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I watched my toddlers play around and run in circles. They fought off imaginary Grimm and the good guys always won. Which was a nice sentiment. But life didn't really work out that way for the most part. Confronting my Mother… I was probably going to lose. I was probably not going to make it. And that was scary in its own right but there was also this question of the legacy I'd leave behind to my kids when I bit it. Which was even scarier. On the one hand I could die. And death was scary for a multitude of reasons. It was a one way ticket to the other side of forever. There was no coming back. It was something I must do at the end of the day. I had to die. I had no choice. And that was all scary.
But even scarier than that was that question of what I'd leave my kids. Would I leave them a dark world dominated by my Mother, their grandmother? Would I overcome incredible odds and leave this place a little brighter? Could I raise them right in the time I had left with my growing, budding family? Was I enough?
Was I up to this?
Could I do more?
Was I doing too much?
And they were serious questions. They couldn't be hand waved aside over trivial expressions. I had to find a way to find the answers or find a way to live without them and I knew what it would cost to really face my problems. I'd have to give all this up. And you know what? I didn't want to give this all up. I liked this. I liked watching my kids grow and develop. I liked looking after them. I liked that stupid bullshit.
I didn't want to give it up now that I had it but if I didn't face my Mother then who would? Seriously? Who would face her? And the whole world was counting on me to do it and try and beat her but honestly? The world could go fuck itself. I didn't care about the whole world. I cared about a handful of people in it. But that was about it.
So I watched my kids play and I sat back on one of the chairs of the patio and I wished that I had a drink in my hands to help life go down smoother. Because life was rough and hard and I was going to have to give up everything that I built and worked hard for when I finally took off. And that was some bullshit.
I watched Nebel run circles around his sister while she charged an imaginary semblance to face off against the nightmares which encroached on us. Imaginary though they may be, they were real to my children at that moment and so they were real to me. But the nightmares from my life… my kids didn't have any choice. They were real regardless of what they chose. The eldritch abominations which clawed at my soul wouldn't take their little lives prisoner and if they did take them prisoner it was for even worse reasons than if they outright killed them. If they took them prisoner that was because they were more useful alive than dead and that wasn't a spot you wanted to be in regards to Salem. Not one iota. So what was I leaving my kids in this world? What was I giving them the gift of really? Life wasn't a gift despite what Ruby believed. Life is a terrible curse. Cursed with so much freedom. Forced to choose and use that freedom at every turn. Every second one devoured their own freedom until there was nothing left at all to grasp at.
We cannibalized our children's hopes and dreams when we nurtured them and gave them the breath of existence. We ate our own babies alive. And we'd do it again. Ruby, as sweet as she was, hungered for the dreams of her children and would swallow them whole. We were all monsters waiting in the dark. Me especially. I was the biggest human shaped monster except maybe my mother and how far you wanted to stretch the definition of human. So that was a problem. I was going to eat my children even if I survived my fateful duel with their grandmother.
I wanted to watch the grow and succeed but that was a selfish request. Just like my desire for them to choose something besides hunting was entirely selfish. Please Gods. If you're there. If you're listening. Let my children want to be anything besides hunters. Anything at all. Please Gods. I prayed. Please.
But that wasn't how life worked. What was will be and what will be is. Like a snake eating its own tail. Where did this flesh start and where did it end? Where did I start and end? What does it mean to be a part of something bigger than yourself? There was this massive worm crawling through my head after it's own trail and eating the flesh of my mind as it passed through me and out and around and out and so far so fast. I could feel doubt weigh on me. I could feel the presence of my Mother reaching out with her tentacles for my mind and I allowed it.
"Mother…" I purred in thought.
"My darling son… it's been so long since we talked. How are you?"
"Oh me? I'm doing fine. Just thinking about you. And those things I must do. You know me."
"I do," She hummed. "Tell me about these things you obsess over. What must you do?"
"I have to try my hardest to slay you."
"It's impossible. I am immortal."
"So I have heard. I still have to try. Tell it to the dirt."
"I will not resist."
"What?"
"I won't resist you when you come for me. Of everyone you could succeed at reducing me. I won't resist you."
"Why not?" I could only guess that she was playing a mind game. Oh well. I'd play.
"Why would I? Why should I cling to this half life?" She asked rhetorically.
"But you struggle and endeavor against Ozma. But not me," I guessed.
"Are my grandchildren happy?" She asked cordially.
I blinked at the topic change.
"As happy as they can be in a world like ours. Resisting the darkness and you."
"And me," she agreed. "Don't you think I'm exhausted?"
"I think you and Ozma must be so tired. But you still do the dance. You could have given up a long time ago," I accused.
"It's not in my nature to totally give up. But to you, my son, I will surrender," she informed me.
"Why?" I had to wonder and I got to ask.
"Why does there have to be a reason for why people do things?" She hazarded.
"Oh you want to be a person now?" I shot back.
"I used to be," she sounded sad.
I said nothing back through our connection. She sounded genuinely sad. She sounded like she didn't know whether or not she was a person. She sounded like she knew she'd given it up.
"Am I not a person?" She wondered.
"No."
"But you are."
"I might be. If I'm lucky. I'm not lucky."
"But not I?"
"No. Not you. And maybe not either of us."
"And that's my fault?"
"What you did to you is on you. What Merlot and you did to me is also on you two. What I did to me was on me. The things I'm trying to be and doing now is better than that."
"Look at what you've fallen to," she murmured.
"Look what I have risen above," I countered. And indeed looking out at my children playing in the small meadow behind the house it was hard to argue with. I sent her an image of the children playing.
"They look sweet…" my Mother mumbled.
"Garnet is like her mother and is a wild child but she's a sweetheart. She's just full of energy. Nebel is more calm. But he does a lot for his little sister."
"They are close in age…" she trailed.
"They have two mothers. I have two wives. They are gay for each other and love me. That's why they are so close in age."
"They both wanted your kids," Salem observed. "I haven't had anything like that in millennia."
"Do you deserve anything like that?" I wondered.
"Do you?" She shot back. I laughed.
"Not really. Especially after the shit I've done."
"What all have you done?"
"I once killed because I felt like it and nobody could stop me. That's pretty evil."
"I suppose I'm the expert on evil," my Mother commented with a low laugh of amusement through our connection. No shit, mom.
I chuckled as well.
"Yeah well you did dominate my mind and make me kill my friends. That's pretty fucked. You did that to me. Pretty much ruined any chance of you seeing your grandchildren."
"I suppose I did do that, huh." The smugness came through. "But look how strong you've gotten since then."
"I'm fragile. I'm high functioning but it's like a tightrope walker. I'm going to fall."
"And you think I'll be the one to push you?"
"Well won't you?" I demanded. "If you had the power to you would. You'd dominate me again given half the chance. You're cordially with me but that's because I can make you. If you had it your way you'd turn me inside out the way you did to my sisters."
She said nothing for a moment.
"You were always different from your sisters. You had a special spark. From the very beginning you were different. I suspect that if you'd been brought to me sooner I could have smothered it but it was allowed to grow and blossom and now you have a life without me."
"That's your fault. If you wanted to be a good Mother to me you could have. You're too warped. And now I'm supposed to believe that you'll just let me cut your head off without summoning a meteor on my head or some massive Grimm. You'll fight for your life. I think."
"I won't resist you when you come for me. You've come so far. The gods are cruel and you know this. And you found a way to live anyways. I admire that."
"Just so long as you're admiring from afar."
"I deserve that I suppose."
"You deserve worse than that. After what you made me do to my friends. I have to live under you. I don't have to like it."
"We shall see when we meet in person just how strong you are. You seem ready for the truth but by its very nature the truth is blinding and harsh."
"I don't need the lecture about the nature of truth from you. I understand perfectly how the light illuminates. The god of light is just as cruel as his brother. If not more so."
"So I see you understand. But did you know my dilemma when I went to the gods with Ozma's body and begged them to revive him, only the god of darkness answered my prayers. And it was out of blind hatred of his brother that he agreed with my sentencing."
"Sentenced to immortality. I understand."
"Do you? It was because I attacked the gods with a great army that they abandoned Remnant. Just after my sentencing to this half life. They cursed me for trying to trick them and trying to revive Ozma. My beloved. And why shouldn't I have? What purpose did my life serve without him in it? What purpose does my life mean now? An immortal life does not mean a meaningful life. That's not in the nature of things because the gods are cruel."
"Implying again you'll just let me cut your head off. I don't buy it. I think you'll fight back."
"Then what hope do you have?"
"I have this." I showed off the memory of Nebel saying his first words. "I have so much more than I would have if I followed you. I did it by carving my own path. Free of Ozma. Free of you."
"Are you free of me?"
"I will be. One day I will walk away from your corpse. You're not invincible. Just immortal. And the gods are cruel. I can't imagine it will be comfortable for you. When you're clinging to life as little more than a shell and without true form. I think you'll fight back against that when you consider what it really means."
"And if I do?"
"I will be the one to slay you. You have got to go for there to be any hope for peace on Remnant and for my kids to grow up happy and healthy. You're the crux. I shall destroy you. Or I shall die trying. It was your choice to surrender to me from the beginning. I can't make you even though it would be the right thing for you to do. I think you're slippery. I think you'll try and cling to life despite my attempts to disperse you. That is what I think. I don't think giving up is in your nature. I think you're as cruel as any god."
"You should be thinking of ways to flee from me. I can still make your life hell."
"You already did. We've been there and done that. If you could continue to do it, you would. You can't. I'm too strong. That's why you devolve to these mind games. You have no more real power over me."
"We shall see face to face whether you have the strength to resist me. It shall be… an experiment."
"I'm an experiment. My whole life is an experiment. I started as a wind up toy and never stopped. I just kept going and going. I should have died countless times. I should have been gone with the wind. Now I'm the one who will stop you."
"Daddy? Who are you talking to?" Garnet called down to me.
"Yes. Who?" Weiss appeared beside me with baby Citrone in her arms. He was sleeping.
"My Mother. Say hi to her Weiss. She can hear you."
"One of your wives? I'd call you a lucky man but I know you better than that."
"Thanks," I allowed and I meant it. "Goodbye."
"You're not supposed to talk to her." I cut the mental connection at Weiss's words without waiting for a response from my Mother.
"It's not always that easy," I murmured. "She engages me. She tempts me. She plays her mind games. I have to play with her."
"Do you? Or do you like playing with her?" Weiss demanded.
"I have to. Unlike you it's not so easy for me to escape my parents' reach. I can't just move to another continent and marry some guy and call it good. And I'm sure it wasn't that easy," I forestalled when she opened her mouth. She closed it again. "But it's got to be different than what I'm trying to pull off. The balance is delicate between us. Every day I still run the risk of falling to her. It's not really the same as what you went through and she isn't something I can just ignore and not just because I'm obsessive. But also in part because I'm obsessive. If I was a different man I might be able to ignore her and let it go. But she dangles things in front of me. She tells me she'll surrender to me when I come for her. I don't believe her but it would be nice. Wouldn't it?"
Weiss said nothing. She stared at me for a long moment. Then she looked away. "Nebel, Garnet, it's time to come in."
"Put your swords where you can find them if you want to find them again," I chimed in.
"Come on Garnet, I'll show you where I stash mine," Nebel said.
They ran around the side of the house.
"I don't like it when you talk to her," Weiss informed me. "I want you to do something about it."
"Big ask," I murmured. "I don't know if I can. I just slip up and start talking to her sometimes. It's unconscious. I promise to try."
Nebel and Garnet came back around the house to where we were and we went inside together the five of us. My blooming and blossoming family was nestled here under my protection. I would see them safe or I would die trying. I didn't believe my Mother would surrender to me. I'd just have to be ready for what that meant when the time came.
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-WG