02/17/2021
I didn't think I'd have a chapter out this week but here we are. Lot's of reactions to the last one, let's see what CG will handle himself in the next three chapters that follow.
Shout out to Cricket582!
i watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar
The thing about LA that Ana loved most wasn't just the weather, the vibrancy of architecture, clusters of bougainvillea that brought back color to her eyes after hours of staring at the screen or the rush and variety of incredible cuisine to choose from but the simple fact that it wasn't New York.
Last year, LA marked the true beginning of Ana trying to find out who she was. New York would always be home but there was always a dark cloud that loomed in the distance in the form of bad memories– an inextricable part of her identity.
The sun was always shining in LA. She felt lighter–it started as a clean slate and had remained that way ever since. Belle liked it too, they seemed to breathe easier and it also helped that it was always ice-cream season no matter what. She'd never had a low here, only happy memories–of a new beginning.
September 2017
"Namesharer, I think we should move to LA, New York isn't our vibe."
Ana laughed. "We're poor, remember?"
"The travel fund we've been saving up, once we get to $2000, let's move out there. Maybe it's New York that's the problem. LA will be a fresh start, I think we could really do well. It'll be safer." She turned to face Ana who was staring straight up at the dark September sky. "With our movie star looks, who knows maybe we'll get scouted or some shit. Can you imagine? Just think about it. I bet the guys are cuter too." They both giggled.
"What about Bar Luxe?" Ana asked. "You've been obsessing over it. And $2000 isn't enough to move out there. We need to find a place to live and jobs and..." her voice trailed into silence at the thought. They're just too many unintended expenses with a move like that.
"Jake said he's put in a good word with management again, I gotta believe that third time's the charm. If I get it, I'll work 6 to 8 months or whatever and we'll save all my tips and then decide whether or not to start the catering business or move out of this city. We're barely living as it is."
"I wish I was brave enough to dream like you." Ana sighed.
She felt like a heavy weight in Anabelle's life and often wondered why Anabelle still stuck with her but the truth is that they needed each other. Anabelle could face the world and make it dance for herself but in the privacy of their apartment when she broke down, Ana was the only one to build her back up.
"Namesharer, dreaming is free." She breathed with a rueful smile on her lips. "One day our luck will change and we will live those dreams but we gotta keep trying, y'know. Trust me, we've got this."
Ana spoke into the night sky as tears pricked her eyes. "I trust you, Namsharer."
May 2020
Once they arrived in LA, the weekend was spent visiting HQ to check in and help out with the team for their events followed by socializing and catching up with friends. The days that followed were packed either prepping for the following weekend's events or taking meetings and a cover shoot for the July cover of Harper's Bazaar showcasing powerful women. Ana was going to share the cover with Serena Williams and have a three page spread with Belle talking about her life story and the importance of having and building a strong team around herself.
Work didn't feel like work in LA, the laid back vibe helped with that. Sure, the car culture was abysmal and enough to make you want to rip your hair out but it didn't faze Ana much. At one point when she had finally accepted that Chris wasn't going to come back, the idea of moving to LA seemed appealing and something she would work towards for the later part of 2020, thereby living the bi-coastal lifestyle.
Except, now Chris was back in their lives and the future was looking different. His entire life was in New York. Maybe I should try to lighten my workload a little so we can really see how this goes? Her schedule was jam-packed till the beginning of July followed by having the month of August off and then she would have to dive back into work to film her documentary with Netflix starting September till November. That alone would create so much distance. Many times couples would break up before they could really even be together because of schedules. Would this be another sacrifice she would have to make? How long till he couldn't take it anymore? There was still so much she wanted to do and explore for herself and now to stop before she even scratched the surface worried her a little.
Chris's place in Beverly Hills was beautiful and very different from his full time residence back in New York. This house looked like something out of a private villa you would see for a vacation resort in Bali; with dark mahogany finishes and landscaped gardens surrounding the house to make you feel like you were truly living in paradise.
Belle seemed to agree with her new digs too given the litany of things that were within arms reach and ready to be explored. Most of Ana's time was spent reminding her of the fwee wules.
Mr. & Mrs. Whelan who were caretakers of the residence seemed adamant to keep Ana out of the kitchen under strict orders from Chris, which bothered her since she liked to cook. Given that Bradley and Irina were coming over tonight with their daughter Lea, she felt uncomfortable asking Chris' staff to prepare food to entertain her guests.
This evening was about catching up and Irina testing Ana's Russian for the screentest for tomorrow. While she had a good handle on the language now, given her private tutoring lessons since last fall, she still liked to run it by Irina. Since she had no one else to speak it with, they spoke on the phone often for practice and also to help Cooper and Irina's daughter, Lea learn the language. It was a point of pride for Ana that Belle would learn Russian, Spanish and hopefully French from Chris in addition to English. She wanted her exposed to all that life had to offer and show her the world.
Ana and Alice were sitting out on the lanai by the pool working on their respective laptops while Belle played with her toys and books on the couch between them and some snacks within reach on the coffee table in front of them.
Alice had been on edge about what happened at dinner with Chris and Jose the week before. She never kept anything from Ana and now she had two things weighing on her; the low that Chris had witnessed back at the Glen Cove house and their less-than-pleasant discussion. Jose has strictly forbade Alice from opening her mouth over the phone last night.
"Garcia, if he wants to be the one to tell her we need to respect that. They have enough problems communicating as it is, let them deal with it." Jose said irritably.
"We are not supposed to be keeping shit from her. I don't like it."
"I know but they need to navigate this themselves."
"She will kill us."
Jose groaned. Alice was right but nothing could be done."I know but we can take it. Those two are already on shaky ground… we're the backup team, let's just stay that way. He said he would tell her about the dinner soon and we have to believe that."
"She doesn't deserve this, Jose. He has no fucking idea how much she loves him and I just don't want him to break her heart again."
"You don't think I fucking know that, Alice? I'm terrified he'll do some shit and she'll get shattered but I also have to believe she's stronger now. Just knowing that we're on her side is the only thing that helps me breathe easier." He paused for a few moments before speaking again. "In the end, we're doing this for her and Belle and if he wants to be a part of their lives, we need to help facilitate that and you need to please work on learning how to be diplomatic about saying shit."
"I know, I know. Fuck, I know. I'm trying."
"Alice?" Ana called out a little hesitantly. "Can I ask you something?"
Alice tensed momentarily before looking back at her boss. "Uh, yeah… sure."
"It's about…" She giggled. "Um, you know…"
Alice began laughing. "SEX? YOU WANNA ASK ME ABOUT SEX?" Ana immediately covered Belle's ears and gave her a pointed look. "Oh whatever, she doesn't know what it is."
"I know but I don't want to openly talk about it, I was just going to ask about, well…" Alice leaned over and gave her an encouraging look. "I've been talking with Sylvia and I think I'm ready to take that next step but I don't want to do anything wrong in that department since I don't know much and our girl talk from a few weeks ago wasn't really about the mechanics of things so… um, yeah..."
"That's okay, he knows that right?" Alice asked and Ana nodded pursing her lips together. ""I'll book ya some spa treatments for Friday afternoon, we'll clean you and fluff you up before you head back to New York on Monday. I'll even stick you out in the sun to tan you up." Both women laughed. "Honestly, Ana… go with your gut and what feels right. It's like I've said before, a good partner makes the experience feel safe and takes care of you and we know homeboy is a fan of the salad dressing."
Ana returned her words of encouragement with a tentative smile still feeling unsure. She hadn't really talked much to Chris in these past days outside of the few minute Facetime calls with Belle. Even his texts had been a little reserved in comparison to before and he wouldn't reply as immediately as he used to. He told her that some things had come up at GEH so he was a little busy. In an effort to not appear clingy, Ana tried her best to text much either and focus on her work in LA.
"What's on your mind, Ana?" Alice asked.
"I'm just…" Ana exhaled with a pained expression before shaking off the sadness. "I'm torn between loneliness and trying not to get hurt again. The only way to move forward is to believe him, that things are different this time around right?" She looked to Alice for confirmation who nodded with a tight smile. "He says he wants all these things with me and I-I...I think I want to try. I want to be loved and have happiness too." Her eyes glistened as she spoke the last words fighting the heaviness that crept over her. "I want to want things for myself, I don't want to be scared anymore."
"Listen to me boss, in the wise words of Mama Shonda, Goddess of Wonderland who revealed the words of wisdom through her messenger Cristina; don't let what he wants eclipse what you need. He's very dreamy. He is not the sun, you are. So yeah, if this is what you ultimately want, then go for it."
Ana gave her as grateful of a smile as she could muster in the moment before getting up to pick up Belle and take her in for lunch time.
"Ana?" Alice called out.
"Yeah" Ana turned around and replied automatically. Belle was resting on her hip, fully engrossed with the A necklace around her mother's neck.
"I just want you to know that I'm always on your side no matter what. I know I sometimes say shit that seems harsh– and I'm working on that but no matter what, I will always be on yours and Belle's side. Till the end." The seriousness in her expression puzzled Ana for a moment.
"I know, Awice. You and Jose are my ride or die." Just like my Namesharer was.
"Ride or die." She nodded in return and bellowed to the heavens. "Love you, Christine Spencer."
It was a tradition that Alice had started when she was hired. Every night before leaving she would whisper to Ana's belly and now Jose and Alice would always cheer those words before leaving Ana's house. It became yet another poignant way to keep Spencer alive in their lives.
"Love you, Awice." She replied with a teary smile.
Belle clapped. "Wove you, Awice."
Bradley and Irina were still another 30 mins out and Belle was happily munching down some cheese and cucumber pieces in her highchair while talking to Mrs. Whelan who was having a blast having a little bear to keep her company this week.
Ana hadn't heard much from Chris at all since yesterday and found herself missing him. It's 9:30pm in New York, he should be free, right?
"Grey." Chris answered the phone not checking the caller ID this time, in his usual abrupt manner, which unfortunately was something that Ana was dealing with for the first time. His voice sounded cold and made the hairs on the back of her neck standup.
"Uhh, I'm so-sorry… I can call back later if you're busy." She stammered.
"No, it's okay. I was just expecting a work call. I still have a few minutes" His tone softened a little but still sounded formal.
What Ana didn't know was that he had just come back from a difficult therapy session earlier in the evening and the irritable energy hadn't dissipated. Working out in the gym didn't help, eating dinner didn't help, sex could help but that's not something he had access too. Jacking off wasn't exactly an exciting prospect anymore either.
"Is something wrong?"
"No, Anastasia, I've just been busy." He exhaled, closing his eyes and taking a sip of his scotch. His mind was still a minefield of conflicting thoughts.
Ana swallowed and looked towards Belle, she'd been asking to talk to him all day but given how this interaction was going he didn't seem like he was in a good mood at all and she didn't want to subject Belle to that.
"Uhh… have you eaten?" Maybe he was grumpy when he didn't get food on time like Belle. That would make sense.
"Of course, I have. I'm not in the habit of missing a meal." He replied flippantly. Ana felt the sting of those words and she got teary-eyed while a lump began to form in her throat.
"That's a good habit, I guess." She replied a little brokenly, failing to conceal the hurt in her voice. "I'll leave you to your call. Have a good night."
"Ana, no wait..." He pleaded. "I'm sorry, I'm just dealing with a lot of stuff. I didn't mean–"
"It's okay Chris, you should deal with it. I have some guests coming over. Good luck with your work." She replied as politely as she could and hung up.
Don't you dare cry, Ana.
Why is he being so cold? Everything seemed fine when they were leaving but since the weekend he'd been acting weird. Is it because Cooper and Irina were coming over? That didn't make sense at all, he knew that Cooper was no longer a threat and he was coming over with his daughter and her mother. It was one family hanging out with another family.
"Mamaaa." Belle sang from across the room.
Ana shook off the negative energy and smiled brightly, getting up to go join her baby bear. "Bellieeeee."
"Mama sheese?" She held up a piece to feed her and beamed when her mother said thank you. "Mama, sheese… Chwis? Phone!"
"Baby, Daddy is working. He'll call soon." She lied.
Her tiny face crinkled into a frown. "No… Chwis my fwen. Chwis phone."
Ana hated having to lie to her but there was no way she was going to subject Belle to his bad moods.
"How about we check out what Fiona is doing, huh? It's bath time for her." Ana took out her phone and quickly searched the desired video of Belle's favorite hippo on Youtube. It did the trick, Belle was now successfully distracted while Ana tried her best to remain present and not think of her awkward conversation just a few minutes ago or read too much into Chris' demeanor since the weekend.
Just give him some space, maybe he's going through something.
Maybe she was projecting herself. She had just gotten done recording and editing a video earlier in the afternoon where she was going to reveal her bipolar diagnosis to the world. It had been on her to-do list anyway regardless of Chris coming back. Monday was her release date for the video so maybe the residual emotion and nerves from that were what was making her overly sensitive.
Yet another thing on her never-shortening list of topics to talk about with Dr. Vassar; how not to take things personally.
"Thank you Dylan. Send us the revised numbers and we can take it from there." Ros said and ended the call to look back at her boss. "I'm ready for this deal to get done already."
"Yeah." Christian replied, preoccupied and staring out of his window.
"Something on your mind?" Ros asked. He'd been irritable and an all around pain-in-the-ass for the past week. Almost as if the idea of taking off from GEH was going to be a death sentence.
"Just personal stuff." He shook his head to end that line of questioning. "If AinsTech can't get their shit together then go for plan B."
"I've already set the groundwork for that. They've got a week after which I'll blitz the motherfuckers."
They continued to discuss the status of some other pending deals and catch up on some housekeeping issues till it was time for them to head down to meet Barney for the latest developments with the R&D department.
"It's your first Mother's Day with Ana, what are you getting her?" Ros asked, stepping into the elevator with him.
"I'm working on it. It's next weekend so I have time." He murmured while going through his phone. He was going to attempt to make breakfast for her in bed, or simply have it catered and then take Ana and Belle out on Charlie Tango for a flying tour around the city before organizing a dinner for Ana and her friends at his restaurant and have a night off.
"Dumbass, it's this weekend not next." Ros laughed. "You have 2 and half days to get your shit together."
Christian's face whipped in her direction before looking back down and immediately opening the calendar app on his phone. FUCK! It was this Sunday but they were in LA and it was already midday Friday here on the east coast. His call from earlier in the week with Ana was still weighing heavy on his mind and their conversations revolved around strained text exchanges and limited pictures and videos of Belle since then.
"Need help?" Ros asked with a smug smile. The elevator pinged and they stepped out into the lobby of the R&D floor.
"Fuck off, I'll be there in 10 minutes." He growled before calling Andrea to issue her rapid fire instructions which included sending flowers to his mother, Kate and alerting Taylor to have the jet ready to leave for LA tonight and a variety of other tasks that needed to be done before Sunday.
Once he was done, he made one last and important phone call.
May 13th, 2018 - Ana's Journal
It's my first Mother's Day. I know it's a made up holiday and I've always felt weird about it over the years. Everyone is posting all these amazing pictures of their mother and sharing beautiful stories and memories. I miss my mom so much. She was always smiling and gave the best hugs and her voice… God, her voice was incredible. Jose got me flowers and made me breakfast this morning and Lucifer licked my feet but then again he always does. It feels nice to be pampered like this. It feels like a luxury. These days he'll just climb onto my belly and curl up in a little ball and start to purr while I pet and talk to him. I think the girls feel the vibrations because they start to move whenever it happens. It's so cool to see and feel.
Are you close with your mom? I hope you are and that you call and see her often. I'd give anything to have even a minute with mine.
I suppose I should thank you for making me a mom. I never knew if it was ever going to be in the cards for me given my past and well, my not-so-great present when we met. I hope my future looks different and that I'm in our girls' lives for a long time.
I may not know much but I know I can give them a lot of love.
I'm dressed up, well not really, I look like a big pink balloon that could fly away at any minute–but yes, I'm dressed up and going out to Deepi's place for a Mother's Day lunch with Tameka and their kids. Jose's coming with me too but before that he's taking me to get my hair done and we'll get mani/pedis. I've been warned that he'll disown me if I ever fight him on the merits of hair and nail care ever again. He says I need to learn how to take care and treat myself because I deserve it. I guess it'll take me time to think like that.
I've probably said this a few times before but I still can't believe that he's back in my life again. Every morning I wake up and look around me to make sure it's not a dream. Miracles don't happen for people like me you know.
I'm a little emotional today but I guess it's the hormones again. This along with the swollen ankles and back pain part of pregnancy is not fun.
I wish you were here.
By the time Chris reached the Beverly Hills house, he was exhausted. The feeling wasn't new, exhaustion due to work was a constant he was accustomed to. Exhaustion due to personal and emotional issues wasn't something he was used to given that he had been dealing with some form of it every now and then for the past two and half years, it had never been this extreme. It can't get any worse than this, right?
It was close to 10pm when he walked through the main door to Jose and Alice over fully dressed for a night out on the town. Jose had flown in earlier in the afternoon, taking a half day from work to join the girls for Mother's Day weekend.
"Oh hey…" Alice said in surprise and turned to Jose with a confused expression. It was a little awkward, they hadn't talked at all since the week before and there was no indication that he was going to be part of the weekend.
"Hi." Chris replied with a tight smile while exchanging a nod in greeting with Jose simultaneously. "Is Ana awake?"
Alice shook her head. "She's sleeping, she's got an early morning at HQ for the double wedding tomorrow. She didn't mention you were coming."
"I see. I, uh… I wanted to surprise her for Mother's Day." He mumbled.
"I'm sure they both will love it." Jose replied with an encouraging smile. "Belle has been asking for you."
He swallowed and gave a half smile. They said their goodbyes and left Chris in the silent and sleepy house. As he wandered, he saw evidence of Belle's existence and smiled. Her Frozen backpack was on the couch with a book next to it and her highchair was placed near the island in the kitchen. Two small things turned the house into a home. It was alien and native at the same time.
In the Master bedroom Ana and Belle were cuddled together in the middle of the custom size bed. She had been refusing to sleep in her room while they were out here. She didn't do well in new spaces and given the busy schedule, Ana didn't want to compromise sleep by fighting her. They would have to resume their quest for breaking their co-sleeping routine back in New York.
Chris watched them for a few minutes, the most peaceful sight before him. Ana lay mostly on her back with Belle on top, her face to the side and buried under her curls. He climbed into bed and moved the strands of hair to tuck behind her tiny ear. It was funny to watch, her mouth was open and she was drooling a little on Ana's shoulder. Tracing a little circle on her cheek, Belle stirred a little and whimpered Mama before closing her mouth and Ana's hand instinctively began to rub her back.
He felt an ache and shame. Mostly regretting not having figured out his shit all this time. So many years wasted on superficial shit and now he was failing where he was truly needed and wanted most.
She is yours and Ana's. Innocent with a different life. She loves you unconditionally like children are supposed to. He kept telling himself that but the pressure to not fuck up was too great.
It wasn't that he didn't love her but it was clear that he loved her more because she was Ana's– more that she was a part of her but then there were times when she looked back at him and the power of DNA just could not be ignored.
Leaning in further he kissed her chubby cheek and moved to kiss Ana's forehead. They both stirred a little and readjusted their positions with Ana's face turning towards Chris mumbling something incoherent. He stared at her sleeping peacefully, there was so much he had to tell her and he was operating on borrowed time but right now in this moment, he didn't want to think about his issues. It'd been a shitty week and this weekend he wanted peace, he wanted restful sleep and he wanted love.
After planting a soft kiss on her lips, he caressed Ana's cheek. Her eyes opened and stared right back at him but she didn't react.
"Dreaming." She whispered before closing her eyes. Chris frowned a little and the memory of a particularly painful journal entry of hers came to mind.
March 23rd, 2018 - Ana's Journal
I used to not have dreams. I'm talking about the dreams we have when we're sleeping. Namesharer said it was a blessing given everything I've been through. I've never had nightmares either. Daydreaming was something I indulged in a lot when I was little, thinking my parents would show up any minute to take me away and that I was maybe in some nightmare sequence but I learned eventually that daydreaming was very dangerous and most of all heartbreaking. Adapting to reality is the only way to survive in the foster care system.
Scientifically speaking we all dream I suppose, I just never remember them except now it's different. I think I see you sometimes. I know that sounds very weird. I see it clearly, your eyes and I can feel you. Of course come morning time it's a rude awakening. Maybe it's the girls who want to see you. I talk about you often enough. The stories change, sometimes you're an astronaut or a marine biologist, a chef, musician or a teacher. They like hearing about you, they respond.
I'm a big girl, I know that life and the world is cruel.
I just wish my mind and my heart didn't have to follow suit.
"Ana..." Chris whispered. "Baby, wake up." You're not dreaming.
She stirred and groaned but Chris gently persisted. Sure it was selfish on his part but he couldn't help it. Planting a series of light kisses on her face, he whispered for her to wake up. When she finally opened her eyes and looked at him she blinked rapidly before her eyes went wide.
"You're…" She blinked in confusion, trying to find her words. I have to be dreaming. "I'm… we're still…"
"We're in LA." He clarified, smiling. "I flew in a little while ago. I missed you both."
"Ohhh…" She drew out the word, still in a sleepy haze. "But New York is far."
He laughed softly. Sleepy Ana is entertaining too. "It is, that's why I'm here now." Leaning in, he wrapped a protective arm to pull them both close and planted one last kiss on her lips before telling her to go back to sleep again.
"Is everything okay now?" She asked, her mind now clear and awake while her free hand came up to softly scratch his stubble. "You were stressed about work."
Chris gave a guilt laced half smile and nodded. "Sleep, baby. We can talk tomorrow."
"We missed you so much." Ana leaned in closer to kiss the corner of his mouth, closed her eyes and curled her hand around to run through his hair and massage his scalp. "Bellie kept asking for her fwen."
"I'll make it up to her tomorrow." He chuckled and pressed his lips to her forehead, inhaling her scent, vanilla with a hint of lavender. I've missed this. "I'll spoil her with choco ice-cream."
"Hmm, you better. I didn't sign up to manage a diva. She's been a grumpy bear like her father all week."
A/N: CG's unraveling a little. Alice and Jose hate secrets. Ana is trying to move forward and Belle is like... where my fwen at?
In your atmosphere (Live in LA) - John Mayer