AN: I'm still alive! Sorry if I've caused anyone to worthy. I received from COVID and got thrown right back into work. It's been harder to find time to post, though I'm several chapters ahead writing wise. I'll try to post when I can, but know that I am doing okay and am healthy.
Thank you all for the support! It is very deeply appreciated!
Severus' eyebrow was raised to his hairline. While Sirius had given him several helpful hints on how to converse with Hermione, it was difficult to discern how one trip down to earth was going to grant him any new insights into Harry. Unless he had improved his spying significantly in the last twelve hours. Stranger miracles had happened...
"Okay, so first I need to tell you what I told him." Sirius approached the sofa.
"I thought you couldn't talk to Harry."
"They made an exception for me."
"Excuse me?"
"Yes," Sirius clasped his hands together. "I spoke with Harry in a dream."
"Why would anyone allow you to do that? You aren't allowed to be seen by anyone."
"St. Pete gave me permission. All I had to do was have selfless motives, which I did."
"And here I thought the Trinity was all knowing."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Sirius' glow was a dull red.
"It means you've been wanting to speak to Harry since the day this program began. How could your motives be anything other than wanting to see him to satisfy your own need to interact with your godson?" Severus asked.
"Glad you asked." Sirius' glow returned to its usual hue. "I decided that you needed some intel on how to speak to Harry. If I could hear Harry's concerns about speaking with you, I could relay them to her. Then, we could think of a game plan for your conversation."
"I know exactly how to speak with Harry."
"Just like you knew exactly how to speak with Hermione."
Severus bit his tongue, unwilling to concede his point.
"Now that I've spoken with Harry, I can give you some excellent advice on how to approach this conversation."
"By all means then, tell me, what is your amazing advice?"
"You need to approach him as a man who has your best interests in mind, not an obnoxious pest."
"Oh yes, my best interests," Severus drawled. "That's why he tried to institutionalize Hermione."
"In his defense." Sirius sat beside Severus. "It did look like she was talking to air. You can't blame him for being concerned with his best friend talking to a wall."
"He should have believed Hermione and trusted she wasn't crazy."
"If you were him, would you have believed her?" Sirius asked. "If you saw her locking herself in her house all day and talking to nothing, would you have believed she was seeing one of your heroes?"
"I am not a hero."
"That's debatable."
"I have no idea why. I'm no hero. The sooner everyone accepts that, the sooner we can all move on with our existences."
"Look." Sirius shook his head. "I'm not here to argue about your heroics or lack thereof. All I'm telling you is that you need to have a little compassion on Harry and the love he feels towards you and Hermione."
"What love has he shown towards me?" Severus asked as Sirius opened his mouth. "And don't talk about him clearing my name. That was misplaced guilt."
"Why is it so hard for you to believe that anyone other than Hermione genuinely cares for you?"
"I believe in your own twisted way you genuinely care for me, though that is in part because it's either care for me or be miserable."
"I thought we established we were friends."
"We are," Severus said, not quite believing the words coming out of his mouth. "Somehow we are."
"But…"
"But you and Hermione were brought to me by fate. Harry concocted someone in his head and confused that person with me. He's spent the better part of seven years defending him, not me."
"If you believe he's concocted someone in his head, let him see the real you."
Severus' glow flickered.
"Use this conversation to show him you are, and not the mask you've always shown him."
"I showed him who I was. I'm still his former professor, the one who tormented him for years."
"You are much more than a greasy git and you know it."
"You're aware of that nickname?"
"He might've told me it once." Sirius shrugged.
If Severus could've sighed he would have. Then again, what else did he expect? Knowing Sirius, he laughed at the monicker and wished he'd come up with it himself.
"Look," Sirius continued. "The point is that you are worth getting to know when you relax and are your sarcastic yet somehow enjoyable self."
Severus stared at him. In life, most Death Eaters had kept their distance from him. He was viewed as a figure aloof from any social gathering, save the revels and the parties Lucius dragged him to. Even during staff parties, Severus stood in a corner nursing his drink, only giving curt answers to those who attempted to speak to him. Everyone knew he loved his solitude. Until now, nobody had attempted to break it.
Now his former tormenter was saying he was an enjoyable presence without a hint of sarcasm.
What was the afterlife coming to?
"Is it my fault you don't think you're worthy of friends?" Sirius' voice was soft.
Severus returned his attention to the other spirit.
Sirius' glow was blue. "Am I the reason you don't think you're worth getting to know?"
"Don't be so arrogant." Severus wished he could've snorted. "You have little to do with my naturally charming personality."
"Maybe," Sirius paused. "But I didn't make things easy on you."
"That's putting it mildly."
"I went out of my way to make sure you were worthless and," his glow darkened as he bowed his head. "You began to believe me."
"You are giving yourself way too much credit." Severus' glow lessened. "I was told I was nothing before I even received my Hogwarts letter. You didn't put that idea in my head."
"But I went out of my way to reinforce that belief. I told you that you were worthless, and then mocked you for being a pureblood supremacist, never once thinking that if I'd been a little kinder to you, then maybe you wouldn't have felt the need to gain the approval of those future Death Eaters. Merlin knew with me around the Gryffindors weren't going to accept you. Who else did you have to turn to other than your fellow Slytherins?"
If Sirius was expecting an answer or a counterargument, he would be sorely disappointed.
"I helped create the hell your life became, and instead of doing anything about it, I mocked you for making the best of a shit situation."
"You did, but," Severus began. "I forgave you."
"I know, but I never said the words."
"What words?"
"I'm sorry."
Severus' glow went white.
"I'm sorry for being a bully and a despicable human being towards you. I'm sorry for helping to convince you that you weren't worthy of anyone's affections. I'm sorry I told you nobody would love you. More than anything though." Sirius looked at him. "I'm sorry I drove you towards the Death Eaters, then looked down on you for trying to find acceptance."
The black clad spirit continued to stare at him. A thousand words raced around his essence, but none of them seemed adequate.
"I could tell you that you need to look upon Harry as a man and that you shouldn't demonize him, but that isn't what you need to hear. You need to hear that you're worth defending." If Severus wasn't a spirit he wouldn't have been able to hear Sirius' next words. "You need to be told that you are worthy of friendship and accepting someone's love."
Silence reigned for what may have been moments or hours. In the afterlife, it was difficult to tell.
"Anyway, that's my advice," Sirius said. "Don't be afraid to accept friendship and love. You deserve it."
"It's excellent advice."
Sirius' glow flickered.
"As I mentioned before." Severus put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "I forgive you for everything."
"You do?"
"Yes."
Sirius cracked a smile.
"The reality is I am responsible for my own choices, not you." Severus continued. "Perhaps you reinforced some of my darker thoughts, but it was my responsibility to fight them and accept my own holiness."
"Holiness?"
"Indeed."
Sirius cocked his head.
"I don't understand it fully either, but Dismas seems to think it applies to all people. Apparently all people participate in love, and this makes them holy."
"That's, uh interesting." Sirius bit his lower lip.
"It's a concept I do not fully understand. Still, I've begun to use his terminology, if only because in situations like this it seems appropriate."
"We've been in Purgatory too long if we're quoting saints on holiness," Sirius mused aloud.
"Indeed," Severus said. "I find myself no longer embittered towards you."
"Which I appreciate." Sirius' glow was yellow.
"Yes, but it shows how long I've been here. If I'm no longer bitter towards you, the only emotion left is a tolerance, perhaps even a liking. If I were to feel that, then I'd be ruined."
"Indeed you would be." Sirius chuckled.
"It's for the best though. There's no reason to be bitter anymore. The houses, the Wizarding World, magic, none of it matters up here anymore."
"It's kinda liberating, isn't it?"
"Very much so." Severus' glow brightened.
A more comfortable silence fell between them.
"Do you want to spend some time with Hermione before meeting with Harry?" Sirius asked. "Just to do whatever things you two do alone."
"We won't have time to do the things I like to do when it's just us." There was a gleam in Severus' eyes.
"Ooh la la." Sirius grinned.
"Still, it may be nice to check in with her, if only to help her bake her cookies."
"You're making cookies?"
"Yes," Severus said. "We're going to give Harry some of Draco's favorite sugar cookies."
"I wish I could try some."
"I wish you could too."
"Perhaps they'll let us taste things in heaven sometime. They have wine and can bring up tequila, so there has to be some way of tasting things, correct?"
"I would imagine so." Severus stood.
"Good luck," Sirius sat up straighter. "Not that you'll need it, but I'll be pulling for you up here, saying a couple of prayers."
"I appreciate it. Also," Severus' glow was a warm yellow. "Thank you for the apology."
"I hope you liked it. It's the only one you'll get." There was a playfulness in Sirius' expression that Severus had learned to take comfort in.
"I wouldn't expect anything else." Severus replied.
With that, Severus teleported to Hermione's house, knowing he was worthy of a reconciliation with Harry.