Chapter 75.

When he considered the hour appropriate, Cas went to a quiet archive room and called Sarah. "I wondered if one of you would call today." she said.

"I thought about going to you, but both Dean and Jules might read things into that which aren't there. I need to be here."

"Which should we discuss first, Dean or Jules?"

"Well, I can't really discuss Jules. I can only say that she and I shared a time of great openness and trust. She confided in me about things we have never talked about before."

"That sounds very good, Castiel."

"It was. I'd forgotten what it feels like to be trusted. Dean's suspicion ... it's not his fault, I know, but it still hurts like a deliberate attack. Sometimes, I feel as if he sees no distinction between me and that ... and Michael."

"I know that he does but I know that doesn't help you believe it."

"I am making it sound worse than it is." he said, "This morning, before it was light, I found Dean in the trees on top of the bunker. I know it was an effort for him, but he managed to talk to me as a friend."

"That's how he wants to be all the time."

"It felt good, Sarah, so good. For me, at that moment, everything was good."

"But not now?"

"There's still so much anger in him, an unquenchable rage, welling up constantly. For now, it's not aimed at me and I'm grateful, but that just means he's turning it all inward. He blames himself for everything and I know that isn't new, but the degree of his anger is. It scares me."

"That he's not turning it all on you is one less thing for him to feel guilty about."

"Believe me, there is no lack of guilt. Nothing seems to lessen it. Nothing seems to convince him that he is not corrupt and weak and ... and there's another thing that terrifies me."

"What is it, my dear?" said Sarah.

"The way he refers to himself now. I'm accustomed to most of the vile things he calls himself, most of the faults he can recite without thinking - most of which have never applied to him, but he called himself 'this vessel' like he no longer exists and he talks as if he no longer wants to."

"I wish I could say you have nothing to worry about, but those are grounds for concern."

"I want to ask Sam to return his angel blade to him."

"If he's likely to harm himself, is that wise?"

"Dean has an armoury at his disposal. If he wants to harm himself, he won't have a problem finding a weapon. With an angel blade, he might lash out at me, direct some of that anger at me, hopefully releasing it and relieving the pressure."

"You were just telling me how good it felt not to be the object of his anger." said Sarah. Her voice held so much love for him and for Dean. It was soothing to hear her speak and to know that she would listen with that same love.

"Yes, but that's me being selfish. I want him not to hate me. It's torture when he does, but he needs someone to hate and blame and perhaps punish that isn't him. He'll forgive me, in time. He can forgive everyone but himself."

"Over the years, he's had no shortage of people to hate. Has hating them ever diminshed the anger he feels for himself?"

"If you can think of anything that would, I'm eager to hear it." he said.

"Hatred distracts, but it can never heal."

"True." said Cas.

"All the progress he has made in ridding himself of the residue of Michael's spite has been made through his love of you and Sam."

"I thought it was more his hatred of Michael."

"No, not really. That can even be a problem. When he loses himself in the hatred, he gets angry and with Michael beyond his reach, it's easiest to turn it all on himself. The problem is, that's a very old and deeply ingrained pattern. It's so familiar to him it feels natural and instinctive."

"Yes, whenever he has some poison in his mind and nothing to kill, he swallows it." said Cas.

"We've talked a lot about his old and dangerous patterns of reaction, so he knows in his mind that it's a bad idea and he tries to move away from it, but just as you want to run whenever you feel out of your depth emotionally, Dean responds by punishing himself."

Cas knew that. He had seen it too many times, watching a moment of anger with nowhere to go turn into another reason for Dean to hate himself, another way to hurt himself.

During the far too few days when they had used the mind link, Dean had met two younger versions of himself. Cas remembered the blameless child, first of the versions of Dean to be a victim of demonic malice. His instinct had been to comfort and reassure the little boy, but Dean's had been to withdraw from him and hold him in contempt. Yet if a little Sam had come into that room, he would have been loving and kind.

"If these are lifelong patterns," he said, "Can we ever hope to see him change them?"

"For how many millions of years did you feel no compassion or empathy for individuals, Castiel?"

"Too many." he conceded.

"And here you are, a gentle father to a child that gets his compassion from you and a devoted brother to two men whose lives and happiness mean more to you than any commandment from Heaven."

"I still feel limited in that respect."

"Because, like Dean, you hold yourself to impossible standards. Jules sees the love in you and so do I. I wish I could hug you, my dear. I feel you very much need a hug."

He closed his eyes, imagining one of her warm, motherly hugs. When he opened his eyes again, he said, "Your faithful friendship has always been a blessing to me."

"And yours to me, Castiel. I will always be glad that it was my bee you followed." There was a moment of peaceful silence and then she said, "Dean can change. He is changing. He needs our encouragement and our patience."

Cas thought about the change in Dean as he had hugged his younger self, the look of pity and regret on his face, the apology for being so hard on the kid. That was the apology that mattered to Cas, that moment when he had finally been able to extend a little of the boundless compassion he had for Cas and Sam to include the little boy he had been.

He remembered too the teenage Dean, that time, the younger self reaching out to the older, offering forgiveness and validation. He wondered when Dean had lost that capacity to see good in himself and whether they could ever foster that in him again.

"Are you still there, Castiel?" said Sarah.

"If we save the world and lose Dean Winchester, we have failed utterly." he said.

"Yes, we have." she agreed, "And we don't fail, do we?"

"I fail all the time." he said sadly.

"Well, I don't and I will not be failing Dean or you."

"I should go." he said, "I appreciate your constant commitment to all of us."

"Do you feel better for having talked with me?"

"Always." he said.

"We're walking him home, Castiel and it's a long walk for him. Sometimes, he'll stumble. Sometimes, he'll run on ahead a little. Sometimes he'll be confused about the way. All we have to do is stick with him through all of it. We will all make it home."

"You make me believe it." he said.

"That's what friends are for." she said.