Celeste's eyes felt heavy as they struggled to open, falling shut just the same, taking her several attempts, whoknows how many and how far apart, to actually fully make sense of her surroundings. She wasn't sure where she was exactly, what she was or how she was. It was only as the steady beeping of the machines around her reminded her, and the scent of disinfectant and a mild fragrance of something else, that she couldn't quite place, lingering in the dimly lit room confirmed that she was clearly in a hospital room. All she felt was the way her eyes and lips felt incredibly dry, her throat raspy, accompanied by a dulled pain that radiated upwards increasing as she began to piece together what had happened. She was unsure how things had developed and on some level she felt scared to find out. She laid there still, immobile, until her eyes finally focused enough to recognize the hunched figure in the armchair.
"Jess?" she whispered, unsure how strongly her voice came out, feeling like everything came out quieter than she'd intended.
"Este? Good, you're awake, finally," he sighed drowsily, quickly pulling himself out of his superficial nap. He held her hand gently, not wanting to move it too much because of the blood transfusion on that arm. She'd been out for nearly 10 hours, and while he'd already spent several of those hours at the NICU being overwhelmed by emotions and scared out of his mind, clearly not idling, time had dragged like eternity not knowing for sure if Celeste was going to make it.
"Where is she?" Celeste asked in a hoarse voice, suddenly recalling the scent that she remembered so clearly, probably still a trace of Evie left on her skin. There was nothing more urgent or important that she needed to know. The whole birth seemed like a blur, looking back. She only really recalled the sensation that she'd felt when they'd placed Evie onto her chest - the dense moist bundle of flesh - part hers and his, it's warmth and feel forever engraved in her brain. A minute was all it had taken.
"Evie is at the NICU, she's breathing on her own but they're just helping her a little to keep warm and she has mild jaundice, but they have lamps for that. She's tiny and has really sharp fingernails," he said with a slight chuckle in the end, still not quite believing she was real. "But she's eating, moving, pooping - she's perfect," he added, kissing her forehead. "Now we just need to get you well," Jess whispered as he pulled a stool closer and sat to her level, gently stroking her hair, his other hand still intertwined with hers. Celeste smiled weakly, still feeling weak.
"I'm afraid to ask...," Celeste asked a few minutes later.
"You had a severe bleed and they had to do a laparotomy. You're probably going to be hurting for a while," Jess explained carefully, knowing how she wasn't very good with wounds or blood in general. "They've got you on a blood transfusion here at the ICU," he explained calmly. Surely it was more complicated than that, but he was no doctor and with the plethora of information he'd gotten last night it was a miracle he'd remembered this much. He observed her for a minute longer, feeling beyond happy that she was there - conscious.
"I should let them know you're awake," Jess added, buzzing the call-button.
Once the doctor had examined her, the nurse checked her vitals and helped to clean her up a bit, without getting out of bed. She promised a lactation specialist would be coming by in a few hours to help her attempt to express some milk for Evie. That much interaction was already too much for her and she just wanted to go back to sleep.
"Go be with her. I don't want her to be alone," Celeste told Jess, not really needing to clarify what she meant just before she dozed off again.
"I will," he assured, kissing her forehead once more.
He'd never imagined being in a situation like this, his girls being two floors apart, his mind always having to decide whom he was going to be with. He wanted to split into two, but he was just one person. It felt like being in the wrong place either way, ridden by guilt.
Jess had just been over to the NICU to feed Evie, using the first tiny bath of Celeste's breastmilk and a needleless syringe, and after watching her fall back asleep on his chest - probably the most magical sensation he'd ever felt - he headed back towards the elevators aiming to return to the ICU, when his phone beeped.
"We're downstairs in the lobby. They say we can't come up to see you guys and they're not giving us much information. Everything okay?" Rory texted him. He'd kept his phone turned off most of the day, phones being not allowed in neither ICU or NICU, and it was only then he realized there had been a number of text and voicemails waiting for him. He felt unable to look through them all right this minute, just deciding to deal with the one at hand.
"I'll come down," he replied, just as the elevator doors opened.
He had hardly looked in the mirror that day, wearing yesterday's clothes, his beard rough and clearly smelling a little musky, let alone eaten more than a few granola bars from Celeste's hospital bag. But he didn't really care - these hours had been too intense for anything else to really register.
"Hey," he greeted, seeing Rory, Logan, Luke and Liz waiting by the meeting point, having not really expected so many of them.
"How is everybody doing?" Liz asked worriedly, after hugging him.
Jess sighed, beginning to describe the situation. He was optimistic, but the worry hadn't gone anywhere - the doctors were still worried about Celeste's iron levels and the possibility of clotting. Luckily, Evie was doing a lot better, and he showed them a video he'd taken of her, her minuscule fingers curling around his finger.
A round of congratulations followed - all still a little concerned but still - there was a new human in the world after all.
"Wow, light brown eyes! Just like your's!" Liz exclaimed emotionally after glancing at the video one more time. Evie's hair was definitely lighter than Jess' but not quite as blonde as Finny's or Celeste's, but Jess had observed her long enough to recognize a little of both them in her little face.
"So she hasn't seen her at all?" Rory exclaimed in disbelief, thinking how awful she would've felt if she'd been in her position.
"She got to hold her for a minute just after birth but unfortunately not since then - they're on different floors," Jess explained, running his fingers through his hair. He felt bad for her, but he also felt so powerless and overwhelmed, just tiptoeing around both of them, unsure what he could or could not do - for example he had to ask every time if it was okay to hold Evie. He knew that despite Evie being light as a feather, Celeste probably wasn't going to be able to hold her properly for a while due to her wound, but he desperately wanted them to be together any way they could.
"That's so sad," Rory sighed, wrapping her hands around Logan's arm.
"Have you had a chance to take a break?" his mother worried - that's what mothers did.
"Do I look well rested?" he asked in return, slightly sarcastically. Clearly the situation was getting to him - feeling helpless and grumpy. As that wasn't enough, his back was sore from sleeping in the armchair, the ICU not really being meant for overnight guests, the nurses having made an exception already.
"At least sit down and eat something," Luke said, handing him a banana and a tuna sandwich, not taking a 'no' for an answer.
"Yeah," Liz agreed, sitting down next to him, as he relented, landing onto the bench to eat.
"They're well looked after, I'm sure," Liz added, assuringly.
"Sorry, I'll just go make a quick call," Logan apologized, excusing himself.
Jess scoffed down the food without really thinking about what he was eating or how it tasted.
"But just think about it, Jess - you're a father now," Liz emphasized, as she sat besides her, hugging him over his shoulder.
It was true of course, but he hadn't quite said it out loud before now - he was a father now. He didn't really reply, but there was a hint of a crooked smile that he couldn't quite hold back either. In the middle of all this, it felt a little soon for him to be celebrating.
"If you need us to bring you anything or come and help out, just let us know, okay?" Luke encouraged.
"Thanks. But I'm not sure there is much for you to do here right now, the ICU is quite restricted," Jess added. "I guess I'll just let you know once either of them gets transferred," he added.
"So Jess," Logan began as he returned a moment later. "They have a family room at the 15th floor with private ICU and NICU capabilities that they are right now setting up for you guys. They'll call either floors when they are ready and bring them there. There's a real bed for you too and we can come visit starting from tomorrow if it's okayed by the attending," Logan explained, having pulled a few strings.
"I didn't know that was possible," Jess raised in awe, hugging him with gratitude. "Thank you," he exhaled, feeling a lump forming in his throat.
"It's no problem," Logan patted his back. He later explained to Rory that his name still meant something in this place. After his own accident Mitchum had to his surprise funded the renovation of an entire department here. And whatever the room cost - he didn't really ask - it was their gift to them.
"That's wonderful!" Liz exclaimed.
"Now you go up there and tell your wife the good news," Luke gave him a half hug, feeling genuinely happy for them.
"And you guys can go stay at the house if you want, April can let you in," Jess added, as he hugged everybody goodbye.
"We'll be fine, and we'll be back tomorrow," Liz added as the group waved him off as he took the elevator back to the ICU.
AN: Thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it! Just a note that I'm no doctor. I did my homework, but there's a limit to how much I'll do in hours (these last few chapters taking a lot already) - so if anyone has real life experience and feel like there are mistakes (like how soon after surgery it is possible to give breastmilk to a baby - I'll gladly correct those mistakes). Also there may be mistakes regarding some organisational aspects at US hospitals (things work a little differently probably compare to where I'm from).