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I came home from work to the kids all in bed and my wives lounging on the couches. I started making dinner for everyone in a crockpot without sitting down.

"If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times," Weiss started. "No work clothes in the house."

"I'm just getting dinner started."

"That's how it begins. You start edging your way in and wearing those clothes more and more and soon there's nothing I can say." Weiss pointed back at our bedroom. "Change."

"But-"

"Change," Weiss denied.

"Let me turn on the crockpot at least. There fine. Here I go," I stepped back with my hands raised. I walked to our bedroom and changed into some casual clothes. Just some jeans and a v-neck t-shirt. I got out of my boots and into some comfy socks. I waltzed back out. "Happy?" I demanded.

"If all it took to make me happy was you doing what I already told you to do, then yes."

"Damn, Weiss. I just got home. Let me alone."

"Cloud, we were talking," Ruby cut in.

"Yeah?" I wondered. I started mincing chicken and vegetables.

"About you talking to your mother…"

"Ah," I managed. "I see. And did you get anywhere with that?"

"Well we decided to talk to you about it," Weiss cut back in. "Cloud… do you like talking to her?"

"It's hardly a question of what I like. She engages me only psychically. She tries to win me over and place me in a trap. I have to fight back. One of the ways to do that is to have a dialogue with her. Force her to play by our rules a little. If she wants me to do something then she has to actually convince me to do it. She has to make me think that it's a good idea. And I'm better at resisting that than I am if she just takes me over. Which I strongly suspect she just can't pull off anymore. So I water her down and force her to talk to me."

"Okay. Alright," Ruby breathed. "I think that makes sense. But…"

"But do you like it?" Weiss demanded. She breezed her hair back. I dumped the chicken and vegetables into the crockpot. I turned that bad boy on and began the waiting game.

"I mean… I guess," I shrugged. "It's better than the way things used to be between us."

"But would you rather talk with us or with her?" Weiss wondered.

"You guys. For sure. Totally you guys."

"But when we're not around or unavailable you chat her up?" Ruby asked.

"Pretty much. I mean. We both have to be up for a battle of wits. Except last time… last time was weird…? I think?"

"What do you mean?" Ruby pressed.

"Well she was more interested in her grandkids than me."

"Which you think is weird of her? You said that she'd be interested in your kids," Weiss thumbed her jawline.

"Yeah but only as a means of getting me to do what she wanted. I don't know. It was different. She seemed… soft. Softer. Not soft. She wasn't really interested in winning me over to her side like usual or trying to convince me that I don't know what people are. She was interested in seeing more of her grandkids. My kids."

"And that was what was weird," Ruby interpreted.

"Right. That was a little strange," I agreed. "Usually she comes at me with an angle. I didn't really feel her angle last time. I don't know. It was almost… it was almost cordial. She wasn't trying to convince me that I don't really exist. She wasn't trying to convince me to take over Vale. She wasn't trying to get me to join my sisters. She just wanted to see more of her grandkids. I thought it was odd. She sounded… she sounded depressed and sad. Maybe that was her angle. Get me to feel sorry for her."

"Well… did it work?" Weiss asked.

"Maybe a little. I do pity her," I agreed. "But she did it all to herself. If she wanted to be Mom of the year she could have been. Instead she wanted to take over my mind and make me into a murdering machine. So she did bring it all on to herself. But I still pity her. Because I'm… I'm better than her. In a lot of ways. You know what I mean? I get to die. I get to pass on. I get to have a family. I get that stuff. She gets this twisted version but it's all her fault. It's her fault she's immortal. It's her fault her family is fucked. So… I do pity her. But I also blame her in a lot of ways. Things could have been different."

"What if she had been super mom?" Weiss wondered.

"I don't know…" I mumbled. "I don't know that that was ever in the cards for her. She pretty much tied her own hands and wrestled a snake and got surprised when she got bit. She deserved it and it was all orchestrated by her. I think… I don't know. I have no idea. I don't know what I'd do if she had been a good person to me. I don't think that was ever going to happen because of the power she used to have over me. She couldn't help but abuse it. But… like I said. She couldn't help it. So… it was her fault but it was also in her nature. I don't think there is a universe where she was a good Mother to me."

"Do you love her? Cloud?" Ruby pleaded.

I ran a hand through my hair and bent over the counter.

Well fuck, Ruby! How should I know? I barely understand the concept of love. I mean… My relationship with my Mother was better but it still wasn't good. I wouldn't want it to be good after the bullshit that she's done. No amount of guilty feelings could overrule that.

Further still I didn't want to think about it! I wanted to kill her. I didn't want to think about whether or not I love her or will miss her or want her to win. I want to cut her fucking head off. So there.

"Probably on some subconscious level. Probably deep down. But I also really hate her. I'm sort of stuck in this cage with her. And love and hate sometimes get real thin and dance with one another."

"This is why I don't like you talking to her. It sounds like she ropes you into things," Weiss informed me.

"A little. You have to admit to us that she does a little," Ruby agreed.

"Well… yeah. Right? But people also do that to other people all the time. Not that my Mother is a person. Salem isn't. Not anymore. She used to be but she gave it up. Me too. A little. I also gave it up some. I mean… my life with you two is basically a desperate attempt to reclaim those little shreds of personhood that I abandoned."

"What do you mean?"

"From when I was a monster and just took whatever I wanted and did whatever I felt like to anyone. That. That right there. You both forget far too easily what I've done."

"You're so hard on yourself…" Ruby hummed.

"I have to be. None of you will do it. Except possibly Blake but she's busy fighting the good fight. She isn't around to hold me very accountable. So somebody has to hold me accountable and it looks like it has to be me. I deserve something bad to happen to me for the shit that I did to other people. I deserve it. I deserve whatever happens when I confront my Mother for real. I don't believe for a second that Salem will go down easily. I just don't. I don't buy it. I think she'll claw and cling to her little half life with her little half family and any other flying monkeys she's gathered. That's what I think. And I think I just have to hold that. Because frankly I deserve to lose. Do you see me getting ready for a life or death fight with that insane bitch or do you see me relaxing with my family. I deserve to lose. I'm not training or acting like the world is at stake. I'm fucking guilty. Man. I'm guilty of being derelict in my duties to humanity."

"You deserve to rest," Ruby disagreed. "You've had it so hard. Harder than anybody. You deserve something nice and pleasant and you deserve to rest your head beside us."

"Rest now like you belong here," Weiss agreed musically and it caught me for a moment. It made me hesitate and stutter when she started singing for a moment.

"F-for how long?" I wondered. "How long do I deserve to shirk my responsibilities? My dad is also out there somewhere doing gods knows what. He has to be stopped. The summer maiden is absent. I should be out looking for her. Instead I'm here. Raising Nebel and Garnet and looking after Citrone, Cherry, and Pearle. Here I am making dinner instead of cooking up justice. That's a problem when you're the only person capable of delivering real justice to this world."

"It's not all on you. If you decide you don't want to face Salem, Oscar will," Ruby protested.

"Oscar must be exhausted. Imagine the centuries going by. All the while fighting against a clever and nearly invincible opponent who is willing to sacrifice things you aren't. Oscar must be so damn tired. What about him? Let him rest for a change. Let the boy sleep."

"So… do you think you can face her if you love her?" Weiss demanded.

"I think so. That has to be good enough. I bet everything on 'I think so's."

"You also thought our children would share your psychic connection with Salem," Weiss pointed out. "Isn't it possible you will falter when the time comes. That she'll use this little edge over you?"

"It's possible. Hold up," I walked into the pantry and drank whiskey straight from the bottle in two enormous gulps. I gasped off the alcohol with no mixer and no filter. Then I walked back out away from where we kept our alcohol on the highest shelf. "All this talk about me loving her is giving me a headache and makes me not want to be sober."

"Do you think she loves you?" Ruby wondered.

I almost collapsed. I had no idea. I had no clue if she loved me in some twisted messed up way. I had no earthly glimmer into that alien mind. "Maybe…" I trailed absently. "Maybe she loves me. But so what? She still fucked my days. She still would be fuckin' 'em if she could. So maybe she does love me. Just not the way any sane person would want to be loved."

"So you don't know?" Weiss confirmed.

"No idea. I mean- she always sounds affectionate when she talks to me. She calls me her precious and darling son. But I don't know if she means it. And even if she did mean it I don't know that it would mean much to me or be very impactful. I honestly have no clue. These questions… you ladies are going to drive me to drinking."

"Would it make you uncomfortable if she loves you?" Weiss demanded.

"Fuck me. Yes. This isn't any proper kind of love we're talking about here. This is love like… love like you love a dog you feel sorry for. That's the kind of love she offers. If she's offering me love anyways. She loves me the way you love a sick dog that you have to put down and that's all it's good for."

"So you'd really rather she didn't love you?" Ruby tried to puzzle me together. But it wasn't that simple.

"For sure. But… I don't know. I'd rather she loved me the way two people do. I'd rather she had been a good Mother to me and I didn't have to go and fight her. That's what I'd really rather. Is it too much to ask for real love and support? Probably but that's what I actually want. If I could be born again a thousand times that's all I'd really want. I have you guys which is pretty slick. But I don't know that that makes up for what I've been through. You feel me?"

"I do," Weiss hummed. "I'd rather my parents had hearts full of affection for me but life doesn't work that way."

"It did for me," Ruby whined.

"Well we can't all have your parents. Some of us got the short end of the stick," Weiss shot back. "So you think you love her but mostly it's just pity?"

"Mostly it's just pity. She knew what dumbfuckery she wrought. She could have chosen better. Instead she chose to be my enemy. And I have to live under her for now but things won't always be that way. Soon I'll either be dead or she will be scattered. Either way I'm done living this half life."

"Is it really so bad for you in there?" Ruby pleaded. She looked at me in a way that broke my heart. I looked away from her and stumbled back towards the liquor shelf and took a big swig of vodka.

I bent over with the bottle in my hand. Was it bad? It really wasn't very good. I was happier than ever but if this was as happy as I was ever going to get then I could give it up. But how could I look at Ruby and say that to her bright little face with her pleading grey gaze.

It was so fucked up. The way she was able to look at me was so fucked up. I could hardly stand it. I walked back out and faced her. She was still staring at me patiently and waiting. I looked away. I couldn't bear to stare her down.

"I'm alright, Rubes. Are you ever just alive and barely tolerating it? That's sort of me. That's where I live. I'm happier than ever but I could really take it or leave it. I have to live on guard all the time around my children. One slip up and they die. One slip up and you die."

"You haven't slipped up since that one night…" Weiss countered. "You've done so well…"

"That's just- I don't know how to tell you- it isn't good enough. I can hardly live like this. I have to be scared of myself and all the things I could do just to keep a watch out for Salem's influence. I have to be on red alert and it's exhausting. So here I am trying to rest but I have to keep one eye on the door. It's pretty much what I told you would happen. I can live my life with you guys but I have to keep one eye open while I sleep and I can never fully commit to being with you. If I charged out and faced her then I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. One way or another I'd be free at long last."

"You did tell us you'd never be able to fully be with us… but you owe me one more. One more baby…" Ruby held up a single pleading finger. I looked away again but that only left me staring at Weiss.

"Won't you stay long enough for your children to get to know you?" Weiss demanded. "Please?"

Ouch. That hurt a lot. It cut so deep and wide. I'd rather be stabbed or blown up or shot again. There was this pressure and there was no good escape from it.

"Yes… I will… unless something happens that makes me think I should leave sooner. I'll stay by your sides as long as I can. But… how long am I supposed to want to live like this. Mother talked about how she lives a cursed half life. But me too. I have to keep both eyes open and one eye on the cage door. Every day is the day that I die and I'll be afraid no more. And it's all happening so fast. All at once in a lightning flash. All I can do is hold on and pray until I just can't anymore."

"Well you should want to live and die with us…" Ruby whined.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I can hardly tolerate living the way that I am. And this is probably the best we can hope for."

"What about your meds?" Weiss asked.

"Do you believe in miracles?" I shot back.

"You think that they don't do much?"

"They do something for me but they only bed the monster down without feeding it. It's going to wake up hungry one day. And it's like I keep pressing snooze on this alarm clock. One day I'll have to get out of bed and stop trying to rest. One day I'll have to go."

"Is there no other way?" Ruby demanded.

"Not one where I'm a good father," I retorted. "If I don't face her then I'm a shoddy father at best who didn't even try and beat the real demons that go bump in the night. Instead I left my kids to face it. And that's fucked up."

"So you have to? Then?" Ruby carried on.

"Then I have to," I agreed.

"I don't know. I still think you can be a good father and not face her…" Weiss trailed. "This is hard. What you're asking from yourself is hard. You might love her. That's not fair."

"Don't talk about me loving her. I'm not drunk enough," I bit out. "And what kind of man am I if I let Oscar do it all. I'm nothing. She'll be right about me. Not facing her will prove her right. Regardless of whether she loves me or not. She is counting on me to fail in some way. I can't give her that opening."

The crockpot went off to my right.

"Dinner's ready," I said. I think that ended our conversation on my Mother. Thank the gods.

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-WG