DILAN'S P.O.V. (Continuation of flashback...)
After a good few hours of rushing, packing and panicking, the wagons were equipped, and it was like they were never here. Everyone was mounted on their steeds and awaiting Dilan's order. Josie was secured onto the back of Grace would was in the centre of the formation and would remain there throughout their journey home. They had made the baby harness with 3DMG and blankets, so the baby was comfortable. She wasn't able to get out of it. She would be safe in there.
Now all that was left was for Dilan to make the order to push forward. And yet she didn't want to move until she saw the North riding towards them.
10 tense minutes later and it happened. She heard the galloping of hooves and turned her head to see the North riding towards them in the far distance. There seemed to be a lot of them, not nearly as much as her taskforce though. So many had died. She supposed Levi's taskforce faced the brunt of it.
She knew he did all he could.
They got a little closer and if Dilan squinted, she could see their faces. What made her stomach sink was that leading the charge... it wasn't Levi. But Eld.
"Shit. Nanaba, take command and push forward, I'll catch up." Dilan ordered and Nanaba nodded with out question.
There was no hesitation in her ranks.
"Forward!" Nanaba ordered once Dilan was safely to the side. She waited impatiently was the 90 or so horses galloped fast past her and Dilan reared, galloping full speed towards the Northern task-force. Her heart was pounding in her chest.
Where the fuck was he?
"DILAN!" Eld shouted in the distance. Dilan could make out Petra, Oluo and Gunther too behind him and Dilan could almost cry in relief but not yet. She needed to find her best friend.
"ELD!" She yelled back. Eld told his team to slow and Dilan did the same as Eld and the rest of the squad practically threw themselves off of their horses to run to her, ambushing her in a group hug.
"Dil! Y-You're here! Are you okay?!" Petra sobbed. Gunther sniffed and Even Oluo had tears. Eld was looking at her almost unbelievingly, his eyes growing glossy. She smiled at all of them, blinking back tears of her own.
It had been too long.
"I'm okay. We have more importantly things to discuss right now. Where's the Captain?" She asked, trying to keep her voice calm rather than shouting the desperate question in their faces like she wanted to.
Their faces fell and Dilan's heart jumped.
"T-the Captain got injured two weeks ago. H-he saved my life Dilan! I was so stupid!" Petra cried, tears streaming down her face. Dilan swallowed nervously.
"What happened?"
"There was a horde and the Captain ordered us to get back to the wall. Petra went back to try and save one of the cadets and was almost hit by an abnormal. The Captain pushed her out of the way, taking the blow. He got a head injury and he's been unconscious ever since." Eld explained calmly, sadness in his eyes.
Dilan tried not to freak out.
"Well what do the medics say?!" She demanded. Gunther shook his head.
"They were all killed in the most recent trip. The horde was massive, Dil. Even the Captain couldn't hold them all back." Gunther replied. Dilan took a breath.
"Where is he?" Dilan asked. The others glanced backwards, and Dilan spotted a cart in the centre of the formation. She nodded firmly.
"I'll stay with you for now. Petra can you lead my horse?" Dilan asked. Petra nodded and with that, Dilan moved through the horses without a word, climbing onto the cart and giving the order to Eld. Eld nodded and pushed them forward. Dilan looked down at Levi and her heart lurched.
He was pale and there was a thick bandage around his forehead stained in blood, but he was alive. He was here. Her best friend was here before her after three agonising years apart. He looked the same. Perhaps slightly more tired but he was her grumps. Dilan had to physically stop herself from reaching out to him considering they were in a very public setting.
Dilan blinked back the tears, sitting with her back to the edge of the cart she subtly took Levi's hand under the blanket that someone had put over him. She just had to get him to the South and they could meet up with her medics.
All would be well soon.
A few hours later and they arrived at the Southern task force. It was a mess of bodies people and horses. Dilan's eyes widened looking at Mikes troops... there were barely any left. Then her heart dropped further when she saw Hanji and came to the terrifying realisation that these remaining soldiers were comprised of both the Southern and the Western taskforces.
Almost everyone... was dead.
Dilan shivered, shaking the thoughts from her head. They could grieve later. Dilan saw her taskforce still seated neatly on their horses waiting for orders. She nodded in approval, proud of her soldiers. Dilan spared a look to Levi, squeezing his hand before jumping out of the cart and making her way to her horse, taking it from Petra with a smile and mounting it.
"There are even less than us." Oluo whispered. Dilan assumed they had noticed the lack of soldiers too. There was a moment of silence before all eyes snapped to Dilan then to her taskforce, then to Dilan again.
"What?" She asked, confused and a little creeped out.
"Dil, how, the fuck, do you have all your members? Were you given reinforcement?!" Gunther asked, exasperated. Dilan supposed her group did look rather full compared to the others.
"No." she said simply. A moment of confusion passed.
"Dilan... how many of your team died?" Eld asked slowly. Dilan sighed, raking a hand through her hair.
"8." She replied honestly. She knew every single name. She would regret their deaths forever. Except Bailey the bastard. The group balked at her.
"W-what I mean- how- I-I" Eld spluttered, Dilan didn't give him time to go on. It wasn't important right now.
"We'll talk later. What's important now is getting our troops back. Can I count on you to lead your taskforce Eld? I need to focus on my men." Dilan said seriously. The others looked surprised at her words, probably realising she had changed a lot in the last 3 years.
Eld blinked and smiled.
"Yes, Major." He teased. Dilan rolled her eyes but smirked back before riding off towards central. She needed to get tabs on the situation.
"Mike." Dilan greeted after walking through the chaos. Mike turned to look at her in surprise.
"Well you're still alive then." He commented. Dilan smirked.
"Seems so. What the shit is going on?" Dilan asked. Mike lead her aside.
"The cadets are having a mental breakdown." He explained and Dilan's eyes widened looking at the sobbing people. "What do you expect after so long on the wall? They've seen hell every day. All of my troops have flat out refused to go down for the last month. That's the same with Hanji's." Mike continued and Dilan glanced over to Hanji who was trying to convince a cadet to come out from under a cart.
"Shit." She breathed. Mike nodded in agreement.
"They don't think they are going to make it back. They've lost faith in the system, stopped following command." Mike explained before glancing over to Dilan's taskforce waiting patiently and Levi's, albeit smaller taskforce but of sound mind.
His eyes widened.
"Y-you still have all your men." He mumbled. Dilan sighed, she feared she would have a lot of explaining to do sooner or later.
Later would be preferable.
"Listen Mike, we have a lot to do and we're losing daylight. I promised my men I would get them back to that wall so that's what I'm going to do. Levi's unconscious, it's up to us. We have to give our men the justice they deserve. They deserve to get home." Dilan said seriously. Mike looked at her for a second.
"You've grown up." He commented. Dilan rolled her eyes.
"Course. Stay sharp, I'm going to talk to Hanji." Dilan replied and Mike nodded, a relieved look on his face.
"Yes Major." He smirked. Dilan rolled her eyes. Seems everyone was having fun with her title.
"HANJI!" Dilan yelled, jogging towards her. Hanji gave up on the carriage cadet to turn around and she spotted Dilan. Her eyes widened and filled with tears as she gasped.
"DIL MY BABY!" She screamed, sprinting towards her and colliding into her with so much forced Dilan almost fell over the wall. Dilan hugged her friend back just as tightly, refusing to cry but getting very close. Hanji was crying into her shoulder. Not her usual crazy wails but actual pained sobs and Dilan's heart hurt, knowing her friend must have been through a lot of trauma these recent years.
"Shh, it's okay. We're going home." Dilan comforted softly, rubbing her back.
"T-They all d-died, Dil. I c-couldn't do anything." She sniffed. Dilan took a breath, swallowing down her emotion. This plan was fucked up and she blamed Erwin, even if it was for the good of humanity.
She wondered if the gate had been sealed yet.
"It wasn't your fault; you did everything you could." Dilan said gently. Hanji sniffed again, nodding. Dilan pat her on the back. "It's okay. I got you. Can you go stand with Mike for me please?" Dilan asked, sensing her friend's vulnerability right now. Hanji took a few shuddering breaths before nodding and pulling back, looking at Dilan with glossy eyes, cupping her face, she smiled.
"I missed you baby." She said genuinely. Dilan smiled, a rogue tear falling down her face.
"I missed you too. Don't worry, I've got this. Let me take control yeah?" She asked. Hanji smiled and nodded. She looked so tired. Dilan just wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and tell her to go to sleep.
Alas they didn't have the time.
"Okay, be careful. They aren't stable." Hanji warned. Dilan nodded and the woman walked towards Mike. Dilan took a breath, glancing at her taskforce then the squad before back at the chaos.
She climbed up onto a wagon to gain some height and whistled loudly, gaining everyone attention.
"CADETS. STAND TO ATTENTION." She ordered. Hesitation made her frown. "NOW." She added sternly and the troubled soldiers flinched, standing up straight, hands behind their backs. She smiled. "Good. Would someone care to explain to me, the fucking problem here?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
A brief moment of silence.
"We don't... want to die." A cadet whispered, sobbing quietly as he looked at his feet. "We don't want to die like the rest of them!" He cried and faces dropped. Dilan sighed. She couldn't deny they had been through hell.
"Who says you're going to die?" Dilan asked. They blinked at her. "Yes, there will be risks on the journey home but who says you won't make it? Who says in 5 hours you won't be back home with your family. Safe. Warm. Who says in 5 hours you won't have everything you have wanted for the last three years." Dilan asked in a softer voice and more tears fell from the troubled soldiers. "I know you're scared. You would be crazy not to be, but fear is a part of life. It's how we push forward that counts. How we prove to fear that it will not control us. Break from it. Move forward. Because if you break from fear, tomorrow will be better no matter what happens. You will find peace knowing you gave it your all." Dilan continued and faces brightened. "Only you can control your destiny, so I ask again. Who says you're going to die!?" She asked firmly.
"NO ONE!" They replied with determination. Dilan smiled.
"And why is that?!"
"BECAUSE WE CONTROL OUR DESTINY!" They repeated. Dilan nodded in approval, hopping down from the carriage.
"Give me your all and I'll give mine back to you." She said seriously and they nodded, wiping their eyes. "Let's go the fuck home!" She smirked and cheers followed.
Dilan walked back past hanji and Mike who were balking at her, patting the large blonde on the shoulder.
"I think they won't be much trouble from here. Formation 8D seems appropriate for the journey home, wouldn't you say?" She asked. She had memorised Erwin's formations long ago. She assumed the others had too. They both balked at her for a second longer before shutting their jaws with a snap and cracking a smirk.
"Certainly Major." Mike grinned, moving towards his team. Hanji gave her a proud look before doing the same.
They were on their way.
An agonising number of hours later and the gate was in sight. The formation was close and steady. Josie and Levi were still safe. Her team had been perfect in battle and she had lost no one in her task force so far. Dilan had left Nanaba in charge of the front so Dilan was free to move about the formation and tend to those who needed help when necessary. It was a lot of work, but she was able to take down any titans that came at them without a problem.
The atmosphere was tense, but they had only lost 2 soldiers in the whole formation so far. As much as it hurt her to say it, they were good odds. From the look on their faces the soldiers could hardly believe it but Dilan was going to ensure their safety to the best of her ability. She just needed to push harder.
"TITANS 5 O'CLOCK!" A spotter called and Dilan's head whipped around, cursing under her breath. A horde. There were 6 of them and they were closing in fast.
"STAY YOUR COURSE! GET TO THE GATE AND ALERT THE GARRISON WITH SOUND FLARES!" Dilan ordered, pulling back so she could take care of them.
"DILAN DON'T-!" Hanji protested but Dilan gave her a stern look. She would not be argued with.
"STAY THE COURSE. GET THEM HOME!" She repeated. Hanji hesitated but managed a nodded, pushing the soldiers faster.
"FULL SPEED!" She yelled, receiving yells of confirmation. Dilan glanced at her task force before pulling back and racing towards the titan. She needed to be fast, make this quick.
"MAJOR!" A voice yelled behind her and her heart jumped.
No, no, no, no!
She turned to see Caden and Thomas following her with Jamie on tow.
Idiots!
"GET BACK TO THE FORMATION NOW! YOU'RE SO FUCKING CLOSE!" She yelled, exasperated to why they would want to risk it now.
They smirked.
"YOU DESERVE TO MAKE IT BACK TOO. WE'RE HERE FOR BACK UP!" Caden said seriously. Jamie and Thomas nodded un agreement with their friend's statement. Dilan growled a curse under her breath.
"STAY BACK UNLESS I CALL FOR YOU. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?!" She ordered. They nodded, smiling.
"YES MAJOR!"
And with that they picked up speed, galloping towards the lumbering beasts. Dilan glanced back as she heard the sound flares and there was scrambling on the roof before the gate started to rise. They were home. She could almost cry with relief, but she didn't have the time.
Turning back to her targets, Dilan looked at them with hatred.
One last round.
Nearly 20 minutes later Dilan raced through the gates with her three companions. There had been some close calls, but her soldiers were well trained. They knew how to handle themselves. She stopped her horse with a jolt, taking it all in. The town, the people, the land that was more than 10 metres wide.
They... they were fucking home.
Dilan muffled a sob that accidently broke from her throat, taking a few deep breaths to compose herself. Looking around, it seems the other soldiers were finding it hard to keep a brave face too. The sounds of their cries ripped through the air, hanging onto each other, grieving those that didn't make it back and taking comfort in knowing they were safe now.
They were safe.
Dilan blinked back the tears, taking a moment to smile at her comrades. They smiled back through tears of their own. They dismounted and Dilan looked at them.
"I'm so proud of you guys." She praised genuinely. Caden and Jamie sniffed, smiling as they wiped away their tears. Thomas had to look away to stop from getting too emotional and Dilan huffed a laugh.
"Thank you, Dilan. You got us home." Jamie smiled. Dilan smiled back and pulled him into a tight hug, pulling back and laughing as Caden eagerly accepted his. Then she turned to the last stroppy teenager, knowing it was unlikely Thomas would let her hug him without being coerced into it.
She smirked at him as he continued to avert his glossy eyes.
"Too manly for hugs, huh bud?" She chuckled. Thomas frowned and she laughed, opening her mouth to say something else but Thomas cut her off, hugging her tightly. Dilan blinked in surprise as the others chuckled silently.
"Thank you." He whispered. Dilan cracked a smile and hugged him back.
"You're welcome. Thank you for sticking with me." She replied as he pulled back giving her a rare smile. She looked at them for a moment, wiping away her tears. "Come on then. You'll be glad to be rid of me in a minute." She joked. They chuckled and they all walked into the chaos as the gate finished shutting behind them with a loud clang. The town's people of Trost were everywhere. Some were balking, some were helping out and some were hugging their family, reunited after so many years.
"Major." A kind voice called out to her and Dilan turned to face her task force as they walked up to her, still pretty orderly.
She watched as they wiped their tears, smiled and gave the biggest salute they could muster.
"You did it Major. You got us all home. You saved us." Nanaba cried and Dilan had never seen the blonde woman so emotional. It made a lump form in her throat, but she swallowed it down for what seemed like the tenth time that day and smiled back, saluting.
"You all made me so proud. So, fucking proud. It was an honour to serve as your Major." She said genuinely. Cadets sniffed and nodded, blinking out more tears.
"We love you Major!" A random cadet cried out.
"Thank you!"
"God bless you Major!" Someone sobbed. Dilan chuckled, wiping away a tear.
"Go on, go home. Have a fucking shower. You all stink." She teased and good-hearted laughs followed before they saluted again and started to disperse. Dilan pat Nanaba on the shoulder, giving her a smile before walking towards Grace and Josie. "How's my baby girl, hm?" Dilan smiled. Grace chuckled, wiping away her tears.
"Would you believe she slept the whole time?" Grace chuckled, untying the harness and taking Josie out as the baby yawned, passing her to Dilan. Dilan smiled, tears welling in her eyes. She got Cassi's baby back. Safe.
You can rest easy now Cass.
"Dil-Dila-Dilan!" Josie babbled, tugging at her shirt. Dilan let out an emotional laugh, hugging the baby close and cradling her head. She looked up as she heard the squad yelling out for her and smiled at Grace before walking towards them.
"Guys!" She called and the four emotional cadets found her in the chaos, running towards her. They were clearly about to jump on her before they noticed the baby in her arms. "Before we get to her..." Dilan chuckled, smoothing down some of Josie's hair. "How's the Captain?" Dilan asked nervously.
They smiled in reassurance.
"He's being looked at by a doctor. The medics from your taskforce did a good job but he's getting real treatment now. They say he's going to make it." Eld informed and Dilan let out a giant breath of relief.
"Now onto the fucking baby!" Oluo exclaimed and Dilan laughed as Petra smacked him up the back of the head.
"Don't curse in front of a child, Oluo!" She scolded. Dilan smiled happily.
They hadn't changed a bit.
"One of my task-force members got pregnant due to an incident. The mother died due to the childbirth but Jo-Jo's doing just fine, aren't you?" She chuckled as Josie giggled and touched her face.
"Aw!" The four said collectively. Dilan smirked. Josie had that effect on people. She wondered if the baby could crack Levi.
"Major Church." A familiar voice said behind her and Dilan sighed before turning to meet the Commander.
"Yo Erwin. What'd I do now?" She asked, surprised as Erwin smiled fondly, chuckling a bit.
"Nothing. It's good to see you alive." He said genuinely. Dilan rolled her eyes. She still hated the bastard.
"Shut ya face. Now give me an update on the breach." Dilan said seriously. Erwin nodded and gestured they move to the side. Dilan nodded, passing the baby to Petra for a moment before following Erwin into a military tent. His face fell grave as he looked down at the tables and charts.
"We couldn't steal the breach." Erwin admitted and Dilan's stomach dropped, feeling her face pale slightly.
"W-what?" She practically whispered. Erwin sighed, rubbing his head.
"We tried everything, but we didn't have the right technology. The breach remains open. Maria is lost." Erwin continued and Dilan felt a surge of anger tear through her, smacking her hand down on the table and disturbing a stack of papers in her fury.
"THEN WHY THE FUCK WERE WE OUT THERE FOR SO FUCKING LONG!" She yelled, completely infuriated. Erwin gave her a look to calm down. Dilan was seething at the teeth, so close to slicing his neck but she needed more information.
She took a breath and relaxed, barely.
"We tried a various number of things, but it became difficult to get to the breach. The taskforces were doing their job well and for a brief moment in the three years we were plugging the wall with debris. Then something happened and the titans pushed through. 150 soldiers and construction workers died." He admitted and Dilan gasped silently. "From there things only got worse. Mike and Hanji's areas started filling up with titans, you and Levi were the only ones picking up the slack. We could no longer get the builders to the gate. Too much had been lost. After careful consideration, we fired the retreat flare." Erwin continued and Dilan felt her anger rise again but he kept going before she could lash out. "There's more. Famine and disease started to spread during your absence. Due to the limited supplies, Maria citizens were shunned. Some rebelled against the rations stations and stole what they could. There was risk of a civil war on more than one occasion." Erwin sighed.
Dilan's eyes widened at the chaos he was describing.
"It's got to the point of no return. The MP's proposed an idea that the royals accepted. The Scouts and the Garrison fought back but there is no stopping them." He paused, almost, dare Dilan even say it, upset. "The government is sending all Maria citizen over the age of 18 outside the wall. They claim it is so they can take back the wall, but the real reason is clear. Cold blood sacrifice to decrease the population and stabilise the economy." Erwin informed and Dilan's eyes widened.
"T-They can't do that!" She protested. Erwin looked down.
"They can and they have been for months. It's why we waited to pull you back as long as possible. We wanted to keep hope that we could close the breach... stop the slaughter. The citizens are being rounded up as we speak. Tomorrow at the break of dawn, 600 more people will be forced outside for a total of 10 days. Those who make it back to the gate in time will be allowed back in. This will be the last massacre." He explained.
Dilan had to swallow down the bile rising in her throat. All these people were just being ... murdered in cold blood. Perhaps if she'd know her task force could have ridden deeper, tried to save some of them.
"I-its barbaric..." She muttered. Erwin nodded.
"For once, I agree with you. This is humanities greatest failure." He sighed, sitting down in a chair. Dilan did the same, feeling like she needed the support. There was silence for a long time while she thought everything through. What could she do to help? Could she do anything?
Eventually she came to a conclusion that made her feel rather ill.
"I'm going with them." She said quietly, almost not wanting to let the words out of her mouth. Erwin blinked at her.
"What?"
"I'm going out there with them." She repeated. Erwin looked at her for a long moment.
"No amount of ordering will get you to change your mind?" Erwin asked. Dilan shook her head. The bastard knew her well.
Erwin sighed and lent back in his chair.
"He's not going to like it." He commented.
"He's unconscious. He doesn't have to." They didn't have to classify who they were talking about.
"When he wakes up, he will try to go after you." Erwin continued. Dilan pursed her lips.
"And I can count on you to stop him, can I not? I believe he owes you a favour." Dilan cracked a small smirk. Erwin looked at her with slight surprise before letting out a small puff of amusement.
"Who knew life was so fucking complicated?" He mused, grabbed a bottle of whisky out of his desk draw. Dilan snatched it out of his hand before he could even offer her any, pulling out the cork and downing the smooth substance. It burned her lungs in the best way. Holy shit did she miss alcohol.
Erwin chuckled at her eagerness.
"It was that bad then?" He asked. Dilan glared at him.
"Worse." She replied bluntly but passed the drink back to Erwin.
"You did well. I hear from the recruits you were something of an inspirational leader. At least I know I was right to put you in charge." He praised. Dilan didn't much care what he thought of her.
"You aren't going to stop me then?" She asked, refocusing. Erwin shook his head.
"There would be no point. I have faith you will return to us. You always do." He mused. Dilan rolled her eyes.
"Don't jinx it now, old man." She retorted, earning herself a light laugh as she stood up.
"Say your goodbyes and be at the gate tomorrow, early. You will be given a pack that should last you 10 days but mind that's only if you ration intensely. They don't want people to survive remember. I'll recommend you equip your gear before hand and hide it well. There's no telling how the MP's would react if they discovered your intentions." Erwin reminded seriously. Dilan nodded in understanding.
"Horses?" She sighed. Erwin shook his head.
"Again. They didn't want to waste valuable things on dead people." He replied. Dilan sighed. She will have to make do.
"Tell no one. This will be our secret." Dilan replied and Erwin nodded. With that she left the tent.
Dilan walked up to her friends, smiling, she ignored the pain in her heart knowing she was going to be leaving them soon enough. She took back baby Josie and sighed. Better make the most of her last night.
The next morning, she got up early. She had a shower, dressed and packed yet another bag to take out of the walls. She had been swallowing down sharp burst of fear and dread for the past 24 hours.
It had been a good day yesterday.
Dilan had found Cassidy's mother and explained what happened. She was a lovely woman who lived in a village in wall Rose. The woman cried painful sobs when Dilan told her, her daughter was dead, but Josie was a little ray of sunshine in the darkness. The woman was ecstatic to take her on and Dilan leant that Cassidy had plenty of little brothers that Josie would be able to play with when she was older.
It was really hard to say goodbye, and she'll admit there were tears. But Josie Senior had reassured, after thanking her for everything, that she could come and visit whenever she wanted. Dilan was definitely going to take her up on it.
The squad rode home and were eager to shower when they got back to the inn. It was dusty as fuck and they could have to clean it before the Captain woke up but that was tomorrows problem.
They dressed in clean clothes, ate real food and caught up on all the crazy that had gone down in the last few years. There were tears and hugs and a lot of alcohol and eventually the team passed out on the sofa. Dilan hoped they would forgive her for leaving again. She left a note for them on the table for when they woke before exiting the Inn quietly and mounting her horse.
She blinked back the tears as she galloped to HQ.
Getting in the infirmary was rather easy. It was too early for anyone to be around so picking the lock was simple work. She entered the familiar space, walking to the end bed where her best friend lay. He looked a lot healthier and was attached to the same drip that helped Dilan wore off her infection when she had an injury like his.
Dilan sat down on his bed and took his hand, trying to swallow down her emotion.
"I have to leave again, grumps. I don't know if you can hear this, but I wanted to say goodbye anyway. I'm sorry for leaving and I hope you can forgive me. I wish I could help it but those people... they are going to die without guidance. I can't let the innocent die without trying something to help them. I know you would probably call me stupid if you were awake. Stupid shitty brat, you'd say." She chuckled, wiping a tear away. "But I have to do this..." She sighed, stroking the side of his face, she brushed some bangs away from his eyes. "I love you, Levi." She whispered, not being able to stop the words from falling out of her mouth.
She took a breath to stall the tears, squeezing his hand gently and leaning down to press a soft kiss to his cheek. She hesitated before letting go, sparing her friend one last glance before leaving the infirmary.
A few hours later and they were at the gate. Dilan's hood was up, and her head was down. Crying sounded around her and men and women were shaking, cursing. Townspeople had gathered around sympathetic and evil alike to watch them like rats in a cage. MP's caged the herd of people in, holding guns at the ready.
Dilan felt sick.
This wasn't right. She was starting to feel good about her decision to join. It would be hard, but she would find a way to protect these people. She just needed to get them somewhere up high. A forest or try make it to the wall. It was their only option. She just needed to be strong.
She could do this.
10 DAYS LATER...
The gate opened with a large creak. Lifeless bodies came spilling through, Dilan one of them. 40 people. 40 out of 600. She had only managed to save 40 of them... failure... she was a failure...
Dilan ignored the noises of agony, which was hard considering how much there was of it. She glanced back with tired eyes, making sure the last man got through the door. The gate shut and she allowed herself to crack.
It was finally over.
Dilan managed to shoo off the medics that asked to tend to her and made her way to the stables after saying a short goodbye to those 40 brave souls that had managed to survive. Miraculously, her horse was still there. She mounted it with a wince and started towards the castle. She was covered in dirt and scratches, but she was alive.
Once more, she was going home.
Dilan almost fell off her horse several times, but she got back to the castle as the sun started to go down. She felt so broken she couldn't breathe. She wasn't sure if she would ever been able to wash the blood off. Human blood. The kind that doesn't evaporate. Shaking her head of the memories she blinked as a cadet met her at the gate. She didn't recognise him. He looked new.
"Major Dilan Church?" He asked. Dilan nodded numbly. "I've been instructed to bring you to the Commander's office if you returned." He explained and Dilan sighed.
All she wanted was a fucking shower. Of course, the blonde bastard wouldn't cut her any slack.
She nodded again and the cadet took her horse and her bag, telling her he would get them sorted for her. Dilan saw a sympathy in his eyes, so she guessed she looked as broken as she felt.
"Thanks kid." She replied, making her way towards Erwin's office. She re-did her hair on the way there into a ponytail, knowing it was the best she could do in terms of her appearance right now. Her uniform was bloodied, and her brown jacket was ripped at the shoulder. This was a result of someone grabbing onto her with so much desperate strength that the seams in her jacket became undone.
She wasn't able to grab onto him before he was eaten. And he wasn't the only one Dilan failed.
She shivered at the memories, looking at her feet as she dragged herself to the commander's door. She stood in front of it, feeling like it was too easy.
Was the fighting really over?
Dilan suppressed a flinch as a cadet came around the corner and walked down the hallway. Great, PTSD. She clenched her shaking hands trying to regain some resemblance of control. 3 years living on a wall didn't even light a candle to those 10 days in hell. Before she could knock, she heard voices on the other side and her eyes welled up.
"She should be here by now." Levi's deep voice sounded, and Dilan could hear his footsteps as he paced the room. "Why the fuck are we here anyway, we should be waiting by the gate!"
"I told you before Levi. The MP's mustn't know Dilan was out there, trying to lessen the death count. They would arrest her for trying to ruin their plans." He replied.
"She'll be here, Levi." Hanji comforted. Levi scoffed.
"She would fucking be here already if you hadn't sent her out on a fucking suicide mission!" Levi growled.
"I didn't send her anywhere, Levi. She requested to go, I allowed her to." Erwin replied calmly. Another scoff.
"How could she be so stupid?" Levi mumbled. Dilan sighed. He sounded pissed. She supposed she shouldn't drag his out and raised her knuckle to knock on the door, biting back a wince. She had done something to her wrist. It was likely just a sprain, but it was still annoying.
There was hesitation before the door was ripped open by Hanji and the three looked at her in shock. Dilan looked down, swallowing dryly. She hadn't had a drink for the past 2 days. Could probably use some water but she guessed that would have to come later.
"Sorry I'm late." She mumbled, no energy for a cheeky tone. She was so tired. Another second of hesitation before Hanji engulfed her into a hug.
"Dilan you're okay! You're okay, aren't you?" Hanji asked quickly, pulling back to look her up and down with teary eyes. Dilan took a small shaky breath, nodding.
"Fine." She managed to say. When concern flashed in Hanji's eyes Dilan gave her a very small smile of reassurance. "I'm fine." She repeated a bit more firmly.
She looked at Erwin as he chuckled.
"You never fail to amaze, Church. Welcome back to the land of the living." He smirked. Dilan was not amused. She glanced at Levi, but he was avoiding her eyes. Yep. He was definitely pissed.
Hanji seemed to sense the tension between them. They hadn't seen each other for 3 years. Well... with them both conscious anyway.
"Erwin we should give them a minute." Hanji said. Erwin hesitated but sighed. Hanji and Erwin left the room and they were alone. The tension was almost too much. Dilan swallowed again, fiddling with a loose thread on the side of her uniform trousers.
Levi still wasn't looking at her.
"Levi I-"
"Three years." He cut her off with a growl, his voice shaking with anger. He finally lifted his steel eyes to meet hers and Dilan bit her lip. "Three fucking years, Dilan!" He yelled. Dilan's throat seized up and she looked at the floor.
"I know..." She whispered. Levi laughed humourlessly.
"Do you? Do you really? Because maybe if you did you wouldn't have been so fucking stupid. What the hell is wrong with you?! Do you get off on danger or something? Do you fucking enjoy putting yourself in harms way? Do you still not care!? All this time, all these people that love you and you still don't fucking give a shit about your life!?" Levi yelled, completely livid. Dilan took a shuddering breath, a tear dripping down her face and Levi paused, taken aback.
"I care." She whispered, the shock starting to set in. Another tear dripped down her face as she stumbled back against the door and sunk to the floor. Her legs couldn't support her anymore.
She was completely broken.
"I care." A sob escaping her mouth, she looked up to her best friend who was staring at her in shock. "I cared about those people... and t-they all died." Dilan choked out, the feeling of failure setting into her bones as she started to crack.
Levi was next to her in a second, all anger forgotten. He knelt down in front of and pulled her into a hug. Dilan hugged him back tightly, crying into his shoulder.
"T-they a-all died." She sobbed, finding it hard to breathe. Levi held her close and from his shaky breaths it sounded like he was close to breaking too.
"I know, brat. I'm sorry for yelling, I-I was just scared. I thought I lost you." He admitted quietly. Dilan gripped onto the back of his jacket with shaky fists, getting as close to him as possible. She felt like without him she was going to crumble.
"I-I'm sorry." She sniffed, trying to get control of herself.
"Don't be." Levi breathed, getting a hold of himself too. "You did the right thing. I'm proud of you." He reassured. "I got you, okay? Your safe now. I promise you're safe." Levi comforted. Dilan bit her lip to muffle a whimper, not knowing how much she needed to hear that. She hadn't been safe in a long time.
"I missed you." Dilan mumbled; her voice thick with emotion as her eyelids grew heavy. She was exhausted.
"I missed you too, brat." Levi replied, his voice wavering slightly. He seemed to notice Dilan was moving towards unconsciousness as he gave her the final push to let go. "Go to sleep, Dil. I got you." He reassured. Dilan breathed out in relief, closing her eyes.
She was home.
Dilan woke up later in a bed. She blinked tiredly, looking around. This wasn't her room or Levi's room. Where was she? The room looked fancy. It had a double bed with white sheets and a wooden frame, a large window to her left and a fireplace in front of the bed. To the right was a door that was slightly open, and Dilan could see tiled floors. She assumed that was the bathroom. To the right was a door.
She sat up a bit, wincing. Her muscles were stiff. She'd been using them none stop to survive. Who knew that much adrenaline existed?
The door opened and Dilan flinched slightly before she saw it was just Levi and she breathed out, her eyes softening. He gave her a small smile that relaxed her further before he turned his attention to a bag that he dumped on a small table after shutting the door, rooting around in it.
"Where are we?" Dilan asked curiously, sitting up all the way.
"These are the rooms normal squad leaders get. Quite a few of them are empty thanks to..." Levi trailed off as he paused in his motions.
Dilan could guess what he was referring to. The massacre that had no point. The massacre that still ended in thousands of citizens of Wall Maria dead and over 300 soldiers. Dilan clenched her fist in anger at the thought.
Levi shook his head slightly and refocused.
"After Hanji checked you out at the infirmary, I brought you here since it's closer. But I also didn't want to lose you to those idiots we call squad members. Call me a selfish bastard but I want you all to myself right now." Levi added with a shrug. Dilan chuckled, forgetting her anger for the moment, her heart warmed slightly.
God, had she missed her best friend.
"Selfish bastard." She teased and Levi shot her an amused glare. "What are you doing?" Dilan asked, sitting up a bit more to try and look into the bag. She looked down at herself, noticing she was in change of clothes, guessing Hanji must have changed her. She could probably still use a shower though.
"I got us food." He replied simply, turning to chuck her an apple. Dilan's eyes widened at the fruit in delight and her mouth watered without her permission. Levi chuckled at her reaction, grabbing the bag and sitting on the bed, unpacking the rest of the food. "Eat." He shoved the food at her. "Drink." He shoved a canister at her. "And then you can have a fucking bath. You look like shit." He added. Dilan glared at him before cracking a smile.
It was true after all. She did look like shit.
"Ass." She commented, making him smirk.
Dilan abandoned the apple to go straight for the water canister. Erwin was right about rationing. She had a few sips of water a day and that barely kept her going.
She glugged down the water greedily, really fucking needing it. It did well to sooth her dried throat. When she was satisfied she capped it off and sighed in relief.
She went for the apple next, glancing at Levi, noticing the concern in his eyes. She tried to give him a reassuring smile but it didn't come out as convincing as she hoped it would.
"It was bad, wasn't it?" He asked carefully. Dilan looked down at the apple, flashes of blood and screaming forming from her memory. She had never seen such pointless deaths before. Dilan shivered at the thought, her breathing picking up a bit.
Levi took her hand, grounding her and Dilan looked up at him.
"Forget about it for now. We can talk later, okay?" Levi offered with a small smile. Dilan nodded, released a breath of relief. She really would be falling apart without him right now.
Levi lit the fire before re-joining her on the bed. They ate, chatting about trivial things to keep their minds of the dark years they had just experienced. Eventually Dilan got sleepy and her head ended up dropping onto Levi's shoulder. She heard a distant chuckle of amusement before she was flicked on the forehead.
She was too tired to react.
"Fuck you..." She mumbled tiredly. Levi laughed, tucking some hair behind her ear where it had fallen into her eyes.
"Come on, brat. You need a bath." Levi said softly. Dilan cracked open her amber eyes to looking into his steel gaze, entranced by the intimate action that ended up with Levi's warm palm on the side of her face.
Something felt different. Something was burning and all she could think about in the moment was how she wanted her lips on his. It was amazing how it had been three years since then. Three years since that kiss occurred. They promised to forget it happened, but Dilan would admit she had thought about it often on the wall. How it made her feel. How he made her feel...
Of course, she never continued the thought process since it brought her nothing but pain considering he was far away, and she couldn't see him. But right now. He was here. He was right in front of her.
And his hand was still on her cheek.
Levi seemed to realise what he was doing, and his eyes widened slightly, bringing the hand back down to his side, swallowing. Dilan sat up a bit, ignoring the disappointed feeling that stirred in her stomach. There was a brief silence where Dilan looked at him curiously and Levi avoided her eyes before he got of the bed and walked towards the bathroom.
"I'll run the bath. Fall asleep and I will not wake you up nicely." Levi warned without looking at her as he disappeared into the bathroom. Dilan smiled in a bit of amusement, yawning. Was he behaving slightly weirdly or was she just exhausted? Dilan decided not to analyse it.
Things were going to be different; it had been 3 years after all.
Levi came out and said it was ready, passing her a bag of stuff telling her that Hanji had packed her some clean clothes. Dilan smiled gratefully and stumbled into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She looked at the full warm bath and could almost cry with relief, eagerly stripping herself of clothing she glanced at a few new scars that had accumulated on her body since she was last here at HQ.
Thankfully they had all healed over, they would be fine in the water.
Dilan sipped into the warmth and let out a breath of utter relief. The steam cleared her head and she felt her headache dissipate as she dunked her head under the water, pushing the hair out of her eyes as she resurfaced.
She took a moment to relax, enjoying the heat before grabbing the bar of soap Levi had left out for her and scrubbing all the dirt and grime away from her body. It took a long while to wash all the mud and blood away but eventually she managed it, leaving her tanned skin perfectly clean, except for a few minor scratches. It was amazing she hadn't been seriously injured out there.
It's not like other people could say the same thing...
Dilan blinked what only felt like moments later but taking in the scene around her she knew it had to have been longer. She was still in the bath, but the water was lukewarm, and it wasn't clear anymore... it was red.
Dilan's breathing grew ragged as she tensed, looking over at one hand, she was holding a blade, dripping with blood. She flinched and dropped it, watching it sink into the water, colouring it further. With dreaded eyes she looked over to her other arm where she was starting to feel pain emitting. Two deep slashes were cut into her wrists over previous scars. Dilan felt her stomach drop and she screamed before she could stop herself.
Scrambling to get out of the bloodied water she wrapped a towel around her body, breathing heavily as she looked at her wrist. She couldn't believe it.
She just couldn't... she couldn't breathe.
"Levi!" She cried, a sobbing mess.
"Dilan?!" Levi's worried voice sounded before the door was opened and he looked at the scene in horror, landing on her gusting wrist. "Shit!" rushing over to her and grabbing a cloth to hold it over the wound, trying to slow the bleeding. Dilan grabbed onto a him by a fist of his shirt, needing to ground herself before she fell over.
She felt like was going to throw up.
"What d-did do?" She choked out. Levi looked at her with dread. "Make it stop. Please. I can't live like this!" She cried, completely breaking down. No matter how hard she tried she always gave in. She always came back. She was weak.
Maybe if she was stronger, she could have saved more. She could have done more.
Dilan felt herself slipping. She was going to a really dark place and she wasn't sure if she was every going to come back. It was a thought that scared her like no other and she felt herself shiver.
"Dilan don't go there." Levi practically begged, reading her thoughts completely, he gripped her chin and forced her teary eyes to meet his. "I know it's hard. I know it's fucking exhausting, but I need you to keep on fighting." He said seriously and Dilan whimpered. It just hurt so much.
Levi's eyes glossed over.
"I need you to keep fighting for me because I can't live without you. I need you so just please..." Levi said shakily, a tear dripping down his face as he leaned his forehead against hers. "Stay here with me. Keep fighting." He whispered. Dilan took a shaky breath, calming down a bit.
She would keep fighting. For him.
"O-okay." She sniffed, another small sob escaping her lips. Levi breathed out in relief and they stayed like that for a moment, finding comfort in the closeness but things needed to be done. Levi pulled back slightly and Dilan's heart jumped. It was pathetic but she wanted him close. He gave her a small comforting smile, wiping the tears off of her face.
"Close your eyes." He said softly. Dilan was confused but too tired to argue and she closed her eyes. There was some shuffling before Dilan heard the bath plug being pulled and the water start to wash down the drain. She heard a clink of metal before the tap was on.
Suddenly, it all came together, and she realised Levi was cleaning up the evidence of her incident without her seeing so it wouldn't upset her. The kind gesture made another tear fall down her face as she wondered what an earth, she had done to deserve such an amazing person in her life.
She felt Levi unwrap the cloth around her bloodied wrist and winced slightly, about to open her eyes, but Levi stopped her. "Keep them closed, brat." He repeated in a warm tone. Dilan instantly relaxed, doing as told.
The cloth was removed, and Levi lead her over to the sink, washing off the blood with the gentlest touch possible. He was being so careful with her and Dilan almost couldn't handle it.
Her wrist was dried before Dilan felt what she assumed was bandages being wrapped around. She heard some more shuffling and Dilan assumed Levi was cleaning up the rest of the spilt blood and or hiding all the sharp things in the room. Then there was a warm hand on the side of her cheek again that relaxed her incredibly.
"You can open them now." He informed and Dilan blinked open her tired eyes to look at him, wanting nothing more than to lean into his embrace and never let go. Unfortunately, she was rather indecent. "You'll be okay while you get dress, right?" He asked softly. Dilan didn't want him to leave her but knew he couldn't stay while she was getting changed.
She managed a nod.
He offered a small smile of approval.
"I'll be outside okay? Call me if you need me." He added and Dilan managed another nod.
Levi left the room and Dilan took a sharp intake of breath at his absence. She looked down at her bandaged arm briefly, biting her lip to avoid more tears before quickly drying her body and getting changed into the warm comfortable clothes Levi had given her.
She clawed on the socks with a wince and ran a towel over her head, lightly brushing her hair through with her fingers before opening the door with haste, desperate not to be alone. When she didn't see Levi immediately her heart jumped but she heard a noise and looked around the corner to see him feeding the fire, sighing a breath of relief.
Levi glanced over to her before quickly finishing the fire. He stood up and walked over, taking her hands. His hands felt so warm in contrast to her cold ones.
She shivered.
Levi seemed to notice as he broke away from her for a moment to grab a blanket. He unfolded it and wrapped it around her securely, bringing out a small, weak smile on Dilan's lips. He took her hands again and lead her back over to the bed, folding over the covers and tilting his head, telling her to get in them. Dilan did as was requested, too tired to even conjure up a little sass about him ordering her around.
She felt slightly numb. She hadn't slipped yet, but she was in the place in between. If Levi wasn't here right now, she would be gone already and that thought scared the hell out of her.
Levi seemed to notice her increasingly unresponsive state and was quick to get in the bed with her. Dilan found the strength to move towards him, not much thought going into it, she just knew she wanted to be closer to him. Levi inclined to her request, hugging her close. He pulled the covers over her shoulders and stroked some damp hair behind her ear. Dilan sighed in relief, leaning her head into the crook of his neck, she delighted in the attention, not giving a fuck about what it meant as long as he was here with her.
"How are you feeling?" Levi asked after a stretch of silence. There were no other noises as it was pitch black outside. Only the crackle of the fire that lit the dim room with light and warmth.
"Honestly?" Dilan asked. Levi nodded. "Tired... tired of how hard everything is." Dilan whispered, tightness in her throat. Levi hummed gently in understanding and stroked her hair. The tightness immediately went away, and Dilan relaxed.
"I feel the same way." He admitted and Dilan's eyes widened slightly. She pulled back, only slightly, so she could look him in the eye.
"You do?" She asked. Levi smiled sadly.
"The wall was hard. I did everything but my troops kept dying. I didn't let it show but I got depressed. I had a few close instances where I almost cut. It was really hard." He sighed and Dilan's heart lurched, wishing she had been there for him. "But then I started writing with you again and it eased up. You pulled me away from the deep end, brat." He smiled. Dilan cracked a smile in return, feeling her heart warm and the numbness started to dissipate.
"Writing with you was good for me too. Knowing you were alive... it really helped." Dilan admitted, leaning back into him. Levi smiled and nodded.
"It's not always going to be this hard, Dil. But until that day comes, I'll be there to help you through it. Just like I know you'll be there to help me." Levi comforted and Dilan breathed out a sigh of relief. She had really missed her best friend. His presence was comforting but his words were better.
He always knows exactly what to say. He always makes her feel so safe.
"I will." She confirmed. "We'll have each other till the end. Don't leave me again, you, miserable bastard. I can't function without you." She joked lightly. Levi laughed a bit.
"I promise I won't." He smiled. Dilan smiled back.
"I promise too."
A/N: They're back! It's been too long. This is the end of the flashback chapters. We'll be getting back to the main story now. 6 more chapters to go guys!
Warning for the next chapter... there's a strong possibility some of you may hate me. And I understand that because I kind of hate myself for going in this direction but in my defence my brain thought of it. Once I think of the next part of the plot it's impossible to change it, especially if I think that it's the best direction this story could go. I wish I had thought of something else but this is just what happened.
I hope you don't hate me too much and keep reading, lol.
Thank you so much for all the comments. I hope you are all well and that you stay safe! X