A.N: After this one, there are only two chapters left! It's so sad for this to be nearing an end but I am working on more things so hopefully you'll like them just as much :(

Chapter 51

Arthur had forgotten how horrible waiting in hospitals was. Merlin didn't look any better than he had when he'd been pronounced dead seventeen days ago. Thick bandages wrapped around his head, feeding tube up his nose, most of his lower body covered in dressings, chest barely rising but doing so irregularly and shallowly despite the tracheostomy. Arthur hated looking at his neck. There was a long scar from under Merlin's chin to just above the tracheostomy tube where they'd gone in for surgery to remove the debris stuck in his trachea. It looked like a grotesque exclamation mark.

It was strange that no matter how many times Merlin ended up lying unconscious on a hospital bed with hundreds of machines attached to him, bandaged on various parts of his body and looking weaker than he ever should, it still broke Arthur. This felt worse than he remembered it feeling. It had been years since Merlin was even slightly injured and he'd literally died three weeks ago. He'd been resuscitated before but never had his death actually been called by a doctor. The last time they'd been in a hospital for so long was nearly a year ago when Arthur had been shot. But Arthur could barely remember the last time Merlin had been admitted for more than a few days.

Arthur was sure he still got shivers at six minutes to two every afternoon.

By some miracle there hadn't been any complications aside for a mild infection in the burns which had been cleared within a week. While that was immensely relieving, it also filled Arthur with a sense of dread. There were always complications. And given there hadn't been any yet, it wasn't looking too good for Merlin getting away without brain damage.

Every time he fell asleep, Arthur was haunted by the memory of Merlin's death and once he'd startled himself awake, he always had to rush over to check Merlin's heart was still beating.

It was a horrible way to live. Freya wasn't there much because she insisted being with the twins helped her take her mind off everything. She had, after all, lost her mother and very nearly her brother within a month or two. The rest of their friends tried to be there as regularly as possible but it was difficult. There was a lot going on at work and with two men down from the team it was even more hectic.

Christmas was only five days away and Arthur hated the idea of Merlin being unconscious over it. It had happened once before and it had been awful. There was no way Arthur would have it happen again it.

"Is he getting any better?" he asked a nurse desperately that morning.

"Let me do some tests," she said kindly.

Arthur watched as he did every morning. The wound where the brick had impaled his abdomen was mostly just bruised and, as with every bruise, it got worse before better. There had been one or two days where Merlin's entire front had been black and purple. Now it was a weird greenish colour and most concentrated around the small puncture wound on his stomach. "That's good," the nurse smiled as she applied a salve, "Look how much better it is."

Arthur nearly smiled.

"Right, let's check on these burns."

They didn't change the dressings every day in case it aggravated the wounds. But every few days, it was undressed, irrigated, cleaned and rewrapped. Arthur sat up to watch.

"Looks like the infection's all cleared. That's healing really nicely," she turned Merlin over to check the back of his body. "And that's all ok, too."

Arthur rubbed his eyes in relief and waited patiently while she finished treating the burns before moving onto his head.

"Perfect," she smiled at Arthur, "His vitals are good, his wounds are healing well. I'm happy."

"When is he going to wake up, then?"

"Let's hope for a bit of Christmas magic, shall we?"

"Will it be soon?"

"It depends on the amount of damage his brain took," the nurse told him gently, "We have no way of knowing that."

"A few years ago he was in a coma over Christmas," Arthur said, "We had to throw another Christmas in February for him. I don't want to have to do that again."

The nurse sat down beside Arthur, "Hold on to the fact he's not in the ICU anymore. That means we don't have sedatives keeping him under for comfort. It's up to him to wake up on his own."

"I know I should be grateful that he's still alive. Considering that he died right in front of me. But it sucks. And so much about his life has sucked already and if his life continues to suck I don't know how many Christmases we're going to get together. I just want him to be ok. But he can't even breathe on his own. I hate that stupid tube."

"He can breathe on his own," the nurse reminded him, "But it would hurt him. His throat is going to take at least six to eight weeks to heal properly and we don't want him to be in pain."

Arthur nodded, "There's just so much I want to say to him about what happened. All I want is to be able to look him in the eye and talk to him again. I don't want the last thing I did to him to be abandoning him."

"I assume you've read his book."

"A few thousand times, yeah," Arthur smiled, "Did you?"

"Yeah. I actually have a quote from it tattooed up here," she rested her hand on her bicep.

"No way."

She nodded, "'If love can last a lifetime, you have enough of it to show everyone.' I know it's nothing particularly special but it spoke to me for some reason. I guess it doesn't make much sense without the context of the paragraph either. But I have it there to remind me that love and kindness shouldn't be something you choose to show selectively but it should be a constant. Sometimes with the people you get in here it's hard to remember that."

"He'd love to know that," Arthur said.

"I've been his nurse before."

"I remember?"

"You do?"

"It seems you see me at all my lows. It was when he had pneumonia, right? I came in in the middle of the night to see him and you let me in."

"That's right. I can't believe you remember."

"I might have been in a foul mood but I try to remember as many of the staff I come into contact with from the health service. I appreciate what you do."

"I didn't know who you were back then. But I always remembered the weird man who came in the middle of the night to visit his sick husband but never came again. And all those years later when I read Merlin's book and I got to the chapter about the only argument you've ever had and how you came back in secret but you came back and that was all that mattered. I realised I'd met you," her phone buzzed, "Oh, I wish I could stay but-"

One of the alarms on Merlin's monitors started bleeping loudly.

"What's that?" Arthur shot to his feet, "Merlin?"

The nurse pressed the call button.

"What's happening?" Arthur demanded, "Is he ok?"

Arthur was pushed out of the room where he waited impatiently and paced up and down the corridor. Merlin had only been out of the ICU for a couple of days, there couldn't be a complication now.

Finally, the medical team began to file out of the room, taking Merlin's bed with them, and Arthur rushed forward, "What happened?"

A doctor took him to one side. "Merlin's tracheostomy tube was clogged with fluid and mucus, preventing him from breathing. We're taking him to surgery to clean and replace the tube. It won't be long."

"Is it serious?"

"It's a common issue. We'll sort it within a couple of hours and he'll be back with you in no time."

Arthur sighed in relief, "Thank god."

"Go and get yourself some food. Tell the café staff that Dr Collins sent you and they'll get you sorted."

"Thank you."

"I'll look after him, you look after you, deal?"

"Deal."

As soon as Arthur passed on the message from the doctor, he was given a wonderful hot meal and cool drink completely for free. He took his time eating but had his phone on full volume just in case.

Just as he was finishing Gwen and Lancelot approached him, "Is everything ok, where's Merlin? His room's empty and we couldn't find anyone who knew why?"

Arthur explained what had happened, "It won't be too much longer," he said when he'd told them, "I'm heading back in a second. Where's Will?"

"At Gwaine's. He made this, though." Gwen held out a piece of card with drawings scribbled on it. Inside, it read, "To Merlin. Please get better soon, you're the best godfather ever and I don't want another one. Love from Will."

"I'm not sure he understands what a godfather is exactly but he means well," Lancelot said.

"It's very sweet of him," Arthur said, finishing his drink, "Come on, let's go."

Arthur popped into the toilet on their way back to Merlin's room but sent Gwen and Lance ahead. When he reached the room, there was a doctor standing next to Merlin's bed, shining a torch into his eyes one by one.

"What's going on?" Arthur frowned questioningly at his friends.

The doctor stood up straight, glanced at all the monitors and then turned to the others, "Press the call button when he wakes up."

"He's waking up?" Arthur repeated.

"Probably by tomorrow morning."

"Oh my god," Arthur rushed over to the bed and studied Merlin. His eyes were flickering behind their lids like he was dreaming and he was shaking a little bit.

Lancelot and Gwen came over to hug him, "We'll call everyone. You stay with him."

"Thank you."

Freya was there within half an hour. No one else could come because of the kids or work but they were anxiously waiting by their phones for news.

"So tell me what happened again," Freya asked for the dozenth time.

"His tracheostomy tube got clogged so they took him to surgery to get it cleaned or replaced or whatever and when he got back and the anaesthetic was wearing off, he starting waking up too."

"So how long before he's conscious?"

"By tomorrow."

Freya sunk into the chair on the other side of the bed and them immediately stood up again and began pacing. Arthur ignored her. His eyes were focused on Merlin firmly. A few hours before midnight, long after Gwen and Lance had left but Matt had arrived, Merlin's hand started twitching. Arthur turned to glance at the brother and sister-in-law and was torn. They were fast asleep on the sofa in the corner.

"Merls?" Arthur whispered, "Are you awake?"

Merlin stilled.

"Merlin, gorgeous?"

His eyes looked like they were struggling against ten tonne weights. Arthur stood up and placed his hand on the side of Merlin's face, stroking his cheek with this thumb.

"Can you open your eyes, gorgeous?" Arthur asked gently.

Merlin let out a horrible noise which probably, given the tube in his throat, was a very painful thing to do.

Arthur hushed him lovingly, "Hey, it's ok."

Merlin made the same noise again and winced so Arthur reached across to call for the doctors, without letting go of Merlin's hand. Then he replaced his hand on the bit of Merlin's hair which was sticking out form the bandage around his head.

"Is everything ok?" the door opened.

"I think he's waking up but he sounds like he's in pain."

"Alright, don't worry,"

The doctor came in and asked Arthur to move aside. Behind him, Freya and Matt stirred and stood up. "What's going on?"

"Merlin? Can you hear me? Don't try to speak, just can you try and open your eyes for me? You're safe Merlin, it's ok, you're ok. Can you hear me?"

There was a lot more time when lights were shone in Merlin's eyes and medicines were put into his IV line until the doctor stepped away and motioned for Arthur to come forward. He did so immediately.

"Take it easy," the doctor advised, "I need to stay but pretend I'm not here."

"Oh, Merlin," Arthur felt himself welling up with tears, "I'm so glad you're awake."

All he got as a response was a blank, uncomprehending stare. Arthur glanced at the doctors who came forward, "Merlin, don't speak, alright, just nod or shake your head. Can you hear us?"

He nodded a tiny bit.

"Ok, that's really good. Do you know where you are?"

Merlin looked around and nodded uncertainly.

"You're in hospital, you were in an accident but you're going to be ok."

Arthur took his hand reassuringly and Merlin's eyes drifted down to look at them in confusion.

"Merlin, do you know who everyone in this room is?"

He turned his head to look at everyone almost in fear. They landed on Matt and his eyebrows creased.

"You don't know him?" the doctor clarified.

Merlin shook his head and turned sharply to look at the doctor then groaned and rested his head against the pillow.

"You need to move slowly, alright?"

Merlin looked terrified but Freya stepped forward, "Hey bro. You need to calm down, ok? You're confused, that's all. You're going to get better. Do you trust me?"

He nodded but seemed to be studied her carefully.

"What's wrong, Merls?" Arthur asked.

Once again, Merlin's eyes flicked to their interlocked hands in complete bafflement. A few tears leaked from his eyes.

"Gorgeous?" Arthur moved forward but Merlin snatched his hand away and recoiled.

"Alright, can you all step outside please?" the doctor requested.

"What's going on?" Arthur asked.

"I'm going to find out. Outside, please." Once the room was empty she sat on the side of Merlin's bed, "I know this is really scary, but I can't make it better unless I figure out what's going on, ok? Now you can't talk so this might take a bit of time so I really need you to be patient and calm so we can make you better. Is that alright?"

Merlin nodded.

"Ok good. Firstly, use your hands, show me how much pain you're in overall right now."

Merlin spread his hands wide apart.

"Is that a lot? Alright, I'll get you some pain relief as soon as we're done and you can rest. How much of that pain is in your head?"

He brought his hands in a little bit.

"Can you see clearly? No blurred vision, double vision, dancing spots? No? That's good. Do you remember what happened and why you're in here?"

Merlin thought about it the shook his head.

"Don't worry, you hit your head, it's normal. Bear with me two seconds," she wrote a series of numbers down on a piece of paper and showed it to him, "Can you point to which year it is right now?"

Merlin frowned and looked at the numbers without an ounce of comprehension.

"You don't know?"

Merlin mouthed the word 'no'.

"Ok," she wrote some more numbers down, "Which of these numbers is the biggest?"

More blank looks.

"This is the last question for now. You see your wedding ring? Do you know who you married? Can you remember the wedding?"

Merlin's face contorted into one of pure fear and devastation and he began shaking. The doctor soothed him, pumped some painkillers and sedatives into his IV and left.

"It's brain damage, isn't it?" Arthur said immediately, "Is it permanent? What's wrong with him?"

"We need to run tests. There's definitely considerable levels of confusion and memory loss. But we can't know the extent until I've done some scans. I'm going to book them in now."

"Can we sit with him?"

"I wouldn't recommend it. He's distressed, things aren't now as he remembers them to be. If we upset him more, he'll only get worse."

"Can I go? He knows me," Freya begged.

"Just hang on until we know more. Go home, get some proper rest and I'll have answers for you in the morning."

Arthur felt lost. The thought of having to rebuild everything he and Merlin had together was almost as terrifying and heart-breaking as losing him all together. And it seemed like Merlin had experienced both of those things within three weeks. He sat in the passenger seat of his sister's car and sobbed on the way back to her house.

"He looked at me like we'd never even met," he screamed, "Everything's gone! He's gone!"

Morgana watched Arthur storm around their front garden. She wasn't going to take him inside and disturb the children when he was in a state like this but someone had to watch him.

"Arthur listen to me, the doctors don't know what happened yet, it could be temporary."

"Could."

"Yes, could. A few hours, Arthur and we'll know. There won't be coulds, there'll be positives and certainty."

"Or negatives."

"Arthur, this is really rough for everyone, ok? And please feel free to lose your mind completely tomorrow if the news is bad. But for now, there are five terrified children and three lonely dogs inside who need you pull yourself together. I'm perfectly happy to wait here until you have but it's cold out here and it's going to be sunrise in a few hours so I'd like to get some warmth and sleep before you're dragging us off to the hospital again."

"Don't try and guilt trip me, Morgs," Arthur begged, "I know I'm a mess and you're trying to help but he is my entire life. If I lose him now, I don't know if I can repair him. He didn't recognise Matt, he didn't know we're married. How the hell am I even supposed to know if he knows me at all? He recoiled at the sight of me. Like actually pulled away from me and flinched. At me! The one person in this entire world who he'd trust with anything."

"You can't run yourself ragged about something that could be temporary. Wait until we know more."

Arthur nodded.

"Come inside. Killi and Aithusa need a cuddle from their dad. And you need sleep so you can be there for Merlin."

"If there's any of Merlin left for me to be there for."

The next morning, Arthur was reluctant to go to the hospital at all. "You saw, he doesn't trust me anymore. I'm no good to him, send Lancelot and Freya. He likes them." And when his phone rang, he refused to answer it so Morgana snatched it.

"Ok. No," she cursed, "Ok. Good, great. Yeah. Of course. No, I know. Thank you." She put her phone away, "Arthur, up come on."

He didn't move his eyes from the spot on Killi's back he was stroking.

"Oi! Stop sulking and listen to me. Fine. If you're not going to listen to me, I won't tell you how the doctor found the reason for the amnesia or that they've treated it or that when he wakes up, he might have improved considerably."

"What?"

"Car. Now. I'll explain on the way."