An Alliance For The Ages
"This is…" Jodie looked around the decorated conference room. There was a large bar full of foods and drinks. Music playing from the computer. A large banner saying WELCOME AIM! And another one saying WORLD DOMINATION CONFERENCE.
"Actually, pretty impressive," Jodie admitted. "For something that was just thrown together in ten minutes."
"Well we've had a lot of experience throwing parties together at the last minute," The Baroness admitted. "A lot of experience."
The Cobras and AIM scientists were talking and drinking in groups. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Well almost everyone.
"This is not exactly wise…" Destro remarked. He was standing next to Cobra Commander. MODOK and Gary and a few AIM scientists were there as well.
"This is Destro," Cobra Commander groaned. "My second in command and designated party pooper."
"Have you completely forgotten that AIM has tried to invade Cobra Island?" Destro asked.
"Oh that," MODOK waved. "It was just a simple scouting mission. That's it. A simple scouting mission that got a tiny bit out of hand. You know how subordinates love to do things on their own! Without any orders to do so."
"But you told us to…" An AIM scientist began.
"Shut up!" MODOK snapped at the scientist. "You know how it is Commander."
"Oh well," Cobra Commander waved. "No harm. No foul."
"Your robots killed five of our guys," Gary spoke up. "And your monsters ate like three of them."
"NO HARM! NO FOUL!" MODOK snapped. "Henchmen. Am I right?"
"Tell me about it," Cobra Commander agreed.
"I think I need to tell you something," Destro looked at Cobra Commander.
"Do you have to tell me now?" Cobra Commander asked. "Really?"
"Really," Destro said.
"Really?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Really," Destro deadpanned.
"Really?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Really," Destro repeated.
Dr. Monica and Jodie walked up to MODOK. "Perhaps we should have a word with MODOK as well?"
"Really?" MODOK asked.
"Really," Jodie said.
"Really," Dr. Monica added.
"Okay, I'm stopping this gag right now," Cobra Commander held up his hand. "Obviously both our subordinates want to complain about each other to us."
"I'm MODOK's wife," Jodie interrupted.
Destro and Cobra Commander did a double take. "Really?" They said as one.
"Really," MODOK smiled.
"Okay subordinates and one wife," Cobra Commander sighed. "We'll go to our respective corners so they can complain and come back here when they're done. Agreed?"
"Agreed," MODOK nodded.
They separated. Cobra Commander and Destro went to join the Crimson Twins and the Baroness. "What?" Cobra Commander hissed. "I'm networking here!"
"We have concerns," Xamot began.
"Over this proposed alliance," Tomax added.
"With MODOK and…" Xamot added.
"His underlings," Tomax added.
"Okay first of all Stereo Sound Twins," Cobra Commander told them. "Technically they're not all underlings."
"That one is MODOK's wife," Destro pointed to Jodie.
The Crimson Twins blinked. "Really?"
"Really," Cobra Commander nodded. "I don't get it either."
"Our concerns are what we might get if we make an alliance with AIM," The Baroness spoke up. "Like a knife in the back."
"Look," Cobra Commander hissed. "You want a damn army? AIM has a damn army! And some extra weapons and scientific advancements to boot!"
"But MODOK is an incompetent egotistical nutcase!" The Baroness told him. "Even more than you are!"
"I agree with the Baroness," Destro added.
"What a shock," Cobra Commander drawled.
Destro pressed on. "MODOK is the type of super villain even all the other super villains don't want to associate with!"
"Funny," Torch snickered. "That's the same thing people say about Cobra Commander."
"They do not!" Cobra Commander snapped.
On the other side of the room…
"He's an incompetent egotistical nutcase," Dr. Monica told MODOK. "Even more than you are. And that's a pretty high bar to jump over."
"He's the type of terrorist that even other terrorists don't want to associate with," Another AIM scientist said.
"Even more than you!" Dr. Monica added. "Which I didn't think was possible."
"Look!" MODOK snapped. "You said so yourself that AIM needs money and to make an alliance of some kind or else AIM will fall! That's what I'm doing! Cobra Commander is the type of ally we need!"
"Really?" Jodie asked.
"YES!" MODOK snapped.
"But these guys?" Gary asked. "I mean…"
"HA! HA! HA!" Torch whooped as he ran by. "Pass it! Pass it!"
A football threw through the air and he caught it. "YEAH!" He whooped as he ran. Several AIM scientists followed him and tried to tackle him.
"Don't really see where you're going with this, Gary," MODOK looked at him.
"TOUCHDOWN!" Torch whooped as he spiked the ball at the end of the room. The other Dreadnoks whooped with joy.
Meanwhile some other AIM scientists were sitting around with Blood Wing and Crystal Ball. "So the prostitute says to Jim," Crystal Ball was finishing a story. "See what you get for five dollars?" To this Blood Wing and the AIM Scientists laughed.
Some other AIM scientists were talking and drinking with Wild Weasel and a few other Cobra soldiers. Other AIM scientists were dancing to music. Some AIM scientists were having a darts competition with Firefly and Poison. One AIM scientist was passed out on the floor.
"Looks like Barney had one too many again," Gary remarked.
"Yeah," MODOK said. "We are not in any position to criticize other organizations' henchmen."
"At least they don't all dress the same," Jodie remarked.
"Shut up Destro!" Cobra Commander was heard. "We aren't in any position to criticize the troops of other organizations! Look at some of the winners we have!"
"FREIGHT TRAIN!" Tiffany squealed with joy as she knocked over several AIM scientists as she ran with a football.
"Whooo!" Some of the Clone Brothers were skateboarding around the room.
"So, spare me your concerns and warnings and lectures!" Cobra Commander shouted. "I am well aware of what I am getting into. And compared to what I already have, I don't see that much of a difference!"
MODOK was emboldened by this. "You think MODOK doesn't know what he's getting into? MODOK knows! But MODOK knows what he's doing and will succeed! Flaliurg is not in my vocabulary!"
"What?" Dr. Monica blinked.
"He deleted the word failure from his memory banks," Jodie explained.
"You're telling me it's literally not in his vocabulary?" Dr. Monica asked.
"Exactly!" MODOK said. "So, if you all don't mind, I am going to have a nice little chat with Cobra Commander. Leader to leader! Without interruptions or fabble-gabble!" He hovered over to Cobra Commander.
"Fabble-gabble?" Gary asked. "What's that word he deleted?"
"I think that one he just made up," Jodie blinked.
"Ugh, subordinates," MODOK groaned as he and Cobra Commander met alone in the middle of the room.
"Tell me about it," Cobra Commander groaned. "Always second guessing your decisions. As if they could do better!"
"Doubt it," MODOK scoffed.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "There is a reason you are in charge and they aren't!"
"And you can't get rid of half of them because they're slightly less moronic than all the other morons you have on your payroll," MODOK added.
"Exactly!" Cobra Commander agreed.
"Now have you made the occasional tiny mistake?" MODOK asked aloud.
"Of course! It happens!" Cobra Commander said. "But considering the fact that it's usually someone else's fault…"
"Like the Avengers," MODOK added.
"Or GI Joe…" Cobra Commander added.
"Or HYDRA…" MODOK added.
"Or some random moron who either works for you or wanders in off the street out of nowhere…" Cobra Commander added. "It's impossible to get it right every single time!"
"And I have a perfect computer memory and probability calculating powers!" MODOK added. "And things still go wrong!"
"It's Murphy's Law!" Cobra Commander added. "And if I ever find that Murphy moron I am going to execute him!"
"Shoot him," MODOK agreed.
"Out of a cannon," Cobra Commander added. "Into shark infested waters."
"You get it," MODOK looked at Cobra Commander.
"Of course, I get it!" Cobra Commander told him. "I've been living with it for decades! And people wonder why I drink."
"MODOK would drink but it's really not good for my processing circuits," MODOK explained. "Plus, you know? Mental blasts would go all over the place, killing the wrong people. Wrecking stuff you need."
"Really?"
"I had to rebuild an entire base and hire an entire squad after the last New Year's Eve party," MODOK told him. "That was not a good week."
"That's rough," Cobra Commander sympathized. "How do you deal with the looney tunes in your organization if you can't drink or kill them?"
"I do puzzles," MODOK admitted. "Crosswords, sudoku. My kids got me into this Candy Crush game. It's good but you have to pay for every stupid little thing."
"I know," Cobra Commander nodded. "That's how they get you!"
"Yeah and they call us evil geniuses," MODOK snorted.
"Seriously though I should have thought of that back in the 80's," Cobra Commander realized. "I mean my soldiers burned half their pay playing Pac Man and Donkey Kong."
"BUCKAWWW!"
A blue chicken strutted across the floor. "Where did you get a blue chicken?" MODOK asked.
"On our travels," Cobra Commander waved. "I could have sworn we got rid of that thing."
The chicken strutted across the room. Mindbender and Dr. Monica were now talking to each other. "Is that one of yours?" Dr. Monica asked.
"Oh no," Mindbender waved. "That's just a little something the Dreadnoks picked up in another dimension. I did study its DNA a little. Not that much different than our chickens."
"BUCKAWWW!" The blue chicken managed to jump and flap onto a table and started pecking at the chips.
"Honestly, I thought we got rid of the thing," Mindbender remarked. "Must have stowed away in the back of the spaceship somehow. You know how it is. So many genetic mutations and variants. So little time to catalog and dissect them."
"Like the giant goat?" Dr. Monica asked.
"That one was more of a lark," Mindbender shrugged. "Just having a little fun seeing what would happen."
"I think half of Europe saw what happened," Dr. Monica remarked. "I must admit that one was…intriguing."
"You should see some of the projects I'm actually serious about," Mindbender told her. "Once I move more stuff into my new lab on the island. That reminds me, I need to take some DNA samples of the creatures we left behind. See how they mutated etcetera."
"That sounds like a fun project," Dr. Monica remarked as she took a drink from a glass.
"It's always good to have a day out," Mindbender told her. "Get outside. Back to nature."
"See what you can change about nature," Dr. Monica mused. "Bend it to your will."
"Make nature faster, better, stronger…" Mindbender agreed. "However, in hindsight…Perhaps not so eager to eat human flesh?"
"That never ends well," Dr. Monica admitted. "It can really cut into your budget."
"Tell me about it," Mindbender sighed. "I've lost a lot of good assistants that way."
"Me too," Dr. Monica sighed. "You tell them over and over not to stand too close to the acid spewing experiments…"
"You even put signs up all over the place," Mindbender added.
"But do they follow that very simple safety protocol?" Dr. Monica groaned. "No, they don't!"
"Then OSHA gets on your ass," Mindbender added. "Like it's your fault you have idiots working for you!"
"Most of those assistants I didn't even want," Dr. Monica added. "They were just sent down there by MODOK against my wishes. Even though I keep asking him for competent personnel."
"Sometimes the Commander just sends a few down because he wants them dead," Mindbender shrugged. "I keep telling him, 'Okay that's fine. Just have a memo or something for the files to prove this wasn't completely my fault or something.' Is that so much to ask?"
"Ugh God forbid your boss thinks about what would make your life easier," Dr. Monica groaned.
"Hey do you want to go hunting DNA experiments with me sometime this week?" Mindbender asked. "I mean there's a lot out there and I could use a pair of fresh eyes for some input on what to do with it."
"Well this is an alliance," Dr. Monica admitted. "I admit my experiments could use a bit of fresh DNA. I think I'm starting to fall into a rut."
"Been there," Mindbender nodded. "May I get you some more punch?"
"Why not?" Dr. Monica finished her drink.
"BUCAWWWWW!"
"On second thought…" Dr. Monica blinked as the blue chicken swam in the punch bowl. "Maybe I'll just have a soda?"
"Good idea," Mindbender agreed.
Meanwhile Cobra Commander and MODOK had joined together with Jodie, Gary, Destro, the Baroness and Zartan.
"Seriously, didn't we get rid of the chicken?" Cobra Commander asked as he watched the bird in the bowl.
"No, Zartan is right here," The Baroness quipped. Zartan glared at her.
"This is more interesting," MODOK noticed Mindbender and Dr. Monica talking and getting along. "I don't think I've ever seen the Doctor have any conversation with any man that didn't include at least one insult or groin kick."
"You don't think…" Gary began.
"They're two insane scientists with massive egos and a penchant for creating mutations that God would shudder at," Cobra Commander told them. "Of course, they're going to hook up!"
"What?" MODOK, Jodie and Gary said at the same time.
"Apparently Mindbender has become a bit of a Romeo these past few years," Destro admitted.
"Seriously?" MODOK asked.
"Him?" Gary added.
"Hasn't even used any mind control drugs," Cobra Commander admitted. "We think. Unless you count alcohol and desperation."
"Seriously?" Gary asked.
"Wow," Jodie remarked. "Some women fall for some real weird types."
To this Destro, Cobra Commander, The Baroness and Zartan did a quiet double take at the same time. They looked at each other. Then all of them decided it was best to say nothing else.
"Come on MODOK," Cobra Commander waved. "We can hammer out the details of our alliance in my office. Wherever that is. I haven't found it yet."
"Same place where it was last time," Destro sighed. "Go to the upper level. Take a right. It's the room at the end of the hall."
"We already sent some scotch and other alcoholic beverages up there," The Baroness told him.
"Excellent," Cobra Commander grinned. "Come MODOK, we have an empire to forge."
"Oh FYI," Zartan spoke up. "Something died in the corner. We had it removed and put a ton of Lysol spray in the room. But it still has this odd smell like rotten burnt onions…Just a head's up."
"Wonderful," Cobra Commander sighed as he and MODOK left.
"Can't smell any worse than the vomit Dr. Monica's last experiment left behind in the hallway," MODOK admitted as they left the group alone.
After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence…
Jodie sighed. "Okay, just so we're all on the same page. We all know this alliance is going to blow up into a disaster, right?"
"Oh yeah," Zartan nodded.
"We know," The Baroness said at the same time.
"Pretty standard procedure by now," Destro sighed at the same time.
"Definitely," Gary added.
"Let's all agree to be professional about this," The Baroness suggested. "At least until we're at each other's throats."
"I don't have a problem with that," Gary admitted.
"Me either," Jodie nodded.
"Then we're all agreed," Destro nodded.
There was an awkward pause. "Okay I have to ask," Zartan looked at Jodie. "Are you a clone or a robot or…?"
"NO!" Jodie shouted.
"Okay, okay," Zartan held up his hands. "Calm down. You have to admit it's legitimate question. Do you take any weird pills or…?"
"Seriously?" Jodie glared at him.
"Seriously, Zartan," Destro scoffed.
"What did you expect?" The Baroness sniffed. "Expecting basic social skills from a Dreadnok is like expecting a coyote to be toilet trained!"
"Seriously?" Zartan glared at the two Cobras.
Meanwhile on the upper level…
"Seriously," MODOK told Cobra Commander as they walked through the hallway. "No mind control. No drugs. No cloning. Well we cloned the kids yeah. But nope. She's one hundred percent in love with the MODOK-Ster."
"Huh," Cobra Commander thought aloud.
"When we're alone I'm the Mental Organism Designed For Kissing," MODOK wiggled his eyebrows.
"Well that's a disturbing image," Crystal Ball could be heard.
"Why are you here?" Cobra Commander snapped as he turned around.
"I was bored and wanted to see what you guys were doing," Crystal Ball rolled behind them.
"So, he can move by himself?" MODOK asked.
"Apparently," Cobra Commander shrugged. "I admit this is new."
"I've done it before," Crystal Ball told him. "You were just too drunk to remember."
"Well it's pretty obnoxious for you to comment like that," Cobra Commander snapped. "Especially since you're just a giant head in a ball too. No offense MODOK."
"No, I get it," MODOK sighed. "MODOK isn't exactly traditionally handsome. One of my few flaws."
"You don't have to explain," Cobra Commander pointed to himself. "You think I wear this helmet because of the fashion? Oh, sure it's practical. And it's stylish. But I've been mutated more times than I care to think about."
Crystal Ball spoke up. "You people really want to talk about experiments that went terribly wrong? I think I've got both of you beat."
"I do not," MODOK blinked.
"Yeah don't get him started on that," Cobra Commander sighed.
"Does he have some kind of off switch?" MODOK asked.
"If only," Cobra Commander groaned. "Oh, here's my office…"
He opened the doors. "Now we can…" Cobra Commander paused. "Oh, Dear Gods of the Netherworld what the hell is that smell?"
"I think more than one thing died in here," MODOK winced. He did a double take. "Was that large hole always there?"
Cobra Commander noticed. "Oh right…Yes. That was put in shortly before we left. The Dreadnoks were playing The Hammer Game in here."
"What the hell is The Hammer Game?" MODOK asked.
"Dreadnoks throw large hammers at each other," Cobra Commander explained. "Torch threw one at Buzzer's head. He missed."
"Oh," MODOK winced. He saw a stain on the floor. "That must have been where the thing died."
"Actually, that was there before as well," Cobra Commander admitted. "I had an assistant once. He accidentally got in the middle of that same game. Torch's aim has never been good."
"Ah," MODOK looked around. "Did you have a plant in here?"
Cobra Commander looked on the wall which was covered in vines. "Okay that's new."
"You may want to hire someone to fix that," MODOK advised. "And the hole in the wall. And the blood stain. And that other blood stain over there. And the smell…"
"This place does need some renovations," Cobra Commander walked around too his desk. He lightly touched a chair behind it which collapsed into pieces. "And some new furniture."
"Maybe we should try another room?" Crystal Ball suggested. "One that isn't so depressing?"
"I'm with the talking marble here," MODOK agreed. "We should do this somewhere else."
"Yeah, this room doesn't exactly scream power deals," Cobra Commander remarked as he grabbed a bottle of scotch from a basket.
"This room screams decay and death," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Let's find something more appropriate," Cobra Commander waved as they left the room. "Let's try this office down the hallway."
Twenty seconds later…
"Well I'll give you this," MODOK looked around the office which was covered in plants and flowers. Several colorful birds were flying around. "It's cheerier."
"It's the Tiki Room on steroids," Crystal Ball remarked.
"How did all these plants and birds get in here?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Well," MODOK pointed. "I'm guessing the fact that there's no wall over there may have had something to do with it."
"Look it's been almost twenty years since I've been here," Cobra Commander defended. "And I fled the place during a battle. Obviously, there's going to be some renovation needed."
Some bird flew by. "As well as some pest control," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Your guys do that right?" Cobra Commander asked. "I mean you have people that fix up bases and take care of these things?"
"Oh yes," MODOK told him.
"Okay we'll put that in the agreement," Cobra Commander waved. "I mean I have a fortune I can't see why I shouldn't use some of it to fix up the place?"
"How much money are we talking about?" MODOK asked.
"We looted Olympus and a bunch of other places," Cobra Commander told him. "And what we don't have we can steal some more."
"Good enough for me," MODOK nodded. "But this room isn't."
"Let's try another room," Crystal Ball suggested.
Another few seconds and another office later…
They were looking at a large unexploded missile wedged firmly into the walls. "Well this is a safety hazard right here," MODOK remarked.
"We should go to another floor," Cobra Commander remarked. "Right after I call Destro and ask him who we have that's an expert on bomb removal."
A short time later…
"Well this is the least depressing office in the building," Cobra Commander sighed as he looked around an office covered in colorful graffiti. "But at least we can work here."
"We should definitely start with a clause on office renovation," Crystal Ball remarked. "And bomb removal."
A purple mouse skittered across the floor. "And pest control…" Cobra Commander sighed.
About an hour later…
"And that leads us to the last articles," Cobra Commander remarked as he wrote on a piece of paper. "In the event of complete and total world domination both Cobra and AIM will divide the world equally. Cobra gets Europe and Australia. AIM gets South America and Africa. Asia will be equally divided. North America will also be equally divided. Both Cobra and AIM will get 25 states each…"
"I want dibs on New Jersey," MODOK said.
"No problems there," Cobra Commander wrote it in. "Any USA territories and/or island nations will be given to lesser subordinates."
"I promised Gary he could have Bermuda," MODOK told him. "It was easier than giving him a raise."
Cobra Commander went on. "Cobra gets Mexico. Blood Wing will be happy about that. AIM gets Canada. Antarctica will be considered a neutral zone as well as a gulag for prisoners and a penguin sanctuary."
"We should consider mutating some penguins so that they can watch the prisoners," MODOK told him.
"Yeah that won't backfire at all," Crystal Ball quipped. He was also on the desk.
"Finally," Cobra Commander wrote. "Cobra has dibs on any prisoners connected to GI Joe. AIM has dibs on any Avengers. Both AIM and Cobra will equally torture any Hydra prisoners and participate in joint executions…"
"You can sell tickets to that one," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I know you're joking," MODOK said. "But trust me, a lot of people would pay to see Hydra get theirs."
"I'll write in an entertainment clause," Cobra Commander wrote. "And control of the fate of any other important or dangerous prisoners will be decided by either dibs or a game of either poker or Yahtzee. I'm going to add Tiddly Winks as well. Just in case for some reason a Dreadnok ends up in charge."
"I like Tiddly Winks," MODOK admitted. "Yeah put that in."
"Anything else you want to add for the Land of Delusion?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Yeah, a clause banning Donald Trump from Twitter," MODOK spoke up.
"Why?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Let's just say I have a bad feeling about it and leave it at that," MODOK sighed.
"Okay no problem," Cobra Commander wrote it in. "As long as we're banning things, can we ban people from making another Fantastic Four movie?"
"That's a good idea," MODOK nodded. "Also, no Lion King remake. That movie is perfect just the way it is."
"Well they can make new Lion King movies but with a different storyline, right?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yeah that's fine," MODOK nodded. "Just no remakes. In fact, put in a clause limiting remakes. Let's go for some originality in Hollywood for a change."
"Agreed," Cobra Commander nodded.
"Boy you guys really are delusional," Crystal Ball quipped.
MODOK added. "We should also make free cable and health care mandatory."
"In order to better control information and introduce mind control drugs into the public," Cobra Commander waved. "Duh. That should also include dental."
"To put tracking implants in people's teeth?" MODOK asked.
"That too," Cobra Commander admitted. "But dental health is an important part of good health. We should also look into putting fluoride back in the water supply. Keep those cavities down."
"But then how would we put in the trackers?" MODOK asked.
"Uh, this new thing called lying?" Cobra Commander looked at him. "Telling people they have a mild cavity when they don't."
"Oh," MODOK slapped his head with his tiny hand. "DUH!"
"Your words," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Also, we should have a plan of keeping drug costs low," Cobra Commander told him. "There are hundreds of other ways we can gouge the public. If we control lotteries and casinos, that's billions right there."
"Plus, we look like good guys if we do that," MODOK realized.
"Hey, you can never have too much good press," Cobra Commander nodded.
Crystal Ball added. "Not that you would ever know what that's like."
MODOK looked at Crystal Ball. "I'd like to add a clause that AIM will willingly and without any charge help you find a way to put a mute button on this guy."
"Thank you," Cobra Commander wrote that in. "It's nice to find someone considerate to talk to for a change!" He glared at Crystal Ball.
"Let me know how that works out for you," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I think that's everything," Cobra Commander nodded and signed the document. He handed the form to MODOK. "Do you need a clipboard or…?"
"No, this is easier," MODOK waved and telekinetically wrote his name on the document using a pen. "You know Cobra Commander, this might the beginning of a beautiful relationship."
"More like the beginning of a terrifying alliance," Cobra Commander hissed gleefully. "That the world will rue the day of!"
"MODOK likes that better," MODOK grinned. "That's good!"
"It's a gift," Cobra Commander shrugged as he took a drink. "Want to go for a ride in my spaceship?"
"That's not a euphemism is it?" MODOK blinked.
"Uh no," Cobra Commander looked at him. "I have an actual spaceship that can fly me pretty much anywhere."
"Coo!" MODOK said. "I'm in!"
"Me too!" Crystal Ball chirped. "What? I like to travel!"
"Might as well bring him," Cobra Commander admitted. "He's a pretty good backup in case the GPS breaks."
"And I'm not as much of a buzzkill as Destro," Crystal Ball added.
"Ugh don't remind me," Cobra Commander groaned. "Let's bring Blood Wing and Zartan. They're party guys. I'll get Mindbender too. He's useful. Plus, Zartan can fly the ship so we can drink."
"I'll bring Gary and a couple of my guys," MODOK said. "Why not?"
Words MODOK and the world would soon regret.