Authors Note: The following fanfiction was written with the intentional purpose of advertising my books. Which at present includes the following:
The Penguin who went to Santa's Workshop.
Tales of Daavas: Heroes Dawn.
Tales of Daavas: Winter's Chill.
Tales of Daavas: The Phoenix Crucible.
All of these titles are available for download off of Amazon Kindle. I've been unable to figure out how to make them available as physical books. The good news is that the app itself can be downloaded for free on any computer or electronic device that can run it... just a clarification for anyone who didn't already know that.
Each one costs about 2.99 USD.
And now... on to the story.
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The Penguin who went to Santa's Workshop.
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The baby Emperor Penguin was confused. As were the rabbit-like creatures that were sitting at a table in front of him.
"Okay... this is more than a little weird." Said Pandora Wilde-Hopps.
"Maybe there are some clues on these papers." Said Anna Blackpaw, when she sat down at the table and looked at the papers in question. "Apparently we're in some manner of pocket dimension. And we're here to interview book characters."
"Even for us that sounds completely ridiculous," Davies said. "But... I do want this penguin to stay around for a little while." Then he and Pandora sat down with Anna. "So according to this, we need to ask you your name. Then you'll tell us a little about yourself... and apparently who threw this together left notes." She said as she went through the papers. "Walter."
"Hi, I'm Walter!" The baby Emperor Penguin said. "I'm five years old and I've been to the North Pole with Santa Claus!"
"Wouldn't that be Santa Claws?" Davies asked of Anna.
Anna just rolled her eyes. "You know that kind of joke only works when written down. Not said out loud."
"And I met my friend Persephone and got her fish for Valentines'. And my parents and I went on a vacation to a beach. And I made friends with a bunny." Walter rambled.
"But we've only got... let me see," Anna said as she looked over the papers. "One book on that was published."
Walter rolled his eyes. "That's a long story. Put it simply... mistakes were made behind the scenes."
"Well, I for one hope to see some of those adventures," Davies said, then Walter the Penguin was sucked up in a black hole. "Dang it! I didn't get a chance to hug him!" He said in disappointment. "So... are we done here?"
"No," Pandora said as she looked through the notes on the table. "We've only just begun."
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Tales of Daavas: Heroes Dawn.
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The five heroes beheld many strange things in their travels. But this... this was beyond anything they expected or had any prior knowledge of.
"Okay, so when we say your name. You stand up and give a brief description of yourselves. Afterward, we'll ask you questions." Davies Hopps said to the bewildered heroes.
"Pad'maa Valkyrie." Anna Blackpaw said.
An Elven woman stood up, she had long blonde hair, baby blue eyes, and wode like tattoos across her body. "Hi... I'm Pad'maa Valkyrie. I'm an Elf... and I'm deeply baffled by what's going on here."
"Honestly, we're just as confused as you are," Pandora said frankly. "Just stick to talking about yourself please."
"Well, I'm the princess of the city of St. Valkyrie... pretty cozy life at first but then. I heard word that Dark Elves were coming to the city to attack... and then they did." Pad'maa said awkwardly. "Then during the attack, I learned that... apparently I have the soul of a god. And that I'm fated to save the world from the Necromancer Koschei, and the god of death Thanatos."
"Valdr Stoutheart." Anna Blackpaw spoke up.
"Oh... should I just sit down?" Pad'maa asked.
"I believe that's the idea. I, am Valdr Stoutheart." Valdr said as Pad'maa took her seat. "Valdr Stoutheart, Captain of the Blood Hammer. Second company, serial number 396022-98774-1115. That's the only information you'll ever get out of me you strange talking animals!" Valdr yelled defiantly.
"For the last time Mr. Stoutheart, we didn't kidnap you." Anna Blackpaw said in exhaustion.
"Very well... I'm a scout of the Dwarven Marines Chapter, the Blood Hammers." Valdr introduced. He had brown hair and green eyes but did not have the stereotypical beard normally associated with Dwarves. "My brother and I, as well as our battle brothers were sent to reinforce St. Valkyrie from a foretold Dark Elf attack on the city. After the battle was thwarted by the revelation that Pad'maa was a M'hari, a demigod of sorts, and by the efforts of the god Granitous and the goddess Fa'high. We learned that Lord-Warden Pharius, the leader of the Blood Hammers and my uncle was going to lead some manner of coup against the Emperor Beneath the Mountain." Valdr explained.
"Isn't he the High King of the Dwarves?" Another Dwarf asked, this one was closely shaved and also had no beard.
"Not now Hyr." Valdr chided. "After we managed to resolve that, we joined Pad'maa in leading an army to the Dark Elf city of Kabal's Landing."
"Hyr Stoutheart." Anna Blackpaw said.
The Dwarf sitting next to Valdr stood up. "I... I'd like to go home." The bald Dwarf stuttered.
"Look, I understand completely. I want to be home to, I had a whole evening planned out with my fiance before all of... this, started." Davies said empathetically. "But the sooner you get to talking, the sooner we can all go home."
Hyr took several deep breaths before speaking. "My name is Hyr Stoutheart, I'm a Savant, a Dwarven Mage. I was with Valdr when we went to St. Valkyrie. I'm his brother... as I'm certain you figured out."
"You're sure about that? It's possible that your cousins." Pandora snarked.
Hyr then levitated in the air, and lightning came out of his hands. "YOU CALLIN' ME A LIAR?!" Hyr said angrily with a booming voice.
"Hyr!" Valdr shouted. "No... you're better than that."
Hyr took several deep breaths as he floated back into his chair. "Okay... don't use sarcasm with the Dwarf Mage. Gotcha." Davies noted. "Who's next?"
"Vrn Elderbane." Anna read.
Then a humanoid being with draconic features stood up. "I, am Prince Vrn Elderbane. Prince of the Dragon Kingdom of Erye. Son of Tiamat Elderbane. My part in this tale of war and silliness began in earnest when my mother the Queen ordered me to look through a Dark Elf outpost. During this scouting, I came across a chamber where a young Human woman was being held there. I helped her escape, and managed to make our way to St. Valkyrie in time for us to aid in its defense. Afterward, we went to Erye where we sought aid from my mother, High Queen Tiamat the Highly Eccentric." Vrn explained. "However, in the process. We learned that she was a... I'm not sure what the word is, but a recreation of a long-dead Mage known as Tiberius Lavon."
"That would be clone," Davies said. "The technical term for that is clone."
"Really? Well after we sorted out that brief scare in the court. We returned to St. Valkyrie to begin our march to Kabal's Landing in earnest." Vrn said.
"And that's all your allotted to explain," Anna said. "Knara Lavon."
"Wish me luck." The token Human at the table said. "I'm Knara Lavon. Human Mage... and the aforementioned 'clone'. Such a strange word." Knara then strated saying the word clone in as many different ways as she could think to pronounce it.
"Is it weird that she has the same wardrobe as you Aunt Anna?" Pandora asked, as indeed the silver-eyed brown-haired woman was wearing a red shirt with a black skirt.
"Well, if we're apparently working with infinite universes and infinite possibilities. Someone else has to consider that fashionable." Anna reasoned. "Besides, I think it looks cute."
"Amen to that sister," Davies said in agreement.
"-After a while, it doesn't even really sound like a word," Knara said when she finished. "Anyway, after the Battle of St. Valkyrie. We went to Vrn's home with magical research that he got from the fortress. That scarred the Dragons into thinking that I was some kind of Dark Elf creature... which was technically right. But I'm not in league with them I swear!"
"Nobody is accusing you of any wrongdoing," Davies said. "Though it has to be asked... do these particular Dark Elves use necromancy?"
"Yep," Knara said. "As Pad'maa said, they worship a death god, and their main leader is a powerful Necromancer named Koschei. I think that was mentioned before. Apparently, they wanted to make some kind of thrall Mage... at least I hope that was their intention." She said, cringing at the thought of... actually let's leave what she thought to the imagination okay?
"Alright Davies, I'll give that fantasy knock-off of Jurassic Park another look," Anna said to Davies.
"You really mean it?" Davies said excitedly. His fiance nodded. "Oh thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!" He said hugging Anna.
"I honestly expect it to tank... but if it'll make you happy," Anna said as she flinched under her fiance's hug.
"Could you tell us a bit more about your world?" Pandora asked. "There's a chance that I'll end up being there at some point."
"Well, once upon a time. Daavas was a happy place, the gods that ruled this land were fair... if often a bit eccentric. In turn, there was an empire, the Old Empire that spanned the entire world. Ruled by the god of order, Ordfentris. Our world experienced peace, justice, and order unimagined in ages before... until he was assassinated. In the aftermath, our world was broken into Shards by the raw power released by his doom." Valdr explained.
"Wait, why was a god ruling a mortal institution?" Pandora asked.
"That's a long story involving a rotating door of Emperor's and Empress's," Pad'maa said.
"The point is. That Ordfentris ruled for longer and better than those mortal Emperors that ruled before him." Hyr said. "But this is a moot point, compared the reign of terror of the Dark Elves, and Thanatos."
"A fair point. But for some reason, we feel compelled to ask these questions anyway." Pandora said. "And no doubt Clancy could end this affair right now but he's not for stupid reasons he won't share with even me."
"Calm yourself, Pandora," Anna said. "And what of these gods that rule your world?"
"Well, there's Elv-A'dan. The All-Mother, who created Humans and Elves. Then there's Granitious and Fa'high, gods of the earth and sky respectively. There her eldest children, who helped her create Daavas in the first place. They created the races of Dwarves and Dragons respectively." Vrn said.
"Which brings me to the elephant in the room." The Tales of Daavas characters looked around to see if there was a literal elephant in the room. "I meant, that Vrn doesn't really look like a Dragon. I mean he's got the tail and the horns and the scales and the lizard-like legs. He doesn't really look like a Dragon." Then Vrn enveloped himself into a cloud of magical smoke, and when it disappeared a respectably large Dragon emerged.
"I think that's the same... no. I'm wrong, the Dragon on the Welsh flag is red, not green." Anna said. "But I have seen my fair share of draconic heraldry over the years, and you're a dead ringer for it."
"Anyway." Knara continued as Vrn changed back into his humanoid form. "Then there's... at least thirteen more gods and goddesses, each one sans Ordfentris himself created at least one or two races."
"Anyone of interest in your lives?" Anna asked.
"Well... I met this Faoxat while I was going to North Torta to recruit allies. Her name is Twitch." Pad'maa said. "They're a race of fox/bat hybrids."
"Been there, made those myself... it was a terrible idea if anyone's curious," Pandora admitted. "They formed some kind of hivemind and tried to overrun-"
"Anyway," Valdr interrupted. "There are also Centaurs, the Shooraks, the C'tharites, the Anubites, and the Ibisians, the Greym'n, the Mooakins, the Slenaramen, the Chamalians, the Imps, and the Yak-Doodles, then there's the Fluffers and the Peragins. Those are pretty much all of the races that we're created on Daavas." He explained. "Most of them are kind of weird-looking, to be honest."
Davies was writing notes on the names of the other races. "I tell you, these sound like names I'd make up. I mean what even is a Centaur?" Davies asked.
Then without warning, the lead characters of Tales of Daavas: Heroes Dawn vanished through a black hole. "Okay... any idea on whose next? I'm assuming we're not done yet." Pandora asked.
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Tales of Daavas: Winter's Chill
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Then a giant Emperor penguin in Roman Centurian armor. A Human looking woman with pale white, skin red eyes and dressed entirely in black.
Another Human looking woman had bright blue skin, and dark blue hair and clothes.
And some manner of strange creature that had the legs of a ram, the tail of a scorpion, the wings of an eagle, the body of a lion; his arms were like the legs of a hawk, and his head… no one was entirely sure what his head was supposed to be off, but it bore the shape of a crescent moon, had no mouth and his eyes glowed. His skin as a whole was a sort of dark blue
"Hello!" Davies said in surprise. "Well... okay, we're to interview you. Anna, you've got the names again right?"
"Right... Ordfentris?" Anna read, just as confused as her fiance and his niece.
"My name. Is Ordfentris... the god of order, and one-time ruler of Daavas." The strange-looking being said. "Through a string of betrayals, I was slain, and an age of war and woe was unleashed upon Daavas. The Dark Elves and their masters rose and tore my Empire apart. Claiming that Humanity as a whole was responsible for my death and the destruction that it unleashed. As for why I'm obviously alive... my brother Okil threw a spear at the god that I effectively turned into, and I was reborn from that." Ordfentris explained.
"Sounds about right to me," Davies said sardonically.
"Starnac." Anna read.
The blue-skinned woman stood up. "I, am Starnac... the goddess of winter. Long ago during the Sundering, I was stranded on Shard Pruina. A fragment of Daavas that was covered in ice and snow, and has been experiencing twenty-year-long days and nights. When this happened... I sent myself into self-imposed exile, in the belief that I somehow brought these tribulations upon the Peragins and Snow Elves that inhabited the land." Starnac explained.
"Selene." Anna read.
The pale-skinned woman stood up. "My name is Selene... I'm a Vampire. I wasn't always like this. I used to be a Human, I lived in St. Valkyrie with my family. But one day... I was abducted by Vampires and... and turned into one of them. By their leader, Hyperion."
"You don't need to explain further if your uncomfortable dear," Anna said sympathetically. "Avernim Imperator Sutcivni." She read.
The Centurian Penguin stood up. "I, am a Centurian of the Peraging Alliance. When I was little and saw my first sunrise. I learned that my father was lost during the last war leading an attack on the Vampires stronghold, since then I strove to not only avenge him. But to protect those I loved... and thanks to Pad'maa Valkyrie and her friends coming on the ship, the Freedonia Invictus. That desire became all the easier to fulfill. In no small part, because during my first quest besides them, I learned that like Pad'maa. I'm a M'hari." Avernim explained at length.
Davies looked on at the Penguin like being. "Are... you are a giant penguin?" Davies asked in shock at the six-foot-tall penguin.
"I'm a Peragin." Avernim corrected.
"Yes, but your people we're created in the images of penguins," Starnac said.
"And you've made my beloved very happy," Anna said as Davies had a giant smile on his face. "He really likes penguins."
"How exactly were you 'killed' in the first place?" Pandora asked.
Ordfentris groaned. "My brother Okil, was given a magic sword by beings from beyond Daavas that we refer to as Outsiders. He in turn tricked my High Priest, Tiberius Lavon. Into stabbing me with it under false pretenses."
"And your restoration?" Anna asked.
"Around the end of Pad'maa and her friend's adventures to Kabal's Landing. He stabbed me with a magic spear that he either found or was given... well that's not quite right. I was Bureau-Cratanus for the last two-thousand years, but that spear split me from that bore of a deity." Ordfentris said.
"Avernim... could you tell us a little about your family?" Davies said with a giant goofy grin on his face.
"Should I be worried about that question?" Avernim asked, Anna, shook her head no. "Well, I have a husband, Sucram. We have a son named Arkantos." Davies made a low squealing noise. "I'm sorry but his excitement is getting on my nerves."
"Yeah he always got excited regarding penguins," Pandora said.
"Not true... I did have trepidations about this one documentary because of its production company. I liked it but that's beside the point." Davies rambled. "Then there were those 'mature' parody movies-"
"On to a different topic of conversation." Anna interrupted. "Selene, could you tell us a little bit more about Vampires from your world?"
"No," Selene said bluntly. "I'm sorry but... but it's a sore subject for me. Suffice it to say, some are good, some are bad-"
"Actually I was referring to your... composition darling," Anna said. "For example, how does your kind specifically react to direct sunlight?"
"Oh, well that's different," Selene said. "When a Vampire is in direct sunlight, they grow painful blisters, then violently explode."
"So lethal then. From the Vampires I met... well they just painfully dry up from sunlight." Davies said.
"And we can turn into giant bat monsters," Selene explained.
"And how did they first come into being?" Anna asked.
Selene took a deep pensive breath. "No... I don't want to talk about that. All you need to know is that Koschei personally created them, through profane means."
"Fair enough," Anna said sympathetically. "Now for a few more questions-" Ordfentris, Starnac, Selene, and Avernim were sucked into a black hole like the last two Q&A sessions. "Which I'll probably never ask them."
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Tales of Daavas: The Phoenix Crucible.
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Then another group of fantasy characters were dropped at the interviewee table.
"Well, fourth verse. Same as the third." Davies said sardonically.
"Here, here my darling," Anna said.
The interviewee's this time include a parrot sized peacock-like bird with brilliant yellow and red-colored feathers, along with blue feathers on the tips of the wings.
A man wearing stereotypical African tribal garb, and baring a hide shield and flint spears.
Another was a bird-headed man covered in ethereal fire.
The last was a broad green-skinned humanoid with large muscles and boar-like teeth.
"These guys just keep getting weirder," Pandora said to herself. "Names, please. We'll start with Little Bird."
The parrot/peacock bird looked to its sides. "Oh, you were talking about me. My name is C'hol Bluefeather. I am a Phoenix. Since the failed sacking of St. Valkyrie, me and the figure right next to me. Have been keeping on eye on Daavas, so that we might try to help its peoples and gods against Thanatos."
"Really? I've always wanted to meet a Phoenix." Davies said.
"Next is... Unoois-Avar'shina." Anna said.
The bird-headed man stood up. "That would be me. I am Unoois-Avar'shina. The eldest brother of Elv-A'dan, the All-Mother of Daavas. As C'hol said we came to Daavas to look in on my baby sister's Realm. And let me tell you something... I was both heartbroken and outraged that Elvy was nowhere to be found. And that Elves were running amok with their undead minions across her works." Unoois-Avar'shina explained with a booming voice.
"Wow... and I thought you had a deep voice," Anna said to Davies. "Now... and I hope I'm pronouncing this right. Mhari M'falme Shujaa Wanyenyekevu... also, which one is your given name?"
The Human man stood up. "Shujaa was the name my parents gave me. Mhari is what I am, a mortal with the soul of a god. M'falme is my Role within the N'guvu Confederacy of Shard Kesi, I serve on the M'falme Council. Wanyenyekevu was the Tribe I was born into, a tribe of mighty warriors and heroes of renown."
"Well that's a mouthful and no mistake," Anna said. "Now, will Uur Axe-Dancer please stand up?"
Uur stood up. "I am Uur Axe-Dancer. Clan-Lord of the Orcs of the Southern Wastes of Shard Quigui de Tudi. My people were stranded on Daavas when it was hit by the Sundering. And for the last two-thousand year's most of us have been stuck living in the frozen wastelands south of the Shard's largest continent. Having to scavenge and raid the Human lands to survive." Uur explained.
"Well... that's quite a lot say's I.," Davies said. "Okay first. Where does this latest adventure of Pad'maa and friends begin?"
"That would be on my home Shard of Kesi," Shujaa said. "You should have seen that first battle... I was defending the city of Milele-Ukuta from the Dark Elves. When things seemed to turn dire, the Freedonia Invictus arrived, and Pad'maa and the armies of the Coalition appeared as if from mist on the battlefield. Afterward, she and her friends, along with my warriors sought further allies, soon bringing siege upon Fort Night Spear... however, at that zenith of the battle. Pad'maa was cast low by the Archtraitor himself."
"Wait... you mean that Pad'maa is dead?" Davies asked.
"Not entirely," C'hol said. "After her return from Shard Pruina, I gave her some of my blood. That blood enabled her to survive her fatal wounds and burned the undead of Shard Kesi to ash. After that, Unoois-Avar'shina and I brought her to Shard Quigui de Tudi where she was fully reborn. As a Phoenix Born."
"Yes, then after that we went and helped out the Orcs escape the Southern Wastes. Then after that, we journeyed across Quigui de Tudi's eastern lands to acquire aid for the Coalitions invasion of the Shard." Unoois-Avar'shina explained.
"Dark Elf occupation force?" Pandora asked.
"Much worse... much more insidious. For the Dark Elves indoctrinated the men of Da-Dingo into serving their people as god-kings over their people. Setting up cruel Imperium's, nine in total. Each ruled over by an Emperor who answered to the High Emperor. In the hated City of the Jade Throne, atop the loathsome Jade Throne. There so-called 'nobles' would scheme and plot for the 'honor' of being seated on that cursed hunk of ornamental mineral." Shujaa ranted. "All of it exists for the singular purpose of harvesting Human flesh and souls for the Drow's blasphemous magic."
Davies, Anna, and Pandora were floored. "Well... that is quite evil," Pandora said. "I mean I've done my share of terrible things but not Necromancy!"
"And pretty much every Necromancer I ever met would never have tried anything like that... on such a large scale," Anna said frankly. "Well some tried on that scale, but they were normally apprehended before anything came of it."
"And what is the rest of the Coalition doing about this?" Davies asked.
"Pretty much the same thing that Unoois-Avar'shina and his band was doing, finding allies, locating sympathetic parties to help. Pretty much identical to their battle plans since Primaris really." Uur said.
"And how did the war go from there?" Davies asked.
All four of them looked at each other with various looks of guilt and anger. "All we will say. Is that everyone involved had to do things they didn't want to survive. The Coalition underestimated the Imperium's, and their brutality, and their devotion to the Drow. And... Pad'maa was forced to make a choice. Perhaps she could have done both of them... but we'll never know for certain. Suffice it to say, it's a sore spot for everyone. A source of tragedy and humiliation for the men of Da-Dingo, and a source of shame for the Coalition and their allies." Unoois-Avar'shina explained.
"So many people died because of my foolishness," Shujaa muttered to himself.
"Pad'maa was devastated after the Scattering... I should have been more sensitive to her feelings after that." C'hol said.
"I forced at least one-thousand Orc women to undergo a profane magical ritual to create reinforcements for my people... via turning them into literal baby factories." Uur then took a swig from a flask.
"Well... I could have lived a long and happy life without knowing about Brood Mothers." Davies said with a pained look on his face.
"I'm going to chalk it up to coincidence that you guessed right on your first guess," Uur said.
"As for anything else, regarding the Liberation of Shard Quigui de Tudi. All I will say is that we won the war. We committed a great many atrocities to bring it about both great and petty, gods and mortals alike. But we liberated the Shard from Dark Elf rule. Also, HE disappeared for some reason." Shujaa said.
"It's a long story, one I'd rather not risk sharing. See, Ordfentris, Pad'maa, and I went into the Abyssal Void where Thanatos lived. We smuggled ourselves there to uh... make mayhem in his domain. And we did but I had to stay behind for reasons I don't want to share. Because I'd rather not risk it getting out... and on the subject. What kind of magic managed to kidnap a god of my caliber? I'm not angry, I am however impressed that this happened." Unoois-Avar'shina said.
"That was me." Said the spider-like robot/time machine.
"Clancy... why?" Pandora said through gritted teeth.
"Because it was ordained," Clancy said, he then summoned a black hole that sucked up the Tales of Daavas character.
"Which brings me to the question that's been bugging me since this started... why, oh why did you abduct the three of us in particular to interview fictional characters?" Davies asked. "I want to know why we needed to be taken out of our respective presents, our busy lives. Just to ask questions from characters from some independently published book? And for that matter, who 'ordained' that you do all this anyway?"
"Don't bother Uncle Davies... he NEVER gives a straight forward answer for these sorts of things," Pandora said, rubbing her eyes. "Believe it or not this isn't even my first time being dragged into something this stupid and inane... I mean what they said was interesting. But I hate it when Clancy does this!"
"Now go home," Clancy said, abruptly sucking them into portals.
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Davies and Anna were deposited back into Anna's office at the Blackpaw Publishing building. "So... so someone get us back up to speed? We were gone for a bit of time." Anna asked.
"We were bringing up this myopic Ursidae on yet another workplace violation," Davies said contemptibly of the panda bear sitting next to him. "Isn't that right Andrew? You were caught bullying Aka Gekido from Accounting? You were ranting about how she isn't a proper panda, and she turned into that giant kitsune-Esque monster again... oh after almost half a decade of you being a personal thorn in my hide. I hope that you FINALLY get fired you, half-wit."
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Authors Note: The preceding fanfiction was written with the intentional purpose of advertising my books. Which at present includes the following:
The Penguin who went to Santa's Workshop.
Tales of Daavas: Heroes Dawn.
Tales of Daavas: Winter's Chill.
Tales of Daavas: The Phoenix Crucible.
All of these titles are available for download off of Amazon Kindle. I've been unable to figure out how to make them available as physical books. The good news is that the app itself can be downloaded for free on any computer or electronic device that can run it... just a clarification for anyone who didn't already know that.
Each one costs about 2.99 USD.
And now... The End.