Chapter Seventy: Broken Pieces

TWs: Panic Attack, Yelling, and Trauma

James was beyond pissed with Sirius, although he had to admit the sanity of his friend had seemed to be deteriorating as the conversation continued.

If only he hadn't let Sirius follow Remus!

He should have put his foot down from the get-go since he had known it would be a bad idea. He had known it would be painful and messy but it had been such a relief to stop lying and to finally have it be out in the open….at least it had been until Sirius' words seemed to be literally killing Remus whose sobs made James want to cover his ears and scream for his mom to come and fix things because he was just a kid with no idea how to handle this.

"He's dangerous then…..how can he be here?... A monster shouldn't be…..be on the grounds…"

James had been trying to be patient with Sirius, trying to keep Remus' reminder in his head. That 'he didn't get it so he shouldn't judge Sirius on his fear'. Well, maybe not those exact words but close enough, the point was that while this was supposed to have happened differently, Remus had prepared James to be nice to Sirius during it even if Sirius seemed harsh.

But he could only take so much!

James could only take so much of Sirius echoing the words that James had in the past stupidly used to describe werewolves too, only following Sirius' example of cruelty. James was ashamed he had ever taken a part of and encouraged Sirius much.

"Why I ought to….." James snarled, finding the wand in his hand as if he was up against a Slytherin. But it wasn't a Slytherin in front of him, it was Sirius whose unfocused eyes seemed to hint he wasn't entirely present. But that wasn't an excuse! There was no excuse for Sirius to be causing Remus such pain.

"James don't!" Remus stammered his eyes boring into James', the long-ago dropped wand of Sirius leaving the shack in enough darkness that once again Remus' eyes were glowing. Seeing those eyes always made James feel…..apprehensive.

For a second James considered that maybe Sirius had a point…..maybe…..maybe a werewolf really was just…..

NO!

He mentally shook away the prejudice of the society he had grown up in which seemed to be whispering in his ears. But he knew the truth and believed in the truth and would NOT let Sirius get away with this. No matter how bad Sirius was hurting it didn't give him the right to hurt someone else!

"I knew he'd be bad Remus, but not this bad! It's not acceptable!" he tried to plead with Remus, though about what he wasn't sure. He knew he couldn't hurt Sirius, but silencio-ing him was becoming a more and more tempting possibility. But things couldn't be left here, he wasn't sure any of their friendships would survive if things were left how they were now. He wasn't sure if things ended like this if Remus would ever recover, not with the dark broken look currently in his somehow still gentle eyes.

"He can't help it….," Remus whispered, and watching his friend with such sadness but no anger in his eyes left James feeling distraught. Had he really been considering cursing Sirius? Even for a second? Honestly, if there was one person in this shack who was the least like a monster it was without a doubt Remus.

But he was treated like one by society, by his friend who had to be hurting Remus so much right now. And James was failing! He wasn't making this better. He had reassured Remus, had promised him things would turn out ok.

But he wasn't even helping his friends. With his stupid dreams of being a hero shattering to pieces, the tears he had been holding back, finally trickled down his cheeks.

"I don't care, you don't deserve this," James cried, his head falling onto Sirius' shoulder, wanting desperately for his friend to respond differently. He hoped somehow that his tears, his sadness could melt Sirius' heart in a way his anger hadn't. Because Remus really shouldn't have to put up with this. James should have reacted better from the get-go, should have held Sirius back even if it meant Sirius being pissed at him, should have kept lying to protect his friends but he hadn't.

He had failed…

"How can….can he be….a monster?"

Rage surged through James at Sirius' words even though he could detect no hatred, just a sort of broken confusion James himself had grappled with. But perhaps it was precisely because Sirius was reminding James about how poorly he had reacted at first too that he shoved Sirius, shouting at his friend about who exactly he thought the monster was.

He watched Sirius stumble expecting to find some satisfaction in the action but just feeling dread because he had no idea how to make this right. Sirius seemed farther away than ever, an almost crazed look appearing in his eyes and James gripped his wand prepared to silencio Sirius if he addressed Remus one more time since at this point he felt it could only get worse.

They weren't getting through to Sirius and while James wasn't about to give up on his friend, not by a longshot, he didn't want to argue around Remus whose mental state hadn't been good from the start. James realized Remus must somehow feel guilty about Davey which was so ridiculous but so very much like Remus that James' desire to protect his friend from more harm, even if that meant against Sirius, grew even bigger and ignited in him once more the hope he could fix this….one day.

Suddenly Sirius turned and James expected him to start sobbing, to crumple to the ground, and apologize since the sorrow on his face was so intense. Only instead of apologizing Sirius twisted around looking this way and that as if searching for something.

"What's wrong with him?" James asked the irritation in him at his friend bouncing once more to concern making him feel a bit dizzy at how back and forth he had been feeling throughout this relatively short conversation.

James didn't think Remus would respond...that he could respond since if it had been James in Remus' shoes he wouldn't want anything to do with either of them ever again….at least not for a while. Only Remus still didn't look angry, worse than that there was a sort of broken acceptance in his gaze that James did not at all like.

"I think…...he's having a…..um flashback….?" Remus stammered his voice hoarse, and no wonder with the sort of ear-splitting screams he had shouted earlier. James had no idea what a flashback was but figured Remus knew more about this than he did.

"Wh…..what do we do….?" he asked as Sirius spun again looking frantic and horrified. James winced wondering how on earth his friends were able to smile at all with the things they had been through. Remus struggled to his feet and James winced again at the blood covering his palms realizing Remus must have accidentally scraped them on the shattered wood pieces around him. He shouldn't have let Remus kneel in wood, he probably had splinters now, but at the moment James was a bit more concerned by Sirius who had stumbled back the fear in his eyes increasing.

Remus took a step forward looking very sad as Sirius turned his frightened gaze to him.

"Sirius….you're ok…..it can't hurt you here…," Remus whispered, reaching a hand out to Sirius with a sort of tentatively hopeful look on his face. James held his breath wondering that if Sirius could take Remus' hand and cry and be comforted by him that they could somehow find a way to move through this.

"Get away from me!" Sirius screamed, jolting back at the same time Remus did, looking like he had been struck. Any hope that was in Remus' eyes died and James didn't try to stop him as he bolted. He'd find Remus later and apologize, first, he had to knock some sense into Sirius.

"You're a sick s….."

"...awa….away…." Sirius mumbled still facing the corner Remus had been in and that's when James began to have an inkling of what a flashback might be. Flash….back? Unsure if he was right but knowing one way or another Sirius was seeing things he pondered what to do feeling lost, the words of anger he had been about to direct at his friend fading. Then Sirius collapsed flat against the floor twitching and James leaped forward shouting his name in alarm as he watched Sirius flail before going completely limp.

"SIRIUS! Shit Sirius, Sirius!" James called shaking his friend utterly horrified that when he pulled Sirius up to his ear he wouldn't hear any breathing. But he did hear breathing and concluded after much shaking that Sirius must have passed out.

With Remus gone and Sirius out cold, James curled in on himself, plugged his ears, and sobbed unashamedly for his mother to fix things because he had no idea how to...

…

Peter was very tired of running back and forth getting drinks for Marlene. But at least he was being a good date unlike Sirius, James, and Remus who had all ditched their dates.

At least they had gotten to dance with their dates though...Marlene always seemed busy when he tried to ask her. Still, she smiled and thanked him and complimented him on what a nice gentleman he was so while he was a bit put off at the end of the night he was doing alright. Until he realized his friends hadn't just ditched their dates but him as well.

Figuring they would be in the dorm probably laughing at how stupid Peter was for running to fetch drinks the whole evening he went back to his common room with a heavy heart. Luckily Dorcas and Lily seemed to be able to tell he was feeling down and invited him to a card game, the two of them having already been in the dorm when Peter returned late and informing him they hadn't seen his roommates.

But even Lilt and Dorcas grew tired and when Marlene slipped in half an hour later they followed her upstairs. Before leaving, Lily apologized that Marlene hadn't danced with him and asked him to tell Remus she'd like to talk to him more tomorrow which Peter quickly agreed to do. Lily was very nice, he wondered why Marlene couldn't be as nice.

Not wanting to be in the room all by himself, Peter watched the different people returning, old and young students alike before one couple stumbled into the common room arms entwined around each other as they snogged loudly made Peter quickly retreat upstairs.

Where he waited...and waited...and waited. As he sat there he began to realize that Sirius must have taken James and Remus to the boathouse without him. Even though Peter had gone to fetch the invisibility cloak and Sirius' wand for him, even though Peter thought Sirius had been just as excited to include him in the adventure as his other friends. Like always Peter was just too far behind them.

Eating a crumbled biscuit he had wrapped up in a napkin to save for lately he cried and felt sorry for himself imagining all the fun his other friends must be having without him, while he was miserable and alone.

Then the door opened and he jumped.

"You guys..." but he stopped the complaint abruptly, not finding James, Sirius, and Remus all coming back together in high spirits as they seemed to often be when he wasn't around. Instead, Remus was stumbling into the dorm and for a second Peter thought he was drunk before realizing he was crying so badly he couldn't walk straight.

"Remus!" he shouted, rushing over to help his friend who collapsed against him sobbing.

"I'm a monster...Peter...a monster..."

"Did they leave you out to Remus? Did you guys fight? What's wrong?" Peter asked, feeling nervous as Remus gripped him tightly and wailed. Remus, who he very rarely saw even tear up, who he knew Sirius and James had witnessed crying badly once but which at the time Peter also was left out of, was sobbing hysterically.

"You've got to breathe Remus," he explained in a shaky voice, slowly trying to calm Remus down as he often had to do with his little brother during thunderstorms. But Remus wasn't a little kid and Peter had no idea what was scaring him so bad or why he kept mumbling nonsense. What had Remus done? Perhaps Lily had actually been quite upset that her date had left her and now Remus was feeling really bad about it?

Peter patted Remus' back not succeeding in calming him down quickly as he was good at doing with his little brother.

"Whatever happened it will be ok Remus," he reassured him, "it's Christmas, we can play with one of the fizzing freezys without James and Sirius if you want? Or I can show you the new chocolate frog cards I got, one of them's really rare," he attempted but Remus' sobs were the only response he got.

Beginning to be really freaked out Peter offered to get a professor or for Remus to floo his dad because even though Peter knew Remus' dad wasn't the nicest he wasn't sure what else to suggest.

"I...need...to go...home..." Remus murmured and Peter felt bad for his friend wondering if someone else had died.

"You can talk to Dumbledore. I was talking to one of the Hufflepuff first years whose older sister was killed and she said she was able to leave from the headmaster's fireplace and go home."

For the first time since Peter's sincere attempts to help Remus he finally seemed to have his attention, the hitching broken cries stopping.

Then Remus, offering no explanation, staggered over to his bed grabbing his trunk and adding his neat pile of books on his desk to it.

"Remus, wait you need a password to get into the headmaster's office. Here I'll go get a prefect and they can help you," Peter quickly offered, desperately wanting an older student here to help.

"No...I...got one...," Remus whispered and Peter quickly went over and helped Remus latch his trunk since his friend's hands were shaking too badly too.

"Remus please don't leave. Whatever happened we can figure it out, as the Marauders right?" Peter offered his friend a nervous smile who didn't seem to see it. "How long will you be gone?" Peter asked, beginning to feel frantic.

"...thanks..." Remus muttered just now realizing Peter had successfully shut his trunk. Peter blinked back tears wishing James or Sirius were here since they were so much more capable at everything than he was.

"At least...here..." Peter shoved the other half of his crumbled biscuit at Remus realizing his friend would probably mock him for such a stupid useless gesture.

Instead, Remus blinked a few times then took it with a little smile that didn't seem at all happy but was flashed in response at Peter, all while fresh tears ran down Remus' cheek.

"Thank you, you're a good friend."

Peter wasn't sure what to do and offered to go with Remus but his friend shook his head. Not wanting to make matters worse Peter walked with Remus to the Fat Lady and offered once more to go with Remus or get a prefect or something. But Remus assured Peter he would be alright and Peter believed him because he wasn't sure what else to do and not believing Remus would be alright felt worse than when he had assumed he'd been left out of fun again.

"Please don't go Remus," he pleaded but he wasn't sure Remus heard him, or even saw him as the portrait swung shut leaving Remus on one side of the Fat Lady and Peter on the other feeling as if the distance between him and his friend was much much greater and hoping with all his heart that he would see Remus again.

...

Author's Note: Ok...so...so don't kill me, guys. Yes, this is the end of part 1 of year 2. However, you will not have to wait long for part 2 of year 2 to be posted! I won't leave you hanging longer than you need to. (Year 2 Part 2 is posted now under the series Mischief Managed. The title for Year 2 Part 2 is The Truth of the Tournament :D)

I want to thank all my amazing readers for not killing me for leaving you with a cliffhanger :P. Thank you also to all those who left comments and who liked and followed me and my story. I've had so much fun going through all the comments. I have some comments to respond to today but then I should be caught up :D. You all know how much I love seeing your reactions and thank you all so much for the really nice feedback. Also, an extra special thanks to those who spread the word about my story and those who caught any corrections that needed to be made.

I will be posting a bonus chapter or two on Patricia's pov next week and Part 2 Year 2 should begin next week as well... or at the very most the following week.

Also for anyone wondering if I've forgotten about the Triwizard Tournament, don't worry I have not forgotten and the visiting schools will be playing a bigger part in part 2 :D. Can't wait to see you all there 3