While my muses gear up for the next chapter, I figured I would collect more of the odd bits that have come up in discussion forums. We humbly submit these offerings for your enjoyment:
Janus Outtakes 4
In the Reign of the Empress:
"Your Majesty, I heard news that a group of PETA activists got through the Gate and were trying to start rallies here in Sadera?"
"Oh, yes! I met with them personally and granted permission for them to hold a rally in the Colosseum," she said with a smirk.
"Your Majesty, you've got that look in your eye. What did you do, Your Majesty?"
"I may have ordered the lions and tigers loosed into the arena. I mean... we had a happy crowd, my animals got fed, those activists got the joy of benefiting animals in the highest measure, and my Empire is peaceful again!"
"Right... *sigh* "A tragic bus accident..."
Owens extra:
"So, you finalize the security escort for Senator Bickford?"
"Yeah, the Airborne's handling it….Let's see, Corporal Owens was up for security rotation."
"Oh, that's good…wait, what? The dragon corporal? Anson Owens?"
"Yes, that was the name. What about I-ohshi-"
"Yeah, was the Senator on the list of those who got the dragon report? The OTHER dragon report?"
"Oh, I don't think so. Just the Fire Dragon intel. Oh f###-"
Senator Bickford looked up at the massive golden dragon, head looming ten feet above her own, what looked like a machine gun and a rocket launcher attached to combat webbing slung across its chest.
The Senator turned to the human sergeant standing next to her.
"Something you're not telling me, sergeant?"
Senator Bickford got the sudden impression of a lot of cold sweating going on.
"Somebody screwed up, didn't they?"
"-wasn't me this time."
"Not blaming you, Owens."
"The fact that's coming from the DRAGON tells me lots, sergeant. Care to fill in the rest of that?"
(To her credit, Senator Bickford insisted on the full planned itinerary, touring a local village, passing through several abandoned and razed ones(including the remains of one destroyed by the Fire Dragon))
Falmart Book List
1) A House Divided: Fall and Rebirth of the Saderan Empire, By Empress Pina Co Lada.
2) My Struggle (With Shoelaces), By Zorzal El Caesar. German Translation by Anton Meyer: ...Mein Kampf (mit Schnürsenkeln)
3) Cat Scratch Fever, By Sergeant Takeo Kurata
4) The Science of Applied Magic, By Lelei La Lalena, With Foreword By Rory Mercury
5) Bunny Slippers!, By Walter and Parna O'Reilly
6) Capturing The Off-Worlder: Courtship and Romance In The New Age, By Panache Fure Kalgi
7. My Rescue by Tyuule Mochizuki
8. I Did It My Way by Hardy
9. The Schwarz Forest Elven Firearms Safety Handbook by Yao Ro Dushi
10) On The Trail of Gandalf, By Doctor Richard Stevens
11) Kitchen Finesse: The Joy of Orcish Cuisine, By Grelkar of Storm Mountain
12) Humanity Beyond Humanity, A Consideration of the Catholic Church in The New World, By Father Francis Mulcahy
13) "Where the Sirens Sing: a Good, Keen Gal Through the Gate", by Karen Laurie, Captain, New Zealand Army (retd)"
14) "Engineering An Empire: The Road From Rome To Sadera", by Sandra Thompson, Engineer, New Zealand Army (retd)
15) Who's What(!?). Anecdotal Accounts of the Magically Transformed in the Alnus Region. (various)
The Capture of Viscount Maio
Following the fleeing 'Romans' into the buildings they were taking cover in after the obliteration of their massed formations in the open, courtesy of the 'Three Asskickers'(Artillery, Armor, and Air Support', the JSDF and USMC units were now engaged in winkling out the holdouts, door to door. Though the 'Romans' had ceased to exist as an organized formation, the Tokyo defenders were now finding out the hard way that individual 'Romans' were distressingly effective in close quarters combat, and more than one pursuing Japanese soldier or American Marine had found themselves facing a sharp end in the hands of a panicked and desperate 'legionnaire'.
So it was that when the Marines and their local counterparts had wound up being assigned to clearing out a hallway in an office building, they were understandably cautious searching door to door. Broken doors and overturned furniture told them that the place had been previously invaded by the damn fantasyland army. Having reached the end of the hallway, with only what appeared to be a washroom left un-searched on this floor, they positioned themselves so as to hopefully minimize the chances of one or both of the leading soldiers catching a sword or spear when they went in.
What they didn't expect to find, when they finally burst in, was the sight of one of the Romans', obviously, a high-rank officer if the gilded armor was any indication, laid out on the restroom floor, draped in toilet paper, and very unconscious. The soldiers looked at the large heavily-studded handbag in the hands of the white-haired old woman hovering menacingly over the fallen enemy, looked back at the man's head, helmet knocked askew and a softball-sized bump already forming over one brow, then looked back at the grandmother crouched in the open door of one of the rest stalls.
Then, with the quiet dignity due the situation, the Japanese and the American soldiers stood straight and respectfully saluted the defender of the washroom.
This Old Saderan House
"Nice villa; reminds me of Malibu or Italy, but have you seen the bathrooms?"
"Sponge on a stick, man...egghhh."
"How about all that lead pipe?!"
"I'm ordering in non-poisonous pipes. This place is getting proper indoor plumbing."
Alnus Home Makeover, courtesy of the USN/USMC/US Army Corp of Engineers.
XXX
German Pioneers: "What? You want us to study back up on plumbing? Ah, don't you have enough base engineers for that? You want us to do WHAT? Okay, not ALL the villages but HOW MANY estates? ...This isn't going to end up with us doing a sewer crawl, is it? Because some of my people still haven't recovered from the last one..."
(FLASHBACK: Two German Alliance soldiers in a narrow tunnel with flashlights out, staring in mounting horror, their eyes tracking upwards, as something off-camera GROWLS/SLURPS)
Dateline Rome:
World Wide News
15 March 2024
Today, on the anniversary of the death of Julius Caesar, Italian fringe politician and member of the Chamber of Deputies, Luigi Cambeia proposed to the Italian Parliament that 'The City of Sadera is the Fourth Rome and the legitimate successor to the Roman Empire'. Cambeia then proposed an act of unification with the Saderan Empire. Although the proposal was quickly voted down, the surprising number of votes in support of the measure is seen as a strong protest against the government of Prime Minister Gambetta, which has been mired in scandal and accusations of widespread corruption.
Prime Minister Gambetta has also been heavily criticized for his handling of Italy's current economic downturn. An economic downturn further worsened, ironically, by the decline of tourism caused by the opening of the Saderan Empire to tourist visitation.
This vote comes only days before the much-anticipated face-to-face meeting of The Pope with The Church Mother of The Church of the Sacred Promise.
XXX
"Come ON! We can do better for this year's travel pitch line than 'Come to Italy! We Have Flush Toilets and a Lesser Chance of Getting Speared!'"
XXX
Saderan Engineering Team en route to Rome. Vows to Restore Colosseum!
Reasons To Go to Italy Instead of Sadera for Vacation:
-The pigeons won't try to eat you
-You'll leave with the same face and body you arrived with
-The locals know what to expect from Americans(or Germans, French, etc.)
-The local doctors don't use leeches for EVERYTHING
-Ambulances and on-call EMTs
-Italy accepts travelers' checks(and Visa/Mastercard)
-Air-conditioned taxis and trains
-No Ymirs in the street
-Safety-inspected food
-Air pollution regulations
-Cell phone and wireless service
-Prostitutes won't try to eat you
-Everything sounds better in Italian
-Friendly police and a working legal system(extradition treaties)
Reasons to Go to Sadera Instead of Italy for Vacation:
-The locals won't know you're Americans(or Germans, French, etc.)
-Unprocessed foods
-No smog
-No 'Made in HongKong' merchandise in the souvenir shops
-No cell phone and wireless service
-Excellent exchange rates
-Bunny- and cat-girls!
-No plastic washing ashore on our beaches!
-No piped-in elevator music
-No fakery, no reenactments, all real and true to life.
-Holistic medicine
-Magic medicine
-We speak English
-High adventure!
Counter Intelligence
"...and see, for this plan to work we sneak that dragon-sergeant into Sadera disguised as their national symbol-"
"Stop, Stop right there, Flagg, before the sheer stupidity of your plan occurs to you and strangles your brain."
Colonel Flagg shook his head dismissively. "That won't happen. NOTHING ever... occurs to me. Because I never stop to think! That way, I'm completely unpredictable because even I have no idea what I'm doing!"
"Shall we alert the field hospital to reserve a bed for you in anticipation of your next bone breakage, or are you going to try for self-exsanguination this time?"
(Princess Pina: "It's almost reassuring that your people have absolute maniacs and idiots in positions of authority, the same as us... Almost.")
Interested Parties
Japanese Reporter: "Tentacles? Really? Where?"
German Pioneer: "Yes. In the mineshaft, we found ...Why are you so interested?"
And Here's Your Sign
"We told him it was for "external use only", but did he listen? Noooooooo..."
"We can't all be geniuses, Sergeant Foxworthy."
"Just hand me the sign. We tag this body, and move on."
407th at the Movies: This sounds familiar…
"Attention! Tonight's movie is 'Battle Circus' starring Humphrey Bogart as a renegade Army Surgeon in Korea. It has been held over from yesterday, which was canceled due to lack of interest." *
Magical Medical Cure
"Okay, that didn't reattach correctly..."
"Okay, in the smoke and confusion, we ...grabbed the wrong parts..."
"Yes, in retrospect, getting the patient drink may have been a good idea."
"Look at the bright side; you're now the tallest dwarf in the city."
"Usually our patients come in the front door, not through the roof."
"What is this? Where does it go? Quickly, boy, get Raul the Anatomist down the street!"
"Well, the next time you have an accident like this, call us and we'll fix it RIGHT!"
"Does it hurt? I said does it hurt? I ASKED DOES IT HURT! I CAN'T MAKE OUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING OVER THE SCREAMING!"
"Oh, you WEREN'T a cat-girl before? Then...who was?"
New Hire
Albus Dumbledore: "Not that your abilities are in question but I'm curious why you want to teach the DADA class here at Hogwarts? The position is cursed. No teacher has lasted more than a year in the position."
Mage Applicant: "A YEAR? I lived thirty years in Rondel. What you consider an eventful year, we call it 'Thursday'.
Science Mage!
"And that is why there's an 'unofficial' standing order to make really damn sure she can't get her hands on any book on nuclear physics or anything written by Hawkins, John Drury Clark, or Dr. A. G. Streng quite yet."
"Oh please, what's the worst that could happen?"
"Take a pick between figuring out transmutation through magic fueled 'hot' nucleosynthesis, accidentally-ing a kitbashed Davy Crockett, pocket black holes, or accidental chronomancy."
"And this is why the DoD is quietly biting their knuckles and going cold-sweat whenever anybody sez the word 'magic' around them."
Anime… nia
You know, considering the people involved (especially Itami and Kurata, giant otakus as they are), how long until someone tries to convince Leilei to cosplay as Megumin?
*hammy Leilei with a mushroom cloud in the distance*
Itami: "On second thought, this was a terrible mistake."
Itami would be horribly, horribly, torn, between that reaction, and screaming that it's awesome as all hell.
That or slumped down, outright sobbing, that he's inside one of his Japanese Animes (yes, he's deliberately quoting the line), and its not as fun as he dreamed, and he's shattered over it.
Genre-Savvy roll vs Insanity roll, when you KNOW you're in for it.
"HOW COULD THIS GET ANY-no, stoprighttherenowayI'mgoingtosayit-"
"You could be in a self-insert fanfic."
"Thank you so VERY much for that comforting thought."
Things We Are Not Allowed to Do In the GATE/JANUS Universe:
1. Not allowed to ask Taylor if you can rent one of his fiancés for the weekend.
2. Not allowed to ask Panache if you can rent her fiancé for the weekend.
3. Not allowed to ask Owens if you can rent his Priestess for the weekend.
4. Quit referring to Itami as 'Amazing Loli-man'.
5. Not allowed to sell Kurata catnip toys.
6. Quit pestering Taylor for an invitation to the orgies.
7. Quit asking Giselle if grabbing her by the breasts makes her your fiancé.
8. Quit asking Hardy for a 'possession makeover'.
9. Quit teasing the Japanese hardliners about 'losing Second Manchuria'.
10, Quit bothering Lady Octavia about whether she's 'still adopting'.
11. No longer allowed to search the market for amulets of the 'Flying Pony Goddess'.
12. Quit referring to Prince Diablo as the 'Emo-Lord', 'Prince Emo', or 'Prince Dither-head'.
13. It's Prince ZORZAL, not Prince SNORKEL.
14. Quit trying to slip Itami brass knuckles.
15. Quit introducing yourself to Falmartans as being a noble in good standing with 'Burger King, King of Burgers'.
16. Quit trying to slip Zorzal a grenade after telling him it's a flask of powerful liquor with a self-extracting cork…just pull the pin and pull off the lever.
17. Quit referring to dark elves as 'the other dark meat'.
18. Quit asking Owens if you can borrow some of the Rhinegold.
19. Quit trying to hook the faeries on Jolt Cola.
20, Quit repeating Doctor Pierce's "Martini" joke with regards to Saderan names. Some of the locals are catching on.
21. Quit asking the Rose Knights to beat the stuffing out of you so you can date the 'hot ones' afterwards.
22. Quit asking the German Pioneers if they've gone "A bridge too far" yet.
23. Quit referring to the commander of Fort Defiance as 'the Sisko'.
24. Quit asking Sage Cato to teach you 'sex magic'.
25. Quit trying to convince the Saderans that Godzilla is real and that it's only the Pacific Alliance that's keeping him from crawling through the Gate to Falmart.
26. Quit trying to hire Giselle for a stag party.
27. Quit trying to hawk Taylor's briefs on eBay as 'manliness amulets'.
28. Quit referring to Taylor, Lord Octavian's expanded house holdings as the 'House of Stud'.
29. Quit teasing Owens with drone flybys.
30. Quit trying to get the Warrior Bunnies into Playboy Bunny outfits. Especially not as 'warrior uniforms'.
31. Taylor is NOT to be referred to as 'Pimp-Daddy', 'Pimpinator', 'Harem-Master', 'Super Sex Magneto', nor is he a 'Navy Bard'
31A. Nor is he 'vacuuming up all the eligible females'.
31B. There are no emergency contingency plans drawn up to 'surgically remove Taylor's mojo in the event he threatens to in-gather all eligible females into his harem'.
31C. Nor are you allowed to draw up such contingency plans. Seriously, if this continues, we're giving your names to his fiancées and letting them deal with you.
32. You may not volunteer to assist Kurokawa in conducting medical exams on the Akusho District women, 'observing in the name of science'.
33. Owens has not been banned from entering Tokyo by Godzilla cultists.
33A. He is NOT 'Single-Head Ghidorah'. Quit spreading that rumor.
34. We are NOT paying our demihuman employees with Milk Bones or Scooby-snacks.
34A. Corporal Itaki, as much as some of his colleagues may dispute his claim to being a human being, just happens to like chewing on Milk Bones. It was either that or a three-pack-a-day smoking habit.
35. Demihuman employees of the Alliance are NOT being given mandatory full-body buzzcuts.
35A. Intern Guff was an exception because he contracted a serious case of ogre lice.
36. Whoever body-dyed Fox Company's Faeries blue; cinnamon buns ain't going to get you off this one.
36A. Which one of you depraved idiots introduced them to Terry Pratchett?
37. Quit sending your wives' divorce attorneys to Owens in hopes he'll eat them. You're giving him a phobia of lawyers.
37A. If his Priestess stabs any of them, we're holding you wholly responsible.
38. Quit playing the theme music to 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' whenever the German Pioneers go by. There's no evidence at all that they're using their road trips to loot ancient temples.
38A. It's just a coincidence that Priestess Desiree recognized one of her religion's long-lost relics in some artifacts the Germans had picked up scouting.
39. To the Engineers: Your using crane-mounted electromagnets to pick up fully armored knights has not gone unappreciated. King Duran's registered a complaint about the assault on the dignity of his diplomatic party.
40. Quit pestering Lieutenant Itami if you can borrow Kuribayashi's Berserk Remote.
41. Quit referring to Lieutenant Yanagida as 'Commissar Yanagida'. Nor is he 'Inquisitor Yanagida'.
41A. Also quit referring, within his hearing, to Itami's awards or the estimated value of Taylor-Lord Octavian's holdings just to see him hit the ceiling.
41B. Waiting until he's taken a mouthful of coffee to relate that is also banned.
41C. Likewise with the drag on his cigarette. Though, on the positive side, the incident seems to have gotten him to kick his smoking habit.
42. Fire support still has the same meaning in this world. It does not mean you have to grab the nearby flame sorceress and make her cheer for you!
43. Stop approaching unicorns. I don't care how badly your kid(s) wants one, the damn thing will try to impale literally everything we put near it if we have to bring it in.
44: We don't care how many signatures you get for your damn petition. We aren't replacing all our close air support with dragons.
44A: Or helicopters. Keep it up and you're all walking.
45. The Rose Knights are NOT 'Sisters of Battle', nor do they hunt demons, 'purge the xenos', or enforce a cult of personality centered on the Saderan emperor.
45A. The veterans of the 'Iron Thorns' are NOT 'Gray Knights'. Be respectful of their age and experience.
45B. Nor is Taylor, 'Sebastian Thor'...honestly, you WH40K otakus have WAY too much time on your hands.
46. Blackmailing the troops by threatening to withhold Orc-baked cookies is henceforth banned. Need I remind you the men are issued LIVE ammunition?
47. Just because one Para ran into combat stark naked, doesn't mean the rest of you can. The soldier in question was taking a shower when their field camp was attacked by bandits and he was responding. You don't have that excuse.
48. The captured catapults are NOT toys, nor are you a 'Human catapult ball'! DO NOT EVEN TRY IT.
48A. You really want us to write your family and tell them you were, in summary, too stupid to live? Because that's what we're going to have to tell them.
49. While medieval/melee weapons training is now available to soldiers requesting it, quit requesting 'magic swords'!
49A. The same goes for 'lightsabers'.
49B. Damnit, take the training seriously! Quit the damn Jedi Academy nonsense!
50. Stop it with the coconut shells already. You're not fooling either the sentries or the locals that you're approaching on horseback.
50A. Likewise, disguising the M1A1 tank as a giant wooden rabbit. Impressive carpentry work, but a waste of effort.
50C. No you may not pet the Rabbit Abrams.
50D. WHO THE FUCK MADE A JAGDABRAMS RABBIT?!
51. Related to the previous one. Do not test if SF Sergeants are related to the "Beast of Caerbannog"
51A. One exception. Somebody got Delilah a "Beast of Caerbannog" t-shirt, after that one very public incident. It was appropriate, but we only need to see that once.
51B. Doctor Pierce would like to say that he hopes never to see a case of somebody's gall bladder wound around their spine ever again.
51C. Nor are any of the other doctors too
52. Stop Shaking your Rifle at the local villagers and shouting "THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK!" Addendum: No more chanting "Klaatu Barada Nikto". Cleaning up Zombies and Deadites is no one's idea of a fun time.
53. Betting pools on the life expectancy of specific Allied personnel with regards to their relationships with locals is banned. It's ghoulish and unbecoming of professional soldiers and allies.
53A. Likewise, so are betting pools on when Kurata's Fast-Talk skill is going to implode.
53B. No, we have NOT detached a special unit of corpsmen to trail Mister Kurata and collect any detached limbs of his for emergency surgical reattachment.
53C. Okay, rooting for 'Team Katia/Persia' with custom-made fan-favors is just over the top. Put those things away!
54. Quit pestering Taylor if he needs a professional house guest or a veteran pool boy.
55. We know. Pina's Knights have unusual names. That being said, anyone wanting to "have a Zima" is hereby warned that Adrasta Co Zima is a master of pankration and is fiercely protective of her sister Electra. Of course, if any of you really want to, Adrasta will make time for any of you that really wants to "try a Zima".
55A. We don't know what would happen if you decide that "trying a Zima" means Adrasta rather than her sister. We also don't want to find out, and will accordingly mock your stupidity if you are gravely injured for doing that.
56. Quit asking Owens for a 'golden'. He doesn't shed scales like other dragons as far as we've been able to ascertain..and so far.
57. Prince Zorzal is NOT limited to two facial expressions: Arrogant Punchable Sneer and THISCAN'TPOSSIBLYBEHAPPENING!. Quit spreading this rumor.
57A. [CLASSIFIED: TOP SECRET]. For those with appropriate clearance, this rumor is false because we learned that he in fact has a third facial expression: Knocked The Fuck Out. As this information is classified it is also expected that you do not share it.
57B. We really mean it. Zorzal's third facial expression is like Fight Club: we don't talk about it.
58. Quit bothering Chief Richardson or Miz Indras whether 'the earth moved for them'.
59. Artillery missions are not to be entered in the action logs as 'Divine Smiting-'X' number of rounds fired'. Use the same formats as before Falmart and don't get cutesy.
59A. 'Happiness deliveries' is also out.
59B. 'Tossing Legionnaire Salad' is just plain disrespectful!
60. Strategic Air Command is NOT replacing its bombers with golden dragons, or ANY dragons. Quit spreading that rumor.
60A. There is no truth to the rumor of a secret Area 51 black ops squadron trained to ride dragons and carry tac nukes, and even if there was, that reeks of so much black ops deep secret shoot-yourself-before-reading above your security clearance that we'd have to kill you for saying anything.
60B. No, that is NOT an admission such a unit actually exists!
61. The New Zealander contingent of the Alliance is not so hard up for equipment they're riding kiwis in their Janus zone. It is not necessary to pass a hat or start a 'GoFundme' page for the NZ.
61A. Yes it is!
61B. Please ignore 61A and do not contribute to any attempts at a fraudulent funding campaign for equipment for the New Zealander contingent, because we already know it's an attempt by some junior enlisted group or other to get extra beer money.
62. Sending Emperor Molt a 'care package' of concealable body armor and a food testing kit smacks of a certain knowledge that has our mil intel people very interested in what you know. Spill.
63. As amusing as it might be to see Zorzal's reaction, take the poster-signs of Sgt. Kuribayashi's head-on fist off the front of your vehicles.
63A. Save 'em for psych-ops.
64. Popping paper or plastic bags behind Princess Pina is a no-no; the poor lady's on edge bad enough without you jokers setting her off.
64A. Any and all of those who ignore this warning get to wear the retard badge when the inevitable happens. Despite what you may think she is a trained professional, and will at least try to cut you if you spook her like that.
64B. The next person who does this and is inevitably cut to ribbons will have to wear a sign that says "I lost a fight with a cheese grater". No offense to Pina's skills, but hopefully this will nip the issue in the bud.
64C. Pun unintended, and no offense was meant towards the Pina or her knights.
65. Related to 64B and 64C, please do not make flower-related puns or jokes at the expense of the Rose Order knights. They will probably understand them, and if they do they will also probably be unhappy over it. Ignoring this qualifies as playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes.
65A. Okay, the guy who presented the Rose Knights with steel maces made up in the shape of roses gets a pass because the concept was both practical AND artistic. Those long-stemmed/handled maces got some good heft to them. **
66. Would the practical jokers who turned loose the Emus into the Australian contingent barracks please come forward for your beatings. The Aussies are NOT amused. It wasn't funny in 1932 and it's not funny now!
66A. That same as the fucker that released it into the local wilds. I don't care if it is "biological warfare" to eat Saderans field, but there probably will be consequences that even scientists can't even fathom! This is Magicland(TM) guys, get real.
66B. Okay, we collected up the emus that escaped the base perimeter...only we've got one more than was reported. Don't let them out of containment and do a headcount of all your personnel just in case. and we get this figured out. This is, ahem, 'Magicland' as noted.
67. Pulling on Inferni's tails is NOT the same as massaging an erogenous zone. Pacifists or not, Inferni can still pack a punch if suddenly and painfully startled. Mind you, they'll apologize afterward, but you may not be able to appreciate it after doing a couple of complete spins from their hallelujah haymaker.
68. Quit trying to forge and submit Kurata's name on a marriage certificate. Either he'll truly man up and propose to those girls, or they'll wise up and ditch him. Either way, we don't want to get involved in his love life and you don't want to be active participants in the train wreck.
69. Quit trying to convince the Inferni that spandex is 'consecrated fabric' and that their ceremonial vestments properly should be made of the stuff.
70. No using flamethrowers on bandits. You're not Lina Inverse, and the flamethrower can be considered a war crime.
70A. Calling in artillery on them just so you can shout 'DRAGONSLAAAAVVVVVVVVEEEEEE!' Is banned.
70B. Nor can you bring garage-made recoilless rifles or RPGs just for that either.
71. We are NOT calling the diplomatic mission to Rondel 'the Hogwarts Express'.
71A. We're not using a Sorting Hat to choose who goes on the mission.
71B. We're not sending 'Slytherins' as diplomats.
71C. Okay, however, did you persuade the helicopter crews to name their birds 'Ravenclaws' and 'Gryffindors'?
72. All personnel are reminded if you are not feeling well, GO TO SICK CALL! Do not seek out the local pharmacopeia. Sure, Private Sandusci got rid of his headache but his subsequent inquiry into getting 'Rock Hard Abs' bought him more than he bargained for.
73. No one should use Sergeant Owens as some big-ass organic lighter for smoking. I know it looks cool to light up a cigarette with dragon fire to woo the girls online, but fire hazard anyone?!
73A. Neither is he a BBQ lighter. Even if you're roasting a whole cow in a PR celebration with natives, that's not an acceptable excuse for accidentally setting a LAV on fire.
74. Owens is also not an organic flamethrower, so unless it is necessary or mission-related, do not ask him to burn stuff. Last warning, Sgt. Kuribayashi, although I support the "material" that you burn.
74A. Should it become mission-essential that Owen does set something on fire, all normal weapon safety procedures will still apply, including checking your backstop.
74B. If Sergeant Owens MUST use fire for mission-oriented purposes, do NOT yell "DRAGON SLAAAAAAVVVVVVE!" While he's doing it. HE might get the joke But Desiree will not and the injuries you sustain afterward will be classified as 'Your Own Damn Fault'
75. Quit forwarding annotated copies of the Victoria's Secret catalog to Persia and Katrine, for the express purpose of setting Kurata up for either a heart attack or a blue balls episode.
75A. Also quit telling them that a sheer white bikini, garters, hose, and high heels is 'traditional Japanese dating dress'
75B. Or that a dominatrix outfit is 'traditional Japanese wedding dress'
76. We don't care how good a deal you made selling the pictures and the video (which are still classified, we should note) to a contracting shop in Tokyo. The Prince Zorzal Punching Bags remain on the EARTH side of the Gate.
76A. You're just going to have to return the money you made off Warrior Bunnies making advance orders.
77. Add to the list of things you're no longer allowed to call Owens: "Pimp-Dragon', 'Jar-Jar on Steroids', 'Golden Turkey', 'Golden Dodo', 'Arrow-Magnet', or 'Vermithrax'.
78. No, the 101st will NOT be replacing their screaming eagle head patch with Owens' instead. Nor will he be replacing 'Old Abe', their eagle mascot.
78A. Nice job with the patches, dumbasses, but it's a waste of effort.
78B. Never mind; turn over any 'dragonhead Airborne' patches you have; word is they're forming an auxiliary unit of Dragonoid militia and somebody thought those patches would be perfect for them.
79. Never serve Tang or Kool-Aid to the faeries.
79A. Never serve SPIKED Tang or Kool-Aid to the faeries.
79B. Especially RUM-spiked Tang or Kool-Aid. (Note: "An' what daft, ogre brained F******d! wastes good rum ta mix with these unholy 'drink crystals'? D' ya even listen to yerselves? 'Drink crystals'? Even the name sounds like an unholy use of Dark Magic!")
79C. No, you're not allowed to requisition an Engineering Vehicle to deal with the damage or clean up the faerie hangover vomit.
79D. Yeah, we were surprised too about how much they can upchuck. Chalk it up to magic bullshit.
79E. Don't serve them any 'energy drinks' either. You have been warned.
80. The French observers are here to observe military matters, NOT steal away orcs to work in Parisian restaurants. Quit threatening to shoot the French delegation to keep them from poaching our PX employees.
81. To the idiots who used the LTA aerial disc drone to buzz by the international press party; you were given such equipment to reconnoiter an alien world and secure the Gate and the modern city beyond it from repeat invasions, not to pull stupid pranks!
82.-Don't refer to Margaret Houlihan as 'Spiderwoman'
83.-Quit trying to sell the newbies 'Weirdness Dosimeters', or tell them that the policy is once the 'meters' register a 'critical dose', they have to report for special treatment.
83A. -No, Klinger, if the special treatment was being sent back home, we'd ALL have to be rotated back stateside.
84. No more invoking fictitious deities, even by way of example. They might really exist around here, or an opportunistic local god-being may see your exclamation as an invitation. (That means YOU, Hawkeye! No more smartass examples!)
Earthquake Rescue
*sniff*sniff*sniff*
"There. There's somebody under that," Anson Owens reported with certainty as they surveyed a collapsed house.
Sergeant Malthus nodded. "Okay, that's some pretty heavy timber-"
Two large clawed hands reached out and started paring away the heavy beam in long quick strokes. A long golden tail snaked in between them and curled around the center section, pulling it clear as it separated from the rest of its length. The next revealed wooden beam was given a similar treatment.
"What are you guys standing around for?! Start pulling the rest of this junk to the sides! Okay, Owens, let me get in there and shore up your hole so it doesn't collapse inwards."
The golden dragon backed off, but inserted his wings to afford the sergeant crawling into the rubble pile some protection from loose debris."
"Damn it! Chimney collapsed too! I got somebody buried under some stone here! Can you?"
A dragon's head obligingly dipped in, took a toothsome grip on a mouthful of rock, and heaved it out, spitting it to the side. Owens made a retching noise at the taste of rock, but he diligently returned for another mouthful.
A couple of minutes later the rescue group was lifting an unconscious villager out of the ruins of their home. As the injured woman was loaded into a humvee ambulance, the team took a moment to draw back and assess the rest of the hamlet. There were entirely too many collapsed buildings.
"That one. Up the hill." 'That one' looked like the remains of a large, probably multi-generational, home. Now it was just a large pile.
"That's Goodman Theiser's inn!" Their local guide spoke up, " Last I checked, he had at least five boarders."
"Find out if any of them got out! Okay, let's get going!"
"Desiree. Get Faf and anybody he has free looking through the outbuildings. Somebody might have taken shelter in them when the quake hit."
"At once, Holy One."
Dragonoid muscle was already at work pulling aside wall stones and dragging away sod-covered roof sections. Soon human and dragon muscle joined them in the work of rescue.
"Okay, this is a mess….can we get some lights over here?! CAN WE GET SOME LI-oh, thank you, Owens…wait, how the hell are you doing that?"
"How am I doing what, Sarge?"
"The glowing thing with your eyes. Is it bioluminescence or something?"
"I have no idea of what you're talking about, sir."
"Your eyes! You got freakin' headlamp ey-you know, never mind. Just look where I tell you, okay? I'll ask your priestess about it later."
"Truly the Inner Light of the Holy One Shines Through!" Desiree noted.
' I said later, and ….That's not what I meant….okay, never mind that either. Owens, keep sniffing and keep staring."
"I still have no idea what you two are talking about."
"Probably safer for now that you don't."
It had been a hard twenty-four hours of constant work, clearing debris, listening for survivors, erecting emergency shelters, moving supplies. And moving aftershocked people where they needed to be. Rescuers had pushed themselves to their limits, fueled only by the occasional catnap, sandwich, or gulp of coffee.
Everybody had given it their all and it was beginning to show as fatigue took its toll.
Sergeant Malthus slumped by, looking for a place to sit down and rest for a moment when he noticed that even Owens was showing his fatigue; the golden dragon was slouched down, eyes glazed over, staring at nothing in particular, his tongue hanging out of one side of his mouth.
Malthus looked at the dragon, then looked around to see if anybody was nearby, then back again at Owens. Malthus then reached out and took hold of the end of the long tongue-
*CLICK*
*CLICK*
"Hah, thought so."
A couple of minor notes:
* "Battle Circus" is an actual 1953 film. Humphrey Bogart breaks rules, romances a nurse, and saves lives as an Army MASH Surgeon.
** It is reported that the soldier who came up with the steel "Flower Maces" did, indeed, present one to one of Pina's knights. The knight in question is reported to have smiled, made as to sniff the flower and then consented to dinner with the creative soldier.