Chapter 49

A FARCE, I say!

-ARNOLD-

And just like that, we were back together.

Or should I say "back together."

On paper, I was still with Shaia, and not with Helga. But as far as any of my friends were aware, Helga and I had been reunited in a passionate, torrid embrace. And to those aware that I had been with Shaia, I had unceremoniously dropped her to be with my one true love, and to those who weren't, she had never been anything more than a friend.

On top of that, the moment that it became clear that she was available and Helga was not, Arnie had swooped in and somehow become her new suitor, before she'd even been aware of it. Of course, it was clear to me that Arnie had no real interest in Shaia, and was just dating her in some misguided attempt to arouse jealousy in Helga. I didn't think he had it in him… Arnie had always been very straightforward and blunt in his dealings in all the (admittedly small amount of) interactions I'd had with him. But, apparently, he was far more devious that I'd given him credit for. Which, admittedly, wasn't a lot of deviousness. "Dating" someone to arouse jealousy was amateur level at best. Even I'd been talked into doing it at one point. Ironically, by and with Helga. And that incident, for further irony, involved Arnie too.

Whatever the motivation, though, Shaia was the unfortunate victim. She'd been understanding about the whole thing so far – she had even encouraged it – but I feared that even someone as patient as she would eventually reach her limit.

Of course, "dating" Helga again meant that I had to actually date Helga… you know, to keep up appearances. Which wouldn't be that big a deal if Arnie wasn't tagging along everywhere. Somehow, he managed to track us down no matter where we went. I had a feeling he was spying on us to make sure we weren't faking it. Either that or he was a creep. I kind of hate thinking that about family, but he hasn't given me much reason to think otherwise.

Then again, I'd probably think that of anyone who tried to get close to Helga, whether she wanted it or not. It was shameful, it was possessive, but it was there and denying it was futile. It was hard to keep it internalized, even during family meals.

To make matters worse, Mom and Dad had finally arrived, and as far as they knew, Shaia and I were still an item. So now I had even more complications to deal with. Especially with Helga joining us for Christmas Dinner… such as it was…

"Look, I'm really sorry about all of this," I said to Shaia, once I was sure Arnie was nowhere in sight. "I'll make it up to you once he's gone, I promise."

"It's all right, Arnold. I understand."

"But you don't deserve this. Arnie can be really annoying, and now he's trying to use you to get back at me and make Helga jealous."

"Oh, do not worry. If he tries anything funny I shall simply perform the Taka-Fuh-Deh-Nutsu."

"And… that is…"

"It is the sacred rite a Green Eyes Maiden performs when one offers unwanted advances. It roughly translates to 'The removal of the offending balls."

I nearly choked on my drink. "You're saying you-"

"Castrate him, yes. Now, I left my ritual dagger at home, but I suppose I could improvise with one of your grandmother's kitchen knives."

"You… you wouldn't… I mean… sure, he- but y-" I stopped when I noticed her amused smirk. "…you're messing with me, aren't you."

"*chuckle* It should have been obvious. 'Taka-fuh Deh Nutsu?' Take-offa-da-nuts?" She smiled. "Seriously, though, if he tries anything, I can take care of myself. Don't worry about it." Okay, so it turns out that Shaia has a really twisted sense of humor. Kinda like someone else I know, actually…

"All right, yeah. I know, I know, I can be kinda over-protective. That's how I got into this whole mess in the first place. And now I have to spend the night pretending Helga and I are together for Arnie's sake, which means I'm going to have to explain to Mom and Dad why you and I are suddenly not together, and you know I'm gonna get an earful about commitment."

"I'm certain they will understand how you just could not deny the pull of true love."

"Just how are you this patient, Shaia? I'd probably be going crazy if I were in your shoes right now."

"Do not underestimate the lengths people will go for someone they care deeply about. Even if it hurts them."

Yeah. Like giving up your prized snowboots just to reaffirm someone's belief in miracles. "You're… kind of amazing, Shaia," I said.

"*giggle* Well, I'm no love goddess… or alien hybrid mutant, as the case may be… but I get by."

We kissed for the first time in days. It was something I needed. This conversation had reminded me just why I had developed feelings for the princess… she wasn't Helga, she never would be, but she shared a surprising number of qualities she had; she was brilliant, funny, and kind, though it often took great difficulty for Helga to show that kindness. "I hope this tides you over for tonight." I said.

"It helps. Though I am certain a traditional Christmas dinner with your extended family shall provide enjoyment of its own."

"…yeah… about that… Well, let's just say it'll be traditional, but probably not the kind of traditional you're expecting."

"Oh? And what do you mean by that?"

"Bon Mardi Gras, mes amis! Laissez le bon temps roulez!" Grandma proclaimed, tossing confetti around the house. She was dressed as a New Orleans burlesque dancer, to the regret of all, and wore a sequined purple, gold and green mask and feathered headband. The entire house was festooned in streamers, balloons and beads of the aforementioned traditional colors. Tantalizing aromas wafted from the kitchen (it turned out Lou was a talented Creole chef).

"Great to be back, isn't it?" Dad remarked, nudging mom. The two wore matching harlequin outfits.

"You know, when I first married you, I kind of missed having a traditional Christmas. Honestly, though, I can't even remember what they were like anymore.," replied mom.

Shaia, in a borrowed pirate outfit from Grandma's stash (it was a lot more flattering on her), commented. "You were right. This isn't traditional."

"Yeah, but it's fun, though. Especially when the games start,"

"Games?" Shaia rubbed her hands together. "Will there be prizes?"

"Probably just beads."

"Now, that's where you're wrong," Grandma interjected. "This year, the winner of the competition gets this Slaussen's gift certificate I won at bingo last week. Plus, most importantly, bragging rights."

"Now you are talking," Shaia declared. "I would like to announce that everyone here is… how do you say it… going down."

"No way!" retorted Mr. Hyunh. "There is no way I am going down for anyone here! It is you who will be going down for me!"

"Uh… phrasing!" Ernie commented. "Seriously, you really gotta watch that sorta thing!"

"What? Do I say it wrong? I am saying it will not be I who loses, but her!"

"No, see, what you said was… ah, never mind it's not important."

"Well, seein' as we're all here, let's start this travesty," Grandpa suggested.

"Actually, I invited one more person." The doorbell rang. "That's probably her now."

Sure enough, it was Helga at the door. For the occasion, she was dressed in a superhero costume and mask… not her usual one, but something more classic, bright primary colors, cape, and eight-pointed star emblem. It was very form-fitting. "Wow," I said. "You look… fantastic."

"Eh, it's no big deal. I raided Rhonda's cosplay closet. It's kinda tighter than I expected, but hey, it was free. Thanks for inviting me, by the way. I love your fam's weird-ass Christmasses."

"Hey." And all of a sudden seemingly out of nowhere, there was Arnie. I hadn't seen him in the room when I got there, I hadn't seen him enter it, but there he was, as if by magic. He had always had that uncanny valley effect, but lately his oddness was bordering on the supernatural. "You should probably kiss now. Seeing as you're together."

Mom looked confused. But aren't you-"

"Arnie," Shaia scolded, "you don't need to push them. I am sure Arnold needs no push to show Helga his love, correct?"

Hearing Shaia, my supposed girlfriend, endorse my and Helga's couplehood seemed to satisfy my parents for the moment, since neither continued to voice their confusion (though I'm sure it remained). I took her hand, ignoring how right it felt, how honestly I just wished we could pretend the whole breakup never existed. To be honest, if it hadn't been Helga's choice to break up to begin with, I would've been perfectly happy to keep up a long-distance relationship with her. Even after she had explained it to me, how it was some kind of attempt at personal growth, to get past some sort of dependence, I wasn't sure just why it had to be done. How was it a flaw to need someone? To have the kind of love where the absence of someone was spiritually painful? What was wrong with that kind of devotion? I just didn't see it. But, damn it, I just couldn't say no to her.

"So, ready for the festivities?" I asked her.

She sniffed the air. "I'm ready for whatever that is I'm smelling."

"That would be Gran'mere's jambalaya," Lou confirmed. "Old Teague family recipe."

"Well," she said, rubbing her hands together, "slap a napkin on me and get out of the way, because getting between me and jambalaya is a real bad idea."

"Well, you better save room for my beignets, or else I'm sendin' 'em home with you." Lou admonished.

"Don't threaten me with a good time, whoever you are. Seriously, who is this guy? He kinda looks like a younger Harvey…"

"That's probably be because I'm his nephew. Just moved here a couple of months ago from New Orleans."

"Huh. Harvey has a nephew. Did not know that. It's been way too long since I've been here."

"You always have a home away from home here at Camp David, Eleanor," Grandma assured.

"Hey. No gettin' all mushy on me, Gertie," Helga retorted. "You know I have a fatal allergy to sap."

Dinner was the lively, chaotic affar it usually was at the Sunset Arms, even moreso now that the family was complete. Other than jambalaya, there was shrimp etouffee, blackened redfish, and red beans and rice. Much of the dinner conversation consisted of the boarders probing Helga on everything under the sun, and Helga responding in her usual sarcastic manner. It was probably a mark of her abiding affection for the boarders that she was as patient as she was; I knew very well that when she was really uncooperative, it was almost impossible to pull information out of her.

When the meal came to a close, Grandma stood upon the table and shouted "Que les jeux comencent! I declare this competition begun! The teams will be as follows: Miles and Stella, Ernie and Oskar, Lou and Mr. Hyunh, Arnold and Helga, Arnie and Shaia, and Phil and someone named Gertie… wait, no, I'm pretty sure that's me. First up: Cornhole!"

Grandma had arranged a board with several holes cut into it, each labeled with a point value based on its size and the difficulty of landing a shot, respectively fifty, 100, 250, 500, 1000. Each team was given ten beanbags to throw, five each.

"First up, Lou and Oskar," announced Grandma

"Man, sucks to be you, Lou," commented Ernie. "Getting stuck with the dead weight and all."

"I'll show you who is dead weight, okay?" Oskar retorted, grabbing his five beanbags. He somehow managed to miss every shot… except the last one, which landed in the 1000-point hole. "Bože, nemohu tomu uvěřit.… I mean, see? I am an expert and the first four shots were just practice so I get another four."

"Nice try, Kokoshka, but your score stands.

The other teams took their turns, Mom and Dad managing the highest score. Helga and I were up next. Between the two of us, we landed a pretty respectable 3,800 points, taking the lead. "Well," Helga said confidently, "looks like we've got this in the bag, Football-head. Kinda feel sorry for Shaia, shackled to Mr. Personality over there…"

Shaia took her four shots, racking up a score of 1600. Then Arnie took his turn, and the family gaped in amazement as he effortlessly landed five perfect 1000-point throws, easily sealing the win for their team.

"Holy crap," muttered Helga. "How'd he get so good?"

"Cornhole is my middle name," Arnie stated dully.

"No kidding," I said. "I guess you must play it a lot if you're this good at it."

"I've never played this game before in my entire life," he replied.

"…but you just said Cornhole is your middle name…"

"Yeah. Arnold Cornhole Hoover. I thought you knew that."

"Your middle name… really is Cornhole," I repeated uncomprehendingly.

"Yeah, why, what's yours."

"Philip."

"Huh. Weird. *snort*"

There were more games as the rest of the night proceeded. We won a couple, we lost a couple, and it seemed like Grandma was scoring everything pretty arbitrarily. In the end, she declared a tie between the two teenage pairs.

"So… who gets the prize?" Helga asked, never one to pass up the opportunity for a free lunch.

"Hmm… well, I suppose you'll just have to share the gift certificate amongst yourselves." Grandma suggested. "Fifty dollars should be enough to cover all for of you. Why, back in my day, you could feed a party of twenty for that price."

Helga looked uncomfortable. "You know what… Arnie and Shaia can have it. I'm trying to watch what I eat these days, anyway." Okay, this was a surprise. Helga never watched what she ate. It was a little worrying, actually. Sure, her alien physiology could take a lot of abuse, both externally and internally, but there had to be limits, right? "That's if it's okay with you, sweetheart," she prompted.

"Um, sure, if that's what you want," I replied.

"Great, now if you'll excuse me, I really have to get going. I promised I'd watch It's a Wonderful Life with mom today. Not that I haven't had a wonderful time, but I made a promise.

"Okay, why don't I walk you over?" I volunteered, eager to get some alone time with her. I mean, sure we weren't really a couple, but I had to at least put in appearances, right? That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Once out on the street, she suddenly turned to me and said "Arnold, I'm not sure just how much longer I can take this bullshit."

"It's just until after New Years. Then Arnie's gone and-"

"-and so are you! Look, ordinarily, I'd be overjoyed to be spending as much time as half-humanly possible with you, but this… playacting for the sake of your weird-ass cousin is getting to me. And I bet it's getting to you too. And as much as Shaia acts like she's cool with this, I can tell you for a fact that it's getting to her too… not to mention that now Arnie is cozying up to her because he thinks it'll mess with my head!"

"I'm sure that's not-"

"Oh, get real, Arnoldo, you think so to, even if you won't admit it! Sure, to the naked eye, Arnie comes off as this harmless, lint-collecting, ingredient-reading, random-thing-counting eccentric, but he's got a devious side and you know it."

"…yeah, I know," I said. "This is a real mess, and I don't want to see Shaia hurt, but I-"

"…say it, Arnold."

"…I really, really don't want to see you hurt."

"There it is. So, Football-Head, where do you go from here?"

I looked her in the eyes. "What do you want?"

"I think we both know what I want. But it's not just up to me, is it? It takes two to tango. What do you want, Arnold."

For a moment, I had to look away. But deep down, I knew. "You. I want you, Helga. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be your eternal companion in life's great journey."

"…see, here's the problem. To do that, you have to hurt Shaia. And I don't think you have it in you to do that."

"…I mean, she'd understand…"

"She'd say she understands. She might even mean it. But I've seen the way she looks at you. This is more than like-like, Arnold. And she will pretend that she's not hurt, that it's all the will of the Goddess, that she bound me to you in her infinite wisdom, that she even marked me as yours by giving me her own form… but she will be hurt, just the same. And I know that you don't have it in you to hurt anyone. Hell, that's a big part of why I love you to begin with… that deep down, you just want everyone to be happy. Even if you're not."

"I could have been," I said. "I think… maybe in some alternate world where you and I never met, where mom and dad stayed in Central America and raised me there, Shaia and I would have been perfect together. But this isn't that world and you do exist, and even if I try to deny it there's no one else for me."

"So dump Shaia then."

"…"

"That's what I thought. Look… I like Shaia, okay? I didn't think I would, but do. And the last thing I want is for her to get hurt, but she is gonna, one way or another. Because I don't think you're going to be able to hide for long that you just don't feel the way about her that she does about you."

I sighed deeply. "I'm going to remind you again that breaking up in the first place was your idea."

Helga cracked a slight smile. "Contrary to popular belief, us avatars of Meso-American love goddesses are capable of making the occasional mistake."

"Are you saying, that if you could go back and change things, you would have stayed together with me?"

"Oh, don't get me wrong… I don't regret my choice, but paradoxically, it's given me the perspective to see that there was never really anything wrong with me to begin with. I just had to go through all this other crap to realize it. Don't tell Brainy that I equated him with crap 'cause he doesn't deserve that."

"So… what do we do now?" I asked again.

"We both know what we want. We can start from there. But you need to think hard about how to handle Shaia."

"What about… Arnie, though? He's not going to give up if this fake thing somehow becomes a real thing."

"We'll get to that when we get to it. For now, the ball's in your court."

"*sigh* Okay. I'll talk to Shaia… if I can get her away from Arnie."

"Make a point of it. The longer this is dragged out, the bigger a mess it'll become."

A.N.: Next: Well, it looks like we're on the road back to Shortaki, but things never go easy, do they?

Rosali (sorry this is in English, it's just easier for me): Here's the thing with Shaia; most of these alternate love interests tend to go in one of two directions: boring (to make Helga/Arnold look better), or annoyingly perfect but hiding a toxic streak (to make Helga/Arnold look better, and to make Arnold/Helga a victim that needs rescuing). With Shaia, I wanted to avoid all that and present someone who could easily have been a good match for Arnold, if Helga wasn't already perfect for him. I don't know if I succeeded, but that was my intention. Shaia is not meant to be a hate-sink for the shippers, but a character with her own motivations and desires.

Jose: Arnie is basically a funhouse mirror-reflection of Arnold, himself a pretty eccentric guy who uses carrier pigeons, likes 40's big band music, and is just generally odd in a lot of ways, but also is a lot more savvy than he appears on his surface.

Veganmama: How do you feel about the developments this chapter?

Next: Auld Acquaintance