190.

"Whatcha doin?"

Olivia returned from inside the cafe and placed Ed's quiche bites in front of him. He was totally absorbed in his phone and hardly noticed his wife approaching. The cafe across from the day camp location had become their regular morning haunt. The coffee was excellent and so were their breakfast items and pastries. The Tuckers soon greeted the staff by name and made sure to try a new selection each day.

"Catching up on Instagram," Ed replied, "And posted a few pictures from this week. Want to see?" He was always intentional about showing Olivia his social media. He knew she trusted him, but he wanted to make sure there were no question marks when it came to his interactions with the cyber world.

"Sure."

Olivia flipped through the photos. Most of them were of the kids-on the boat, the beach, and at the seafood shack the previous night. He'd put filters on a few and made the images brighter, more whimsical. In a separate post he'd included one of him and his mother at the restaurant. Caroline had a regal, subdued smile on her face and Ed's cheeks were ruddy from sun and alcohol. Olivia's favorite, though, was a snap of the two of them standing together in the yard, arms around each other's waists, and smirking. The black and white filter gave it an air of timelessness.

"Like that one?" Ed asked.

"I do," Olivia replied, "It's funny. Some of the pictures Noah takes, I don't even realize he's taken them and they end up being favorites."

"Because he's capturing real life and not everyone posing."

"Very true." Olivia gazed across the four-lane street at the community center's parking lot. Through the cars and the chain link fence she could barely see the kids running around in the field adjacent to the building. "I'm glad we found this place, but it would be fine with me if we ran some errands while we're out and the kids are occupied."

Ed raised his eyebrows. He was very much relishing their two hours at the outdoor tables. They read the news, collaborated on crossword puzzles, and got a chance to talk without interruptions.

Olivia saw the reluctance on his face. "Or not?"

Ed grinned, "I, uh, I've been lookin' forward to doin' this every day. It's, uh, I dunno, I'm just enjoyin' being with you...here."

"I have too," Olivia replied, "I just didn't want you to feel like we're wasting time when we could be out doing other things."

"Nope. We're not wasting a single second." He smiled at her and his stomach flip-flopped when she returned the grin, cocked eyebrow and all.

"I did want to mention something to you though," Olivia said.

"Uh-oh."

"Yeah." She took a sip of her iced coffee. "Is your mother seeing a doctor regularly?"

Ed's face fell. "I don't know," he replied, a little ashamed he didn't know the answer.

"She's been coughing so much, and seems tired other times. I know she's aging, but, the other day," Olivia winced and told him the story of finding Caroline doubled over due to back pain.

Ed grunted. "She's probably gonna let it get to the point that she can't get outta bed before she sees a doctor," he said, "Her generation isn't big on paying attention to their health, particularly women's health. Even us, growing up, we got our shots, but we never went to the doctor unless we were really sick and even then it was usually for an antibiotic prescription."

"Before insurance companies and big pharma convinced us we needed constant care," Olivia muttered sarcastically. "Not that I'm not grateful for advances in medicine, but it seems like the best world is a little between your mom's and what's become the status quo."

"Right. We all got duped by the business side of medicine."

"But now that we have access to the best of the best," Olivia said, "Shouldn't your mom take advantage of it?"

"For some reason I predict her sayin' something along the lines of she doesn't want to mess around with doctors and nurses and needles and she's just fine taking care of herself until her time comes."

"Ed…I...I know you're right, but...honey...how hard is this for you?"

"I try not to dwell on it." He chuckled at her stern reaction and added, "Liv, she's lived a long time. It's gonna be tough. But I know she's not going to want to spend her last years or months being shuttled back and forth from doctor to doctor. She's always lived with the belief that life is ultimately in God's hands. Even after Jack, after my Dad, hell, after Eugene, she always approached it with the attitude she was going to keep going because she was still here. And I think she's been hell bent on sticking around as long as possible so she can see Noah and the twins grow up." Ed rubbed his face, "Then she's still smoking…"

"Maybe she has faith that strong?" Olivia asked.

"Maybe. She's always done everything on her own terms." He gazed lovingly across the table, "Whatever happens, whenever it happens, I'm just glad you're gonna be here with me, with us, through it all."

"Always," Olivia squeezed his hand.

"Ya know, she knew I loved you before I did."

"I think I picked up on that."

"Wise old bird," Ed murmured.

"Yes she is."

…

Later that afternoon, Caroline showed no signs of being tired, in pain, or in her eighties. She sat in her beach chair and helped the twins and Sofia build their sand piles and occasionally threw the frisbee back to Noah or Ed when it drifted her way. Caroline always preferred to sit near the water, so the family's main setup was a few yards closer to the house and Sarah, Brooke, and Olivia lounged on one of their large beach mats.

"Sare, this daiquiri is strong as hell but it's so good," Brooke said, "What is it? Mango? Coconut?"

"Yes, and papaya and I actually put the coconut pulp in there, so, yeah, this is one of my best concoctions. Like, it Livvie?"

"It's delicious," Olivia said, "But be careful with the kids. Maggie almost drank mine."

"Well, that little brat," Sarah joked. "Omigod, Livvie, Brooke, what are you gonna do when one of them comes home with alcohol on their breath?"

Brooke groaned. She'd had the experience with Aidan, and was not looking forward to the same with Sofia.

"I think I'll let your Dad handle it," Olivia replied breezily.

"Good plan."

Brooke sipped her drink and smiled, but, inside, she was a little bummed. She wanted to hear Olivia's strategy, her plans, her thoughts on how to confront a child who had been drinking. Sofia was only two, yet she felt like time was slipping away, and, every time she felt like she had a handle on parenting, her daughter entered a new phase.

"How did he react when you or Brooke came home after having had a few?"

Sarah crinkled her nose.

Brooke scratched her forehead.

"I actually don't think we did that too often at his house," Sarah said. "All our friends were out on Long Island, so when we were with Daddy it was the three of us for the weekend. Omigod, though, one time I did call him from a party, it was the week before Father's Day, and I'd forgotten about it, and asked him what he wanted."

"Oh, shit, I remember that," Brooke said.

"He was like, I want you here in one piece," Sarah recalled, "And told me to go home."

"Did he say anything to you the next weekend?"

"Yes," Sarah said, "He asked where I was and who I was with and told me I shouldn't be drinking but if I was ever in a place I needed to leave to call him. He would always pick up."

Olivia smiled. "Sounds like the Ed I know."

"Yeah, Livvie, I think he was a bigger asshole cop than he was a Dad." Sarah lolled her head toward Olivia, "Will you tell us the story again?" She asked.

Even with the sunglasses, Olivia could tell Sarah's eyes were wide.

Brooke grinned and slapped the brim of Sarah's hat, "Again?"

"I looooove the story."

"Which one?" Olivia asked.

"Tell us about...hmmm," Sarah had trouble pinpointing one early Ed and Olivia tale. She also knew there were many stories too private for her and Brooke to hear. "Tell us about the first date. The first date date."

"Well, that's always hard because we were seeing each other a lot, but, the first time he took me out for dinner was to a pub, for burgers and beers, it was really nice, but, that wasn't the first time we had food together. Once we were out for drinks and had a couple of appetizers, oh, and I remember the bartender said something about how our choices were a good beginning to a date and we both looked at each other...it was awkward...because we weren't exactly together."

"But you wanted to be."

"Looking back, I guess I did."

"How did you know when you were together finally?"

Olivia chuckled. She couldn't reveal the whole truth, so she gave Sarah and Brooke a detail they'd never heard before and hoped it would satisfy them. "There were a lot of little things, but a big one was, he started to walk me home. Even if he wasn't coming up, which he wasn't at first, he'd make some excuse to take the cab with me or walk with me."

"Gawwwwwd…"

"So simple," Brooke said, "But so romantic."

"Our Daddy…"

Olivia looked over at Brooke and was relieved to see her smiling. She was the one who had had a hard time when she eventually wrestled with how devoted Ed was to Olivia and the new part of his family. It forced Brooke to confront how difficult it had been for her and for Sarah when their mother, in pursuit of her career aspirations, upended their lives. Brooke did not place all the blame on Angela, but, as the full picture came into focus, she resented her decisions far more than she resented her father's indifference.

"DADDY! GOOD CATCH!"

Out by the shore, Noah had heaved the frisbee and it hung in the air long enough for Ed to snag it and then dive into the water. Olivia held her breath, for Ed hit the wave at an awkward angle, but he surfaced, shook his head, and floated the disc back to Noah.

"Your turn bud!" he called.

Noah attempted a diving catch of his own but couldn't quite hold on. Undeterred, he threw the frisbee back. "Throw it a lil' lower dis time, Daddy!"

Ed tossed the frisbee so that Noah could easily catch it. He did and collapsed into the water when a wave undercut him. The fall looked worse than it was.

"Oh God," Olivia said.

But Noah emerged, dripping and smiling, "That was AWESOME!" he shouted. "AGAIN!"

The twins were mildly interested in Frisbee, and they watched as they moved back and forth between the shore and their sand pile project. Once, the Frisbee fell in front of Wyatt and he ditched his pail, donned his goggles, and grabbed the Frisbee.

"Omigod, omigod, omigod," Sarah said, "Wyatt is so funny. Whenever he even steps into the water he puts his goggles on."

"He loves those things," Brooke said.

"He does," Olivia added, "I found a pair in their bed this morning."

"Maybe he's going to be one of those people who swims from Florida to Cuba," Sarah said. "In a shark cage of course."

"Ugh," Olivia replied with a smile, "Well, I guess we'll see."

"Livvie, you are decidedly relaxed and anything goes lately and I love it."

"Thank you," Olivia raised her glass, "I'm working on it. And I think worrying about Wyatt swimming to Cuba in a shark cage is a little ridiculous, at least right now, he is three after all."

"Very true." Sarah sat up, "You know what I'm worried about? Dinner. I'm starving."

"We were thinking the Boardwalk tonight," Olivia said. "They have bands playing…"

"We're there," Sarah said, "And we'll watch the kids while Daddy dances with you."

Olivia grinned. "Thanks."

…..

Olivia knew what the news was before Noah told her. Over the past eighteen months they had researched dozens of colleges and gone on a handful of visits, but she had known ever since seeing Noah's reaction to the University of Michigan, that he would end up in Ann Arbor for his undergraduate studies. Michigan was the only campus they agreed to visit outside of the New York area. They'd seen a few smaller colleges in addition to larger campuses like Rutgers and Connecticut, and Noah was quite sure he wanted a sprawling campus. He was confident he could find his niche within thousands of students, and he liked the idea of attending a university with international name recognition.

No longer did students receive bulky welcome packages in the mail. A secure email told them whether or not they were the next member of a college class, and, in Noah's case, he saw the email at school, in the library, during a study period. Unable to resist, he opened the email and stared at the welcome letter emblazoned with the vaunted block "M." He was in. He was a Wolverine.

"Honey!" Olivia wrapped him in a tight hug, "Congratulations! I am SO proud of you!" The excitement was real-Noah deserved this good news after years of working tirelessly to earn good grades, high test scores, and a remarkable track record of community service. In a funny reversal, his teachers eagerly suggested they write letters of recommendation before Noah asked. .

"Way to go, bud!" Ed said while he waited patiently for his own hug. But he knew every piece of good news was delivered and celebrated with mom first.

Maggie and Wyatt were excited, but not surprised. Like typical younger siblings, they were excited about how great life would be in the fall when nobody had to share rooms.

"Wow…" Noah stared at his phone where he had saved the email. "I'm really going."

"You are," Olivia said.

That night they went out for a celebratory dinner. After that, Noah headed out after to a friend's house-more great acceptance news was pouring in among the kids in his tight circle-and the twins invited a couple of friends over and commandeered the living room for a movie all the middle schoolers were raving about. Ed and Olivia retreated to their room and hung out together with the door open and the TV turned low.

"I hear Michigan's nice," Ed said, "All those lakes."

Olivia responded with a gentle laugh. "I've heard good, no, great things."

Ed laughed at her corny joke and rolled over, onto his side, so he could gaze at his wife. "You okay?"

"I'm...yes, I'm in a little bit of shock, but, yes, I'm okay. I'm thrilled for Noah. For all of us, really. In a way, I'm simply relieved I don't have a child who wants to go into law enforcement. At least not that I know of."

"Yeah," Ed scooted closer to her, "I think we've cleared that hurdle."

Olivia fell silent and listened closely to what was going on, or not going on, in the other room. "It's so quiet."

"They're watching a movie."

"But they're not laughing or anything."

"You need a drink, don't ya?"

"Ed! I can't-" Olivia broke into a grin, "-oh, I get it, yes, I need a drink which requires you to sneak into the kitchen."

"Comin' right up." He made a show of crawling over her instead of hopping down from the bed on his own side and stopped for kiss. "Want anything in particular?"

"Surprise me."

"Yes ma'am."

He returned a minute or so later with two tumblers and a dejected expression. "They're boring," he muttered before she could ask what he'd seen.

Olivia burst into soft laughter and took her glass. "Boring is good."

"They're just...watching the movie," Ed mumbled, pretending to be disgusted with the lack of boundary-pushing.

"Damn kids."

"I know." He raised his glass, "To boring children."

Olivia touched her glass to his and raised her chin for a kiss, "May it last a long time," she said, "Cheers."

….

The Bethany Beach boardwalk was not as busy, flashy, or tourist-oriented as other more famous boardwalks, but the Tuckers, the kids especially, loved all it had to offer. Their favorite ice cream parlor was located two doors down from one of the area's many excellent coffee shops. A two-story building housed an arcade and two restaurants, one of which was their chosen destination for the evening. Its patio and the boardwalk merged with one another, separated only by a rope fence, and the twins immediately started swinging. Sofia warily observed and eventually inched closer, but she didn't dare try the acrobatics. Noah instinctively doubted the ropes would hold him, and he remained in his chair between Sarah and Caroline.

"Dey have oysters here?" Noah asked.

"I don't think so, Noey," Sarah said, "At least, not the raw ones we like."

Noah groaned.

"We'll go for oysters later on this week," Ed assured him.

"This boy has the palate of a thirty-year-old man," Caroline said. "You've done marvelous work, Eddie and Olivia. Picky eaters are not allowed in this family."

Brooke rolled her eyes, "Define picky," she challenged, "You'll only eat one brand of butter!"

"There is no butter better than Kerrygold," Caroline retorted, "You should've seen the celebration the day they had it available at our market in Hell's Kitchen. You would've thought Ireland won the Olympics."

The live music started then, drowning out the boisterous laughter at the Tucker table. There was an acoustic guitarist and a singer who belted out covers of familiar songs. The music distracted Maggie and Wyatt and they danced around, waving their arms and bobbing their heads. Maggie was wearing a new pink-and-white sundress, and twirled around so the skirt flared.

They ordered drinks and appetizers to share. Great moods abounded, the little kids were occupied with crayons and paper and the small toys they'd been allowed to bring, and the adults were content to listen to the music and savor their view of the people on the boardwalk and the beach in the distance. As the sun set, the first couples made their way to the dance floor. It wasn't really a floor in the traditional sense, it was more of an area intentionally left void of tables and chairs, and, within minutes, it was close to capacity.

Not wanting to miss his chance for at least one song, Ed stood up and offered his hand to Olivia. "Dance with me?"

"Of course," she replied with a huge smile.

They carved out a space for themselves and grinned at each other as they found their rhythm. "These two are good," Ed said of the duo providing the tunes.

"Yes they are."

"I was worried we weren't gonna be able to dance," Ed said, "Lotta people here tonight."

"Peak season."

"Yep."

"But I never doubted we'd dance," Olivia added before kissing Ed's chin. "I knew you'd make it happen."

Ed glanced over his shoulder, "We have company." He was referring to Maggie, Wyatt, and Noah who were now shimmying around in front of the table.

"Yes," Olivia put her head on Ed's shoulder, "Ed?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm thinking our kids are not the best dancers in the world."

Ed's body shook with laughter. "They do look a little clumsy...and wild."

"But they're so happy and having so much fun," Olivia said, "Those smiles…"

Ed smiled and kissed her firmly. "This smile, too," he murmured, his lips still on hers. He knew the song was almost over and suggested they stay on the floor for one more.

Olivia glanced at the table. Neither Sarah nor Brooke appeared annoyed or desperate for them to return, and Wyatt was now sitting in Caroline's lap and she moved his arms to the beat of the music. Noah and the girls were still dancing in their own circle. Olivia gave him another kiss and nodded. She wanted as many dances as they they could squeeze in; there were few sensations more comforting than being in his arms.

…...

Ed was three whiskeys in when he heard a familiar voice as if the seat next to him was taken. He slowly turned, knowing who it was before he saw her, and trying to figure out, in a second, how he would respond. Was it better to be aloof? Show his relief she'd somehow found him on this random Saturday afternoon? Or, regard the encounter with as little emotion as possible? Then, there she was, biting her lip, unsure of herself, and he couldn't help but crack a tiny smile.

"No, it's free," he replied, gesturing to the tattered faux-leather stool to his right. He flagged down the bartender and asked what she wanted.

Olivia eyed his glass, "Whatever that is is fine," she said.

The bartender nodded and quickly served Olivia her drink.

"Day drinking," she murmured, sounding as if she was planning to say something else but decided against it.

"Yeah, well, Knicks are on, so that's my excuse."

"Understood."

A minute or so passed. Ed and Olivia stared at the television. At a commercial break, Ed finally broke the ice. "How'd you know I was here?"

"I bumped into Cole at the precinct," she said, "He mentioned something."

Ed raised his eyebrows and wondered what exactly transpired between his partner and his ex-girlfriend. Following policy, Cole and another IAB investigator had been taking all the SVU-related cases, and Ed did his best to stay out of anything related to Olivia's work. This was especially true now that they were no longer together. The policy was still in place, and, worse, it hurt too much.

Ed nodded but said nothing.

Olivia rested her chin on her knuckles and peered at him. "Are you okay?" She asked softly, knowing the answer but unsure how else to broach the subject.

"What do you think?"

Olivia sighed and pressed her lips into a straight line. Anguish clouded her face and guilt bubbled up in his chest. "Ed…" she waited for a reaction, a scowl, a snicker, but he just stared ahead. She put her hand on his forearm and continued, "Ed, I'm sorry."

Eyelids heavy with exhaustion and alcohol, he turned to her. The remorse in her eyes was unmistakable.

"I shouldn't have let you go," Olivia said. "I…-"

"-you have a lot goin' on," he said, "Noah, the job…"

"I wake up each morning devastated," Olivia admitted. She ducked her head, and, with her free hand, tucked her hair behind her ears. "And, for the past couple of weeks, I denied the reason why, and, I finally said it out loud...I'm sad. And I regret it. I'm not here to ask for a second chance, or, well, I'm here...to ask for a little more time."

"You got it," Ed mumbled.

"Ed, I was scared," Olivia blurted out. "It sounds ridiculous, I know, but that's the way I felt. And now I'm even more scared imagining this life I could have had with you and it never happening. And, anyway, I had to tell you," Olivia stared at him in profile and decided not to press him further, "And I did...so...thank you for the drink."

Suddenly, Ed desperately did not want her to leave. "Ya know," he said, hoping he wasn't slurring his words, "With my ex, uh, there was a point when I realized our marriage had a time limit. I knew she wasn't in it and our days were numbered. And fast forward to you, my next real relationship, and I was optimistic 'cause I never got that feeling, not even when we were struggling to find time to spend together, I always had a sense we'd come out on the other side and still be together."

Tears welled in Olivia's eyes. "Maybe we will," she croaked.

"Take your time," Ed kissed her hand, "I'm not going anywhere."

"It's not fair...to ask you to wait…"

"I'm offering."

He smirked and Olivia's heart melted. Briefly, she considered forgetting about the space she needed, sitting down, and immediately rekindling their romance right there in the bar. But there was no room for mistakes. If they ended up getting back together, everything had to be right.

Olivia hugged him and whispered, "I don't want to lose you."

"You won't."

Olivia held onto him for a few extra seconds. How could he be so confident? She'd callously tossed him aside in a moment of extreme stress...and his trust in her, in them, was unbroken. Maybe that was it, she thought. She trusted Ed with her life, with Noah's life, but she'd never placed the same trust in their mutual bond. Her lips curled into a smile as she discovered this tiny but crucial piece of the puzzle.

"Ed, I...I better go, but, I want you to know. I believe in us. I do."

"I do, too," he said softly.

She wanted to kiss him, but, instead, she gave his hand a final squeeze, said goodbye, and headed for the door. Outside the late January wind blew with such force stray pieces of paper and discarded food wrappers spiraled and hovered a foot or so off the ground before landing again. Olivia turned toward home, proud and relieved, for she almost hadn't gone to see Ed and was certain he would brush her off if she did. But she'd been wrong on both levels, and, even though it would take a little while to get back to where they were a few months ago, her effort at damage control had been successful.

…

Olivia thought everyone was in their rooms when she started turning lights off in the kitchen and checking the back door locks. The porch light was on and she poked her head outside where she saw Caroline sitting on the swing holding a mug and gazing into the blackness. Hearing the door, she turned toward the sound and smiled at her daughter-in-law.

"About to lock me out?" She asked.

Olivia chuckled softly, "It was close," she said.

"I'll be in shortly," Caroline said, "I'll make sure to secure the premises."

"Thanks," Olivia started to go inside but she changed her mind and took a seat on one of the chairs. "Nice night."

"Yes, I love nights like this, when you can sleep with the windows open."

"Right, not many of those, so we have to take advantage of them while we can."

"Exactly," Caroline smiled, "You're good at that, Olivia, taking advantage of moments."

"I've certainly learned," Olivia said, "I've gotten better."

"Now we can work on not apologizing," Caroline raised her eyebrows and smirked.

Olivia leaned forward, rested her elbows on her knees, and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Tonight, when you and Eddie finished dancing, you came back to the table and said you were sorry for taking so long," Caroline continued to rock the swing back and forth. The sagely smirk did not disappear from her face as she spoke, "Never do that again," she said, "You must not apologize for taking the time to have a moment like that with your husband, or your children, or anyone you love, but, especially your husband."

"Okay."

"I missed my husband tonight-don't apologize-" Caroline gave Olivia a sharp look and pointed a spindly finger in her direction, "-I always miss him, but there are nights, and mornings and afternoons when I remember something in particular he did or said and I miss him a little more, a little extra."

"I can't imagine…" Olivia murmured.

"I am so happy my Eddie, you and my Eddie, get to have all this time," she said, "We didn't. I used to regret that we hadn't even given a thought to what life would be like when he retired, but now I think I'm lucky he didn't leave me with all these unfinished plans." Caroline put both feet on the floor and stopped the swing. "Well, that's enough melancholy for one day," she said, "But I did want to mention that thing, about apologizing, to you."

Olivia went over and gave Caroline a hug. "Thank you," she said in a low voice.

"Anytime."

"Can I get you anything before I go upstairs?"

"No," Caroline said, "I have everything I need. I'll be in soon."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Night, dearie," Caroline said, "And tell Eddie not to get all bent out of shape that I'm still out here. I won't fall asleep and I won't forget to lock up."

Olivia chuckled, "I'll tell him."

"He can be prickly, that one."

"Oh I know."

…

#Tuckson