I find myself most anxious about returning to school, even though it is not for some weeks yet, it would be foolhardy to expect a sudden change in my feelings to occur between now and the start of the semester.
The final weeks before I confessed to her were agonising and soon I shall have to face her, witness the disgust on her face and work to keep up the pretense of living, both physically and emotionally, to those around me.
Before, I think I used to be a good actor, but no longer. I have lost the confidence in my ability necessary to persuade others.
I do not know who I am at all now. I never did, I just assumed I did. I never gave much thought to it beyond the surety that I was better than everyone else and they were all dreadfully cretinous. These days I can no longer trust my own assessment of situations, having been so convinced that the worst possible course of action were the very best. My own best thinking led me so thoroughly astray.
Even alone I feel exposed and vulnerable, like a hunted animal trapped in the gaze of an approaching predator. Nobody is hunting me, I am the predator. I still feel the overwhelming sense of dread closing in rapidly from all sides. I think it is the truth I have hidden from that I feel so cornered by.
That is when I am alone, it shall be far worse when out in the world. People have expectations I cannot meet.
Worst of all, I have enduring feelings for her which are impossible to quell and I fear she will sense that. My face will surely betray me the moment she fixes her gaze upon me. Before then even, as soon as I hear her heartbeat or catch her scent. God, I am so perturbed, knowing how it will all undo me in an instant and I shall be utterly powerless to prevent or conceal it. I am consumed by guilt for having so little control, it is so wrong to love her, it is a violation, she does not want it. I feel horribly responsible for my failure to neutralize these emotions. I am enslaved by them, tormented. I do not want to feel it because it hurts her, because she does not want me to, because she deserves for me not to feel this. It is so painful to know I am failing her in this way.
The way I feel for her, it is the strongest thing I have ever encountered. Far stronger than the urge to drink, stronger than my lust, her physical draw, my old delusions and egotism, my demonic desire to possess her, stronger than my desire to die even. It is a wild and untameable thing, fierce and disobedient, obdurate and unknowable. It is entirely terrifying.
A/N: Please leave a review! Edward is going through a lot of anxiety these days. He seems more aware of it than he used to be. If you too suffer from anxiety and depression then I really hope you're having an ok day and that this entry didn't bring you down.
Fanfic can be a great escape and coping mechanism when you need a mental break, so I feel a bit worried that I might be bumming readers out too much. To avoid that I plan on uploading the chapters without comedy in batches so that those who are here for the laughs aren't too alienated by the tonal change and can whizz through them. I sincerely hope you will fall in love with him on the other side of all of this. The only way out is through.
Massive thanks to the creative, kind and funny wh1teow1 for being beta for this story. Please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!
Just a reminder that Edward cannot continue being so atrocious to everyone indefinitely. It is time he ate some humble pie. He will come back to you in his trademark Bonerward/Prudeward style, but he needs to have a difficult adolescence first. Thanks for bearing with him.