"I'm here to kill you."
"Ah," Albus replied lightly, raising a white bushy eyebrow at her. "I thought that's why you might be here."
"No you didn't!" she snapped angrily, rage coursing through her veins as she struggled to keep her wand hand steady, to maintain the tip aimed directly between his infuriating eyes. "I didn't even know myself until I got here!"
She was sick of his fake air of omniscience; he didn't know anything!
"Well, I can't say I haven't been expecting it," he replied softly, seemingly unfazed.
"Is that right?" she sneered, looking him up and down as though he was nothing. "Know you deserve it? Is that why?"
"Oh, whether I deserve for you to murder me or not is decidedly not the question. I do, however, know that you are in love."
"You know nothing of love," she spat, stepping a few inches closer and shutting the door behind her with a thought from her mind. It clicked ominously and made her feel stronger. Yes, he was locked in with her and there was nothing he could do about it. "How dare you pretend you understand that sentiment. The only things you have ever known are bitterness and ambition."
Albus bowed his head in a conceding manner, although he did not take his eyes off her wand. "I will admit that ambition once was my greatest weakness, but I do know love, Serena… I have cared for you like a daughter-"
"And I trusted you!" she shouted now. "You walked me down the aisle! I came to you when I needed help and you made me think you cared! You've never cared about anyone but yourself! Severus has done everything, everything, you have asked of him and he has not once put himself first! But I won't let him do this! I won't let him shatter his soul for you, not again! I am going to kill you tonight, I am! There is no other choice!"
"There is always a choice, child."
"I'm not your fucking child," she spat at him, inching closer once more. The anger and pain that pulsed in her heart kept her going. She had never been so determined in her life, never been so sure, and yet there was something, something stopping her from just shouting the curse and getting it over with.
"For me you are," he said softly. "Just as Severus is."
"Don't you talk about Severus like you give a damn."
"But I do… So very much. I have trusted Severus with my deepest secrets. Only Severus will be able to win us this war. Only Severus can defeat this darkness."
"Severus is being consumed by his own darkness because of you. You have pushed him too far-"
"I have done what is necessary," Albus interrupted in a sharp voice. "And I will always do what is necessary to defeat Lord Voldemort."
She shivered at the use of his name and brought up her left hand to steady her right. She was getting side-tracked.
"So, you're right, there is a choice," she said firmly. "You have two, even. Either, I murder you, here, whilst you sit in your pyjamas behind your desk. Severus can tell the Dark Lord he imperiused me to do it. I don't go to Azkaban, his position gets strengthened. Win, win situation, as they say. Or, you can bravely stand up, walk over to your pretty window over there and jump from it. I'll even let you write a note, if you like."
Albus raised both eyebrows this time.
"I prefer the third option. Won't you have a drink with me? Although I dare say you've had enough tonight, but well, I'm sure an extra tipple won't hurt."
She watched, glaring as he pulled out a bottle of mead from under his desk and conjured two glasses.
"I'd rather choke that share a drink with you."
He ignored her and poured himself a large glass. "Your health," he said quietly, holding it up to her before taking a sip.
She didn't know what to do, the situation was quickly sliding out of control and she didn't know how to handle it anymore.
"Savour it," she said coldly. "It will be your last."
"So you keep saying," he said calmly. "Knowing Severus, as you do, how do you think he will take it when he hears you have murdered me? When he knows that you tore apart your soul to save his? Do you think he will be proud? Or will it damage him even further to know that you are no long innocent because of him?"
"What so he's allowed to shatter his soul but not me?"
"Severus would not damage his soul in killing me. Severus knows he would be helping me and doing as I wish. As I'm sure you have observed, the curse is gaining in strength and I am weaker by the day. You, however, would indeed damage your soul by killing in hatred, although I am not sure that you hate me."
"Well I fucking do," she said, her voice trembling slightly.
"So I come back to my question, what would Severus think of you splitting your soul?"
"It doesn't matter about what he would think-"
"Could he ever forgive himself? I have spoken with Severus many times about my death. He will forgive himself for killing me, I know that. But will he forgive himself if you were to kill me? I think not. And we haven't reached the second problem, yet."
"Oh? And what's that?" her wand had lowered slightly now, her arm was aching and her entire body seemed to be trembling with adrenaline.
"The fact that you, Serena, are not capable of killing even your worst enemy."
Her hand fell limp to her side, and she felt her throat burn in shame.
"I remember," Albus continued quietly, "a young girl, pointing her wand at the woman who had killed her fiancé, and still not being able to cast the curse to kill her… Severus told me how upset you were, afterwards. We both knew then, there is not a dark bone in your body. Although you grew up in darkness, you hold too much light inside of you."
"Don't talk about me as though you understand me," she said in a shaky voice. "You don't have a clue who I am-"
"You're standing before me as a wife trying to protect her husband…"
"Of course I'm trying to protect him," she said in a crisp tone. "You've taken away his future. You've pulled away his friends, his colleagues, and even me. Everything that helped keep Severus balanced, everything that gave him just a bit of self-worth and happiness… It's all gone."
"Severus will find a new balance-"
"Severus has fallen so deep into the darkness that he couldn't find his way out if he tried. You don't see it, haunting his nightmares, cramping his muscles, pulsating through his miserable emotions. You're killing him. That's what this has become, do you realise that? When he kills you, he kills himself…"
"He will do what needs to be done."
"And when the Dark Lord no longer has a use for him, he will be disposed of, just as you dispose of him now."
"I would think it unlikely," Albus said lightly, taking another sip of her drink.
"You don't care either way," she said softly. "You don't give a shit about him or anyone, I see that now. You just want to win. But is it winning if you lose and sacrifice so much?"
Albus bowed his head and closed his eyes briefly. "That is my burden."
When he opened his eyes they were watery and bluer than before.
"Now," he said in a husky voice, setting both his palms down onto his desk. "I believe you were here to kill me."
Serena could feel the uncontrollable emotion rising up inside her. The back of her throat burnt, her arms had begun to shake and those fucking tears pricked at her eyes. She wouldn't let him see her like this, she wouldn't.
She gave him one last filthy look and fled the room. She ran, this time, zig-zagging blindly, hardly able to put one foot in front of the other as she bolted back down the stairwells, crashing into walls and paintings until she finally made it back to the safety of her rooms. She slammed the door behind her, fell to her knees and screamed.
She screamed herself hoarse.
She roared until her ears hurt.
She cried until there were no more tears and then she grabbed the nearest object and flung it across the room, listening to the satisfying smash as she grabbed something else and launched it too. She screamed until her voice broke and she gathered all her magic and let it loose around her, sending a wave of power through her quarters and laughing hysterically as all the glasses in her kitchen smashed into a thousand pieces. She could feel shards of glass cutting her arms and her neck but she didn't care. She span around and around, her trainers crunching on the broken glass and she cried and shrieked until there was no more magic or voice left in her.
She found herself curled up under the kitchen window, wondering why she had smashed all of her wine in her anger.
There was nothing she could do, she realised. There was nothing she could do to protect him at all. She was helpless. She was pathetic. She was useless to him.
With bloody hands she pulled out the black business card and cradled it between her trembling fingers. She couldn't bring herself to whisper the words, she didn't deserve to see them happy and together. They weren't meant to be. There was nothing she could do to keep them together. She didn't think she could bare looking at the couple in the kitchen who still had a slither of hope in their hearts.
…
"Mistress Serena! Mistress Serena miss!" her wand was in her hand in an instant, but it took her too long to sit up, her head spinning and her eyes whirring out of focus.
"Fuckkk," she groaned as her entire body throbbed with pain and her head banged violently. She blinked and looked around her.
She was sitting on the floor of her kitchen in Hogwarts, except that the room was ruined. The floor was a blanket of glass, everything she owned seemed to be broken, the plates were smashed, the chair legs were bent, her kettle was hanging off the edge of her cooker and there were stains all over the walls.
In the middle of all the wreckage stood a small figure with big round eyes and floppy ears that were being tugged very hard.
"Mistress Serena, you must wake up! The master is coming!"
"Wh-what? Elizabeth?" Her voice was barely audible and was almost as croaky as Elizabeth's.
"The master is coming!" the elf squeaked again. "And you is all hurt and dirty, miss!"
Slowly, as though she was drugged, Serena looked down at her own body.
"Urgh," she gagged as she recognised vomit on her t-shirt and the smell hit her nose. She raised her hand to take her wand and realised it was covered in tiny red cuts and both arms were stained with blood. "What the-"
She closed her eyes, trying to heal herself using her telempath skills, but she had the feeling she only managed half a job.
"Evanesco," she croaked, to vanish the vomit clinging to her side, but nothing happened. "Evanesco," she repeated, confused. "What the fuck?"
The elf hopped from one foot to another and pulled at her ears again. "Mistress depleted all her magic, Elizabeth believes. Mistress gathered it all up last night and let it explode. It will take hours for the magic to come back, Miss."
Serena groaned and coughed as her throat protested. "Can you please, please get the sick off me?"
Elizabeth clicked her fingers together and the vomit was gone.
"And- and the blood," she swallowed, wondering if she was going to be sick again. Not that she remembered being sick the first time.
Elizabeth clicked her fingers a second time and when Serena looked down at her skin, she was clean a part from a few tiny white scars on the back of her hands. "I have scar cream," she mumbled to herself, grabbing hold of the window ledge and trying to pull herself to her feet. She heaved herself up and sat heavily down on the windowsill, dragging in breath. Something caught her eye on the floor and she scooped up the black card, sliding it into her back pocket carefully.
"Why are you here Lizzie?" she forced her throat to make noises that sounded relatively audible. "What's going on? What time is it?"
"Elizabeth is here because the master is coming, Mistress, and Elizabeth knew that the Mistress had done a bad thing, and that- that Master won't be happy when he sees the Mistress like this."
"Coming? What, Severus is coming, now?!" she yelped, getting to her feet and clutching the wall as the room span.
"Yes Mistress, he-he arrived an hour ago, Mistress, but-but he went to see the Headmaster."
"Oh fuck," she moaned as vague memories of the previous night came flooding back to her.
"And he has already left the Headmaster's office, Miss! It is why Elizabeth is here! He is coming!"
"Elizabeth, clean this mess up immediately!" she ordered, stumbling across the glass towards the door. "Fix it! Or vanish it! Or do whatever the fuck you can do just make it look normal!"
She moved, half- crouched over to try and prevent herself from throwing up, and pushed open the door to her living room. Her heart sank as she saw it was the same, if not worse in there, too, but as her head lifted and her red eyes took in the room, it was what stood at the door that caused ice to fill her veins.
Severus Snape stood across from her in his dragon hide boots and thick black robes, his eyes ablaze and his fists clenched.
"Elizabeth," he said through gritted teeth, his eyes not leaving Serena's.
The little elf made a whimpering sound from behind Serena's knees.
"I will deal with you later," he threatened in a low voice. "Now leave."
Crack.
"Are you out of your mind?" his voice held the same tone he used with his students, she noticed idly as she tried to work out what to do. She wished her brain would work a bit quicker, but it seemed to take twice as much time to form the simplest of thoughts.
"No," she said firmly after a long pause, wishing her voice was stronger. "I feel like I may be having an out of body experience, but I think my mind is still with me."
His nostrils flared. "Are you drunk? It is eleven o' clock in the morning."
"Is it," she rasped, swallowing down a bit of vomit and fighting the urge to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. "Look, I wasn't expecting you this early, I had a bit of a party last night, things got a tad… out of control as you can see… and now I am going to bed for a nap… okay? Can we catch up later?"
Severus swallowed hard. "Go ahead and clean up then," he said quietly, gesturing at the state of the room.
"Later," she shrugged.
"Now."
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Just as I thought," he said quietly, shaking his head back and forth. "You are impossible. You lost control of your magic, didn't you? You can't even clean up your fucking mess this morning, is that it?"
She clenched her jaw and shrugged.
Severus crossed the room in three strides, his boots crunching painfully on the broken objects on the floor. He grabbed her arm roughly and squeezed it, his eyes piercing her own, but her Occlumency was thankfully intact.
"What happened?"
She raised her eyebrows at his firm grip. "You've just come from Albus' office haven't you? You don't need my version, I'm sure."
"He said you burst into his office last night raging drunk! He said you were out of control! That you brought up once again the role he has given me!"
Serena pulled her arm out of his grip and tried to push past him, but Severus blocked her, shoving her shoulder back roughly. "Well! Is it true? What were you thinking? Out of control? Drunk?"
"I wasn't out of control!" she half-shouted, half-croaked, pushing him back just as firmly. "I didn't go there to get him to change his mind! I didn't go there to talk to him or convince him otherwise!"
"Then why did you?" Severus growled angrily. "Why did you go there?"
"I went there to kill him!" she shouted into his face, her anger boiling to the surface and her throat screaming with pain. "I went there to fucking kill him!"
Severus let out a huff of breath and stared at her for a long moment, then his lips almost twitched into a disbelieving smile. "What?"
"You heard me," she snapped, wrenching her arm out of his grip and side-stepping around him, looking for the first time at the damage in her room. Even her sofa hadn't escaped the wreckage, it seemed.
Severus span on his heel and his piercing eyes followed her every movement. "You went there to kill him? What do you mean to kill him?"
"You know, the old Avada Kedavra and all that," she drawled, tugging at her hair. "Not that I could do it, apparently I am incapable of, and I quote "killing my worst enemy." So there you go. Looks like it'll just have to be you after all."
Severus took a step closer to her.
"You actually tried to kill him last night?"
"Yepp… pointed the wand and everything," she said dryly. "thought it'd be a good story. Albus' favourite teacher imperiused to kill him. You could tell the Dark Lord it was you, and I wouldn't go to prison. The Order would still like us both. Thought it was quite believable, myself."
"You're an idiot."
"Clearly."
"I don't know whether to throttle you or kiss you."
"Honestly, the state of my breath, I'd probably go with throttle."
Severus gave a mini snort and shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose with two long fingers. "I can't believe you."
"Mm."
They stood for a long moment until Severus crossed the room and swept her up in his arms. She clung to him, relieved at his reaction, but fighting the urge to throw up all the same.
"You really are an idiot, you know that?" he rasped in her ear. "I would never let you do that for me? Do you hear? Never! It keeps me sane knowing that your soul is intact and innocent. I could never forgive myself if you had killed for me, never."
"That's what Albus said," she mumbled into his cloak.
Severus sighed and set her down unsteadily on the floor.
"You look unwell."
She nodded. "I think I might be sick."
He rubbed his nose again. "You must stop drinking, Serena, you must. Don't think I haven't noticed-"
"Shall we talk about your cigarettes?" she retorted, and it silenced him. "No, didn't think so."
He grimaced and took out his wand, casting several diagnostic charms over her. "Your magic is recharging but it will probably take all day. Go and clean yourself up and lie down, I will sort this out and will be in shortly."
She nodded, her head banging at the small movement and made her way carefully to her bedroom.
"Severus?" she paused in the doorway. "Please don't punish Lizzie. She came to help me because she didn't want you to be stressed. She was trying to protect you."
Severus grunted. "That elf has been interfering in my life for ten years, I don't see any reason why she would stop now."
She gave a small smile and stepped into the other room.
Ten minutes later, she was tucked up in bed with the curtains closed, in fresh pyjamas and with her teeth brushed. She still felt disgusting, but any shame she felt had slowly crept away with Severus' reaction. She had no idea why he was so calm and accepting, she even thought he found it a bit funny, she was only grateful that he understood.
As promised, he came to join her not long after, in a shirt and trousers, his shoes left on the floor at the foot of the bed. He lay perched on his elbow alongside her and stroked her hair tenderly.
"Now," he drawled, watching her closely. "I believe you have quite a tale to tell me… don't leave anything out, I want all the details."
"You sadist," she mumbled, pulling the duvet over her head as his low chuckle rumbled in her ears.
…
"You do realise," Severus drawled, a smirk on his face after she had recounted last night's events to him as briefly as she could. "That above all, you did threaten your employer last night?"
She felt heat rising in her cheeks and she pulled a face. "The thought has crossed my mind… Although if he wanted to sack me, he'd have to explain to the others why, and I can't see him doing that."
"How very Slytherin of you," he smirked.
"And anyhow, what on earth did he say to you? How dare he say I was raging drunk, I-"
"Well, that's not exactly what Albus said," Severus said lightly. "I mean, he did his usual concerned father act, worried about your dependence on alcohol and anger issues. It was actually the portraits that made quite a loud protest about your actions."
"Is that so?"
"It is. Phineas Nigellus was quite outspoken."
Serena rolled her eyes. "He's never liked me. Even in Grimmauld Place he follows me around with suspicious eyes."
Severus gave a small smile and then sighed, his face turning more severe.
"Seriously, though, Serena… I don't want any bad blood between you… that was never my goal."
Serena raised her eyebrows and looked up at the ceiling. "Don't be silly, it's only a painting."
"You know who I'm talking about," he said in a firmer tone. "I am serious. Albus and I have always had a complicated relationship, that doesn't mean that you have to-"
"A complicated relationship?" she sniggered, looking at him incredulously. "Why are you defending him? Why are you being so calm? What the hell's going on with you?" She sat up on her elbows, too, and pressed a hand to his neck, frowning as she felt his emotions.
Severus was indeed, calm. The standard mixture of darkness and unhappiness was ever-present, but so was pride and tranquillity and yes, she had been right, some bemusement.
"Nothing," he said quietly. "I just… I…"
Serena raised her eyebrows and sat up properly, ignoring the lurching in her stomach. Severus was usually so eloquent with his words, if he was struggling then he was surely trying to say something important.
"I… I don't want you to think that I haven't considered every possible option, just as I know you have." He said eventually. "I have spent days, weeks, even, going over possible plans, ways to fulfil my promise to Albus whilst keeping us together, but I can find no plan in which you would be happy. Yes, even the plan you conjured up after a few too many drinks last night. That is why I am so calm. I have been there… I just… didn't actually go charging in like a headless Gryffindor."
He finished with a small smile, but she frowned at him.
"We should have spoken about this."
"Did we need to? Do you think I don't want to fight for you, Serena? For everything we have? Do you think I'm okay with losing this? You're my whole life, I just want you to be happy."
Serena reached over and slipped his hand into hers, linking their fingers together, watching how his pale skin stood out brilliantly against her tanned hands.
"Thank you for my Christmas present," she said quietly, looking up at him with shining eyes. "It's the best present I have ever received in my entire life."
Severus looked pleased with himself but slightly embarrassed too. He didn't seem to know what to say.
"How did you do it?" she asked softly. "It was in Grimmauld, wasn't it?"
He cleared his throat. "It was."
She waited for an answer to her first question patiently.
"I actually asked Remus to take it," he said eventually, his eyes flickering to hers and then looking back down at their hands. "It was a muggle camera which I had modified. That's why it's the same scene again and again. The… photographic representations of ourselves are not at liberty to move or go from photo to photo."
She smiled widely, awed at his idea. "Brilliant... I think it's the most precious thing I own."
She felt a surge of happiness through their linked hands and she smiled even wider still.
"I…" he began quietly. "I just wanted you to have something. Something you could look at, if you wanted to."
She pressed her lips together as moisture threatened to appear. It seemed that despite all of her crying the previous night, her body still had tears ready to be shed.
"It's perfect," she whispered, squeezing his hand tightly. "It means so much to me."
"Good," he said curtly, pulling his hand from hers and straightening up. Serena recognised his short tone as a way of him hauling his usual protective personality back over himself. They had spoken about feeling and sentiment for much too long, he was surely uncomfortable. She watched, smiling, as he put his boots on, his back to her.
"You should sleep," he said in a business-like manner. I shall bring you a tonic for your throat and a pick-me-up for later. I have a meeting with Dawlish and several letters to write."
"Dawlish the auror?"
"Of course Dawlish the auror," he snapped impatiently, standing up. He scowled at her, but his eyes were still sparkling and soft and his hard outer-shell didn't fool her anymore.
"I'll be at Headquarters this evening," she said quietly before he left. "Do you think I should apologise to Albus?"
He smirked despite himself, it seemed. "No," he said quietly. "I don't." With that, he marched briskly from the room, leaving Serena to wallow in her hangover alone.