Chapter Seventy-Eight

What to Do

(Trigger Warnings here - Please be advised)

The ext morning, I woke up curled around Alistair like a damn cat. Fenris was already awake and entering the room with a tray that was filled with bowls of the soup from last night – Oooooh, yummy.

Sebastian was behind him – carrying a tray of drinks – and Hawke and Rain trailed in too. By now, they had all seen me naked, so there was no shame when I walked over to grab my robe and sit at the table to eat.

Fenris spoke first, "We should talk about your Avvar Mate."

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

"When do you plan to go to him?" Hawke asked.

I shrugged, "7 years, give or take. I don't know his name and didn't recognize him from the games, so he may not even be at Stone-Bear hold yet. If he was originally from Red-Lion Hold, then I would know for sure that he was there – because Red-Lion mostly died out during the Blight and the remaining ones will either join one that had been in Redcliffe who starts back up the Jaws of Hakkon, or the will migrate to find a new clan like Stone-Bear or Redhold. Or he could be the son or brother or something of a woman spirited away to Stone-Bear that followed after her. My point is… he may not even be there and I couldn't tell his age, so he may not even be of age at the moment. I won't force a vision now because forcing is usually just as painful – if not as punishing – as blocking the visions. So, unless I get another vision of him naturally then I won't know that it's safe to go find him."

Rain said, "So then… wait… Jaws of Hakkon – they always try to kill all the Lowlanders like Humans and such…"

I nodded, "It would be safest for me to seek out my mate now – but I don't even know if he's there or not. And what if I do seek him out and he's needed at the clan… I know I have unused Ley Lines connecting to mine – actually, I need to get someone to add another if I have a fifth primary mate. Moonstone buttons, I would think,"

"Focus, my love," Alistair chuckled.

"I am – if I get the moonstone set added to my Ley Lines, then I can go looking for my mate at Stone Bear, give him the mirror if I find him, and not disrupt the flow of time by bringing him home with me. I haven't met my fourth mate yet – so technically, I guess that's him and fire will come last – so I can use the room I set aside for my Fire mate for my Moon mate. I can have it decorated in traditional Avvar style so that he won't feel odd sleeping in a fancy room… I don't know… what do you all think I should do? I do want to go find him – I really want to, because… he's my mate, you know? But what if he's not ready or something… then I might… screw up the time and end up losing him forever?"

Fenris sighed, "You have a point. For now, just get the Mirrors refitted with an extra line. If you have another vision of him that tells you his name and age, then you can go to him."

I nodded, "That was a thought too… still, it doesn't stop me from longing to go to the Basin now… Alistair, can you contact Galaxia and put in a request to update the Ley Lines with another one – and tell her why. We may as well get the word out now that I have five primary mates. Son of a bitch, though – back when I thought I only had four and was only with Alistair, I believe I declared only wanting those four and not one more. The Goddess is laughing at me, I just know it."

Alistair snorted, "How do you think I feel? Look at it this way – with so many mates, we'll all likely get one night a week and you'll get one night alone; maybe two if things don't work out with Sebastian."

"I have a fucking Harem," I groaned.

Rain was sniggering, "This happens often – people will declare what they want, and they will either get more or less. The Goddess does not give us what we want but what we need. I'm actually surprised that two of your mates are human rather than one of every Thedasian race and creed. Avvar, Human, and Elf so far – your final mate may be Qunari or Dwarven."

I sighed, "If that's the case, it will be Qunari – since I am considered a noble among the Dwarves already. Fenris – how do you feel when I say this next line? I want to ride the iron bull."

Fenris hummed, "I suppose that simply means we know who your other mate is – I feel no jealousy of him."

I closed my eyes before grinning, "This is actually perfect! At least with Bull, he'll also be getting into Dorians' tailored robes, so I won't have to worry about keeping him interested. Now to find a way to get the rest of you…"

"No," was said in surround sound – Fenris, Sebastian and Alistair. I pouted, "But I thought Fenris was going to help me introduce Cullen to the pleasures of laying with another man?"

Fenris cursed, "Fenhedis Lasa, Ara – you have me by the balls."

"Honey, I won't force anything – don't do it if you don't want to… but do you really want his first male to be Bull?"

Fenris opened and shut his jaw 6 times before he finally said, "… You may have a point. I have been with the Bull before – and only survived that due to my unique abilities…"

I blinked and went red, "How big… I mean, I always wondered… but I already have a bit of trouble taking Alistair and he can match a Qunari…"

"Oh, it isn't the length – it's the width that might be a problem there. Bull is the same size as Alistair, but much thicker."

I bit my lip – well… now I wanted to try…

Alistair laughed, "That is the face you get when you tie me to bed, my love…"

Sebastian went red now. I think he might have been imagining me tying him to the bed, because he didn't even glance at the King.

There was a knock at the door – it was time to talk more with Fiona before we headed out. We were going to give her a ride to Montsimmard – Fenris would ride with Hawke and Rain, Fiona would ride with Alistair, and I would ride with Sebastian.

Arriving at Montsimmard caused more of a spectacle than arriving at Weisshaupt – because the Wardens had been expecting the Griffons to land, but the Tower was not.

At the moment, Madame Vivienne De Fer was already gone to Orlais… so I did not expect to see her here. She was 5'7 with lovely skin the shade of a Chestnut Brown that seemed to glow in the sunlight. Her eyes were a greenish brown, her make up – done in shades of purple – matched her skin tone flawlessly and she wore the latest Orlesian fashion.

I extended a hand at once, "Madame De Fer, the honor is mine."

She took my hand with a hum, "You do know how to dress – I admit, I didn't have much hope for a woman that does not have a circle in her home country…"

Subtle but obvious; I gave her a smile, "The Fae have no need for circles – our magic does not come from the Fade, after all. And at the moment, we have no mages at all in Danu, so there is really no point in having a compliment of Templars sit on their thumbs when there are circles that may need them here."

She hummed again, "And if mages do go to Danu, dear – then what?"

"Then I will have a small collage built – but the Divine has already given me permission to try things out my way, Madame – and if it doesn't work then I will relent and allow an actual circle in full. I think you might be forgetting your place, Darling. You are still just a mage, and I am an Empress."

She looked approvingly at me, "You're right, dear – how terribly rude of me."

"Now that the unpleasant part is over with – I do happen to have a gift for if I met with you… this Mother of Pearl mask is inlaid with opals and gold."

She looked surprised, "I see you know my tastes – they are not wrong about you being a seer. Power like that…"

"Should be limited – messing with the future can only bring more misery and loss of life than what was originally intended. It can only lead to misery and despair if you don't know what you're doing. Things will go as the gods intend no matter what you do – in fact, if you interfere, then perhaps everything will change but the thing you are trying to change. So no – I try not to fuck with the timelines too much. Some visions, I know I need to do something – like my most recent vision was of me with my fifth primary mate so perhaps I should go find him sooner? But I will not prevent most deaths that I see – I just need to know they happened."

Vivienne nodded, "Very good, darling – I approve."

"You won't be saying that when I let a Divine die."

She blinked, "Let… a Divine…"

"Well – more like she's going to shove me out of the way and end up taking the hit so that I can save the world and be the chosen one. I don't want to – but we all get dealt a hand we don't like – just make the best of your cards."

She swallowed and looked thoughtful, "Darling, you wouldn't be letting the Divine die if she was saving you. But I stand by what I said – I approve. No innocent life should be taken for one that was meant to die."

"Cool – this is Fiona; she's a senior Enchanter and former Warden. She was cured of the Taint somehow and is no longer welcome in Weisshaupt so they sent her here. I was on my way to drop off King Alistair back in Denerim anyway, so we made an extra stop. I'm sure you remember her – you were part of the Circle here at Montsimmard when she was recruited to the Wardens."

Vivienne looked at Fiona and they exchanged pleasantries before she turned back to me, "Darling… one question before you go. Is this what the Grey Wardens would do with all mages that left the order?"

"Once a Grey Warden, Always a Grey Warden – there is no leaving the Wardens… not usually. Fiona is a special case; she is… unjoined, so to speak. That hasn't happened before her so we can't know what will happen in the future. I believe the Wardens might do this, yes – but as the only one that they have under their thumb that has left their 'loving' embrace, this may be the only time that a circle mage comes back from the Wardens. I do hope you'll write or visit me in Kirkwall, Madame De Fer – I think we could be good friends when we aren't snapping at each other about mage issues. You could give a makeover to my pet apostate warden – feathers are so not in season and he just wears them on his shoulders like he's poor. I give him a very nice allowance too."

She looked sharply at me, "Apostate dear?"

"Well – he's actually a Warden that has no other duties that to follow me about like a guard puppy, so he's more like an apostate than a grey warden… Feathers, Vivienne… I feel personally offended by his style choices considering I actually have feathered wings."

She blinked and I could see her looking me over. I grinned and let my wings unfurl – I could hear the gasps of mages and Templars from the circle as they took in the semi-transparent gold and white wings.

She looked me over before circling me, "Darling… very well – I will make time to visit at some point and redress your… pet. Just tell me one thing – is someone keeping an eye on him?"

"I live with five Templars, Iron Lady – a Knight-Captain among those five; they all know that he hobos in the basement and comes out for food once in a while. Oh – and this is Hawke; he's another mage, but he has a Divine Pardon and great hair."

"The Hair is a given – and it looks natural," Vivienne commented. Hawke smirked, "Completely – why would I damage something this good with product when it looks fine the way it is?"

"Very good, Dear… but you need to work on your outfit too…"

Alistair subtly inched behind me – for fear this woman would try and nitpick at him next. She looked him over, "You must be the Dragon King I have heard so much about."

"Yes, I have Scales on my chest; no – I don't have them other places; yes, the eyes are natural; yes, my hair is natural too; no – I don't need a new outfit." Poor Alistair was wearing a brown Fairy Armor set that accentuated his new beard and showed his muscles so well.

She laughed, "Of course not, Darling – I hear you and two others were behind the latest trend sweeping Orlais; Kilts."

I sniggered, "So much for one year – it barely took one month for it to happen. Do they wear the kilts as intended, Vivienne?"

"Naturally – what is the point in a trend if it isn't followed properly, my dear? Though, of course, no one talks about it, but we all know the men are… wearing nothing more than the outfit needs to be appropriately adorned. I do like your dress, darling."

I was wearing a V-neck, asymmetrical satin evening gown in white with black lace on the bodice and hem. It was backless and halter-strapped – that's why I had no issue with my wings coming out. It was simple, but would hold up to social functions.

I chuckled, "This is just something I felt like wearing – and I do love a scandal when I know I can fix it later, but I'm not stupid enough to give Orlais ammunition against me. Thus, we arrived on Griffons and dressed to the nines – as any good Orlesian would."

She smiled, "Very good – you've certainly made an impression in bringing back an extinct species – and looking good while doing it is also a good impression. People will talk of this for weeks, Darling. And your dress might be the new height of womens' fashion."

I shrugged and waved my hand – donning a more… extravagant dress through glamour. It was floor length, white, ball-gown skirt, with diamonds beading the bodice all the way to the waist-line and several layers of white tulle making up the skirt; it was an off shoulder with 'cut-away' sleeves that didn't cling to my arms but left them free if I moved them – though the see-through white lace trailed down to my waist. I added transparent white gloves with delicate silk ribbons crisscrossing up the top from the wrist to my elbow. My hair was now cork-screw curled and in an elaborate up-do with pearls laced through the curls and a white silk bow holding it in place. A simple diamond necklace adorned my neck with matching earrings and bracelet.

I smiled at her, "You have seen only the simple works of my homelands – things that would cost silvers or maybe 2-3 sovereigns. This is considered something a woman might wear to her wedding and then… never again. You want to see extravagant – I could put Orlais to shame with the things from back home. This one is sort of sweet – you haven't even seen anything that would be considered chic."

She looked me over with an appreciative eye, "I see your point. I won't keep you, Dear – I must be getting back to court and I'm sure Fiona would like to settle in. I will come to Kirkwall in a few months' time – do you have the mages' measurements?"

I passed over a leaf of paper with Anders' measurements on it. She headed off – getting into a carriage that was as beautiful as it was extravagant.

I think I had impressed her – I hope I had. I was usually at odds with Viv in Inquisition due to her views, but she was pretty awesome. I mean… she liked that she was going to be a villain in one of Varrics' books and gave him pointers on it too.

Sera was right – Viv was a Bitch, but she knew it.

I kissed Fiona on either cheek and passed her a sending stone ring, "You're my mother-in-law, so don't hesitate to call if you need something – this gem in the center will contact Alistair on his ring, the one on the right will contact me and of course the one on the left will contact Fenris."

The band was silver, the three small gems were opals, and it was delicate looking – though it was reinforced with Earth 'Magic' so it wouldn't fall apart pretty much ever. Alistair, Fenris and I had the corresponding rings – all single gemstone – that could connect to Fiona.

She hugged me, "Thank you… you don't know…"

"I do know. I'm already a mother, Fiona; and I would do anything – give anything – to see Levi again or to protect him. So yes, I do know what this means to you; better than you would imagine. It's time for us to be heading home now – if you need anything… I don't care if all you need is a toothbrush; call one of us and we can get that to you."

She looked surprised but smiled anyway. I removed my glamour before getting back on the griffon with Fenris this time. He had also given her an awkward hug to keep up the ruse that he was her son.

Oh the Wardens hadn't wanted to believe it – they were positive that the child she managed to cart off from under their noses had been sired by a human since… they thought it was Duncan that she had been with. Apparently there had been a lot of secret meetings between Fiona and Duncan and they never thought that Maric would be interested in an Elf. In other words… they were wondering just who the hell the Father could have been.

Alistair had also given her a hug – citing that 'any family of Ara is family of mine'. The cute part about that was that he meant it. That meant that each time I took someone in as family, so did he. Hanan, Vaala, Aedan, Fergus, and anyone else I took in – all family to Alistair.

Fenris tucked me snugly against him during the Flight to Denerim – and I nodded off after less than 10 minutes after take-off.

Back in Kirkwall, we arrived to find that all my mirrors had been updated for the fifth mate; and Galaxias' mom – Bay – had even made a trip to Denerim to rig Alistairs' Mirror with the Moonstone Mirror Link.

Cullen… actually did seem a bit distressed about me having yet another mate. This made 6 if we counted Sebastian – Cullen did – since I was courting the Brother/Prince.

Varric had quipped, "You really are building quite the Harem for yourself Feathers."

I sighed, "I know… I would have been content at just four mates. Why can't anything be simple…?"

Cullen had seemed better at my lamenting about it – realizing that I didn't want more mates than necessary seemed to make him feel guilty for whatever hard feelings he'd had about it. I didn't think he should feel guilty – I could understand where he was coming from about it.

Regardless, from then on, I spent my time being as lazy as Fenris could make be. Sometimes, he tied me to the bed just so that I wouldn't leave it… tease.

But… unfortunately, something happened when I was just 5 months pregnant – and Alistair was over… as they say, the truth will always win out.

Alistair and I had both woken up very horny – and… we had been doing fantasy play.

Cullen walked in on me struggling and saying 'No' and…

I gasped as the cool air hit me and Alistair hit the wall. Cullen – thankfully having closed the door when he entered – shouted at Alistair, "What the fuck? Is this how you treat your wife, Alistair? The Chantry may not grant many Annulments but rape is certainly one thing they will allow one for!"

I scrambled to cover myself and – as tears streamed down my face – I whimpered, "C-Cullen…"

"Ara – Makers' Breath are you alright? Do not move, Alistair, or I will run you through and call it an accident. How could you; after everything she has already gone through you would do this? You… There is a special place in the Void for men like you – there must be. Ara, My Heart – are you… are you hurt?"

Woah… he went from roaring lion to cuddly concerned kitten looking from Alistair to me. He had knelt beside the bed – not touching me and simply looking like he wanted to protect me.

I bit my lip, "C-Cullen, I… you've misunderstood…"

"You were struggling – you said no; I heard it, Ara… just because the Fae mate for life doesn't mean you should have to put up with rape and… this could hurt you – hurt the baby…"

I flushed and wanted to cry, "Cullen… I'm a freak."

"No – this isn't your fault… not a muscle, Alistair." Cullen had his sword lowered, but facing Alistair and gripped in his hand.

Fenris entered, took one look at the scene and asked, "What is going on here?"

"I found the king… taking Ara… and she was unwilling." Cullen ground out.

Fenris looked at me, "Were you?"

I shook my head, "No – we were… we were playing. Cullen misunderstood."

"I saw you – heard you… Ara…" Cullen looked pained – thinking I was covering for Alistair – until Fenris said, "She isn't lying, Cullen. You know that, logically. You cannot reconcile what you saw with it, but you know she isn't lying. Ara has explained that she enjoys being tied up and such in bed. What she failed to mention to you is that she enjoys role-play; particularly, play about being unwilling. It is common to be into Kinks in Danu – but Aras' stem from her abuse. She was a slave for 15 years, Cullen – and with a memory like hers, she had to adapt to survive or she would have long been broken. Her body turned those experiences into pleasure so that she did not go insane. She likes it – and has a safe-word that truly means to stop. Unless you heard the word 'Crucio' then she was quite enjoying herself. She didn't want to tell you – because she can have fun without it for the most part."

"For… for the most part?" Cullen asked as his sword fell from his hand and he looked sick.

Alistair – wiping blood from his lip – answered, "She was raped as herself – so if she gets off without play, she sometimes has a panic attack mid-pleasure. If she's playing a role during sex – playing at being someone else in any capacity – she can really let go and enjoy herself without the panic. Sometimes, just playing 'King and Servant' or 'Templar and Mage' is enough. But this kind of play is… better for her. Her pleasure is more intense and freer."

Cullen shook his head, "That… how can anyone like… that?"

I flinched and heard the quiver in my voice, "It was 15 years of unwilling encounters – where 'no' meant 'harder'; 'stop' meant 'keep going' and where if I drew breath to scream they would cover my mouth and nose until I almost passed out. I 'learned' to like what was being done to me because if I didn't… I wouldn't be here Cullen. If I was here as the woman I would have been if I didn't adapt, I'd be a babbling mess and none of you would ever be in my bed no matter if you were my mates or not. I can't… I feel disgusted by the fact that getting off makes me panic – I feel ashamed that I like being dominated, taken and bound… but I… I do like it. I… I don't need it – like Alistair said, I can do just fine with plain, normal sex… and it won't hurt the baby – I've thoroughly taught Alistair how to tie me up and such in ways that are safe for while I'm pregnant… I've done this before… with Alex…"

Cullen was shaking and he stood. I was looking down. Fenris sighed, "We should have told him before…"

"I… I know but – I couldn't. I almost lost him once, I didn't want… well… life makes fools of us all," I sighed dejectedly.

Cullen walked from the room – slamming the door on his way out. I flinched – and that was when I felt the baby kick for the first time.

My hand went to my belly with wide eyes – just like Levi, the first kick was at the 20 week mark. I smiled in spite of myself and said, "He kicked!"

Alistair leapt to his feet to come over and place a hand on my belly. A small flutter where Alistairs' hand was reaffirmed my words and bliss lit up Alistairs' face, "Well – if Cullen slamming a door was all it took to get him to start kicking, then we should have done this last month!"

I gave a smile before wilting at the reminder that Cullen was sickened by me. A whimper left my throat, "I… is he leaving me again?"

Fenris frowned as he sat on the bed, making me lie down while he gently stroked my belly – little Duncan kicking along lightly in his path; very lightly – and for only about two minutes before all kicking ceased.

Fenris sighed, "If he is, then I will have to challenge him to a duel of honor; or Alistair will… maybe Sebastian. Better yet – let's take him to the Avvar Hold and tell them that he has disrespected the Lady of the Skies by rejecting her gift to him. That will throw him into a Trial of Hakkon at once."

I turned onto my side and cradled my belly with one hand while the other pillowed my head, "I don't want him to leave me… I can't do that again. Oh, Goddess, I can't do that again… I can't…"

I didn't realize my breathing had come faster and that my heartrate had skyrocketed. Alistair was rubbing my back as I sobbed and panicked while Fenris stood with a dark face and marched from the room.

I faintly heard yelling and crashing – but couldn't make any of it out while I cried into Alistairs' chest. Soon, Cullen was shoved into the room by a glowing Fenris who growled out, "Tell her."

"I… I wasn't disgusted by you, Ara – I was disgusted by… by your brothers; that they could do that to you. I wanted to find them and gut them – I am in no way upset, disgusted by, or leaving you. I needed to clear my head – to come to terms with this. This wasn't the best way to find out and I… I was going to go spar with my men so that I could work out my frustration at not being able to go after the scum that did that to you – the filth that made you feel like what you enjoy is dirty and tainted and filthy. I understand – I am just so angry that they could hurt you like that."

I was hiccupping and sniffling as my tears slowly subsided. Alistair hummed, "The babe kicked when you slammed the door."

Cullen looked confused for a second before wonder overtook his face, "Is that all it took? I should have done that sooner."

A weak laugh escaped me at that. Cullen stood slowly and came to sit on the side of the bed – his hand rested lightly on my belly as he sighed, "I'm sorry that my actions could have seemed like I was walking away again. At least Fenris recalled that someone was supposed to drag the one that was being an arse back by the ear."

I smiled up at him – and when Duncan kicked at Cullens' hand, he smiled brightly back.