"I..I'm sorry", Alexander stroked his fingers through her hair. Was that the first time he apologised? She couldn't remember. He definitely didn't apologise enough.
"What can I do to get you to trust me?" Alexander asked her as he sat up. He lit a candle by his bedside.
"Can we talk about it in the morning?" Eliza covered her eyes with the blanket. She was just about to fall asleep.
"Please. I won't sleep. You know I overthink everything", Alexander tickled her side, using the distraction to get the blanket off of her face. Eliza smiled up at him.
"Okay", she turned to her side, pulling the blankets snuggly around her.
"Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever trust you like I did. Maybe I was foolish to do so. I know I would be a fool to blindly trust you now. Those memories are a part of me and I am stronger because of them. I remember Angelica telling me to be careful of men like you. That you would never be satisfied", Eliza told him honestly.
"That's not fair. That was during a war and before I had a family", Alexander interrupted her. Eliza shook her head.
"You had a family when you had the affair", Eliza stressed.
"Had?" Alexander questioned. Eliza wiped her eyes. Of course he still has a family, why does he need to victimise himself?
Eliza stayed silent. He deserves the misery.
"Betsey?" Alexander kissed her wedding ring on her left hand.
"Would you divorce me? If you had the choice", he asked. Eliza frowned slightly, looking up at him. Why is he talking about divorce? Does he want a divorce? Has he thought about it before?
"No. I wouldn't. I never said I didn't love you. Why would you even mention such a thing?" Eliza sat up. She smiled at him. "Marriage isn't easy. It's not supposed to be easy. Couples fight all the time. We will work through this", she straddled him.
"Look at where we are and look at where we started. We have 6 amazing, clever children who have 2 loving parents. We made 6 life's", she laughed thinking about how much of a miracle it is to make a baby from nothing.
"We have moved so many times and each house is grander than the last one. Think back to our first house. It was tiny. We've been together through it all and I can't wait for the next few years and what they will bring", Eliza kissed him. Alexander nodded.
"But you'll tell me next time you're sick", he confirmed with her. He kissed her neck while stroking his hand up and down her spine. Eliza giggled.
"Yes. I'll write next time", she wiggled when he tickled her.
"You better or I might have to punish you with kisses", he held her close while tickling her with the other hand.
Eliza laughed. "Stop". She kissed him, distracting him. Alexander sat back onto the pillows.
"Do you think there's an afterlife?" He rested his arms above his head. Eliza nodded.
"I do", she smiled at him.
"What do you think it is like?" Alexander put her hands on his chest. "You're freezing by the way". He laughed, shaking his head slightly. He wrapped a blanket around her.
"Now my little burrito", he grinned. Eliza pushed it off her head.
"What is a burrito?" She pouted. Alexander shook his head.
"It doesn't matter".
"I think the afterlife is full of parties everyday, loads of food and drinking. Full of happiness you know? No stress. Just that feeling you get when you are on holiday. That feeling of just letting go and being free", she smiled thinking about it. She missed that feeling.
"I'd want to stay with you in the afterlife. I would watch you have all the things I can't provide", Alexander commented. Eliza frowned.
"Wouldn't you want all the things that make you happy?" She questioned him. Alexander smiled up at her. The candle light outlining her frame underneath the blanket.
"You make me happy, Betsey", he sat up kissing her again. Eliza sighed.
"Now I feel bad. You make me happy too. I love you so much", she laughed kissing him repeatedly. Alexander hushed her.
"Don't feel bad. That wasn't my intention", he yawned. Eliza laid beside him, cuddling into him.
"Blow out the candle", she reminded him.
Eliza woke up to a cold bed. She sighed. Their talk last night was well overdue. She couldn't explain but the cold bed just made her feel like it was only words. Maybe she was exaggerating? William ran in.
"Mommy, I'm here to distract you. You're not to go downstairs", he declared as he climbed onto the bed. Eliza held her mouth shut trying not to laugh. He did a great job at distracting her.
"Okay William. What did you have in mind to distract me?" She played along. William thought about it.
"Mmm. Let's play a game. We could play in the garden!" He jumped on the bed, excitedly. Eliza held his hand as he jumped. She frowned.
"I thought I wasn't supposed to go downstairs?" She reminded him. William covered his mouth with his hand.
"Oh yeah. We can play in the garden later. Um, can I have a bath?" He asked. Eliza smiled.
"With what water? That's downstairs too. In fact it's outside", she informed him.
Angelica knocked before coming in.
"Good morning mom", she smiled, a little too much. She was acting suspicious too.
"I've been distracting her", William announced proudly. Eliza laughed slightly. Angelica sighed.
"You're not supposed to tell her!" She sighed. William shook his head in defence.
"I didn't tell her that Papa is…" Angelica covered his mouth with her hand.
"Shh", she hushed him. Eliza got out of bed and started dressing. She wanted to know what Alexander was doing. Her curiosity was peaking now.
"Go see if Papa is ready for mom", Angelica instructed William. He nodded and ran downstairs.
"Sit down and I'll fix your hair", Eliza stood up from her dresser. She fixed Angelica's hair then did her own. Alexander knocked on the door before coming in.
Eliza smirked at him.
"So what's going on?" She asked him as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He kissed her.
"You'll see. We're going on a trip", he whispered to her. Eliza sighed.
"I'm still sick. I shouldn't be travelling", she reminded him. Alexander shook his head.
"We're only going an hour out of town", he led her downstairs. Eliza had a coffee while he got the kids into the carriage.
"Betsey", he called her. Eliza put the mug down and went to meet him in the carriage. She sat beside him in the front with a blanket wrapped around her and baby Eliza Holly.
"Where are we going?" Eliza asked as they passed the city and headed away from it.
"So impatient. Remember how we talked about some day moving out to the countryside. I thought it would be nice to come out here", he explained himself. Eliza nodded. The blue sky could be seen for miles behind the green hills. There was a lake that they were heading to.
"It's really pretty out here, very peaceful", she commented. Alexander nodded in agreement. He stopped the carriage at the side of the road.
John and William climbed out first.
"Can we play in the field?" John asked Alexander. Eliza looked around. What if there was a farmer around who didn't want them there?
"I'm sure the farmer wouldn't mind", Alexander helped them over the wall that was around the field. Eliza frowned.
"What if the farmer doesn't want them there?" What if they shoot them? They were legally allowed to protect their animals. The rest of the kids climbed over and ran around chasing each other.
"But I'm okay with it", he smirked at her. Eliza sighed. That's not what she was talking about.
"No Eliza. We own this. I bought it. I have a sweet project in mind", he grinned, looking out at the land. He pointed out where they owned.
Eliza looked out at the lake and the fields surrounding it.
"We'll have the country house we always dreamt of", she smiled as he wrapped his arms around her. Eliza looked around. There was no one for miles. It was not proper to be affectionate in public. She turned around in his arms and kissed him.
"Be honest with me. Can we afford this? We've never owned our own place before", she tucked a loose string of hair behind his ear. Alexander nodded.
"Yes we can afford it. Stop questioning it and enjoy it", he shook his head, laughing slightly.
"Help me back inside. There's a cold breeze", Eliza took his hand and wrapped herself in the blanket with baby Eliza on her lap.
"Go play with the boys. I need to nurse", Eliza closed the curtain to the carriage.
She thought back to the first few letters where they had discussed one day owning a house in the countryside. They could wake up each morning and sit on the porch in the sunshine. The kids could play in the lake. Eliza smiled down at her youngest. Baby Eliza Holly may not remember the house they are in now, depending on when they move.
…
July 1800
"It's too warm today. I am sweating under this. Why can't we go to a lake in our undergarments and cool down like the men can?" Eliza complained. She just wanted to go swimming.
"Remember the lake in fathers estate that we swam in. I will admit that was nice on a hot day", Peggy reminisced. Eliza put down her knitting.
"Is the cardigan finished?" Peggy picked up the pink cardigan that Eliza had been working on.
"No. Not yet. Almost done", Eliza shook her head. She yawned.
"Eliza Holly has been keeping me up every night for the past week. She has a little sniffle. Nothing serious but she can't seem to sleep during the night", she smiled thinking about her daughter.
"Has she started talking yet?" Peggy asked, looking into the hall where William was playing with the dog. He shouldn't be in the house with the dog but she'll let it slide. Eliza jumped when they heard the hall door slam shut.
James ran into the parlour. He was out of breath. Eliza frowned at him. She could sense something was off.
"Mom", he pointed outside.
Peggy stood up, handing Eliza her hat. She looked outside. She couldn't see anything. Flashbacks of all the times they had to hide during the war came back to her.
"What happened?" Eliza sat him down.
"Alex was climbing a tree and he fell", James was still panting. He must have run a fair distance.
"Is he hurt?" She needed to know what to expect. James nodded.
"I think his ankle is broken", James shrugged. He wasn't sure.
Eliza put on her hat and headed to the stables.
"Grab a horse James. Where is Alex?" Eliza put the reins on one of their horses that they came here on. It would be nightfall soon. Alex better not be far away. She didn't want to think about looking for him in the dark.
"Mom can you ride a horse?" James frowned. Eliza squinted at him. Of course she could ride a horse. Who couldn't?
"Yes. Now let's go", she got on her horse and waited for James to put the reins on the other one. Has she really never ridden a horse around her children?
James led her to a forest about a ten minute ride from the house. Eliza tied the horses before following James.
"Come on", James pulled her in the direction of Alex.
"We need them to get back. We don't have time to go chasing them", Eliza laughed at the thought of it.
"Alex what happened? Can you get up?" She asked him as soon as they could see him.
"Mom!" Alex tried to stand up, leaning against a tree. He held up one foot from the ground.
"Oh Alex what have you done?" Eliza covered her mouth. It better not be broken. She heard of a boy who broke his ankle and had to get it cut off. Doctors can only do so much.
"Come on and we get you on the horse", Eliza picked up her dress and stepped into the mud to give Alex support. James held him from the other side.
"It'll be dark soon", James pointed out. They got him to the horse with Eliza holding control of reins.
"Wait! Papa's gun" Alex pointed back to it. So that's what they were doing in the forest. Eliza handed the reins to Alex. She grabbed the gun from where Alex was sitting when she found him.
"Boys…" Eliza sighed, dropping it. There was no point lecturing them about guns when their own father brought them hunting.
"We know to be careful, it's a weapon not a toy. We can get seriously hurt with it. We should never accept a duel. Our pride as a family is not dependent on other people's words or actions", they both recited in unison. Eliza grinned. She taught them well.
Stephen met them halfway as they were headed back to Peggy's house.
"Can you move it?" He asked Alex as he turned his horse around. Alex nodded while moving it slightly.
"Yeah but it hurts", he told him. Stephen nodded.
"It's not broken then", he reassured Alex. Eliza sighed with relief.
Stephen helped Alex down from the horse and into the house. Peggy brought Eliza into the parlour.
"Sweetheart you're shaking", Peggy sat her down.
"My boy", was all Eliza could get out.
"Is fine. He is home and his ankle is being seen by a doctor right now. I called him after you left to find Alex", Peggy poured Eliza tea. Eliza inhaled a deep, shaken breath.
She put down Alexander's gun beside her.
"Do you remember fathers friend showing us how to use that?" Peggy bit her lip as she picked it up and inspected it. Eliza nodded.
"Alexander knows that I know how to use it. I'm sorry I'm shaking. I just kept thinking what if something worse happened. Alexander let's them go hunting whenever they want. I just wish he'd go with them. They're still boys", Eliza sighed as she took the gun from Peggy.
"Careful lady. You don't want to accidentally shoot someone", the doctor held up his hands as he entered the room. Eliza smiled, putting it back down.
"Of course not. It's my husband's gun", she explained to him.
"Maybe let the boys carry it then, yeah?" He nodded. Eliza smiled and nodded.
"Of course. How is my boy?" She asked him.
"His ankle is just twisted. He needs rest for the next 2 weeks", he bowed slightly and left them. Peggy rolled her eyes as he left.
"What a jerk", she whispered. Eliza nodded.
"How incapable do men perceive women?" Eliza frowned. Peggy shook her head.
"As it seems, very incapable", Peggy laughed. Eliza grabbed her cardigan she was knitting and went to see Alex.
Stephen stopped her on the stairs.
"He just fell asleep. He can stay here the night", he offered. Eliza nodded.
"I'd appreciate that. Thank you. I just want to see him. I won't wake him", she checked up on him, pulling a blanket over him.
…
Eliza sat down at Alexander's desk after returning home and getting the children to bed. She wrote to Alexander and told him what happened. She hovered over the paper. She wanted him home. She couldn't do it though. Alex is fine and sleeping in Peggy's house.
She sighed, heating the wax up and sealing the letter.
Eliza looked through his letters that he had sent her. She always found herself rereading the ones from before they married. Would she have married him if she knew that he would cheat? He did warn her that their life would not be an easy one. She laughed at that. She was so innocent when they married.
"Mom, can I sleep with you?" James asked her. He was standing in the doorway. Eliza pulled back the quilt.
"Get in", she smiled at him. He grinned, getting comfy on Alexander's side of the bed. She blew out the candle.
"Goodnight", she kissed his forehead and laid down.
"Do you miss Papa?" He asked her.
Eliza turned in his direction.
"I miss him everyday that he's away. Especially at night but some of you always sleep in here with me so it's so bad", she told him honestly.
"When we were going to get Alex today. I kept thinking that Papa would have known what to do", he sighed.
"Why don't you write to him? Or draw something for him. He loves hearing from you", Eliza suggested. James nodded.
"I will. I'll write him a letter", he decided.