Today is Valentine's Day, and that means... ships!

(Yes, I'm lonely, and that means I have to rely on other peoples' love. Shut up.)

I have SO MANY REVIEWS, and there's no way I'm able to respond to them all, so thank you!

And I'm very sorry for the unplanned hiatus, but I'll talk about that a bit more later. I've updated chapters one and two with a sort of introduction, so I would go check that out. And, well, welcome to the second part of LGBTQ+ headcanons!

Me: Welcome back!

Wylie: Ugh, I thought I was rid of you forever.

Me: Apparently not. Anyway, after reading through last chapter to refresh my memory, it seems as though we've left off on Tam. Ready?

Tam: *Sighs* Fine.

Linh: Similarly to how I'm headcanoned as a trans girl because of that whole identical thing, you could be a trans boy. A lot of the gay fandom likes that headcanon, it seems.

Tam: Makes sense. What else?

Keefe: You're headcanoned as gay and shipped with me.

Tam: I'm sorry, wHAT?

Sophie: I mean, come on, it makes sense! Your obsession with him goes way beyond heterosexuality.

Tam: I hate him! I don't have a crush on him!

Dex: Sure, sure. If people think I'm into Fitz because of how much I lo- hate! Hate! I said hate! Because of how much I hate him, then you also have to be shipped with Keefe. You liking Fitz is also a possibility, because of the whole liking brunettes thing.

Fitz: That does make sense. I mean, who else would it be? Biana?

Biana: Don't be ridiculous.

Tam: Aren't we literally dating?

Wylie: I don't think A. Fan's story timeline has any canonical couples anymore.

Me: To be perfectly honest, you're all just in a giant polycule at this point, and Wylie is on the side watching.

Wylie: Seems reasonable. Tam is also headcanoned as nonbinary, and with xe/xem pronouns.

Tam: I can kind of see that, but I'm not really a fan of xe/xem. Probably they/them if I wasn't using he/him.

Marella: A lot of the fandom also thinks Tam is ace.

Me: Demi Tam! Demi Tam! Demi Tam! Demi Tam!

Tam: Okay, okay. Chill.

Me: I'm fairly certain I had you give an entire rant on why love at first sight wasn't real, soooo...

Linh: Okay, makes sense. The demi flag is the same as the ace flag, so I can still dye his bangs the same way.

Tam: Do what now?

Me: Anyway, on to Fitz!

Keefe: Okay, hear me out: Aroace Fitz.

Fitz: Hmm.

Sophie: His thing for me did seem a bit forced (to many readers), almost like comphet. And I think the concept of cognates actually seems more like a queerplatonic relationship than a romantic thing. Like, it's about complete trust and working together, but there's nothing romantic in the agreement. How can this not be read as a metaphor?

Biana, teal eyes somehow morphing into the aro flag: And they were cognates.

Marella: Oh my mallowmelt, they were cognates.

Keefe: He's also headcanoned as gay, bi, pan, and a trans boy.

Linh: I don't know if the trans boy one makes sense, mostly because he presents as female the entire time, and I think Alden would probably be transphobic.

Me: DIVORCE ALDEN VACKER 2021! He's also anti-Semetic.

Biana: What?

Me: You can pry Jewish Vackers out of my cold, dead hands.

Fitz: But elves don't have reli-

Me: Cold. Dead. Hands.

Linh: Very cheerful. Anyway, on to Wylie!

Wylie: What?

Me: Okay, at first I thought Wylie might have been the token straight-

Wylie: The token straight? I'm already the token black guy for diversity.

Me: Smh, do better Shannon. Anyway, I thought that at first, but then I realized you were just a functional human (elvin?) being, which messed with my gaydar a little.

Linh: What does that have to do with anything?

Marella: It's well known that most LGBTQ+ people are just disaster human beings. Or elf.

Linh: I'm not a disaster.

Marella: Yeah, that's why I thought I had a hopeless crush on a straight girl.

Biana: You aren't that much of a diaster.

Dex: In Break The Rules, she almost set Linh on fire. Multiple times.

Biana: Fair.

Linh: Anyway, I kind of headcanon Wylie as aroace or hetero-ace.

Wylie: So kind of a token straight.

Tam: Yeah, but still LGBTQ+.

Wylie: That's fair.

Dex: He's also been headcanoned as a trans boy, or gay.

Linh: And as mentioned before, I kind of like the idea of us in a QPR. While allos can be in a QPR, it's more likely if he's ace.

Me: Excellent. Our next and final victim is Marella!

Marella: I think... I'm completely... and totally... one hundred percent... het- hetero- heterose- oh, I can't even keep a straight face for this!

Dex: Hehe. Puns.

Biana: You should be ashamed.

Marella: Never. Straight jokes are the best.

Me: Well said, Marella!

Fitz: Okay, we all know you're basically just projecting onto her at this point.

Me: Listen, she's a disastrous pyromaniacal lesbian. What was I supposed to do?

Fitz: Not project onto her. You're already doing enough of that with Jewish Vackers.

Me: Who gave you the right to call me out like that?

Wylie: You did. You're writing this.

Me: Oh yeah. Anyway, Marella is mainly headcanoned as sapphic in various ways, polyamorous, aromantic, and demisexual. Thoughts?

Dex: I mean, obviously she's polyamorous. Marella has two hands for two girls!

Linh: Biana and me?

Dex: Yep.

Wylie: What about Sophella? And Marina?

Marella: I have four hands for... wait, what?

Me: Octopus!Marella confirmed.

Wylie: Are you okay?

Me: No.

Dex: Anyway, either pansexual or lesbian works too.

Biana: I'm not sure about demi!Marella, since she either had a crush on me or Fitz at the beginning-

Marella: Yes.

Biana: -without really knowing either of us.

Marella: True.

Linh: Also, Marella loves flannels and girl in red.

Marella: You got me.

Me: And now we're going to go over some headcanons for characters who aren't here! Except I'm gonna yeet them over here just for their portion. Ready?

Everyone: No.

Me: YEET!

*Elwin appears*

Elwin: What did Sophie do this time.

Me: Nothi- *loud crash* Never mind. But anyway, we're not here to discuss Sophie! We're here to discuss how gay you are!

Elwin: Um, yes. Anything else?

Dex: You're nonbinary, right?

Elwin: Clearly. They/them.

Keefe: Cool. Can I call you Ren, then, instead of Dad?

Fitz: Wait, when did they adopt you?

Keefe: Unlocked.

Sophie: So instead of Dadwin, we have El-Ren?

Elwin: Sure. Can I go now? Prepare for Sophie's next disaster?

Biana: Makes sense. We'll see you soon!

*Elwin disappears, and is quickly replaced by Tiergan and Prentice*

Wylie: You two are gay.

Tiergan: Yes.

Prentice: Technically bi, but yes.

Tiergan: Any other obvious questions?

Me: Nope. Actually, yes. Can I come to your wedding?

Tiergan: Absolutely not.

Me: Fine. There is a wedding though, right?

Prentice: We're already unofficially married and we're waiting for the Lost Cities to legalize it.

Marella: Time for the gay revolution!

Biana: Sounds good to me!

*Tiergan and Prentice disappear. Now, the triplets*

Dex: One of you is genderqueer. I don't know which one of you, but it's definitely one of you.

Lex: Me.

Dex: Now I know which one of you.

Bex: I'm also bi.

Sophie: You know who you'd make a cute couple with? Amy.

Bex, blushing: I don't know what you're talking about.

Rex: Can we go back now? There's more mayhem to be caused.

*The triplets disappear. Our next victim is Oralie.*

Sophie, crossing her arms: Hi.

Oralie: Hi?

Biana: She's not straight.

Keefe: Oh, definitely not.

Oralie: No, I'm aroace.

Everyone: Knew it!

You, the reader: But what about Kenric?

Fitz: She became a councillor, which is probably a good indication that she didn't want to get married. Whenever Kenric asked about a romantic relationship, she acted uncomfortable, but they were still very close, possibly a QPR. It's also canonical that she got all five match lists early, as part of that whole "find the right person" thing.

Linh: She's also a trans girl. She said Sophie was the only way she'd ever have a daughter, but it's still a physical possibility she could have stepped down and had a family. Unless... she didn't have a functioning AFAB reproductive system.

Oralie: Yep. All correct.

Me: I've also seen bi Oralie floating around, but aroace!Oralie has stolen my heart.

Oralie: Great. Can I go now?

Sophie: Yeah, can she go now?

*Oralie disappears. Our final victims, Della and Livvy, appear.*

Fitz: Mom?

Della: I'm polysexual.

Livvy: And I'm gayyyyyyy!

Wylie: What about Alden?

Me: DIVORCE ALDEN VACKER 2021!

Della: I mean, yeah. We're divorced. He's generally awful, and also anti-Semetic.

Me: She gets it!

Tam: What about Quinlin?

Livvy: We divorced a while ago. He was my beard, but the Black Swan convinced me I didn't need one, and it was okay to be my gay lonely self. And I was my gay lonely self. Until I met Della.

Sophie: You two are clearly a thing, then?

Della: Yep.

Me: Yay! And now we can stop.

Wylie: Finally.

Me: Now, today is Valentine's Day-

Keefe: It's what?

Sophie: A human thing where we celebrate love.

Me: So I wish the entire polycule a very happy Valentine's Day. And to my readers, a very happy "Pretend To Be Romantic Day."

Yes, a very happy Pretend To Be Romantic Day to all of you.

Now, for the update schedule.

It's going to be nonexistent.

I'm not abandoning this story- I might do something when inspiration strikes me- but for the most part, updates will be very sporadic and irregular. This story is what made my entire fanfiction career, and it means the world to me, so I'm not going to abandon it. At the same time, there are a lot of parts about it I hate, and there was a time when even thinking about the story made me panic. It doesn't quite bring me the same sort of joy it used to. But it's fun sometimes, for a bit of nostalgia or when harder projects seem like too much, so I might reopen it from time to time.

Any reviews demanding more from me will be blocked and deleted. A request phrased like "hey, I miss this story, it'd be nice if you could do something for it at some point?" is alright, but something more like "UPDATE NOW OR ELSE" would stress me out, and reviews are supposed to make me happy.

I don't exist for my readers, and I'm not someone who's only purpose is to give you content. I have the right to do what makes me happy and what's best for me and my mental health. And if you don't respect that, I do not care how close we are, I will block you. (Guests will just be deleted.)

Just because I'm not updating this doesn't mean I'm done. I have so many other, much better stories- Break The Rules, Girls Like Girls, Swan Song (though that might be outdated now that Unlocked is out), and a book of writing advice. If you want to read things I write, instead of demanding things from here, you can go read some of that. The writing advice is still updated weekly.

I will miss this story on some level- which is why I might update still from time to time- but I do think this is the right decision for me. And I realize I'm acting this is like goodbye- it isn't. It's just a warning of frequent hiatuses and sporadic updates. And I hope you understand, and I hope I see you at least sometime soon.

Thanks for reading, my obedient servants.

A. Fan.