it was rubbish!"

"Merls, it was fine."

They were at Hunith's wake in a nearby church hall after the funeral and Merlin had started to become panicky so Arthur had dragged him off to the bathrooms to calm him down,

"No it was awful! It made no sense, Arthur, it didn't mean anything. What was I even trying to say?"

"Gorgeous, it's done, what you said was lovely, but even if it hadn't been, you can't un-say it. It's said and it was touching and moving and really, really, meaningful, ok? Stop stressing."

"I'm sorry," Merlin wiped his eyes, "I'm just-"

"I know," Arthur hugged him, "You're doing so well."

"Did you see that old woman at the back of the hall crying?" Merlin asked through his tears.

"Yeah, why?"

"Never seen her before in my life. Freya didn't know her either. She's not one of mum's old friends from college or something, she never worked with her. We have no idea who she is but she cried more than anyone else in the room."

Arthur laughed, "And you don't recognise her at all?"

"No," Merlin chuckled, "We're coming up with theories."

"Are you going to ask her?"

"Maybe. If she comes up to us."

"Not much longer," Arthur said, kissing Merlin, "You can do it."

Merlin held onto him tightly, "Stay with me?"

"Where else would I be? Ready?"

Merlin nodded and took Arthur's hand. Almost as soon as they were back in the hall, Gwaine approached them. "We've got to take some of these kids home."

"Of course, thank you for coming."

"Me, Perce and Leon are taking Eira, Benny, Luke and the twins back to Freya's. We'll see you there later."

He hugged Merlin, "See you soon."

"Thank you, Gwaine."

"Come on," Arthur whispered to Merlin, "Let's sit with Morgs."

They headed over to a table at the back where Morgana was sitting with Gwen, Lancelot and their respective children who hadn't yet left.

"Where's Elyan?" Arthur asked.

"He had to take a call from Mary. He'll be back in a second."

"You didn't all have to come, you know," Merlin said quietly, "It's a long way to travel just for-"

"Merlin, it's the least we could do. We want to be here."

"Merls, did you show Lance that photo?"

"Oh," Merlin dug in his pocket and pulled out an old photograph to hold out to Lancelot, "I found this in the attic."

"Oh my god," Lancelot laughed, "No way!"

Gwen looked over his shoulder and giggled, "Is that you?"

"Merlin and I."

"When we were seven," Merlin said.

"Will look at this," Lancelot showed the picture to his son, "Do you know who either of these people are?"

"No," Will frowned.

"That's daddy," Lancelot pointed to himself, "When he was really little."

Will giggled, "You look funny."

"And that," Lance moved his finger along the photo, "Is your Uncle Merlin."

Will laughed again.

"Have you got a copy of this I can have?" Lancelot asked.

"I can get one for you," Merlin said easily.

"Amazing."

When they finally got back to Freya's for coffees and drinks, Merlin felt ready to drop dead. He'd cried and panicked and stressed enough already for that day. Arthur sat beside him on Freya's sofa stroking his arm, kissing his temple, playing with his hair, just generally pampering him and looking after him until he felt better. Everyone was being very considerate to Merlin and Freya.

"What time are we heading off tomorrow?" Gwaine asked everyone in the early evening.

"Relatively early," Leon said, "The ferry leaves just before mid-day."

Matt, Freya and the twins were coming with them back to England to stay for a little bit. Merlin had decided it was too hard to stay in Ireland but Freya wanted to be there for her brother so they'd agreed to come.

"Are we all good to get a takeaway for dinner?" Matt asked, "Forgive me for not wanting to supply and prepare food for eighteen people."

"Of course, don't even think about cooking," Morgana said.

Arthur chuckled affectionately as Merlin's head dropped to the side and then he startled awake and caught himself.

"Lie back," he whispered, pushing Merlin's head gently back so it rested against his chest then lolled to one side. No one else noticed, they were all deeply invested in conversation about takeaway preferences and what would be good for the kids. Arthur was really gently using his index finger to stroke Merlin's cheek who seemed to be asleep already.

"Arthur are you two happy with pizzas?"

"Of course, we're not picky."

Aithusa came over from where she'd been sitting with Belle and Eira on the other side of the room and jumped up onto the sofa with her owners. It was all very, very squished in the living room which, in all fairness, wasn't that small but for eleven adults, six children, a baby and two dogs, it was a little short on room.

"I think we have an old marquee, tent thing somewhere in the attic," Freya suggested, "We could put it up outside, wrap up warmly, bring out some chairs and cushions. There's more space out there than in here."

"Sounds like a plan," Lancelot agreed.

"Come on, kids!" Gwaine stood up excitedly, "Who wants to build a den?"

It was left so that only Arthur, Merlin, Morgana and Freya were left in the living room with baby Benny and the dogs. The girls were ordering the pizzas and Arthur wasn't prepared to wake Merlin so they sat enjoying the space and the peace. All the sofas had been stripped of their cushions and blankets aside from the half of the settee which Arthur and Merlin were resting on. Mattresses had been stolen, blanket boxes emptied and pillows dug out from everywhere.

"Sometimes I hate my husband," Freya laughed, "It'll take ages to put everything back and we have to leave early in the morning."

"We'll help," Arthur said easily, "Don't worry."

"And we won't be staying long," Morgana added, "There'll be plenty of time for an early night still."

Freya nodded, "They won't take cash for this much," she realised, looking at the total on the website, "Whose bank account are we going to maim?"

"Ours," Arthur got his wallet out of his pocket carefully so he didn't disturb Merlin and then tossed it across the room. "And you're not paying us back, this is our treat."

"Arthur, it's over-"

"Hey, you're getting free pizza. If you start telling me how much it's going to cost me to give you free pizza, you'll put me off giving you free pizza and the pizza will no longer be free."

"What?"

"I don't want to know how much it's going to cost in case it puts me off paying for it. Buy the pizzas before I change my mind." He hugged Merlin closer to him and kissed his cheek.

"How was he?" Freya asked while Morgana put the payment through on the website.

"Hm?" Arthur glanced over.

"How was Merlin with the funeral and everything?" Freya clarified, "I didn't see him as much as I'd wanted to."

"There were a few wobbles," Arthur said, "But we dealt with them. How were you?"

"A few wobbles," Freya laughed, "It's so weird having so many people you barely know come up to you and tell you how sorry they are."

"The entire thing is weird," Arthur said, "That day, every year, it'll be awful. More awful than it already is."

"We'll cope, Arthur," Morgana said, "Whatever you need, whenever you need. We owe you, you just bought us free pizza."

"He isn't sleeping."

"I beg to differ," Freya snorted, looking at her brother.

"I mean at nights," Arthur said with a smirk, "He lies there and stares at the ceiling for hours only to fall asleep then wake up after a nightmare, spend half an hour being sick and then can't sleep again after that. I don't know how long it's going to last."

"Does he take the sleeping pills?"

"We ran out. We're trying to get a refill of the prescription but it'll go to our pharmacy."

"You can get it tomorrow," Freya reminded him.

"Yeah."

"Mummy! Mummy! Come and see!" Belle ran into the room, surprising all of them so that Aithusa jumped up and started yapping, effectively startling Merlin awake.

Morgana winced and mouthed an apology to Arthur, "What have you made, baby?"

"The den's all finished, come see!"

"I'm coming."

Merlin groaned and rubbed his eyes.

"You up for pizza, sleepy?" Arthur asked him.

Merlin nodded, sitting up to stretch, "Sorry I fell asleep."

"How're you feeling?"

"I'm ok."

"Good," Arthur kissed him, "Let's go see this den, eh?"

Merlin was very clingy to Arthur for the rest of the night and didn't talk much to anyone else, with the exception of Belle who bugged him constantly in her usual sweetly innocent nature. Baby Benjamin sat safely swaddled in his blankets and nestled in his car seat beside his mother. Killi was curled around him protectively and would watch everyone cautiously who tried to approach them.

When the pizzas had been demolished, everyone started moving the components of the den back indoors. Gwaine and Percival left early to go back to their hotel room for the night because all the excitement and chaos of the day had triggered a mild seizure and Eira needed to rest before getting up the next day early for travel. The adults had just about managed to shield the drama from the rest of the kids but of course, being the ever faithful best friend, Will had known in an instant. He'd thrown a tantrum to hear Eira was going home so in the end Gwen had agreed to let him go back to the hotel with the others.

"They'll get married some day," Lancelot said as they forced the cushions back onto the sofa.

"Who?" Merlin asked.

"Eira and Will. Bet you anything."

"No," Merlin disagreed, "They're best friends, it's a different relationship."

"We'll see."

"Yeah, in twenty years or so."

"I know it, Merls."

"Whatever you say."