Chapter Sixty-Nine: A Breaking of Hearts
TWs: Panic Attack, Yelling, and Trauma
Realizing Remus had been rendered speechless, his friend seemingly stunned into complete immobility, Sirius pulled out his want to light it, glad that after being unfortunately caught without it once tonight that he had it when he needed it now.
"W…ait…..," Remus choked out, sounding as if something was wrapped tight around his neck, which in Sirius' mind was even more of a reason to allow the wand light to fill the pitch blackness. As soon as the room brightened Remus' eyes stopped glowing and Sirius gaped at the blood on the walls and…...deep gauges in the wood...
"W….what is this place?" he asked once he found his voice, finding himself as stunned as Remus must be feeling.
Just then the sound of stomping feet caused both of them to shift slightly, witnessing James come rushing into the shack covered in dirt, since the idiot must have tripped, several times by the look of it, in his attempt to catch up to Sirius. At least James had more grace in the air because the boy with messy black hair looked like he might trip over his own feet.
Though….Sirius had to consider the haggardness of his friend might have very little to do with clumsiness and a whole hell of a lot more to do with where they were at.
"Dammit, Sirius I told you…." James began his brain taking a few minutes to catch him up to the fact they were no longer alone and that James had not caught up to Sirius before he reached Remus as his friend had obviously been hoping to. "...damn….." James finished slumping against the wall and sliding down to the ground before realizing the state of the building, and resting his face against his knees in response as if he wanted to hide himself from all of it.
"...damn…." he murmured again this time sounding as devastated as the rest of the people in the shack were, albeit for different reasons.
Sirius stood, back still slightly to Remus finding his eyes fixed on a rather large gash just above where James was sitting, a large slash across the wood looking almost like claw marks which had etched themselves into the shack.
"JAMES, HOW COULD YOU LET HIM COME HERE!"
The sudden, hysterical, and painfully loud shout caught both him and James by surprise and they jumped, Sirius turning back to face Remus who had never in the entirety of their years together yelled quite like that.
Sirius wasn't sure if he felt more like an intruder since it was abundantly clear how unwanted he was or like a moron since he knew he was still missing something. Remus glared at James tears streaming down his cheeks that now had smudges of blood on them as he had tried and failed to wipe the evidence of anguish off his face with his bleeding hands.
It all felt much more emotionally charged than Sirius had been expecting to deal with.
Sure he knew Remus would be upset….but there was upset and then there was….was Remus shaking violently in the corner of the room the fear and anger in his eyes making it seem like he had half a mind to hex James while his shout had made it seem like he expected Sirius to start hexing him.
But why? What was the big deal?
"I'm sorry mate….," James groaned, face buried in his knees again, sounding quite pitiful and shamed.
What was the big deal? Surely this was a bit embarrassing but Sirius didn't hold it against Remus. Hell in fact he'd very much like to join him.
"I…...both of you chill….it's not a big deal…...guys calm down…..," he stammered since the whole thing was making him a little nervous, his eyes looking away from James' hunched figure to the claw marks then back again finding it quite hard to look at the claw marks for some reason.
Two incredulous pairs of eyes bore into him and the hope and confusion that kept flashing through Remus' eyes made something in his chest ache.
"...so….so you have something…..of a rage room…..it's not like….it's not understandable..." he let out a slightly uncomfortable laugh because if James and Remus didn't start cheering up soon he'd start thinking he was way off base which there was no way he was because there was simply no other explanation for this.
Only at his reassurance Remus let out a broken whimper and sunk to the ground in a similar stance to James, both of them looking quite…..defeated…?
Sirius looked away from Remus unable to face the pain in his friend's eyes focusing briefly instead on the floor, on a particularly large bloodstain spread across it that made Sirius feel cold.
Honestly, they were both being a bunch of babies….. There was nothing wrong with smashing stuff and while he wished Remus didn't punch walls and cause himself to bleed a bit, it was understandable his friend needed this place after the abuse his own father put him through, most of which Sirius had to use his imagination to fill in but which always ended up being worse than the abuse that he experienced.
Especially since the chilling night, he had heard the brokenness of Remus' cries, similar to the muffled cries he was hearing now and trying to ignore since none of this made any sense.
Turning away from him he shifted to James hoping to find at least a semblance of sanity in his other friend. Only James wasn't crouched down anymore, he was on his feet the shock expressed in his slightly ajar mouth turning into anger as his friend clenched his teeth before yelling at Sirius in a way he found utterly uncalled for. He knew even if he pretended not to deserve James' anger that he often deserved it...to some extent.
But what was he doing wrong now? He couldn't think of anything that would lead to the pure frustration spilling from James.
"AHHHHHHHHHH! Just….just think about it for two fucking seconds Sirius! Use your damn brain!" James shouted, the words making Sirius feel stupid then angry then defensive then just cold.
There was something in between James' words, some truth he didn't want to hear. Some truth lost in the blood-soaked wood panels. Something threatening to be realized as his eyes flicked unwillingly once more to the deep claw marks….the uneasily large claw marks. But he wouldn't think such traitorous thoughts and he desperately searched for some other explanation...any other explanation.
He must have looked as panicked and pained as he felt since James' glare disappeared and he took a step forward as if preparing himself to catch Sirius.
"Sirius….."
"I don't understand….this doesn't make sense," Sirius muttered, aware that his slightly high-pitched tone might suggest differently. BUT HE WOULD NOT GO THERE!
"You can't possibly not understand…" James stated flatly with a sort of pity in his tone that Sirius did not at all like.
His back to Remus he shook his head in a nonverbal expression of denial, a denial that clouded his eyes, that he knew was clouding his judgment and intelligence, and at the moment that was fine with him. Because some things were worse than appearing to be an idiot in front of his best friends…..some things were much much worse.
"...doesn't…..make…..sen—"
"SIRIUS, I'M A WEREWOLF!"
If Sirius thought Remus had shouted louder than ever at his earlier statement, it was nothing compared to the raw tortured scream escaping his…..escaping Remus who he was quite glad to be facing away from only it made a chill crawl across his spine that seemed content to stay there for the rest of his life.
There was another heartbreaking sound from the corner behind him but he didn't turn around.
"...good one…..very funny….."
He could hardly hear his voice but knew it sounded unlike himself even if the concern on James' face quickly became exasperation.
"Sirius, he disappears once a month not on the same day but close to it. Why do you think that bloody is?" James asked with strained patience stressing every word as if expecting to physically pound the truth into Sirius' skull.
"...his dad makes him come home to be a bastard to him….." Sirius stated, with a sort of iron stubbornness born from the disbelief that kept threatening to give way to belief. But he wouldn't believe it, he couldn't!
"THE MOON you moron the moon!"
Those words sent Sirius' legs shaking and he found himself turning slightly no longer able to keep his back to Remus, wanting to leave wanting so very badly to leave and forget about all of this.
"Real funny guys…."
He knew his voice was high pitched and faint, knew he wasn't convincing them he really thought this was a joke with the tears burning clearly in his eyes.
"...you got me good….well done…."
Out of the corner of his eyes, Sirius glimpsed the sobbing collapsed heap in the corner that was Remus, hearing another broken sound coming from the heap. A rather inhuman keen that sent every hair on the back of his neck standing up.
"Sirius, this is just cruel of you. There's no way you really think this is a prank," James replied with a sort of inner strength and calm in the face of disaster that made Sirius want to shake him.
He glanced at James since it was better than looking at Remus who seemed to let out a broken muffled cry every time he began to speak. He thought he'd find sympathy in James' eyes or a sort of dark amusement, hell even disappointment or anger would have been better than the flat expectancy he found staring back at him.
"Well excuse me if I'm having a hard time accepting this" he heard himself shout, a shaky defensiveness taking him over completely, masking him to the damage he knew deep down he was causing his dear friend. He was still his friend...right?
He gestured at Remus as if James needed clarification on which 'he' could possibly be a monster...a werewolf... right under his nose? A...a dark creature he not only liked but loved like a brother…..?
No…..no no this was not happening!
"accepting...accepting the...he...the fact he's a monster!" he shouted in disgust, hearing the hatred in his own voice, a voice he hardly recognized anymore. He immediately slapped a hand over his mouth as Remus let out a gut-wrenching moan as if someone had just physically stabbed him. Tears started falling down Sirius as he battled himself, his desire never to hurt Remus losing against the incomparable all-consuming fear.
At Sirius' shout and Remus' sobs, James had gone a very ghostly pale color and tried to glare at Sirius, though the tears rolling down his cheeks seemed to make that quite hard.
"You should leave," James said flatly and the self-hatred Sirius was currently experiencing since he had sworn he'd hate whatever was causing Remus such pain…..and right now it was him…..exploded into a panic as he was forced to consider he may have just lost two of his closest friends.
"...this….this…..how am I supposed….no….I won't believe….believe it….I won't…..Remus is….is my friend…."
"He can fucking be both!" James shouted angrily and deep down Sirus knew James was only doing what Sirus had made James promise at an earlier simpler time, to take Remus' side if he did something stupid to hurt him again.
But Sirius also couldn't help but feel fear that things would never be the same and that fear had hardened itself into a pit of anger. This wasn't his fault! He couldn't be blamed for being upset and fearful, anyone in their right mind would be!
"I won't be friends with a monster!" he screamed knowing he was digging himself a pit, knowing he was hurting Remus, but finding it impossible to stop.
"He isn't one!"
It should have ended there, Sirius should have conceded the point. Replied that James was right because he knew he was, truly he did. If there was anyone that he would accept despite the fact they were….were a dark creature it would be Remus!
But it didn't end there because at that instance, through the tears blurring Sirus' vision, he swore the temperature dropped dramatically in the shack and despite knowing it wasn't possible, he suddenly felt he was back in the cramped closet in the basement, the sucking sound of a dementor threatening to steal his very soul.
"This sure as hell looks like a lair of some monster!"
Remus' sobs seemed to pull him away from Grimmauld Manner and back to the shack where he could almost hear the sound of his friend's heart ripping….because of him?
Because of his mother? Because Remus was a werewolf?
Because….because…..because….
"I won't accept this," Sirius declared trying to copy the calmness that had long ago left James' voice, only with him sounded more haughty as he tried to accept that this was reality and not the sickest nightmare he had ever had.
Only considering it was a nightmare made a hell of a lot more sense! He was being punished…..his friends were teaching him a lesson that was all.
"I've had enough….this is sick…...stop…..you can drop the pretense now…..I get it this is just to teach me how like my family I am, right? You won….so…..so...s…..stop pretending now."
James took several steps towards Sirius and as his arm flew out he was sure he was going to be smacked, only instead James gestured past him at the corner where Remus was still huddled on his hands and knees his head pressed against the floorboards as if he was wishing just as badly as Sirius was that this was a nightmare.
"Does that look like pretending? Sirius, look at him! What do you see? Sirius just look!" James commanded as Remus choked back another sob. Sirius didn't want to look back at the destruction he was causing but even though Sirius was older he found himself habitually obeying.
"That's…...that's Remus…..not…..not…"
"HE CAN BE BOTH!" James roared some spittle hitting Sirius in the face as James grabbed his shoulders and gave him a rough shake, his anger forcing Sirius' defensiveness to spike as the truth of the situation crashed down around him, pressing against his shoulders like a two-ton weight.
Sirius shook his head trying to pull away from James whose hands were probably contributing to the immense weight on his shoulders that he was feeling, though he also knew it was coming from the sheer weight of such a truth that he was only now beginning to grapple with.
The consequences of which were simply too horrible to comprehend.
"He's dangerous then…..how can he be here?... A monster shouldn't be…..be on the grounds…"
"Why I ought to….."
Sirius was only vaguely aware of James letting go of his shoulder to jab the tip of his wand roughly into Sirius' shoulder instead.
"James don't!" Remus stammered the volume and intensity of his voice earlier now a broken pitiful plea that, probably luckily for Sirius, James obeyed.
"I knew he'd be bad Remus, but not this bad! It's not acceptable!" James replied, though his wand had disappeared as quickly as possible and by the tears in his eyes Sirius wondered briefly if his friend really would have hurt him.
"He can't help it…."
"I don't care, you don't deserve this," James cried, his head falling onto Sirius' shoulder as if hoping Sirius would hug him back or apologize or something of equal compassion and intelligence.
Instead, he stood there stuttering like the utter imbecile he was.
"How can….can he be….a monster?" he asked himself, vaguely making the connection that everytime the word 'monster' had been uttered Remus had let out a choking dying sound that would normally make Sirius want to punch whatever caused such harm in the face. Well….he did very much want to punch himself in the face.
To somehow stop the damaging words leaking out of him, but it seemed beyond his control as instead everything seemed to shift in and out of focus.
"The only monster is you!" James snapped his clinging to Sirius turning into a well-deserved shove that sent Sirius staggering back. He opened his mouth intending to apologize, to beg forgiveness to these nightmarish versions of his friends to do whatever it took to leave this nightmare and wake up crying and screaming like he sometimes did.
He would wake up Remus since his friend was a very light sleeper and he'd comfort him and he'd explain to Remus what it had been about so Remus would laugh and convince him such a thing was utter rubbish. But before Sirius could apologize, before he could convince these apparitions to release him from this hellish scenario the room grew cold again, more completely than last time and he started chattering wanting to tell his friends to hide.
He stumbled turning this way and that trying to spot where the monster would come from, expecting it to swoop down upon him and drag him into an even worse reality, the helpless sinking feeling about ready to consume him as it always did... when he finally found the dementor flickering in and out of focus.
"Get away from me!" he shouted, falling backward and for the first time ever, the dementor which had been reaching its bony hand out to him shrunk back as if Sirius' words had some effect on it.
"...awa…away…." he chattered huddling himself into a ball vaguely aware that someone was calling his name before he blacked out completely the only sound in his ears the sound of his tortured screams as his cousin crucio'd him, forced to relive that excruciating memory over….and over….and over again any time one of those monsters got near him.