POV: Alex
Animals walked around me, some swearing at my statue-like stance, others simply scoffing in my direction. My grey jacket was zipped up which did little to combat the January air, somehow colder than December. Chest rose and fell with deep breaths, standing in front of the café he told me to meet him at. I peered at my phone, the directions telling me the thing right in front of me was the right place. I closed my eyes, then walked through the glass doors, a bell chiming behind me.
Steven was sitting off in the corner, a brown leather jacket around his body, matching his fur. His eyes were off in the distance, probably thinking about a better time, one where I didn't stop talking to him, one where we took our relationship to the next level. One where I didn't leave him and he was still by my side. I still couldn't shake the feelings of guilt when I approached him. I still couldn't believe that I left him at school with no one to talk to. What kind of boyfriend was I? If boyfriend was even the right term to describe our relationship.
His eyes trailed up my body, finally meeting mine with a solemn smile, hand on his cheek. I moved closer to the floral patterned table, taking a seat opposite of him, twiddling my thumbs underneath it. The hushed murmurs of the café only cemented the fact that my throat was dry, and I had no idea what to say. I could only stare at the table, never meeting his gaze-which I knew was locked on me.
"How long has it been?" he said, propping up the menu in front of his face. "A week? Two maybe?" My only response was a slanted smile, one to show that I was sorry, flattening my ears and feeling embarrassed. I was expecting some huge outburst, something other than an exchange of pleasantries. It was comforting, settling the nerves which rested in my stomach.
"I guess you never know, never know. And it was another night waking up alone. But we were something, don't you think so?" He smiled, that perfect smile of his, one that always set my heart ablaze. He opened his mouth to speak again, but then closed it, his chest slowly falling.
He put the menu down, sighing and closing his eyes. "I want to-I want to so badly be angry with you. To throw a fit, to punch you in the face, to let out all of my anger. But I know it's pointless. Because I love you." His eyes watered, but he blinked them away, composing himself with another deep breath. "But how can I get mad at you, when every time I think of you, it makes me feel...happy." He chuckled, his smile returning.
A picture perfect moment, with him smiling at me. I wanted to cry, to hug him, to hold him and tell him everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok, that the world was going to go back to normal. He was the perfect animal for me and I knew in my heart, with each stare, with each word he spoke, with each flap of his ears, I loved him.
"I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends," he whispered.
My eyes watered, but I didn't want to cry in a public place, so I wiped them away. I couldn't hold back the smile on my face, the emotions inside my body were screaming to be let out, but I wouldn't let them. They were happy, joyful, carefree and ectatic emotions that held so much merit. My heart pounded in my chest, but this time it didn't pound with sadness, it didn't beat the rhythm of anxiety and panic. Instead, it fluttered with the words he spoke, seeing cliffs and jumping, hoping that instead of falling, it would fly. And fly it did.
"I love you," I whispered, finally looking up to meet him, to gaze into his amber eyes. "And...I'm so sorry for ruining everything."
Steven shook his head. "You didn't ruin everything, just...bad shit has happened to you. That's what ruined it all. You didn't do anything."
"But I never called you, I never said anything to you-"
Steven silenced me. "And I don't care, because I love you and I know you love me too." I tried to talk, but he cut me off again, a sly smile on his face. "Did you miss me?"
"I-of course I missed you!"
He slouched back in his chair. "I know, I'm just giving you a hard time."
He's the one.
Animals walked through the glass doors, talking aimlessly to one another. The atmosphere smelled bitter of coffee beans and savory breakfast, chatter filling up the air, glasses clicking against the table, utensils being placed, workers in the back turning on their machines.
Steven softened his eyes and expression, my nerves calming, but also skyrocketing. "Really Alex, it's gonna take a lot more than just a few missed calls to send me running," he said, his ears flapping around.
Mine pressed against my head and I said, "but what about…" my voice trailed off, scared to say it.
"What? Me crying in the bathroom? Having an emotional breakdown because I thought you didn't love me?" He glanced down at the table. "Sure, it wasn't fun. But I can't really blame you for wanting to get away from it all." He shrugged his shoulders, my jacket feeling hotter and hotter with each passing second, tail wagging persistently behind me.
Steven took my hand and laid it on the table, his clasped over mine. "How can I hate the animal in front of me? How, when I look into your eyes, when I know about your past and what you've told me, ever hate you? I can be disappointed, I can be sad. But everyone's entitled to some sort of sadness, everyone has their ups and downs." He caressed my cheek, staring deeply into my eyes, breath hitching in my throat. "Doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you."
He leaned in close, hands pressed on the table, noses touching. He tilted his head and closed his eyes. Then he hesitated and sat back down, looking around the room, nobody was paying attention to us.
He wants to kiss me.
A cold wind blew through as someone opened the glass door, all of the heat leaving my body.
How did it all go south? That was dumb to think, I knew how it all went downhill. I ruined everything by thinking pushing everyone away was the best option I had. By thinking nobody cared about me, that I was a nobody in everyone's eyes, it only brought pain into the hearts of the ones who truly cared about me.
Steven sighed, his eyes closing. "I'm so terrified if you ever walk away, cause I know I'll never be able to walk around the school again. But then you called, showed your hand, my heart fluttered." I could only sit in silence as he continued. "I don't want to lose you." He blinked away more tears, but a couple of them found their paths down his cheeks. "So don't...don't ever make me feel like that again, ok?"
My chest tightened and I lurched from my seat, pressing my lips against his. Warm and soft, just like I remembered them being. His eyes were opened wide in shock, but then he closed them, pulling away with a smile.
"I've missed that," he said, his ears standing up, tail wagging behind him.
"I've missed it too," I replied, voice in a low soft tone. Nobody was really paying attention, too focused on their food and conversation to notice the wolf and german shepherd in the back. It was better that way. I got to love him, not caring about what others thought.
I slipped back down in my chair, the kiss still burning on my lips, still tempting for another one. He shifted in his seat, his ears moving freely, like the chains that tighited them were suddenly loosened and torn off completely. A thousand questions went through my mind, but they were silent when I looked at him.
It had begun raining outside, raindrops tapping the windows, trickling down towards the bottom and collecting in little pools. Grey clouds blotted out the sun, but that didn't matter, my sun was sitting right in front of me.
"You're coming back to school, right?" Steven asked after a couple of seconds. I nodded and he said, "good, it'll be nice to have you back in the dorm room for once. It gets really lonely without you there. I can only take so much of Dalton."
"How...how are they doing?"
"Nathan and Dalton? Eh, they're doing ok. I think they miss you, although it's always hard to tell with Nathan. He's been hanging around Jordan a lot, he might be taking your place as her best friend."
"As long as I have you," I said, "I don't care."
We had only been at the coffee shop for thirty minutes, but I didn't want to stay there any longer. I wanted to take him away, somewhere else where we could be ourselves, where we didn't have eyes on us. Not like anyone was paying attention, nobody knew we were in a relationship, if we could even call it that. "Let's get out of here," I said.
"Here?" Steven looked around. "We haven't been here for that long. Already tired of me?"
I shook my head. "Let's go somewhere we can be ourselves, away from everyone."
"Where would we go?"
I stood up from the table and he followed. "Just...trust me," I said with a smile. In truth, I had no idea where I wanted to take him. I just wanted to be around him more, just to hear his voice, to feel his hand. I didn't want to spend the day in a coffee shop talking about...whatever we were talking about.
The rain came pouring down as we exited the coffee shop, our excited giggles from the raindrops wetting our fur and soaking into our jackets. The rain grew colder and colder as time went on while we walked. Puffy white snow drifted down from the sky, balancing on our muzzles. We huddled close from the cold, as did many other animals walking along the cemented path, being covered with a blanket of white. Our hearts beat underneath our coats, warming our bodies. But the only warmth I was feeling was the love towards him. It started in the pits of my stomach, then made its way up to my cheeks every time I looked at him.
His hand was in mine, warm and soft, just like I remembered it being. Snow clogged his nose and he sneezed a couple of times, only causing me to laugh and for him to shoot me a stern look, only joining in on the laugh.
I loved him so much, but I didn't know how to show it. Telling him was just a reminder, I wanted to show him that I loved him. But I had no idea what to do, and I was scared from what happened last time we got a little too intimate. I growled at him, which terrified me, and I was scared I was going to do it again. Every time I looked at him though, I couldn't help but smile. It hurt my face, the muscles being drawn taught every second, every breathing moment I was with him.
Who knows if he never showed up what could've been?
Steven shivered from the cold snow pelting his jacket. "Damn it's freezing. If only I had wolf fur like yours, then I could wear t-shirts and shorts twenty-four-seven."
"That's not how it works," I said with a chuckle.
He huffed and wrapped his arms around his body. "I wish that was how it worked. I'm tired of the cold, but I'm not ready for the heat either."
"I think the only good thing about summer is the break," I said.
"True, but there's also like...ok, you know what? Never mind. You're right. The only good thing about summer is the break."
Our tails wagged behind us, breathing in the cold air and letting the warm air in our lungs out. We made our way over to the fountain in the middle of the plaza, animals sat on its concrete walls and children ran around in their warm apparel.
"Here," Steven said as he pulled out his brown wallet, taking out two quarters and placing it on the palm of my head. "Throw one in and make a wish."
I looked at the shiny metal coin in my hand, then back to the fountain. Fortunately, the water wasn't frozen, even if the weather felt like we were at the south pole. "You...you want me to throw it in there?" I asked, motioning my head towards the fountain.
He giggled and tossed his coin into the fountain. "See? Easy. Just make a wish before you do it." He winked, waiting with his hands in his pockets for me to toss it in. I did.
My wish? For this to never end.
"That wasn't so hard now was it?" I shook my head and he said, "then what did you wish for?"
A sly smile came across my face, and I said, "It wouldn't come true if I told you, now would it?"
He shrugged, pulling me closer. "I guess not, but I'll tell you something." He looked up at me, pressing his hands against my cheeks and leaned in close. "This love is difficult, but it's real." He smiled, then kissed me in front of everybody in the plaza.
My arms wrapped around his body, allowing the heat of the moment to consume me in all its glory. Our tails wagged in sync, lips intertwined, sounds of footsteps and simple sighs. I didn't want to break away, I wanted to stay with him like this for the rest of my life, ignoring the vacant stares, ignoring the disapproving shadows that lurked around my mind. The jury was out, but my choice was him.
He pulled away, breathing in deeply. "Everyone's looking at us, aren't they?" Everyone was looking at us, but it wasn't theirs to speculate if it was wrong. What we had was something special, something that I never thought would ever happen in my life. It was something that burned inside my body each time I looked or thought about him. It was amazing, it was magical; it was love.
"Who cares?" I whispered, touching his face lightly.
He grabbed my hand gently, pulling it down with sadness in his eyes. "There is one question I want to ask you though," he said.
All good things must come to an end.
He tilted his head and looked off to the side, arms to his sides. As he spoke, I could tell the question was plaguing him for a while. "You weren't there when I was crying in the bathroom. You weren't there when Jordan had to suffer from the loss of Emma. You were never there when your friends needed you the most." He sighed, hiding his shaky hands. "So I guess the question is; you're...you're not going to leave us, right?" He looked up at me, and my gut dropped.
I steadied his hands, tracing the patterns on his palms. "I have no intention of ever leaving you guys again, never again," I said. "Our lives aren't over, we still have so much time left in this world. And I want to spend it all with you, I never want to see you sad again."
He started to cry, and buried his face in my chest, catching me off guard. "I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you!" He looked up at me, teary eyed, it crushed my heart each time I saw him sad. "I know it was a stupid one time occurrence thing," he said, pulling away, clenching his fists. "But what if it happens again? What if something happens to you and you just get up and leave? I don't know... I don't know if I can handle that again." He cried into his hands, I tried so desperately to shush him, to tell him everything was ok. But was it ever going to be ok?
He grabbed my hand and set it against his rapidly beating heart. "I just-I just don't want to have to go through that again." His voice was almost a whisper as he said, "when you left, I had nobody. Jordan was there, and Nathan, but...you weren't. And-and I know this is me being overdramatic and all, but I don't want to feel like that again!"
I pulled him into a tight hug and he seemed to calm down, although who could tell at this point? I tried to be comforting, whispering consoling comments into his ears, holding his hands firmly to tell him I was never going to let go.
"I love you Alex," he said, coming down from his emotional high. "And-and I don't know what I'll do if I ever lost you."
"You're not going to lose me, I'm not going anywhere," I said, ignoring the stares from onlookers. A couple of them looked concerned, while others only glanced in our direction. Being in public with him was terrifying, always wondering what other animals were going to think. Same-sex relationships weren't uncommon, but animals were still holding onto their religious beliefs, still shaming others for thinking differently.
Steven let go, wiping his face and smiling. "I'm sorry," he said. "This...this is stupid."
"It's not," I said. "It's a genuine fear." I knew his act in the coffee shop was just that, an act. Of course he had been repressing his true feelings, of course he was just trying to keep it in for the sake of our relationship or whatever good he thought it would do.
"I know," he said, "and its stupid." He took another deep breath, looking around. "Lets just go home...I never intended for all of it to come out here." He chuckled and smiled, that smile I had been hoping for. "I'm ok now, but let's just go home." He grabbed my hand again and pulled me along towards his car.
️ ️ ️
Stevens' head was laid across my lap, his eyes looking into mine as he talked about the events at school. I wasn't really paying attention, just simple head nods and reassuring smiles, I was more invested in his voice, in everything about him. The world seemed to be whisked away when I was with him, I never wanted to think about anything else other than him.
"Sorry about later today...I didn't mean for it to come out so easily like that," Steven said, his ears twitching.
I grew a line across his snout, causing his eyes to close and his breathing to slow. "It's fine, I knew I wouldn't get off so easily," I said. "Everyone's entitled to feel something, and I do feel guilty for not being there for you."
Steven caressed my cheek. "Don't be, you had your own problems going on. I was just venting out my frustration, but really, I understand."
There was some guilt left in my body, but it slowly dispersed into the air, fading out of existence and out of my life. In only a couple short months, well, not so short considering all the crap I went through. I found the love of my life, something which I never thought would be possible, something which I thought about, but knew it was never a possibility. But there he was, his head in my lap his, brushing my hands through his soft fur, always keeping my claws cut.
My ears flattened from thinking about kissing him in front of everybody. At the moment it seemed like the right thing to do, but when I looked back on it, it just made me cringe.
"Alex?" Steven asked, folding his hands over his chest. "What are we?"
"What are we?" I restated. "What do you mean?"
"C'mon, I know you're not that stupid. Like, what is our relationship?" I shrugged my shoulders, feeling up the fur in his ears.
"What do you want us to be?" I said, with a slight smile. I could never stop smiling when I looked at him.
He sighed, taking a couple of seconds to think. "My dad...he doesn't know that I'm gay...I don't even know if he's ok with me being gay. But whatever, who cares about him? He's never taken the time to ask if I was ok, if his youngest son was ever doing ok. He's always too focused with everyone else to even notice me." There was a deep sadness in his voice, being masked by the light tone of each word. "Still," he said turning over on his side, "I feel like I need this constant validation from him, even though I'm not going to get it. Ugh." He groaned and looked back towards me. "I have this constant question in my head, and I'm honestly really scared to ask it."
"Go for it," I said, trying to make my dark voice as comforting as possible.
He took a deep breath. "I always resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different, would everything be different? If we never met, if you never felt anything toward me, if you hadn't told me about your dad, if you never had a horrible childhood. Would we still be friends? Would we still be," he waved his hands in the air, "whatever you call what we are right now?"
"Why wouldn't we be?" I said. "I would still go to the same school and we would still be roommates."
"I know that." His eyebrows creased. "I'm just saying that...if you never went through pain." His breathing hitched and he stopped, looking at me for reassurance before saying, "if you never tried to kill yourself."
Somehow, it always came back to that, to those horrible thoughts that still floated around in the lazy river that was my mind. They were not as prevalent anymore, hardly even there, but I knew they would resurface if something bad were to happen again. If I was tempted to do it again, would I be able to stop myself? Who would I have to save me? Or would it be too late, and would it be the last time I saw daylight?
I sighed, feeling horrible for what I was about to tell him, but he needed to know the truth. "I...the thoughts aren't gone, they're still there, I can't get them to go away. But when I look at you-when I'm with you, they hurt just a little bit less, and I think that's what really matters."
Steven buried his snout in the fur on my neck. "You-you would tell me if you ever tried to," he swallowed hard, holding back emotion in his throat, "do it again," he finally said.
"Of course I'll tell you," I said, although it was an empty promise. I knew if it ever did happen again, Steven was going to be the last animal I would've called. He didn't need to see me like that again. Maybe it would've been better if I just left without a word...but that was the thing that got me in this situation in the first place. There was no way I could win.
He sighed, accepting the fact, probably already knowing it was a promise I wasn't going to keep. "I'm surprised you didn't get with Jordan, you two seem to be the perfect couple."
I grabbed his face, pulling it closer to mine, tempting him with another kiss. "I only love you, and I'm only going to love you. Jordan is a friend, I love her as a friend, but I love you more."
He kissed me, slipping his hand up my sweatshirt and running his claws through the fur on my chest. His kiss held sadness in it, a yearning for something more, something I couldn't give him. "I'll cry about it later," he said as he kissed me again which brought back flashbacks to New Year's Eve.
"Steven," I said breathlessly, "I don't think-I don't want to hurt you again." He kissed me again, ignoring my comment.
"I don't care if you growl again," he said as he kissed me again. He tasted like the coffee we never drank, and the words that were never said stayed inside as our lips pressed together.
I pulled away from his as another emotion filled up my body, one that I wasn't too familiar with, but knew exactly what it meant. "I-I can't do this," I said, hands shaking as they held onto his sides.
He held onto my face as he touched his forehead with mine, a small smile on his face. My heart twinged at the fact that his smile held something more than just it's usually heartwarming feeling. It was droopy, his eyes closed and his breathing faster than normal. "We don't have to do anything if you're not ready," he said. "There's nowhere in this world I'd rather be than with you.
"When I'm kissing you, my senses come alive, almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find falls right into place. You're all that it takes, my doubts fade away when I'm kissing you."
I've never felt nothing like this. You're making me want to open up. No point in trying to fight this.
I kissed him back, more passionately than before, wanting him to understand that I loved him with every inch of my being.
I know how I feel about you.
Steven giggled as he pulled away from the kiss, touching my lips with his fingertips, being careful with his claws. "I know everything changes, but I don't care where it takes us. Not a day passes by when I don't think about you, cause I know you're the one. I can't be without you," he whispered into my ear which sent shocks all throughout my body. "I love you," he said, taking in a deep breath, tears glistening in his eyes.
"I love you too," I said. I wanted to show him that I loved him, that I truly loved him. But how was I supposed to do that when I was scared of my own body? How was I supposed to really show that I loved him, without saying it which seemed so pointless. I did love him, I loved him so much, but I didn't know how long that love would last, and it scared me.