A/N: I feel so mean! But you asked for hurt and I was in the mood for tears apparently. There seemed to be a lot of angry reviews yesterday sorry about that. Hope you enjoy the redepmption. :)

Chapter 50

When Merlin had decided to go inside, he flicked the kettle on, on his way past and went into the living room to light the fire there. He left it to warm up and returned to the kitchen to finish making himself a mug of tea. But when he got back into the lounge, the fire wasn't on. He frowned, put his mug down and went over to investigate. He fiddled with the little dial that controlled it, turned it off and on again multiple times and then sat up and sighed.

Just as he leant forward to try one last time, his hand turning the gas up to full power, the chimney above him started to rumble. Making the stupid mistake of looking up to find the source of the noise, he was met with a face full of dust and a brick which hit him square in the head and knocked him to the floor.

Arthur and Matt's voices were a comfort when he woke up. Arthur's presence always made him feel safe. But his throat felt raw and hot and his body was crushed under something. It was a pain he hadn't felt in a long time but was perfectly familiar with. And when he called out for Arthur and no one responded, Merlin began to panic. He couldn't breathe properly, his chest was tight and he was terrified. His lungs were failing and there was definitely something stuck in his windpipe preventing him from taking any breaths. Not to mention the fact he couldn't feel his lower body at all.

But without Arthur there, he didn't feel there was much to hang on to and soon, the lack of air took over his brain completely.

It had finally happened. After everything he'd ever been through Merlin had finally lost a battle. He knew because he'd never experienced something like this before. Like he'd woken up trapped in a big black box where he couldn't see anything or feel anything. And he'd been in practically every situation imaginable, including knocking on death's door more than a few times. Never had he felt like this though.

For a while, it felt almost peaceful, calming. Like it was finally a way out of all the horrors of his past. But then, an awful pressure had started bouncing against his chest and Merlin realised that it was hurting him. Not just physically but emotionally. These hits to his chest were important. And then, his throat began to feel tight like it was a straw having all the air sucked out of it. But there seemed to be something in the straw. A lemon pip or a pea or something. And that object was making it's way up the straw towards the opening- Merlin's mouth. His lips were tingling and hot, all the things he shouldn't be able to feel, he suddenly started to feel again. And then there was the voice. The voice he'd do absolutely anything for.

"We came as soon as Matt called, what ha- oh god, please no."

Guinevere and Lancelot ran over to where Morgana and Freya were slumped against a wall in A&E. They were both sobbing and wailing and clinging to each other tightly.

"No," Lancelot repeated, looking through the windows to investigate and then- when he saw something he'd never ever wanted to see- grabbing onto Gwen and turning her away as if trying to protect her. But she knew. Of course she knew. Lancelot's shoulder was already soaked.

The arrival of two more people had Lancelot gently lowering Gwen into a seat and running over to intercept, "Gwaine stop, no."

"Why? What happened?"

"What's going on?" Percival asked.

Gwaine's eyes slowly moved from the two girls on the floor to Gwen sitting trembling on the chair and Lancelot's broken eyes. He roared and fought past Lancelot to get to resus. Percival stared at Lance who was trying to hold back tears. "Is it true?"

Lancelot nodded and both of them broke.

A few minutes later, Arthur was wrestled out of resus and he and Gwaine were escorted out of the building by security. Percival followed after them. Lancelot went over to the girls and sat beside his wife who seemed to be in shock. Her tears had stopped but she was staring off into space distantly.

It didn't phase them when several doctors ran past and barged their way into resus. Because it never occurred to them that it might be the dead body of their best friend that they'd be going to treat. But when a bed was rolled out of the room with a multitude of people surrounding it looking terrified and all doing several jobs, Lancelot looked up.

"Merlin?" he stood and walked alongside the bed, "Where are you taking him?"

"To surgery," the doctor tried to push him away.

"Why? What's going on? He died?"

"He's still alive."

Lancelot stopped walking and watched the bed move away. He was one hundred percent certain that just before the lift doors closed, Merlin's chest rose.

"Where's Arthur?" he ran back towards the girls, "Where did he go?"

"Lance, honey-"

Lancelot sprinted outside and over to the bench where Arthur, Gwaine and Percival were sitting so fast, he was almost convinced he teleported. The girls were hot on his heels in concern.

"Arthur, he's alive!" Lancelot yelled.

Gwaine looked up with murder in his eyes, Percival raised an eyebrow and behind him, Freya gasped. But Arthur didn't move.

"Arthur, listen to me! Merlin isn't dead, they're taking him to surgery."

Gwaine stood up and stepped towards him threateningly, "It's not funny," he growled.

"You think I'm joking?" Lancelot yelled, "You think this is something I'd joke about? I'm his best friend!"

"Were. You were his best friend. He's gone."

"He's not, I'm telling you," Lancelot insisted, "I saw it myself. Ask one of the nurses! He's alive, I swear it."

Still, Arthur hadn't moved.

"Arthur," Lance knelt down in front of him, "Please. I promise, Merlin's still alive."

"Shut up!" Arthur suddenly snapped, "You don't understand so just shut up."

Lancelot recoiled.

"You're all so perfect," Arthur shouted, "Married with kids, happier than anything. That's not what's it's like for us. All we have is each other. No parents, no kids. Just me and him. And he has been through hell. Time after time, he's been hurt or got sick and we've waited in there, thinking 'he always pulls through, he'll be ok.' But it doesn't matter to any of you! What would losing him do to you? Nothing. I watched him die today when I should have been there to save him. That's not something any of you will have to feel guilty about. That was me.

"He's dead, Lancelot. I don't know what you saw, but you are severely mistaken. He won't come back."

And with that, Arthur got up and ran away from the hospital.

Everyone stared after him, not knowing what to do or say or even think.

"Were you telling the truth?" Morgana asked Lancelot, "Is he really alive?"

"I swear to you, the doctors took him into surgery and he was breathing. On my life."

Gwaine vanished inside to investigate.

"What do we do about Arthur?" Percival asked awkwardly.

"He's in shock," Morgana said, "He can't process anything. Don't take what he said to heart."

Lancelot shook his head, "I know."

"I'll find him," Morgana promised, "Go back inside, call me with any updates."

She didn't have time to be relieved. Mere minutes ago she'd been completely broken beyond repair. In a way this felt worse. Merlin's death had been final no matter how heart-breaking. But this, him in surgery with none of them knowing what had happened aside from the fact he was alive while Arthur was missing still convinced Merlin was dead. There were a lot of emotions to deal with and push aside that she didn't have time to deal with or push aside.

She seriously hoped Arthur wasn't running wherever it was he was going. She was probably a faster runner than him but if she set off in the wrong direction while he was running the other way, there was no way she'd find him. Part of her wanted to call Arthur but she was almost certain he wouldn't answer to her or anyone else who had watched him blow up and shout at them all.

So instead she got her phone out and called Leon, "I need you to try and contact Arthur. Please, you have to find out where he is. Call him, track his location, hack his phone, I don't care how, please, just find out where he is."

"Of course I will, but Morgs why? What's happened?"

"He ran off, he thinks Merlin's dead."

"Merlin's dead?" Leon repeated in horror.

"No! Not anymore, we don't know what's going on. But Lancelot swears he's alive and they took him to surgery but Arthur thinks it's a joke and he won't listen to us and Gwaine's angry at Lance and Freya's a mess-"

"Morgana, slow down. Matt's calling Arthur now, what do we need to say to him?"

"I don't know, you just have to convince him that Merlin's alive. He'll probably shout at you but please try and get through to him. I'm looking for him now, but we don't know where he went, he could be anywhere! Is he picking up?"

"No, Matt can't get through."

Morgana cursed, "Where would he have gone?"

"I don't know, Morgs, we'll keep trying, I promise."

She stayed on the phone but continued to look around the streets until Leon's voice started again.

"We still can't get him to pick up," he told her, "But Morgana, listen, he has to go back to the hospital at some point. He might be upset and angry now but he will come back. Even if he thinks that it's to say goodbye or deal with… stuff. He'll show up and I swear we'll keep trying to reach him but its doing you no good to be out searching like this. Who's with Merlin?"

"Everyone- Gwaine, Percy, Lance, Gwen and Freya. I don't have to be there, I can keep looking."

"He doesn't want to be found."

"Tough," Morgana snapped, turning yet another corner and barging past people as she ran without an apology, "This is important. He's alone and he's suffering. Have you checked his phone location?"

"It's not turned on."

"I can't search the entire city!"

"Then don't. Go back to the hospital and get an update to give Arthur when you find him. I'll call Elyan to tell him what happened. Morgs, did he actually…"

"Die? Yeah. The doctors called it and everything."

"Then how-"

"I really don't know."

"Ok. Call me as soon as you know anything."

"I will. Love you."

"I love you."

Morgana headed back to the hospital slowly, still with her eyes peeled for any signs of Arthur. Just as she was turning the corner which would lead to the hospital entrance, she caught sight of someone sitting against her car and sighed.

She got her phone out again and headed over to Arthur slowly. After firing a quick text to Leon, she called Lancelot. "Is there a doctor around who could give Arthur an update?"

"You've found him?"

"Yeah. But I think there's more of a chance of him listening to a doctor than me or you."

"Yeah, hang on two secs."

Morgana sat beside Arthur and put her phone onto speaker.

"This is Dr Richards is anyone there?"

"Yes, thank you, go ahead."

"Mr Pendragon is still in surgery but he's also still alive. I just got an update from one of the surgeons in there with him, he'd inhaled some large chunks of dust and debris which got stuck in his trachea and stopped him from breathing. That's a good thing in terms of his lung conditions because it meant he didn't take in much gas at the scene. But that's also what caused his cardiac arrest."

"So how is he alive again now?" Morgana asked, glancing at Arthur who was staring at the phone blankly.

"Ordinary CPR and defibrillation didn't move the debris from his windpipe and we didn't know it was there. But when his husband attempted further, more violent ways," the doctor struggled with wording, "Meaning slamming against his chest and yanking out the intubation tube- he dislodged some of the dust and gave him an airway to start breathing again."

"But his heart was stopped," Arthur said numbly, showing he had been listening to everything.

"When we noticed he was trying to breathe, we managed to get his heart started again with a couple of shocks. He's in surgery to remove the remaining debris and repair the damage to his throat."

"Did I hurt him? By taking the tube out?"

"Yes. It did considerable damage. But you also saved his life."

"Thank you doctor," Morgana said, "We'll be there soon." She put her phone away and looked at Arthur, "He's alive. Because of you, Arthur, you saved him."

"I thought I killed him," Arthur broke down again and collapsed into Morgana's side.

"He's ok," Morgana held her brother, "He's going to be ok."

"We have to go to him," Arthur said, shooting to his feet, "The burns and his head and the brick in his stomach, I have to know about that."

"Ok." Morgana stood up too, "Let's go."

Merlin had, in some ways, been lucky. By breathing in all the dust and broken bits of brick and concrete when the chimney first collapsed, he'd effectively sealed off his airway to most air which prevented him from breathing in all the gas from the fireplace, something which almost certainly would have killed him. Obviously it also meant he'd had minimal oxygen for over an hour which, coupled with the head injury from a falling brick meant they were very unsure of what his mental state would be like when he woke up. There could be considerable brain damage. The burns were serious but not life-threateningly so and blood loss had been kept to as little as possible. His breathing would be awful considering the damage to his trachea. But his lungs were fine which everyone was beyond relieved about. Damage to them could have been fatal. More fatal.

It was worrying- very worrying. The last time he'd had burns like this, he'd lost a leg. And with blood loss, a head wound and lack of oxygen all being present, the chances of brain damage were almost certain. Arthur was stuck in a horrible mental place. For the past few hours he'd been sitting in the waiting room with his friends in silence, constantly worrying. He hated himself for leaving Merlin alone in the house while he was injured and crushed under a wall with a gas leak. He despised the fact that Merlin had been awake and known Arthur had been there but he'd still abandoned him.

But he'd also saved Merlin's life. If Arthur hadn't dislodged the debris and breathed air into him, Merlin would be dead. The doctors had called it. Time of death 13:54. Arthur watched it happen. So Merlin was lucky Arthur's desperation had, however unknowingly, saved him even after the doctors had given up. That made him exceedingly proud. Like he'd caused something and prevented it within a couple of hours.

Now though, he just felt useless. There was no one to call. Morgana was keeping Leon updated who, in turn, was relaying information to Matt. Gwen was texting Elyan and Mary regularly so they were in the loop. And obviously no one needed to be calling Hunith. Everyone else was there. So Arthur was sitting silently with all his fingers crossed, praying that he'd done enough and Merlin would be ok.

"We haven't heard anything in a while," Gwaine worried, "Should we go and ask?"

Arthur didn't bat an eyelid. This was the fifth time Gwaine has said that in the past half hour.

"Mr Pendragon?"

Morgana nudged her brother when he didn't react to the entrance of a policeman.

"Yes?"

"The fire in your house was put out and the gas leak repaired. The damage didn't spread past your living room but we don't recommend going back for a few days until it's been cleared by the gas company. Just because the gas has been cut off, doesn't mean it's safe to go in yet."

"Ok."

"Have you got somewhere to stay?"

Arthur nodded as if he had any intention of leaving the hospital.

"Ok. I'll have someone contact you about everything."

"Thank you."

Freya moved to sit beside Arthur. "Merlin's the last one I have left," she said quietly, "He raised me. And he's been through a lot but I never, ever thought I'd watch him die."

Arthur stood up and walked out of the room. Morgana reached across and put her hand on Freya's arm with a reassuring smile.

Bout ten minutes later, Arthur returned to the room with a tray of coffee for everyone which he handed out. "I'm sorry I lost my temper. It was selfish of me. This is difficult for all of us." He hugged Lancelot when he reached him, "I'm so sorry."

"You've got other things to worry."

"Gwaine," Percival said, "We have to pick up Eira from school."

"You go, I'm staying."

"Gwaine."

"I'll come," Gwen offered, "I need to get Will. We can get Belle and Luke for you while we're there."

"Thank you. Take them back to ours, might as well keep them all in the same place. I'll call Leon."

It was times like this when they were extremely glad the children all went to the same school.

When it was just Gwaine, Lance, Freya, Morgana and Arthur left, they all moved closer together so they were taking up less space. They must have looked really creepy when a doctor came in because all off them raised their heads sharply at exactly the same time.

"Merlin's out of surgery," she said.

"Is he ok?"

"He's in recovery. We'll monitor him for a few more hours then take him to the ICU and you'll be able to see him then."

"The anaesthetic," Arthur said, "Did he react to it?"

"Not at all," the doctor came over to sit with them, "We've cleared his airway of all the debris and got him on a breathing support until his trachea heals enough for him to breath on his own. The brick from his abdomen was removed, thankfully it wasn't sharp enough to cause anything but superficial damage."

"And the burns?" Arthur asked, "He lost a leg to burns like that."

"We're keeping an eye. Chances are infection are high given the dust from the scene but we're not even slightly worried about amputation. It won't get that far," she assured him.

"And brain damage? They said it's likely."

"We don't know yet. We didn't have to operate on his head, just stitch it up."

"But is it likely?" Gwaine asked.

The doctor nodded sadly, "Do you have any other questions?"

"If there's damage to his throat, is it safe for the tube to be down it?"

"Do you know what a tracheostomy is?"

Arthur looked up in shock and his hand subconsciously drifted to his throat. "How long for?"

"Until he doesn't need it anymore."

"Is he going to live?" Freya asked shakily.

"It's too early to tell. But he survived the surgery which is a really good sign, ok? We'll take it a bit at a time."

"How long until we can see him?"

"Not too much longer."

"When will he wake up?"

"It's too hard to tell," she stood up, "I'll come back when you can see him. You should all get something to eat."