welcome to another ride on the merry go round to nowhere.
no dawn, no day, i'm always in this twilight, in the shadow of your heart
"You guys be good. Bellie, make sure Alice doesn't talk to any boys, okay?" Ana laughed as she helped Belle into her car-seat. Ryan was driving them down to Jose's apartment in Tribeca for the night.
Chris had continued to act a little off. On their way to the airport in LA to fly back home, he asked Ana to coordinate with her therapist to have a group therapy session at her place to discuss some things that were on his mind. The request alarmed Ana but she agreed and immediately emailed Dr. Vassar to inquire about her immediate availability.
By the time they landed, it had been arranged for Chris and his therapist to meet at Ana's townhouse in the city the next evening. Asking Chris if he wanted to spend the night with them and have dinner, he declined citing some work at GEH and dropped off Ana and Belle at home with a goodbye kiss. Belle was not happy with this development but was assuaged with promise of going out for ice cream in the neighborhood by her mother. It was the little things that always brought her joy and so Ana did whatever she could to make the sense of adventure for her little girl great within the two block walk for their promised treat.
"You too, Ryan… keep an eye on these crazy bears." She faux ordered in her mom voice.
He laughed, shaking his head. "I'll try my best, Ana."
"Mama Wyan dwive!"
"Yeah baby, he's going to drive you to Tio's house where you and Alice are going to have too much fun without me." She giggled and planted a loud smack of a kiss on her baby girl's cheek.
"Tio wucifer meow!" Belle nodded with a sassy face.
"Yes but don't smother poor Lucifer." She smiled before getting out of the car and closing the door and leaning in through the open window. "I'll see you soon, Babushka."
"Shee soon. Bye." Belle waved enthusiastically. She never cried when she was leaving to go on her adventure only if she were dared to be left behind.
"You're gonna be okay, Boss?" Alice asked, perceptive of the fact that Ana had been on edge since they boarded the plane home a day earlier.
"I guess, I mean... God knows what this is all about— it's not like I got a choice right?"
Alice nodded with a worried expression. "If anything, come by Jose's place to decompress. I have edibles and weed." She teased to which Ana rolled her eyes with a smile and agreed. "Okay Bellie, say, Love you Christine Spencer."
"Wove you Chwistine Spencer." Belle cheered with her arms in the air.
"Love you guys! Stay safe." She took a few steps back and waved at the car as it drove off with a second SUV driven by Sawyer close behind.
Ana had two more skype interviews before Chris arrived with his therapist. A Dr. Flynn who he had been seeing for a little over 11 years in addition to the variety of therapists before him since the age of 4. She idly wondered if it would take her that amount of time or more to untangle herself from the negative effects of the abuse from her childhood and adolescence. It's not like it ended after emancipation– if I could just finally learn to not be scared for myself anymore and be confident of my self worth on my own, that would be my greatest feat.
The bi-polar video she released early Monday morning was getting press attention, mostly positive and a little negative here and there. There was a small section of the internet that did not like her and she was okay with that. As long as their criticisms were valid and in the right tone, she could take it and even use it but most of them hurled vicious attacks and trolled her. She muted that noise from her life. She'd heard and felt enough of it in her younger years to last her a lifetime.
Her five minute video was surprisingly not emotional but cleansing. Hitting the publish button to upload felt oddly freeing. It's out there now and there's no going back. She talked about when she got diagnosed during pregnancy and how her abuse may have led to it rather being hereditary–not that she could ever know since her parents were no longer alive– to how she's tried to manage it with raising a daughter, running two businesses and having a supportive network around her. She didn't sugarcoat, it wasn't easy and she was very aware of the privilege of access in her life, as of recent.
Now she only had one more thing left to share—Belle and Spencer's paternity— and that would happen eventually. Till then she would focus on getting through the growing pains phase of this new relationship and development in her life and hopefully enjoy it a little before the world came crashing in with their judgment.
"Ana, Mr. Grey and Dr. Flynn are coming up the stoop." Prescott called to inform her.
"Thanks, Nadine." Hanging up, she moved to quickly wash her hands to rid herself of the residual cake crumbs from the baked goods she was arranging on the plate to serve.
She heard the front door open footsteps walking in before one set went down the interior stairs towards the mezzanine where Prescott and Ryan lived.
"Ana?" Chris called from the foyer, walking further into the house.
"In here." She replied from the kitchen, drying her hands. When she turned around to greet both men standing in her kitchen, shock marred her face. "John?"
He shrugged with a small smile. "Hi, Ana."
"You're his doctor?" She inquired, realizing she never really knew what John did for a living. Their conversations were always quick and short and mostly revolved around kids. Even the few times she had met Rhiann they mostly discussed mom stuff. "You live, like only three blocks… I mean, I-I... didn't make the connection when Chris told me yesterday." John silently nodded and Chris looked visibly uncomfortable, a walking embodiment of self-imposed guilt at this point. He watched her bi-polar reveal video, kicking himself further at what was going to transpire tonight. What if she has a low? The chasm between them, according to him at least, seemed to continually grow.
"Small world." Ana murmured with a rueful smile, trying her best to not dive into the what ifs of things. "I saw Rhiann this morning when I took Belle out for story hour at the neighborhood library. Francine is so grown up."
"She told me." He smiled. "It's been a while since we've run into each other at the bagel shop too. Noah is excited to plant more vegetables in the garden this season."
"I'm here for the rest of the week, maybe I'll run into you all again and he can tell me all about it." Ana smiled and offered him something to drink with some refreshments to bide their time till her own therapist arrived ten minutes later.
"Dr. Flynn, this is my therapist, Dr. Sylvia Vassar." Ana made the introduction. "And this is Belle's father, Christian Grey."
She shook their hands, exchanging pleasantries and after receiving a cup of coffee, took their seats to get to the crux of why they were here today.
Chris was nervous if not more than when he first came to talk to Ana just a little over a month ago to convince her that he wanted to be in their lives
He began with the obvious; his admission to why he really didn't look into Ana two and half years ago and how his dinner with Jose and Alice went a few days before she flew out to LA.
They were both sitting on the three seater couch, about a foot apart from each other with a coffee table in the middle while Dr. Vassar and Dr. Flynn sat on two separate chairs, across from them, mirroring the location of their patients. Dr. Flynn provided background for Chris where it was required and he needed a little reinforcement, especially when it came to explaining his frame of mind when they met that night and how he was feeling in the weeks and months that followed but mostly Chris was on his own in his confession.
Ana could feel her temperature rise with each word he confessed. It wasn't anger or maybe it was but it felt painful and searing. Her body began to ever so slowly curl into itself. First her head bowed and then her hands and fingers knotted, squeezing each other almost going white and her legs tightly pressed together in an effort to shield herself. She became silent as a mouse, with her eyes fixed on the ground– regressing at least physically, into a familiar state from her childhood.
Chris took his time explaining but would pause here and there to recompose himself. Every now and then he would catch a glimpse of Ana's tense expression staring at the ground, as if she were concentrating really hard but the pain on her face was evident.
He continued to tell her about Belle's resemblance to Ella and his trouble bonding with her– how his sole focus had been winning back Ana and that he realized all the work he needed to do in order to be a good and reliable parent.
"I've always been a selfish man, Ana. And I see your selflessness with Belle, with me and everyone else… and while I can appreciate it, I didn't see myself capable of doing it in the way that was absolutely required But I know I need to, for Belle. I want to learn how to be selfless for her and be more than my past." He said tightly, shaking his head and going silent.
A few minutes passed and he watched Ana close her eyes, willing herself to not cry. This was suddenly too much, she clenched her jaw in an effort to focus on the pressure that it created to distract her from the sting of imminent tears about to form.
The longer the silence stretched the more his anxiety gripped him and in a panic caused him to blurt out the only thing that made sense to him.
"Which is why, I think it's best that we not be together. I need to figure myself out and prove that I can be the father that Belle needs. I'm also taking a step back from GEH to be fully present in her life and offer you the support you need in regards to raising her." He declared and could see Ana's body tense even more than before with her breathing appearing to be labored.
The truth was that if he remained with her, she would continue to coddle and make it easy for him and he would drop the ball again—I know myself. I'll never learn. This is better. You'll flourish without me, I know it. You already have so much, without me.
Flynn looked at Christian in shock. Where the hell did that come from? That was never discussed. He never had once mentioned breaking up with Ana in his sessions last week.
"I want you to live a full life." Chris quickly added in an attempt to soften the blow. "You should meet people and if you find someone who makes you happy, then I will not interfere."
Flynn's eyes almost fell while desperately trying to remain calm. This is going to backfire spectacularly, the man's second name is jealousy. He wanted to bang his head on the wall, scream to the heavens. One step forward and fifteen fucking steps back. Self-loathing dictating him all over again. He looked at Dr. Vassar who met his gaze before her eyebrows shot up slightly and looked back Christian who she watched very carefully.
Ana's head snapped up and her eyes stalked the verticality of the wall across from her till they landed on the crown molding. A historic and intricate design that her architect had advised to keep. It's important to keep a little of the past within the space we live; it adds texture, warmth and most of all, character. Ana didn't know much but the notion did sound romantic till the architect added that it'd make for a great selling point too should she decide to part ways with this place. But Ana would never sell. It was her forever home, her first big girl purchase, with her own money as a result of her own success and hard work. Finally something I own, a place that is mine and a roof over our heads.
Is this really out of left field? She wondered, trying to recover from the gut punch. He didn't change or improve for people who have loved him for years, who the fuck did I think I was thinking I could be different? That I wouldn't get hurt again?
"Ana?" Dr. Vassar, gently called out. A lot of truth was being thrown at her and the doctor's main concern was making sure Ana didn't go into a crisis.
She knew of Christian's background through Ana but now with these admissions she could tell it could set her patient back or propel her forward in an uncharacteristic way or worse, both. Only time would tell. Human beings were complex and while studies helped with mapping general outcomes, no one situation was the same. A confession of this magnitude was crushing to both parties. First confirming the already aggrieved party's self-perceived notion of worthlessness and now to reduce their daughter to the trappings of bad memories and moreover, bad behaviors– it begged the question, does she too deserve to be punished for the sins of the mother and the biological grandmother?
Dr. Vassar had to wonder though, is this what Dr. Flynn had advised his patient to do or after 11 years was he still on the backfoot just like everyone else in this room? With Ana, it was all about getting her to consider an exit strategy as a last resort as opposed to the first line of defense—to give her the tools to manage inevitable disappointments in a healthier way. Beyond the death of Spencer her biggest hurdle was letting go of the idea of Chris and beginning to live her life but then the focus abruptly switched on how to include him back again and begin living life with him.
In the end, the one thing that Dr. Vassar sought to illuminate was how she moved forward from any setback would now be her choice. She now had the resources and self-realized agency to make those decisions rather than let environmental factors solely dictate the outcomes. She had to help her patient build herself up in order to truly harness her potential which was fairly easy given that Ana wanted to know who she was. She was an empath who had natural leadership qualities, she just hadn't been able explore the many facets to herself till now.
What the hell was Flynn doing? Was he a therapist or merely a performance coach? Kept in Grey's back pocket so that he could wind him up and give him quick fixes that pandered to his ego? Dr. Vassar seriously wondered but then she quickly remembered how the age old adage—you can't help those who don't want to be helped—so in a way maybe it was a public service to keep a Billionaire who had a significant sway in the economy of the country and the world from going completely off the rails. We all have our part to play.
Several minutes had passed since Chris had stopped talking. Ana seemed in a trance like state, while she slowly took in Chris' words. Her gaze dropped to the rug in front of her again, now following the visual rhythm of the geometric design.
"I want to see her picture." Ana finally spoke, maintaining the last shred of her composure. Chris gulped, followed by a sharp intake of breath and looked towards Flynn before taking out his phone and pulling up the image to view. He watched her examine the photo and her body start to tremble a little. She silently put the phone to the side and closed her eyes.
Half of her wanted to scream and cry out like a wounded animal while the other wanted to rip everything in the room to shreds in a rage. Her eyes remained fixed on nothing in particular as she processed everything, her heartbeat echoing throughout her body as more questions raced through her mind. Is this what we're really worth? Is this why Spencer died? Because her mother was a forgotten fuck up and her father didn't want the headache of a confirmed guilt trip?
Years of being weak and she promised she wouldn't be in this position ever again. She would do everything in her power to make sure her daughter was protected and never felt worthless yet here was the bitter truth, ringing like a loud eardrum piercing siren. She looked like someone her father despised. Would he ever see her as more? He already treated you like garbage the first time around, Ana, what makes this time so fucking different? And now he's admitting to it. He saved himself at the expense of you. It's only a matter of time till Belle is dropped too, cause he just couldn't hack it or get past his own issues. You'll lose again. This is all that you're worth and you've allowed Belle to stand right in the cross-fire. You've failed her too, again.
She had a choice, she could either be Ana or Belle and Spencer's mother. Ana was the forgotten one who always got pushed around, abused and treated like absolute shit but Belle and Spencer's mother? She didn't take shit from anyone.
When you're stuck inside in the middle of the hurricane, hearing the winds tear apart everything around you, you huddle in the corner and say all the prayers you know. The storm passes eventually and you cautiously make your way out of the basement to go and check the carnage left behind. The sun shines brightly, the blue skies are clear while everything around you is in ruins. You stand in the middle of it all and you calmly take it in.
You rebuild, stronger than before but first, you get the fuck outta Dodge.
Two hours later
Climbing up the stairs out of the 1st Avenue subway stop, Ana breathed in the chilly air and took in her surroundings. It'd been a while since she ventured out to Alphabet City outside of the usual visit of checking in on the bakery. Most of the visits were during the daytime anyway. She was in a haze but her feet knew the way. The streets were damp, reflections of the neon lights bled out on the wet tar and cars drove through puddles without any care. She first arrived at her building, her home for close to 6 years. It had been renovated, some of the brickwork replaced, the windows too. The first second floor apartments were renovated and kept Airbnb listings that did very well, while the rest of the tenants on the third and fourth floor remained. Earlier in the year, she bought the Cafe business from Gloria and Matthew along with the building. Old age was catching up to them and the idea of living out the rest of their lives in a warmer climate by the water, watching their grandchildren grow up seemed like a better option.
The day she left with Jose, she gave Gloria and Matthew specific instructions; that if someone named Chris ever came by, to give him hers and Jose's numbers and emails. Of course, Chris never came back and that information remained unshared. Yet a part of her would always hold out hope.
Once she started the New York side of the catering business last fall, she began to sell baked goods at Cafe on C as part of an exclusive partnership. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, she'd bake a variety of treats for the Cafe to sell and promote it on Instagram. It helped Gloria and Matthew's business too till they realized they were ready to retire and shared their plans to sell and find a buyer. With some help of financial planning and Jose's legal counsel, she was able to make yet another purchase for her personal portfolio.
She walked further down the block noting some of the new businesses that had opened up and the older ones that still remained and seemed to be doing well. Coming upon a familiar storefront, she pushed the door to enter and was hit with the scent of incense and met with the sound of a big throaty laugh of a jovial man who was speaking Arabic on the phone.
"It is my favorite customer!" He cheered, hanging up. Ana returned his greeting with a small smile.
"Hello, Yusuf. It's been a while." In the distance she could hear the sound of a tiny bell ring and a few seconds get closer to her feet. Milky Way had come to get her share of belly rubs. She noticed that her collar was now neon pink, definitely a result of one of the many granddaughters Yusuf had. "Hi baby girl, did you miss me?" Ana cooed.
"How are you Ana and how is your little blessing?"
"She's beautiful and growing up so fast." Ana smiled. "I'll bring her by one of these days."
When Ana first told Yusuf she was having girls, he ran from behind the counter to give her a big hug.
"Daughters are blessings in my religion, like rain they bring mercy and good fortune. They are an honor to raise and meant to be cherished. They teach us many lessons and when a woman becomes a mother you find heaven beneath her feet."
When he came to visit Ana in the hospital with his wife, they both said an Arabic prayer of mercy for the girls and assured Ana that God would take care of everything. That whatever is best would happen.
They exchanged life updates as Ana sat behind the counter with him while sharing pictures, Ana of Belle while Yusuf shared his grandchildren's antics.
Once she said her goodbyes and left the store she found herself walking to another familiar haunt till her phone rang.
"Prescott?"
"Just checking in, Ana. Mr. Grey is asking where you are."
Ana rolled her eyes. "You mean he's demanding. Is he still there?"
"Yes and yes."
"Have you reminded him that you are not in his employ and therefore not required to share information referring to my whereabouts?" Especially now since I mean nothing to you.
"I have but it appears that technicality doesn't matter to him."
"Well, tough. I apologize in advance if he says something unsavory. I promise you a spa day."
Prescott chuckled. "I went through MARSOC training Ana, this is a walk in the park."
"Carry on soldier. May the force be with you or whatever applies." Ana giggled.
Ana had expressed a need to be alone and get away. While Prescott didn't know the specifics but it was obvious that security protocols were going to change going forward if it meant Ana making it clear that she was no longer keen on Christian knowing her whereabouts when she was alone or meeting someone on her personal time without Belle.
Respecting Ana's need to be alone for a little while she arranged for Ryan who was in Tribeca to meet her in Alphabet City by the time she got out of the subway and stay close–while still giving her a wide enough berth–as she went around her old neighborhood. So when Ana offered to walk Dr. Vassar to the subway station near her townhouse, Prescott followed them telling Sawyer they'd be back in a few minutes and that he didn't need to follow them. After watching Ana and Dr. Vassar board the train, Prescott took a long leisurely walk around the neighborhood and when came back to the townhouse 45 minutes later, she was met with a very angry Christian Grey still sitting in Ana's living room who was under the illusion he could still speak with Ana after she came back.
Ana knew his security reported back to Chris about where she was going and who she was meeting. She didn't care so much before because if it helped tame the jealous beast before she had to deal with it, it was one less thing on her to-do list but now, this information was strictly off limits. He didn't deserve to know anything about her. It was probably petulant on her part but he needed to learn boundaries and words no longer worked—it was time for action.
"Keep me posted." Prescott ordered, even though she was already tracking her through the extra phone she had, given that her primary one was going to be switched off till she arrived at Jose's place eventually.
"Yes, ma'am, will do."
Hanging up, Ana growled in frustration. Why the fuck does he care where the fuck I am? She kept walking and eventually came across Bar Luxe. Standing on the opposite side of the street she realized that Chris was only three blocks away from his destination that night till he decided to step into the bar near Cafe on C instead.
Bar Luxe looked like a local Parisian restaurant, the glow of light that emanated from the windows looked luxurious. She could see the wine flowing while well dressed people continued to converse and dine. Did they all know what happened in the floors below and above? The building itself was a beautiful structure with ornate stonework on the facade, reminiscent of the art deco era. No one would guess that it was secretly a six floor sex club for the ultra wealthy and powerful tucked away in a primarily residential neighborhood with a sought out restaurant on the ground level as it's front.
She shuddered to think if Anabelle did end up getting the job here. Would she eventually have been recruited for the sex club part of the establishment? Had Ana not have run away from Morton, would she have ended up here too, at the mercy of that vile woman, Elena? This thought process reminded her to check in with Prescott about any updates on locating that scumbag.
Shaking her head and realizing that this place was nothing but the mouth to hell she kept walking and upon arrival at the familiar stoop she had been seeking out, she pressed the bell and was buzzed into the mezzanine unit.
"Didn't think I'd see you again, I thought you were done." The bearded man looked at her in confusion but his voice hinted that it was still a welcome surprise, nonetheless.
"Yeah." Ana said shakily and slid up the sleeve of her hoodie to expose her arm. "It's been a rough night and I need some strength. Something I can–" She swallowed, unable to complete her sentence and the tears began to fall.
He nodded and signaled her to follow him to the back of the apartment.
A/N: Welp, he broke up with her...
So is CG being selfless or selfish?
Cosmic Love - Florence + The Machine