Amy leaned in from the barn office doorway to check on Lyndy who was playing in the next room while she had been doing the morning chores just few steps away.
The mother had brought Lyndy's favorite toys with her from the loft, but instead of playing with them, the little girl had insisted she wanted to have Amy's ribbons to play with, the ones she had won when she had still been jumping with Spartan. Lyndy had often admired them on the wall, not saying anything, just pointing them to show she was interested in them, but now she had insisted that she wanted to play with the ribbons and not Pogie or Lammie.
Even though Amy had told her what they were and where she had gotten them from, she wasn't sure if her daughter really understood the meaning of them, but at the same time, it didn't matter; Spartan was like a unicorn for Lyndy anyway, ribbons or no ribbons. That's how Amy had always seen the horses Marion had worked with as well, and it was nice to see that continue in her relationship with Lyndy.
When Lyndy had asked for the ribbons, Amy had reached out on the wall and handed them to her. She saw no problem letting her daughter play with them despite their sentimental value. Even though they reminded her of the times she had been able to jump with Spartan - now she no longer was able to do it as much because of the horse's leg injury few years ago - but she didn't want to live in the past, she would rather be present and look for the future. The smile on Lyndy's face was more important for her than the high she could recall having after clearing all those jumps.
"How's it going, smiley-face?" Amy asked, and Lyndy looked up, smiling as she heard her mom's voice. "Good, huh?"
"Yes", was Lyndy's prompt answer as she got back to playing. Amy was surprised how long she could find them entertaining as they were very simple in design, but that was the gift kids still had - to imagine things from something that didn't necessarily spark anything for adults.
Amy smiled and started backpedaling from the door, so her gaze could stay with her daughter a little while longer, until she heard steps.
"Hey", Lou said as she entered the barn.
"Hey", Amy said, wondering what brought her sister here. "Did you want to use the barn office?" she guessed since Lou had stretched her visit to Hudson longer than she had planned, so all the work in New York was probably piling up. "Lyndy's playing there, hope you don't mind."
"Oh, no. Thanks, though", Lou said. "I was actually thinking if you would like to go on a trail ride? I was thinking I should probably do something with Venus. I feel bad about not spending time with her."
Amy was surprised by the invite. "Oh, I would, but... I got Lyndy."
"Georgie will look after her, I'm sure", Lou said, waving her hand. "I think it could be good for you and me to talk."
Amy didn't appreciate the charge that sentence had, but at the same time she knew that if she wouldn't diffuse that energy, it could explode. She gave herself a moment to think about it, but then nodded.
"Okay. I'll just ask Georgie then", Amy said, pulling out her phone.
Amy had to admit that when Lou had asked her to join her and Venus for a trail ride, she had expected more talking. But they had almost reached Mustang Meadows before Lou opened her mouth.
"So... yesterday, huh? That was pretty crazy about dad's dad", Lou said.
Amy nodded. "Yeah", she admitted. "I had no idea. Can't believe he's kept all that to himself. And he's never said anything about this to you either?"
"No, not a word", Lou said. "I'm just as surprised as you are."
"So when will you be leaving back to New York?" Amy asked. "Only asking because I'm wondering if we'll be able to visit dad's dad before you go. I think it would be good if we would do it together. I think he might need us there, and it might be best if he was there for us as well. This is a lot for all of us to digest."
"I still haven't decided", Lou shared, tenseness in her voice. "Who knows how long it'll take for dad to come around for that, but we promised- or well, I promised - that we'd wait till he was ready. Maybe that's tomorrow, next week, next month - or maybe never. But time's ticking. We can't wait forever."
"I know, but you can never force anyone to do something they aren't ready to do. It can only go wrong if it's forced", Amy noted.
"Yeah, I know", Lou said, looking at her sister. "I was actually thinking... maybe you could come visit me in New York. You and Lyndy, of course."
Amy was surprised. This was not what she had expected. "Me...? Why?"
"Well, I think you could use a change of scenery." Lou shrugged. "I mean, I know after my divorce, I needed that. The trip to Dominican Republic wasn't just for the girls, it was for me too. And I don't think you'd go for snorkeling or sunbathing, I know you that much-"
"Well, that's true", Amy admitted.
"But I feel like you need a break. Just something... else, than this. I think New York could be a happy medium, you know", Lou explained. "Besides, you'd get to meet Henry and see the new Maggie's... It would also give us an excuse to really talk and spend time together."
"Aren't we talking now?" Amy asked, not liking the idea of leaving Heartland. As bad as some days could be because of all the memories and regrets attached to Hudson, she wasn't sure she could feel the similar comfort the ranch offered for her in New York - or anywhere else.
"Well, yeah, but..." Lou sighed, looking at her sister. "Just think about it. It's not like you have a lot going on right now."
Amy wasn't sure if that was supposed to be an insult of sorts, but she was willing to let it go. "Okay", she said, even though she just couldn't see herself boarding a plane to New York.
"I feel bad for not being here", Lou admitted, "especially because I know what you're going through. I mean, the divorce, being a single parent... I should have been there for you more."
"It's okay. I know you had your thing, you needed to chase it", Amy said. Of course she would have appreciated a little more support, but at the same time she understood success was important for Lou and she worked hard for it. She didn't want to be the one standing in the way of that. "It's not like I couldn't do this on my own. I mean, I have."
"Thankfully you've at least had Grandpa, Lisa and Dad around", Lou said, nodding.
"Yeah..." Amy said, but her response was so timid, Lou took a notice.
"Or...?"
"I just..." Amy was trying to find the words to say it. "I don't mean this in a bad way, but... I feel like you divorcing Peter was different than Ty divorcing me. I mean, I liked Peter, but... didn't he always feel like an outsider?" she asked.
She had never really formed a bond with Peter, not the one Lou had with Ty, anyway. It had always felt like they had nothing to talk about or anything in common. The only times she felt like Peter had paid attention to her - not just her as part of Lou's family, but her as an individual - was when Ty had gone missing after the plane crash and when he had seen her baby bump for the first time.
"Well, he always said he did. Like he wasn't welcomed in this family", Lou said, still feeling sad about it. "And I tried to make it that he would feel like he was welcomed, but it just... it didn't click. I don't know why, but it just never happened. I guess it's like you said - you can't force it."
"Yeah..." Amy said. "Where as with Ty... he became family. And that's the crazy thing about this all - if we were still together, it would be the most perfect thing. That's what you want for your husband to have, right, that attachment to your family. But now that we are divorced... it's almost the worst thing you could have. Because how do I talk about my divorce to anyone in my family without them feeling they have to defend their son or brother or whatever he is to them? Maybe it's a selfish thing to want, but when I want to just tell how mad something Ty has done has made me feel, I don't want their response to be a defense for him. That's not why I want to talk - I talk, because I want to be heard. As myself. I want my feelings to be validated, that's why I'm opening up."
Lou listened, realizing she had in a way been angry about the whole Mitch thing not only because of her relationship with Mitch and Amy, but also because of Ty, too. He was, in a way, like a brother to her, even after all of this, so no matter how much she wanted to claim to be on Amy's team, she realized she was still rooting for Ty, too. Where as with Peter, no one had done the same for him - he had been the bad guy. During those months after their divorce, Lou had felt relieved that she had had her family on her side to sooth her and help her get back on her feet. It had been so clear to everyone who would be the one to be pushed out to make the divorce really what it had ought to be - a separation from one another in order for each of them to heal and move on.
"But because I already have that expectation - based on my experiences - about how those conversations with everyone will go, I don't even want to bother. It'll only make me feel worse. So I don't talk. And I know it's not ideal, but... what other choice do I have? I need to move forward, one way or another", Amy said, suddenly feeling that "longing" for Mitch again. At least with him she had always felt validated. Like he saw just her, and not one part of this "Ty and Amy" duo. But at the same time she didn't want to use him as a therapist.
"I'm sorry", Lou wanted to say. "I guess I had never realized that."
Amy nodded, accepting Lou's apology. "I'm ashamed to admit, especially because I know the circumstances are different, but hearing dad say he had that anger toward someone so close to him - his dad, of all people - it felt like... I don't want to say validation, but... that maybe it's okay that this divorce has made me angry too. That I am allowed to feel angry, because other people feel angry too all the time. Because he had this person, his dad, someone so close to him there, but not really there... I don't know, it just... it hit a nerve of some kind. It's like I've had you all here, but at the same time... not really", Amy spoke.
She felt like all this had been building up and in a way it was good to get it out, but at the same time she was scared for the response. There was always that "but would you think of someone else" when it came to her. For once, she just wanted to be Amy. Her own person.
"So yes... I have had Grandpa, Lisa and dad. But I haven't really have them", Amy said. "And I don't blame you all. - It's like when we fight, and Grandpa wants us to stitch things up, he'll always talk about your side to me and about my side to you. It's an automatic response, because family is supposed to be together. And to everyone, Ty is family. But I also need people to realize that he divorced me. He walked away from me. So it hurts me to hear everyone defending him when I'm the one who was left behind. Why do I have to be the one understanding? When's my turn to get a little sympathy? But at this point, I don't even want it. I just want to be left alone. But even that seems to be too much to ask."
"It's not", Lou said. She was shocked after hearing Amy's side of things, especially because she had just assumed her sister's life situation was now exactly how it had been with her couple years ago. But not every divorce was the same, even though they resembled each other on the surface. After all, mom had probably not had it the same either, especially because everyone had hated Tim at that point.
It was like a whole scale of different divorces; the one where you hated the person after the divorce (Tim), the one where you stayed distant, but somewhat neutral (Peter) and then the one where you still remained close (Ty).
"I'll try to be better from now on", Lou promised. "I'll try to listen to you and not just wait for my turn to talk - or even think about Ty, at this point. I know it'll be hard, because it's like you said - he is still family - but you are my sister. We've grown up together, we have shared life experience. And maybe we are very different, but that still doesn't change the fact that I love you so much. Always have, always will. And even if it's not always easy with us, I'll never stop fighting for you. I promise, Amy."
Amy felt choked up, but smiled through the tears as she looked at her sister beside her. "Thanks, Lou. You don't know how much that means to me."
"Of course", Lou said, reaching out her hand so Amy could grab it. "After all, it was you who made me believe in love after what happened with Peter. I really want you to have that same experience too."