~ Chapter 51 ~
John reeled in shock, feeling as if he'd just been doused with ice water. His niggling doubts resurfaced, stronger than ever. Something wasn't right. If Marlena had truly remembered their past together, why had she just told him not to kiss her? He needed answers, and he needed them now.
"I don't get it, Doc. You just admitted that you got your memory back…"
She interrupted, compelled to set the record straight.
"Actually, you assumed that, and didn't bother waiting for me to confirm it."
He sat back, dejected. He'd been so sure…
The thought of letting him stew in his own juices briefly crossed her mind, but she rejected it immediately. He would be hurt enough. There was no need for her to be deliberately cruel.
"You were right, though."
"Are you saying you do remember your past?"
"Yes, I do. It all came flooding back to me earlier today."
His eyes lit up, and he moved to take her in his arms once more. In a gesture meant to dissuade him, she placed her hands gently, but firmly, on his chest. He stared down at her, bewilderment written all over his face.
"But… but… I don't understand, Doc. If you've remembered everything… if you remember us… why are you pushing me away?"
"I… I just don't want to jump right back into my old life."
"You can't be serious. Why not?"
"These past few months have been very confusing for me, John. I've felt such pressure from everyone, you included, to remember. To be the person I used to be. But I'm not sure that I'm still that person."
"Of course, you are. You're Marlena Evans Black. You're my Doc. Nothing's changed."
"I've changed."
"How would you even know?" John's voice was laced with sarcasm.
"Why do you keep doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Questioning my feelings, and my self-knowledge. You did it throughout my bout of amnesia, too."
"That's because you didn't remember who you were. I had to remind you."
"But I've remembered now, and yet you still seem to feel that I need to be told what to think."
"Well, why wouldn't I? You're still not acting like yourself. If you'd really regained your memories, there's no way you'd hesitate to kiss me, not even for a second."
"So, what are you saying? You think I'm lying?"
"No. Not consciously, anyway."
"What does that mean?"
"I blame that quack, North. He's manipulated you somehow into thinking you've remembered your past, but it's actually a fake version he's implanted in your brain."
Marlena shook her head, exasperated at John's incessant attacks on Alex, and on his methods as a therapist. Taking a deep breath, she calmed herself before continuing.
"You're wrong. I have my own memories back, and they're as real as they get. Alex hasn't done anything to influence this, no matter what you think."
John's mouth was set in a stubborn line.
"Prove it."
"How would you suggest I do that?"
John searched his mind for something that Alex couldn't have known or overheard, something truly private. Finally, he hit upon an idea.
"Tell me what you gave me for Christmas, in 1992."
He'd fully anticipated that she'd scoff at his request, or refuse to answer on the grounds that she couldn't possibly remember a detail from so long ago. Instead, she grew pensive for a few moments, then she looked up at him with a triumphant grin.
"A gold watch."
He masked his surprise, as he grudgingly acknowledged her accuracy.
"Yep. You're right."
Her eyes sparkled at her success, as he berated himself for making the challenge too easy. Maybe Alex had seen him wearing the timepiece in question.
"So, do you believe me now?"
"I'm still not sure. I wear that watch all the time. Alex could have…"
She cut him off abruptly.
"John, you're grasping at straws! Even if Alex has seen the watch, how would he have known the exact date that I gave it to you?"
"He's clever, Doc. More than you realize."
She opted to let the slight pass.
"Ask me something else, then."
"Okay. Tell me what was engraved on the back."
She examined her memory banks again, a tender smile lifting the corners of her mouth as she recalled that particular holiday. An image came to her.
"To JB. Thanks for giving me time. M."
John's jaw dropped open in amazement. He truly hadn't expected her to remember the inscription. It appeared he couldn't blame her disinterest in resuming their married life on the nefarious Alex having fed her false memories. Throwing up his hands, his frustration was plainly evident.
"Well, it's clear you really have remembered. So, why don't you want to be with me?"
"It's not you, it's me." She snorted under her breath, hardly able to believe that she'd just uttered such a cliché.
"You're just saying that to spare my feelings."
"Honestly, John, it's the truth." She paused to gather her thoughts. "I've recalled my past, including the men I've loved – all of them."
For a split second, John's heart constricted. Was she telling him she wanted to reunite with Roman?
"I've been lucky enough to have wonderful men in my life – Don, Roman, and you." And Alex, she added silently to herself. "Not everyone is that fortunate. You each brought me so much joy, and I loved each one of you very, very much."
His stomach tightened at the realization that she'd used the past tense of the verb to describe her feelings – not only for her former husbands, but for him, too.
"A part of me will always love you. But I don't want to revisit our relationship, or the ones I had with Roman or Don, either."
"Why not? What's changed?"
"Like I told you before, I have. I feel like I've just woken up after spending months asleep, and what I need more than anything is time to readjust."
"Why are you so sure you're different? You look the same to me."
"Of course, I look the same on the outside. But inside… I don't want what I used to want. I want… to be free."
"Free? Free from what?"
Marlena didn't reply, but the answer to John's question was reflected in her eyes.
"Oh. Free from me," he spat out bitterly.
"No, not from you. Free from my old obligations. I can't just go back to the way things were. I have to decide if staying married is part of my future."
"I didn't realize you saw marriage to me as an obligation."
"You're taking my words too personally."
"How else am I supposed to take them, Doc? You tell me. I find out that you've remembered all of your past – including the years you spent with me – and instead of rushing into my arms, eager to pick up where we left off, you're pushing me away. It's no different from when you had amnesia."
"I suppose it feels that way to you, but that's not the way I mean it. If we were to get back together, I'd want it to be for the right reasons."
"It seems to me that loving each other is the best reason there is."
"Sometimes, love isn't enough," she responded, before shaking her head at her utterance of yet another overused cliché.
"Surely you don't mean that. Our love has gotten us through so much. It's survived against all odds."
"I know, John. Like I said before, it's not that I don't care for you. You've been a huge part of my life for such a long time, you're Belle's father… You'll always hold a special place in my heart. But I'm not in love with you anymore."
A hush fell over the room as John absorbed the full impact of her pronouncement. Bottom line, she didn't love him, she didn't want him, and she didn't think their life together was worth fighting for. He swiped away a tear. Well, she might believe it was over, but he wasn't giving up. If he mounted a compelling case, made some persuasive arguments, she'd be his wife again, he was certain of it. He had to be. His existence was meaningless without her. Putting on a magnanimous front, he acceded to her request.
"Okay, Doc. I get it. You need space, so that's what I'm going to give you."
He'd intended his declaration to be bold and confident, but it came out as a tentative whisper. Her grateful smile cut him to the quick.
"Thank you, John. It means a lot to me to have you honour my wishes."
Rising from the chaise, she retrieved the legal documents that had been delivered earlier that day, and set them down slowly and deliberately on the coffee table. His face blanched as he realized what lay before him.
"Since you've agreed to give me my space, I'm sure you'll understand if I sign these."
He felt a stab of pure terror, and instinctively shot a hand out to stop her.
"No! Don't!"