A Katarina Interlude
Katarina stared at the textbook before her with a feeling of having done this before. The words 'you've already read this before' at the top of the page in her handwriting helped.
She looked to the side at her notes. Thankfully, Anne had been able to smuggle her a small notebook and some pencils. The notebook was full of notes with varying amounts of legibility and sense, like 'utensils from the outside in per course' and 'talk about the weather' and other weird things.
She remembered tests. There'd been… how many tests now? Two? Three? After each test had come the feeling of relief of not needing to remember what she'd studied anymore, only for the horrified remembrance that yes, she DID need to remember it for next week's test.
Katarina stared at the textbook before her with a feeling of having done this before. The words 'you've already read this before' at the top of the page in her handwriting helped. Another note just beneath, also in her handwriting, read 'keep reading!'.
Why was she doing this? It's not like she needed to know this to be a knight, right? Only… Maria knew this and she was a knight, so… wait, did Maria actually know this? She'd never seen her need to remember what sort of fork to use. There were, like, too many forks! This was why she got one fork when she ate from the buffet and stuck with it!
Katarina stared at the textbook before her with a feeling of having done this before. The words 'you've already read this before' and 'keep reading' at the top of the page in her handwriting helped. Below that were the words 'stop thinking about forks!' and a little frowny face, also in her handwriting.
There weren't enough hours in the day for studying. This was literally the first time in both her lives Katarina had thought that. why she needed to study This Book and the things in it were a blur. She only knew she had to study it. It was hard. It was stupid. A lot of it was all very impolite! True, it spoke about what behavior was considered rude a lot, but she got the sense it was telling you this so you could do it.
They were expected to sleep early in the dorm, so that those with later night shifts could be well rested and not be distracted, but Katarina didn't have the time. She'd taken to sneaking out at night and sitting just outside the light of the watch fires on the guard posts along the wall so she could read The Book, try to cram in a little bit more studying while she could…
Katarina stared at the textbook before her in the predawn light with a feeling of having done this before. The words 'you've already read this before' and 'keep reading' at the top of the page in her handwriting helped. Below that were the words 'stop thinking about forks!' and a little frowny face, also in her handwriting, as was the little note that said 'test today!'. She missed her friends. She missed her farm. She missed playing with the children. They were all at school whenever she was allowed a break to work on the estate's fields, so she had to do it alone without them. She never thought she'd ever feel lonely while farming, but she did…
She heard the morning bell and her head jerked up. Oh, she had to make her bed for inspection, and then today it was her turn at the kitchen again…
She tried to repeat to herself what she could remember as she made breakfast for everyone. The others working in the kitchen didn't even glance at her, too used to her muttering and how she glanced at the random pieces of paper stuck in weird places, full of notes she'd written. Sometimes one would get lost and she'd need to try to remember what it said so she could check The Book and write it down again to put the paper back. It was so hard and so boring and so pointless…
Did she eat breakfast? She must have, right? She never missed breakfast. Or second breakfast. Or elevenses. Or lunch. Or afternoon tea. Or snack time. Or dinner. Or supper. Or midnight snack. Surely she ate, right?
Katarina stared at the textbook covered in crumbs before her in the predawn light with a feeling of having done this before. The words 'you've already read this before' and 'keep reading' at the top of the page in her handwriting helped. Below that were the words 'stop thinking about forks!' and a little frowny face, also in her handwriting, as was the little note that said 'test today!'.
"All right, please put away the reference book, squire Claes," Lady Maria's voice said, and Katarina had to take a moment to look up and blink blearily at her. Lady Maria's face was as impassive as it always was, which was really sad because she looked so much prettier in all the publicity art where she was smiling…
"Did I say that out loud?" Katarina said.
"Say what?" Lady Maria said. "Please get back to filling out the test."
Katarina blinked and stared down. She was in the middle of filling out the test? When had that happened? She rubbed her eyes and hunched, trying to remember which of the 20 options of the 50 questions had been right, trying to remember what she'd studied, trying to read the questions…!
Katarina realized she was handing her test paper back to Lady Maria. The test was over already? Ah, thank goodness, the test was over! Her brains felt like someone had fallen off a tree and squashed it with their enormous butt. Still, the test was over! Now she could forget everything and–
She stared at the words written on the back of the test paper as Lady Maria took it back: "DON'T FORGET! SAME TEST NEXT WEEK!" It was in her handwriting.
Panic filled her! No, no, she couldn't, she couldn't forget! She had the same test against next week, she had to remember, had to remember…!
She tried repeating the exam questions but they were slipping away, and the possible answers with them. Wait, the questions she'd answered right, it was about… argh, why was she thinking about forks!? No, wait, right-answer-chan, come back…!
Katarina clutched at her head, her teeth gritting together at the effort of trying not to forget, of keeping it all in her head as Maria smoothly and quickly read through her test paper, putting down little marks.
"Hmm," Lady Maria's voice said, penetrating through the haze of panic. "There is some improvement I suppose, squire Claes. Still, having 16 right answers after taking the same test four times is still a poor showing. Are you even taking this seriously?"
S-seriously?
"It almost seems as if you're just randomly choosing answers," Lady Maria continued. "Don't you even remember what answers were correct from last time?"
But it was already so hard remembering what she'd studied! How could she remember the answers from a week ago after only having seen them when Maria showed her what her score was?! This brainy, mind-numbing repetition made her want to quit so much!
Lady Maria sighed. "Lady Katarina, maybe you're not suited to this," she said, for once sounding like something other than a stern teacher. Katarina looked up hopefully. Did this mean they could stop it with the stupid etiquette lessons and move on real knight training? "If you can't even handle something as simple as studying, which isn't even that hard, maybe you're not fit to be a knight. Perhaps we should stop, and you can go back home, be with your friends, go back to doing what you like to do."
Huh?
"Huh?" Katarina said confused. "But… what about being a knight?"
"Lady Katarina, you're obviously struggling just learning proper dinner etiquette," Lady Maria said. "That's just one chapter. How will you deal when you have to learn court etiquette–"
"Eh?"
"– proper dueling code–"
"Eh?!"
"– international codes of warfare like the treatment of prisoners–"
"EH?"
"– or even just proper modes of address?" Lady Maria said. "You know how lax you are about remembering the right way of addressing people. Perhaps you should just give up. It's no shame not to be a knight. A lot of people aren't knights."
Katarina blinked. Why was she so sleepy? She shouldn't be so sleepy. One of her roommates had let her have some of her green blossom tea to let Katarina stay up studying… when had that been? Yesterday? No, she'd already been drinking it before that… the day before?
"Yes, you should stop, Lady Katarina," Lady Maria said. When had she gotten The Book? "Reading this book was obviously very hard for you. You barely managed to remember anything in a mere 26 pages. You're obviously not suited to be a knight. You should just stick with what you can do, and what's easy for you. Farming, you're good at that, Lady Katarina. Not being a knight. You tried your best, but you failed, so you're obviously not good enough. So just give up being a knight, Lady Katarina. It's only making you unhappy and it's really hard."
It was hard. So very hard…
"It's so hard," she found herself saying, tears of exhaustion streaming down her eyes. "Why do I even need to know any of this?"
Lady Maria's voice was kind and soothing. "You don't need to do this. You never did. Only knights need to know this. So don't do it, Lady Katarina. Just stop. Just quit."
Just stop all this studying. Just quit making her brain hurt. That sounded so nice.
"Say it with me, Lady Katarina," Lady Maria said. When had she started leaning over Katarina? Ah, put those headpats felt so nice. "Say 'I quit.' Say 'I don't want to be a knight anymore'. And you can stop studying. It's really hard right? And you don't like doing things that are hard. "
She didn't! She was okay with manual labor, with carrying things, with farming all day… but reading? Studying? Memorizing? She couldn't do it! She hated it! It was so hard!
Lady Maria lay The Book down in front of her, and some sort of weird instinct made her arms reach for it and open it up to the bookmark made from a torn sheet of paper that she'd made. There were a lot of those torn sheets sticking out from a very worn set of pages.
Katarina stared at the textbook covered in spots from crumbs before her with a feeling of having done this before. The words 'you've already read this before' and 'keep reading' at the top of the page in her handwriting helped. Below that were the words 'stop thinking about forks!' and a little frowny face, also in her handwriting, as was the little note that said 'test today!'.
For some reason, she had an overwhelming urge to cry. Nevertheless, she started reading–
There was a gust of wind, and Katarina let out a cry as her bookmark flew away, the pages whipping back. Her bookmarks!
Soft hands touched her face, wiped away her tears. Katarina realized she'd been crying. "There, you see? This is all so hard to do, it's making you cry. Just give up, Katarina. If you continue, you'll have to do this again over and over again. It will never stop. You don't want that, right? It's boring. It's pointless. It makes your head hurt. It's really hard. So just give up being a knight and never have to do this again…"
Never have to do this again…
"Just stick with what you know. That way nothing can hurt you. Nothing will be hard. Not like being a knight."
She missed her friends. She missed having tasty snacks. She missed her Anne! She missed her farm and having people to talk to and getting to sit in the shade and not needing to wear a hat so she didn't get sunstroke and being able to farm and sparring with Lady Maria…
Slowly, her hands rose and once more opened the book. Even without a bookmark, her fingers knew the touch of the worn pages, opening them to the right page.
Katarina stared at the textbook with a feeling of having done this before. The words 'you've already read this before' and 'keep reading' at the top of the page in her handwriting helped. Below that were the words 'stop thinking about forks!' and a little frowny face, also in her handwriting, as was the little note that said 'test today!'. Why couldn't she remember the contents of a book she'd been reading all month? It was so boring! And complicated! And boring! And she got the feeling it was all very impolite! True, it spoke about what behavior was considered rude a lot, but she got the sense it was telling you this so you could do it.
"Look, you're crying again. Just stop studying Lady Katarina. Stop studying, stop trying to be a knight, just give up…"
Argh! Why couldn't noble society be simple? You say 'sorry' when you do something wrong, you say 'thank you' if someone gives you something or does something nice for you, you say 'please' when you're asking for something. And yeah, noble society had that too. But it also had, like, too many forks! This was why she got one fork when she ate from the buffet and stuck with it! Who could remember that you were supposed to use the forks on the outside first, then going in for every course? That was all so pointlessly complicated and made her brain hurt…
"Just give up Lady Katarina. You can't do this. You don't need to do this. "
She looked to the side but couldn't find her notebook. Oh no, did she lose it? And Anne had smuggled it to her too. It had all her notes for… things. Things she needed to remember.
"You haven't used your hoe all month. It's your favorite farming tool, remember? Don't you miss using your hoe and sowing seeds on your field? You could do that if you just give up. Stop trying to be a knight…"
She remembered tests. There'd been… how many tests now? Two? Three? Four? After each test had come the feeling of relief of not needing to remember what she'd studied anymore, only for the horrified remembrance that yes, she DID need to remember it for next week's test.
"You're no good at studying, and you need to study a lot if you want to become a knight. There's no one to help you, no one to give you notes. No one to remind you of what the test will contain. No talented friends that will just give you the answers."
She was no good at studying, and you needed to study a lot if you want to become a knight. After all, Maria was a knight and she had even higher grades than… uh, whatsisname? ジオルド? There's no one to help her, no one to give her notes. No one to remind her of what the test will contain. No talented friends that will just give her the answers.
Katarina Claes, as she'd been doing all month, ignored the parts of her mind pointing out the obvious about how hard this was all going to be, put on her determined face and tried to study. She was going to be a knight even though the world was spinning and she was falling and someone caught her and her eyelids were feeling heav–
Maria stopped whispering in Katarina's ear as the girl finally fell asleep. She'd already used Light Magic on her a little while ago in case all her nights staying up had led to Katarina getting sick, but so far it seemed it was just exhaustion finally catching up with her.
Carefully, she picked up her squire– no, her Squire, it was official– and took her to her bed in the dormitory. Carefully, she loosened her Squire's clothes to make her more comfortable, then got up to get her a pitcher of water and a cup for when she woke up. She retrieved 'The Noble's Proper Etiquette Reference and Manual of Propriety and Action, seventh edition' from Katarina's school desk on the way. The book was well worn and obviously intensely referred to. Several bookmarks stuck out from it, and there were a lot of notes written in the margins. It was not so much a well-loves book as an experienced arch nemesis, against whom Katarina had matched wits with again and again and again.
Yet, even right up until she had fallen asleep, Katarina had been determined to face it, Katarina had never lost heart, and never looked back. She marched in one direction, and that direction was dead ahead.
"Rest well, my Squire," Maria said, wetting a cloth with a little of the water and wiping Katarina's face. "We'll start your true training soon."
The hard part– the hardest part– was over. Not just anyone could become a knight, after all. And it wasn't simply because of how expensive it was. You couldn't have a knight who could bend, who would break. And so potential squires had to be broken. They had to be put through the Bed of Chaos and the Abyss and the Fume Knight itself to find those who would stop when it was all too much to bear… and those who wouldn't. Lesser beings died. A knight couldn't allow themselves to die, because they had a duty to fulfill. Their wills had to be such that even if they were struck down, even if they died… they would rise again and keep on fighting.
Nothing could be an obstacle or a hindrance, only an inconvenience, to be overcome. To be a knight was to not let yourself be stopped by even death. A knight must keep going… and go beyond death.
Most squires, Maria had learned in her inquiries after Katarina had asked to be her squire, broke after exhausting, mind-numbing physical labor. Something so pointless, so tiring, so needless and seemingly without purpose, they couldn't see themselves doing it one second more.
That wouldn't have worked for Katarina. She liked doing that sort of work.
So Maria had needed to be… creative.
It had been agonizing to see how well she had succeeded.
She'd been so proud to see she had failed.
Katarina Claes, in tears, in pain, exhausted beyond anything she had ever experienced before… had chosen to keep going.
Quietly, Maria wrote a quick note, telling Katarina that she had the rest of the day off and could come to the manor to see the children, have snacks, visit Anne, and whatever else she wanted. Katarina had earned it, though Maria didn't write that part. She tucked it into the section Katarina had studied so determinedly, so she would see it.
As Maria was about to close the book, she noticed again the dedication on the inside front cover.
To my daughter, who I am most proud.
She can do anything, and does.
She wondered if Katarina had ever really gotten around to reading the section on gardening and farming.
As Maria got up to leave, she saw the off-duty knights standing between her and the door. Their stances were relaxed, their expressions neutral… but they were standing between her and the door.
"Well?" the knight in the lead, a tall woman with long blonde hair, asked.
"Please try to keep it down," Maria said. "My Squire has had a long month. She deserves her rest before her training begins."
Smiles broke out among the knights. Many clapped hands with each other triumphantly. The knight in the lead nodded in approval. "Excellent," she said. "I would have needed to have words with you if you'd chosen to fail her just because she was a little tired."
They made way for Maria to pass between them. As she left, behind her she heard the knights making preparations and changes to that night's planned dinner. Someone had gone beyond death. There was much to celebrate.
A/N: So, my Pat-reon is up now at P.A.T.R.E.O.N.C.O.M -/-SCM2814. If you want to support this fic, that would be great, but no pressure. But if you do, you'll also get advanced access to my new original fiction series about a wizard on the frontier, her dungeon, and the idiots around her...