A/N: Cheesus Christmas. Thank you to the viewer in Argentina who appears to have read 79 chapters in one day. I'm sorry for that. Seriously, you're scaring me. Please don't kill yourself. Your eyes may just... or at least I know that MY eyes can't stand to... Take care of yourself, okay? I am simultaneously horrified and impressed.
*shudder* Aaaand back to your regularly scheduled cheerful programming! Thank you unknown viewer! Much appreciated.
And for everyone, here's another chapter with one of my least-known favorite characters. Seriously, that whole trio with Kakuzu, Kisame and Sasori is characters that I didn't relate to much in the show and didn't expect to like so much, but they've grown on me. I never expected them to be so absolutely awesome! They're just cool! I might not be having any success getting myself to watch a single episode of Naruto that I haven't seen already, but I might have more success getting myself to rewatch the beginning of Shippuden up until the end of the Hidan & Kakuzu arc. How did I miss this?
And the world's cutest shark, too. *heart*
Have fun!
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Samehada
Shadows had gathered by the time a certain excitable shark made his way up to the private campground where the Hatake clan kept their wolves and ninjutsu. The large furry she-wolf met him on her patrol. Samehada lolled his tongue out and chirped, and she let him pass.
Samehada made his way up the stairs onto the porch of the outer cabin where they had met the nice Wolf Person, and pushed himself upright to bump the door with his snout. While he waited for a human to respond, Samehada curled up on the porch and remembered all the nice people he had met here. The nice Wolf Person, of course, was in charge and made everyone else be nice. Samehada's tail waved back and forth at the thought of the Lizard People. Would he meet another one? All the Animal People were nice and good to go to.
But which of them would be able to talk to Human Cousin for Samehada?
Only now did it occur to Samehada to wonder why there were no other half-aquatic people. Why was Human Cousin the only half-shark? Did he have no family? Samehada chirred sadly. No wonder Human Cousin didn't feel like anyone else. Nobody else was a shark.
That was a problem for Samehada, too, because it meant that nobody was skilled at understanding shark language. There was only so much Samehada could convey with the land-based part of his body language. How could he talk to anybody if he couldn't swim? Samehada whined. If there was nobody else here that lived in the water, then how would he talk with any of them?
A dark shape that had left the porch earlier came back with a human in tow. Ruta. He gasped and hurried up onto the porch. "Hey, Same! Hi! Are you here to talk to someone, or…?"
Samehada warbled cheerfully. Curious Tiger Person's happiness was so obvious, so not hidden, that it made the air around him taste good and happy. Samehada licked the air and nuzzled Curious Tiger Person's shoulder. Yes. You.
"You want to talk with me?" Ruta guessed. Samehada nodded. "Oh. Okay." He sat down, facing out into the forest with his feet on the top step of the stairs. "Alright. What did you want to talk about?"
Samehada curled up very small and made a low, sad hum. Lonely.
"Oh…" Ruta softly laid a hand on his back next to his dorsal fin. "Sorry to hear that."
Samehada chirped in gratitude. Good yes good person. Curious Tiger Person did not swim, but might he understand shark language anyway? Samehada made cautiously hopeful sounds.
"Um…" Ruta narrowed his eyes. "There's a chance things could be better?" Samehada nodded. "That's good!" Ruta relaxed. "So you feel bad, but there's a chance it could be better. That's good to hear."
Samehada nudged his leg. Ruta opened his mouth, then paused. His eyes darted around like he saw many things on the porch around them. "Is that...why you're here? You need me to help?"
Samehada nodded.
"Help with what?" Ruta looked at Samehada closely, then around at the forest. "Kisame's not here. Does it have something to do with him?"
Samehada nodded. He curled up and whined Lonely again.
Ruta blinked. "I...don't know what is wrong," he admitted. "I have no idea what you two are like. I only met him once."
Samehada stayed curled. Yes, that was right. Curious Tiger Person barely knew Human Cousin at all, and Samehada even less. He might be very good at making connections, but he didn't have anything to make connections with! He probably could not talk to Human Cousin. Samehada sighed and waved his tail back and forth across the porch. His scales made soft scraping sounds on the wood.
"I'm sorry." Curious Tiger Person sounded sad, like he had failed at something. No, no. Samehada licked his cheek to reassure him that was not the case. Ruta sat still, accepting the cheek licking but not the reassurance. Samehada tried to nuzzle him, but that didn't work either. He tasted Curious Tiger Person's chakra. It tasted small and curled-up and distant, like Human Cousin's chakra when he was upset that one time. What was wrong? What had happened? Samehada remembered that the Animal People had done something that time to make Human Cousin upset, so it made sense. But nothing had happened to make Curious Tiger Person upset. Maybe he was doing that thing humans did where they made themselves upset. Samehada chirped curiously. He hadn't known Curious Tiger Person was the kind of human to do that.
Eventually, Ruta's whole body tensed. He looked up, his eyes sharpening. "That's it!" he whispered. "I have an idea!"
Curious Tiger Person likes ideas! Oh, that was it! He'd had the things he liked taken away because of not knowing what to say. Samehada lolled his tongue out. Curious Tiger Person was really okay, then. No badness here.
"I don't know what the two of you are like," Ruta repeated, "but you're here. How about you show me what you're like? I'd like to know you."
Samehada trilled and flapped his fins very fast. Curious Tiger Person wanted to be friends! Friends were good things. Like Harbi. It was nice to have someone to play with. Samehada picked up Ruta's hand in his mouth, gently, and led him off the porch into the forest.
Samehada paused at the spot where he had met the large she-wolf. Her chakra was still tastable. It was warm and thick.
Ruta's ears twitched as he saw Samehada lick at the ground. He grinned and bent down, lowering himself to all fours and sniffing. "Wolf. Is that what you're tasting?"
Samehada nodded. Ruta purred. He nudged forward with his head, as if to tell Same to take the lead. The shark traced a circle around the spot in order to find a direction. Once found, he set off, with Ruta following on all fours.
Despite being human, Curious Tiger Person was surprisingly graceful on all fours. It showed very much on uneven ground. Samehada watched him walk across parts of the forest floor with many little branches and not look at all uncomfortable. Samehada stopped following the trail in order to turn and nuzzle Curious Tiger Person's hands. He knew from the way the handlers wore gloves when dealing with sharks that they wore it because their hands were soft and were hurt by teeth. Human Cousin was different because he was large and a shark. Curious Tiger Person wasn't different, yet his hands were not hurt by branches. What was this?
Curious Tiger Person sat back on his legs and lifted a hand. Samehada licked the palm of it, picking up all kinds of little things that were pressing into Curious Tiger Person's palms. A few more careful licks, and he detected uneven chakra flow across his palm. So they were soft! How could Curious Tiger Person walk without gloves then?
Ruta chuckled. "Are you wondering why I'm on all fours? It's because I like to be. It's interesting, helps me smell my way around, and I don't normally have chances to, especially not with someone else. It's nice to do this with someone else. I think everybody just drops to the ground when they need to smell something, then get back up and walk normally. I haven't seen anyone else who likes to do this."
Samehada made worried sounds and nudged his palm. "What? No, it doesn't hurt. I think it's because of weight distribution." Samehada didn't even have his tongue out, but he still caught the way Ruta's chakra grew very happy all of a sudden. "You see, people are very heavy, and all that weight is being carried on just two little areas of skin. All the weight's directly above them, too, pressing down into the ground. So people have to wear shoes most of the time, especially on ground that has rocks or sticks on it, because their own weight presses their feet down onto things hard, and it hurts." Ruta leaned forward and stood on four legs again. "But when I do this, all my weight is on four legs, not two, and most of my weight isn't directly above them, but in the center. So my hands and feet aren't being pressed down so hard, which means that little things pressing into my palms don't cause pain." He raised an arm to gesture in circles. "I mean, they do a little, but not very much. I feel lighter because each limb has so much less weight and feels the ground so much less. When I'm on my feet, it's like they feel the ground too much. Woah! Pressing too hard! Even the smallest things are like sensory overload, and it's not comfortable."
Samehada made a low, broad, impressed rumble. He had never thought of that! Now that he was, it did seem like his tail had to do a lot more work when he balanced on his tail than when he was down on the ground on his belly. Yes, he could see that. So that was why humans had to wear shoes! Samehada had always thought that their hands and feet must be really delicate, because if they wore coverings to protect their soft skin and they wore coverings to protect themselves from the floor, it must mean that their skin was too soft to touch the grittiness of the floor. That would mean their skin was very, very soft, softer than any living thing should be. But if Curious Tiger Person was right, then their skin was really much sturdier than it seemed. Samehada had always wondered how people could do anything with such soft skin. This made a lot more sense.
"How many things do you need explained to you?!" Ruta said with a squeak of wonder. "I love talking. I will show you everything."
Samehada flopped up and down. Much yes good things yes good yes yes happy! He threw himself into Ruta's chest, knocking the man over. They fell against the ground laughing. Ruta was giggling and stroking Samehada's scales while the shark licked his face when, all of a sudden, he stopped. His chakra tensed. Wrongness? Ruta sighed and dropped his hands, lying prone on the forest floor. He looked very sad, but also something else. Guilt? Why?
"I haven't really done anything with it," Ruta confessed. His voice was disappointed again, as if he had failed. "Ever since I put together that document about the properties of chakra, I've kept it thinking I could maybe do something with it. I always think that. I always think I'm going to do something, and it's never true. I should just put it out there as it is. I'm not really going to make any changes. I don't know why I thought I would."
Samehada licked the tip of his chin. He had no idea what Curious Tiger Person was talking about, or why it was suddenly so different from what they'd been talking about before. It must be one of those really far connections humans sometimes made. It probably made sense somehow. It didn't matter if it made sense or not anyway, because it was making Curious Tiger Person sad and that was all Samehada needed to know about it.
"Thanks, Same." This time Ruta accepted the consolation. "Yeah, I guess it really hasn't hurt anyone by holding onto it for this long. Not like anyone was endangered by not knowing about chakra elements, or things like that. I can just give it out now and it'll all be fine."
Samehada nuzzled him and trilled happily.
"Um, that means I need to get up now. The document's on my laptop, which is back at the camp, and I don't actually have anyone's contact information so I'm going to need to go back, get my laptop, then go to your people's place to give it to them."
Samehada yelped and jumped off. Curious Tiger Person had something to give to the Red Cloud Humans? Was it a present?! Happy good Tiger Person good presents good yes! He followed Ruta back to camp (with Ruta on two legs this time), waited as the tiger man got his laptop, and then they both set off into the darkness of the night forest towards the hotel.
Kisame
This feels both familiar and not at the same time. It's eerie.
That was what Kisame thought as he settled himself next to the fire. It had been a while since he'd been alone at an all-human gathering. Of course it was fine if Samehada wanted to go out and explore without him; it was just something Kisame was no longer accustomed to.
That girl Sasori was friends with chose to sit next to him, as they were the first two to sit at the fire just yet. "Hi. Um, I think I've forgotten your name. Sorry."
"Kisame," he answered. "What's your name again?"
"Laurie." She chuckled. "I guess I don't know anybody besides Sasori and Deidara yet. I know them, I know Hidan, I know Kakuzu. Uh...That's everybody I know. I've forgotten who everyone else is."
"Lucky."
She looked up at him. "Really?"
Kisame shook his head. "I don't think I've forgotten anyone's names, since we were all there when Konan smashed our sense of reality to pieces. Kinda hard to forget people you've shared that with. You are lucky to not have that kind of bond with anyone here."
Laurie raised her hand. "No, no, that name fits. I remember it now," she said, thumping her fist down on her knee. "I do. It was there, in my memory. I was here for that meeting about the vampires, so… Some people's names just aren't leaping to my tongue, but I know them."
"Which meeting about the vampires?" Kisame asked.
Laurie stared. "There was more than one?"
"Yep." Kisame stared into the fire. He imagined that he probably looked like a grizzled veteran next to her. "One where we learned they existed, and another where our resident diplomats shared what they learned, which was horrifying."
"I think we talked about them at the meeting I was at," Laurie said. "So what happened at the other one, where you learned they existed?"
Kisame tried his best to tell her. That meeting had meandered all over; the only part he felt he was able to give the emphasis it deserved was the part where Kakuzu said, "Oh crap." That part was the sort of thing nobody could forget. Laurie might not be around often enough to know everybody's names for sure, but judging by the way she winced, she was around enough to know the important things. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal that she needed some reminders, after all.
By the time others came out and sat around the fire, Kisame was quite relaxed and enjoying himself around Laurie. She was alright to talk to. Sounds like a sweet kid doing the best she can in the middle of the friggin' impossible. Her harmlessness was doing wonders to defuse his normally relentless paranoia. But of course, as soon as Kisame thought that, his paranoia came roaring back, making her out to be a vastly greater threat than anybody else. Kisame couldn't help but wonder what she was really capable of. She had fought a demon with them, after all. She must be capable of more than the average person. Oh, fuck me! Can't I just have a nice, casual friendship with someone? Why the fuck do I have to get jumpy around everyone I meet?!
But there was no helping it. He could not relax around her any more. Kisame shook his head at her. "Can you go sit somewhere else?" he asked her. "It's because of another thing I have to deal with. Not your fault."
"I hope it gets better." Laurie looked sad to leave him as she got up and moved next to Deidara. Kisame sighed. As if I didn't have enough trouble around people…
"Excessive paranoia again?" Itachi asked in a whisper.
"I hate it," Kisame grumbled. If I ever meet Other Me, I swear I might just strangle the fucker.
"Where is Samehada?"
"Off exploring." Kisame nodded in Kakuzu's direction. "Hidan went to destress in a lake, too. That's why we've all got some more space tonight."
Yahiko held up a bag of campfire marshmallows. "Who wants marshmallows?"
Kisame volunteered to look for suitable sticks. Anything to be alone for a little while. But as he searched around in the dark, alone, away from prying eyes and questions and paranoia, he felt most unsoothed. He felt like a shaken bottle of something carbonated. Pressure of some kind was definitely building up. But where was the pressure coming from? What was wrong?
Kisame couldn't help but scowl as he handed out sticks. "Not having a good day today," he warned.
"Sorry to hear that," Yahiko said while spearing a marshmallow. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Kisame waited until he was seated again to answer. "Sure...why not."
"Is it because of something supernatural, or something ordinary?" Itachi asked.
Kisame choked on a surprise burst of laughter. It seized him for a few seconds, then was gone. He straightened and saw, no surprise there, everybody looking at him. "That question alone has a lot to do with it, actually.
"So it started at feeding time…" He described the female leopard shark's behavior, then her typical behavior for comparison, and described his own thoughts. "I couldn't believe I can think about these things so easily now."
"It's a sign of adaptation," Itachi reasoned. "Nothing to be worried about."
"Still can't believe it." Kisame shook his head. "And ever since then, I have this niggling sense that there's something about the situation that I know, but don't know. Something's important somehow but I don't know what it is."
Konan murmured, "Yes, that is annoying," while trying her best to spear a marshmallow the same way Nagato and Yahiko had theirs speared. "How does this part of you respond when I suggest that it may be because you already know why she was acting oddly?"
Kisame shifted uneasily. "That feels right. How did you guess it?"
Konan held her marshmallow out over the fire. Most of the other marshmallows were already browned. "It's the most likely cause of such a feeling. I've had it before, many times. One of the strongest pieces of advice that Jiraiya sensei forced into our ears, over and over again, was that we must always listen to that instinct. Shinobi often deal with complex situations, with parts that turn out to be connected in ways that aren't obvious. This instinct usually signifies that some part of you has detected such a hidden connection."
"Huh." Nagato took his marshmallow back from the fire. He didn't like them to get too soft and melted; he was the sort of person who would happily eat a marshmallow straight from the bag. "Jiraiya wasn't a ninja here, obviously, but that sounds like something he would say."
"Probably in reference to some woman," Yahiko added. "I can imagine it now. He'd say something like, 'Just go for it. Every woman is unique, so you can't approach them all the same way. Listen to your gut when it tells you what to say or do. Women admire a courteous man with good sense.' Or something like that."
The fire was silent as most of the people there took some time to remember who Jiraiya was. Kisame was glad when he finally did. Good. Let's talk about someone else for once. He looked at Konan first, and saw no warning signs. Still, he was cautious as he leaned forward and asked, "The guy who looked after you two, and your originals plus Konan in her world, right? What was he like?"
Konan stayed silent, turning to look at Nagato and Yahiko. Nagato decided to take the lead. "He was actually really smart, but you'd never know it. He acted silly a lot of the time. But he looked after us really well in all the ways that mattered. I felt important, looked after, valuable, and all those kinds of things with him. He let us move in with him unofficially after Chibi - our pet dog - died. We had arrangements to be cared for, but not very good ones, and they never really felt like a home to me…" Nagato trailed off sadly.
Yahiko picked up the story for him. "He was like a father to us. I'm not sure… But, uh, yeah. Do we have any photos of those frog costumes he dressed us in for Halloween?" Yahiko pulled his marshmallow back unconsciously, arms pulling in tight. He didn't so much as glance at anyone. Kisame couldn't be sure because of the firelight, but there might have been more color in his cheeks.
Konan tilted her head and Nagato looked confused. Clearly, not even they knew what Yahiko had stopped himself from saying. That meant everyone decided to ignore it. "I'm not sure," Nagato replied. "Maybe. I'll have to go back to my normal apartment and check."
"May I ask something?" Konan inquired softly.
Nagato settled into his most reassuring position. What could she be asking about so delicately? "Sure."
Konan took a sip of water before asking anything. Warning claxons went off in Kisame's head. She's acting delicate. Careful. That means she needs to be careful, like she's trying to soften a blow. Crap. He was very sure that whatever she was going to ask was not going to be a good thing. He regretted ever having brought up this topic.
"How long did he stay with you?" she asked.
Nagato tried to remember. "About three years, maybe? He really helped us through a lot, until we were old enough that legal circumstances changed, and we had different protections and arrangements, and I think something also happened in his life that he needed to deal with. A friend in trouble, I think."
"So it was unexpected?" Konan took a breath. "He did not intend to leave you?"
"No," Yahiko answered. He looked wounded by the very question. "He chose to look after us like we were his own. He never would've left us on our own deliberately. He wouldn't have abandoned us like that." Yahiko's breath started to shake.
Nagato put an arm over his shoulder. "Why do you ask?" His voice sounded like he was now realizing what Kisame had realized several minutes ago. Kisame was already braced, waiting for the hammer to fall.
For just a moment, Konan looked like she regretted starting this line of questioning, too. But it might have been a trick of the light. "He was from a different village than us," she recalled. "He only agreed to stay out of the goodness of his heart, feeling like he could not leave three homeless children to their deaths in a war-torn country, especially not after knowing that we were seeking strong ninjas to teach us how to be shinobi. He felt obliged to be the one to answer such a call. He only ever agreed to teach us how to defend ourselves, make us strong enough to survive. He provided a supportive place as part of our training, but he was not there to be any sort of family. He was always going to leave when we were strong enough. When he decided we were, I wasn't surprised."
Yahiko and Laurie both gasped, recoiling as if in pain. "What?!" Yahiko asked, his voice rising into a high-pitched whimper. "He left you just like that?!"
"Just because of...villages?" Laurie asked. "What does being from different places have to do with something like this?"
"Shinobi typically belong to villages," Konan told her. "I'm sure he would not have been able to stay with us if he had not already been a particularly renowned shinobi in his own village, able to get special permission."
"Permission?!" Yahiko shook his head as if to say no, he couldn't, wouldn't believe it. His jaw hung open. His marshmallow cooled, forgotten.
"To be outside the village not completing missions," Konan explained. Her brow wrinkled as if confused, wondering why anyone would need explanations.
"Like...like taking unplanned leave, hm?" Deidara asked.
"Yes."
"Oh, hm." Deidara shook his head at Nagato. "It's a job, hm. Like being deployed in the military. If you want to leave for some reason while you're deployed, there have to be rules and things, yeah."
"Being a ninja is a job?!" Yahiko's eyes welled up with tears. He looked like he'd been betrayed by his pet dog. "B-but…"
Konan's bottle of water fell to the ground. She paid no attention to the water leaking out of it as she turned to stare at him in complete bewilderment. It was the most obvious and clearly visible expression anyone had ever seen on her face while she was reasonable. "Of course it is. What else could being a ninja possibly be?"
Yahiko whipped his head around, sending his hair flying around his face. "The way you talk about it, it's like… It's a way of thinking. It's like an approach to the world. It's...it's like a whole way of life, even down to what we are, in our actual bodies." Yahiko shook his head. "Jobs aren't that. Jobs aren't life philosophies, or things you are literally all the time. They're not things you are at all! What?"
"You've mentioned that ninjas are military before," Nagato muttered. He was staring at the fire very intently, as if to draw strength from it. "So… It sounds like both. Like a ninja is a kind of person, and also a job description. The two are confusing."
Konan looked between the both of them. "What is a person except the role they play in others' lives? The two things you just said are not different. They are the same."
"What on earth?" Itachi's mouth hung open, too. "That is…"
"That makes no fucking sense," Kisame said. I'm probably going to regret getting involved, but I have to say something. "Jobs aren't lives! They are different. I'm not just that guy who sets up exhibits, fixes things, and feeds the sharks. That's not all I do. That's the most insulting thing I have ever heard!"
Konan shook her head just like Yahiko had before, as if to say no, that wasn't right. "That is not your real position, though. It is not what you are. It's something trivial. That is not really the role you play in your life."
"Exactly," Kisame growled. "It isn't! That's exactly what I'm saying."
"Those tasks are nothing like what it means to be a shinobi…"
"Not even the military is like what you're talking about, hm," Deidara added. "You sign up for the military. It doesn't have anything to do with personal views. It's just a job…"
The entire place around the fire descended into silence. It was the baffled silence of nobody knowing what to say to each other. It seemed that a giant gap had unexpectedly opened, dividing the group. Had they had different ideas of what being a ninja meant this whole time? The gap, huge as it was, had been invisible before. Thankfully, for some of them the gap was smaller than it was for others.
"Is your world several centuries behind ours?" Sasori asked, breaking the silence. "It used to be that way. There used to be no such thing as a workweek, no such thing as signing in or out. If you were a farmer, that was like a lifestyle, taking up heart and soul, and you were never not a farmer. Work used to be like that, used to be something you poured your life into. Is your world still mostly rural, small?"
Konan recovered some composure as she remembered something she had once been told. "Perhaps it is. There are only around half a million people in the world. Nagato tells me that in this world, there are billions?"
Jaws dropped open around the fire. Ideas of what kind of society their originals had lived in became disjointed, unclear. Kisame's mind was sent spinning. That's so few people. Like a single state's worth, if it's a really small or rural one. A single… "How did you have multiple countries?"
Konan retained her composure, though he could tell it took some effort. "The typical way. Lords, allied with ninja clans, looking after common people. Clans are not very large, nor are daimyo's retinues. Most of the land is farmed or wild. Settled areas are actually very far apart - shinobi typically establish camps as they travel, in the wilderness."
"Clans…?" Nagato worked his jaw up and down. His vehicle of thought was skidding. Eventually it found some small bit of traction, and he regained the ability to speak. "Your world is back in the days of extended families?"
"I have no idea how many centuries it has been since families were an influential political unit outside of royal courts," Itachi murmured before anyone could ask.
For no reason, no reason at all, fucking absurdly, Kisame felt all of a sudden like he had been doused with cold water. He also found himself thinking of his own family, or lack thereof. His thoughts completely changed continents, so that he found himself thinking, That'd be nice. To know people like me. To be part of, "Hey look it's one of those shark people," an established group. I don't even know what my name used to be…
"Do clans ever change names?" he wondered aloud.
Immediately, he realized what he'd said, and prepared for the entire group to look at him strangely. But instead they turned to Konan. What? They're… They're not interested in why I would ask that? Kisame felt like he had been granted an unexpected reprieve from the gods.
"If a clan splits, some branch of it would take a new name. If two clans merged...No, I suppose they would keep one name." Konan looked around at everyone. "Otherwise, no. Of course not."
"People change names all the time here," Itachi said. "There is no 'of course.' Any person at least 16 years old can do so for any reason. People move away from their birth families all the time, too. Is the splitting of a clan much different, more noteworthy, in your world?"
"Yeah. They move away from villages too." Whew. They're just taking it as another example of weird things about her world. I'm safe. Kisame leaned forward, tearing off half of his marshmallow for emphasis. "Villages are just places to live. Who ever heard of a place to live being a place you were shackled to for life?"
"No." Sasori shook his head. "That goes back to the subject of work. I don't ever really stop being an engineer, even if Dei says I should. I simply don't. But what that means is that I don't stop being an engineer here. When I am known here and the machines I fix, the people I fix them for, are here, it very much ties me to a location. You can't move around when you pour your life into something. That's partially why I took ownership of the shop."
"So we're not moving?" Laurie asked.
Sasori blinked at her. "No."
"That's kinda why I wanted to…" Laurie trailed off. She looked like she wasn't done talking, but she shut her mouth. "Nevermind."
"Congratulations," Kisame muttered. Seriously? Is the kind of job I have that important? He had never thought about the role of work in life before. As far as he was concerned, the state of his career was self-evident, just the normal way things were. He had a work life and a life-life. But the aquarium's also the only place I can be with sharks. I am a shark, so… In a roundabout way, had he wondered about this exact question before? I don't have a life like that, do I? I'm a shark all the time. I'm not only a shark for a few hours a day. Have I been treating myself like I am? How unfair is it to do that to myself?
Shit. I have a lot more thinking to do about the shark part of me, don't I? Kisame inwardly groaned. He'd been planning to address that part of his history. Eventually.
That was as good an opportunity as any to drop the topic for now. Konan ate her marshmallow slowly, planning what she would say when this topic was inevitably resurrected. So that was why this world had such a thing as defined work hours. She never would have dreamed of such a thing back home. The very foundational ideas of what it was to be a person were different in this world. That disturbed her, left her feeling bruised somewhere deep inside. But of course it did not show on her face.
Yahiko continued to look horrified, and the marshmallow did nothing to soothe him. As his passing the test showed, he was different from his original, at least a little. But his original still seemed very similar to him. So what could it have been like, having Jiraiya leave them all after being like a father to them for 3 years? Especially in comparison to his real father, Jiraiya had been really special. But Yahiko felt guilty just for thinking that. He couldn't believe he'd almost said something so personal aloud. Not even he and Nagato talked about their birth families, because it was rude. It was like their previous childhoods were to be kept safe, untarnished, in a secure vault where they could be mourned. Yahiko wondered why he'd even thought about his family then. Why bring them up now?
Sasori finished his marshmallow like everybody else was: in silence. Then he nudged Laurie and nodded to her. They got up and went inside, presumably to talk more about whatever questions she had about their future. Laurie looked back at the fire as she left. As much as it hurt not to have the power they did to deal with things and change their circumstances, Laurie had to admit that exercising such power was not easy. They all looked so troubled. She understood better now why Kisame would be envious of her.
The shark man in question was not feeling envious now. He was not feeling much of anything. He was locking up all the hard questions in a box tonight and chaining it shut. Nothing was going to unlock that box. Nothing more was going to happen to him tonight.
"Hey guys!"
Sproing. The sound of Ruta's voice undid all his efforts immediately. Kisame tightened his hands into fists. For the love of fuck's sake, I do not need anybody from that clan around! Whatever he was here for, Kisame did not want to hear it. He got up and walked away.
Ruta sat down in his place, looking after him. "Is it not a good time?" Samehada made all kinds of worried sounds while following Kisame. Human Cousin had been all tensed and curled in. That meant bad things.
Kisame heard just in time to hold the door open. Same… It was a mixed blessing to see his favorite shark again. On the one hand, Same was always comforting. On the other, how could Kisame ever talk about his thoughts with him? I need human company. Someone to think with.
That was why, for all of Samehada's efforts, Kisame said nothing as he retreated to his room. Samehada curled up on his bed and continued to quietly whimper. Kisame sighed as a wave of guilt washed over him. I hate today. I hate these questions, I hate Ruta, I hate Konan and her questions, and I think I have enough left over to hate the leopard shark for starting it all. I know she doesn't deserve it, but for fuck's sake… Kisame sat on the bed and patted Samehada. It wasn't very comforting.
He sat there, did that, and tried to settle himself for a while. He didn't have any idea how much time passed before he heard footsteps outside. "Ouch. You okay?" It was Hidan.
Kisame's eyes snapped open. I actually wouldn't mind an angry rant or twelve right now. If he doesn't like hearing it, oh well. Kisame opened the door quickly, grabbed Hidan by the cloak, and forcibly dragged him inside.
"I'm not having a good day," he belatedly warned.
Hidan regained his balance and did not fall. "Obviously!"
Kisame couldn't hold back enough to issue another warning. He launched directly into his rant. "So the first bad thing that happened today was with the leopard shark…" He went on to give an overly detailed recounting of everything that he had said before plus a much less detailed account of everything that had happened to him at the meeting. There were several important things that he left out just because they would not contribute to his anger, and he wanted to keep it going.
When he ran out of things to rant about, he growled. "I did not at any point ask to deal with all of this!"
Hidan rubbed his chin. "I'll take your word for it. Don't think you've actually mentioned everything." He looked aside, missing the glare Kisame shot him. "So about this lady shark."
Kisame sat on the bed tensely. "What."
Hidan held up one hand. "She's a lady shark." He held up the other hand. "You're a guy shark." He dropped both hands. "Maybe she was flirting with ya."
Samehada went very still. Kisame didn't notice. He was too busy staring blankly at Hidan. A full minute passed that way.
Hidan shrugged. "What's wrong with the idea? Is she bad-looking? Even that wouldn't be bad though… Is she pushy or something?"
"She's a shark," Kisame answered. He stood up. "You're right; I didn't mention everything. In addition to talking about how her world is even worse than we thought it was, Konan mentioned something about families. You might have noticed that I don't have one."
Hidan stayed quiet, though internally, he readied himself. He had a feeling he knew which general direction Kisame was going with this.
"There is nobody else like me," Kisame snapped. "No other shark people. As far as I know, I'm the only one. I had a family at some point, but they told me a total of jack and shit. It wasn't talked about. I don't have the slightest clue about sharks on my family tree. I only recently figured that there had to be at least one. I don't know anything about sharks. I don't know anything about being related to sharks or being one."
Hidan retreated into the wall. That was wise.
Kisame glared daggers at him. "So, no, I don't think of myself as a shark. Yeah, sure, I technically am one, but my life is all human. I don't actually do anything with my species. It's more like an interesting factoid than a real part of my identity."
He took a moment to breathe and feel a sense of loss. This emptiness would have swallowed up all his anger and deflated him like an old balloon had he dared acknowledge it before. Kisame knew that even though he had no prior experience with talking about his lack of identity. Stupid family. Dying before I could ask them anything. Better to think angry thoughts. Anger was vastly better than the word lonely.
Hidan's eyes misted over, both because of Kisame's feelings and because of his own. "Maybe it should be."
"I don't have the slightest fucking clue what to do with the shark part of me. Where would I even start?"
"With the other sharks at the aquarium, or someone there, or… Something!" Hidan shook his head. Lunging forward, he jabbed a finger into Kisame's chest. "Don't fuck this up!"
Kisame stepped back. What the hell? Before he could ask, Hidan went on. "You have a choice, dickass," Hidan said through clenched teeth. "You have one. I don't. Whatever happened in the part of my life that I don't remember was bad enough that I have to not remember it. Evidence suggests I had to leave all of it, my parents and where I was born and everything, leave it for my own safety. I can't look back. You can. You get to. You get the fucking privilege of looking back and finding out more and having a past and a family and shit. You do not get to fuck it up."
Hidan stepped back to wipe his eyes and face with his sleeve, leaving Kisame standing there stunned. He listened to Hidan's shaky breathing as he thought. I guess I can do research or something, find out more. If I want to be a shark, I can. But he can't remember his past for his own safety? How sad. How can he even rely on himself if a part of him is missing?
How can I even rely on myself if a part of me is missing?
Kisame liked to be on his own. He did. It was peaceful and untroubled, and he didn't have to do what anyone else believed he should, and he could easily live on his own strength, not needing anyone else for support.
To find out that his own strength was so compromised…
How can I even live if I don't know half of myself?
Kisame wondered where the shark part of him went when he wasn't paying attention to it. Did it stay behind at the aquarium?
Hidan winced. "Agh. Ow. That fucking hurts! Is that you or me?"
"Doesn't matter." Kisame straightened and began to move around before he could be forced to pay attention to the weight in his chest. He guided Hidan to the door. "I'll think about it," he promised. I keep promises.
Hidan turned to face him. "So, is that a yay or a nay on the nice lady shark?"
Kisame grimaced. "I'll figure that out when I don't have a mental wall separating me from real sharks. I can't even consider it."
Hidan nodded. "Sorry."
"Whatever." Kisame closed the door. I can't do it. I can't treat real sharks as if I'm one of them. I can't feel like I am. He went and sat down on the bed. "Sorry you had to hear that, Same." He scratched the good spot next to Samehada's dorsal fin. "I...can't really think of other sharks as if I'm one of them. I can't picture myself relating to them at all. The whole half of me I would do that with…" Is missing. "You're not an exception. You just happen to have a land-based half I can relate to." That gave him an idea. "I don't know; maybe I could try to swim with you or something. Try to be a shark with you."
He forced himself to his feet and turned the lights off. "Not now though. I'm tired. I'll think about what I am in the morning."
Samehada crawled up onto his chest again for the night. The shark made deep rumbling sounds, the sort that worked so well to help him relax. Kisame surprised himself by drifting off into sleep quickly.
Samehada stopped rumbling after he sensed that Kisame was asleep. He lay there, in the dark, listening to his favorite human breathe. If he understood correctly, Human Cousin didn't ask about things because he felt too human to. He would have to be a shark to want to know about them, to be interested at all. If he understood correctly, Human Cousin actually had not decided how he felt about certain things at all! Samehada had thought he just didn't like to, had decided to ignore it. But if he hadn't really decided anything…
Then there was still hope!
.
A/N: *sniff*