Part Cinquante-trois

J&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&LJ&L

A/N: Um, stuff happens? The first part of Valentine's Day.

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Luke woke up first on Valentine's Day, thankful it was a Sunday and Julie didn't have to run off to school for hours. He was nervous enough about it already, he didn't need to sit around second-, and third-, and fourth-guessing himself, he'd done that enough the last few days, ever since Bobby had helped him finish recording his songs for her. The boys had lended a hand by doing some background harmonies and stuff, too.

He knew Reggie would be texting him soon, he had offered to help Luke by picking up the flowers he had ordered, and the chocolate, along with some breakfast from a diner nearby.

In thanks, Luke had also ordered some chocolate-covered marshmallows for his friend, which he knew were his favorites. The boys didn't exchange Valentine's gifts, and until now they really hadn't celebrated the day. Luke used to get his mom some carnations, but that had been pretty much derailed when he was dead. He had thought about it, now that he was alive again, but the idea just opened up a pit in his stomach that made him want to throw up.

'She still doesn't understand,' he had thought to himself, a stab of pain shooting through his chest.

He had blurted his thoughts out to Ray almost a week ago when he was about to order the flowers for Julie, cringing because he believed he was being stubborn and even petty.

But Ray had just looked at him calmly and with understanding, "Mijo, you are allowed to feel however you feel, and if you aren't ready to make that much contact with them now, or yet, or ever, that's okay."

A heavy weight had lifted off Luke's shoulders at the simple reassurance from someone he respected and whose opinion had become truly important to him. He had thanked Ray sincerely, and was relieved that he didn't fall apart crying as he had on several previous occasions when they spoke about his parents. It had felt a little bit like progress.

He mused over this as he lay next to Julie, eyes closed and just savoring the quiet morning with her in his arms. Her nose was pressed to his collarbone, and her hands were loosely holding the front of his t-shirt, his arms curled around her, their legs tangled together. Every breath she took whispered along the collar of his shirt, and the scent of her hair in his face making him smile in happiness.

A soft buzz from his phone on the bedside table made him scrunch his nose and a pout form on his lips. He didn't want to get up, but that had to be Reggie texting that he was on his way with the goods. Very slowly and gently he slipped away from Julie and climbed out of bed, staring at her for a moment, continually awed that she wanted him, chose him, when she could have picked anyone and they'd be the luckiest person ever. Somehow, though, the lucky person was him, and he hoped that his presents today would show her how much that meant to him, how much she meant to him.

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Fender was already downstairs, crunching his dog food, as Ray read the paper and sipped coffee. Ray glanced up when Luke appeared and greeted him with a smile and a quiet, "Good morning."

Luke went over and poured himself a cup of coffee, holding up the pot and then bringing it over to top off Ray's cup when he nodded.

"Reggie on his way?"

"Ye-" Luke cleared his throat, voice still rough from sleep, "Yeah. He'll be here soon."

"She's going to love any present, it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to come from you," Ray's eyes were distant and wistful, but there was a hint of humor in them as well, "Oh, Luke, the stories I could tell you about burned toast and undercooked scrambled eggs... when I was younger and it was just me and Rose in our first little apartment, Valentine's Day was something that I tried so hard to get right... she told me every time, 'I don't need a perfect day, or a perfect present, I just need you.' and she was always right, because some of the best days were the ones where we laughed together about how pitiful my cooking attempts were."

Soft hazel eyes peered at Ray over his coffee cup as Luke finished a sip, "I wish I could have met her."

With a shake of his head and a sniff, Ray blinked rapidly against forming tears, "I wish you could have, too, mijo."

Silence fell over them as they each got lost in their own thoughts. Luke ended up breaking it with a small cough, as he took a USB drive from the pocket of his sweatpants and slid it across the table.

"I- um, I- I don't know exactly if it's weird to give you a present today too, but I do really want you to have this. It's- I came up with it, with Carlos- I mean when he came out to the studio that day- I just, he was crying and I wanted to sing him something and this... it came to me? I feel like it's for both of you, though. It doesn't- it doesn't feel like mine, if that even makes any sense?" Luke was rubbing the back of his neck with an awkward and slightly helpless look on his face, as if he had no idea how to explain himself.

"It's a song?"

Luke blew out a breath and nodded, relaxing at the gently amused and gratified smile Ray graced him with as he picked up the USB drive.

Standing up, Ray tipped his head to the side, "Can I play it now?"

"Yeah. Go ahead."

A few paces away to the counter to grab his laptop and then Ray was back, plugging the drive in and opening the music file, a soft guitar intro flitting through the speakers.

Nobody knows how to say goodbye

It seems so easy 'til you try

Then the moments passed you by

Nobody knows how to say goodbye

By the time Luke's recorded voice had finished the first verse, Ray's face was white with shock, and Luke was panicked.

"Ray? I'm sorry! What's? I don't- I didn't-"

Ray just paused the song and got up, raising one finger to tell Luke to wait. He strode into his office quickly and was back in under a minute.

Setting a small notebook in front of Luke, he traced the flowers on the cover before flipping it open to the third page.

There, in a shaky but artful scrawl, the curve of the letters making Luke think of Julie's handwriting, was the first verse and the fourth, with a few lines in-between that were crossed out.

Love is deep as the road is long

And moves my feet to carry on

It beats my heart when you are gone

Love is deep as the road is long

"Mijo, this is the last song my Rose tried to write. She said she had already written one for Julie, but she wanted to give one to Carlos and I too. It was near the end, and I didn't want to go home for her notebook, so I just went to the hospital gift shop and grabbed this. She tried to write, but she was so tired, and it was only a few days later that she slipped away," Ray had tears rolling down his cheeks as he reached over and pressed play, Luke's voice filling the air once again.

"I-" Luke was also in tears, "It didn't feel like mine..."

He shot up and threw his arms around Ray. With a startled, watery chuckle Ray hugged him tight.

"Thank you, Luke. I already believed you boys were sent by her, but this is some magic I really wasn't expecting."

Luke sniffled and huffed out a tiny laugh of his own, "Me either."

They had barely begun to wipe their faces and try really processing this when the door flew open.

"Luke! You got me chocolate covered marshmallows! I love you so much dude! And I got your flowers here, too Ray," Reggie bounced in the door, an infectious grin on his face.

He was already hopped up on several sugary treats, if Luke knew him at all (and he did of course).

"Reg, how many have you eaten buddy?" smothering a laugh with a hand, Luke stepped over to take his stuff from Reggie's arms.

"Uhhh, well I opened them in the car once I read the little card with my name on it- best 'thank you' ever bro! And, I maybe, kinda, just kept eating another one at each red light?" he gave a sheepish smile at the amusement on both Luke and Ray's faces at that disclosure.

His face dropped as he clocked the traces of tears and still shiny eyes, "Are you two okay? Did something happen?"

Exchanging a glance with Luke, Ray came over and wrapped an arm around Reggie, "Yeah, but it wasn't... bad. It was..." a grin slid over his lips, "...it was bittersweet magic. And I will tell you all about it while Luke goes to give Julie her breakfast and presents." He advised over his shoulder to Luke as he led Reggie to his office, "Make sure there's silverware and napkins in the bags before you go upstairs, you don't want to have to come back down right away."

Luke blinked, filing away Ray's earlier phrase- he was sure he and Julie could write a killer song about 'bittersweet magic' later.

He did do as suggested and made sure there was silverware in the diner bags, then refilled his coffee cup. He quickly turned on the single cup side of the coffee machine with a K-cup of hot chocolate, so he could make a half-and-half cup for Julie, just how she likes it.

"Luke?"

'Crap. She wasn't supposed to wake up yet!' Luke frantically looked around, before bolting for the stairs.

"Jules! Please go back to bed! I have all these plans... please," his voice was desperate as he begged her.

She raised an eyebrow and then narrowed her eyes at him from her position standing at the top of the stairs, but sighed and relented at his big, pleading puppy eyes. She nodded and turned, going back to her room, Luke grinning in victory and darting back to the kitchen to finish putting things together.

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"Jul-ie, I have breakfast!" Luke pushed the door open with his back, bags, and a tray with their coffee on it in his arms.

When he turned around he almost dropped everything, she was just sitting in bed, scrolling through her phone, but she had swapped the big t-shirt she usually slept in, and had still been wearing previously when he sent her back to bed. She was now wearing his old sleeveless 'Rush' shirt, however, and it was short-circuiting his brain.

Julie glanced up at him, then back to her phone, "Took you long enough-" Her eyes flew back up to his in a double take as she registered his expression.

"Ju-Jules-"

A coy smile curled her lips and Luke's breath stuttered in his lungs.

Her eyes dropped to the stuff in his arms then, though, and she grinned happily, "Ooh, what's all that? Is one of those coffees for me?"

He blinked, then stepped forward on autopilot, setting the drink tray and the take-out bags down on her bedside table and trying to swallow with a now desert-dry mouth. He handed her the half-and-half coffee/hot cocoa, and she moaned at the first sip. When she licked her lips after, Luke tried to sit on the edge of the bed with suddenly weak knees and ended up missing completely, landing on his butt on the floor.

"Luke!" Julie gave up on her game, she wanted to fluster him, not injure him, "Are you okay?"

"I- Yeah, I'm-" he looked up at her, only to see her leaning slightly over the bed, the large cut-out sleeves of his shirt allowing him to glimpse just enough of an angle of her sides to see she wasn't wearing a bra. He promptly lay back and closed his eyes, "I'm fine. Just- just please put a sweatshirt on sweetheart."

She looked down at herself and her position leaning over, realizing she had not thought this through enough, especially if they wanted to eat breakfast before it got cold. And whatever he had in those take-out bags smelled really good. She reached over the other side of the bed and snagged his sweatshirt that she had been wearing the day before, pulling it on.

"Okay, I've got a sweatshirt on," her tone was soft and apologetic. They had talked about some things, and they were pretty much letting their physical relationship unfold slowly, always checking in with each other, but trying to keep things feeling natural. They both agreed slowly exploring was what they wanted. Julie sometimes still forgot just how much she affected him, though, and she tried to curb her most outrageous teasing ideas because he did get incredibly flustered. His teasing (when he did any) was always gentle, never pushing, and she knew it was because he wanted her to always be comfortable.

Luke didn't open his eyes right away, just breathing slowly.

"Luke?" her voice was small, "I'm sorry. Can we just eat breakfast?"

A sigh, and his hazel eyes opened to meet her brown ones. He nodded and carefully sat up, moving a little awkwardly. "Go ahead and start, Jules. I'm just gonna need a second," he stood up and left, the sound of the bathroom door closing behind him.

Julie stared at the bags of food and the coffee, feeling awful. She knew he liked her in his clothes, and she hadn't put on any of his old stuff on purpose before. Why she thought today was the best day for that she would never know. Especially when she had felt his nervous excitement over the last week, knew how much he wanted today to go perfectly.

She cursed her impulsive idea, she had made him uncomfortable, just because she had woken up alone and was feeling like getting back at him with some teasing. And for what? She didn't need Valentine's Day to know how much he cared. Didn't need the flowers she was sure were on the counter downstairs for her to see later, or what were probably chocolates in that bag he dropped when he fell. She just needed him, and what she had done wasn't teasing, it was taunting, and it wasn't fair of her.

He came back in and hesitantly sat next to her on the bed, a space between them that would usually never be there.

"Can we eat breakfast, please?" she spoke softly. She needed a few minutes to get her thoughts together, because they needed to talk about this.

"Um, yeah, sure, of course."

They grabbed the take-out boxes and silence fell, aside from the sound of them chewing their waffles and munching on bacon.

As they finished, Luke was somewhat slumped, and the atmosphere was tense. Julie took his box and fork, and hers, and set everything aside, turning to face him directly.

"I'm sorry Luke. Because you are always careful with me, and I feel like I wasn't careful with you today. And that's not okay."

"I-" he wasn't meeting her eyes, and she frowned. Catching his face in her hands, she gently directed it to meet her gaze.

The grey in his eyes was prominent and stormy, very different from the clear green she usually saw when he was looking at her. Her heart broke a little at having caused this.

"Please, Luke. Talk to me."

The words rushed out of him and he closed his eyes, unable to watch how they would affect her, "I never- I've never... I was always focused on music before, but I love you so much and I don't want to mess this up, and I- sometimes it feels like it's just a joke to you, how much you can make me want you."

'Oh.' Suddenly a lot of between-the-lines implications crystalized in her mind. 'I always want you.' and 'I spent so long not being able to touch you, just holding your hand makes me happy.' were just a few things he had said that now made her sigh in disappointment with herself. She loved him too, so much, but he was kinda right, she hadn't really been taking this part quite as seriously as he obviously was.

Maybe it was growing up now, when things are more open, and having talked to her mom about things a lot growing up, but somehow Julie hadn't considered how Luke might be operating from a much different headspace. And she should have. She just assumed they were on the same page because he was all about getting consent from her for everything, she hadn't realized it might be a little bit for him, too.

He died when he was only 17. She was 17 now and she knew where she was at, or not-at as it were, experience-wise. She knew him, knew he wasn't the stereotype of the bad-boy rocker, he was a dork who loved music, and his friends, who just wanted to share a connection with people through his music. How had she overlooked this?

"Luke. I need you to know, it's not a joke to me. But it is supposed to be fun, and I didn't realize how my teasing... might come across to you. I never want to make you uncomfortable, okay? But you need to talk to me, the same way you ask me to talk to you," Julie pressed her forehead to his, thumbs caressing his cheeks, "Can you forgive me, mi alma?"

A sigh whispered over her lips, and the tension coiled in his body released, she felt it as he looped his arms around her waist and pulled her into his lap. His forehead slipped off hers, dropping to her shoulder, "Always, Jules. I love you."

Julie hands had dropped from his jaw, one now reaching to run through his hair, the other twisting in the strands that lay against his neck, "I don't want to mess up any more of your plans for today, but I would really like to just stay here and hold you. Can we do that?"

"Those were my plans. I have some chocolate in that bag on the floor, and I have a CD I wanted you to listen to. I just wanted to hang out with you today, Jules," he was still speaking into her shoulder, not quite ready to look her in the face again yet.

She winced, knowing he didn't mean to, but the slight hurt still lacing his words crushed her. Her fingers froze in his hair for a beat, but when he attempted to lift his head in question, she held him gently in place.

"How about we lay down for a little nap first, then we can listen to the CD and eat some chocolate, that sound okay?"

"Yeah... okay."

They scooted down in the bed, Julie keeping him close to her. She decided this time she was going to hold him like she was protecting him from the world, rather than letting him do it for her.

"Let me hold you this time, Luke, all right?"

He nodded once, face now tucked into her neck, and pulled the blanket over them, with a hand and arm he curled over and around her waist.

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A/N: I did not expect this to go the way it did. I sat with it and almost scrapped half of it, but just left it and took a step back, then revised it, and revised again, and then again. And now I think I am at least content with how it turned out, compared to rather disliking it when I only had my first draft.

Song is 'Nobody Knows' - The Lumineers