Chapter 8

He'd barely slept. This new information sat on top of his chest all night, as his fingers ran absentmindedly through Anna's hair. Thankfully, she had seemed to sleep just fine. Before bed she had taken some pills, so he wondered if that helped her sleep. Or, perhaps, it was the seizure that had worn her out.

While Anna slept, John had researched seizures and the after effects, as well as glioblastoma. He hadn't been able to stop. He had been sure that he, with no medical degree, would be able to just google a miracle cure. It had been a foolish act, of course. But it had been a desperate one. He couldn't lose her now.

There were still so many questions he needed to ask Anna. What had she tried? As his fingers had combed through her hair while she slept, he saw a short patch of hair and a scar, which led him to believe that she had surgery of some sort.

Did she still want to be with him? He wanted to be with her. One year seemed so incredibly short, but he would happily take it over no time at all. What were her plans now? Was she managing it at all? Or was she just going to allow to the cancer to progress when it did with no ways to ease the pain?

A shuddering breath left his lips. He tightened his hold over Anna. This had to be some horrible, horrible dream. He couldn't lose her. They just finally had one another.

He inwardly cursed himself for remaining married to Vera as long as he had. He never should have even gone through with the wedding. He had known he loved Anna then. He hadn't cared she was pregnant with someone else's baby. No, he had loved her. He should have admitted it to himself then and not been stubborn. Now, they had lost all this time. Now, he would barely get to be in her life.

"Hi," Anna's hazy voice broke him from his thoughts. She glanced up at him and wiped her eyelids with her fingers. "I haven't slept that well in a long time."

John smiled, unable to do anything less when he looked at Anna. His hand came up to cup her cheek.

"I'm glad you slept well."

"Though it's probably the seizure," Anna frowned. The skin above her forehead then creased. "I'll have to see an oncologist about that. My tumor may have grown."

John swallowed hard. Reality only growing heavier.

"What…what would that mean?"

Anna heavily sighed and placed her hand over his. "I'm not sure. Hopefully, they could remove some of it to keep the seizures from reoccurring. It won't be a cure, but it will help manage my symptoms."

"Have you had some of the tumor removed before?" He asked her, his eyes moving over to where he had found the scar the night before.

Suddenly, Anna became subconscious and moved her hand to her head and ducked her face away from him.

"Hey," he soothed, forcing her to look at him. "You're beautiful."

She twisted her lips.

"Yes. Well, they went in to see how bad it was. While they were in there, they removed what they could. Then we did try some traditional treatments. But I knew it was pointless. Instead, I decided to go the management route."

"Management route?"

"Less painful. I might live a few less months, but I'll be here with Ally during the months I am alive. I won't be in Hospital or sick all the time. I take medicines to help control my symptoms. And I'll have surgery if it helps me feel better. It won't do me much good to have seizures all the time."

Anna spoke about all of this very mechanically with not much emotion behind it. John wondered if it was because she was a doctor, or because it was easier this way.

"I decided it would be best to have my time with my daughter, to move her back home near those I consider family."

At that, John's thoughts went to Ally. What would happen with her when Anna passed? He assumed the Carsons would want her to live with them. They had always been like her grandparents. He was now starting to see why Anna had chosen what she had. She was doing what was best for Ally.

Anna twisted around and lifted her phone from the night stand. She let out a loud breath and pressed her hand against her head.

"Are you alright?" Now he found that he was increasingly worried. Was she in pain? Was this the start of things getting worse?

"Yes," Anna just said, with a shake of her head. "I just have about a million messages between Mary and the Carsons. There are even some from Matthew-which I guess Mary made him do. And then Sybil- also likely because of Mary, And even Edith- also Mary's doing, I'm sure. She must be really worried if she asked Edith for help." Anna let out a low chuckle. But then her face grew serious. "I'm going to have to tell them now."

"I could come with you," John offered.

"No," Anna answered. "I owe them it coming directly from me, alone. Perhaps, I could send Ally to play with George and Letty. But…."

"She could stay with me today." John needed to help in some way or another.

"With you?" Her voice was nearly incredulous and John was slightly hurt. Why couldn't Ally stay with him? "I didn't mean…" Anna began to clarify. "I know you two get along and I trust you, of course. Just…do you really want to be alone with a twelve year old girl possibly all day?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Honestly? Or are you just being kind?" There was now a hint of playfulness in her voice. It made him smile.

"Honestly. I love your daughter. I've known her all her life. We could go to the movies or the shopping center. I'm sure we can figure out something to do. When do your televisions arrive?"

"Oh," Anna stated, biting down on the side of her lip. "I had completely forgotten. Around lunchtime. So I should probably…."

"We'll wait around for them. It's no problem," John assured her.

"Thank you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna had stopped by the Carsons' house first. They had insisted she come inside and asked her how she was feeling. That was when she told them they should all sit down and have a cup of tea. Both Elsie and Charles knew this must be serious.

"What's going on?" Elsie asked Anna, the moment she sat down.

"You're not pregnant again, are you?"

While the question may have sounded out of left field, it wasn't, not really. This was very much like how she had told them she was pregnant all those years ago.

"Charlie!" Elsie scolded.

Anna just shook her head. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest. It wasn't going to be easy to tell them the truth. She thought she had more time, but she couldn't keep it from them anymore. They knew something was wrong.

"I…." She was a doctor. She had delivered bad news on many occasions. So why was this so difficult? It was because they loved her like parents should. They had taken that role when she was fifteen and hadn't ever stopped. Taking in a deep breath, she decided just to say it in one fell swoop, like ripping off a Band-Aid. "I have stage 4 glioblastoma, brain cancer," she clarified. "I have about twelve months or so to live. I've come home to spend my final days with Ally and all of you who are like my family. I have decided to stop treatment, well, the aggressive treatment. I am on management medicines to help me through my symptoms."

Both Charles and Elsie had gone completely silent. Elsie appeared as though she was going to burst into tears and Charles' face had gone pale.

"Anna…" Elsie slowly began. "Cancer? I...I don't…but your work at the hospital….surely there is some cure."

"There isn't," Anna quietly replied. "There is no cure for what I have. I've decided I don't want to be sick all the time. I need to be able to really spend my last months with Ally."

"It's why Ally is so angry," Charles gruffly stated. Anna could tell his throat was thick with tears. "She's mad you've given up."

"Yes," Anna admitted, her heart growing heavy. "She can't grasp the implications that treatment would have on my body- on our time together. But I hope that over time, she'll understand that I am choosing this for her."

"How long have you known?" Charles then asked.

"About three months."

"Why are we just now finding out?" Elsie questioned. She was hurt. So was Charles. Anna could see it in their eyes.

"I had to be able to make these decisions without your words in my head," Anna honestly answered, much like she had told John. She knew that if they had come up there, any of them, they would have gotten into her head and not allowed her to think clearly. All of them would have been thinking on emotion. She hadn't been able to do that. No, she had to think on facts.

"But three months…" Elsie's hand flew over her lips. Charles stood up and walked over to the sink, placing his cup on the counter and looking outside of the window.

"I'm sorry," Anna now cried. "I only…."

"This isn't your fault," Charles' voice came from where he was standing. But he still hadn't turned to face her.

"It's not," Elsie agreed. "Are…are the seizures common? Are you feeling better today? Or…"

"No, they aren't common. Or, they weren't. I….I'll have to ask an oncologist about them, see about some testing."

At that, Charles' hand slammed against the side of the sink. It made Anna jump and Elsie spin around to face him. Anna watched as Elsie walked over to her husband and placed her hand on his shoulder. Anna felt as though she was intruding on this private moment of theirs, but she couldn't move. Instead, her eyes fell to her hands and she began to pick at the skin on the side of her nail.

She probably sat there for several moments before the chairs around her scraped against the floor and Elsie and Charles were back by her side. She felt as both of their hands landed over hers.

"We'll be here every step of the way," they promised. Anna then began to cry.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"So Mum's told you all of it?" Ally questioned, sliding into the stool at the kitchen counter. She had her earphones around her neck and tablet in her hand. She sat it down on the marble and glanced at John.

"She did," he stated. Ally let out a low sigh.

"It really sucks," she murmured. "You know my father died before I even met him. And now I'm going to lose my mother. I'm going to be a literal orphan. Like Annie."

"Well, not quite like Annie. You're not going to end up in an orphanage with a Miss Hannigan type to care for you."

"Right," Ally stated, twisting her lips to the side. "Just alone. No blood relatives. My mum did try to find my dad's family, but there was none to be found."

"Recently?" John asked, curious. He knew that Anna had searched when she found out she was pregnant. He had even tried to help her. Anna had wanted her child to know her father's side of the family, but there had been no luck.

"I don't know," Ally shrugged. "But she did before I was born. I just have a few photos. Mum said he was smart. Did you know him?"

"No," John replied.

"But were you jealous of him?" Ally playfully questioned.

"No, why would I be?"

"Haven't you always loved my mum?"

This girl was smart, John had to give her that.

"Yes, but it wasn't that simple. I was marrying Vera. Your mum was in London starting her career."

"Adults make everything complicated," Ally then just said, popping some food into her mouth, before pulling her earphones over her ears. "I'm going to watch more Schitt's Creek. Do you want to watch with me? I could take off my earphones and we could use the speaker."

"No, that's alright. I'm going to go and set up the televisions for your mum, so they'll be ready when she gets home."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Mary's response was very different than the Carsons'. She paced the room and shook her head, not accepting what Anna had to say.

"We'll just have to find another doctor!" Mary stated. "Clearly there has to be someone better, someone who can perform a better surgery. You aren't going to die. This is nonsense."

"Mary," Anna stepped in front of her friend. "I am. I am going to die. I'm not finding another doctor. I'm not doing any of that. I've stopped treatment. I'm going to spend my last months with the people I love."

Mary's eyes searched her face, before she fell back into the chair behind her and covered her mouth with her hand.

"This isn't right," Mary stated. Anna sat down beside her and took her hand within her own.

In many ways, this was easier than telling the Carsons. She could focus on helping Mary accept this and not have to think about how scared she truly was.

"It's not," Anna agreed.

"Oh Anna!"

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna got home a little while after lunch. John was in her room working on setting up her television and Ally was over on the couch watching Schitt's Creek on the new television in the living room. She hopped up when she saw Anna and handed her the notebook Anna had given her, opened onto a page.

Anna glanced down. Written on the top was John.

"John?" Anna asked, her eyes meeting Ally's. Ally shrugged.

"He's nice and he loves you. Why not? You said I get to decide," Ally stated.

"Well, you get a say," Anna reminded her. "All you have in the pro column is funny. You think John is funny?"

Again, Ally shrugged. "I just started it. I'll show you more when I've finished."

Anna tried to look through the other pages, but Ally took her notebook back.

"I'll show you later."

"Alright, alright," Anna stated. Then she went back to her bedroom where John was finishing up what he was doing.

"How was it?" John asked. He stepped back from the television and wiped his hands against his pants. He was only in his undershirt and jeans, making his broad shoulders stand out.

"It went as well as expected. The Carsons were supportive. Mary was in shock. She couldn't quite grasp that she couldn't just throw money at the situation. You know Mary; she's not used to being told no. Cancer I demand you leave this body at once!" Anna laughed thinking of Mary demanding such a thing. She would if she could. John weakly chuckled, but he was frowning. Because, of course, it wasn't funny. None of this was funny.

"You look tired."

"I am," Anna replied.

"Well, your television is set up. You could lie down and watch some telly for a bit. I should probably let you rest," John stated.

Anna stepped forward to him and took his hand within her own.

"Or, you could stay." John's eyes began to search hers.

"You want me to stay?"

"If you want to. I understand…."

"I want to stay. But how about I run to my place to pack a bag? I could stay a few nights and then we could go from there?"

"Yes. I like that."

He kissed the top of her head.

"Rest up. I'll bring back dinner."

And just like that they were them again. Not that Anna should have been too surprised. Part of her worried that she was being unfair to him, but selfishly she needed him. And he now knew and he wasn't shying away.

"Alright. I'll see you in a little bit."

To be continued...