Monday evening Kurt headed to the restroom as soon as he put Sebastian's electric cello down at the tables they had chosen. He was single-minded on his way and realized on his way back that he had walked right past Cooper Anderson. He weighed his options quickly, but didn't want to be rude, so he stopped.
"Hey, Cooper. Long time, no see. What's brought you from sunny LA to the big Apple during such a dreary season?"
He laughed. "A shoot of course. I got a role in an indie film. It's set in New York City, so we're here filming all of the outdoor scenes on site for a couple of weeks. And the rest is being filmed in Toronto in a studio."
"Well, that's cause for congratulations."
"Thanks."
Kurt had nothing left to say, nor the inclination to draw Cooper into a longer conversation. "It was nice to see you."
"Yeah, you too, Kurt."
Kurt headed back and sat down next to Sebastian. "Cooper's here."
Sebastian looked at him, clearly trying to place the name and coming up short.
"Blaine's brother."
"Oh."
"He got a part in a movie and they're filming here for a couple of weeks."
"Cool. Are you ready?"
"I am."
"We should be up soon. I signed us up when you left for the restroom."
Kurt turned and pecked him on the lips. "Thanks."
Sebastian slipped his arm across the back of Kurt's chair and ran his thumb along Kurt's shoulder. Kurt scooted his chair closer to Sebastian's and relaxed until he saw Blaine take the stage, pick up a guitar, and sit down on the stool in front of the mic.
He flashed his charming, bashful smile at the audience. "So, I'm Blaine and this is my first time here. I want to apologize up front for insulting the Big Apple in my song. I wrote this a little over a year ago when the love of my life moved here. I was back in Ohio alone and lonely." He began strumming and closed his eyes briefly before he started to sing.
I hate New York City.
All the lights are way too bright.
Million people on the street.
They're all living their own lives.
And I'm a stranger.
Just a face they'll never know.
Somebody unimportant.
People come and people go.
The world's so big and I'm so small.
The ocean's deep as the sky is tall.
Sometimes I feel like I'm nobody at all.
But you make me feel like I'm someone, you do.
'Cause I know I'm someone to you.
You make me feel like I matter, you do.
'Cause I know I matter to you.
I hate busy parties.
All the music's way too loud.
Feel like nobody can see me.
But you hold me in the crowd.
And for a moment,
I feel better being there.
Like I'm somebody important.
Just because I know you care.
The world's so big and I'm so small.
The ocean's deep as the sky is tall.
Sometimes I feel like I'm nobody at all.
You make me feel like I'm someone, you do.
'Cause I know I'm someone to you.
You make me feel like I matter, you do.
'Cause I know I matter to you.
I know I matter to you.
Sebastian leaned into Kurt and spoke quietly. "I swear I did not see his name on the list."
"He probably put his middle or last name. I'm not interested in sitting here and being serenaded all evening by my ex. Can I use our spot to sing my rebuttal?"
"Sure, babe. Knock yourself out. Add my name too before you go up on stage. I'm going to sing the song I wrote after we both asked him to back off when Rachel was Face-Timing with him that night."
"You can add it yourself when we get up there." He got everyone's attention and told them what he wanted to sing. They all followed him up to the stage. He stepped up to the mic alone.
"Those of you who come on Monday nights frequently have heard me sing this a few times. I've never really said anything about it before though. I started keeping a journal a little over a year ago after my boyfriend came to see me just two weeks after I had moved here and told me that he had cheated on me and blamed me for it, saying that I hadn't been there for him when he needed me. This song is an amalgamation of entries in that journal spanning a 6-month period, all snapshots in time – how I felt at the moment I wrote them. At times I was hurt, others angry. At first I missed him and what we had. I don't hate him anymore, but it's over."
You got your issues.
I get that, but so do I.
That's not an excuse to hide,
Behind your ugly pride.
How was it so easy,
So damn easy for you to lie?
When I gave you my heart, my trust.
You just wasted my time.
But if I'm being honest I miss you,
But I hate you at the same time.
You broke your promise, now I don't know,
What was real or a lie.
If I'm being honest I don't wanna let go,
But I fell in love with someone that I don't know,
If I'm being honest.
There's no coming back from this.
You did what you did.
And you gotta live with it, yeah yeah.
There's no coming back from this.
You did what you did.
And you gotta live with it.
You called me crazy.
But you made me feel this way.
I gave you so much, it wasn't enough.
All you did was take,
Messed with my head, you made your bed,
Now in it you lay.
You're all alone, ignoring your phone.
You've got nothing to say.
So tired of trying and trying,
While you were denying,
That you never lied.
And now you've gone in hiding.
You can't even try to fix,
What you did.
You ripped me to pieces,
Yet you're the one speechless.
Now my nights are sleepless,
'Cause you saw my weakness.
A little naïve,
And I gave more than I had to give.
Oh-whoa-oh.
I hate you, what you did,
And I can't get over it.
But the sad fact is I can't get you,
Out of my head.
There's no coming back from this.
You did what you did.
Now I gotta live with it.
The audience clapped enthusiastically. Kurt scooted into Sebastian's side when they sat back down.
"You were amazing, babe. Everyone loves to listen to you sing." He gently turned Kurt's face towards him and kissed him softly. He leaned into Kurt's neck and spoke quietly into his ear. "I love you."
Santana looked at them and said, "You two are gross."
"We know," Kurt smarted back and smiled like usual. He sighed as Blaine took the stage again after the next song.
This time Blaine sat down at the keyboard. "I wrote this song after my boyfriend broke up with me."
I'm going under, and this time, I fear there's no one to save me.
This all-or-nothing really got a way of driving me crazy.
I need somebody to heal,
Somebody to know,
Somebody to have,
Somebody to hold,
It's easy to say,
But it's never the same.
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain.
Now the day bleeds,
Into nightfall.
And you're not here,
To get me through it all.
I let my guard down.
And then you pulled the rug.
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.
I'm going under, and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you.
Now, I need somebody to know,
Somebody to heal,
Somebody to have,
Just to know how it feels.
It's easy to say,
But it's never the same.
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape.
Now the day bleeds,
Into nightfall.
And you're not here,
To get me through it all.
I let my guard down,
And then you pulled the rug.
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.
And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts.
Sometimes I fall into your arms.
I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around.
For now the day bleeds,
Into nightfall.
And you're not here,
To get me through it all.
I let my guard down,
And then you pulled the rug.
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved.
Santana's eyes were fire when she looked at Kurt. "You pulled the rug? What a smug bastard. As if he could just say 'Sorry' and magic it all away. Come on." She motioned to all of them. She changed the song from what they had planned on the way up to the stage.
Kurt stepped up to the mic. "As you can probably guess, the words for this song came during the same time period, after my boyfriend cheated on me and wanted me to take him back. And part of it came after I was dumb enough to believe another lie. That's on me, and it's something I almost fell for again after that, but I'm past all of that now. You know this one too."
Elliott and Chandler provided the music. Santana and Dani sang along in places. Sebastian provided additional percussion with snaps, claps, and stomps.
You keep calling. You keep calling,
Saying that you want it back.
All my loving, all my loving,
But you can't, you can't.
You keep trying, you keep trying,
With that sweet talk on your tongue.
But I'm not buying. I'm not buying.
I can't. I can't.
Cause you had your chance and you blew it.
Yeah, you ripped it up, and you chewed it.
And the more you talk, you prove it.
Yeah, you prove it.
By this point, quite a few people were singing along.
That damn, you're such a –
Did you think that I would let you,
Crawl right back into my bedroom,
After everything we've been through?
I know the truth.
That damn, you're such a,
Difficult little Devil,
Trying to put it back together,
Cause you see I'm doing better,
Without you now.
Damn, you're such a –
(Da da di da da, da da di da da.)
Damn, you're such a –
(Da da di da da)
I know the truth.
Damn, you're such a –
You can take your lies to your next boyfriend,
Cause I don't wanna hear it anymore.
And if you're all that's left when the whole world ends,
No, I still don't wanna hear it anymore.
(Da da di da da) mmm
Damn, you're such a –
(Da da di da da)
Damn, you're such a –
Did you think that I would let you,
Crawl right back into my bedroom,
After everything we've been through?
I know the truth.
That damn, you're such a –
Difficult little Devil.
Trying to put it back together,
Cause you see I'm doing better,
Without you now.
Damn, you're such a –
They finished to a rousing round of applause.
Kurt moved to the keyboard with Dani, who reset the upper part of the keyboard to sound like a saxophone and the lower part to an '80s-vibe synthesizer. Elliott picked up the bass. Sebastian adjusted the strap on Dani's guitar and stepped up to the mic. "I wrote this a couple of months ago. I only performed it once, not long afterward. I wrote it in response to my boyfriend's ex continuing to stick his nose where it doesn't belong. I never had any intention of singing it again, but here we are."
By this point, the audience had caught on to the musical showdown that was going on.
So, you call and you say that you made a mistake.
But it's already too late, I've already taken your place.
And I'm sad for the pain, how it gets in your way.
I'm in his bed and his heart, and I'm intending to stay.
I know that you want what you can't have.
You had your chance, let it slip right through your hands.
And you know, these clocks ain't turning back, no.
Now it's my time, so you don't need to worry.
He's mine.
So don't ask around, checkin' up if he's alright.
You don't need to worry, he's mine.
Don't creep around, dude. This ain't your life.
You don't need to worry, he's mine.
Oh you're mad? That's fine, but just know that he's mine.
Can't you see things have changed?
He ain't callin' your name.
Please don't turn up at his door.
You are not welcome no more, no.
And I've tried being kind.
Cause I know what it's like.
Look, we aren't friends.
I won't say this again.
Gotta get you somebody.
Gotta get him off your mind.
Won't get him back.
Don't you even waste your time.
Gotta get you a hobby.
Gotta find you someone nice.
I make him happy.
You don't need to worry.
He's mine.
So don't ask around, checkin' up if he's alright.
You don't need to worry, he's mine.
Don't creep around, dude. This ain't your life.
You don't need to worry, he's mine.
Oh you're mad? That's fine, but just know that he's mine.
They got a hardy round of applause. They sat back down and listened to a few more people before Blaine retook the stage.
He sat down at the keyboard and adjusted the mic. "I realize that I was the one to destroy what we had, but I learned my lesson. I still love the man who is my soulmate. I still believe that we're meant to be together. I want him to know how much it hurts not having him in my life, how I'd do anything to get him back."
There goes my heart beating,
Cause you are the reason,
I'm losing my sleep.
Please come back now.
There goes my mind racing.
And you are the reason,
That I'm still breathing.
I'm hopeless now.
I'd climb every mountain,
And swim every ocean,
Just to be with you,
And fix what I've broken.
Oh, cause I need you to see,
That you are the reason.
There goes my hands shaking,
And you are the reason.
My heart keeps bleeding.
I need you now.
If I could turn back the clock,
I'd make sure the light defeated the dark.
I'd spend every hour, of every day,
Keeping you safe.
I don't wanna fight no more.
I don't wanna hide no more.
I don't wanna cry no more.
Come back I need you to hold me.
(You are the reason.)
Come a little closer now.
Just a little closer now.
Come a little closer.
I need you to hold me tonight.
I'd climb every mountain,
And swim every ocean,
Just to be with you,
And fix what I've broken.
'Cause I need you to see,
That you are the reason.
Kurt's face was resolute. Blaine's words were just frustrating him at that point. "He's not listening at all." He stood up and went back to the stage with everyone following along behind him the next time one of their names came up. He told them his song choice on the way up. Kurt, Santana, and Dani stepped up to the mics.
Kurt took a deep breath. "Just because someone is sorry doesn't mean that the aggrieved party owes the person forgiveness. And even if the person chooses to forgive, that doesn't imply that anything will return to the way it was before the person was hurt. Oftentimes, the continued apologies just prolong the pain the already injured person is experiencing. And sometimes the injured person realizes they're better off out of the relationship than they were while they were in it. You know this one too."
You don't get to hurt me.
You don't get to hurt me.
We were good 'til it wasn't,
'Til it all fell apart.
Every tear wasn't worth it,
So I had to move on.
We were done from the get go.
I wouldn't say we were friends.
But I ain't easy to let go.
You don't have to pretend.
They had sung the song several times and quite a few of the people in the audience began to sing along.
You're acting like a child now,
Trying to take your anger out.
Well, get my name out of your mouth,
If you're just gonna tear me down.
Don't be so bitter, how 'bout we keep it sweet?
No need to talk to me like we're enemies.
No, you were never worth all my energy.
And just 'cause you're hurting don't mean you get to hurt me.
Tell me. Tell me.
How can I help you get to the healing?
Why you gotta have so many feelings?
Tell me. Tell me.
Are you mad for a whole 'nother reason?
Why you gotta have so many feelings?
You're acting like a child now,
Trying to take your anger out.
Well, get my name out of your mouth,
If you're just gonna tear me down, oh.
Don't be so bitter, how 'bout we keep it sweet?
No need to talk to me like we're enemies.
No, you were never worth all my energy.
And just 'cause you're hurting don't mean you get to hurt me.
You don't get to hurt me.
No, no, no, no.
You don't get to hurt me.
The audience clapped enthusiastically. They went back to their table. Kurt just waited in silence expecting another song, arms crossed, eyes dark, practically seething. Sebastian put his arm across the back of Kurt's chair with his hand lightly touching his shoulder, but nothing more. In response to Sebastian's gentle touch, Kurt scooted closer and pressed his thigh to Sebastian's. Less than 10 minutes later, Blaine was back up to the mic.
"All I can hope is that the man who means everything to me will really listen to the words of this song."
I didn't mean to hurt you,
So why'd I let you walk out the door?
You said that you don't know me,
You don't know who I am anymore.
But if you knew the truth then,
Then, you wouldn't feel insecure.
'Cause if I didn't have you,
I wouldn't have nothing at all.
I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.
I always forget that you can't read my mind.
As long as I got you and me,
Moving through this world as a two-man team.
I'll always have everything I need.
You don't even realize, what you mean.
No one can fall for you quite like me.
No one can get me so perfectly.
You don't even realize.
You're all that I need 'cause I want,
You and me, you and me.
I know one day we'll look back,
Stories on the tip of our tongues,
A library full of pages,
Remembering when we fell in love.
All of the broken hearts and the stupid mistakes,
Have got us to where we are, it was worth all the pain.
Yeah, we'll look back, we'll look back and laugh.
As long as I got you and me,
Moving through this world as a two-man team,
I'll always have everything I need.
You don't even realize, what you mean,
No one can fall for you quite like me.
No one can get me so perfectly,
You don't even realize,
You're all that I need 'cause I want.
You, you, you and me, me, me together.
Oh, I want you, you, you and me, me, me forever.
You and me, you and me.
You and me, you and me.
Kurt stood up resolutely. When Sebastian started to stand, Kurt shook his head and Sebastian sat back down. "I'd like you and Isabelle to go sit at the table with Blaine and Cooper." He turned to Isabelle. "If that's okay with you. I was hoping that maybe you'd be willing to sit with me and Cooper and Blaine and have a conversation. Sebastian can go home with the instruments after the car drops the four of us off. I want this to be the last song. This is over." He paused and recited a line from the song. "We'll look back and laugh? He's delusional. I would never look back at his 'stupid mistake', as he's calling it, and laugh about it."
"Yeah, sure, Kurt. I'm not a therapist or anything, but I'd be willing to just be a voice of reason and support while the two of you talk."
She and Sebastian moved to sit with them while Kurt made his way to the stage alone. He asked the person that was up next if they could trade spots in the queue.
She nodded sadly. "Your ex is a piece of work who doesn't seem to know the meaning of the word 'no'."
"You have no idea. Thanks." He chose a song from the karaoke list and stepped up to the mic. "Obviously, I didn't write this song, but it's fitting as an end to this musical conversation." He nodded to the guy to start the music.
Say you're sorry.
That face of an angel,
Comes out just when you need it to.
As I paced back and forth all this time,
Cause I honestly believed in you.
Holding on. The days drag on. Stupid me.
I should have known.
I should have known.
That I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairy tale.
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood. This is a small town.
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now, it's too late for you and your white horse to come around.
Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes,
And never really had a chance.
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love,
You had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams,
About you and me.
Happy endings.
Now I know.
And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me,
Just like I always wanted, but I'm so sorry.
'Cause I'm not your princess. This ain't a fairytale. Oh, it's too late,
I've found someone that actually treats me well.
This is a big world. That was a small town.
There in my rear view mirror, disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your white horse.
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now.
To catch me now.
As soon as the applause died down, Sebastian and Isabelle stood with Blaine and Cooper while Kurt retrieved the instruments.
Santana approached the table with Kurt, carrying the cello. She handed it to Sebastian and spoke to Blaine. "I thought I made myself clear last night."
Everyone looked confused, except for Blaine, who remained stoic.
"I made it abundantly clear for you to stay away from Kurt when I saw you at the musical last night."
"Is that where you disappeared to?" Sebastian asked.
"Yeah. I saw him in the line for the men's room when I went to check my coat at intermission because I was tired of holding it. I waited out of sight and followed from a distance to see where he was sitting. I made a beeline for him when the show ended."
Cooper looked at him. "You went to watch Kurt last night?"
Blaine rolled his eyes. "I told you I was going clubbing. You didn't seem to care about that. I went clubbing afterwards. I didn't lie to you."
"You didn't mention that Kurt would be here either and you made it seem like a coincidence. I'm thinking that it wasn't. Let's go with this beautiful lady and have that talk Kurt wants to have. It seems long overdue."
Santana turned and left with Dani, who had been waiting for her by the door. The five of them piled in the car that Isabelle had called for. Kurt and Sebastian put the instruments in the trunk and got in and sat next to Isabelle, across from Blaine and Cooper. Kurt took Sebastian's hand and interlaced their fingers. He gently caressed Sebastian's thumb with his own as they rode in silence to the Conde Nast building.
"Original" Songs in this Chapter
"Matter to You" by Sasha Sloan (2020)
"If I'm Being Honest" by Anna Clendening (2019)
"Someone You Loved" by Lewis Capaldi (2019)
"You're Such A" by Hailee Steinfeld (2016)
"He's Mine" by Mahalia (2019)
"You are the Reason" by Calum Scott (2018)
"Hurt Me" by Meghan Trainor (2019)
"You & Me" by James TW (2019)
"White Horse" by Taylor Swift (2008)