No warnings apply.
Hello there everyone.
So, I decided that it was time to update with a new chapter. It has been a while and there is a good reason for that. Mostly because I suffered a major depression right before Christmas with suicide throughs and all that follows. From August, where I put the story on hold due to psychological issues and until 17th December, I went mostly without treatment. I was on an anti-depressant for 5 weeks in August and to September, but could not stand to be on it any longer. I have become very sensitive to medication and tend to react badly to anti-depressants. Then I had two weeks where I felt increasingly worse and talked with my doctor about going to a psychologist. The date for the first session with the psychologist could only first be on the 8th January this year and so I went on waiting. I got it worse and decided to try some other anti-depressant I have been on many years ago, but only managed 8 days before I had to stop due to severe side-effects. Went without anything for a month and a half long. Managed to write chapter 68 and 69 in the story in a moment where I got the clarity for it and luckily had the energy. Then that energy went dry and at the start of December, I knew that things were getting seriously worse. Decided to go on the anti-depressant again, but again, only held out for 6 days before I felt worse than without it, and then completely crashed mentally the night to the 18 December. Got an appointment with the psychiatry and was given a meeting on the 8th of January. Until then I survived on benzodiazepines and sleep medication. Nights were the worst and I could not sleep. Then, on to the good news. After that meeting on the 8th of January, they decided to offer me a non-medicinal treatment called TMS. Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Went on for a month more before I got a meeting with my psychiatric nurse and was evaluated before the TMS clinic said good for me. And I have now been in treatment for a little over 3 weeks. The treatment happens five days a week for six weeks and sends magnetic impulses into the brain to stimulate my mood center. It is actually a weird thing, but I can feel something happen. I'm still on sleep-assisting medication that has the specific side-effect that it makes me sleepy, so I got rid of the awful benzodiazepines in January. And without a hitch, luckily for me. All of this means that I have been able to write when the energy returned to me. The whole of January my brain was non-existent, but then it began to wake up and right now I am sitting on 10 more or less complete chapters. I have also found an editing tool that I am learning to use, and it should show in this chapter and the following ones. I am looking at the previous chapters too but can see that I might need to go back and revert some changes. The tool is after all following strict grammatical algorithms and I need to take my writing style into consideration.
This was a lot of information, but I needed to let you know.
When the following chapters will come, I don't know yet. Not gonna stress myself by making a schedule, but I hope you like this chapter and will give me a response on what you think about it.
Hotspot studies Athena's tear-stained face.
She has been crying violently for hours while they have talked about what happened between her and Torment, and it finally looks like she has begun to regain her composure.
The flow of tears has lessened while her breathing has eased a bit.
::How are you feeling?:: He asks gently.
He knows that it will take time for her to recover fully from the shock it had been to find out that Torment had worked together with Torrent, and it will take even longer for her to recover from her broken spark.
Athena is not the type to quickly fall in love, but when she does, she does so with her whole being.
::A lot better.:: Athena answers softly and forces a little smile that doesn't reach her optics.
It will take time before the emotional pain disappears, but she can't continue to let Torment affect her.
She needs to let go, forget him, and move on with her life.
But moving on isn't easy.
Because despite what Torment has done, she still has feelings for him, which will complicate her ability to forget him. It is not only his betrayal that has hurt her but also the painful loss of what they had had together.
She knew what he was the moment she looked at him in Retrograde's laboratory but had decided to trust him when he came to her in her home, and it makes what he has done so much more painful and unforgivable.
Blinded by love, it had been easy for her to forgive him for all the hurt he had inflicted upon her, and now she needs to forgive herself for falling in love with him.
It is the first important step in moving on.
And with time, she will be able to forget him and find new love.
She slowly releases a deep calming breath and lets go of all of the anger and pain that fills her spark before looking at Hotspot with a sad but more genuine smile.
::You wanted to speak with me about Thundercracker?:: She asks him curiously when she has gained control over her feelings.
It is reassuring for Hotspot to see that Athena actively is working with the painful feelings instead of packing them away because he can only help her through this emotionally painful time in her life if he knows how she feels.
She has a tendency to distance herself entirely from a given situation and repress her emotions, which most likely is a coping mechanism she uses in her work with society's most dangerous mentally ill criminals.
It is a healthy coping mechanism, as long as she afterward opens up and talks about her experiences with her nearest colleagues. But when it gets applied to her personal life, she has no one to encourage her to open up and talk about her painful experiences or emotions. And if she continues to suppress the feelings that come from painful experiences in her personal life, they are bound to create problems eventually.
::Yes, I wanted to share my recent discovery with you.:: He answers before he, with a deep frown, turns his full attention back to the datapad he had been studying the crucial content of when he had requested the vid-conference.
::What have you found out?:: She asks and looks at him with curiosity.
He looks up from the datapad with a grave expression and looks warily at her before he begins to explain what he has discovered.
::As you are aware, we have three potential scenarios in Thundercracker's case. The first step in my research in Retrograde's procedure has been to gain access to the unknown complex code that creates our memories and try to understand how it works. My study of it will hopefully give us a clearer indication of if it is possible to reverse the procedure. But it hasn't been an easy process to make the laboratory's systems compatible with the unique way upon which Retrograde has stored the data on the datapads or the way the code itself behaves.::
Athena responds with a thoughtful nod to his unusual seriousness.
Thundercracker's situation is already an ethical nightmare, and Hotspot's reaction tells her that what he has discovered will complicate the situation further. Her hope is that they can reverse Retrograde's procedure and avoid the complex ethical discussion about which one of the other two identities has the most right to exist.
The current Thundercracker is a pleasant acquaintance, but the brutal reality is that he never was meant to exist, and if there is even the slightest chance that they can bring Thundercracker's previous identity back, then they have to do it.
In her opinion, the original Thundercracker has the least right to exist, simply because so much time has passed since he existed and because they have no idea of how traumatized he will be. It would not be fair to bring him back to an existence full of pain and misery.
But in the end, it is up to the Ethical Council to make the final decision based on their research results.
::I take it that you succeeded.::
::I did, and I have already reviewed the datapads that contain Thundercracker's previous identity since it, in my opinion, is the identity that has the best chance to get a meaningful life,:: Hotspot says seriously, and his expression turns grim when he shows her the result of his data analysis of the content on the datapads. ::It turns out that I most likely have found the reason why Retrograde had trouble altering Thundercracker's memories and why they had to perform a complete reformat of him.::
Tears begin to once again slowly fall from Athena's optics while she studies the devastating result of the data analysis.
::Only 2% of the data are salvageable?:: She whispers in disbelief while she shocked looks at the massive amount of corruption the data analysis has revealed. ::How is that even possible? According to this, Thundercracker should have been dead a long time ago, but from the conversations I had with Nacelle, I got the impression that Thundercracker functioned just fine before all of this happened. There were no health problems that in any way gave an indication of such a severe degree of corruption in his code.::
::I have no idea, but he is fortunate to have survived Retrograde's procedure,:: Hotspot answers. ::My current theory is that the corruption gradually happened after his first reformatting. The corruption could originate from an incompatibility between his spark and the basic identity template Retrograde used to create his new identity. It would explain why it first was when Retrograde tried to alter him further that the incompatibility became an issue and caused health problems.::
She meets Hotspot's optics when she realizes the far-reaching consequence of this discovery.
Thundercracker is essentially lost to them.
::This is going to affect our ability to help him, won't it? If your theory is true and the corruption occurred at his first reformat, then there is no doubt that it also has happened at his second one.:: Her voice fills with emotion as she makes the conclusion, and her spark fills with pain as she remembers Nacelle's worried words about how he fears the moment where he will have to tell Skywarp that Thundercracker is gone.
How is she going to tell him that his worst fear has become a reality?
::It appears so, but I have not entirely given up on him yet,:: Hotspot answers with firm determination. ::It will be a challenge to recreate a lost identity, but now that I have access to the code behind the memories, I can get a deeper understanding of it and, hopefully, use the knowledge I gain to salvage some of the corrupted data.::
It is a small but fragile hope, and she holds onto it.
They won't give up before they are absolutely sure that there isn't anything they can do to save Thundercracker's identity.
::What about the original Thundercracker's datapads? If his code is untouched, do you then think it is possible for us to use it to recreate Thundercracker's identity?::
By studying the original Thundercracker's code and comparing it to the corruption in the previous Thundercracker's code, they can learn a lot about what happens to their basic code when it gets exposed to Retrograde's procedure. If Hotspot is correct in his theory, she hopes that they can use the original Thundercracker's pristine code as a guideline to recreate the code that has been corrupted and thus salvage Thundercracker's identity.
Research in their basic code and the reason why corruption, which leads to diseases, occurs in it is an extensive field that occupies countless scientists, and Retrograde's outlier ability has given them a unique opportunity to get a new deeper insight into it. If the Ethical Council gives its permission to use the sensitive data material in research, then many questions and theories about why diseases occur are closer to getting an answer.
::It is a possibility, but I haven't looked at the original identity yet, since it, in my opinion, is too risky to bring him back into existence,:: Hotspot answers. ::No one has ever attempted something like this before, and we have to be sure that we don't cause more harm to Thundercracker than there already has been caused.::
::His situation is unique, and we only get one chance to fix this,:: He explains in a grave voice. ::The moment we begin to alter his identity, the current Thundercracker is gone, and we can't turn back to the starting point. One mistake, and we only have Thundercracker's original identity to return to.::
::I don't want to take any chances before I know more about the risks we are facing if we begin to alter his identity. And if the risk of causing mistakes is too high, it is better not to do anything. Simply because Thundercracker in his current form has a higher chance to get a meaningful life and has a strong and healthy emotional connection to the sparkling he is carrying,:: Hotspot concludes. ::If we happen to lose Thundercracker's current identity and are forced to bring back his original identity, then there is a considerable risk that he will want to abort the gestational protocols. Which, in his situation, would be a wise decision since I fear that he will be suffering from so many psychological traumas due to what he has experienced that he won't be able to take proper care of the sparkling and its needs.::
::It sounds like you are about to go into an extensive theoretical and clinical test phase. I would be happy to come to Praxus and assist you with the work if you want me to.:: Athena suggests after having reflected upon his words.
It will be easier for them to theorize and discuss the results of the clinical tests if they are together, and she wants to take this opportunity to get away from her usual surroundings and the painful memories of Torment.
Hotspot smiles at her.
He had hoped she would make this suggestion.
::You are more than welcome.::