Chapter 50
Auld Acquaintance
Lloyd Mansion, New Years' Eve
-HELGA-
"Hey all you hepcats an' hepkittens, Nocturnal Ned here takin' you through the final hours of the year. It's been a long strange trip, but we're almost there. Comin' up, it's time to tango with Django, followed by catchin' Tigran by the tail, and some Ambrose for all my sisters and bros."
Déjà vu, all over again. I started this particular chronicle nearly seven months ago with Arnold en route to the Princess's house for a party, and now, here we were again… although the situation had changed a lot. Oh, sure, this was a "date" on paper, but we weren't officially together. Officially, Arnold was still with his new girlfriend. She was here too, but on a "date" with someone else… Arnold's funhouse-mirror cousin, Arnie, who was only with her to get to me, but I'm only with Arnold right now to get him away from me, and it's all a whole big mess.
The truth was, ever since Arnold had returned, started to wonder why the hell I had even broken up with him in the first place. Oh, I had told myself at the time that it would be better for both of us, he would be free not to worry about me and I would be free to work on making myself a more complete person, whatever the hell that means… I even tried the whole rebound romance. And for a while, it worked. I was doing okay, living maybe not my best life, but a pretty good one.
And then he came back, and suddenly once again, Arnold was on my mind 24/7 and no matter how much I threw myself into other things, he still burrowed his way into my thoughts and wouldn't get out no matter how much I tried. My new relationship collapsed because I stopped putting any effort into it. But it came with a revelation; there was nothing wrong with being in love with someone to the point where he occupied all your thoughts. It was only a problem if you made it a problem, if you let it motivate you in the wrong ways. Love drove me. But I used to let it drive me to all the wrong places. I just have to keep a close on my moral GPS so I don't let it lead me down any dark alleys of my soul.
And so, here we were, in the Packard, with Arnold in the driver's seat (he actually had a legal San Lorenzo license, which apparently was good enough for Grandpa to trust him with his most prized possession). Not that I was worried. This was Arnold, after all. He could no more disobey traffic laws than he could rat out friends or shoplift.
Arnie and Shaia shared the back seat. Shaia, for her part, seemed as game as she usually was, and Arnie hadn't made any aggressive moves toward her that I'd noticed (but then, it wasn't her she was interested in, was it?). Good for him, because if he had, I'm not really responsible for what I'd do to him. Or what she would (according to Arnold, the Princess wasn't nearly as demure and passive as she came off; I'd have to ask him about some of their adventures someday).
"So, how's it feel to finally get to drive the Packard?" I asked.
"Right," he said. "It feels… right."
"I bet. Everything about this car just screams 'Arnold'. Eccentric, seriously out of date, playing music from guys who have been dead forever."
He blushed. "They're not all dead. Nocturnal Ned is literally right in the middle of a set featuring the latest up-and-comers in the genre…"
I gave hm a playful punch. "Relax, Football-head, I'm just messing with you. If you weren't just that slightest bit odd, I wouldn't be into you like I am. Someone as weird as I am needs someone with just the right amount of weird to offset their own weirdness."
"That's kinda… weirdly romantic."
"Only way I know how to be romantic. Weirdly."
"What about you?" asked Shaia, who for some reason felt that trying to talk to Arnie was a good idea. "What kind of music do you like?"
"I like the stuff they play on the in-between stations." he replied in his usual monotone. "I forget what the actual genre is called..."
…okay, it was probably the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't help myself. I just had to know what his mental process was. "In-between-stations? You mean the stations between the stations that actually exist?"
"Exactly," he replied.
"So… you're talking about... static."
"Oh yeah," he said, snapping his fingers. "That's what it's called. I don't know which part I like more, the melody or the lyrics."
"…oh, my god…" I said, rolling my eyes. Arnie certainly was a… unique case.
"Think you could put some on now?" he continued.
"Oh, I'm really sorry," Arnold replied. "I'd love to, but the knob on this radio is stuck, so this is kinda the only station we can listen to."
"That's okay," Arnie said. "I brought a CD. I'll ask Rhonda to play it at the party. I really want to share it with everyone.
"Oh, of course," I remarked. "I'm sure she'll be really open to that."
"Arnold! Helga! Shaia! …Arnie…"
Rhonda's enthused greetings were pretty much as expected. The state of the party was not. I'd expected the foyer to be decorated to the nines for the occasion, but if anything, the place was understated. There were a couple of snack tables laden with treats of course, but I'd expected the place to be done up in enough streamers and balloons to choke multiple horses. "Pretty spartan decoration, Rondalloid", I commented.
"Oh, haven't you heard the latest episode of the Partyplanners Playbook podcast?"
I gave her a who do you think you're speaking to raised eyebrow. "There's a new episode out? How on earth did I miss that?"
Ignoring the sarcasm, Rhonda continued "Big, splashy decorations are out. Minimalism is the new hotness. A good party doesn't need fancy decorations, it speaks for itself."
"And as soon as they're back in again, you'll be right back to going overboard, right?" Phoebe from outta fuckin' nowhere teased.
"Well, of course, a girl can't get left behind, can she?" Sometimes it's almost impossible to tell when she's being ironic.
"Pheebs!" I interjected, hugging her. Phoebe gets hugs. Always. Regardless. "When'd you get back?""
"Earlier today. I kind of barely had time to get ready, but who am I to miss this?" She squinted. "Is that Arnie?"
"Don't ask." I said. "I'm trying to pretend he's not here."
"So, we've got food, we've got music-"
"Speaking of music, I want you to play this CD," Arnie interrupted, thrusting it into Rhonda's hands.
"Oh, how generous," Rhonda replied half-heartedly. "What is it?"
"Static," Arnie stated flatly.
"Oh, is that one of your local indie bands?" she asked.
"No," he replied. "It's static."
"Well, I'll see if I can fit it in," she lied, leading the group into the ballroom, where most of the rest of the class was already dancing to music supplied by Brainy on turntables, Lila on guitar, and Laura Alvarez on drums.
"HELGA!" a tiny voice shrieked, glomping my lower body.
"Awp! Tiny hands! My one weakness!" I yelped.
"Guess what, Helga!" Rhia declared. "Tonight I'm gonna stay up 'til midnight!"
"Is that so?" I indulged.
"Yeah. Rhonda thinks I'm gonna fall asleep before it's even nine o'clock but I'm gonna show her. I bet she falls asleep first."
I smirked. "Oh, I bet you're gonna. Easy."
"Don't encourage her, Helga. She's just gonna get all overtired and cranky and I'm the one who's gonna have to deal with it."
"Will not," Rhia pouted. "Rhonda just doesn't think I can handle a party for big kids."
"You can't," Rhonda stated flatly. "You're four. This is too much for you."
"Nuh-uh!" protested Rhia. "I can dance just like the big kids! Hey Football-Head! Dance with me!"
Arnold went bright red upon hearing Rhia use my nickname for him. I tried to stifle a chuckle, failed, and just gave up. "Helga, what have you been teaching her?" Phoebe remarked.
"Who me?" I said innocently.
"Um… I'm really flattered, Rhia," Arnold said, "but I'm sure Helga would be upset if I danced with another girl…" Arnold reasoned.
"Oh, I don't mind sharing," I answered politely. "Have fun!" Shaia, Nadine, Phoebe and Rhonda snickered. Nothing like a boy enduring awkwardness to bring the laugh.
"You heard her! Move it, football-head!" Rhia said, pulling him along with as much strength as her preschooler body could muster, which was a surprising amount.
"*sniffle* They grow up so fast," I gushed, wiping away a mock tear. "All you can hope for is that you taught them right."
"Since you're free, maybe we can dance," Arnie suggested. Ohhh, shit, I forgot about him…
"Arnie!" Shaia suddenly announced, pushing herself between us. "I believe it is I who is your date, so perhaps you should be dancing with me." She grabbed his hand and pulled him out onto the dance floor. Wow. Taking one for the team. My estimation of the Green-Eye princess kept going up.
With Arnie temporarily out of my hair, I turned my attention back to Arnold. "Wow. Your sister's got some serious moves. I might be in trouble here," I told Rhonda.
"Well, of course she's got moves. She's a Lloyd. We're unmatched on the dance floor. Hmmm…" she snapped her fingers. "I think I just got an idea." She ran up to the bandstand, taking the microphone in hand. "All right, everyone! Can I have your attention? I think what we need to liven this party up is a little friendly competition. Couples' freestyle dance contest! Winner gets, um… (her eyes dart around) Oh, let's just go with two hundred bucks. Sadly, as host, I am not eligible… besides, it's already my money, why would I bother trying to win it? Who's first?"
Not to brag, but I'm actually a pretty good dancer. And two hundred bucks was two hundred bucks. "Hey, Arnold!" I shouted. "You wanna go first, or do you wanna let everyone else have some false hope before we crush their spirits?"
"I don't know… I already have a dance partner," he teased. "I think we have a pretty good shot at the prize."
"Y-you're dumping me?" I mock-stammered. "After all we've been through together?"
"Wait, stop!" Rhia demanded. "I didn't want it to be this way!" She turned to Arnold. "I'm sorry. I really do like you. But it just wouldn't work out between us. You're just way too old for me. Besides… my heart belongs to Wally."
"Oooh… shot down for a crocodile," I teased.
"He's an alligator!" insisted Rhia indignantly. "And he's very nice and handsome and a great singer!"
"There's no shame in losing to a superior opponent," Arnold replied, bowing out. "I guess it's you an me then."
"Oh… I don't know… you did just get dumped by a four-year-old," I teased.
"Helga…"
"I'm just messin' with ya! Seriously, it's just so easy."
"We'll go." Arnie stated suddenly.
Shaia seemed a bit surprised, but nodded. "Yes. We will go first."
"All right…" Rhonda replied, eyebrow raised in a what is going on here? expression. "Do you have any special music requests?"
"I believe I can work with whatever the DJ is currently playing," Shaia stated.
"You can play my CD," suggested Arnie.
"…yeah, that's not happening," dismissed Rhonda. "All right, couple number one, Shaia and Arnie!"
Shaia immediately took the floor and launched into a series of frenetic rhythmic gyrations that I recognized instantly. I'd first seen them the night after our efforts revived the Green Eyes, at the huge celebration thereafter. A gigantic feast had been thrown to celebrate the revival of the adults, and of course Arnold, Gerald and I had been the guests of honor. Let me tell you, these guys could throw a party. Best barbecued pork I'd ever had. Even Chubby's couldn't compete. And then, there was the entertainment, fire jugglers, dancers, music… think the ending of Return of the Jedi but turned up to 11.
The centerpiece had been an elaborate dance routine, with the dancers wearing giant Arnold and Helga heads. They really captured my unibrow. It was kinda wierd to see it captured in living color and larger than life. Shaia herself had been wearing the Helga head for the dance, and it was those moves that all those gathered were seeing now. With the exception of the three of us, none had ever seen them before, but from the way they were clapping, they liked what they saw.
The most surprising thing was that Arnie somehow managed to perfectly, flawlessly mirror her moves. Between this and his scores in the Christmas night Mardi Gras games at the Sunset Arms, I was beginning to wonder whether Arnie could possibly be some kind of Jason Bourne-esque superspy who could instantly replicate any physical feat through muscle memory programming. Nah, that was ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as alien mutants, otherdimensional magical artifact dealers, or space-bikers.
…on second thought, maybe there was something to my theory…
Once their routine concluded, Arnie walked directly up to us, nodded once, and walked off.
"…and that means…?" I asked.
"I think we just got served," replied Arnold. "Obviously, we can not let this stand." He nodded to me. "We have to answer the challenge. Got any ideas?"
I took his hand. "I was thinking… that song. You know the one."
"No, I don't."
"Yes you do. You know exactly the one I'm talking about." I leaned over and whispered in his ear. "24 hours until you diiiiiiiiie."
"Oh. OH." Arnold replied, grinning widely. "You think you can keep up with that?"
"You worry about yourself, Football-head." I walked over to the DJ station and whispered our song choice to Brainy. He nodded and keyed up the selection.
1, 2, 3
Unh! Watch me! Hey!
Watch me! Heeeey!
What followed was a dance so chaotic words could not begin to describe it. To this day 'm not quite sure how we managed to execute it so perfectly.
Now you think, you got to put me down
Now you think, you got to push me all around
But wait!
Don't hit me!
I'll hit me!
I'm CRAZY!
Now, by "perfect", I don't mean pretty. Oh, no. Food was thrown. Tables were knocked over.
To the brim!
Hey alright
Gotta gotta, come on
Got to feel it. HUH! In yo' body.
Baby, man, HEY!
And at one point, I flipped Arnold up into the air. He caught the chandelier and swung back and forth while our host silently bargained with every deity she knew for it to hold, before he finally let go and cannonballed into my waiting arms.
I got a date
I got to, got to, got to break a plate.
…well, it was in the song, we had to! I hope they weren't expensive.
Don't hit me!
I'll hit me!
I'm CRAZY!
YEAAAAHHH!
The song over, we slid to a stop on our knees doing jazz hands. The group stared in awe; some of them had no idea what they had seen, since they hadn't been there that day, while others tried to process that they weren't misremembering what they had seen seven years ago, but in fact had just seen a replay, only twice as insane.
Then, everyone broke into applause, except for Arnie, who just stared.
"Well," Rhonda declared, "I think that settles it. We have a winner. As long as you promise to never do anything like that again." she insisted sternly. "Seriously. That was frightening."
"So… …the two hundred dollars?" I asked.
"Oh, that? That's going to pay for the plates you broke."
"…whoops. I guess we got a little, uh, carried away." Arnold admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.
"You think? Well, at least people'll be talking about it for a while, and that is what's really important," she reasoned.
"Uh, Helga?" Arnold asked. He wasn't looking at me when he spoke; rather, his eyes were focused in the direction of Shaia, who had been applauding with the rest of the group. "There's something I need to do. While I'm feeling bold."
I squeezed his hand. "She can take it, Arnold. Because she's awesome."
He nodded. "Yeah. She kinda is. And thanks for being so patient with me."
"You're worth waiting for. Meanwhile, I think I'll go reacquaint myself with my other true love, the buffet."
He walked off and I watched as he spoke to her for a moment. They then exited Rhonda's parlor for somewhere more private. I yearned to be a fly on the wall and see their conversation play out. But this was something they had to do on their own. I would just be a reminder of why it was happening.
Ah, well, there was always eating my feelings. One thing I will always give Rhonda credit for, she never skimps on the food. The centerpiece was a massive party sub from Green's laden with meats and cheeses. I hacked off a sizeable chunk and continued to fill out the plate with whatever else tempted me. Some giardiniera, a couple of seafood puffs, maybe a-
"Helga."
My fist snapped back out of reflex, but it was calibrated for Brainy's height out of habit, so it completely missed the smaller, more badly-postured Arnie. I whirled, angrily. "Criminy! Don't sneak up on me like that, you creepy little troll!"
"I can't help but notice that Arnold just went off with Shaia. Looks like he isn't as faithful as you hoped. You'll never have to worry about that with me. I will dedicate every waking moment of my life to you, my golden-haired Andromeda."
I did not have the patience for this. I was one breakup speech away from official on-paper reunion with my one and only love, and no matter how many mythological beauties Arnie compared me to, I found him about as attractive as month-old gas station sushi, and twice as stomach-turning. "Listen, Arnie, I have been very patient with you because you're Arnold's blood relative and he'd probably get really upset if I stomped you into something resembling roadkill, not to mention I already blew my prize money on Rhonda's stupid plates and I don't want to add carpet cleaning on top of that, but so help me, if you don't get out of my face, I will unleash horrors upon you that even Lovecraft couldn't conceive."
"I love it when you get literary, baby," Arnie said, utterly failing to be intimidated. He continued to advance on me. Despite my threat, I still didn't want to make a scene – well, more of one than I already had. Damn, I really have gotten soft. Back when I was nine, Arnie would've been face-first in the seven-layer dip by now.
"You're really getting on my nerves," I warned again. "Trust me. You're playing with fire."
"Maybe I want to get burned," he said, suddenly lunging. I don't know whether it was social restraint or just that the combination of shock at his audacity and blinding rage had somehow creating a strange state of paralysis, but I somehow didn't immediately murder him on the spot as his lips approached mine.
Oh, I definitely would have gotten to it, believe me, but it wasn't that that stopped him in his tracks. Rather, it was a brand new arrival…
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
You might have thought it was Lila who had objected. The voice was nearly identical. And had she not been one of the people gaping slack-jawed in amazement at the sudden intrusion, I would have thought so too.
But the truth was stranger than any of us could imagine.
-ARNOLD-
I'd been putting this off far too long. I'd made the decision to end things decisively with Shaia almost a week ago, and yet somehow I'd never screwed up the courage to actually go through with it. But it had to be done. I couldn't keep stringing her along like this, especially given the lengths she was going through for the two of us. No, I couldn't keep this up any longer.
Out on the veranda, once the two of us were alone (usually there were one or two couples out here during Rhonda's parties, but the cold weather assured that we'd be alone this time), I turned to her and took a deep breath. "Shaia, there's something I have to-"
"Ki'taki xothi tu'manika holi vana ku tan ti hanga!" she suddenly shouted angrily, slapping me hard in the face, then spitting at my feet.
"Wh-wha," I stammered, stinging both from the slap and the sudden angry words (but mostly from the slap).
"There," she said, suddenly calm again. "It is done."
"Sh-shaia, I know I haven't exactly been the most attentive boyfriend these last few weeks, and I know it can't have been easy putting up with Arnie, and maybe on some level I deserved that, but we could at least talk before you slap me!"
"Oh!" she said brightly. "You misunderstand. This is how the Green Eyes break up."
Now I was even more confused. "Break up?"
"Yes. That was what you wished to talk to me about, wasn't it?"
"Well… yeah," I admitted. "I guess I just didn't expect you to beat me to it."
"The truth is," she said, "I'd kind of been planning to do this for a while now, but I just couldn't find the right time to do it."
I blushed. "Yeah, that's kind of where I've been at, too," I replied. "I don't suppose I could ask when exactly you came to that conclusion?"
Shaia nodded. "It was when we had that dinner date. I saw how comfortable the two of you were together, how you just seemed to complete each other. Until then, I was still sure I wanted to make this work, but at that point, I realized there was no real point to this. You were never mine. I was… only ever borrowing you for a while. And it was wonderful, but it was always going to be temporary. Best not to drag it out."
I took her hand one last time. "I'm really sorry about this."
"I'm not," she said. "It was nice while it lasted."
"You're going to make someone very happy someday," I assured.
"I can only hope they will be as happy as she makes you," she responded. "Now go. That Arnie is probably harassing her even as we speak."
"Oh, wow, that's right! I better get over to her right away!" There was no doubt in my mind that Helga could easily handle Arnie's advances, but that didn't mean I wanted her to have to.
I returned to Rhonda's parlor and Shaia's suspicions were instantly confirmed. Arnie was making a play for Helga and had gotten so far as to put his hands on her shoulders and lean in for a kiss. Helga, for her part, looked as though she was about to tear Arnie's head off.
But it was what happened next that was the real shocker.
"Hey! What do you think you are doing?"
The speaker, at first glance, was none other than Lila.
At first glance.
She was a dead ringer for the ex-farmgirl… that is, the ex-farmgirl as she'd appeared years ago. She wore her hair in two braided pigtails, and was clad in a green plaid sundress. So, you might have been confused at first, were it not for two things.
One, Lila had stopped dressing like that many months ago. In fact, the girl herself had been on the prefab bandstand the entire party, and her aesthetic these days ran more toward denim, leather, ripped tees, black lipstick, and spiky red-purple hair.
Second, if you looked closer, you could spot the differences. This girl was a bit taller, her hair ran more toward the browner end of the redhead spectrum, and her dress was cut more provactively, with the top tied off to expose her navel. I wondered if she had brought a coat or if she had just come here exposed to the elements. The unhinged look in those eyes suggested the latter just might have been a possibility.
In fact… I found that I recognized her. Because I'd met her once before. Kind of.
"Lulu?" asked Arnie.
"Lulu?" echoed Lila.
"Holy crap, she's real," I mumbled to myself, before realizing that Rhonda, who was standing close by, had said the exact same thing. "Wait, how do you know her?" we again blurted simultaneously. Wow, this had suddenly gotten really freaky.
"Oh, this is not good," Lila worried. "Lulu can be a bit… okay, let's not sugarcoat it. She's a bit crazy."
"How do you know her?" I asked, though it was probably unnecessary; they were practically twins, after all, so a connection between them probably shouldn't come as any surprise.
"Lulu's my cousin," she explained. "My mom's sister's daughter. I really don't see her much apart from the odd family reunion. I've heard things, though. She's gotten in trouble. A lot." She shook her head. "I honestly had no idea she and Arnie lived in the same town, though. What a weird coincidence." She glanced aside at me. "That doesn't explain how you know her, though…"
"It's kind of a long story," I deflected.
"I can explain…" Arnie began, and even though his tone never strayed from his usual dull monotone, you could tell that he was a bit frightened.
"Oh, you don't have to explain anything, It's oh-so-clear what's happening here… this blonde hussy is trying to get her hooks into you!"
"…excuse me, what?" retorted Helga incredulously. "No. No way. That is not what happened. So back off, Funhouse Mirror, 'cause-"
"You can deny it all you like, chippie," Lulu interrupted, approaching with fists clenched, "but Ol' Nellie and the Five Retalliators'll get the truth out of you."
"Lulu, please," protested Arnie. "You don't have to do this. She's not worth another trip to reform school over."
"Step aside, sweetheart," Lulu demanded. "She's ever-so got this coming!"
"Hey!" demanded the party's host. "No fighting at my party! How did you even get in here, anyway?"
"Oh, it's amazing what you can do with a grappling hook these days," explained the doppelganger. "Now stay out of this, Muffy, this is between me and the tramp. Put 'em up, Buttercup." She swung at Helga, going directly for the jaw.
Helga dodged, grabbing her wrist to temporarily incapacitate her. "Knock it off, red. I haven't done anything. As a matter of fact, for your information, your boyfriend came on to me. So, why don't you back off and take yourselves back to Bumfuck, West Nowhere, where you can continue your no doubt not toxic at all relationship far away from all of us."
"You can't squirm your way out of this one, Blondie. I'm oh-so certain that my dear Arnie would never cheat on me."
"Believe what I want. I've got a dozen witnesses here that'll back me up."
"It's true," Lila added. "I'm afraid Arnie's the one that's been hitting on Helga. In fact, he's been doing it for years, every time he visits."
"Lila?" she asked. "What on Earth did you do to yourself? *head shake* Never mind."
"She's right, though," I said. "Arnie's not who you think he is."
"No," protested Lulu. "No, that can't be right. He's never… he wouldn't…" She froze, trying to process it.
I felt a bit sorry for her. Despite her aggressive behavior, she was the one who had been wronged here. Then again, I knew virtually nothing about their relationship, other than a dream I'd had years ago. And that time, it'd been her who was the unfaithful one; but then, that had just been a dream, my subconscious feeding me Bizarro versions of the familiar, twisted just so that they were strange and disturbing and maybe a little revealing. It wasn't reality. This was, no matter how surreal it appeared.
"Look, it really sucks that he's treating you like this, okay?" Helga stated. "I get it. It's hard to accept. But the sooner you do, the better off you'll be. Take it from me, I get what it's like to be attached to someone, oh boy do I get what it's like to be attached to someone… but you can't let it blind you to reality. And the reality is… he's been hitting on me behind your back."
Lulu continued to stand there, stewing. It was up in the air just which way she would go.
"Is it true?" she asked. "Have you really been lying to me all this time?"
"Of course not," he replied. Inwardly, I groaned. Family he may have been, and I was prepared to tolerate his weird quirks, but this…
"Thank you," she replied. "For showing me who you really are."
And then she delivered a whopper of a Green Eyes breakup to Arnie's face.
"Ouch," replied Arnie, once again in his unchanging monotone.
"Wow. That felt good," Lulu marveled. "Not as good as burning down your lint shed will, but good." She quickly dashed out of the mansion, probably to wherever she had grappled her way in.
"Wait, what?" Arnie panicked, his voice showing emotion for the first time since I'd known him. He quickly ran after his now-ex-girlfriend, any thoughts of Helga forgotten now that his real love had been threatened.
"Yyyyikes," commented Helga. "I feel bad for her and all, but your cousin is the hottest of messes."
"You'll get no argument here," Lila agreed. "Although I think she just gave me a really great idea for a song. How does 'Lint Inferno' sound as a title?"
"I'd have to actually hear it in context, but don't let that stop the creative flow." She turned to me. "Whoa, Football-head, I take it Shaia didn't take the breakup well?"
"Oh… right…" The Lulu drama had completely distracted me from the lingering stinging in the left side of my face. "Actually, she kind of beat me to breaking up. This is, um… how the girls in her village do it."
"It's true," she confirmed. "It is very cathartic."
"I'll bet. That's one tradition we should probably adopt here."
"So…" she said. "That's it, then. There's nothing keeping us apart anymore."
"No," I said, leaning in. "Nothing."
"Shouldn't we be waiting for midnight?" she said with a smirk. "It's hours away."
"I don't see why we should have to wait," I said. "It's been way too long as it is."
"You make a good point." And then her lips locked on to mine, and once more, all was right in the world.
-HELGA-
The rest of the night was sort of a blur. After the earlier insanity, the remainder of the party was downright boring. Rhia, despite protestations that she wasn't tired at all despite barely being able to keep her eyes open, was carried upstairs by her sister at 9 (still an impressive feat for a preschooler), and the rest of the night was music, dancing, too much food, and light conversation, not much of it memorable.
As is inevitable, though, midnight made its approach. Rhonda brought up the live dropping of the ball atop Big Barney as the time drew near, and a hush came over the crowd.
"All right!" Rhonda announced. "It's almost time, so now's the time to share our resolutions for the year! I'll go first. I will finally overcome my crippling fear of circuses. It's a stupid phobia and I want to be done with it. Who's next?"
Phoebe raised her hand. "I resolve to be less stressed. I mean… it's not like I couldn't just pick out whatever college I wanted at this point."
"Straight 800's for my girl," Gerald boasted proudly. "As for me, I resolve to keep keepin' it real."
"It's not a resolution if you're just doing the same thing you're already doing!" protested Rani.
"Oh? And what's yours?"
"Glad you asked. I resolve to beat Brandy Bristow-"
"I already like this one," I commented.
"-In Bleater rebleats! We're not all thugs, Helga! No offense. You're the best thug I know."
"None taken."
"So what's yours?" asked Stinky.
I resisted the urge to say "None of your beeswax, Stinko," and instead said "You first, beanpole," instead.
"Fair enough. Well, ah reckon ah could do with tryin' to be more savvy in mah dealin's, so's people don't take me for someone who just fell off the turnip truck. Heck, you'd think I jus' moved here, but my kin been livin' in this here city since the thirties!"
Rani raised an eyebrow. "You have? Then why do you all still talk like the Clampetts?"
"Well, that right there's a long story. It all started when-"
"Ugggh, this is taking too long," grumbled Wolfgang. "I resolve to start up oboe lessons again, so I'll be able to jam with my girl."
"Aw," gushed Lila. "I resolve to write my first hit song. 'Lint Inferno' might be the one. Who knows?"
"I resolve to get my drivers' license," Sid declared. "Fifth time's the charm."
"I resolve to get picked for my first live tournament," added Nadine.
"I resolve to be more kind and giving," Sheena volunteered.
"Is that humanly possible?" wondered Peapod Kid.
"Anyone else?" asked Rhonda? "Laura? Park? Curly? …where is Curly?"
The query was immediately answered when the boy in question suddenly ran down the stairs, wearing nothing but his glasses and a manic grin, shouting "WHO'S UP FOR THE POLAR BEAR CLUB?" while making a beeline out to the pool.
"Awp! Curly, no! We don't fill the pool in the winter! You'll break your everything! I'm LIABLE!" a horrified Rhonda yelled, frantically chasing after him.
"So, what's your resolution, Arnoldo?" I asked.
"To never let you go again," he said.
"No fair," I retorted. "You stole mine."
And as the seconds counted down and December 31 transitioned into January 1, the ball drop went unseen. For we only had eyes for each other.
A.N.: Would you believe I had this chapter set up nearly three years ago? Well, not all of it, but the second I had Lulu show up in Rhonda's dream way back in chapter 8 of the original story, I thought "hey, wouldn't it be funny if Lulu showed up in "real" life, and Arnold and Rhonda both exclaim "holy crap, she's real!" and then are like "wait, how do you know her?" And now I've finally been able to do it.
The "Green Eyes Break-Up" is basically just a Klingon divorce with the serial numbers filed off. Credit where credit is due.
The artists referenced in the opening by Nocturnal Ned are all real contemporary jazz performers.
CaffeinatedBunnyGirl: Welcome aboard! Glad I got you to like Shaia, I know romantic rivals are a hard sell. Don't worry, she's gonna be fine.
Jose: She's pretty special, yeah
Veganmama: Again, thanks, I'm really glad I managed to succeed with the character.
See ya next time!