at Hannah: thanks for taking the time to write a much-appreciated review.

Looks like there are a couple of Stellaride fans out there enjoying my story as well.

And I'm glad to read that some might agree with me that the show doesn't give Casey's story / past the attention it deserves.

So I guess, we continue with my take on it ...

Chapter XLVIII

The intensive care unit was a lot quieter and brighter than the intermediate care unit. The single rooms allowed much more privacy, and the entire ward seemed friendlier and tidier. Still, the mood here was graver and depressing, and Kelly instantly felt like drowning in a sea of mind-numbing emotions. The immediate sense of fear and panic let him silently repeat Stella's words when they got to Casey's bed.

The chief hadn't exaggerated when he told him he would be scared first. Casey's body lay lifeless in front of him, and Kelly wasn't sure at first whether he looked like Matt at all. His skin was gray, and like Boden before, Kelly found the covered eyes extremely irritating. In a way, it made the sight of Casey even harder to bear, and Kelly had to stifle the urge to remove the cotton wool, even if the squad-lieutenant knew it would make no difference to his sedated friend. Kelly secretly hoped that, in fact, Matt would not notice any of this, although he would like to believe that his friend would recognize his presence.

Kelly had to admit that those who had advised against coming here had a good point because he felt that there was really nothing he could do for Casey.

"Damn it, Matt," he gasped! "You look like hell."

The sentence slipped easily from Kelly's lips and brought a bit of familiarity to this unfamiliar situation. More than once, both had thrown this statement at each other. Usually, Matt would reply, "so do you," but the room stayed quiet, apart from the typical noises of an intensive care unit, which had nothing ordinary at all.

"You couldn't have it, could you? Me, playing the injury card for once. A little selfish, don't you think, buddy," Severide joked half-heartedly?

"I'm alright, by the way," Kelly felt the need to say.

Will cleared his throat when he heard Severide and looked expectantly at him.

"Well, I'm better than you, obviously," Kelly corrected himself. And gave the doctor one of his: 'are you satisfied' looks.

Halstead smiled at him as he made his way over to Matt's bed, beginning to check all the monitors that showed many colorful lines and numbers. It was hard to believe that these digits and moving curves described his friend's condition, but Kelly was okay with it, as long as there was no alarm. So, he decided not to concentrate too much on the screens but the body in front of him.

Kelly watched Will listening to his friend's lungs. Matt's body didn't move an inch. Not one muscle twitch was evident.

A strange feeling of Deja vu came over Severide. It wasn't long ago that he had to watch Halstead examine an unconscious Casey. The only difference was that they were in the latter's bedroom, and the situation didn't seem quite so hopeless.

Kelly ran his hands over his face in frustration. It felt like he couldn't breathe. The sight of a sedated Casey was so unnatural and frightening that Kelly wanted to run out of the room immediately. Maybe the chief was right, and it was too much for him to handle. Severide almost regretted not having listened to him. But on the other hand, now he had the certainty he had wished for. Casey was still here, he was alive, and even if a machine breathed for him, he was still with him.

Halstead noticed the fear radiating from Severide and asked, "you okay?"

Kelly cleared his throat and responded with a weak nod. His vocal cords felt paralyzed, and he didn't dare to use them. Halstead seemed to understand but asked anyhow, "Any questions?" Severide remained silent, and Will asked, "Wanna go back?"

Again, only a slight shake of Kelly's head followed, and to give his decision more value, he put his hands on the wheels of his chair and rolled closer to the bed. He let his gaze wander over the still body again.

Finally, he managed to form an actual sentence, and with a weak voice, he mumbled, "he doesn't look hurt." Normally, if a firefighter got hurt, there was much more blood and nasty trauma involved, like open bone-fractures or something.

"I know," said Will. "But his body went through a lot and is trying to heal right now."

"He's not in any pain, is he," Kelly asked?

"No. He's heavily sedated with narcotics. He's sleeping, more or less."

Kelly nodded, "that's good."

He couldn't say that about himself. His head was buzzing, and his stomach was one big lump that cramped from time to time. Nausea that he had predicted himself finally made itself felt and left a slight glimmer of sweat on his skin. Kelly hoped the doctor wouldn't notice right away. He'd hate it, to have to admit, that the doctor had been right.

Severide was lost in this moment of mental despair, physical pain, and unpleasantries until he dared to ask the one question that had his heart constricted since he first learned about Casey's condition, "Can he go back?"

Will didn't immediately know what Kelly was talking about, but he managed to dive into Kelly's fears and figured, "you mean work as a firefighter?"

Kelly nodded his head weakly. He was afraid of the answer. But he also needed one. That's the reason he wanted Will with him. He couldn't have asked those things with Stella in the room.

Just like his boss, he thought of Vargas or Borelli. Hell, he thought of every single firefighter he had ever known who was being sent into early retirement. He had never had contact with any of them again. After Will didn't answer his question right away, Kelly had an idea what it would be. He bowed his head and covered his face with his hands. His shoulders began to shake slightly when the first tears started to fall.

Will walked over to him quickly and knelt before him.

"Hey Severide, look at me," he said in a calm tone. "We don't know anything yet. There's a good chance of him bouncing back from that. Total recovery, so that he can do what he's meant for."

Kelly didn't look up but kept listening to the other.

Will was adamant about keeping Severide's spirit on the positive side. So, he tried to focus them both on the future. "He certainly needs rehabilitation and respiratory therapy to be able to utilize his lung function again fully, but nothing has been decided yet."

Another shy nod.

"And there are medications that can help him. They can also make a big difference."

Kelly wanted to believe the doctor, but the sight in front of him kept pushing him into a darker place. Will sensed that, and he patted his shoulder, "Hey, don't give up on him yet. It looks so much worse than it is. He's doing good. Look at his heart rate and BP. All in the normal range. We did a blood gas half an hour ago. CO2 is decreasing, O2 is as good as it gets, which means he responds very well to the respirator. Which means he's getting better."

Kelly wanted to believe Will so badly, he really did, but his negative thoughts and the sheer exhaustion he felt as this horrible day came to an end got the better of him. Tears were falling without any humiliation at all. Severide would have been shocked and embarrassed a few weeks ago to get so damn emotional, but he could tell the last month or so, he'd changed. The constant battle with Casey to get the other one to open up left him with a new awareness of his own emotions. Much more than he ever had. Even if he wasn't thrilled about falling apart in front of someone, he didn't try to hide it anymore. So, he sat there in this cold ICU-room in his wheelchair and cried. Will held back and said nothing more. Now and then, he stroked Kelly's back to let him know that he wasn't alone, and the firefighter was thankful to him.

After what felt like an oddly long time, but had only been three to six minutes, his tears finally subsided, and Kelly could feel a new emotion creep upon him. This one he knew very well and had dealt with it for a good amount of his youth and young adult life: anger.

Severide became angry at Matt for once more taking the selfless, risky way to save someone. Mad at Boden and Stella for keeping him in the dark. Angry at Will for almost keeping him away from Casey and trying to convince him that everything was going to be fine, even if Matt was lying in front of him with a breathing tube stuffed down his throat.

But to be honest, the most anger he felt was directed at himself. And so, Severide wiped his tears away harshly and balled his hand into a fist. He felt like hitting himself, but instead, he just knocked on the armrest of his wheelchair.

"He should never have been there. I should have stopped him. I knew he wasn't in his right mind. I never should've let him leave the station."

Will sighed deeply, "I know."

That caused Kelly finally to look up, "What?"

"Believe me, Severide. I'm more to blame than you are."

Kelly looked at the doctor in amazement, "what the fuck are you talking about?"

Will straightened up and pulled a chair next to Kelly's wheelchair, and sat down.

"I shouldn't have cleared him for work the other day. If it is someone's fault, it's mine. And I'm very sorry."

For a while, both men sat in silence. Each burdened with their own guilt.

Finally, Kelly spoke first, "You think that the pneumonia from the vodka-incident has caused him more trouble? I mean, for his lungs?"

Will sighed, "It's hard to tell. Images were clean, so the inflammation wasn't an issue anymore."

Kelly sensed the doctor's uncertainty, "but?"

Will contemplated for a second, "but his system has been weakened by it. And you know better than anyone how Matt struggles with food and sleep these days. Let's just say he could've been stronger."

"Yup, that's what I thought," Kelly sighed.

"But I think, either way, he would have ended up at the ICU. After such a bad form of smoke poisoning, it's almost inevitable to put the patient on a respirator."

"Will it affect his recovery," Kelly asked? "Or rather, is it possible that this pneumonia could increase the chance that he's not going to make a full recovery? Could this be the reason he can't be a firefighter anymore?" Severide really hoped that that wasn't the case.

Having to tell Casey, he may lose everything, that keeps him going, because of one dumb mistake, wasn't something Kelly was looking forward to. Especially after giving Matt a hard time about his latest drinking habits all along. It would almost feel like a confirmation of Kelly's interpretation, including a punishment he would never have sought out for his friend ever.

Will sighed once more before he admitted, "these are all not easy questions you're asking."

"But it's important to me," Severide told him. "I need to know."

"Okay," started Will. He had to be careful not to crush Severide's hopes again. "I'm pretty sure that if Casey's lungs are damaged so badly that he can no longer work, it is not because he had pneumonia."

"You're sure?"

"I'm positive. Look, Casey suffered from one aspiration pneumonia, which had been treated with antibiotics and lots of bed rest. He doesn't have any chronic lung diseases. His lungs were healthy when he entered that fire."

"Okay, if you say so." Severide was pleased but far from happy about it.

Halstead shook his head and continued his musing. "But still, even if his lungs were healthy when he walked into this fire today, he was in no condition to do so. And that's what bugs me. And that is where I am to blame."

"I know what you mean," Kelly agreed, consumed with his own guilt.

"We argued today. Well, more of a fight, really." Kelly recalled their encounter in Matt's office just minutes before the call.

He looked at Casey when he told Will, "that's what we do. We yell at each other, and later we talk it out, more or less." He sighed, "just didn't reach the talking part today."

Will had to smile, "Sounds familiar. Jay and I are the same.

"Your brother the detective," Kelly stated more than asking the other?

Will nodded, "as long as I can remember, he's been the biggest pain in my life."

"But you love him," Kelly continued for him.

"With every cell in my body, man."

"I don't have a real brother. I have half-brothers with whom I have no contact. They're younger than me. A sister who means a lot to me. And I have this idiot here," and he pointed at Casey.

"He means a lot to you too, doesn't he," Will stated?

"More than I'd like. Apparently, more than is healthy for me," he puffed in annoyance before he could cover his mouth with his hand.

Will immediately jumped up and got an emesis basin and held it under Kelly's head. "Here, spit it out," he said, stroking Severide's back lightly as Severide began to retch again. Kelly knew, being up for so long and looking at his fallen friend didn't do him any good. His head felt ready to explode, and his stomach was one big brick.

"Damn it," Kelly sighed when he finished. "If you say 'I told you so,' be warned that next time I'm not using this basin, but your fancy doctor-sneakers."

His breathing seemed slightly strained, and his gaze was a little unsteady.

"How's the pain," asked Will? He got up and walked over to a medicine cart. When he came back, he asked again, "Kelly? Pain scale?"

"Huh, yeah, pretty high," he admitted.

"Okay, I think visiting hours are over." He pushed Kelly's sleeve up and administered a drug into his venous cannula. He let Kelly know, "that should help with the nausea."

Kelly closed his eyes for a minute and mumbled, "thanks."

"Okay, buddy, I think it's time to go. You need rest, and sitting here, crying isn't that." Halstead's voice sounded urgent, and Kelly knew he had to put up a fight once more.

"No, I'm good," he said with as much honesty he could muster. "I want to stay. I can't leave him, not yet."

Will took out his penlight and was about to shine it into Kelly's eyes, but the other one turned his head away.

"I swear, if you blind me again with that torture stick, I'll punch you."

"It's simple, Severide, really. If you want to stay here, then I'm going to make a quick evaluation. And if you pass, I'll consider letting you stay a bit longer. Got it?"

Kelly knew that Halstead wasn't joking and that he had to obey. So, he grumbled and let Will do it, "Okay, do your doctoring stuff, but I'm not going anywhere. Just to be clear."

"We'll see," Will let him know.

After he was done, he said, "sorry, pal, but it's time to go. Your pupils are sluggish, and I can tell how much pain your head is causing you right now. I really think you should lie down."

"Please, Halstead," Kelly pleaded.

"You can't do anything for Casey at the moment. He's sleeping, and don't worry. I'll come to check on him regularly. I'm staying the night. I promise you; I take care of him."

Kelly frowned at him but wasn't going to let it go. "I know that. And I'm grateful, but it's not that. I know I can't do anything, but I ... I don't know. I just want to stay."

"I get it, Kelly. But as your doctor, I should warn you that you're harming yourself right now. You've got a massive concussion. That's not something you want to ignore."

"Believe me, I don't ignore anything," huffed Kelly. "Actually, it's hard to ignore."

"Then let me bring you back to your bed and try to catch some sleep," Halstead offered. "And I'm checking on you later and bring you updates on how he's doing."

"Will, please," Kelly begged, "if it would be Jay, what would you do?"

That got the other one thinking, and he bowed his head with a defeated sigh, "Okay, half an hour."

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Kelly smiled weakly, "and don't worry, I'm not gonna sue you if I drop dead."

"Oh, that's a relieve then," Will laughed and added a bit of sarcasm, "I guess, then stay as long as you want. Cause I'm just concerned about my reputation."

"Everything is so fucked up," said Kelly changing the subject and bringing the focus back to Matt, "but Casey got through so much shit, he'll get through this too."

"You're right," replied the doctor, "I've not known him as long and well as you do, obviously. But I know one thing, your girlfriend was right when she said he's strong. And I guess that's what matters."