Author's Note: Update! Hold onto your feels!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. I simply play in their world.

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"But what if,

somewhere between

letting go and

holding on,

we found the courage

to love again."

-Ariana

Rey

The air is heavy, the world trapped in this moment between us.

Unable to move forward until I answer him. I swallow hard and grip my soaked shirt to hide how much I'm shaking.

Rain falls like silver sheets on us, gentler somehow. The worst of the storm passing and this is just the aftermath.

Even the waves are no longer a danger. It's as if our anger caused this tempest and now we've stopped fighting the world is calmer for it.

He's waiting for my answer in his exhausted stillness.

I brought him back from the edge of death and he needs time to recover.

Even for someone as powerful as him.

His eyes never waver from my face as the silence grows oppressive but I am unable to look away.

These are the eyes of a man who has been broken one too many times.

I did this to him.

Because I couldn't let go of my past. Because all I've felt since learning the truth is blinding anger, a rage with no outlet to mask my true emotion.

Shame.

Because I share the blood of a Palpatine and when the people I care about learn who I am, I fear they will turn away from me.

Because I am tainted by his evil deeds. I will be someone to abhor. To reject.

So I decided anger was better than guilt.

Better than grief.

This is where my actions led us.

I feel as if I'm breaking beneath the weight of all my secrets.

"Oh Ben," his eyes widen and I feel my lips tremble in response, "what have I done?"

A shuttered look, his mouth opening and I forestall him. Now that I'm speaking I can't stop.

"You're not my enemy. I was s-so angry and I blamed you for all of it."

I said things to him that should never have been spoken.

"I never h-hated you. I'm-"

"Rey."

His hand lifts towards me and I flinch.

I can still see his blood despite the rain washing everything away.

I shake my head and tuck my chin against my chest, "I nearly killed you. I have no right-"

"What am I to you? You say I'm...not your enemy...then what?"

I hear his desperation, a painful longing to know exactly where he stands with me.

I lift my head and he's sitting up, a pinched expression on his face as he tries to move closer to me.

"Ben! You can't move-"

He doesn't listen. Cold leather on my face, his hand cupping my cheek to brush away my tears.

I feel him trembling and turn, burying my face into his palm.

I didn't realize how much I craved his touch, needed it, until now.

How terrified I was that he would never reach out to me like this again.

"Ben...I...you..."

"Just tell me Rey. Please."

It's his please that breaks my will. I need to make my confession.

"I've been lying this entire time. To you. To my friends. But mostly to myself."

I keep my eyes closed, the image of his face when he fell blazing in my mind.

It wasn't the look of betrayal burning the shame across my skin.

It was his sorrow, as if he expected me to hurt him but wanted to be wrong.

"You and I...we've made so many mistakes with each other."

I feel him shudder and try to pull away.

Panic in my heart, a frenzied beating cracking against my ribs. I'm doing this all wrong!

I can't screw up, not now.

I grab his hand and open my eyes staring directly into his tormented gaze.

Terrible longing at war with abject fear.

Fear that I'm going to reject him and once more break him beyond bearing.

"Ben, listen to me. There is one thing that wasn't a mistake."

"What was it?"

His fear inside of me, a clawing beast trying to devour my courage. I swallow and grip his hand tight.

No more hiding. No more secrets.

"Loving you."

A ragged sound almost like a cry from him. Though my own vision is blurred I see the tear slide down the side of his face.

"When I realized I did...I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop."

...his arms around my waist, tears making him shake as I hold him, needing to soothe his pain...

...a gentle brush of his mouth and my bones turn to water...

… "Trust me Rey. I won't hurt you."...

...fingers entwined...staring up at him as wind plays lovingly with his hair...

"Why?"

A single word.

A complicated question filled with all of his confusion, his vulnerability.

It breaks through the memories of all my turbulent emotions connected to him.

I move closer until I'm on my knees in front of him. The ocean soaks through the cloth and to my bones.

I cup his face and lean in until our foreheads touch.

We breathe together, his heartbeat a match for my own.

Right now there is no First Order. No Resistance.

Neither Sith nor Jedi.

We're just two people struggling to understand one another.

I have to tell him. I don't want any more confusion between us.

"When I am with you...I don't feel afraid or confused. I feel stronger, braver...and that cannot be wrong."

Loving Ben has never been wrong. It is the only constant thing in my life making any sense.

"Rey-"

My name a broken sound on his lips and I tell him every secret I've kept locked away.

"I love you Ben. I am in love with your darkness and your light."

He isn't just Ben Solo or Kylo Ren.

He is both. When I kindled the light in his soul I understood he balances both sides of the Force.

It only took nearly killing him to realize it doesn't matter to me what he calls himself.

I love him. All of him.

"I'm not afraid of who I am anymore because...I'm just like you."

I don't understand how I could have forgotten so easily. He and I...we're the same.

I pull away and stare into his shattered eyes and see all the sundered pieces of his soul.

Every beautiful, scarred imperfection.

I stroke his face and feel something warm splash down in my fingers.

"You think you carry so much darkness in you...but you never once understood...you are my light."

The one person I turned to time and time again.

When the nightmares came crawling back.

When I felt so alone I was drowning in it.

He was always there holding his hand out to me.

When I had no more light he walked in darkness with me until I found my way out again.

His head turns, pressing cool lips against my fingers and I tremble at his touch. I've been searching so long to figure out where I belong and it was right here in front of me the entire time.

It was always here at his side.

"Ben...oh Ben..."

He looks at me when I cry his name and before he can speak I press my lips to his, his mouth yielding beneath mine.

He tastes of forgiveness.

He tastes of home.

The salt of our mingled tears, the gentle heat of his body. His trembling hand gripping my face and I don't know if I want to laugh or cry at his acceptance.

I pull away before I lose myself in him.

Time is slipping away from us, a voracious beast consuming every precious second.

I have one last confession to make.

I gaze into his melancholy eyes and wish, now more than ever, for more time.

Just one more second, one more minute to be with him.

"You taught me what it was to live." Only now do I realize I've been surviving, going through the motions of life until he woke me up. I run my fingers through wet, raven strands and lay my heart in his hands.

"Ben...I never wanted to rule a galaxy...all I ever wanted...was you. Just you."

"Rey," he whispers my name like his most fervent prayer and I am undone. I lean in, brushing my lips across his.

Mouths clinging, he steals the breath from my lungs and I gladly give it up to him.

Seconds, years go by before we pull away and he has that dazed look in his eyes again.

The one from Emphameira. The night we made love.

There is so much I want to tell him. To make amends for my thoughtless cruelty but the Force is whispering to me and I have finally learned to listen.

I'm out of time.

"I love you Ben. I never stopped."

I'm on my feet but he surprises me by grabbing my wrist with quick reflexes.

"Don't leave. Rey..."

He's breaking my heart and all I want is to stay with him.

Our fight may be over but the war is still raging on.

"Ben...I want to stay...but I can't." For once I don't want to run from him, "Palpatine is still out there. The war hasn't ended."

"You don't have to do this."

He's still trying to save me. As much as I hurt him he is only thinking of me.

Why did I have to wake up now to see this. To finally see him.

"Yes I do. It's fitting isn't it? Send a Palpatine to face a Palpatine?"

I can't help the regret I feel. I never wanted to be something grand or great. I don't feel like a Jedi.

Not with everything I've done but I have the power to stop him.

I'm the only one left who can.

Master Skywalker is gone and Ben...he's in no shape to face the Emperor. He'll die if he does and the thought of losing him...

He tugs sharply on my wrist and manages to pull me back down, his strength unexpected. He's recovering quicker than I thought possible.

His hand lifts and cups the back of my neck, pulling my forward so he can press his forehead to mine.

Unwilling to let me go.

I steal the precious seconds just for us.

"Ben," I murmur his name, "do you know what I regret most about us?"

"Tell me."

"I never got to marry you."

He snaps his head back, his eyes searching mine with a desperation that I don't fully comprehend and this time he's the one claiming my lips.

Languid heat, his mouth burning me alive. I grip his hair, his lips stealing my breath and I can't understand how I ever doubted his feelings for me.

This is no lie.

I love you Ben Solo. I will love you until the day I die.

Which would be soon when I go against Palpatine.

I gasp and push at his chest. Shock loosens his hold around me and I stumble to my feet, moving beyond his reach.

"Rey!"

A fierce ache in my chest and I want to bury myself in his arms but all I'm doing is making this harder for the both of us.

My time is limited and I swore to myself I would never hurt him again.

"I want you to live Ben but more than anything...I want you to be happy."

I know he can't get back on his feet, the wound I inflicted and then healed has taken its toll. I move further away from him.

His hand reaching out to me, trembling, agony cutting deep grooves around his eyes and mouth.

"You are my happiness! Rey you can't defeat him by yourself!"

"I know."

Tears clogging my throat, constricting my airway.

He's struggling to get to his feet and I cry out when he fails.

Midnight eyes looking at me, imploring and frantic.

"Then don't do this! Why are you so determined to throw away your life? You don't have to die to prove you're a Jedi!"

A sob building in my throat and I shove it away. I can't give in, not now.

Not when I finally found my strength.

My resolve to do what is right.

"I'm not doing this to prove I'm a Jedi." I can barely swallow past the pain of leaving him again but I have to make him understand, I don't want another mistake between us. "I know I'm not. But I made a promise to my family.

"Rey your parents are-"

"Dead," I interrupt gently and his eyes widen, "I know. But I'm talking about my new family. Poe, Finn, Chewie. Leia. The Resistance. They believe in me."

I clench my fist silently begging him to understand.

"Ben you're always telling me I'm stronger than I know so please...don't give up on me now."

I can do anything, brave anything, so long as I know he still believes in me.

He saved me so many times. From my nightmares, my endless loneliness.

From myself.

Now it's my turn to save him.

I memorize everything about him because this will probably be the last time I ever see him.

I don't expect to survive this war, I just want to last long enough to make and end of it.

"Don't forget me Ben."

I love you.

"Rey!"

I'm out of time.

Blinded by tears, I run from the love I hear echoing in his voice when he screams my name.

One day when this is all over with he'll forgive me and know why I had to leave him behind.

Spray in my face, I scrub the moisture away and try desperately to calm my chaotic thoughts.

I needed to be clear headed. To remember what I learned from Ben.

When I healed him not only did I connect with his spirit but also his mind.

I know how he got here and I also know what he brought with him.

I race to the edge of the wreck and see his TIE where he left it.

He picked the perfect spot to land. She hasn't been touched by the rolling waves. I lift my hand and the cockpit opens up and I climb in.

There, tucked into the side, is his wayfinder.

Ben will recover and I don't know what he'll do next but I pray I have finally freed him from the grip of the First Order.

He has been chained to them long enough. Now it's time to for him to forge a new path.

My remaining regret is I won't be by his side when he finds it.

I punch in the coordinates for Exegol as the TIE comes to life. This is what I can do to make amends for all of the mistakes I have made up until this point.

If giving my life so my friends can survive and rebuild their lives is the price I have to pay then so be it.

If I have to die so Ben can live then I will make that trade.

He's done enough. Now it's my turn to shake the stars.