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Okay.
So Cloud… okay.
But at any rate… okay.
I mean could I just get my thoughts in order?! That would be swell!
I didn't really want him taking notes from Salem of all people on how to raise babies. Even though it sounded… alright-ish. He made his childhood memories seem alright. But that could be just another of Salem's tricks. So I didn't like that. Calling our oldest his precious son wasn't harmful. It seemed affectionate and well mannered. There was really no harm in that. But that didn't mean I wanted him to take it any further and start emulating Salem in his day to day around the babies. I'm pretty sure that Weiss didn't either. I don't know. We hadn't talked about it. But the impression I got off of her was that she was barely comfortable with him calling Nebel precious after she learned where the pet name came from.
But how did Cloud feel about all this? Besides that 'Salem was very wise.' Because while that may be true it wasn't a thought one had about their arch nemesis in terms of raising kids. Especially when that arch nemesis was so wicked.
He seems alright. Even with all of his usual stuff going on. He seems happy. So why was he so miserable whenever I talked to him?
'Miserable.' I say 'miserable' but he seems happier than any time I've ever known him. He just has a lot on his plate. Just all the time. And maybe that was my fault. I begged him to stay then dumped five kids on his lap and told him to handle it. And so maybe that was on me. Just a little. But he was handling it. He was handling long days at work and then coming home and making dinner for us. He was on top of things. So was it really so wrong of me to ask for more? I wanted my four babies! It's how many I always wanted. I wanted to start trying again. He would if I asked him. But then just maybe I shouldn't ask him. He was really going through so much. And here I was just adding to his responsibilities.
Maybe it was too much. Maybe I stead of waiting for him to finally snap at me and say 'no' I should maybe say 'no' to myself. But I always wanted four and he was willing to give. And he was doing such a good job as a father and as a parent and a husband. What was the harm in one more? Just one more. That's all I wanted. I got lucky with the twins but all I wanted was one more baby.
And maybe this was just the price I had to pay for that? Just being in the dark about how my husband felt about all this. Because he'll tell me to my face that he's alright and doing fine but I don't know. Is he? He wouldn't lie to me or himself but that didn't mean he knew for sure. He could be in the dark and I strongly suspected that he was in a lot of ways. Just about himself.
But I wanted another baby! And was that so wrong of me to want? It's not like he was drowning.
Okay.
Maybe we all were a little. The twins could be a little much to deal with and they usually woke up the toddlers and little Pearle. It was all hands on deck every single night looking after the babies and children. I'm pretty sure Cloud didn't mind being up all the time. Weiss missed sleep but Cloud was up and ready to go at the drop of a hat. Drop of a baby hat.
The point was that Cloud was on point as a father. And he was a pretty good husband to boot. He dealt with my mood swings easily enough. He even took a ride on that bad boy swing set. He knew all the tender ways to calm me down and ride it out. He knew how to handle not one but two pregnant women all while juggling two or four babies and his responsibilities to the world.
That was… just wow. It was seriously impressive and I have no idea how he did it. He barely ever left on day long trips for the council or work. He could probably slip away some days but he never did. And then he came diligently home to cook us dinner and help change babies or whatever needed done. He really didn't get enough credit. Maybe I should get him something. But what does he even want? He wanted to make my dreams come true which means one more baby but honestly that's probably it and I was tapping out after that. A baby was a lot of work and he deserved something like a… like a vacation before he went and handled his real responsibilities.
So there was all that? And here I was about to add to his stress by making him knock me up again. 'Making him.' I didn't force him. He could say 'no'. He could be all like 'no Ruby. Three is enough.' But he couldn't help himself. He had a serious addiction to helping me with my dreams. And was I exploiting that fact? Well… maybe a little. But he wanted me to exploit that fact. So was it really exploitation? Probably. It probably was anyways.
And here I go again. And I couldn't wait for my babies to grow older but every day was another day closer to losing him forever. And that really hurt. A lot. It hurt more than… it hurt more than… it hurt more than when he left us in Atlas or Mistral. And that had been devastating.
But he was going to die on me and I wanted to squeeze as much life out of him as I could before that finally happened. On his job. Doing his responsibilities. He was going to die. He was going to die! He was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it but try and juice him. Try and juice all that precious substance out of him before that happens. I mean- what was I supposed to do? I had to try and make the most out of the time we had left. But it was hard being on the clock all the time. I know Cloud didn't mind but I knew Weiss did. She didn't want to think about this kind of thing. She would rather be blind to the fact that he had to leave. She didn't want to see it coming. And maybe that was dishonest of her but I didn't think so. What was so wrong about trying to get as much as you can from the people you loved?
There was nothing wrong with that in my mind. It's why I wanted to suck him dry before he took off on me. And I know he wasn't taking off on me. He was leaving to fulfill his duties to the planet and to us. But a part of me couldn't see past it in a lot of ways. Here I go again. Like I can hardly wait for my heart to break.
And so I wanted to gently squeeze him. I wanted all those succulent moist bits to come raining down on me. I wanted to stretch up and drink the milk of life straight from the teat with a side of honey. And I knew I'd never have it again without him. I'd have Weiss. I'd have Weiss. But that wasn't enough for me. It wasn't nearly enough for me at all. I needed more. So much more I could hardly stand it.
I was feeding Citrone. He was a bitey baby. He chewed toothlessly on whatever teat he was sucking on and wasn't I just the same. I couldn't exactly blame him as I nursed him alone in his room in a chair by his crib. I had just fed Cherry and she was down and out like a light.
Weiss stepped by the door and she was rocking and shushing Pearle who was fussy around dinner time. Cloud was upstairs reading a story to Nebel and Garnet.
"Hey Weiss."
"Ruby you're… you're crying."
"I don't want him to die," I whispered. "I want him to walk Cherry, Pearle, and Garnet down the aisle. I want him to be there when they graduate. I don't want him to die."
"Ruby I…" I knew she didn't want to even think about that. But I needed her to be with me. I needed to drag her sinking down with me into this mess. It was my only hope of staying afloat. "Ruby you know that he has to go," Weiss finished.
"But why? Why can't he stay and be with us? Damn his honor and his pride and that… that damn dignity. Let the world freeze or burn. Just stay with us," I pleaded.
"I want him to stay too," Weiss breathed. "But I can't really ask him to. Not really. It's in his nature to fight the good fight against Salem and the forces of evil. I'm not sure I'd love him if he wasn't willing to put his life and everything on the line against Salem."
"But I don't want him to go…" I trailed off.
"Ruby… he must go," Weiss sighed. She walked into the room and let Pearle have at her chest. Pearle was the gentle sort usually. But she could get feisty if you worked her up. But it didn't look like that was the case. Weiss didn't wince at all as Pearle went for her breast.
"It's so unfair. I got my family. But I'm going to have to lose him. And I know that I was supposed to have known that all along. I was supposed to have known that he couldn't stay. But it's only been hitting me recently and I don't know what to do about it," I complained openly with my wife.
"I hear you. But that doesn't change the fact that he has to go."
"But why? Same old why? Are we not good enough for him? And I know that's not fair either. But well… aren't we? It will be like when he left in Atlas but forever and I don't know if I can stand that."
"He could come back. The plan is for him to come back to us after he flies…" Weiss trailed.
"He doesn't believe in that, though. He thinks he's going to die," I fired back.
"Ruby… I… I hear you. I do. But we can't expect Cloud to abandon his nature for our sake. He does so much for us."
"So what's wrong with asking him for a little more. Just a little more… a little more time…" I recalled when Cloud told me that no matter how much time I got with him it was never going to be enough and it was true. There was no way enough was ever going to cut it. "Oh! It's so unfair!" My shout disturbed Cherry's rest. She rolled over onto her back and slumped into her crib. "He saw me coming from a mile away. He begged me to let him go anyway. What am I supposed to do? How can I just let him go? How can I let him go away from all of this? He frustrates me. He knew I'd want him to stay and he cut me off years ago. Literally years ago."
"Ruby… what can you do about it?" Weiss demanded. "What can either of us do about it? We just have to accept the fact that he's going to vanish. And don't get me wrong. That hurts. It hurts a lot. But what can we really do about it? He has to face Salem. We knew what we were asking from him when we asked him to marry us. It's unfair of us to try and change the deal now. We knew. Consciously or not we knew he was going to have to go. So now how can we possibly deny him it? If we couldn't handle letting him fly we shouldn't have begged for him to stay as long as he did."
"But I want more. I want more time with him. He's doing such a good job with the kids and he's doing so well with work and those responsibilities. Why shouldn't he stay a little while longer? It's not like he set a date for leaving. He's flexible."
"Ruby… I hate seeing you this way. It was the same in Atlas after he left. You were all torn up. I don't know how to help you. But you have to see that this is the way forward. He promised to be with us for a time but eventually he also promised to fly away from us. That was the deal. We get our family. He gets to face his destiny. That's fair. That's more than fair. And we pretty much forced this whole thing on him. That's not fair but he isn't complaining. He's handling it. We knew that he came with baggage. We knew that when we married him and asked him to marry us. We knew all this. It would be unjust to demand that he stayed and for once in his life he might just tell us 'no.' That he has to go. And it would be hard to argue against that. In fact, demanding that he stays would probably push him away faster."
"You really think so?" I wondered. I wiped my tears. "You think it would make him fly?"
"I think it would accelerate his time table. Definitely. What's he staying for now?"
"Just long enough for the kids to know his face. But… that's vague. Nebel might be at that point already."
"Exactly. So I need you to keep this between us and not go running off to him and begging him to stay. Can you do that?"
"Yeah Weiss," I croaked. And I could. For the babies and for her. I could do that. I could bottle this up. It wouldn't be pleasant but it was doable.
Cherry started feeding off my emotional energy and crying. That set off all the babies and Weiss and I worked to hush them again. Citrone stopped feeding and started bawling at his sister's command and Pearle was sensitive and started crying and stopped suckling at Weiss's teat like the stroke of a clock.
"Hush now babies. Hush now," I breathed and I picked up Cherry so I had a baby on both arms. I rocked them gently and tried to stem my own tears.
"Hush little babies, don't say a word; mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird," Weiss started singing with her fantastic voice.
"And if that mockingbird don't sing; mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns brass; mama's gonna buy you a looking glass. And if that looking glass gets broke; mama's gonna buy you a billy goat. And if that billy goat won't pull; mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull. And if that cart and bull turn over; mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover. And if that dog named Rover won't bark; mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart. And if that horse and cart fall down; you'll still be the sweetest little babies in town."
The babies hushed up entranced by the sound of Weiss's voice. They were left staring at her wide eyed and babbling. Citrone giggled and grabbed at his own toes.
"Shshsh," Weiss breathed in Pearle's ear. "I know it's hard Ruby. I know letting him leave to die is hard. But we have no choice. We agreed to his terms when we married him. We can't go renege on those terms now. And I'm sure… I'm sure that he wants to stay. He just can't. And we have to respect that because we love him. And for no other reason. So won't you please keep it to yourself? And to me? You can tell me. But… I have no idea what machinations might motivate and make him move prematurely."
"Yeah Weiss. I can do that. It's just going to be so hard without him around. I don't know how I'm going to make it."
"We'll do it together, Ruby."
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-WG